Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e08 Episode Script
Mr. Hofftard Goes to Washington
[All talking at once.]
Hey, hey, hey! Quit the monkey business back there! We're going to Washington, D.
C.
, not the zoo, although there is a zoo there, where considerable monkey business takes place.
And it's called the senate.
Who's doing satire back there? Did Doonesbury get on the bus? Are we driving to bloom county? This is not an editorial cartoon.
And take off that shirt! Stuart: Well, I, for one, am excited for this field trip to Washington, D.
C.
I even purchased "the mature lesbian's guide to D.
C.
" At home depot.
Yes, I think I will take my lover on a stroll through the botanical gardens at dusk and then make fun of the Washington monument.
Sue: No service for 30 miles.
Well, this would be a bad place for a bus to-- [imitating bus sputtering.]
Oh, no! This bus is overheating! Well, this is totally unplanned, I say without a hint of suspicion.
Now, all teachers please exit.
I'm going to need you to track down water.
[Bus revving.]
Sue's ditching us! I guess I should have told you, but Sue isn't actually going to Washington for a field trip.
You guys want to know what Sue's really planning? You see, she's gonna-- he knows more than he's letting on.
Formation cobra! [grunting.]
Maybe this'll make him talk.
I never said I wouldn't talk.
Sue's gonna testify to a senate panel about why knob haven is the worst high school in the country.
But that's good.
She can tell them why the school's so bad.
We're overcrowded, underfunded-- actually, she's planning on blaming it all on the teachers.
We're incompetent, unqualified, apathetic, we just "phone it in"-- [ring.]
Oh, who cares? All right.
We need to get to D.
C.
before Sue so we can stop her from putting the blame on us.
Stuart, when does Sue testify? 3:00 tomorrow in the capitol building.
She's probably halfway to-- she's coming back! Ok, this is embarrassing, but I'm gonna need some money for gas.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
That was probably pushing it.
So we've got 24 hours to get to Washington, and the best way for us to beat Sue is for us to pair off.
I choose Mira-- I call Larry.
Let's ride.
Ha ha! I saved you from having me with one of the chicks.
We're gonna have fun.
I'm gonna try to give you onion gum-- oh, darn! I'm not supposed to say onion.
Never mind.
You'll forget.
Forget what? I didn't say anything.
Can my couple be 3 people-- me, Miracle, and Stuart? Nuh-uh! I get Miracle.
There's no way a car's gonna stop for me.
Well, except out of curiosity.
What do you say, happy? Willard? Seriously, he's, like, a hundred.
The guy's got one working kidney.
Oh, it's working.
It's just working against me.
Hey! Oh, hey! Thanks a lot, [Bleep.]
! [car horn honks.]
Whoa! Hey, [Bleep.]
! Let me try.
[Brakes screech.]
Heh! Can I borrow your car for a few days? Absolutely.
[whistles.]
Let's go, honey.
Clear out.
This woman's waiting.
May I store your fishing gear in the trunk? Oh, no.
That's Helen.
Hey, I'll take "fishing gear" any day.
What? Your mother will still be dead tomorrow.
These boots were so not made for walking.
Hold on.
What do we have here? I haven't seen one of these since I was a child.
I just wonder if I remember how to hot-wire it.
[Neighs.]
Oh, there we go.
Hop in.
Oh, look.
It's got an iPod interface.
[Horse whinnies.]
And so begin the fantastically implausible erotic adventures of Professor Balloonius-- master of the clouds, caresser of cumulus, nuzzler of nimbus-- the first man to masturbate at an altitude of 5 miles.
If I were you, America, I would wear a hat.
Stuart: Hello.
What's this? "Erotic cloud fancier," "tight Asian clouds," "catholic school clouds"? Eww, gross! Let see.
[Truck horn honks.]
Hey! Yoo hoo! Woo hoo! I know this sounds crazy, but we need to get to D.
C.
before our boss does.
Well, that don't sound crazy.
What's crazy is pickles are just old cucumbers.
Even crazier is that I call a poop a pickle.
So if you'll excuse me, I got to head into the woods and fire up a pickle.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm on it.
Woo hoo! Larry: Yeah, you weren't thinking what I was thinking.
Why are we driving a truck when we're hauling a race car? On it.
Duh! Great call, Larry.
Duh! You can't do this in a race car.
[Honk honk.]
Well, you still weren't thinking what I was thinking, but whatever.
We got to get to Washington.
And, uh, who says a race to D.
C.
can't also be a pleasant road trip? I was as skeptical of this trip as I was of this onion gum, but we are having fun.
I'm so bored! And your breath reeks.
Let's see what this guy's got in his porn compartment.
Jackpot! Oh, it's just pickle porn.
"Green and bumpy.
" "Two pickles, one jar"? "Barely kosher"? Oh, it's so gross.
