So Weird (1999) s01e08 Episode Script

1 DEMONS COME FROM EVERY SIDE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT OUT OF THE SHADOWS OF MY LIFE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT SURRENDER WILL WIN THE FIGHT THIS GIRL'S WALKED ON FIRE AND ICE BUT I COME OU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PARADISE PARADISE ALL THROUGH HISTORY, PEOPLE HAVE CLAIMED TO HAVE SUPERNATURAL POWERS.
WITCHES CASTING SPELLS, SORCERERS CONJURING UP CREATURES.
WERE THEY ALL FAKERS, OR WERE SOME OF THEM THE REAL DEAL? AND IF THEY REALLY WERE TAPPING INTO SOMETHING, WHAT WAS IT? I MEAN, WE USE THE WORD "MAGIC," BUT WHAT IS MAGIC? IS IT JUST SOME FORCE, LIKE ELECTRICITY, THAT MAKES THINGS HAPPEN? OR IS IT SOMETHING ELSE, SOMETHING ALIVE, SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HAVE A MIND OF ITS OWN? OKAY, I'M GOING TO GO TO THE CLUB AND MAKE SURE THE AMPS ARE UP TO SPEC.
I'LL PICK YOU GUYS UP BEFORE THE SOUND CHECK.
NOW, YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND ME TAKING A FEW HOURS OFF? I NEVER GET TO BOSS AROUND ROADIES.
IT'LL BE GOOD FOR MY EGO.
SEE YA, IRENE.
DRIVE SAFELY.
'BYE, HONEY.
COME ON, GUYS, 10 MINUTES TILL CURTAIN.
LET'S GO FIND MELINDA.
EXCUSE ME, I'M LOOKING FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW, MELINDA CAMPBELL? DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE DRESSING ROOMS ARE? I GUESS YOU'RE REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.
DUDE, STELLAR OUTFIT.
DAD, I GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU.
THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WAY TO GO WITH TEACHING US CULTURE AND STUFF.
SEEING MacBETH PERFORMED LIVE IS GOING TO BE WAY BETTER THAN READING IT, YOU KNOW? ACTUALLY, IT'S A DRESS REHEARSAL.
THE PERFORMANCE IS TONIGHT.
AND YOU DID READ IT, RIGHT? OH, TOTALLY.
I READ IT FROM COVER TO COVER.
THE COVERS WERE ALL YOU READ.
SHUT UP, JACK.
CLU, MacBETH IS, LIKE, ONE OF THE COOLES SHAKESPEARE PLAYS.
THEY SAY IT'S CURSED, AND ALL KINDS OF BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN IF YOU SAY THE NAME OF THE PLAY OUT LOUD.
LIKE YOU JUST DID? SHE'S GOT TO BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT I TOO MUCH, MOM.
WE STAND HERE, AND THEY'LL FIND FI.
WHO WILL? M AND M.
M AND M? COME ON, SHE'S HERE! [ TALKING AT THE SAME TIME .]
WAITING ALL DAY, AND MOM SAID YOU WERE COMING I CAN SIT ON THE LEFT, MIRANDA CAN SIT ON THE RIGHT.
UH, HI, MAGGIE.
HI, MIRANDA.
WE JUST SURFED YOUR WEBSITE LIFE IS SO WEIRD.
I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS.
THEY'RE NOT SCARY! THEY JUST WANT HELP! AND ALIENS AREN'T MEAN THEY'RE LOST, LOOKING FOR HOME.
DON'T YOU THINK? I GUESS COME ON, MOM'S WAITING.
YEAH, COME ON.
AUNT MELINDA'S KIDS, THE TWIN TORNADOS.
THEY LIKE FI.
GUESS SO.
MOM! MOM! SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE! MOLLY! OH, SWEETIE, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
FI, I KNEW THE GIRLS WOULD FIND YOU.
YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
OH, MY GOSH.
OH, JACK GIVE AN OLD WITCH A HUG, YOU HANDSOME DEVIL.
HI, AUNT MELINDA.
THIS IS NED BELL, AND HIS SON, CLU.
IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
HEY, YOU ROADIED FOR MOLLY AND RICK BACK IN THE PHILLIPS-KANE BAND DAYS, RIGHT? MY WIFE AND I, WE'RE LIKE BARNACLES.
WE ATTACH OURSELVES TO GREAT TALENT.
HEY, YOU'RE ONE OF THE WEIRD SISTERS, RIGHT? I READ THAT ON THE BACK COVER.
I'M THE HEAD WITCH, AND WE'RE GOING ON IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, SO I'VE GOT TO GE ONTO MY BROOMSTICK.
RON IS OUT OF TOWN ON BUSINESS, AND HE IS REALLY SORRY THAT HE MISSED YOU GUYS, BUT THE GIRLS WILL SHOW YOU WHERE TO SIT.
THEY'VE BEEN TO SO MANY DRESS REHEARSALS, THEY'RE PRACTICALLY USHERS.
WE CAN SHOW YOU WHERE THE SEATS ARE, 'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN HERE A MILLION TIMES AND I'M GOING TO SIT ON THE RIGHT ROUND ABOUT THE CAULDRON GO, IN THE POISON'D ENTRAILS THROW.
FILLET OF A FENNY SNAKE IN THE CAULDRON BOIL AND BAKE.
EYE OF NEWT AND TOE OF FROG WOOL OF BAT AND TONGUE OF DOG SEE THAT BOOK MOM'S HOLDING? YEAH, I SAW I EARLIER.
IT'S A REAL BOOK OF MAGIC SPELLS.
MOM TOLD US SO.
HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU GUYS THAT WITCHES RUN IN MY FAMILY? FIONA.
WELL, THAT'S WHA GRAMMA KATHLEEN SAYS.
THE ONLY THING THA RUNS IN OUR FAMILY IS NOSES.
WATCH YOUR MOM.
TOAD THAT UNDER THE COLD STONE DAYS AND NIGHTS HAS 31 SWELTERED VENOM SLEEPING GOT, BOIL THOU FIRS I' TH' CHARMED POT! DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.
FIRE BURN AND CAULDRON BUBBLE.
MELINDA? MELINDA, YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
OH, THANK YOU.
BRAVA.
A TRULY FINE PERFORMANCE.
WELL, I GUESS I'M NATURALLY SPOOKY.
THAT WAS SO COOL.
YOU THINK THEY WERE USING REAL SWORDS? NO, MAN, THEY'RE ALL FAKE.
DAD WORKED ON THE KISS REUNION TOUR.
THEY HAD A BUNCH OF THAT STUFF.
I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THAT GHOST GUY CAME FROM.
YES! HEY, HEY, GUYS.
THIS ISN' A PLAYGROUND HERE.
GINA, GINA COULD YOU TAKE THE BOYS DOWN UNDER THE STAGE? THAT'S WHERE WE DO ALL OF OUR STAGECRAFT.
GINA WILL SHOW YOU SOME TRICKS.
SCORE! ALL RIGHT! HEYCAN I COME TOO? NOW, COME DOWNSTAIRS TO THE DRESSING ROOMS WITH ME AND JUST TELL ME HOW BRILLIANT I WAS.
I DON'T GET ENOUGH OF THA AROUND THE HOUSE, OKAY? AND GIRLS, YOU CAN STAY UP HERE, BUT DO NOT GET UNDERFOOT, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, MOM.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? YOU'RE A WITCH, SO YOU SHOULD WEAR WITCH STUFF.
I WISH WE COULD BE WITCHES, TOO.
BUT WE CAN'T, 'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY COUSINS, AND NOT SISTERS.
YOU KNOW, WITCHCRAFT IS A VERY MYSTERIOUS THING.
IT MIGHT WORK FOR COUSINS, TOO.
YOU THINK? SILLY, SHE KNOWS.
WE COULD BE ALL WITCHES.
WE COULD BE REAL LIVE WEIRD SISTERS.
THANK YOU, FI! THAT'S THE MAGIC BOOK.
IT'S GOT A REALLY NEAT DRAGON ON THE COVER, SEE? AND REAL MAGIC SPELLS INSIDE.
