Son of a Critch (2022) s01e08 Episode Script

1
ADULT MARK: For most folks,
Christmas is a time of peace on earth.
At the Critch house,
it was just another excuse to argue.
Loosen up that garland, Mary.
What are you trying to
do, decorate it or hang it?
Ugh! I hate this packin' thing!
Why can't we have a real tree?
- Practically live in the woods.
- Real trees are death traps!
You ever hear of forest fires?
They all begin with real trees.
ADULT MARK: Deck the halls
with boughs of plastic.
Good God! Will somebody
pass me my toolkit?
ADULT MARK: The old man's toolbox:
a cookie tin filled with
some nails, some tape,
a flat head screwdriver, some buttons,
and a rusty hinge.
It was as useless as
the old man himself.
POP: That's crooked. Down
a bit on the left! Down!
- Christ on a cracker!
- [KNOCK AT THE DOOR]
- Who the frig could that be?
- [DOOR CLICKS OPEN]
HIGH VOICE: Any mummers allowed in?
- [EXCITED] Oh, mummers!
- POP: Oh my God! [LAUGHS]
ADULT MARK: Mummering is an
old Newfoundland tradition.
You throw together a costume
from things around the house:
old clothes, a pillowcase for a mask,
and go door-to-door getting
booze from neighbours
who would otherwise never let you in.
[CLAPPING] It's like
Halloween for drunks.
It's all right, don't be frightened.
It's somebody we already know.
We just gotta guess who it is.
But everyone we know is already here.
This is like a home invasion.
There'll be none o' that.
All right, reveal
yourself! Dick, is that you?
What's the matter, Mike?
Don't know your own brother?
- Uncle Brendan!
- [LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
BOTH: [LAUGHING]
Dad has a brother?
ADULT MARK: I had no idea
that I even had an uncle.
While Dad stayed behind
caring for their parents,
Brendan had travelled the world.
POP: Look at you.
ADULT MARK: The very mention
of his name would send Dad
into a tizzy and so His
name was never mentioned.
POP: Have you lost weight
or is it just your brother
that's getting fatter?
BRENDAN: Oh. [LAUGHS]
If I had a woman like
Mary cooking for me,
I'd be fat too, Dad!
Oh, Brendan, you always had
a way with words. [CHUCKLES]
BRENDAN: And little Mike,
who's not so little anymore!
My God, you've grown like a tapeworm.
And this must be uh uh, uh,
the other one!
Mark. I don't believe we've met.
Oh, that's 'cause last time I saw you,
you were just a baby. Go on!
I'm your uncle! Give us a hug. Arrrrgh!
Jeez, Mike, can't believe you
didn't send so much as a picture.
MIKE SR.: Hard to do
without an address, brother.
POP: Yeah, well, he's hard to track down
with all his jet setting.
Where are you these days?
All over the world, Dad.
- Regina, Fort Mac
- POP: Oh!
- Miramichi.
- Oh.
So, you'll just be passing
through then, I take it?
Just a quick stop.
Gotta head downtown now,
see if I can find myself a
Place to crash for the night.
Uh, there's vacancy
at the Skyline Motel.
Uncle Brendan can stay
in my room with me.
Oh! Great! You can tell
me about all the girls
you got on the go, hey? [LAUGHS]
This calls for a toast.
You got any liquor, brother?
Dad only drinks the wine in church.
POP: Mike, there's a bottle
of rum in the trunk in my room.
Go get it.
Not every day I get
to drink with my son.
Ha, ha, ha!
- That garland's a mess.
- POP: Ah!
[GARLAND RUSTLES]
Ah! Perfect!
Why didn't you tell me I had an uncle?
You never missed much, believe me.
MARY: [MUTTERING] Gonna need
more molasses, more ham,
- more margarine, more potatoes
- I wouldn't count on him
sticking around very long, Mary.
POP: What? There's
nothing wrong with family
wanting to be home for Christmas.
I mean, give him a break, b'y.
MIKE SR.: A break?! His
whole life has been a break.
All that man does is take, take, take!