I'm sorry, boring Larry.
I guess I've always hated road trips ever since I was a child.
Dad, can we pull over for a soda? We're moving heat-sensitive military cargo through the desert and you want to stop for a soda? You think we stopped for a soda on hamburger hill? Hell, no! Even though we wanted to because the mission sounded so damn delicious! Well, can I get a soda when I join the military? You might get a mouthful of fang pao, which is an especially tasty Vietnamese soda.
It's also what we called genital herpes and high fives.
Fang pao! I don't know, dad.
The military sounds kind of scary.
What if I'm not brave enough? Then you're gonna get a faceful of whap bang, which is a very spicy pork dish, and I'll hit you in the face with it.
So my dad gave me a clever nickname.
Ha ha ha! "Coward.
" Just because your dad labeled you a coward doesn't make you a coward.
You know what? Since we're already gonna be in D.
C.
, let's pop by the Pentagon and you can show your dad you're not a coward.
Or better-- we get ice cream and you hold me while I cry.
Helen: Everything's so easy for you, like how that guy just gave you this car.
I'll bet when you get to the senate, you'll just bat your pretty eyes, and they'll name a law after you.
But you can get what you want, too, sweetie.
You want to know how I get everything I get? Flirting.
But I don't know how to flirt.
I mean, my last date was a cardboard cutout of the TiVo logo.
Oh, it's easy.
Flirting is the oldest profession in the world.
Come on.
Give it a try.
Flirt! Get your hot flirt here! Flirt! Aah! [Crash.]
That was probably just a coincidence.
Ohh, I am full of liquid like crazy kool-aid man.
I've got to go.
Oh, yeah! Wait a minute.
The sun's getting closer to us.
No! We're getting closer to it! Dangerously so! We need to lose altitude! No, we're too light! If anything leaves this balloon, we'll float into the sun! If mars doesn't get us first! It's completely sound logic.
You mean-- yes, happy.
If we pee, we die.
Ennis: So, lar bear, I just don't know if we're gonna have time to see my dad at the Pentagon.
I mean, between the whole thing with stopping Sue from testifying, and we really should check out that upside down stamp of the Smithsonian, what with it being upside down and all, but, damn! [Snoring.]
I was really looking forward to confronting my dad and not running from him.
Hope your dreams are sweet, Larry, 'cause when you wake up, you're gonna be sour, like miss kosher dill 2006.
[Horse snorts.]
Willard, we'd be making good time if you and the horse didn't stop every few minutes to eat garbage.
Man: Attention! Return forthwith! [Reins slap, horse whinnies.]
Whoa! Whoa! Second man: Well, well, well.
Looks like you picked the wrong town to pilfer a buggy in.
Namely colonial Williamsburg in 1741.
Is that the year we're doing today? Do these look like my 1760s pantaloons, ass wipe? Whoa.
Anachronism.
Sorry.
God! Knickers, ass wipe.
As punishment, you two shall work off your debt in the fields.
Like slaves? Oh, we don't use that term anymore.
We prefer "freedom-challenged Americans.
" He's waking up.
Remember your lines, people.
Big energy.
Pick up the cues.
Hey, buddy.
We're here in Washington.
[Yawns.]
Really? That was fast.
Oh! Check out this crunk hotel.
It's so D.
C.
I bet it's crawling with presidents and redskins and maybe even my dad.
Dad! Ennis, my son.
I have something to tell you, dad, something I didn't have the nerve to say until this road trip.
First, you've always managed to look remarkably young.
Secondly, just because I chose not to go into the military doesn't make me a coward.
There, I said it.
I'm proud of you, son.
I know you're not a coward.
Check-out is at noon.
Ok, then.
That's enough.
Hey, look! It's ma Ria! Hola, Mr.
son.
It was great to raise you.
Ah, maRia.
You always embarrass me.
I know that this isn't your real family.
Ennis, hey, this is ridiculous.
Tomorrow, when your dad sees you, he's gonna see a brave man, because somehow, between here and Washington, you're gonna get brave.
Mr.
son, he grow up so fast.
I make your room ready now, just as you like it, with cinemax for only $15 extra.
Now, Ennis, the only reason that you think you're a coward is because that is what your father told you all those years.
It's time for you to get brave.
Ok, buddy, let's do it.
Let's make a bravery baby.
This'll be perfect.
Bet I could be brave there.
What are you talking about? You can't be brave at a blueberry festival, Ennis.
[Scoffs.]
Easy for you to say.
Just wait till you're in the [Bleep.]
.
There could be a guy there with a knife, probably to cut a pie, but what if he trips? Blood and blueberry juice mixing in the streets? Also, you know who likes blueberries and blood? Bears! Oh! On second thought, maybe the blueberry festival isn't the best idea.
