Solar Opposites (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

You are no longer
Abraham Lincoln, US president.
You are now Abraham Lincoln,
car fighter.
Fuck yes.
Okay, let's go.
- Terry!
- Can't talk, working out.
This is important.
The-the-the Pupa turned orange.
And?
Hey, you broke my Hulu Vizu!
The Pupa is not supposed to be orange.
It's Pantone 101-C.
- What does it mean?
- How the hell am I supposed to know?
Because it's your job, Terry.
I fix the ship, you take care of the Pupa.
Right, yes, that is my job.
Fair.
Once this thing evolves into
its ultimate form,
it'll consume everything on this planet
and terraform it
to become our new home world.
- Duh.
- Which means we'll get eaten
and terraformed with everything else,
I think.
What if it turning orange is
the first step to total annihilation?
Wait, I-I-I think it feels hot.
Is that important?
No, it's always hot.
Luckily, I'm a genius
and suspected you were incapable
of handling this
so I made a little card
with important Pupa information on it.
I have it in my wallet.
Just gotta find it.
Damn it, where did I put my
when was the last time I needed
Shlorpian money to pay for something?
Wa-wa-wa-was it at that Armenian deli?
Whoa, it was on Shlorp!
But the home world blew up
in the opening credits.
Which leaves us no choice.
I must use the Retrace-Your-Stepalizer
device to travel back in time,
return to the home world,
and find my wallet.
Eh, I'm gonna pass.
That sounds like a lot of work
and the Pupa's never killed everybody
on Earth before, so
- Oh, it's gonna blow!
- Ah!
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already over-populated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa.
- Do you see me?
- This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid.
Where the fuck are all the dinosaurs?
What did they do to all the dinosaurs?
So, uh, where's the
retruce-von-something geyser?
Does it look like a spaceship
with a big clock on the back?
The Retrace-Your-Stepalizer.
It's high-tech shoes
that allow the wearer to travel
back in time
to places they've stood in the past.
These things cost $11 billion a shoe.
- Do they light up?
- Mine do.
- Oh, why do you get the cool ones?
- Because I'm in charge.
The Retrace-Your-Stepalizer
has a specific set of instructions.
Failure to comply could result
in catastrophic outcomes
for the space-time continuum.
Do you understand, Terry?
- Shoes with rules. Got it.
- Rule number one.
While using the Retrace-Your-Stepalizers,
no one in the past
will be able to see or hear us.
Two, we can only stay in the past
for eight hours or we'll turn into slime.
Three, we can't learn anything new
Note to self, the pretzel bite
is the most underrated appetizer.
Someone should say something
to whoever is making those menus.
Those pesky menus.
Some of them are too long.
Too many items.
That's why I don't eat Chinese.
- No other reason
- Are you listening to me?
Yeah, yeah, slime, keep going.
Jesse, ugh, you left the
Pretend-O-Deck open again.
Welcome back to the
Pretend-O-Deck, Yumyulack.
Hey, Aisha, play the last program
that Jesse was running.
Well, that's an invasion
of her privacy, don't you think?
Yeah, that's why it's gonna be awesome.
Override protocol.
Password: Panera Bread
with 3's for the E's.
Override accepted.
Resuming last program, you little creep.
Hello, Jesse, I'm Funyulack.
Want to continue our awesome
makeover montage?
We left off on a cowboy outfit.
What the hell is this?
What are you supposed to be?
I'm Funyulack.
I'm exactly like you,
but funner and nicer and I know
how to braid and bake bread.
Jesse's got a nicer me in here?
That's impossible.
Every time I walk into a room,
someone says, "Oh, great."
Well, Jesse thinks you're a dick.
She said one time
He tried to trade me
to a witch for a PS4.
Yeah, but she wouldn't take the deal.
You can't complain about almost
being traded to a witch.
He makes fun
of the way I walk and breathe.
Come on.
Have you ever watched her walk?
It's all clop, clop, clop, gasp, gasp.
I like the way she walks.
Shoot me.
- I think it's elegant.
- Then why don't you two get married?
- I wish.
- Gross!
This is messed up.
I'm super nice.
I guess I'll have to force Jesse
to like me
with Craig T. and Nelson.
Rule 58, don't fall in love with
anyone in the past
or we'll turn into slime.
Are you sleeping?
Uh, don't touch anything
or we turn into slime.
I wish I could touch stuff in the past,
but it-it doesn't work like that.
- It's more like we're ghosts.
- Uh, well then,
how are we getting your wallet?
We'll have to use
the Retouch-Your-Stuff-Alizer.
Wow, that came from the homeworld?
