Selfie (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

Growing up, I saw birthdays as a chance to party with my friends.
or at the least, the one friend who my mom hired, who happened to be a clown.
Nowadays, I party like a drunk Reese Witherspoon.
I am an American citizen, and I am on U.
S.
soil! Unfortunately, not everyone thinks life is a party, and by "Not everyone," I mean Henry.
The cellphone is an extension of the hand.
In fact, the very surface of your cellular device is home to thousands of germs, microbes, and bacteria, capable of causing everything from pneumonia to diphtheria and quite possibly -- Aids! N-no, not aids.
Ebola? Those are the two I'm mainly worried about.
Charlie, I will not hesitate to mace you! Move! - Charlie! - I'm sorry, sir.
She's way stronger than me.
Yeah, she is.
How can I help you? You know damn well I'm here on official company business.
Let's just get it over with.
Don't be mad at me.
I didn't come up with the policy.
- I don't also need a lecture! - Fine.
- Ready? - I'm ready.
Go.
* Happy Birthday to you * It's your birthday?! * Happy Birthday dear Henry-y-y-y * * Happy Birthday to you * Saturday is my birthday.
Policy dictates that the "Happy Birthday" song must be administered on or before the employee's date of birth, and I don't work on Saturdays, so Thank you, Charmonique.
I have been served.
Now, if you'll excuse us, Eliza and I are late for a meeting with R&D.
I'm sorry.
I just don't enjoy being celebrated.
Your birthday lands on a weekend? You're basically living my dream.
My next b-day falls on stupid Tuesday.
Don't disparage Tuesdays.
Tuesdays have done nothing to you.
So, what are you gonna do to celebrate? I'm not entirely sure.
Julia and I may grab dinner.
Other than that, I was hoping to power-wash my carport, maybe finish this documentary on tiny houses.
- Who wronged you? - What? Why are you the way you are? There he is! Birthday boy! Got you something.
Don't try to dodge it.
Don't you dare try and dodge it! He's dodging it! He's a dodg-- whoa! Birthday boy? No idea, sir.
He's getting wilier with age.
I do admire that.
See that he gets that.
All this just to avoid people giving you gifts? What constitutes a gift is entirely subjective.
In my experience, co-workers alternate between cheap, impersonal items like this partially used Barry's brisket gift card from Larry and lavish, impersonal items like this Endangered ivory-tusk letter opener from Saperstein.
Henry, you have spent weeks impressing upon me the importance of good manners and social grace.
There's no way I'm not getting you a birthday present.
Fair enough.
Then I task you with finding something personal -- meaningful, yet modest.
Fine.
But, um Can I cop that barry's brisket gift card? Because I am hella hangry, and it's, like, not even noon.
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.
What do you guys think Henry would love more -- A tempur-pedic pillow or a mug that says "I mean business!"? - Mug.
- They both sound terrible.
He says he wants something modest, yet meaningful.
What am I supposed to do -- Capture and gift wrap Cate Blanchett? Oh, you know who I've always wanted to capture? Clive Owen.
I just think he's great.
Yeah, but isn't he kind of Clive Owen in everything? Oh, that's not fair.
Can we focus, please? Let's think.
What's something henry doesn't have? Fun.
Wait, there's some truth in your hilarious burn.
What about a party? I could throw Henry a fun party with a cake and white tigers -- I'm in! I'm in! I-I'm coming -- no take-backs! I don't know.
Henry doesn't seem like the "Fun party" kind of guy.
He seems more like the "leave the fun party early to avoid traffic" kind of guy.
Stop saying things that are true! Sidebar -- does anyone want this? Oh, dear God! I thought you were a possum! I'm not.
What are you doing out there?! - Waiting till midnight.
- What at midnight? Your birthday, dummy.
Open up.
- Geez! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, waiting.
Okay, now.
Open up.
Two tickets to Blues Traveler.
Stunned silence.
Partially blind.