Figure'd I give you your presents now.
No sense trying to hide anything
in a house this small. [CHUCKLES]
[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY,
WRAPPING PAPER CRINKLES]
Mike!
[RUSTLING] Oh!
- Pop.
- Oh, no! Really?
[WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES AND TEARS]
That's a fondue set!
For dipping bread in cheese.
- You mean like fingers?
- [WRAPPING PAPER RIPS]
POP: Oh my! A clock-radio!
Ah, you see, Mike? It's okay for a son
to give his father a
little present now and then.
Yeah, like free room and
board for a couple of decades?
Well, I wouldn't wanna insult you
by offering ya rent, ya stunned ass!
BRENDAN: This is just a
small token of my appreciation
- for letting me stay here.
- Oh
You don't need to appreciate us,
we're your family!
[WRAPPING PAPER TEARS]
- Springsteen's box set?!
- POP: What?
That's too much, now, Brendan.
Well, nothing's too good
for my little roomie.
Now, you didn't think I forgot
about my other nephew, did ya?
♪
- [CLAP, GIGGLES GLEEFULLY]
- [FRUSTRATED EXHALE]
- [PAPER TEARS]
- A switcheroo-bot ?
Is that supposed to
be like a Transformer?
Mark. What do you say to your uncle?
ADULT MARK: I hope you kept the receipt?
[WEAKLY] Thanks.
ADULT MARK: I was loyal to my father.
MARY: [CHUCKLES]
[GASPS] Oh, Brendan.
Oh! It's gorgeous! [GASPS]
BRENDON: [CHUCKLES HAPPILY]
Oh, it must've cost a fortune!
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing
compared to what Mike has for ya.
Oh, we don't bother with
gifts after all these years.
We exchange cards.
I thought you said cards
were more special than gifts.
BRENDAN: You've still got
a lot to learn about women.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Oh, it's it's-it's too much.
- Here, I I can't.
- What?!
For God's sake, keep the coat.
Mike, don't be such a bloody sook.
It's not up to me. It's your gift.
- That's the spirit.
- Well
Maybe just this once? Hmm?
BRENDAN: [CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS APPRECIATIVELY] Oh
POP: That fits like a glove, Mary.
- [LIQUOR POURS]
- Mike! You don't drink.
Maybe just this once.
- BRENDAN: Jesus.
- MARY: Oh! Oh no!
Oh, look!
They left the security tag on it.
Oh, I'll just bring it back to Ayre's.
Don't you worry about that, my dear.
Nothing I can't get
into with a butter knife.
- Ungh!
- [SECURITY TAG CLICKS]
- Huh! [LAUGHS]
- Nothin' to it!
Now how about that drink?
POP: Ah, there you go! [CHUCKLES]
♪
- POP: Ah [CHUCKLES]
- BRENDAN: [GASPS] Oh ho!
- [GLASS THUNKS]
- POP: [LAUGHS]
ADULT MARK: As I drifted off to sleep,
the sound of all the adults
in the house getting tanked
somehow made me feel safer
than I'd ever felt in my life.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
SISTER MARGARET: I know
everyone is excited
- for Santa Claus.
- Am I?
- [GASPS, THEN SIGHS]
- STUDENT: [GASP] Geez!
Hello, Sister.
I was just talking to the
children about Christmas.
And where in the Bible would
I find Santa Claus, Sister?
Children, I want to talk to you
about keeping Christ in Christmas.
[CHALK SCRAPES]
That's Christmas, or
[CHALK TAPS AND SCRAPES]
Christ mass, not Xmas.
When you say "Xmas," you
are crossing out Christ.
[CHALK SCRAPES]
And what is an X but a sideways cross,
or
[CHALK SCRAPES] A crucifix.
STUDENT: [CLEARS THROAT]
Every time you write
Xmas, boys and girls,
you are literally crucifying Jesus.
Ho, ho, hosanna in the highest.
[CHURCH BELL TOLLS]
ADULT MARK: Whatever
happened to Rudolph?
SISTER MARGARET: Well,
that was uh festive.