Uh, kind of just looks like
a stick with a spork.
You know, you're supposed to get
a license to use one of these,
but that office blew up,
so we should be fine.
And now, it's time to retrace our steps.
Beautiful Shlorp.
Oh, how I've missed this wonderful
strict totalitarian place.
A lot smaller than I remember.
Ah, I never thought I'd see
my old quarters again.
Oh, God, I made love to
a lot of equations in here.
Oh, you fucked math?
Rad.
It's young you.
Damn, girl, you used to be way skinnier.
Oh, seriously, stand next to yourself.
See the difference.
You have let yourself go!
Look, you left the wallet on the table.
Oh, that's perfect, Terry.
I will now use the stick
to hit the wallet into our ship
at the space port.
It should then be in the ship
when we return to the present.
Are you missing on purpose
just to make me giggle?
- Stop watching me.
- It's working.
Don't watch me do this.
Oh, hello, little one.
Would you like a stale cookie
from a rusty tin?
Where am I?
Are we dead?
- Good afternoon, Lorraine.
- Ah!
I know that you've lost
many things over the years.
Your children moved away.
Your husband is gone.
Even your friends have died.
All you have left are your memories.
This is your chance, Lorraine.
I can access your mind and show you
anything you've ever seen.
Is there something you've lost
that you can't remember
which I can give you?
I can't remember the face of my mother.
I just wish I could see her one last time.
Everyone is so relaxed
even though they're about to explode.
Truly the mark of an advanced society.
Except for the panic zones.
I have resigned myself to death,
although I will miss my friends
and family when I'm gone.
Oof, that guy's embarrassing himself.
Hey, we're almost at the space port.
We just need to smack this bad boy
into the hatch and we'll be done.
You got this, boy!
Damn it!
Hey, mission accomplished.
Now let's get back.
I gotta watch some more Hulu Vizu.
- Finally, some answers about the Pupa.
- All right,
If your Pupa turns orange,
it means it ate something orange.
Well, I did feed it a bag
of Doritos Cheetos party blast.
You know, the same stuff that turned
me orange when I ate it last year.
This is a relief. We aren't going
to get consumed by the Pupa,
at least not today, and we changed
the past without creating
a single unintended butterfly effect.
So we really slam dunked it.
- Look at us, we're ballers.
- We are ballers, ho ho.
Hey, futtbuckers!
Ha ha!
We're outta Stella.
Is somebody gonna go, uh, replenish?
Wait, what?
Who the fuck are you?
Holy shit, there's an alien
in our house!
Quit jerking around.
You two have chores to do.
Help me organize all my vests
and fingerless gloves.
I thought you said
everyone got exploded.
Who are you and what are you
doing in our house?
What are you talking about?
I'm Vanbo.
We escaped Shlorp together, remember?
Vanbo?
Am I saying that right? Vanbo?
- Eeesh.
- Whoa, Korvo!
You really put on the pounds, pal.
You're lookin' like a blue Shrek.
Where's your donkey at,
blue Shrek?
Oh, and Terry, I broke your PS4 because
I tried to cook a little pizza in it.
Hey, I just got that from a witch.
You son of a aah!
Okay, what the shit is going on?
We must have inadvertently
changed something in the past,
resulting in us now being in
a dark, deviant time stream.
One of the results being that Vanbo
apparently joined us on our mission
and has been living with us
this whole time.
Hey, man, I-I-I can't live
with a dude this basic.
I bet he has a true crime podcast.
Like he does one.
Listening, cool.
Doing one, yee-hee.
We have to go back to the past
and undo the wallet change,
which should return us to
the correct time stream.
And that'll get rid of Vanbo?
In the previous time stream,
Vanbo surely died on Shlorp.
So yes, but this isn't about Vanbo.
This is about fixing the time stream.
Yeah, yeah, the time stream
is the priority,
but you're sure Vanbo will die?
Yes, his body will be vaporized
by the asteroid.
- We're-we're heroes.
- Terry, get in the kitchen
and make me a lean pork sandwich!
Quick, come on, go, let's go.
There's our stick.
Now all we have to do
is hit the wallet back out.
That should undo
the changes to the time stream.
- We're heroes.
- Total heroes.
So, Jesse, tell me about
your day, or something?
- Really?
- Mm, yes.
- Well, I found out Lawrence started
- Who cares?
Jeez Louise, are you on
your zeriod or something?
Yeah, but it has nothing to do with it.
I just want you to like me
without earning it.
I want unconditional like.
Wait, you care if I like you?
That is so sweet.
No, I just, I just, I don't want
to worry about you
zapping me in the back with a crazy
sci-fi gun when I piss you off.