WHERE'D AUNT MELINDA GET THIS THING, ANYWAY? OUT OF OUR ATTIC, I THINK.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS IS GAELIC.
MY GRAMMA KATHLEEN TRIED TO TEACH ME SOME WHEN I WAS IN PHILLY.
TALK ABOU WEIRD SISTERS.
THEY DON'T GET ANY WEIRDER THAN YOU GUYS.
DON'T COME NEAR ME, JACK, OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO A FROG.
OH NO, DON'T DO THAT! DO IT.
DO IT.
CAN YOU? DO YOU THINK? SHOW HIM WHAT A REAL WITCH CAN DO.
ON DOMHENTAL GO OJI AN DOMHENSAL-TA-SI, TARA BAYTE, TARA PHEADA, TARA MHISTEIR, IN ANNUM MUINTIR O'SHANNON.
YOU DID IT.
RIBBIT.
RIBBIT.
CROAK.
YOU DID IT! YOU'RE A REAL WITCH! WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON, YOU GUYS YOU CHANTED THE SPELL.
IT'S NOT A REAL SPELL.
HE TURNED INTO A FROG AND HOPPED OFF! THAT WAS NOT A FROG.
YOU'RE A WITCH! YOU'RE A WITCH! I AM NOT A WITCH.
MAGGIE, MIRANDA, THERE ARE NO SUCH THING AS WITCHES.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? YOU? IF JACK'S NOT A FROG, WHERE IS HE? JACK? JACK! JACK! JACK! LOOK FOR A LILYPAD.
FROGS LIVE ON LILYPADS.
WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT? DID YOU SEE JACK? DID YOU SEE HIM? I THINK I SAW HIS SHADOW.
OKAY, LISTEN, IF WE'RE GOING TO GO FIND JACK, WE'LL NEED TO SPLIT UP, OKAY? YOU GUYS LOOK IN THE DRESSING ROOMS, BUT DON'T TELL ANYBODY WHAT WE SAW, 'CAUSE IF MOM FOUND OU I TURNED JACK INTO A FROG, I'LL BE IN SUCH TROUBLE, OKAY? IT'S A SECRET! I KNEW SOMETHING WEIRD WOULD HAPPEN WHEN YOU CAME.
YAY! OKAY, GO ON.
HURRY, YOU GUYS.
JACK? JACK, WHERE ARE YOU? JACK? JACK? JACK, I KNOW IT'S NOT YOU BUT IF IT IS YOU, I DON'T KNOW, CHIRP OR SOMETHING.
JACK? PLEASE, I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS.
I DIDN'T DO THIS.
BUT IF I DID, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
NOW, JUST PLEASE COME BACK, PLEASE? IT'S OKAY.
NED.
OH, BABY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT WAS MY FAULT, FI.
I WAS TELLING THE BOYS ABOUT TRAP DOORS AND FLASHPOTS LIKE WHEN BANQUO'S GHOS DISAPPEARED IN THE PLAY.
JACK SAID HE WAS JUS GOING TO SHOW YOU.
OKAY, YOU SEE HERE? WHEN I OPEN THE TRAP DOOR, THAT TRIGGERS THE FLASHPOT.
WHEN I HEARD THEY WERE TRYING TO TRICK YOU, I CAME LOOKING FOR YOU.
HEY, GUYS NOT COOL.
SORRY.
I'M GOING DOWNSTAIRS.
PLEASE, STAY OFF THE CATWALKS.
THANKS, MR.
B.
OH, REAL FUNNY, JACK.
I ALMOST BROKE MY NECK LOOKING FOR YOU.
AND I WASN'T FOOLED BY THA BIRD-MONSTER THING.
BIRD-MONSTER THING? COOL! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OH, ACT LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
IT WON'T TAKE MUCH TALENT.
SO YOU TURNED JACK BACK FROM BEING A FROG? IT WASN'T A FROG.
IT WAS A DRAGON-THING.
AND IT WASN'T JACK.
WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE? YOU MADE IT WITH A SPELL? I DON'T KNOW.
OH, HEY, I'M SORRY, GUYS.
IT CAME OUT OF THE BOOK.