[CHUCKLES]
Sister Rose has a point
buried in there somewhere.
Christmas is the baby Jesus'
birthday party, not yours.
That is why it is better to give a gift
than to receive one.
So, we are having a hamper drive,
collecting donations of
toys for needy children.
I need some volunteens to help.
Any volunteens?
Oh!
Hate to lose out on a technicality,
but we're not teens.
But we'd love to help.
Ha! What a bunch of elf suck-holes.
SISTER MARGARET: And Fox.
Welcome to the volunteens.
Maybe you'll learn to be
a little more considerate.
STUDENT: [CLEARS THROAT]
[EAST COAST-FLAVOURED
"JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]
MIKE SR.: [GROANING]
Jingle all the way, oh what fun ♪
God, Mike.
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪
You sick?
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
[SHOCKED] Jesus Murphy, no
- You're hungover!
- Yeah, well, so are you!
No, I'm still drunk, it's different.
Why, if I'd known you
were around the sauce,
I woulda dragged you down
to the legion last night!
I DJ-ed their Christmas party
and I did not skimp on the David Bowie.
What a night!
I went home with fifty
dollars and Leanne lush.
[CLACKS TEETH, THEN SUCKS HIS TEETH]
I'm busier than a bayman with
two woodstoves these days,
what with all the
The Christmas parties
and events the station has me doin'.
The money's good, but
the hours are a nightmare.
You know, I could cover some
of those shifts for ya, Dick.
You?
You turn your nose up
at this stuff, Mike.
I need to pick up a little
bit o' extra gift money, okay?
Share the wealth, hey?
It's Christmas after all.
to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪
Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
Well, there is one gig
I'm trying to get out of.
The money's good,
but trust me, you wouldn't want it.
Open sleigh! Yup!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER,
CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
God, that thing's so lame.
RITCHIE: I mean, why ask a tree
what you want for Christmas
when Santa is around the corner?
HAPPY TREE: Good God!
A Barbie dream house?!
That's much too expensive!
When I was your age, you'd
be lucky to get an orange.
Kids these days. Spoiled rotten!
[INSTRUMENTAL "I SAW THREE
SHIPS" PLAYS IN THE MALL]
Dad?
ADULT MARK: While Ritchie
collected the toys,
I was focused on the tree.
Dad? Are you in there?
MIKE SR.: What? Good God, no!
[SIGHS] I can tell it's your voice.
MIKE SR.: No, this is the happy tree.
End of discussion, Mark! Go home!
- How'd you know my name then?
- Dammit!
Why are you inside the happy tree?
I'm trying to earn a
little bit of extra money
for Christmas. Don't tell your mother.
Or your idiot uncle, for God's sake.
You're too old to talk
to the happy tree, doofus.
HAPPY TREE: Uh, hello,
Fox. How's your Christmas?
Shut up, tree! You're you're lame!
Come on.
How'd that tree know my name?
I know, right?
These toys kinda suck.
MARK: Imagine waking up on Christmas day
and this is all you had to play with?
[BEAR TUMBLES]
Ow
[PLASTIC BAG RUSTLES]
What was that for?
Probably saw someone she knows.
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY]
Ya ever see a tape deck in a car before?
No! This is awesome.
- What year is she?
- Agh!
Car is like a man.
Age don't matter as
long as you got spunk.
Besides, this is more than a car.
This is my office, and a hotel room.
You sleep in your car?
Cool! Cool! [AMAZED LAUGH]
Have to when you're an entrepreneur.
Mind you, it's not always
all it's cracked up to be.
- [INHALES, PAPER SIZZLES]
- Yeah.
I can't wait to get outta here.
I've been saving up money for school.
Got about a grand now.
A grand? How?
Two years of mowin'
grass and shovellin'.
I do the station, the car lot,
and uh, old Mrs. Hicks' place.
Well, now, why would you wanna
waste that money on school
when you could be
like me and make money?
All you need is the open road and
A car.
[SIGHS] Yeah.
Nah. Nah, I go for my licence in May,
but I could never afford one.
