Son of Zorn (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 [chanting.]
Butt! Butt! Butt! [laughs.]
Headbutt Man, you are the man! [exclaims.]
[cheering.]
Hell yeah! I feel amazing! There's nothing literally nothing I can't smash with my head! Oh, hey, Butt, what about a unicorn? Oh, yeah! Let's take this party to the next level! Someone bring me a bucket of tequila and a unicorn! [chuckles.]
- Oh, man.
- LINDA: Listen up, people.
We just closed the Tustin Soccer Land account.
- Tonight we celebrate at Milligan's.
- Oh, hey, Linda, is it cool if I bring my buddy Headbutt Man, Wrecker of Skulls, Smasher of Art, Destroyer of Bars and Restaurants? He's my old war buddy from Zephyria, and he's coming to visit me this weekend.
I mean, he can drink a battlemammoth under the table, and then he headbutts everything.
Oh, that sounds like a terrible idea.
But at Milligan's, I'm not Boss Linda.
I'm Slayer Linda! And Slayer Linda's a little more pro-destruction.
Slayer Linda makes me uncomfortable.
- Yeah, you told HR.
- Oh! [laughs.]
[crowd chanting over phone.]
Check out what Butt did to the world's largest domino display.
[Headbutt Man yells, crash.]
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Yeah! [whoops.]
[laughs.]
Todd, look! [Title music.]
[school bell ringing.]
- Oh, hey, Layla.
- Hey.
- What's up? - Uh, did you hear about - Shannon's party? - Yeah.
I'm actually kind of torn, 'cause, on the one hand, - Shannon's, like, the worst.
- Yeah.
But on the other hand, I hate parties, so Right.
You want to go? - To the party? - Yeah.
Or we could just go and be stupid and wear our pants backwards.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, we could we could try to get in, but I don't know if they let in freaks.
- Freaks? - Yeah, you know, like you and me.
Oh, yeah.
[laughs.]
Yeah, we're totally freaks.
Anyway, I should probably go.
- But, uh, maybe I'll see you there.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll see you there, freak! [school bell ringing.]
ZORN [laughs.]
: All right, here we go.
Flight tracker says Headbutt Man landed 20 minutes ago.
[chanting.]
Butt! Butt! Butt! Butt! Wh-Why aren't you guys chanting? Uh, maybe because you just told us he was coming three hours ago.
- And staying with you.
- That's right.
Yes, thank you.
Well, I-I can't let him stay with me.
No, he'd destroy the place.
And I rent.
So, is this protected enough? - Uh, you tell me.
[grunts.]
- Oh - Really? - Remember back in Zephyria, when he headbutted that giant hole in the ground, and then we all got wasted and started dropping elves into the hole? Yes, I remember committing elficide.
Oh, man, I can't wait to go berserk with Butt at my work party.
Hey, you know what, you guys should come rage with us, too, you know.
- Craig and I are not raging.
- No.
We're gonna stay in, relax, maybe open one of our cheeses of the month.
- Mmm.
- Ugh! This is exactly why I can't wait for Headbutt Man to get here.
This has been my life since I got to Orange County: dinner parties, bike rides, avocado toast, - uh, the dumb happy look on Craig's face.
- Oh.
The dumb hurt look on Craig's face.
- I am bored out of my friggin' mind! - I'm so sorry that you feel like your best days are behind you, - but I love it here, and I never look back.
- Well, if young Edie could hear you say that, she would stomp you with her awesome giant demon boots.
It's called growing up.
Maybe if Headbutt Man had done it, he'd still be married to Headbutt Woman.
Aw, come on, why you got to rag on Butt? - What'd he ever do to you? - He headbutted me.
Well, I for one am looking forward to meeting this gentleman.
Oh, boy.
Layla.
Yeah, yeah, it's you, uh-huh.
Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just keep-keep at it.
I'll be Dumbass.
Stupid tight jeans.
Mm.
What a freak.
[doorbell rings.]