THESE THINGS ARE MADE OF PLASTIC.
TOLD YOU, MAN.
HEY, FI SEEMED KIND OF LIKE SHE WAS MAD AT YOU.
COMES WITH THE TERRITORY.
WHEN YOU'RE A BIG BROTHER, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, MAN.
I MEAN, CAREY IS MY BIG BROTHER, AND HE'S THE COOLEST.
SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? OF COURSE NOT, SIR JACK.
EXCEPT FOR THE FAC THAT YOU'RE EVIL.
YOU INSULT ME, SCOUNDREL.
WELL, THEN, I SUPPOSE WE SHALL FIGHT ABOUT IT.
YOU'LL EAT THOSE WORDS.
I'LL EAT VEGETABLES FIRST.
WE HAVE TO GET THIS DRAGON-THING BACK IN THE BOOK BEFORE EVERYBODY SHOWS UP FOR THE PERFORMANCE, OKAY? OKAY, SHH.
IS THAT IT? I'LL FIND OUT.
NO, IT COULD BITE.
IT COULD BREATHE FIRE.
WOW, IT COULD.
WHAT IF IT TRIES TO SCORCH US? UH, THE SCENERY'S FIREPROOFED.
MAYBE WE COULD USE THIS AS A NET.
HERE, LITTLE DRAGON-THING BE A GOOD, UH, MYTHICAL CREATURE, AND GET BACK IN THE BOOK.
WHERE DID IT GO? THERE, IN THE CORNER.
MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MAGIC BOOK.
RIGHT, LIKE A COUNTERSPELL.
IT'S ALL IN THA FUNNY LANGUAGE.
"STRANGELING.
" READ IT AGAIN.
MAYBE THAT WILL UNDO THE SPELL.
OR BRING ANOTHER ONE, WITH OUR LUCK.
WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO? WAIT HERE.
ON DOMHENTAL GO OJI AN DOMHENSAL-TA-SI, TARA BAYTE, TARA PHEADA, TARA MHISTEIR, IN ANNUM MUINTIR O'SHANNON.
IT'S GETTING BIGGER.
DO WE LOOK LIKE DINNER? IT'S FI, FI, FI, FI, FI, FI, FI.
SHE'S ALL THEY'VE BEEN TALKING ABOU FOR TWO WEEKS NOW.
AND I'M GUESSING THAT'D BE A LO OF TALKING, HUH? WELL, THE ONLY BREAK I GE IS WHEN THEY'RE SURFING THAT WEBSITE OF HERS.
WELL, I DO HOPE THAT YOU LIKE THEM, MOLLY, BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO BE LIVING WITH YOU AS SOON AS THEY SAVE UP ENOUGH BUS FARE.
WE CAN ALWAYS USE A COUPLE OF TINY LITTLE ROADIES.
IT'S FUNNY THAT FI IS INTO ALL THAT WEIRD STUFF.
YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER? WHAT HO, KNAVE? THAT'S MR.
KNAVE TO YOU! YOU DARE TO CHALLENGE ME, VARLET? HEY, HEY, WHOA, GUYS, GUYS.
THIS IS A NO-JOUSTING ZONE, OKAY? OH.
ONWARD! OUT, OUT, DARN SPOT! OKAY, MAGGIE, MIRANDA, WHEN I TELL YOU GUYS, I WANT YOU TO RUN OUT THE DOOR.
BUT FI MIRANDA, SHE'S THE WITCH.
SHE KNOWS HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
WHEN I COUNT THREE.
ONE TWO THREE.
YOU GUYS, SHUT THE DOOR, SHUT THE DOOR.
THIS CASTLE ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US.
TAKE THAT, YOU VARMINT! FI'S IN THE SCENE SHOP AND SHE'S FIGHTING A DRAGON AND YOU HAVE TO GO SAVE HER.
HURRY.
HURRY.
HEY, WE DO DRAGONS.
WE'RE NOT KIDDING, JACK! IT'S A REAL DRAGON WITH WINGS AND BIG SCARY TEETH.
I'LL GO RESCUE THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.