[Roars.]
[Whip cracking.]
Make haste with the cotton-picking, then reattach the cotton to the plants for the 4:00 picking show.
Yeah.
Maybe light-saber app will make you go faster.
[Light saber sound effect.]
I never knew how horrific slavery really was.
Back-breaking labor, the posing with tourists, that endless shuttle bus back to the condominium.
I can't take it anymore.
We've got to escape.
[cell phone rings.]
Verily I hath received a communication from general Washington.
Yo, what's up, g? Let's go! Aah! Running! [dog barking.]
Oh, my God! Dogs! Oh.
Well, that worked out.
"The underground railroad ran beneath this safe house.
" [Doorbell rings.]
Mom! Runaway slaves! Woman: Show them the passage, honey, and tell Tammy it's time for dinner.
You want to go see my room or go straight to freedom? Freedom, please.
Tammy! It's time for dinnertime! My sister Tammy's at a real crossroads, like, you guys.
It's called pooberty.
My pa, he said she could either turn into a butterfly or a butter face.
Tammy: Shut up! Just show us the passage, kid.
This passageway will take you north to freedom.
Also, Tammy fun fact: I found a tampon in her purse.
Hey, thanks for your help, and good luck with your period, Tammy! Tammy: Eww! See? Now you look nearly female.
Helen, honey, flirting's as simple as 1, 2, 3, 4.
Now watch and learn.
Hey, big boy.
Heh! Uh, hi.
Ha ha! You're funny.
[Giggles.]
Really? I'm funny? You know, I get that a lot.
People tell me I look like Chris Parnell.
Gosh, I really need to get to D.
C.
in a hurry, but I don't have any money.
If I could just get some gas, I'm sure everything would be OK.
You know what's funny? That tank's empty, but this tank's all full.
You know, let's save paying for gas for the ugly peoples.
Us beautiful peoples have an understanding.
Will I ever see you again? I'll visit you in your dreams.
Now scoot.
Ok, Helen, now it's your turn.
Now you go inside and try it out.
Listen up, fat man.
Keep your eyes on me.
That's right.
Please don't hurt me! My wife is pregnant with our third! Ha ha ha ha! Real funny! Real funny! It's working.
Now, if you just give me everything I want, everything's gonna be OK.
Yes, anything, anything! Just tell me! Ok, I want some fruit pies, I want some of that Turkey jerky-- I'm putting all the money in a sack, OK? Man, on radio: Breaker, breaker, we got a hold-up at dovetail's.
Holy crap! A hold-up at dovetail's.
That's here! Ennis, this is your chance to show bravery, real bravery.
Maybe you're right, lar.
It's now or never, or maybe a few days from now.
I've got to sleep on it.
No! I'm gonna do this! What do you think you're doing, man? Heroes die, OK? They [Bleep.]
Die! Scamper away, man! Scamper! Scamper! Scamper! You gave me what I want.
Now you get yours.
Aah! I don't even know what I'm looking at! Which way are you facing?! Oh, I'll visit you again, in your dreams.
Yeah, no [Bleep.]
! Wow! He gave you a lot of money.
You must have really turned him on.
Yeah! I think I did.
He kept reaching under the counter, like he was grabbing for something.
[Both groaning.]
Don't think about peeing.
Don't think about peeing.
[Flushing.]
And that's not helping matters.
Oh, I can't handle that liquid just sloshing around.
It's too suggestive! This is for the lifetime of misfortune that's been heaped on my head--ow! Sue: Ok! All right.
Oh! Mama's gotta tinkle.
Aw, crap.
They found rides.
We've got to beat them to Washington.
Back on the bus! I don't even deserve to be called a coward after that.
Call me mega-coward.
No, that sounds too cool.
Ennis, come on.
We're going to the Pentagon.
Don't you see? You just need to be honest with your dad.
Telling him you're a coward is the bravest thing you can do.
Can't argue with that sound logic.
Guess that's why you teach math.
I teach p.
E.
Right.
I teach math.
You teach English.
Because that's what cowards do.
Man: Move it, private! Put that over there, son! Larry: There he is, the man who scared you your whole life.
Now go up to him and tell him you're a coward.
Keep that box upright, maggot! I don't think I need to remind you how much our boys overseas are counting on this shipment! Hello, dad.
Offspring? Is that you? Well, here goes.
Dad, there's something I want to tell you.
It's really tough for me to say, but remember when you said if you saw that cowardly lion, you'd shoot it in the face? Well, I'm not a lion per Se, but I'm finally able to confess that-- what the [Bleep.]
Are you doin', man? You tell him you're a coward, he'll eat you alive like some sort of wussy [Bleep.]
Chickadee! Brave.
I'm brave, dad.
You? Brave? Huh! I have one hug left in the chamber, locked and loaded.