ZORN: Oh, he's here! He's here! Alangulon, stop diddling yourself! Come say hi! HEADBUTT MAN: Haveth me yumpnarfs! [both laughing.]
Aw, it's good to see you.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, is that Glombeast blood on your shirt there? Wh Oh! [laughs.]
- Got you! - Oh, man, you got me.
But really, is that blood? - Never mind.
- Who is that I see? - Is that Edie? - Hey, Butt.
Boy, oh, boy, you look mature.
- Oh.
- Uh, in a, in a good way.
You know, without the dread-mohawk - and all the face piercings.
- Well, it's still my driver's license photo, so [laughs.]
Uh, this is Craig, my fiancé.
Hi.
As you can see, I sort of came prepared.
- I want your butt right on my head.
- Oh CRAIG: That didn't sound right.
I'm sorry.
ZORN: Aw, Butt, no, come on, you shouldn't have.
You know, I didn't think they still sold comfort slaves at Duty Free.
- Kneel, wench! - [chuckles.]
No, no, Zorn.
- This is my girlfriend, Elizabeth.
- Your girlfriend? - Head's told me so much about you.
- "Head?" - You must be Edie.
- Hi.
- Do I Have we met? - I don't think so.
- Maybe in Zephyria? - Oh.
Did you used to have a spider that lived in your face? - No, sorry.
- Well, let me show you guys where you're gonna be.
Oh, my God! What? HEADBUTT MAN: Headbutt Girl, come on! You don't just enter someone's house and stand there all creepily.
Oh, sorry.
Hi.
Um my mom and brother are both dead.
- [chuckles.]
It's - Hey, there he is! - Yo.
- The fruit of my loins.
He's got his mother's eyes, but his father's penises.
What? Okay.
[chuckles.]
All right, on that note, I'm probably gonna head out.
- Where? - Oh, to that party.
Uh, you said you'd let me borrow the car, remember? HEADBUTT MAN: A party? Oh, wow! That sounds like something Headbutt Girl would be totally interested in.
Hey, you know what, maybe you guys could go together or something like that.
I don't know, I'm just throwing the idea out there.
Oh, you know what, actually, really, it's more of a Yes, that is a great idea.
You should bring her along.
[grunts, chuckles.]
She is our guest.
[sighs.]
- Okay.
Shall we? - All right.
Okay, so, uh, Headbutt Girl, where would Headbutt Girl? [scoffs.]
What are you, my dad? Okay, no one calls me that.
Call me Dorothy Clementina.
- Okay, uh, Dorothy, the - Oh, I'm sorry, did I just say Dorothy, or did I say Dorothy Clementina?! Use both names together so it sounds more badass.
I'm sorry.
Uh, okay.
So I just want to make sure you're prepared to go to, like, an American party.
Is there gonna be sex at the party? 'Cause I'm good at sex.
You know what? I think there's probably some better stuff we could do tonight.
This party is pretty stupid.
We're going to that party! Start the car! [growls.]
- What do you think about an accent wall? - Oh, I like that.
- Do you? - ZORN [quietly.]
: Hey, don't worry.
Five minutes of small talk and we can split.
My office is having a bananas-ass throw-down.
And then after the party, I know this guy who has an illegal bull on his ranch.
I'd love to see what you can do against that thing.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, sure, no, that's, uh Why don't we just see how the night plays out? - Is that Nababbo? - Oh, my God.
You're familiar with the Nina Simone of goat's milks? Well, is this, like, a cheese tasting, or - Oh, well, it can be.
- [chuckles.]
: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you guys go ahead and stay here.
Sniff dairy, stack crackers, be generally very boring.
Really? I don't know, I cheese night sounds kind of fun.
- Fun? - CRAIG: You know what, we could have a cheese/wine pairing.
- EDIE: Ooh! - Uh, actually, uh, no wine for me.
[chuckles.]
: Oh, wait a minute, now I get it.
"Cheese night.
