She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e08 Episode Script
Can't Keep a Dead Man Down (2)
Bye-bye.
IAN: When you last saw us, things weren't looking very good.
I was on the verge of fame, fortune and a place in academic history.
That was Monumental Pictures in Hollywood, Dad.
They want to buy my book.
IAN: But then the dead started walking the earth and eating human flesh.
I couldn't do that.
IAN: I had a disagreement with my department head, Dr.
Stevens.
I hope this book makes you very wealthy, because you won't be receiving a salary from this university anymore.
This is Charlie Beaudine, the producer I was telling you about.
IAN: Charlie Beaudine arrived from Hollywood.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
Pig.
Is this any way to treat the man you love? Wait a minute.
And he turned out to be Randi's old lover, who didn't really want my book.
He wanted her.
Do you two know each other? I had another spat with Dr.
Stevens, who discovered the ancient staff of Gilgamesh.
I will have dominion over the whole world of the dead.
You'll need the third bolt for that, and it's in the British Museum, heavily guarded.
Against the living.
Get him! Help me! Go! Randi, tell me lan IAN: Then, if that wasn't enough lan! Lan! Oh, my God.
Help, please.
No.
I got killed.
I'm not leaving.
And Randi refused to go back to the United States.
I'm not going.
Not now, not ever.
So let's just drop it, okay? There's a full moon coming.
Doesn't anybody realize that? Okay, Randi, you've made your point.
The discussion is over.
We won't talk about it anymore.
Agreed? IAN: So, naturally, Charlie drugged her and put her on the plane anyway.
Why the devil was she so concerned about the full moon? IAN: All in all, I've had better weeks.
Excuse me, please.
Thank you.
ANNIE: Your large gin and tonic, Mr.
Massey.
Charlie? Right here, babe.
Where am I? Oh, about 15,000 feet over the Los Angeles basin.
I'm in an airplane.
Relax, in an hour, we're going to be walking on a beach in the moonlight.
Moonlight? Oh, my God.
What's the matter with you? (PANTING) I've got to get off this plane.
We're going to be on the ground in 20 minutes.
That's too late! Read this.
It's a terrific article on sperm whales.
Do you want everyone to die? (SCREAMS) Is everything all right? She's just not feeling very well.
Terrific fear of heights.
Can't leave the ground conscious.
Please listen to me.
You've got to understand.
I'm about to become violently ill.
(RANDI GRUNTS) Here, here, sit back.
Sit, and enjoy the full moon.
No.
(GASPING) You've got to get me off this plane.
Please, miss, get a hold of yourself.
Haven't you got any more of those tranquilizers? No.
(SCREAMING) Please get out.
Please get out.
MAN: Hey, what's going on? (RANDI GRUNTS) She's a little dramatic, but that's the girl I love.
(GRUNTING) Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
(GROWLING) PILO T: The temperature in Los Angeles (ROARS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) What the hell was that? Captain, we have trouble.
A crazy woman's locked herself in the lavatory, and there's a dog loose in the cargo hold.
I hate weekend flights.
Get us priority landing clearance.
Aye, aye, sir.
LA Tower, this is Flight 357.
Would you confirm inbound? Have you seen my girlfriend? She probably took a seat.
Now, please, bring your seat back to its full upright position.
Yeah, I'll just take a check.
And plant your bottom down before I kick it across the plane.
Thank you.
So much for the friendly skies.
(GROWLS) This is your captain speaking.
It appears that a small dog has escaped from its cage in the cargo hold.
Oh, poor little thing.
(SCREAMING) (GROWLING) Please remain seated and enjoy the rest of your flight.
(SHE WOLF GROWLING) We hope you'll have a pleasant stay in the sunny southland.
Doggie, my ass! (GROWLS) (WOMEN EXCLAIMING) (SHE WOLF HOWLING) (SIREN BLARING) WOMAN ON RADIO: Prepare to land, Runway 249.
(SHE WOLF GROWLS) (YELPING) (TIRES SCREECH) Please quickly and calmly make your way to the nearest exit.
(PEOPLE MUTTERING) ANNIE: Excuse me.
You're impeding the orderly deplaning of the passengers.
I'm looking for my girlfriend.
Look for her outside the plane.
Don't mess with me, honey.
I'm a prestige club frequent flier, all right? And I am a ticked-off black belt.
I'm in the way here? MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
(GROWLING) (MEOWING) What the hell? It's just a cat.
Hey, are you dumb or something? Hey, you won't catch a dog with that.