But if you're lying to me, I swear to God, I will discharge it into the ground! Can your friend verify this claim of bravery? Yes, sir.
Ennis is a very brave man.
That's right, dad.
Why, just on the way over here, I saved a little boy from a ghost.
Werewolf? No.
Too scary.
Ghost.
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
A ghost? Is that true? Yes.
Your son defeated a ghost.
Well, then I guess I believe it.
Son, come here and take a hug to the chest area.
You, maintain eye contact.
You've earned it.
Sue: Here we are in our nation's capital, where freedom reigns.
Now don't get off the bus except to feed the meter.
[Bangs gavel.]
The United States senate is convened to discuss the very important matter of our nation's failing school system, particularly the worst school in the country--knob haven high.
As we know, children, as well as robots and clones, are our future-- Sue: Ok, I'm gonna stop this esteemed wind bag right here.
There's a very simple reason why knob haven is the worst school in the nation, and it's not me.
You see, the members of my faculty-- [subway noise.]
Boy, that underground railroad really moves.
Whew! Being a slave is serious exercise.
I mean, I'm sore, but a good sore, you know? Like when you haven't been to the gym in forever and then you go? That is slavery in a nutshell.
[all gasp.]
I'm sorry.
My hearing is poor from taking a high-powered hose to the eardrum in the sixties.
Did you just equate slavery to going to the gym? Uh, those are two of my teachers and, yes, they just did, which brings me to my point.
The teachers-- Helen: Don't listen to anything Sue says! She's running the school into the ground! Just ignore these people, and I will continue to tell you the real problem with knob haven.
It's the-- [whistle blows.]
Time-out! There are no time-outs in the senate! Someone better give me some answers or principal Sezno is in big trouble! Ok, everyone.
I've got a plan.
Huddle up.
I will listen in, but I will not huddle.
I learned something today: The only thing more powerful than the truth is a lie you can tell with a friend.
And if enough of your friends lie, then that lie becomes the truth.
So come on.
Let's lie our asses off to these noble senators.
Senators, the real reason knob haven high school underperforms so badly is because of-- ghosts.
That's what you want to go with? Norkin: Let me get this right.
The reason our nation's schools test so poorly is g-g-ghosts? Sue: Yes, your honorable senator.
It is most certainly not because our teachers are a pack of dummies.
It's because of ghosts.
Well, if these ghosts are anything like the ghosts in movies, then how could anyone teach, let alone learn? Why, with all the goo and the wobbly titterings? Senator norkin, how much is currently being budgeted for busting of ghosts? I believe none, senator young.
Well, I move that educational funding be taken from books and computers and be re-allocated to ghost-busting.
And we'll name it after that blonde gal with the boobies and the mouth and such.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, I'm going to be going to hell.
Happy, we may not survive.
There go our plans of opening up a shoe-tying service together.
It was sound logical plan, my friend.
Maybe this is just the backed-up urine talking, but I love you, man.
[Pop.]
Oh Oh Good lying back there, Ennis, but that's always been your strength.
But what's this odd feeling? The only emotions I know are tired, horny, super-bold, guilt about lying to my father-- oh, you know what? It's that one.
[Alarm blaring.]
There's some sort of terrorist attack on D.
C.
This is my chance to prove to my dad that I really can be brave.
You really want to go from zero to terrorist attack? Come on.
Miss kosher dill said one of her turn-ons was heroes, and I want a piece of that pickle.
Dad! The terrorists are coming! Let's be brave and kick their asses together.
Terrorists? Stuart: Oof! I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to Got to pee, got to pee Are you nuts, man? Oh, those guys would maul you! Do what you were trained to do, soldier.
Go limp! Roll around in some dirt! Cover your sand, man! Oh, the old [Bleep.]
'S right, man! He knows how to stay alive! What's going on, dad? You have a comfort kitty just like I do.
Well, yeah.
I've had him since the fall of Saigon.
Right, when you were fighting those pesky non-Americans.
No, son.
It's about time you learned what your father really does for a living.
Wait.
Salty treats? Snow globes? That's right, Ennis.
I run the Pentagon gift shop.
So you're not a war hero? In my flashback, the heat-sensitive cargo was really just chocolate bars? So you're a-- I'm a coward.
That's right.
I entered the gift and sundries division of the armed services because I was afraid of getting blown up on a battlefield.
I'm a coward, too.
Don't you see? We're both cowards.
This is great, dad! No, it's not, son.
I'm worthless.
Worthless? You're the soldier who supplies sugary treats to the most important people in the world-- Americans.
And you're brave for taking on the worst profession of all-- teaching America's horrible children.
[honk honk.]
Hofftard! Get on the damn bus! Well, I guess this is good-bye.
I love ya, coward.
You, too, mega-coward.
Hey, that sounds pretty cool.