" "No wine for me.
" [chuckles.]
Aw, I totally fell for it, man.
That's hilarious.
[chuckles.]
Actually, Zorn, I, um I don't party anymore.
- [clears throat.]
I-I quit.
- EDIE: Well, that is great news.
- Congratulations.
- Yeah.
Hold on! [laughs.]
Look at those crackers! [laughs.]
- CRAIG: Thank you.
- HEADBUTT MAN: Wow! [tense music.]
You know how to make a guy's mouth water.
Am I right or am I right or am I right? [chatter, laughter continues.]
You must have crackers from all over the world! EDIE: Well, how did you two meet? Oh, well, I was working as a nurse in Zephyria - Mhm.
- through Doctors Without Borders.
And they just opened up that coffee spot down the street from Butt Palace.
ELIZABETH: So I was on a little latte break, and - they mixed up our orders.
- And they mixed up our orders! - Are you kidding me? - EDIE: Oh, wait a sec.
You were a nurse? That must be it.
Were you working triage during the bloodbath of '92? No.
I was zombified and buried underground for all of '92.
- Oh.
- Anyway, turns out Head and I have so much in common.
- Ugh.
- We both really like visiting canals.
Well, Elizabeth got me into it.
That's what we're doing in town, actually.
We're gonna visit the Venice Canals.
- Oh, boy.
- HEADBUTT MAN: Oh, we've seen all the greats: Dane's Canal, Old Sussex Canal, Carnhar's Canal.
ZORN: Yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.
Names of canals, other canal names, right, okay.
Hey, Butt, remember when you got wasted and head-slammed that wild boar? [Zorn and Headbutt Man laugh.]
Do I? Then I followed that boar home - and murdered its whole family.
- Oh, that's right.
[Zorn and Headbutt Man laugh.]
But we should probably [clears throat.]
not dwell on the past, you know? [clears throat.]
- I couldn't agree more.
- CRAIG: Well, let's have a toast.
- To new friends and old.
- Yes.
[glasses clinking, laughter.]
[gasping.]
- I'm out of here! - My crackers! Sorry about the crackers! Please clean them up for me.
ZORN: Come on, Star Sprinkle, get in here.
[laughs.]
: There you go.
Oh, it's gonna be the best butt ever.
Headbutting a unicorn? It just makes sense, right? [laughs.]
- Let me at it! - [chanting.]
Butt! Butt! Butt! HEADBUTT MAN [over video.]
: That unicorn's toast! Hey.
Oh, wow, glorp.
[chuckles.]
I didn't know you were still glorping.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, remember how we used to cut it with the ground-up teeth of those we vanquished? I sure do.
Yeah, I brought some for old time's sake, but I'm guessing you don't want any? Yeah.
Elizabeth doesn't really approve.
You know, mouth cancer and all.
Butt, are you kidding me? Mouth cancer's not a thing.
That chick is brainwashing you.
Come on, we're having fun together.
- You met at a coffee shop.
- Yeah, Zorn.
She met me in a coffee shop bathroom, wasted off my ass, covered in my own vomit.
She took me in, cleaned me up, got me into the program.
If it weren't for her, I just I don't know.
I'm just saying, she saved me, man.
- I had to grow up sooner or later.
- No, I get it, I get it.
It's just, life here is so boring.
I was so psyched for one night of fun with my best friend.
Okay? Two pals reliving the glory days, that's all.
Tell you what.
Let's swing by that work party.
You can buy me a club soda.
[pop music playing.]
What's up? What's up? How you livin'? JEREMY: Hey, what's up? Son of Zorn.
- ALAN: Hey.
- Uh Ooh, uh - Who's this? - Uh, this is, uh, Head [clears throat.]
This her name is Dorothy Clementina.
HEADBUTT GIRL: What's up, man? - I have teenage gout.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
She's a, she's a family friend, know what I'm saying? - Alan.
- Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm gonna go say hi to someone.
