Scrubs s01e08 Episode Script

One of the best things about friendship with Turk is challenging each other to try new things.
I can't believe we're going to a strip club.
I don't think about it that way.
It's a place to buy a burger that's a two-and-a-half mile walk away from the hospital.
No skin! We all win! Let's get outta here before we end up on the news.
Are you gentlemen visiting the club? No, we're protesting.
I'm worried about the kids.
So what's that in your pocket? This is It's $38 in singles.
I bought a newspaper and this is the change from my 40.
Neil Sir - No pulse.
- Starting CPR.
Call an ambulance! Coming to you live as two young doctors are trying to resuscitate my cameraman.
Well, maybe I'm biased, but to me every doctor here at Sacred Heart is a hero.
Does that mean I'm a hero? I don't know.
There's my dynamic duo! Dr Dorian! Dr Turk! Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy? It could be worse, Robin.
You could be Alfred the butler.
Damn you, sir.
Life in a hospital moves fast.
One second you're a hero the next you're obsessing about evaluations.
- Who cares? It's only a grade.
- Really? What did you get? A- Plus.
I turned on the waterworks and the resident changed it to A-plus-plus.
- A proud day for women everywhere.
- Why are you worried? With the hero thing, whoever evaluates you will give you a gold star.
Listen, Supergirl.
I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother, who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle in an hour will never be able to put you back together even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
Somehow I doubt it.
Before you deny you like looking at strange naked women again I should remind you that when you stay at my place, it's not a hotel.
The movie titles do come up on the bill.
I'm sticking with "we were protesting.
" JD? Outraged and disgusted.
Take Bambi out tonight.
Maybe with the hype you can get him a girl.
Who hasn't bought us drinks yet? It could happen.
- Don't wait up for me tonight.
- OK.
Do you wanna get drunk and beg me for sex now or wait till two o'clock tonight? - Let's wait.
- Cool.
You know, I'm off tonight.
What are you doing, Carla? Just having dinner with a friend.
Man, this is so uncomfortable.
She's not gonna get the invite.
Just hold your breath until it's over.
You could take Elliot with you.
Great.
I can't wait.
Have a good time tonight.
Lose something? No, why? Did you take something? - No.
- What'd you take? Nothing.
What'd you take? Newbie.
Come.
Now I think about it, I'm psyched to have Dr Cox do my evaluation.
It'll be a chance to see what he thinks of me.
Look, Doogie, I'm up to my cha-chas in busywork so I'm gonna take a rain check on your report card and have you do it yourself.
You didn't even fill out my name.
Well, now, I think it's John, or Jimmy or Ji or hmm.
It's in the J family.
But if you get in trouble, just ask the nurses for help.
Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair.
And a wife and family.
The point is, I'll never get a raise without support of senior staff like yourself.
- Can't do it.
- Well, you did what you could.
Dr Dorian, how are you? - These evaluations - Just a pleasantry, keep it moving.
Listen, all the publicity you and your friend have been getting it would be silly not to milk it a little bit.
See if we can't promote the hospital, what do you say? OK, whose breasts haven't I signed yet? - It could happen.
- Excuse me? Anything for the hospital.
- So what are we doing tonight? - Go out to dinner, I guess.
Dinner! Where are we gonna eat? - Don't know, some restaurant.
- Some restaurant! Be honest Does this look hip enough? Since when are khakis, a pink shirt and a neckerchief not hip? True.
- Hi.
- Hey, Darryl.
I have to make a quick call.
So, Patricia, Darryl, this is Elliot.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I'm gonna get out of here.
- OK.
Thanks for the ride.
- Someone's a cradle-robber.
- Darryl's my son.
The only way he could be your son was if you had him when you were 15.
I was close.
I'm sorry, that was my mom.
I'm gonna have to cancel.
I can't evaluate myself.
Would you describe me as warm, professional, or both? I'd describe you as "I'm on my lunch.
" I don't know whether to be easy or hard on myself Can't you see I'm watching my stories? I can't, honey, Parker wants me to assist.
Dr Cox.
Have you been here the whole time? No, I just came in through the couch door.
Move.
You said you were too busy to do my evaluation.
I am.
Didn't her daddy sell the coalmine? - Contract didn't stick.
- That's interesting.
We're almost ready.
Anything you wanna say before we get started? Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr Cox.
I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see.
And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
I'm gonna probe ya, cos I'm The Intern.
Nothing.
OK, I'll be right back.
She is tasty.
Watch me work a cat and mouse game with her.
She's married to the soundman.
That thing clipped to your collar, that's a microphone.
I'm so sorry.
And I love ZZ Top.
I'm not looking forward to this.
OK, we're rolling.
So, how's my cameraman doing? Good enough that he asked me for mouth-to-mouth again.
Dr Turk, are there any specific challenges being a young black doctor in an inner city hospital? I wanna hear this.
Is it possible to turn up the volume? That's as high as it goes.
Listen, let me tell you what happened.
Damn.
When I saw that it was missing, did you not think I'd come to you? I don't know what you're talking about.
So you're gonna play it that way, huh? Touché.
- I finished my evaluation.
- Great.
I thought it would take longer so the marching band won't be here until later.
Enjoy.
I think you'll find it's a good read.
Hey, Newbie.
This thing actually does matter so were you completely honest with yourself? Yeah.
Say it right into the camera, hotshot.
Now you can have this thing back any time you want.
You're gonna have to bark like a dog, though.
I'm not gonna bark like It's your call.
Woof.
Good boy.
At the very least, I'm gonna end today on a good note.
I got something to show you.
Is this an uncomfortable moment that'll change our friendship? No, no.
You're going to like it.
Good, cos I need some good news, man.