[SIGHS SYMPATHETICALLY]
You know, maybe
You could buy mine.
I'm thinking of an upgrade anyway.
Here's what we'll do.
You give me whatever you got now,
as a deposit,
and then I'll come back for the rest
once you've got your licence, and
- She's all yours!
- Oh, that would be awesome!
[LAUGHS EXCITEDLY]
[LAUGHTER DIES]
Uh but
I should probably run
it by my dad first.
[LAUGHS DERISIVELY]
Forget it.
Look, kid,
there's two ways to
move through this life.
You can be like your old man,
always afraid to do anything,
[DRAWS SHARPLY ON HIS JOINT]
Or you can be like me.
Do you want a little hoot?
No. No, I don't do that stuff.
- Oh, come on. It's just us
- Yeah, okay.
[EXHALES]
- [DRAWS SHARPLY ON HIS JOINT]
- Easy!
[BLUES MUSIC PLAYS]
[MIKE JR. COUGHS]
MIKE JR.: Woo!
Needing a hamper for two
boys: one four, one six.
Two boys: one four, one six.
ADULT MARK: We assigned
the toys to needy families.
Like Santa, we made a
list and checked it twice.
'Kay, a 17-year-old
boy, 16-year-old boy,
a five-year-old boy
and a 12-year-old girl.
They're gonna clean us out.
The only family I know that big is
- Oh, God.
- [GULPS] It's Fox.
We said the toys were pathetic.
Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus
[CLIPBOARD THUMPS]
FOX: Hey, dicks.
Looks like you're almost
done filling up the barf bags.
Uh if you mean
hampers of amazingness,
then yes!
I can't believe people are
just giving this stuff away!
Uh, in this one, I believe we have
Socks, [CHUCKLES]
a water gun,
[WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES]
Rubik's cube,
and
A switcheroo-bot!
Where'd that come from? Who cares?
[CHUCKLES] It's all gold!
[BOX THUDS LIGHTLY]
That's the best one.
You take it, Fox!
We won't say anything.
Gross! Why would I want
other people's junk?
[PAPER RUSTLES]
[PAPER RUSTLES,
CLIPBOARD CLATTERS LOUDLY]
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Gets underway this weekend.
The parade route will start
at the top of Water Sstreet,
and finish all the way down
at the end of Water Street.
Mike Critch, VOCM News.
That what passes for news
around here these days?
Your brother can make a murder
scene out of jam on toast.
[MOCKING] The victim was covered
in what appeared to be blood.
A knife was found on the scene.
Robbery was the motive. The
suspect needed a little bread.
Mike Critch, VOCM News.
[BOTTLES THUMP]
You know, speaking of Mike,
where's he been goin' at night, Dick?
- How should I know?
- I'm not his babysitter.
Well, I seen you driving him
somewhere after work. Hmm?
He doesn't have a licence.
Trouble in paradise, Mary?
I can guarantee you he hasn't
got someone on the side.
Sure, he can barely
handle you! [CHUCKLES]
[UNAMUSED] Huh.
You know, surely you knows
where you dropped him off to,
huh?
See, it's Christmas Eve-Eve and
Well, I don't know where
my husband is, so
[FRIENDLY CHUCKLE]
You can either finish that beer
and tell me what's goin' on,
or I can break the friggin'
bottle over your greasy head.
It's Christmas in the harbour ♪
ADULT MARK: For some
reason, it was much easier
to talk to my father when he was a tree.
We tried to give her all the best stuff.
I even gave her my switcheroo-bot.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
What did I do wrong, Dad?
Well, there's a difference
between a hand up
and a hand out.
I know what it was like
to grow up with nothin'.
Fox is a very proud person
and you embarrassed her.
That's why the hampers are
supposed to be anonymous.
[SIGHS] I guess I'd better
find her and apologize.
[INSTRUMENTAL OF "SILEN
NIGHT" PLAYS IN THE MALL]
MIKE SR.: Look, I know we
don't have much money either.
I try to do my best. I
hope you know that, but
I love you, son.
Hmm. Feels good to say that out loud.