So - Dorothy Clementina, I'll - Finally.
- So, Clementina, huh? That's a - Where can I drop a B.
M.
? Uh I mean, there's a bathroom - over there, I think.
- Bathroom? [laughs.]
No, no.
Someplace cooler.
Um ZORN: Listen up, San-Soluties.
This is Butt, my best friend in the world.
And if he does something you enjoy, the chant goes like this: "Butt! Butt! Butt! Butt!" And so on, to infinity.
Changing by the minute and the record on repeat Took a sip, then another sip Then somebody said to me Why you babysitting only two or three shots? I'm-a show you how to turn it up a notch First you get a swimming pool Full of liquor, then you dive in it Pool full of liquor Then you dive in it.
- Buddy, you okay? - Yeah.
I'm good, I'm good.
Two beers, please.
Whoa, whoa.
Two beers? - Are you sure about this, pal? - Ah, it's okay, Zorn.
A couple sips won't hurt me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, before you take that drink, I just want you to think about how awesome this is gonna be! Butt! Butt! Butt! CROWD [chanting.]
: Butt! Butt! Butt! Butt! Butt! CRAIG [singsongy.]
: Ooh, five of clubs.
Gin, ladies.
Take off your tops.
- [chuckles.]
I'm kidding.
- I'm sorry.
- You just look so familiar.
- All right, look.
It's true, we have met before.
Does Arrowhead ring a bell? - Arrowhead.
- CRAIG: Okay, let me guess.
Arrowhead is a guy whose head is shaped like an arrow, and when he opens his mouth, arrows come out and they shoot you, and then you turn into an arrow, and then you shoot other people in the head.
No.
That's Archeron.
Arrowhead was our seventh grade summer camp.
You're Lizzy Jones! Oh! Why didn't you just say so? Well, I had a boyfriend at the time, and you kissed him.
- Ooh! - What? - Yeah.
Josh Kirschenbaum? - Oh, I remember Josh.
But Josh was going out with me at the time, so - Oh! - I mean, that's not how it happened, but that's okay, I don't care.
Well, that is definitely how it happened, but I don't care either.
CRAIG: Well, my opinion? I do care, and I want answers.
ALAN: So then I was like, "H-2-O? - More like H-2-hell no.
" - Good joke.
- [laughs.]
That is bad.
- Awesome.
- No.
Bad.
- You nailed it.
You know, actually, I'm really happy I came to this party.
Even though I normally hate parties.
Well, I'm-I'm glad you came, too.
And I did, as well.
- So yeah.
- HEADBUTT GIRL: Yeah, me also.
Where's your friend? Because I want him for sex, you know? He kind of ran away.
He, uh, y I don't know, sorry.
[scoffs.]
All right.
I'll check the bathroom, I guess, 'cause he seems obsessed with the location.
- Good luck.
- All right.
Okay, so that's she's, like, a like, a family friend.
SHANNON: Layla, Alan.
Come on, we're going swimming.
No, no suit here.
So, uh-uh.
SHANNON: Just put one of your socks on it.
That's what my dad does.
- Mm.
- Did you see Shannon's outie? It looks like a baby finger.
Well, that's Things that are weird about people, what's that all about? - You coming? - I just ate.
So, ugh.
Oh, no.
You could still probably swim, though.
I'll ge I'll get a cramp.
The next thing you know, be a lawsuit.
I don't want to be involved.
[laughs.]
Okay.
[sips.]
All of my closest friends have died in pools.
ZORN/HEADBUTT MAN: # Munga, munga, munga, munga # Munga, munga, munga, munga, munga, munga, yump! [glass shatters.]
[laughter, cheering.]
- Oh, man.
- Hey, that was good.
Thanks for getting me out, Zorn.
Best time I've had in three months, two weeks and five days.
I know, so let's keep the party going.
You know, blow off those stupid canals tomorrow.
Canals? What the? Oh, right.
No, right, yeah.
I said I was gonna go to the Venice Canals.