(GROWLING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SNIFFLES) Lan.
MRS.
MATHESON: I can't believe how much I miss her.
She was more than our guest, or lan's student.
She was just like one of our family.
No, she contributed something for her room and board.
I contribute.
I'm the moral center of this household.
You wouldn't catch her slipping a Mickey into somebody's drink and then sticking them on a plane to the States.
It was for her own good, you little hellion.
It was, wasn't it? I mean, we did do the right thing, didn't we? No, you didn't.
But you meant well.
(EXCLAIMS) Welcome back.
She's only been gone two days.
So, how's everything back home? I was too busy running around to notice.
Can you forgive us? As long as you don't raise my rent.
(EXCLAIMS) (SIGHS) It's been hard without you.
I feel so lost and alone.
See, because I could face my curse before because I knew that you were always going to be there, you know.
When I changed, and when I When I came back.
I don't know if I can make it without you.
I don't know.
(SIGHS) I don't know if I want to.
Bye.
Goodbye, lan.
RANDl: How could you? How could you let him stay here? I thought you'd be glad to see him.
Glad? Glad? That man drugged me and put me on a plane to LA.
We were all to blame for that.
It was his idea.
We didn't tell you that.
You didn't have to.
Who in the hell do you think you are? My flight was fine, thank you.
But the jet lag is killing me.
Not before I do, it won't.
Have you ever heard of the Constitution? Free will? Common human decency? Your behavior is way out of line.
My behavior? Do you have any idea of the pain you've caused me? You? First, you freak out, lock yourself in a bathroom.
Then you disappear in a crowd and skip the country without so much as a "So long, sailor.
" You kidnapped me.
Am I supposed to thank you for that? Do you know how many hours I spent searching for you? Do you realize how worried I was? I mean, this is no way to treat a loving boyfriend.
You make me sick.
You are not my boyfriend.
You are a two-bit Two-bit terrorist.
What I am is someone who cares about you.
Would I be here if I didn't? All right, maybe my methods weren't the greatest, but all I want is what's best for you.
Don't you think I have a say in what's best for me? Of course, you do.
Randi, after the funeral, you went nuts.
I mean wacko, hysterical, bananas.
You should have seen yourself.
You were practically baying at the moon.
I believe it.
What is it? Nothing.
Forget it.
I shouldn't yell at you.
Don't worry about it.
It's just I feel so alone.
You got me, and I love you.
Oh, my Charlie.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMS) What? What? Is it a Peeping Tom? Is it that little creep Julian? I'll kill that little pervert.
No, it's me.
It's me.
I'm just not ready for this.
(PANTING) It's lan, isn't it? Yes, no, no.
It's It's just too much, too soon, that's all.
There was something between you two you haven't told me about, huh? No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know, it's just, well That's part of what's been bothering me, but I think I just need some time to work it out before I can Well, you know Good night.
Oh, lan! (SHUSHING) It's me.
But you're dead.
I'm not thrilled about it, either.
(GRUNTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yes? CHARLIE: Randi? Yes? Are you all right? I heard you scream.
Yes, I stubbed my toe.
Yes.
You know what a klutz I am.
Want me to kiss it and make it better? No, no, no, maybe some other time.
Sweet dreams! But, but (BURPS) He looks good.
You're dead and you're still jealous.
Very tasty.
Oh, my God.
I am dead.
Get up.
Now listen to me.
It doesn't matter.
Dead or alive.
All that matters is that you're with me.
I'd rather be alive.
You know, if you didn't smell so bad, I'd think I was dreaming.
Hungry.
(GROWLS) (GASPS) I'm dangerous.
I don't belong with you.
I don't belong at all.
Listen, look, I've lost you once already.
I'm not going to lose you again.
Now just Stay here with me, okay? Please.
I'll help you find a cure for this, I promise.
Sounds familiar.
Now we have something in common.
I'm dead, you're a werewolf.
What a delightful couple.
Imagine our children.
Look, there is hope.
If you're here, that means that bitch isn't dead.
She killed me.
So, she's still trying to find the third lightning bolt to complete the staff of Gilgamesh.
That's how we'll catch her.
And we'll cure you.
Maybe even both of us.
(GRUNTS) (SNIFFING) Hungry.
(BURPS) Hungry.
(SNIFFS) Tasty.
You're You're a mythology professor, not a zombie.
Food.
You have no reason to give in to this bloodlust.
(BURPS) Hungry.