What are you even talking about?
Ah, I don't know!
Fuck you!
Uh, phone call for drama queen!
Vanbo?
Is there anyone named Vanbo here?
- Looking for a Vanbo.
- What? No.
- Yes, yes, yes, all right.
- Yeah! Yeah-yee!
He's out running an errand.
Hey-o, Vanbo's back!
Great news.
I traded the gold-making machine
for these expensive rats.
See?
They love you already.
Check it out.
Give 'em a little kiss.
Fuck you.
We can't go back to the present
until we figure out
how the hell Vanbo keeps surviving
planetary destruction.
I, I don't even remember
living with the guy.
Man, who thought time travel
would be so convoluted?
Time travel should be clear and linear.
This isn't my fault.
Well, it's not my fault.
Oh, look, hey, it's the past us
meeting for the first time.
Aw, look at that.
I am pleased to embark
on this mission with you.
I assume you love science
and worship at the altar of logic.
Hell yeah.
Science rules.
I love that stuff and I'm a Pupa expert.
I know everything about the Pupa.
Terry, you follow past me,
and I will follow past you.
No, I wanna follow past me.
Terry, since neither of us remember
meeting Vanbo,
we must both be outside observers
for the other.
- I will see you at the space port.
- All right, sounds good.
I'm young again.
Honey, can you help me unload
these groceries from the Piggly Wiggly?
Mama, you're so beautiful.
Aw, that's a nice thing to say.
I've missed you so much.
Come, run with me.
Oh, my sweet mother.
Now that I remember her face,
I'll be able to find her
when I'm in heaven.
I can die now knowing
that everything will be okay.
Oh, thank you.
There has to be some way
I can repay you for this.
In my kitchen, there's a cabinet
with a child-proof lock.
Inside are two AA batteries
and a Harry Potter whistle.
Get them for me.
- You want batteries?
- And a Harry Potter whistle.
Oh, man, you were right.
I'm not nice.
This sucks.
I thought I was great.
Yumyulack, my friend,
recognizing you suck
is the first step towards de-suckifying.
Okay, fuckface, tell me how to be nice
to Jesse and do it yesterday.
Well, we usually just hang out
at her favorite place.
Oh, my God, this is so dumb.
Welcome to the
Pasteur Pasteurized Yogurt Parlor,
the world's first Louis Pasteur-themed
yogurt shop.
Sup, Todd?
You flash heating that milk
so it's safe to drink, yo?
That's what pasteurization is, my man.
This is so rich.
Jesse is such a loser.
- Shut your fucking mouth!
- A-ha!
That's something I would say.
You are like me.
I am not.
Now, I'm gonna show you how to be nice.
Aisha, give us a little Jesse
hologram up in this business.
Okay.
Hey, Jesse.
You smell great today.
Why don't we all sample
some flavors together?
Thanks, best friend.
- I wanna try Measles Inoculation Pineapple.
- Die! Me first!
Freeze program.
Yum, baby, you are so not money right now.
Do you really think it was nice
telling her to die?
- Yes.
- No, it was mean.
- Hey, you tricked me!
- Okay, let's go back to the basics.
Just try smiling at her.
Oh, this is gonna be a long night.
We better put on a pot of hologram coffee.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, soil, the womb in which we grow.
Your secrets never cease to delight me.
Oof, what a dork.
Work relaxation period commencing.
Work colleagues, I just met
my assigned Pupa specialist,
- and he is
- Handsome, he's gonna say handsome.
An idiot.
Just look at that stupid face.
He probably doesn't even know
his florvox array
from his gortrino phase oscillatorr.
Un-believ-able.
Place your Pupa in a one-centimeter-deep
pool of pigment
and let it ink itself for three hours.
What up, Teri?
I missed you, babe.
Missed you, little boo-boo.
You're my boo-boo girl.
Good grief, that smokeshow
is Terry's life mate?
And its name is also Teri?
How has he never mentioned this?
Oh, man, I just met my
evacuation partner.
Total derf.
Sucks that I can't take you
instead of his boring, flat ass.
Number 31827, be quiet!
Also, button your top button.
But I look way cooler this way.
Conformity is cool!
Conformity is cool,
conformity is cool,
conformity is cool.
Yes, Jesse,
your choice of vanilla is fine
and not for babies.
No, you can't wait, you did it.
Aisha, analyze malice.
No malice detected.
- I did it.
- Congratulations, Yumyulack.
For all your hard work,
I'd like to reward you
with this sticker
of your favorite Avenger.
Ooh, hell yeah!
Hawkeye!
He's got a quiver.
His real name is Clint.