Both: Fang pao!
Hey, hey, hey! Quit the monkey business back there! We're going to Washington, D.
C.
, not the zoo, although there is a zoo there, where considerable monkey business takes place.
And it's called the senate.
Who's doing satire back there? Did Doonesbury get on the bus? Are we driving to bloom county? This is not an editorial cartoon.
And take off that shirt! Stuart: Well, I, for one, am excited for this field trip to Washington, D.
C.
I even purchased "the mature lesbian's guide to D.
C.
" At home depot.
Yes, I think I will take my lover on a stroll through the botanical gardens at dusk and then make fun of the Washington monument.
Sue: No service for 30 miles.
Well, this would be a bad place for a bus to-- [imitating bus sputtering.]
Oh, no! This bus is overheating! Well, this is totally unplanned, I say without a hint of suspicion.
Now, all teachers please exit.
I'm going to need you to track down water.
[Bus revving.]
Sue's ditching us! I guess I should have told you, but Sue isn't actually going to Washington for a field trip.
You guys want to know what Sue's really planning? You see, she's gonna-- he knows more than he's letting on.
Formation cobra! [grunting.]
Maybe this'll make him talk.
I never said I wouldn't talk.
Sue's gonna testify to a senate panel about why knob haven is the worst high school in the country.
But that's good.
She can tell them why the school's so bad.
We're overcrowded, underfunded-- actually, she's planning on blaming it all on the teachers.
We're incompetent, unqualified, apathetic, we just "phone it in"-- [ring.]
Oh, who cares? All right.
We need to get to D.
C.
before Sue so we can stop her from putting the blame on us.
Stuart, when does Sue testify? 3:00 tomorrow in the capitol building.
She's probably halfway to-- she's coming back! Ok, this is embarrassing, but I'm gonna need some money for gas.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
That was probably pushing it.
So we've got 24 hours to get to Washington, and the best way for us to beat Sue is for us to pair off.
I choose Mira-- I call Larry.
Let's ride.
Ha ha! I saved you from having me with one of the chicks.
We're gonna have fun.
I'm gonna try to give you onion gum-- oh, darn! I'm not supposed to say onion.
Never mind.
You'll forget.
Forget what? I didn't say anything.
Can my couple be 3 people-- me, Miracle, and Stuart? Nuh-uh! I get Miracle.
There's no way a car's gonna stop for me.
Well, except out of curiosity.
What do you say, happy? Willard? Seriously, he's, like, a hundred.
The guy's got one working kidney.
Oh, it's working.
It's just working against me.
Hey! Oh, hey! Thanks a lot, [Bleep.]
! [car horn honks.]
Whoa! Hey, [Bleep.]
! Let me try.
[Brakes screech.]
Heh! Can I borrow your car for a few days? Absolutely.
[whistles.]
Let's go, honey.
Clear out.
This woman's waiting.
May I store your fishing gear in the trunk? Oh, no.
That's Helen.
Hey, I'll take "fishing gear" any day.
What? Your mother will still be dead tomorrow.
These boots were so not made for walking.
Hold on.
What do we have here? I haven't seen one of these since I was a child.
I just wonder if I remember how to hot-wire it.
[Neighs.]
Oh, there we go.
Hop in.
Oh, look.
It's got an iPod interface.
[Horse whinnies.]
And so begin the fantastically implausible erotic adventures of Professor Balloonius-- master of the clouds, caresser of cumulus, nuzzler of nimbus-- the first man to masturbate at an altitude of 5 miles.
If I were you, America, I would wear a hat.
Stuart: Hello.
What's this? "Erotic cloud fancier," "tight Asian clouds," "catholic school clouds"? Eww, gross! Let see.
[Truck horn honks.]
Hey! Yoo hoo! Woo hoo! I know this sounds crazy, but we need to get to D.
C.
before our boss does.
Well, that don't sound crazy.
What's crazy is pickles are just old cucumbers.
Even crazier is that I call a poop a pickle.
So if you'll excuse me, I got to head into the woods and fire up a pickle.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'm on it.
Woo hoo! Larry: Yeah, you weren't thinking what I was thinking.
Why are we driving a truck when we're hauling a race car? On it.
Duh! Great call, Larry.
Duh! You can't do this in a race car.
[Honk honk.]
Well, you still weren't thinking what I was thinking, but whatever.
We got to get to Washington.
And, uh, who says a race to D.
C.
can't also be a pleasant road trip? I was as skeptical of this trip as I was of this onion gum, but we are having fun.
I'm so bored! And your breath reeks.
Let's see what this guy's got in his porn compartment.
Jackpot! Oh, it's just pickle porn.
"Green and bumpy.
" "Two pickles, one jar"? "Barely kosher"? Oh, it's so gross.
I'm sorry, boring Larry.