- Wait, are you not? - Uh, never mind.
You know, it's-it's a whole thing.
- I don't even want to - Dude, you're my best friend.
- You can tell me anything.
- All right.
Look.
The real reason we came was 'cause Elizabeth wants me to see a neurologist at UCLA.
- Wait.
What? - Klorpins, the cave doctor, said I've got brain damage from a lifetime of ramming stuff.
He said if I headbutt one more thing, I could die.
LINDA: Hey! - I got fireball shots.
- Hell yeah! I'm feeling crazy tonight! - I like this one.
- I'm gonna live forever! [line ringing.]
ELIZABETH: Okay, remember, your name is Michael Slater, and you were best friends with Josh at camp.
JOSH: Hello? Josh? Josh Kirschenbaum? Yeah.
Uh, who's this? [chuckles.]
Michael Slater from Camp Arrowhead.
[chuckles.]
I found your number online, so, uh It's been a long time, huh? Yeah, a long while.
What do you want? Yeah, so, listen, I'm writing a memoir about my childhood.
It's called A Life of Wonder: Michael's Tale.
And, um, it's being published by Knopf.
I don't know if you heard of them and Random House was looking around.
They were sort of sniffing and trying to make Anyways, I was wondering, maybe you can clear up some stories from my camp days? Did you have a girlfriend named Edie or Lizzy? Come on, Mike, I had, like, 11 girlfriends.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, I know, but, uh, who did you like more, Edie or Lizzie? Well, okay, let's see.
Obviously, Lizzy was Lizzy the Ho, so she was fun, but also kind of gross.
And Edie she was hot but totally flat.
- Oh, my God! - Hey! - Who was that? - You know what? It's Edie Bennett and Lizzy the Ho, you fart-sack! Hey, Mike, what the hell is this? - Look, you need help at all - Just hang up.
- [beep.]
Just hang up.
- Such a jerk, that guy! [phone vibrates.]
- Well, it's settled.
- Wait, something's wrong.
I mean, this looks like Head when he texts with his head and not his thumbs.
I'm telling ya, all it took was one headbutt, and that little girl went flying! [laughter.]
Am I the only one that finds this story disturbing? - Yes.
- Hey, Butt Man, why don't you put your head where your mouth is? You, uh, think you can smash that chair with your head? Does a Grithian herdsman have nine anuses? [laughter.]
I don't know.
Hey, uh, you know what'd be really fun? Driving home and seeing if there's any cheese left, - then going to bed.
- Stop being such a buzz-kill, Zorn.
[laughs.]
I love this guy.
It's too dangerous! [crowd grumbles.]
- You suck! - ZORN: They say if you see something, you're supposed to say something.
Well, I - [chuckles.]
Hey, you.
- Zorn, where are you guys? - Elizabeth is freaking out.
- Uh, still at the party.
Just, you know, sipping our Shirley Temples.
I'll do it.
You think I won't? Oh, is that Butt? LINDA: You really think you can headbutt my truck? - It's a V-8! - No, no, no, no.
- Butt! Linda! Butt! - Let's take this party to the next level! ZORN: Edie, just tell Elizabeth Tell Elizabeth what? She's terrified.
How did I even get [phone beeps.]
Phew.
[chuckles.]
That was a close one.
Hey, where'd everyone go? Uh, I think I heard somebody say something about headbutting a truck? Who's gonna headbutt the truck I-I have no idea.
Oh, my God, you're so disgusting.
- Are you eating my deodorant? - Yeah.
I want my mouth to smell like your armpits.
- What's the big deal? - What is she even doing here? - Who invited her? - He did.
What? Me? No, I didn't not really.
She's just, like, my dad's friend's, uh This is a party, Alan, not a zoo for freaks.
[laughter.]
All right.
Well, that one was harsh.
That one I can't forget.
TF too far.
I think we're all saying stuff we're gonna regret.
- Hey, Shannon, she's not a freak.