You know, your Pop never did
tell me that he loved me.
What the frig are you
going on about, Mike?
MIKE SR.: Good God! Mary?!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Pack off and wait your turn, hmm?
The lot o' ya.
Hello, Mr. Tree.
[EYES WHIR]
For Christmas, I would
like my husband to stay home
and stop worrying about
getting me a present
just because his sleeveen
brother stole a coat from Ayre's.
MIKE SR.: I guess I look
pretty foolish now, don't I?
You never looked better.
I'm not that good with words,
and I don't say it enough, but
Oh, come outta there and give me a hug.
- I can't leave my box, Mary.
- The kids'll see me.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh.
Huh.
Excusez-moi.
♪
[DOOR SCRAPES OPEN]
- Oh, turn that thing off.
- [MIC POPS BUT STAYS ON]
Isn't this romantic!
Now, give me that hug.
MIKE SR.: Uh, I can't.
You're gonna have to move
your leg to the right.
MARY: No, I can't. I'm
pinned against the wall.
- [MIC JOSTLES]
- MIKE SR.: Well, turn sideways.
- [EYES WHIR]
- MARY: Oh! I'm stuck.
Ow! You're on my hair, ya arsehole!
MIKE SR.: [GRUMPY] D'oh! Well,
damn it all to hell then!
[ZIPPER ZIPS SHARPLY,
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE QUIETLY]
- POP: Hmm.
- BRENDAN: [SURPRISED CHUCKLE]
Can't get no privacy
in a house this size.
No room for secrets.
Are you going somewhere, b'y?
I got this big thing
coming down the pipe, Dad.
Thing is, I gotta move fast.
Oh. How can you do that?
I heard you sold your car.
Well, I never sold it.
Kid just put down a little deposit.
So you'll be givin' him his money back.
Right now, it's kinda tied
up in this business venture.
You're gonna break the boy's heart.
Can't it wait 'til after Christmas?
Holidays never meant that much to me.
Neither did I.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE QUICKLY]
So long, idiot.
["CHILDREN'S WINTER" BY
THE BARRA MACNEILS PLAYS]
The winter's snow
is a child's delight ♪
As it brightens up
a winter's night ♪
[CHUCKLES]
ADULT MARK: Sometimes the perfect gift
is just telling someone
that you love them.
It's just what I wanted.
[LIGHT KISS]
The smiling faces
watch the ground ♪
[DRAWER SCRAPES CLOSED]
ADULT MARK: And sometimes
it's saying nothing at all.
And through the glass
there comes no sound ♪
As the snowflakes melt upon it ♪
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
Snowman, snow house
hey, play with me ♪
Where's Uncle Brendan?
Oh, he had to, uh, leave
in a bit of a hurry.
He wanted me to give you this.
He decided he couldn't sell the car.
[THE ENVELOPE CRINKLES, CASH RUSTLES]
[BLOWS OUT HIS BREATH, RELIEVED]
- Hmm.
- Thanks, Pop.
ADULT MARK: When it comes down to it,
Christmas is about family.
Sometimes it's the family
you are born into
And sometimes it's
the family you choose.
[ENVELOPE RUSTLES]
I thought a hamper full of toys
would make for a merry Christmas,
but the best gifts
don't come from malls,
they come from the heart.
MARY AND MARK: Mmm
ADULT MARK: I don't remember
many of the presents,
but I remember every
Christmas in our little house.
- Wastin' our good
- Perfectly good bread, wasted.
ADULT MARK: The best gifts
aren't under the tree,
they're the people around it.
- [CHEF'S KISS]
- Oh my God, it's too hot.
- MARY: Hot! [MOUTHFUL] Mm-hmm.
- [DISGUSTED] Mm!
- Woo!
- Really good. [LAUGHS]
MIKE SR.: [DISGUSTED] Oh God
POP: Crusty bread. [LAUGHTER]
ADULT MARK: Like snowflakes,
each Christmas was unique
[LAUGHTER]
and like snowflakes,
each one was gone too soon.
♪
♪
♪
♪