I guess I've always hated road trips ever since I was a child.
Dad, can we pull over for a soda? We're moving heat-sensitive military cargo through the desert and you want to stop for a soda? You think we stopped for a soda on hamburger hill? Hell, no! Even though we wanted to because the mission sounded so damn delicious! Well, can I get a soda when I join the military? You might get a mouthful of fang pao, which is an especially tasty Vietnamese soda.
It's also what we called genital herpes and high fives.
Fang pao! I don't know, dad.
The military sounds kind of scary.
What if I'm not brave enough? Then you're gonna get a faceful of whap bang, which is a very spicy pork dish, and I'll hit you in the face with it.
So my dad gave me a clever nickname.
Ha ha ha! "Coward.
" Just because your dad labeled you a coward doesn't make you a coward.
You know what? Since we're already gonna be in D.
C.
, let's pop by the Pentagon and you can show your dad you're not a coward.
Or better-- we get ice cream and you hold me while I cry.
Helen: Everything's so easy for you, like how that guy just gave you this car.
I'll bet when you get to the senate, you'll just bat your pretty eyes, and they'll name a law after you.
But you can get what you want, too, sweetie.
You want to know how I get everything I get? Flirting.
But I don't know how to flirt.
I mean, my last date was a cardboard cutout of the TiVo logo.
Oh, it's easy.
Flirting is the oldest profession in the world.
Come on.
Give it a try.
Flirt! Get your hot flirt here! Flirt! Aah! [Crash.]
That was probably just a coincidence.
Ohh, I am full of liquid like crazy kool-aid man.
I've got to go.
Oh, yeah! Wait a minute.
The sun's getting closer to us.
No! We're getting closer to it! Dangerously so! We need to lose altitude! No, we're too light! If anything leaves this balloon, we'll float into the sun! If mars doesn't get us first! It's completely sound logic.
You mean-- yes, happy.
If we pee, we die.
Ennis: So, lar bear, I just don't know if we're gonna have time to see my dad at the Pentagon.
I mean, between the whole thing with stopping Sue from testifying, and we really should check out that upside down stamp of the Smithsonian, what with it being upside down and all, but, damn! [Snoring.]
I was really looking forward to confronting my dad and not running from him.
Hope your dreams are sweet, Larry, 'cause when you wake up, you're gonna be sour, like miss kosher dill 2006.
[Horse snorts.]
Willard, we'd be making good time if you and the horse didn't stop every few minutes to eat garbage.
Man: Attention! Return forthwith! [Reins slap, horse whinnies.]
Whoa! Whoa! Second man: Well, well, well.
Looks like you picked the wrong town to pilfer a buggy in.
Namely colonial Williamsburg in 1741.
Is that the year we're doing today? Do these look like my 1760s pantaloons, ass wipe? Whoa.
Anachronism.
Sorry.
God! Knickers, ass wipe.
As punishment, you two shall work off your debt in the fields.
Like slaves? Oh, we don't use that term anymore.
We prefer "freedom-challenged Americans.
" He's waking up.
Remember your lines, people.
Big energy.
Pick up the cues.
Hey, buddy.
We're here in Washington.
[Yawns.]
Really? That was fast.
Oh! Check out this crunk hotel.
It's so D.
C.
I bet it's crawling with presidents and redskins and maybe even my dad.
Dad! Ennis, my son.
I have something to tell you, dad, something I didn't have the nerve to say until this road trip.
First, you've always managed to look remarkably young.
Secondly, just because I chose not to go into the military doesn't make me a coward.
There, I said it.
I'm proud of you, son.
I know you're not a coward.
Check-out is at noon.
Ok, then.
That's enough.
Hey, look! It's ma Ria! Hola, Mr.
son.
It was great to raise you.
Ah, maRia.
You always embarrass me.
I know that this isn't your real family.
Ennis, hey, this is ridiculous.
Tomorrow, when your dad sees you, he's gonna see a brave man, because somehow, between here and Washington, you're gonna get brave.
Mr.
son, he grow up so fast.
I make your room ready now, just as you like it, with cinemax for only $15 extra.
Now, Ennis, the only reason that you think you're a coward is because that is what your father told you all those years.
It's time for you to get brave.
Ok, buddy, let's do it.
Let's make a bravery baby.
This'll be perfect.
Bet I could be brave there.
What are you talking about? You can't be brave at a blueberry festival, Ennis.
[Scoffs.]
Easy for you to say.
Just wait till you're in the [Bleep.]
.
There could be a guy there with a knife, probably to cut a pie, but what if he trips? Blood and blueberry juice mixing in the streets? Also, you know who likes blueberries and blood? Bears! Oh! On second thought, maybe the blueberry festival isn't the best idea.
[Roars.]
[Whip cracking.]