Blues Traveler's your favorite band, right? Technically, my membership to the John Popper army expired 20 years ago.
But, uh, I did used to love them.
Wait, how did you know? I just stalked every single person in your graduating class, scoured all their individual Facebook photos until I found one from 1994 that you could been seen in the background of, sporting a nasty, little rat tail and a Blues Traveler T-shirt.
In the '90s, that was an acceptable look.
Thank you, Eliza.
Well done.
You accomplished the task.
"You accomplished the task.
" Well, thank you, m'dear.
You weren't too shabby yourself.
No, that's what Henry said when I gave him his birthday present.
Should I be worried that you're laying naked in bed with me, thinking about Henry? I got him tickets to Blues Traveler for his birthday, and I expected him to be, like, a little more, whoo, excited! In his defense, jam-band tickets aren't that exciting.
He said "Modest and meaningful.
" Well, you basically just gave the man two pieces of paper.
Well, I wanted to throw him a party.
Well, why didn't you? Parties are awesome.
Because everyone else said Henry wouldn't want one.
Come on.
Everybody wants one.
That's why all-important events culminate in a celebration.
Think about it -- death, marriage, May 5th, football.
Oh, my God, babies, the Oscars, hurricanes -- They all come with parties! Okay, that settles it.
While Henry's at that concert, I'm breaking into his house, throwing him a surprise party.
He's gonna think he hates it, but then it's gonna be just like you and the "Edge of Tomorrow.
" Ah, I loved "Edge of Tomorrow.
" Oh, I know, but, originally, you didn't want to watch it because you were still mad about "Jack Reacher.
" Tom Cruise had no business playing Jack Reacher! It should have been Chris Hemsworth.
But then we watched it on demand, and you super loved it and it totally erased all the bad blood between you and T-cruise.
Wait, so, did we just agree to throw Henry a party or watch a Tom Cruise movie? Both.
I'll call about a keg.
You put on "The Last Samurai.
" He had no business playing the last samurai! Unlike you The night is still young.
That's just a bit of birthday ribbing.
I hope I didn't take it too far.
Not at all.
That was just the right level.
Okay.
But, seriously, folks what might you enjoy doing after dinner? I read the Fowler Museum has a fascinating exhibit on the volga trade route.
The whole route? From Uppsala to the Caspian Sea.
Well, I do love river-based trade.
But I was actually thinking we could check out a Blues Traveler concert.
I'm sorry? It's silly, but I used to be a bit of a fan, and I got these tickets for my birthday.
II thought it could be a cultural safari.
More like a cultural "I'm sorry.
" I will be here all night.
That was wonderful.
Cheers.
Oh.
While Henry enjoyed some boring banter with his boring girlfriend, I broke into his boring house to plan something fun.
Tell me if this has been overdone -- A basil-strawberry vodka luge that empties onto three or four bisexual cage dancers.
Eliza, this is Henry we're talking about, right? Okay, I'm gonna share with you some party wisdom that has been thrice confirmed by my boy Checkers, who's a bouncer, my old college roommate Peanut, and this dude I know named whiskers, who's opening up a club downtown.
Why do all your friends have cat names? They just do.
You ready? Here it is.
The celebration must suit the celebrant.
You're not gonna get Puff Daddy a bouncy castle, nor a small child 12 cases of ciroc.
You dropped it.
I caught it -- knowledge.
Huh.
My work here is done.
Well, hey, where are you going? I said whiskers is opening up a club downtown.
All my boys are gonna be there -- Mittens, Bandit, Garfield, Felix, Azrael, Heathcliff.
Okay, n-now you're just messing with me.
Yes, I am.
No, but, seriously, I got to go meet Sylvester and Hobbes.
We are Rusted Courage, and our T-shirts are three for one! Next up, Blues Traveler! Is he going to do that all night? I want to hear those "whoos"! I think so.
Everyone seems to be enjoying their flat beer.