You controlled your urges when you were alive, you can certainly control them when you're dead.
On the other hand, one little snack can't hurt.
(HISSES) Lan, no.
Come on.
(SHUSHING) Hungry.
I know you're hungry.
I know.
But just try to think past that right now.
Try and remember.
Think.
You're lan Matheson.
Professor.
You're You're my friend.
Oh, God.
What have I become? (GROANS) Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
What's all this then? It's lan.
We have to find him.
I think that he might It's all right.
I understand.
I miss him, too.
Earlier tonight, I woke and heard him crying.
Crying? He wanted his dad to bring him some chocolate milk.
He was two years old.
It was a dream.
Just like yours.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hungry.
(THUNDER CRASHING) GUIDE: Legends say that Babylonian king Gilgamesh stole the staff crowned with three golden lightning bolts from Dark Lord Utanapishtim, who ruled the world of the dead with it.
Over the centuries, the staff was broken and dispersed due to the vagaries of time and war.
All that is left is this golden lightning bolt, one of the two known to be in existence.
What are you doing? You kidding? This is the hottest pitch I've heard in months.
Bruce Willis is written all over it.
GUIDE: Our exclusive range of Gilgamesh undergarments.
Hi, babe, Charlie.
Yeah.
Is Skip in? GUIDE: Of course, the entire story of the staff is told in our lavishly illustrated exhibit catalog, available for purchase in the museum gift shop.
Any questions? MAN: Yeah.
What happened to the other lightning bolt? It was stolen last week from a private antiquities dealer.
How hard would it be to steal this one? Actually, it wouldn't be hard at all.
It would be impossible.
No living thing could get past our security system.
What about other things? This display is protected by armed guards, round-the-clock surveillance, infra-red sensor beams, pressure plates under the floor, and motion detectors in the ceiling.
Dust particles can't get through without being detected.
And if anyone got their hands on the artifact, they'd be shocked.
Stunned by their success? Stunned by 50,000 volts of electricity coursing through their body.
(CROWD LAUGHING) If stealing it sounds too difficult, we have a beautiful plastic replica, available for only five pounds in the museum gift shop.
Now, if you'll just follow me this way, we have King Gilgamesh's bronze loin cloth.
(ZOMBIES GROWLING) (DOOR OPENS) Dr.
Matheson.
So glad you decided to publish and perish.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) I always thought of hell as an eternal faculty meeting listening to your jokes.
It seems I was right.
Only half-right, Doctor.
You're not going to last until eternity.
In fact, your brain has already started its irreversible decay.
In just a few short hours, you will be incapable of any thought more complex than Hungry! Exactly.
I have plans for you.
I'll die first.
You already have.
You're going on a little field trip to the British Museum.
The third golden lightning bolt.
See how it pays to hire smart help? What makes you think I'll bring it back? Oh, just a hunch.
So what do you say to my little plan? I'll see you in hell first! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (GROANING) Now what do you say to my little plan? Yes, master.
(LAUGHS SINISTERLY) Of course, the entire story is told in our lavishly illustrated exhibit catalog, which is available downstairs for purchase in our museum gift shop.
Are there any questions? Yeah.
What is so fascinating about that old hunk of scrap? (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
Feel free to take pictures.
I will be right back.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) What's the big idea? It was a legitimate question.
Randi, what are you doing here? I'm fascinated by Gilgamesh.
So see the movie.
It'll be out next Christmas.
You're going to love the car chase through the Vatican.
They needed experienced, educated guides with a strong background in mythology.
No, they needed warm bodies to peddle bronze g-strings at three bucks an hour.
No one asked you to take every single tour.
Well, I'm fascinated by you.
Besides, you haven't answered my question.
I had to get my mind off lan.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Follow me, ladies and gentlemen.
Right this way.
This is the silver dagger of Gilgamesh, which he later used in a fight to the death with the nefarious Lord Helgamite of (ZOMBIES GROWLING) Look at the time.
We're closed! Got to go.
Come on, everybody.
Run.
Run! I need you to run faster now! (ALL CLAMORING) (ALL SCREAMING) Randi, come on.
Let's go! (GUN FIRING) (ZOMBIES GRUNTING) (ALARM RINGING) Lan.
No! Stop it! (GUN CONTINUES FIRING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (YELLING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Sorry, Charlie.
ZOMBIE: Hungry.
(SCREAMS) No.
(GASPS) Lan.
(GASPING) Prepare her for her destiny.