YOU STAY HERE AND WATCH MY COUSINS WHILE I SALLY FORTH INTO THE FRAY.
RIGHT.
IT IS A FAR BETTER THING YOU DO THAN THAN YOU USUALLY DO.
BE CAREFUL, JACK, REALLY.
NO SWEAT.
I MEAN, EN GARDE.
SIR JACK, GOOD LUCK.
LISTEN, STRANGELING, I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU DON'T WAN TO STAY IN THIS WORLD.
I MEAN, IT'S NOISY.
YOU'LL GET HIT BY HELICOPTERS WHEN YOU TRY TO FLY.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO EAT? KIDS THESE DAYS, WE'RE FULL OF JUNK FOOD.
SO WE WON'T EVEN TASTE GOOD.
IT'S THE BOOK.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT? YOU DON'T WAN TO GET NEAR THE BOOK.
WHAT HO, SIS? I HEAR YOU'RE IN DISTRESS.
JACK, WATCH OUT! HEY, WATCH IT! WHAT WAS THAT? THAT WASN'T ME, JACK.
OH, RIGHT IT WAS THE DRAGON.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT'S DANGEROUS.
COULD YOU GE SOME LIGHTS DOWN HERE, PLEASE? UH, YEAH, MAN, I'M ON IT.
DON'T WORRY, GIRLS.
I RUN THE FOLLOW-SPO WHENEVER MY DAD GETS THE FLU.
OKAY.
LIGHTS UP, JACK.
MAN, HOW CAN ANYBODY SEE WITH THOSE ON? JACK WE NEED TO GET SOME HELP.
FEAR NOT, MY ANNOYING SIBLING.
I HAVE COME TO RESCUE THOU, OR WHATEVER.
WHAT WAS THAT? IS THERE A CAT IN HERE? IT'S AFRAID OF YOU.
IT THINKS YOU'RE A REAL KNIGHT.
I'M AS REAL AS YOUR DRAGON.
YAY, SIR JACK! FIGHT THE DRAGON.
COUSIN JACK, IT'S AFRAID OF YOU.
OKAY, SIS, LET'S SLAY THIS SUCKER AND GO GET SOME DINNER.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT? JACK, GO RIGHT! RIGHT, JACK.
NO.
JACK, GO TO YOUR OTHER RIGHT.
GO RIGHT NOW, GO.
GO RIGHT, HURRY, HURRY.
LEFT NOW.
NO, YOUR OTHER LEFT! GO STRAIGHT.
CHARGE, JACK! CHARGE! JACK, SWING YOUR SWORD! SWING IT.
THOSE WERE SOME GOOD DRAGON NOISES, SIS.
THAT WAS SOME PRETTY GOOD SWORDPLAY.
THANKS FOR THE RESCUE, BRO.
HE DID IT! HE SLAYED THE DRAGON.
HE WAS SO BRAVE.
WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? YOU GUYS HAVEN'T BEEN PLAYING WITH THE SOUND BOARD, HAVE YOU? IT WAS THE DRAGON.
FI SAID A SPELL FROM THE MAGIC BOOK, AND THE DRAGON CAME OUT OF THE COVER.
YOU MEAN THIS THING? BUT IT'S TRUE.
IT WAS OUT, AND NOW IT'S BACK IN.
IN A DARK THEATER, EVERYTHING SEEMS REAL.
THAT'S WHAT'S SO WONDERFUL ABOUT IT.
AUNT MELINDA, WHERE DID THIS THING COME FROM? THAT? YOUR DAD DROPPED IT OFF AT OUR HOUSE YEARS AGO.
IT'S A BEAUTY, ISN'T IT? I COULD USE SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE PLAY.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IT? UH, YEAH.
IRENE'S GOING TO BE PICKING US UP SOON.
WHAT ABOUT DINNER? SIESTA TACO! EVERYWHERE WE GO.
I'LL SHOW YOU KNIGHTS WHERE TO HANG YOUR ARMOR.
HEY, MOM? YEAH, BABY? WHAT WAS GRAMMA KATHLEEN'S MAIDEN NAME? O'SHANNON.
WHY? OHNO REASON.