- Look at her.
- She has a mustache.
- HEADBUTT GIRL: Okay.
ALAN: Yeah, yeah, she's got a mustache.
- All right, well - She also has teenage gout.
She also says she has to go to the bathroom all the time, and Also, my nipples are the opposite of small.
Just let me get through this, okay? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all you.
It's all you.
It's all you.
Everyone has something weird about them.
But she knows who she is and she doesn't care.
She owns it.
And that's I think that's pretty cool.
It's a lot cooler than I am.
SHANNON: Whatever.
I'm gonna go have sex in my little sister's room.
- Me, too.
- All right, let's go.
[sighs.]
Hey.
Thanks, Alangulon.
You know what? Thank you, Headbutt Girl.
[grunts.]
[crowd gasping.]
[Alan groans.]
- ALAN: What the hell?! - I told you, only my dad calls me that.
What the hell are you looking at?! You want to go?! [grunts.]
That's what I thought.
I'm gonna go find a rug to scoot on.
LAYLA: Oh, my God.
- Are you okay? - Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
Just, like You know, I could have a concussion, so you probably have to stay with me all night, you know? Oh, I have to stay with you all night? Well, just in case.
If I have a concussion, I'm not liable for anything I say, just so you know.
Yeah, okay.
No, I'm telling you, Butt, do not do this! - You're gonna die! - I'm fine, Zorny.
This is what I was born to do.
- Out of the way, Zorn! - Linda, will you please? Linda, stop.
You don't understand.
Hey, Butt Man brought this on himself.
You don't mess with the devil.
ZORN: I need to talk to Boss Linda now.
Okay.
Boss Linda here.
You're fired, Zorn! - Linda, please.
- Now Slayer Linda's back.
- Linda - You're not fired, Zorn.
- Stop! - And your friend is gonna die! Linda, you shouldn't even be driving right now.
[screaming.]
[rock music playing, engine revving.]
Stop! Stop, stop! Stop! [gasps.]
Stop! [tires screech.]
HEADBUTT MAN: Elizabeth? Oh, God, what have I done? [crying.]
- LINDA: Shh, shh, shh.
- HEADBUTT: Look at me! It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm here now.
Shh, shh, shh.
[Headbutt Man crying.]
Augusta Canal.
Oswego Canal.
Saint Clair Harbor.
Flats Canal.
Yeah! CROWD [chanting.]
: Butt! Butt! Butt! Oh, man, he did it! He actually headbutted a unicorn! Dude, you look awesome right now.
[groaning.]
I don't like myself, Zorn.
I can't live like this.
I need help! So that's what happened to my eye.
- [chuckles.]
I always wondered.
- Yeah, I guess I never watched this video all the way to the end.
I can't believe I almost died for one last headbutt.
Well, I guess there's an argument to be made that it's better to have you around boring and alive than awesome and dead, you know? Hey, hey.
Just want to say a quick good-bye to everybody.
Ooh, your head still looks terrible.
Yeah.
It's on me, though, you know? I shouldn't have got in the way of the faucet like I did.
Just Whoo! HEADBUTT GIRL: Well, maybe that happened because you pissed off the faucet.
If you could read between the lines, you would know that the faucet was hoping you were the one she could give her special flower to, but now the faucet will have to give it up to some stranger on a changing table in the airport bathroom! Okay, that's enough, Butty-cakes.
[snorts.]
[chuckles.]
- Oh, that's my daughter.
- Well, guess you guys should hit the road, but not with your head.
[laughs.]
You get it? 'Cause you're brain-damaged.
Dang it.
Where'd I put my keys? Got 'em right here for you buddy.
Here you go.
[grunts.]
[gasps.]
Butt? [body thuds.]
[yelling.]
Butt! [Music.]
She's all that I want All-all that I want And I, and I And I want to feel the heat She shifted up the clutch Jump-Jumping double Dutch And I want, I want I want her to jump for me Oh MAN: Whoa!