ZOMBIES: (CHANTING) Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
STEVENS: We're so glad you could make it.
The ceremony requires a human sacrifice, and we didn't have a chance to send out invitations.
RANDl: My God.
(GASPS) Lan.
STEVENS: Why despair? You are about to take part in a monumental event.
My ascension to power, and complete dominion over the dead.
I'd rather watch.
Your participation is vital.
Your life force shall be consumed by the staff, and with it, I shall infuse the dead with flesh and blood.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
I command thee, dark forces of the night.
Bow to me, your new master.
(THUNDER CRASHING) The time has come.
(RANDI WHIMPERING) RANDl: Oh, God.
(SCREAMING) (RANDI GROANING) (GRUNTS) (GROWLING) (HOWLING) (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) I take your life, I take your soul, as mine! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (HOWLING) No! Your life force is captured in my staff.
Mine, to wield as I please.
(YELLS) (GROWLING) (STEVENS SCREAMS) I take your life, I take your soul as mine! ZOMBIES: (CHANTING) Hungry.
Your life force is captured within my staff.
Mine to wield as I please.
ALL: Hungry.
Hungry.
IAN: I command you to life! ALL: Hungry.
Hungry.
(IAN SCREAMS) RANDl: Lan.
Randi.
Randi.
(PANTING) I don't know about you, but I'm dead.
"Zombie army massacre in British Museum.
"Living dead, culture vultures or vulture bait?" Do you think it is possible to come back from the dead? Donny Osmond did.
I told you not to bring this trash into my house, you old cow.
Now, look what you've done.
If it is possible to come back from the dead, then maybe our son isn't really gone forever after all.
He is, Mum.
I wish he weren't, but we both know he is.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I didn't write the news.
I only told you what it says.
What it says is a lot of garbage.
I don't want to hear anymore talk about zombies in this house.
Or the living dead.
Or Ronny Osgood, whoever that is.
It's Donny Osmond.
Say that again and you have soap for supper, young man.
Dead is Hi, Dad.
Dead.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, everybody.
Hi! IAN: I knew that Dr.
Stevens was after the lightning bolt, but I couldn't prove it.
So I faked my own death, and dogged her every move.
Well, why didn't you go to the police? And say what? That the respected scholar who'd just fired me was plotting to steal the British Museum's most prized antiquity? Yes.
And next time you're dead, you better be.
Or I'll kill you myself.
It's a deal.
So, how'd you do it? It wasn't easy.
To maintain the ruse that I was dead, I had to live in the shadows.
I had to become the shadows, as I tracked my evil and cunning adversary.
It must have been hell.
Living hell.
But I had a responsibility to my country, to my profession, and to my fellow man to foil this insidious plot.
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Aunt Elsa drives a hard bargain.
I think she took advantage of my delirium.
But I've got the movie rights to lan's life story, so If the check clears.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'll just glance at the fine print one more time before you go.
You're leaving? Yeah, I've been here a couple of weeks.
Hollywood time, that's centuries.
So, I want to get back before I'm ancient history.
Well, don't bother asking me to go.
I won't.
You won't? I know when I've lost.
You're not in love with me anymore.
And it was tight to the death.
And nobody two-times Charlie Beaudine, all right? I'll always love you, Randi.
But, alas, from afar.
Oh, Charlie.
Just don't make it too far, okay? There seem to be a few zeros missing.
Oh, typographical error.
Fatal error.
(GROANING) IAN: Enter lan Stryker, a brawny, world-weary adventurer whose chiseled good looks only hint at this man's endless reserve of inner-strength.
Doesn't sound like a mythology textbook to me.
Far from it.
"lan Stryker, "professor of danger.
" Skip felt that Matheson wasn't a strong, action-oriented kind of name.
Then again, he's never met me.
So, you're already writing the screenplay? Don't you think you're getting just a little bit ahead of yourself? My life story is too good to languish on a shelf.
I know there'll be a movie.
Perhaps even a TV series.
Get real.
So, am I in it? In a big way.
But you'll have to wait to see it on the silver screen.
"Randi enters the classroom in her typically clumsy manner.
" It's a rough draft.
"She can't take her eyes off him as she settles in her desk.
"Her large, full breasts" (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Very rough.
" heaving with each wanton, lusty breath "of unrequited desire"? I said your part was big one.
Well, it's about to be cut.
(YELLS)
IAN: When you last saw us, things weren't looking very good.
I was on the verge of fame, fortune and a place in academic history.
