Seed (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

You know what else is really annoying? You said 'what' and not 'who', right? Strangers groping my belly.
But where are all those hands when I need a door opeeded? Clasped together as they pray for you to stop complaining.
Don't drink that- This is what I'm talking about.
Why does everyone think whatever I eat or drink is somehow their business? One cup of coffee is not going to hurt my baby.
That pot's two days old.
Ew.
Yes! Just beat my high score of how many customers I serviced.
What did I miss? Just some whining.
I am so sick of pregnant women thinking that they're such a big deal! It's nothing special.
It's incredibly special.
To you, yeah.
And me, obviously.
It's like getting married.
Big deal to Bridezilla, yawn fest to everyone else.
Don't be Pregzilla, Rose.
Hey, I'm sorry, about this- It's okay- -Irene.
Are you kidding me? You have more sympathy for Irene than me? Oh no no no sweetie, you should not be drinking coffee.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
Tsk tsk tsk.
Something wrong, or do you have corn in your teeth? I just can't believe you're actually reading that book.
"Care-fronting the Winner Within?" Really? Stuart Meinertzhagen is a local celebrity.
He's a local quack.
I wouldn't even call him a colleague.
Apparently he's got some kind of TV show in development? And he has a whole café in his waiting room.
It's not a whole café.
A barista, Nathan.
And his lattes are excellent.
How do you know this, Jonathan? I guessed.
I may have seen Meinertzhagen once or twice.
A week.
For months now.
I'm working through relationship stuff.
Relationship stuff? What do you mean? I could have marriage counseled us, why wouldn't you have come to me? You of all people know that therapy is confidential.
Couples don't have to tell each other everything.
You have other secrets? Ow! Why is your door locked? Harry.
This is awkward.
What are you doing here? Meeting Anastasia.
She ready? Hey.
Hey, I can only hang out for a couple hours.
I have an important meeting at Billy's.
Ow.
I cannot believe you've come to pick up our daughter with a hangover.
You're hung over? Awesome.
I wish.
Are you still drunk? No, I got this weird indigestion, nausea, bloating Ugh.
I sound like Rose.
Yes you do.
And you seem to have put on a bit of weight, as well.
Or maybe it's just because I'm wearing plaid, Janet! Did I mention I'm also a little emotional? You have Couvade Syndrome, Harry.
It's also known as sympathetic pregnancy.
It's when a man shares his pregnant partner's symptoms.
Nah, I think it's called Chicken Wings Syndrome.
Too many wings, not enough beer.
It's definitely Couvade Syndrome, Harry.
Meinertzhagen nails it in his book.
Hello? No, why, why are you here now? This is not a good time.
I saw this and thought it'd be perfect for Billy.
You bought Billy a car air freshener? It isn't even new.
It smells like a taxi.
Awesome.
Entertaining? I told Harry the new babysitter was here today.
New babysitter? Here? What a coincidence.
She's not our babysitter yet.
We're in the middle of the interview.
Stay away from this one, Harry.
You remember Madison? No.
Exactly.
You broke her heart.
Oh, Madison.
The one with the big- smile.
You won't want to meet Chelsea.
She's only beautiful on the inside.
No way, she's beautiful everywhere! Why don't you go upstairs and play.
Woopsies.
Hi---ered.
I'm Chelsea.
I'm Harry, the dad.
But only in the "sperm plus egg" sense.
I am completely free and available otherwise.
To, you know, talk.
I always seem to get along so well with the dads.
I bet you do.
I'm really hands on.
So you should probably take my number, in case you want me to get my hands on um, parental matters.
So uh, tell us more about you, Chelsea.
Yeah, are you dating anyone? Uh, no.
Good.
I mean, good for Billy.
No distractions.
There's a list here, I'm just going to make a checkmark.
No boyfriends.
Well thank you so much for coming by.
We'll let you know- Okay.
I just want to say that as a lesbian myself, I really respect You're a lesbian? Dammit.
You're hired.
Let's go tell Billy.
Bye Harry.
Nice to meet you.
Whatever.
Craving.
Good luck to you.
I wouldn't want to negotiate that kind of Hotness around my wife.
Total Divorce Bait.
Oh Jonathan, I wanted to apologize about my reaction to Dr.
Meinertzhagen.
It's perfectly fine if you want to get things off your chest with another psychologist.
Great, thanks.
Even one with a cheap and sensationalist approach.
That's a bit of a passive-aggressive apology but I'll take it.
Well, a marriage is based on trust.
And I know that you're not doing anything suspicious.
I checked your emails.
I've just been called in at work, so I should go.