Can you believe that news lady? "What's it like to be a black doctor?" I just wish this was over.
Why have we stopped? Roll 'em up Why do you think I wanna be a part of this? Kelso said it would make us role models.
I just assumed Everybody assumes that I'm a good athlete or that I grew up poor, or that I love Sanford and Son.
But you do love Sanford And Son.
We both do.
That's what I'm talking about.
If Dr Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community because I'm a great doctor, great.
I will sign on the dotted line.
But that's not what this is about.
All my life I've been singled out because I'm black.
- I didn't enter the contest! - Smile for the picture.
- Remember our college brochure? - They put you on the cover.
Twice? It's different this time, now it's both of us.
You can still see my hand on your shoulder.
That's when I realised, I'm not gonna let people take advantage of me.
This is unfair.
You're supposed to do my evaluation.
And you know what? You're gonna do it, buddy boy.
Buddy boy? Why, I oughta - I'm serious.
- Relax, Newbie.
It's just an evaluation, it should be easy.
If it's that easy, it won't take you long to do it.
All right, don't worry about it, Newbie.
I'll evaluate the hell right out of you.
- When? - The second I get off work.
- Fine! - Fine.
Great! Here it is.
- You get off, like, six-ish, or? - Danger.
You're gonna have to see her eventually.
No.
I know the layout to the air-duct system like the back of my hand.
Of course I'm gonna have to see her again.
So this is the part where it's my fault? Turk, if you could have seen the look on her face If I think about it again, it's gonna make me cry.
What am I gonna do? Keep doing what you're doing.
Eventually, she'll quit and move.
- Why am I talking to you? - What? You're such a guy.
You can't understand something this deep on any real emotional level.
I'm sorry about the poster.
It was racially insensitive.
I should've been aware of your feelings.
There's never been an issue of race between us.
You've been nothing but a friend to me.
- I love you, man.
- Hit me one.
Keep it real.
We've got some things to work out but we'll get there.
We'll get there.
Sure, it hurt.
But you know what? I'm not gonna wallow in self pity.
Right after work, I'm gonna go downtown and just tear it up.
Maybe I'll have a cigarette, just get a little crazy and head wherever the night takes me.
What's that, now? Thanks so much! Taxi! Hey, baby, how much? Hey, don't go away, man! Get me the hell outta here.
Hurry! Here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna leave the cart in the closet and leave the closet unlocked.
If, by magic, it should happen to reappear, I won't ask any questions.
I don't even know what "it" is.
Then why take it? Well, if it isn't Dr Turk, the friendly face of Sacred Heart.
Yeah.
Dr Kelso, about these posters They're making me uncomfortable.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't realise you felt that way.
Well, here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna leave them up.
I can live with that.
Or I can sue you.
Dr Turk, you are an employee here.
I can advertise however I wish.
I can use your image, your name I can manufacture tiny little Dr Turk action figures.
It'll cost $12.
95.
When you pull the string, it says: "I don't like these posters!" - Isn't that right, Ted? - Definitely, sir.
You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint.
How vulnerable? That lawsuit would be over so quickly, bring cab fare to the courthouse since Dr Turk will be driving your Beamer home to his place.
Hippie.
God, that felt good.
Who's the man? - Is it me? - Damn right it's you.
Right, man.
It's me.
Elliot There's no excuse for what I did.
No, there's not.
- Are we done? - I'm really sorry.
Don't be.
If I was going out with my friend I wouldn't invite you.
Yes, I would.
She'd like you better and neither of you would talk to me again.
I only did it because I hadn't seen Patricia in a long time.
You did it cos I don't fit in with you and your friend.
It's no surprise.
It's not like I've ever fit in anywhere.
Carla, your friend Patricia's here.
There's a problem with her son.
Why so sad, Marshmallow? Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.
Oh, good.
He's not here.
Dr Cox? It's time.
Sit down.
What do you want me to say? That you're great? That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere? I'm cool with that.
I'm not gonna say that.
You're OK.
You might be better than that some day but now all I see is a guy worried about what everybody thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself.
I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation? I can't think of a safe answer, I just Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself.
And I mean really think.
What are you good at? What do you suck at? I wanted it down on paper not so I could see it, or anybody else, but so that you could see it.
Ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake.
You only have to answer to one guy, Newbie, and that's you! There You are Evaluated.
Get the hell outta my sight.
You, honest to God, get me so angry I'm afraid I might hurt myself.
So what are you? One of the male nurses? Actually, I'm a surgeon.
I'm doing this as a favour for Carla.
Carla is fine.
What's she doing with you? Slummin' a little, God bless her heart.
This is a knife cut, huh? Yeah, it's cool.
See this right here? Pinched it in a door.
Two stitches.
- Oh, man.
You hardcore, man.
- Hell, yeah! Darryl's gonna be fine but I'm worried about you.
You're upset.
I'll set you up in a room with some fluids and a Valium.
- Elliot, thank you.
- There you are.
Elliot, you're coming, right? - In a sec.
- Are you all right? It's funny how our perceptions can be so off.
Hot cocoa, sweetie? Thanks.
Anytime.
Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realise you've been there the whole time.
Or how posters can't turn you into a role model if you've been one for years.
Of course, in my case, I knew exactly where I stood.
And it didn't feel that good.
I would like to make special mention of one intern here John Dorian.
Smart kid, extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see in him He cares.
Probably cares too much.
But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.
If you have any questions I could give a crap, I'm goin' home.
You all get paid too much for doing nothing.
Oh, good, Newbie.
You found a specialty.
No, I just dropped my pen.
Well, look what magically found its way back home.
What? Your window cleaner? No.
Ammonia.
This is window cleaner, right Why? Now that's just bad luck.