That was Monumental Pictures in Hollywood, Dad.
They want to buy my book.
IAN: But then the dead started walking the earth and eating human flesh.
I couldn't do that.
IAN: I had a disagreement with my department head, Dr.
Stevens.
I hope this book makes you very wealthy, because you won't be receiving a salary from this university anymore.
This is Charlie Beaudine, the producer I was telling you about.
IAN: Charlie Beaudine arrived from Hollywood.
I can't tell you how happy I am to be here.
Pig.
Is this any way to treat the man you love? Wait a minute.
And he turned out to be Randi's old lover, who didn't really want my book.
He wanted her.
Do you two know each other? I had another spat with Dr.
Stevens, who discovered the ancient staff of Gilgamesh.
I will have dominion over the whole world of the dead.
You'll need the third bolt for that, and it's in the British Museum, heavily guarded.
Against the living.
Get him! Help me! Go! Randi, tell me lan IAN: Then, if that wasn't enough lan! Lan! Oh, my God.
Help, please.
No.
I got killed.
I'm not leaving.
And Randi refused to go back to the United States.
I'm not going.
Not now, not ever.
So let's just drop it, okay? There's a full moon coming.
Doesn't anybody realize that? Okay, Randi, you've made your point.
The discussion is over.
We won't talk about it anymore.
Agreed? IAN: So, naturally, Charlie drugged her and put her on the plane anyway.
Why the devil was she so concerned about the full moon? IAN: All in all, I've had better weeks.
Excuse me, please.
Thank you.
ANNIE: Your large gin and tonic, Mr.
Massey.
Charlie? Right here, babe.
Where am I? Oh, about 15,000 feet over the Los Angeles basin.
I'm in an airplane.
Relax, in an hour, we're going to be walking on a beach in the moonlight.
Moonlight? Oh, my God.
What's the matter with you? (PANTING) I've got to get off this plane.
We're going to be on the ground in 20 minutes.
That's too late! Read this.
It's a terrific article on sperm whales.
Do you want everyone to die? (SCREAMS) Is everything all right? She's just not feeling very well.
Terrific fear of heights.
Can't leave the ground conscious.
Please listen to me.
You've got to understand.
I'm about to become violently ill.
(RANDI GRUNTS) Here, here, sit back.
Sit, and enjoy the full moon.
No.
(GASPING) You've got to get me off this plane.
Please, miss, get a hold of yourself.
Haven't you got any more of those tranquilizers? No.
(SCREAMING) Please get out.
Please get out.
MAN: Hey, what's going on? (RANDI GRUNTS) She's a little dramatic, but that's the girl I love.
(GRUNTING) Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts.
(GROWLING) PILO T: The temperature in Los Angeles (ROARS) (ALL EXCLAIMING) What the hell was that? Captain, we have trouble.
A crazy woman's locked herself in the lavatory, and there's a dog loose in the cargo hold.
I hate weekend flights.
Get us priority landing clearance.
Aye, aye, sir.
LA Tower, this is Flight 357.
Would you confirm inbound? Have you seen my girlfriend? She probably took a seat.
Now, please, bring your seat back to its full upright position.
Yeah, I'll just take a check.
And plant your bottom down before I kick it across the plane.
Thank you.
So much for the friendly skies.
(GROWLS) This is your captain speaking.
It appears that a small dog has escaped from its cage in the cargo hold.
Oh, poor little thing.
(SCREAMING) (GROWLING) Please remain seated and enjoy the rest of your flight.
(SHE WOLF GROWLING) We hope you'll have a pleasant stay in the sunny southland.
Doggie, my ass! (GROWLS) (WOMEN EXCLAIMING) (SHE WOLF HOWLING) (SIREN BLARING) WOMAN ON RADIO: Prepare to land, Runway 249.
(SHE WOLF GROWLS) (YELPING) (TIRES SCREECH) Please quickly and calmly make your way to the nearest exit.
(PEOPLE MUTTERING) ANNIE: Excuse me.
You're impeding the orderly deplaning of the passengers.
I'm looking for my girlfriend.
Look for her outside the plane.
Don't mess with me, honey.
I'm a prestige club frequent flier, all right? And I am a ticked-off black belt.
I'm in the way here? MAN: Yeah.
WOMAN: Excuse me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
(GROWLING) (MEOWING) What the hell? It's just a cat.
Hey, are you dumb or something? Hey, you won't catch a dog with that.
(GROWLING) (ALL SCREAMING) (SNIFFLES) Lan.