Make haste with the cotton-picking, then reattach the cotton to the plants for the 4:00 picking show.
Yeah.
Maybe light-saber app will make you go faster.
[Light saber sound effect.]
I never knew how horrific slavery really was.
Back-breaking labor, the posing with tourists, that endless shuttle bus back to the condominium.
I can't take it anymore.
We've got to escape.
[cell phone rings.]
Verily I hath received a communication from general Washington.
Yo, what's up, g? Let's go! Aah! Running! [dog barking.]
Oh, my God! Dogs! Oh.
Well, that worked out.
"The underground railroad ran beneath this safe house.
" [Doorbell rings.]
Mom! Runaway slaves! Woman: Show them the passage, honey, and tell Tammy it's time for dinner.
You want to go see my room or go straight to freedom? Freedom, please.
Tammy! It's time for dinnertime! My sister Tammy's at a real crossroads, like, you guys.
It's called pooberty.
My pa, he said she could either turn into a butterfly or a butter face.
Tammy: Shut up! Just show us the passage, kid.
This passageway will take you north to freedom.
Also, Tammy fun fact: I found a tampon in her purse.
Hey, thanks for your help, and good luck with your period, Tammy! Tammy: Eww! See? Now you look nearly female.
Helen, honey, flirting's as simple as 1, 2, 3, 4.
Now watch and learn.
Hey, big boy.
Heh! Uh, hi.
Ha ha! You're funny.
[Giggles.]
Really? I'm funny? You know, I get that a lot.
People tell me I look like Chris Parnell.
Gosh, I really need to get to D.
C.
in a hurry, but I don't have any money.
If I could just get some gas, I'm sure everything would be OK.
You know what's funny? That tank's empty, but this tank's all full.
You know, let's save paying for gas for the ugly peoples.
Us beautiful peoples have an understanding.
Will I ever see you again? I'll visit you in your dreams.
Now scoot.
Ok, Helen, now it's your turn.
Now you go inside and try it out.
Listen up, fat man.
Keep your eyes on me.
That's right.
Please don't hurt me! My wife is pregnant with our third! Ha ha ha ha! Real funny! Real funny! It's working.
Now, if you just give me everything I want, everything's gonna be OK.
Yes, anything, anything! Just tell me! Ok, I want some fruit pies, I want some of that Turkey jerky-- I'm putting all the money in a sack, OK? Man, on radio: Breaker, breaker, we got a hold-up at dovetail's.
Holy crap! A hold-up at dovetail's.
That's here! Ennis, this is your chance to show bravery, real bravery.
Maybe you're right, lar.
It's now or never, or maybe a few days from now.
I've got to sleep on it.
No! I'm gonna do this! What do you think you're doing, man? Heroes die, OK? They [Bleep.]
Die! Scamper away, man! Scamper! Scamper! Scamper! You gave me what I want.
Now you get yours.
Aah! I don't even know what I'm looking at! Which way are you facing?! Oh, I'll visit you again, in your dreams.
Yeah, no [Bleep.]
! Wow! He gave you a lot of money.
You must have really turned him on.
Yeah! I think I did.
He kept reaching under the counter, like he was grabbing for something.
[Both groaning.]
Don't think about peeing.
Don't think about peeing.
[Flushing.]
And that's not helping matters.
Oh, I can't handle that liquid just sloshing around.
It's too suggestive! This is for the lifetime of misfortune that's been heaped on my head--ow! Sue: Ok! All right.
Oh! Mama's gotta tinkle.
Aw, crap.
They found rides.
We've got to beat them to Washington.
Back on the bus! I don't even deserve to be called a coward after that.
Call me mega-coward.
No, that sounds too cool.
Ennis, come on.
We're going to the Pentagon.
Don't you see? You just need to be honest with your dad.
Telling him you're a coward is the bravest thing you can do.
Can't argue with that sound logic.
Guess that's why you teach math.
I teach p.
E.
Right.
I teach math.
You teach English.
Because that's what cowards do.
Man: Move it, private! Put that over there, son! Larry: There he is, the man who scared you your whole life.
Now go up to him and tell him you're a coward.
Keep that box upright, maggot! I don't think I need to remind you how much our boys overseas are counting on this shipment! Hello, dad.
Offspring? Is that you? Well, here goes.
Dad, there's something I want to tell you.
It's really tough for me to say, but remember when you said if you saw that cowardly lion, you'd shoot it in the face? Well, I'm not a lion per Se, but I'm finally able to confess that-- what the [Bleep.]
Are you doin', man? You tell him you're a coward, he'll eat you alive like some sort of wussy [Bleep.]
Chickadee! Brave.
I'm brave, dad.
You? Brave? Huh! I have one hug left in the chamber, locked and loaded.