But it's Sunday.
Taxes waiteth for no man.
Bye.
Don't forget your coat! He can't be having an affair.
I'm the attractive one.
You were supposed to be here two hours ago.
The place is dead.
I don't need help handling tables, I need help handling your sperm family.
Rose came in again, just to complain about her pregnancy.
I'm running out of new ways to insult her.
I don't control Rose.
Do I look like a hormone? Give her sympathy.
You give her a little unasked attention now, it'll save days of whining later.
Think of it as an investment.
Those never pay off.
A foot-rub now will save you ten foot rubs later.
I hate foot rubs.
Can I just phone this in? No.
Smother her with sympathy, or smother her, I don't care.
But choose one.
No, not foot rubs.
No.
All this effort is amazing.
You didn't have to do it.
I mean a simple phone call would have been plenty.
It's an investment.
In your happiness.
Did Irene tell you I like foot rubs? No, no.
What's an Irene? Wait.
You hate foot rubs.
They're like your Achilles heel in wooing women.
Why are you doing this? Because I don't want you to become any more of a Pregzilla than you already are.
Let me do the left one.
Do you have any idea what I go through on any given day? Indigestion, nausea, pains in the abdomen and back, mood swings, gas and bloating? That's a really lucky guess.
Hey, I'm sympathetically pregnant.
Janet says so.
You're just hung over.
Nuh uh.
Is that perfume you're wearing? Oh ya, do you like it? It's new.
Apparently men can't contain themselves-- Sensitive to smells? Yeah You're pregnant! You do have sympathy for me! Harry, you're so sweet.
Does Billy have any food restrictions? No, just peanut butter, wheat, nuts, gluten, and pollen.
He inherited my allergies.
Well he also got your smile and nice eyelashes.
It was a fair trade.
Thanks.
I don't think Chelsea's working out.
Why not? Did you notice how clearly she enunciates? It's so annoooooying.
What is it? It's stupid Harry! But Harry is powerless in this situation.
She is a lesbian, remember? Yes, and I also remember him describing her as 'Divorce Bait.
' Divorce bait? What, are you saying you don't trust me around her? No, of course I trust you around an extremely beautiful, intelligent, fashion forward woman with perfect teeth.
You really find her that attractive? You're right.
We should probably just trust each other.
Harry's not around.
Don't play coy with me, Irene.
You know why I'm here.
Since you've referred to my bar as the E.
coli Depot, I really don't.
I found this in Jonathan's pocket.
You're having an affair with my husband.
That's not my phone number.
It's the bar cell phone.
I'm not having an affair with Jonathan! That would be like having an affair with my dad.
I would rather be having an affair with my dad.
Hang on, he does have his charms-- Ew, no.
I can't even think about it.
So, if you're not responsible for the lipstick, who's the floozy? That's not lipstick, that's barbecue sauce.
Harry's your floozy.
Jonathan and Harry? They've been having beer and wings nights for a while.
Jonathan is secretly seeing Harry? That's worse than if he was seeing you.
He can't even cheat on me properly.
These are great.
Are you sure you don't want one? God no.
I've still have another twenty minutes on my lunch hour.
Can you teach me to recite the alphabet while belching? I don't know how to do that.
Well I can learn, and then I can teach you.
I'm sure there's a tutorial on YouTube.
Jonathan, buddy, I don't mean to be rude here, but could you please leave me the hell alone? But this is our doctor- prescribed bro time! Doctor Meinertzhagen said that I have to befriend you, subtly assert my authority over you, and then I can be whole again.
Do you have any wetnaps? Come in! Hey! Oh.
Didn't know you had company.
Jonathan was just leaving.
You know what they say, Harry.
Bros before Rose.
High five.
They don't say that.
Wow, fine.
You know somebody's-- Know what I mean? Do you know what you mean? It's hard to look up a sound effect on Google.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Okay, so I did some research on the whole Sympathetic Pregnancy thing.
Turns out it's real.
It must be.
You OK? How do you feel? Awful.
The indigestion's the worst.
Right? Ugh, finally; someone to complain with.
This is great.
We'll be belly buddies! You know I'm not really pregnant, right? You're the closest thing I've got.
I'm miserable.
And now I have company.
Yeah well, I'm not having fun.
This is even worse than being pregnant.
Excuse me? You think you have it bad? No one helps me carry anything heavy.
No one offers me a seat on the bus.
No one touches my belly.
Because you're not really pregnant.
A little bit of sympathy, Rose, is all I'm asking-- That's what I'm asking for.
It's got to be all about you.
God.