MRS.
MATHESON: I can't believe how much I miss her.
She was more than our guest, or lan's student.
She was just like one of our family.
No, she contributed something for her room and board.
I contribute.
I'm the moral center of this household.
You wouldn't catch her slipping a Mickey into somebody's drink and then sticking them on a plane to the States.
It was for her own good, you little hellion.
It was, wasn't it? I mean, we did do the right thing, didn't we? No, you didn't.
But you meant well.
(EXCLAIMS) Welcome back.
She's only been gone two days.
So, how's everything back home? I was too busy running around to notice.
Can you forgive us? As long as you don't raise my rent.
(EXCLAIMS) (SIGHS) It's been hard without you.
I feel so lost and alone.
See, because I could face my curse before because I knew that you were always going to be there, you know.
When I changed, and when I When I came back.
I don't know if I can make it without you.
I don't know.
(SIGHS) I don't know if I want to.
Bye.
Goodbye, lan.
RANDl: How could you? How could you let him stay here? I thought you'd be glad to see him.
Glad? Glad? That man drugged me and put me on a plane to LA.
We were all to blame for that.
It was his idea.
We didn't tell you that.
You didn't have to.
Who in the hell do you think you are? My flight was fine, thank you.
But the jet lag is killing me.
Not before I do, it won't.
Have you ever heard of the Constitution? Free will? Common human decency? Your behavior is way out of line.
My behavior? Do you have any idea of the pain you've caused me? You? First, you freak out, lock yourself in a bathroom.
Then you disappear in a crowd and skip the country without so much as a "So long, sailor.
" You kidnapped me.
Am I supposed to thank you for that? Do you know how many hours I spent searching for you? Do you realize how worried I was? I mean, this is no way to treat a loving boyfriend.
You make me sick.
You are not my boyfriend.
You are a two-bit Two-bit terrorist.
What I am is someone who cares about you.
Would I be here if I didn't? All right, maybe my methods weren't the greatest, but all I want is what's best for you.
Don't you think I have a say in what's best for me? Of course, you do.
Randi, after the funeral, you went nuts.
I mean wacko, hysterical, bananas.
You should have seen yourself.
You were practically baying at the moon.
I believe it.
What is it? Nothing.
Forget it.
I shouldn't yell at you.
Don't worry about it.
It's just I feel so alone.
You got me, and I love you.
Oh, my Charlie.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (SCREAMS) What? What? Is it a Peeping Tom? Is it that little creep Julian? I'll kill that little pervert.
No, it's me.
It's me.
I'm just not ready for this.
(PANTING) It's lan, isn't it? Yes, no, no.
It's It's just too much, too soon, that's all.
There was something between you two you haven't told me about, huh? No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know, it's just, well That's part of what's been bothering me, but I think I just need some time to work it out before I can Well, you know Good night.
Oh, lan! (SHUSHING) It's me.
But you're dead.
I'm not thrilled about it, either.
(GRUNTS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yes? CHARLIE: Randi? Yes? Are you all right? I heard you scream.
Yes, I stubbed my toe.
Yes.
You know what a klutz I am.
Want me to kiss it and make it better? No, no, no, maybe some other time.
Sweet dreams! But, but (BURPS) He looks good.
You're dead and you're still jealous.
Very tasty.
Oh, my God.
I am dead.
Get up.
Now listen to me.
It doesn't matter.
Dead or alive.
All that matters is that you're with me.
I'd rather be alive.
You know, if you didn't smell so bad, I'd think I was dreaming.
Hungry.
(GROWLS) (GASPS) I'm dangerous.
I don't belong with you.
I don't belong at all.
Listen, look, I've lost you once already.
I'm not going to lose you again.
Now just Stay here with me, okay? Please.
I'll help you find a cure for this, I promise.
Sounds familiar.
Now we have something in common.
I'm dead, you're a werewolf.
What a delightful couple.
Imagine our children.
Look, there is hope.
If you're here, that means that bitch isn't dead.
She killed me.
So, she's still trying to find the third lightning bolt to complete the staff of Gilgamesh.
That's how we'll catch her.
And we'll cure you.
Maybe even both of us.
(GRUNTS) (SNIFFING) Hungry.
(BURPS) Hungry.
(SNIFFS) Tasty.
You're You're a mythology professor, not a zombie.
Food.
You have no reason to give in to this bloodlust.
(BURPS) Hungry.
You controlled your urges when you were alive, you can certainly control them when you're dead.