But if you're lying to me, I swear to God, I will discharge it into the ground! Can your friend verify this claim of bravery? Yes, sir.
Ennis is a very brave man.
That's right, dad.
Why, just on the way over here, I saved a little boy from a ghost.
Werewolf? No.
Too scary.
Ghost.
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
A ghost? Is that true? Yes.
Your son defeated a ghost.
Well, then I guess I believe it.
Son, come here and take a hug to the chest area.
You, maintain eye contact.
You've earned it.
Sue: Here we are in our nation's capital, where freedom reigns.
Now don't get off the bus except to feed the meter.
[Bangs gavel.]
The United States senate is convened to discuss the very important matter of our nation's failing school system, particularly the worst school in the country--knob haven high.
As we know, children, as well as robots and clones, are our future-- Sue: Ok, I'm gonna stop this esteemed wind bag right here.
There's a very simple reason why knob haven is the worst school in the nation, and it's not me.
You see, the members of my faculty-- [subway noise.]
Boy, that underground railroad really moves.
Whew! Being a slave is serious exercise.
I mean, I'm sore, but a good sore, you know? Like when you haven't been to the gym in forever and then you go? That is slavery in a nutshell.
[all gasp.]
I'm sorry.
My hearing is poor from taking a high-powered hose to the eardrum in the sixties.
Did you just equate slavery to going to the gym? Uh, those are two of my teachers and, yes, they just did, which brings me to my point.
The teachers-- Helen: Don't listen to anything Sue says! She's running the school into the ground! Just ignore these people, and I will continue to tell you the real problem with knob haven.
It's the-- [whistle blows.]
Time-out! There are no time-outs in the senate! Someone better give me some answers or principal Sezno is in big trouble! Ok, everyone.
I've got a plan.
Huddle up.
I will listen in, but I will not huddle.
I learned something today: The only thing more powerful than the truth is a lie you can tell with a friend.
And if enough of your friends lie, then that lie becomes the truth.
So come on.
Let's lie our asses off to these noble senators.
Senators, the real reason knob haven high school underperforms so badly is because of-- ghosts.
That's what you want to go with? Norkin: Let me get this right.
The reason our nation's schools test so poorly is g-g-ghosts? Sue: Yes, your honorable senator.
It is most certainly not because our teachers are a pack of dummies.
It's because of ghosts.
Well, if these ghosts are anything like the ghosts in movies, then how could anyone teach, let alone learn? Why, with all the goo and the wobbly titterings? Senator norkin, how much is currently being budgeted for busting of ghosts? I believe none, senator young.
Well, I move that educational funding be taken from books and computers and be re-allocated to ghost-busting.
And we'll name it after that blonde gal with the boobies and the mouth and such.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, I'm going to be going to hell.
Happy, we may not survive.
There go our plans of opening up a shoe-tying service together.
It was sound logical plan, my friend.
Maybe this is just the backed-up urine talking, but I love you, man.
[Pop.]
Oh Oh Good lying back there, Ennis, but that's always been your strength.
But what's this odd feeling? The only emotions I know are tired, horny, super-bold, guilt about lying to my father-- oh, you know what? It's that one.
[Alarm blaring.]
There's some sort of terrorist attack on D.
C.
This is my chance to prove to my dad that I really can be brave.
You really want to go from zero to terrorist attack? Come on.
Miss kosher dill said one of her turn-ons was heroes, and I want a piece of that pickle.
Dad! The terrorists are coming! Let's be brave and kick their asses together.
Terrorists? Stuart: Oof! I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to pee, I got to Got to pee, got to pee Are you nuts, man? Oh, those guys would maul you! Do what you were trained to do, soldier.
Go limp! Roll around in some dirt! Cover your sand, man! Oh, the old [Bleep.]
'S right, man! He knows how to stay alive! What's going on, dad? You have a comfort kitty just like I do.
Well, yeah.
I've had him since the fall of Saigon.
Right, when you were fighting those pesky non-Americans.
No, son.
It's about time you learned what your father really does for a living.
Wait.
Salty treats? Snow globes? That's right, Ennis.
I run the Pentagon gift shop.
So you're not a war hero? In my flashback, the heat-sensitive cargo was really just chocolate bars? So you're a-- I'm a coward.
That's right.
I entered the gift and sundries division of the armed services because I was afraid of getting blown up on a battlefield.
I'm a coward, too.
Don't you see? We're both cowards.
This is great, dad! No, it's not, son.
I'm worthless.
Worthless? You're the soldier who supplies sugary treats to the most important people in the world-- Americans.
And you're brave for taking on the worst profession of all-- teaching America's horrible children.
[honk honk.]
Hofftard! Get on the damn bus! Well, I guess this is good-bye.
I love ya, coward.
You, too, mega-coward.
Hey, that sounds pretty cool.
Both: Fang pao!