Whoo, my superpower is aim.
Aim at you, aim at you.
- You're gonna sleep like a log tonight.
- Aim at you, aim at you
Oh, ew.
When's the last time
you cleaned out the Wall?
It's been getting super gross in there
ever since they invented religion.
Jesse, hello.
I wanted to greet you
and tell you that your bow looks nice.
It wait, is this a trap?
Because you have to tell me
if it's a trap.
- I came in here to compliment you.
- You did?
Yes, and I did it.
Gotta go before I mess it up.
You look great, bye!
- You son of a bitch.
- Oh, yeah, well guess what?
- You suck.
- You wanted to bring
your stupid life mate to Earth, huh?
You-you think Teri with an "I"
is better than me?
You think I have a stupid face
and that I don't know
what I'm doing with the Pupa.
You don't!
Well, I did it.
I was nice to Jesse.
I'm the nicest motherfucker
you've ever met.
- This is wonderful.
- Thank you so, so much
for spending all that time
making me a better alien.
And now that I'm nice,
I can delete your ass.
- Hey, deleting someone isn't nice.
- Yeah, I know.
But I never want Jesse to find out that
I needed training wheels for this stuff.
So you gotta get trashed.
Well, it was a pleasure teaching you.
You know, I actually learned something
from you, too.
- Oh, yeah, what was that?
- How to be a dick!
Eat my finger!
Oh, my God! What the heck?
Jesse's finally getting the brother
she deserves.
All right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
Enough, we're done.
The partnership is over.
- Agreed.
- When we get back to our time,
I'm packing up and moving to San Diego.
I'll rent a condo in the Gaslamp
and eat fish tacos every day
- and never think of you.
- The sooner the better.
You and I have never done
anything good together.
Oh, wow, look how cute the replicants are.
Oh, they really are.
We're all cute.
Would you look at us?
Two regular aliens with their replicants
thinking that they're gonna
go out into space
and terraform a rogue moon or something.
We had no idea what we were in for.
You know, Terry, we spent so much time
on Earth pretending to be a family,
I didn't even notice when
we actually became one.
Yeah, I think we sealed the deal on that
when we all saw
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.
You remember?
Tom Cruise? TC?
Terry, I think you're right.
We all really liked that movie.
Together.
Hey, remember when
we made a real Funbucket
and it went crazy and attacked the town?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that was awesome.
Hey, how about when we built
the "manc ave"?
You had to bury the cuck robot
in the backyard.
He loved it.
Or remember that day
when everything was a musical?
Yeah, or what about when we
teamed up with the Simpsons
for a game against the Monstars
from Space Jam?
You know, we may not have
chosen each other, Terry,
but we've built a good life.
- I don't want to throw that away.
- Neither do I, Korvo.
- Holy shit!
- Hey.
Did you peep that photo
of my mound I sent you?
Pretty tight, right?
What do you mean you hated it?
You don't want a photo
of my tiny, hairless mound?
Didn't you see the crust?
There's Vanbo!
What-what-what do we do?
This is our chance to set things right.
Hit him with the time stick!
- The what now?
- The Retouch-Your-Stuff-Alizer.
Oh, duh, yeah, right.
Huh?
Stop it!
Wait, this is where you wanna take me?
I thought you said frozen yogurt
was ice cream for narcs.
Ooh, it is, but now I'm nice to you,
which means eating
disgusting cold slime
even if it tastes like dust.
Are you feeling okay, Yumyulack?
Oh, yeah, please,
go ahead of me in line.
I would be happy to hold your purse
while you sample some flavors.
- You're offering to hold my purse?
- Correct.
- While I go first?
- Of course.
Well, okay, that sounds great.
Let me just, uh, here,
it's in here
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?
Don't worry, that's not my brother.
It's a Pretend-O-Deck simulation
that's transferred his consciousness
to a 3D printed body
and is trying to take his place.
Jesse, why?
I was nice.
I'm calling the police.
Don't move.
You turned him into
a Game Boy cartridge.
- Just forget what you saw here, sir.
- I can't!
It's so specific!
Uh, please wake up.
I'm so sorry I created Funyulack.
You can be kind of a jerk sometimes
but you're my brother and I love you.
- Mwah. Bleh.
- Hi, Jesse.
Would you like to continue our discussion
of who is hotter, Peeta or Gale?
Or we could play Mall Madness
and practice our dance moves.
You're not Yumyulack.
You're Funyulack!
Thank you for those sweet, sweet kisses.
Freeze program, freeze program.
Oh, God, no, I killed Yumyulack.
I killed Yumyulack and turned his body
into a Game Boy cartridge!