On the other hand, one little snack can't hurt.
(HISSES) Lan, no.
Come on.
(SHUSHING) Hungry.
I know you're hungry.
I know.
But just try to think past that right now.
Try and remember.
Think.
You're lan Matheson.
Professor.
You're You're my friend.
Oh, God.
What have I become? (GROANS) Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
Lan.
What's all this then? It's lan.
We have to find him.
I think that he might It's all right.
I understand.
I miss him, too.
Earlier tonight, I woke and heard him crying.
Crying? He wanted his dad to bring him some chocolate milk.
He was two years old.
It was a dream.
Just like yours.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Hungry.
(THUNDER CRASHING) GUIDE: Legends say that Babylonian king Gilgamesh stole the staff crowned with three golden lightning bolts from Dark Lord Utanapishtim, who ruled the world of the dead with it.
Over the centuries, the staff was broken and dispersed due to the vagaries of time and war.
All that is left is this golden lightning bolt, one of the two known to be in existence.
What are you doing? You kidding? This is the hottest pitch I've heard in months.
Bruce Willis is written all over it.
GUIDE: Our exclusive range of Gilgamesh undergarments.
Hi, babe, Charlie.
Yeah.
Is Skip in? GUIDE: Of course, the entire story of the staff is told in our lavishly illustrated exhibit catalog, available for purchase in the museum gift shop.
Any questions? MAN: Yeah.
What happened to the other lightning bolt? It was stolen last week from a private antiquities dealer.
How hard would it be to steal this one? Actually, it wouldn't be hard at all.
It would be impossible.
No living thing could get past our security system.
What about other things? This display is protected by armed guards, round-the-clock surveillance, infra-red sensor beams, pressure plates under the floor, and motion detectors in the ceiling.
Dust particles can't get through without being detected.
And if anyone got their hands on the artifact, they'd be shocked.
Stunned by their success? Stunned by 50,000 volts of electricity coursing through their body.
(CROWD LAUGHING) If stealing it sounds too difficult, we have a beautiful plastic replica, available for only five pounds in the museum gift shop.
Now, if you'll just follow me this way, we have King Gilgamesh's bronze loin cloth.
(ZOMBIES GROWLING) (DOOR OPENS) Dr.
Matheson.
So glad you decided to publish and perish.
(LAUGHS EVILLY) I always thought of hell as an eternal faculty meeting listening to your jokes.
It seems I was right.
Only half-right, Doctor.
You're not going to last until eternity.
In fact, your brain has already started its irreversible decay.
In just a few short hours, you will be incapable of any thought more complex than Hungry! Exactly.
I have plans for you.
I'll die first.
You already have.
You're going on a little field trip to the British Museum.
The third golden lightning bolt.
See how it pays to hire smart help? What makes you think I'll bring it back? Oh, just a hunch.
So what do you say to my little plan? I'll see you in hell first! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (GROANING) Now what do you say to my little plan? Yes, master.
(LAUGHS SINISTERLY) Of course, the entire story is told in our lavishly illustrated exhibit catalog, which is available downstairs for purchase in our museum gift shop.
Are there any questions? Yeah.
What is so fascinating about that old hunk of scrap? (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
Feel free to take pictures.
I will be right back.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING) What's the big idea? It was a legitimate question.
Randi, what are you doing here? I'm fascinated by Gilgamesh.
So see the movie.
It'll be out next Christmas.
You're going to love the car chase through the Vatican.
They needed experienced, educated guides with a strong background in mythology.
No, they needed warm bodies to peddle bronze g-strings at three bucks an hour.
No one asked you to take every single tour.
Well, I'm fascinated by you.
Besides, you haven't answered my question.
I had to get my mind off lan.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Follow me, ladies and gentlemen.
Right this way.
This is the silver dagger of Gilgamesh, which he later used in a fight to the death with the nefarious Lord Helgamite of (ZOMBIES GROWLING) Look at the time.
We're closed! Got to go.
Come on, everybody.
Run.
Run! I need you to run faster now! (ALL CLAMORING) (ALL SCREAMING) Randi, come on.
Let's go! (GUN FIRING) (ZOMBIES GRUNTING) (ALARM RINGING) Lan.
No! Stop it! (GUN CONTINUES FIRING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (YELLING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (ELECTRIC BUZZING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Sorry, Charlie.
ZOMBIE: Hungry.
(SCREAMS) No.
(GASPS) Lan.