Would you care for one? After paying $30 for parking, I'm not sure we can afford it.
All right, we're gonna start this one off with some new stuff! But you guys came here for some new stuff, right? Just kidding.
I wouldn't want to give you the runaround.
Julia, thank you for enduring this.
I'm here for nostalgia more than a love of -- * Oh once upon a midnight dreary * * I woke with something in my head * * I couldn't escape the memory * Did you want earplugs? I know we're close to the stage, but -- You still got the pipes, Popper! No, yeah, you still do! Oh my God, he pointed at me! A-actually, I think I would like some earplugs! Okay, would you want me to go get you some? Oh, well, I can -- * Yeah, humor me and tell me lies * * Well, I'll lie, too, and say I don't mind * * And as we seek, so shall we find * * And when you're feeling open, I'll still be here * * But not without a certain degree of fear * * Of what will be with you and me * * I still can see things hopefully * I may go purchase a bag of peanuts! * Why you want to give a runaround! * * Yeah, it's a surefire way to speed thins up * * When all it does is slow me down * Yeah! So, as we all know, Henry's favorite thing in the whole entire world is Me.
Close.
It's work or the workplace.
Right.
I knew that.
And since today is the day Henry got born, I really wanted to celebrate by bringing him the thing he loves most, hence Henry's office-themed birthday party! Why didn't we just do it at the office? Um, for the obvious reason that I didn't think of that.
Any other questions? Do I still work for Henry, or am I a guest here? Uh, am I still his boss? I mean, can I tell him what to do tonight? Yes, and yes.
Good.
Good.
I'm just glad I don't have to drink alone.
That's the spirit! Huh?! Everyone, just drink with Larry, much like you would do at work.
Uhnobody should be drinking at work.
- No.
- Fine.
Just mill around and do nothing, much like you would do at work.
To be clear, everybody should be working atwork.
Fine.
Act like you're su-u-u-u-per busy and completely sober, much like you would do at work.
Good.
Good.
Henry's office-themed birthday.
Can I help you? Eliza, it's UNICEF.
Who here handles Henry's donations? Raj.
Why Raj? Hello? Well, let me see.
He has a big heart, so I suppose he will sponsor, uh, 50? W-would 50 children be good? - Sure, it's a start.
- That's good.
That's good.
Oh, oh, I see.
For a few dollars more, we can buy Henry's children a well.
I approve that decision.
Okay, yes, Henry would like to buy clean drinking water for his children.
Using the card on file.
No, thank you.
Good job, Raj.
It wasn't exactly drinking champagne off a bisexual cage dancer.
But it was the kind of buttoned-up fun Henry would approve of.
* Oh, let's get real * * High * Hon, did you see my solo?! Did you see my tasty solo, hon?! Very tasty! Julia, I think I speak for Wayne and all of the other fellow travelers when I say you are harshing the mellow.
That is the gist.
Apologies, Wayne.
Yeah, I think I'll step outside.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Are you upset with me? Could you take off that hat? I'm having a very hard time - taking you seriously with that hat.
- Yeah.
- Are you leaving? We totally - No, no, we don't have to.
It's just, I'm the on-call doctor, and the reception in here is pretty terrible.
Oh, wait.
I'll go with you.
No, I-I'll -- we'll both go.
Just let me say goodbye and exchange info with -- * Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in.
It's so P.
C.
,, it's killing me * * If you're rin tin tin or Anne Boleyn * * Make a desperate move or else you'll win * * And then begin to see what you're doing to me * * This MTV is not for free * * So desperately I sing to thee of love * * Love! * I knew this would happen.
You see, this is why I seldom let it all hang out.
Don't worry about it, brother.
If I know anything about anything, the hook will bring her back.
And if it doesn't, you can always live with me.
Sir, can I get you to sign this check for office supplies? Since we're working here, I thought I'd reorder toner.
Thank you, Joan.
And I'll just remind you, you have a surprise with Henry coming up in five minutes.