What? It's so nice of you to make dinner, Chelsea.
It's just that normally I make dinner and I'm actually a pretty amazing cook.
I just wanted to give you a break.
I mean, it's hard being a mom How old do you think I am? It was great, Chels.
Loved that quiche.
You loved it? Nobody loves quiche.
It's just an omelet that's trying too hard.
Zoey's right.
It was really just so-so.
So, Billy, how was your day? Seven eighths awesome.
Chelsea explained fractions to me! Yeah, math isn't important.
With Chelsea, learning is fun.
No it's not.
Chelsea goes to college on a scholarship.
Wow.
That's amaz- It's not good at all.
Billy, do you know that Mommy Zoey went to community college? And that is even better, because it means that she cares about the community.
Uh, why don't I just clean up a little here.
Excuse me oh- Oh shoot.
It's okay Billy, just excuse me for a minute.
Oh God.
We are being silly.
Of course you are- we are.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
And we are strong enough in our relationship that we can handle a smoking hot woma- a babysitter in our house.
I think it'll come out.
Ugh, man.
I got whipped cream all over my body.
Do you guys mind if I hop in the shower? You're fired.
Hey.
I feel really bad about our fight.
I appreciate that you're sympathetic.
It's a little too late for apologies, Rose.
I can get through this pregnancy without you.
Fake pregnancy.
My pregnancy may be fake.
But my feelings are real.
Sorry.
It's okay.
As a woman you can't understand what I'm going through.
So I found myself a Couvade Syndrome support group.
This is Dave, Will, and Jay.
I should thank you for not caring.
You've taught me I'm a lot stronger than I realized.
Come on.
We can work this out.
If you're not going to be supportive, I'm not going to keep trying to change you.
Huh.
Like I do with you? Exactly! Wait.
I'm often very supportive of you some of the most of the time.
Kinda.
Okay.
So I should stop then with the second, third, fourth chances? You're saying I can't expect you to be anything better than you are right now? You expect me to be better? That's like the Pope saying, "Hey, Picasso, make me something better than the Sistine Chapel; make me a seventeenth one.
" Okay, I'm sick of having to ask for your help.
You should be offering.
You're turning this around and making my sympathetic pregnancy about you.
This is my pregnancy! I'm creating a human in here.
What have you got in there? Nothing but hot air! Guys, I mean she doesn't get it.
I mean how many times do I have to- Janet needs to see me.
She's been pregnant before.
I bet she'll understand what I'm going through.
Guys.
Have some wings of chicken.
No please stop.
Has anyone in your family ever had chicken wings before meeting me? Well at least have a beer.
No I feel awful.
I just want to go home and take my pants off.
Well you can do that here.
I'm cool.
Are you coming on to me, Missus Janet? Oh God no.
Look, I know about you and Jonathan, alright.
Hanging out on the sly.
The snacks, the televised sports The long silences.
The tax talk.
I want him to know how that makes me feel.
So tell him? Oh Jonathan! You've walked in on Harry and I having private time together.
The painful truth is now out.
How could you do this to me? So that you would know know how it makes me feel.
I thought beer and wings was our thing, Harry.
So you admit to seeing Harry? Dr.
Meinertzhagen suggested that we have a secret bromance.
It's part of my treatment to deal with Harry usurping my position as a cool father.
A father.
Well maybe my therapist told me to have an affair.
You're having an affair? Yes! With Harry! What? No.
Ew.
No no.
Not me.
Your father.
WHAT? I'm pregnant.
This family is seriously messed up.
It's not either of theirs.
Come on honey.
It's good to open up and talk.
Never.
I can't believe you would do this to me.
And with him of all people! Hey, this is not my fault.
I meant him.
Meinertzhagen.
I know my methods are unconventional, but I really get results.
Biscotti? Great.
Look what I can't help doing.
This is all your fault.
And why am I here, exactly? We're charting virgin territory in family group therapy.
Sperm Donor families! Super-fantastic.
How is your Couvade Syndrome, Harry? Ugh, it's always about him.
Whoa, whoa whoa.
Hands off, Meinertzhagen, that is my diagnosis.
Harry's body is fighting hard to show empathy but it is completely at war with his narcissistic mind-- What are you doing? Pulling focus.
Just like you are from your own issues.
The journeying has begun.
Um, what-- --The hell is going on? Great to meet you.
Have a seat on Couchie.
You all totally need a family group session.
We are not a family.
You tricked us.
You said that you needed to talk about Harry over coffee.
I didn't trick you.
Nathan the barista makes a fantastic cup of coffee.
Zoey and I do not need therapy.
We are great.