(GASPING) Prepare her for her destiny.
ZOMBIES: (CHANTING) Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
STEVENS: We're so glad you could make it.
The ceremony requires a human sacrifice, and we didn't have a chance to send out invitations.
RANDl: My God.
(GASPS) Lan.
STEVENS: Why despair? You are about to take part in a monumental event.
My ascension to power, and complete dominion over the dead.
I'd rather watch.
Your participation is vital.
Your life force shall be consumed by the staff, and with it, I shall infuse the dead with flesh and blood.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Hungry.
I command thee, dark forces of the night.
Bow to me, your new master.
(THUNDER CRASHING) The time has come.
(RANDI WHIMPERING) RANDl: Oh, God.
(SCREAMING) (RANDI GROANING) (GRUNTS) (GROWLING) (HOWLING) (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) I take your life, I take your soul, as mine! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (HOWLING) No! Your life force is captured in my staff.
Mine, to wield as I please.
(YELLS) (GROWLING) (STEVENS SCREAMS) I take your life, I take your soul as mine! ZOMBIES: (CHANTING) Hungry.
Your life force is captured within my staff.
Mine to wield as I please.
ALL: Hungry.
Hungry.
IAN: I command you to life! ALL: Hungry.
Hungry.
(IAN SCREAMS) RANDl: Lan.
Randi.
Randi.
(PANTING) I don't know about you, but I'm dead.
"Zombie army massacre in British Museum.
"Living dead, culture vultures or vulture bait?" Do you think it is possible to come back from the dead? Donny Osmond did.
I told you not to bring this trash into my house, you old cow.
Now, look what you've done.
If it is possible to come back from the dead, then maybe our son isn't really gone forever after all.
He is, Mum.
I wish he weren't, but we both know he is.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I didn't write the news.
I only told you what it says.
What it says is a lot of garbage.
I don't want to hear anymore talk about zombies in this house.
Or the living dead.
Or Ronny Osgood, whoever that is.
It's Donny Osmond.
Say that again and you have soap for supper, young man.
Dead is Hi, Dad.
Dead.
Hi, Mum.
Hi, everybody.
Hi! IAN: I knew that Dr.
Stevens was after the lightning bolt, but I couldn't prove it.
So I faked my own death, and dogged her every move.
Well, why didn't you go to the police? And say what? That the respected scholar who'd just fired me was plotting to steal the British Museum's most prized antiquity? Yes.
And next time you're dead, you better be.
Or I'll kill you myself.
It's a deal.
So, how'd you do it? It wasn't easy.
To maintain the ruse that I was dead, I had to live in the shadows.
I had to become the shadows, as I tracked my evil and cunning adversary.
It must have been hell.
Living hell.
But I had a responsibility to my country, to my profession, and to my fellow man to foil this insidious plot.
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Aunt Elsa drives a hard bargain.
I think she took advantage of my delirium.
But I've got the movie rights to lan's life story, so If the check clears.
(CLEARS THROAT) I'll just glance at the fine print one more time before you go.
You're leaving? Yeah, I've been here a couple of weeks.
Hollywood time, that's centuries.
So, I want to get back before I'm ancient history.
Well, don't bother asking me to go.
I won't.
You won't? I know when I've lost.
You're not in love with me anymore.
And it was tight to the death.
And nobody two-times Charlie Beaudine, all right? I'll always love you, Randi.
But, alas, from afar.
Oh, Charlie.
Just don't make it too far, okay? There seem to be a few zeros missing.
Oh, typographical error.
Fatal error.
(GROANING) IAN: Enter lan Stryker, a brawny, world-weary adventurer whose chiseled good looks only hint at this man's endless reserve of inner-strength.
Doesn't sound like a mythology textbook to me.
Far from it.
"lan Stryker, "professor of danger.
" Skip felt that Matheson wasn't a strong, action-oriented kind of name.
Then again, he's never met me.
So, you're already writing the screenplay? Don't you think you're getting just a little bit ahead of yourself? My life story is too good to languish on a shelf.
I know there'll be a movie.
Perhaps even a TV series.
Get real.
So, am I in it? In a big way.
But you'll have to wait to see it on the silver screen.
"Randi enters the classroom in her typically clumsy manner.
" It's a rough draft.
"She can't take her eyes off him as she settles in her desk.
"Her large, full breasts" (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Very rough.
" heaving with each wanton, lusty breath "of unrequited desire"? I said your part was big one.
Well, it's about to be cut.
(YELLS)