Joan, this fake office would crumble without you.
Thank you, sir.
Happy birthday! Surprise! - What's going on here? - Happy office party! Happy birthday! Happy office party, Henry.
Is this great or what? Eliza got work bagels! Henry, your children desperately wish they could be here, but they don't have access to modern transportation.
Eliza, can I speak to you in private for a moment? Okay.
Oh, man.
So, did you have fun at the concert? No.
Really? Then why did you buy merch? Don't concern yourself with my merch.
I'm just saying, no one buys a T-shirt to remember a concert they did not have fun at.
Why are these people in my house? How are these people in my house? Did you know your bathroom window can fit a size 2? Okay, Henry, this is the "Jack Reacher" portion of the evening.
Right now, you hate it, but eventually you're gonna loosen up, and -- Have you seen the "Edge of Tomorrow"? Yes, and I walked out.
Further, I did not like "Jack Reacher," nor "Vanilla Sky.
" I was lukewarm on "Cocktail," liked "Tropic Thunder" in spite of him, and, hello, he had no business being The Last Samurai! Should have been Chris Hemsworth.
Who? No, no! All I wanted to do tonight was to sit quietly and finish a documentary on tiny houses.
But instead, against my better judgement, I danced like nobody was watching.
- But somebody was.
- Julia? I'm not afraid to tell you, it was a big turn-off.
For her.
I mean, the crowd loved it, and I made a friend named Wayne, but Julia left early.
Well, that's cool about Wayne, huh? And now I come home to find, in lieu of peace and quiet, you have peppered my house with co-workers I have no interest in partying with! Team, I think it's time to clock out.
I'll see you Monday morning in the real office.
Sir, let me exp-- Must really be hard to have everyone want to celebrate your birthday.
But as someone who knows what it's like to spend their birthday alone, minus one super bitchy clown I can tell you firsthand that it sucks! Eliza You are two amazing women with beautiful, strong calves and deeply adventurous souls.
- We're not having a threesome, Larry.
- Mnh-mnh.
Okay, I'm out.
Nope.
Hmm.
Do you think Henry's gonna forgive you? Um, forgive me? Are you kidding? He should be thanking me.
Tonight was epic! Henry went to a concert, danced with some dude named Wayne, and provided clean drinking water to an entire third-world village.
Yeah, you're right! And Raj had a blast -- Don't think he's ever been to a party.
No! And Joan get her toner on.
Yes.
And Larry's having an imaginary threesome.
Let's get you into something more comfortable, huh? Hey.
Did you page the on-call doctor? Thank you for making a house call on my birthday.
Well, it's not your birthday anymore.
That train has left the station.
Next stop, AARP.
It's a bit more birthday joshing.
But, seriously, folks, uh, may I come in? Please.
Take my coat, please.
I'm sorry.
I've been making an effort to be a bit more lighthearted and humorous.
But the truth is Tonight, you pushed me outside of my comfort zone.
And when that happens, I tend to become cold and judgmental and punishing.
Yeah, same.
I know it's not technically your birthday anymore and you're not keen on presents But I do have one gift I would like to give you.
I'll be here all night.
Seriously, folks.
Not to be insensitive, but how many wells do they need? I mean, can't they be happy with the one well that I just got them? Okay, one more well.
Yes, charge the card on file.
Charlie said you wanted to see me.
Yes.
I just wanted to express my gratitude for the effort that you put forth on my behalf.
I know your intention was to make my big day special, and, in hindsight, I can now confirm that, in fact it was.
What? I had fun at the concert.
Thank you for my party.
I'm sorry I was mean.
I knew you had fun.
Because I just told you.
No, because you're on YouTube.
What? I went viral! - Mm-hmm.
- D-delete that video! Wow.
You really have no idea how the internet works.
Delete that video! That doesn't do anything.
It's still playing.
No.
This is really funny for me.
You just Tweeted it everywhere.