"Great" is a cry for help.
You did just fire your son's babysitter.
Harry told you? What's important is your completely defensive reaction.
I am not defensive.
Aren't you? Yep, we've got a conveyor belt of baggage here.
Looks like you two need some time in the 'nitty gritty' room.
Let's make therapy history.
Keep digging away at your issues.
Try to come up with what home appliance you feel most resembles you.
I call dibs on 'toaster'.
Okay, we're doing great, guys.
Keep going.
Zoey? Well I was worried- Don't tell me.
Don't tell Michelle.
Tell the Telling Pillow.
I I was worried that the karma of flirting with dads, and moms, when I was a babysitter would come back on me.
Great.
Now punch it.
But I'm not angry.
Oh you poor thing.
You have no idea the depths of your rage.
Michelle? I'm insecure.
I'm insecure because Zoey.
Is so hot.
And she could get.
Any.
Woman.
She.
WANTS! Aw, that's really sweet.
No! Don't kiss each other.
Kiss the pillow.
Kiss it.
Yeah.
Get in there.
Get in good.
I was not trying to center the attention towards me.
I'm really not feeling well! Oh boo hoo, Harry.
I'm fed up with you and your fake pregnancy.
I'll take a latte to go, thanks.
Not a problem.
Um, is that really safe, in your condition? Is questioning my judgment really safe in yours? Are we having a breakthrough blast here in Caffeinated Corner? Don't forget to sweeten your coffee with a few packets of compassion.
This is useless.
He won't change.
Oooh, I love a challenge.
Let's do something I call a "feeling share".
You mean, "talking"? Nah, I couldn't trademark "talking.
" Okay, I feel betrayed by my belly buddy.
I wanted sympathy and he's made my pregnancy all about him.
It's perfectly natural to feel threatened by your partner's Couvade.
I'm not feeling threatened so much as homicidal.
Perfectly natural.
Pregnant women are hormonal tsunamis.
It's not your fault if you sometimes get a little witchy.
Okay, but once, she tried to run me over with her car.
Perfectly natural.
Finally.
Someone understands! What about me and my pregnancy? Shut up and lets help some people with real problems.
What? As a therapist, I clearly understand a client who gets it, and a client who doesn't.
And Rose clearly gets it.
I gotta go.
I won therapy! I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh God, this is unbelievable.
I am so steamed right now.
Electric tea kettle? Your appliance.
This is ludicrous.
You have kept us waiting here the whole time.
It's my technique.
Ugh.
Tardiness and lack of consideration are your technique? Anticipation.
It's a great catharticizer.
That is not a word.
Oh, look.
My time is up.
Your bill.
Thank you.
Are you kidding me? Your work is shoddy, sensationalist, and entirely without merit.
You call yourself a healer, well you sir, are a quack.
Jonathan, I haven't felt this close to you in years.
You're welcome.
You therapists really get my goat! You offer common sense advice and have the gall to charge as much as lawyers! OK, easy now.
You're frauds, the lot of you.
The whole profession.
Okay, you need to stop sharing, right now.
It's Voodoo! - Where's the bathroom?! - This way.
Huh.
I get it now.
If you want someone to have empathy, you have to let go of your own anger and accept their frustrations.
I'm sorry I've been insensitive.
Me too.
I'll try to put myself in your shoes more.
Your feet are getting so big they might fit.
Way to find some common ground, guys.
You know, Nathan, for a barista, you're really good at this.
I gotta pay for grad school somehow.
You want to get out of here? Yeah, in a sec.
I'm a little winded.
Ohhh, the pain.
Oh God! You always have to one-up me.
Where is the pain centered? Everywhere.
Your pulse is thready.
Hands off my patient! My patient.
Although I prefer the term "healing friend".
Neither of you got a history before you diagnosed him? Harry doesn't have Couvade; he needs medical attention.
His patient.
Oww.
Here's to Harry being released from the hospital.
A kidney stone, who knew? And here's to Harry, for not being smart enough to know that he could sue me.
Chin chin.
This champagne really brings out the mesquite in the BBQ sauce.
I know! Please come back, and accept our apology, and a raise.
I have to be honest with you guys, actually.
I'm straight.
And I lied.
I thought it would improve my chances of getting hired.
That is so amazing.
We love that you're straight! It's way better.
Because we are totally open, and tolerant people.
I'm so glad to hear that, cause actually Harry asked me out.
And I really think we have something.
That's a kidney stone.
Wow.
Did it hurt? Passing a huge thing through a tiny opening? You can't imagine what it's like.
There's nothing more painful.
Nothing.