Just like that fortune cookie
said I would!
Who's a blue Shrek now, bitch?
We gotta get rid of this body, man.
Do you have the thing that turns them
into Game Boy cartridges?
Ah, no, I never bring it
when I end up needing it.
Remember, Terry, we're heroes.
- We did it, Vanbo's gone.
- We repaired the time stream.
Hey, yeah!
This is very good.
- Huh.
- It appears we may have
slightly altered the time stream.
Um, well, it's not so bad.
I mean, I can live with this as long
as Vanbo's not around.
Hello, futtbuckers.
Vanbo?
What are you doing here?
Your ass should be dead as hell!
Should be dead as hell.
But I was rescued
and nursed back to health
by a very special person.
Hey, Terry.
Teri with an "I"?
What the heck are you doing here?
I'm Vanbo's science partner now.
And my name's not Teri
with an "I" anymore.
Mm-mm, it's Vanbi,
also spelled with an "I."
Fuck, that's so cool.
We've been searching the galaxy
for you two.
I know you guys attacked me
with your time stick on Shlorp.
We, uh, we-we don't know
what you're talking about.
I have some important news to tell you.
Shlorp never blew up!
What?
And I've come to take both of you back
so you can be tried
and executed for using
a Retouch-Your-Stuff-Alizer
without a license!
- What?
- Terry, Korvo.
I killed Yumyulack and turned his body
into a Game Boy cartridge.
- He's gone forever.
- What?
Oh, and one more thing.
After we all leave,
I'm gonna blow up
this stupid fucking Earth planet
just because that's how Vanbo do.
This can't be happening!
Why, why is this happening.
Wait!
She's right.
- This can't be happening.
- But it is.
Doesn't it seem like too many
big crazy events all at once?
I mean, that-that's
not how life works, man.
No, no, no.
This doesn't feel real.
Ooh, this guy's lost it.
Everybody gather around.
- Let's watch him shit his pants.
- Don't you see?
The time travelling, dead Yumyulack,
Shlorp didn't explode.
I mean, come on.
That's like it's so much stuff.
Think about it.
That's, like, way too much.
If you had a list, it's too much!
- It is sort of contrived.
- Right?
I mean, how are we sure that
we're not in a The Matrix?
or a Matrix Reloaded?
Because there would be green numbers
floating around
- and leather sunglasses.
- Well, it's gotta be something.
Okay, and I can figure this out.
I mean, we could be in
an eXistenZ-type sitch.
Stop it! Last week, you thought
we were in an eXistenZ
because the drive-thru gave us
an extra order of fries.
We can't be in an eXistenZ
every time you're freaking out.
Oh, really, smart guy?
You're telling me
we have time travelling shoes
that we can use whenever we want?
You're always wanting to know
stuff about the Pupa.
Why haven't you been using
those shoes, man?
Why haven't you been using the shoes?
I-I-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for that.
No, there isn't, okay?
Shut the fuck up.
We've gotta be in some fucked up
Strange Days Altered States Lawnmower Man
Horton Hears a Who thing.
- Maybe we're in a Tron.
- Don't egg him on.
- This isn't a Tron.
- Ooh, maybe we're in a dream.
Now you're talking.
I mean, I-I-I-I bet we're all in some
kind of crazy Dreamscape-style
Inception What Dreams May Come
Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat dream.
That's impossible.
Nobody traps Korvo in a dream.
Whose dream are we in, huh?
Wake up, wake up.
Stop that, cut it out!
- You have to wake up.
- Don't touch me, Vanbo.
- Stop it.
- Wake up.
Wake up, Korvo, come on.
You can do it.
Stop sleeping, Korvo.
Wake up!
- Damn it, wake up.
- I'm trying.
- I'm trying!
- Wake up!
Oh, uh, how long have you guys
been on the Pretend-O-Deck?
Ha, I knew it.
None of that stuff happened.
What the? How does the Pupa
keep getting that Harry Potter whistle?
- I thought we locked it up.
- How does he keep getting that thing?
- Don't everybody look at me.
- You obviously gave it to him.
- I did not.
- Damn it, Terry.
You've gotta stop raising false alarms
about the Pupa.
You're making me gooble.
I'm-I'm gooblering.
Uh, okay, all right.
- Weird, he's never done that before.
- Pupa, stop that.
Do you think we should tell
Terry and Korvo?
No, they're already all wound up.
But what if he evolves
and kills all of us?
Yeah, right.
Like that'll ever happen.
See you next season, everyone.
KORVO
Terry! Terry! Terry
Terry!
Terry!
Terry!
Hulu. Hulu. Hu-lu.