Space Force (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

1 We got lucky with the master-welder applicants.
These are the best in the nation.
Our top electrician prospect is a contractor working out of Chicago.
He already has confidential security clearance, so that should save some I'm sorry.
Are we interrupting your workout? Would you like us to come back when you're done? Okay, cranky, I can still do this while you talk.
Well, if I'm cranky, it's because I'm running myself ragged trying to adapt a four-year program for moon habitation into something that's ready to launch three days from now.
China forced our hand.
If we don't get up there before they fortify their base, they could keep us off the moon forever.
Sending construction workers into space.
What are we thinking? Either we teach astronauts trades that may take years to master, or we teach tradesmen to be passengers on a rocket bus.
Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times.
Do not barf in your helmet, or you will drown.
Chan gets it.
Maybe we should let him handle this.
Oh, no.
Moon habitation is my life's work.
I just wanted to complain a bit.
Well, what a delightful waste of time.
We have to make the selections today to stay on schedule.
Would you like to call the winners with me? Uh yeah.
I can't.
I'm not gonna be around.
Chan, could you pack this stuff up for me? Thank you.
I've got my, uh, conjugal visit today.
How are you feeling? I'm nervous.
It's been a while.
Don't put too much pressure on the act itself.
Arousal is birthed in the brain.
I can't tell you how creepy it is to watch you say the word "arousal".
Just, all right, listen.
I've, uh got a cover story.
I'm going to Denver.
You're going to Denver? Hey, I'm going to Denver today, too.
I'm taking Captain Ali to the eye doctor.
Okay, good! Just make sure her eyes are healed before the launch.
Well, we should carpool, General.
Save some gas.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No, he's not going to No! - I don't want to carpool.
- Why not? Uh I find your presence grating.
Oh.
Is it Did Huh.
I see.
I appreciate the feedback, sir.
Oh - Do you think I hurt his feelings? - Yeah.
And I want you to include Fuck Tony in your final selection process.
Oh, hey, General.
Have fun in Denver, sir.
I've always wanted to go to Denver.
Thanks, spaceman.
Why on earth would I do that? First time since 1972, we're gonna have Americans walking on the moon.
They're gonna be instant heroes.
We need our media consultant for that.
Fair enough.
Have a good time in Denver, General.
Just know it may not be as great as you remember.
Thank you, Hildy.
Expectations managed.
Uh, people certainly seem invested in your fake trip.
They care about the old man because they know the old man cares about them.
Mm-hmm.
Any problems, Brad'll take care of them.
General, if I may offer some advice.
Downtown Denver will always be there.
Why not spend some time getting to know the other parts of the city? That way, when you do go "downtown", it will be that much more special.
Yes? Okay.
Happy travels.
I believe your code may have been cracked.
Yeah.
No shit.
Hey, Bug.
I was just getting ready to take off.
Heard you're gonna see Mom today.
- Yeah.
- I'm coming with you.
Uh I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? I don't know.
Okay.
Shit.
Jesus, Dad, what? Nothing.
Nothing.
It Let's break it down.
Okay, so we're looking for American heroes.
Let me be more clear.
We are looking for people who look like heroes.
No uggos.
Well, Abraham Lincoln is a hero, and he was pretty unattractive.
You're insane.
He was gorgeous.
He was a Frankenstein without the bolts.
But, now, Gerald Ford hochi mochi! You kidding me with that guy? - Yeah.
- He was poured into that suit.
All-American, University of Michigan football player.
- Yes, please.
- Yes, please! - All day.
- I also agree, but we have work to do.
Call the first one, Brad.
- Hello? - Mr.
Ely, congratulations.
You have been selected for Project Mayflower, and we need you in Wild Horse, ASAP.
I see you're working near Sheppard Air Force Base.
We can have a plane ready in an hour.
Will that work? Yeah, just need to hammer out the details of my contract first.
But the terms were agreed to during the preliminary calls, were they not? Yeah, I'm gonna need something more.
A million dollars.
I don't get paid a million dollars.
I mean, no government employee gets paid a million dollars, Mr.
Ely.
No.
I heard Coach Saban makes over seven million dollars a year.
- Roll Tide! - Roll, Tide, roll! Oh, you would be a 'Bama fan.
- Oh, I'm so sorry for liking winners.
- That's so perfect.
- Quiet, please.
- Okay.
Sir, the United States of America is building a permanent colony on the moon.
We are answering the call of destiny.
You would jeopardize your part in this over money? Man.
You want me, I should be compensated.
To be clear, I don't want you.
You're an unfortunate necessity, like tipping or colonoscopies.
So I'm a colonoscopy? It was an off-the-cuff comparison, but I'll tell you what, if it resonates for you Hey, man, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! - Hey.
- What? Fuck you.
Ah! By the way, there is no need Mark should be privy to the specifics of that conversation.
Are we all agreed? - Absolutely.
- Yeah.
Ugh! - Okay.
I don't wanna know.
- All right.
- Stay here.
I'll be back.
- Ew.
Good choice.
You like K-Pop? Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
I mean, K-Pop kind of jacked their whole shit from black music, but it's okay.
Actually, black people and Koreans have tons in common.
Barbecue's bangin', skincare is flawless.
You know I'm not Korean, right? Yeah.
Okay.
- Don't get offended.
- I'm not.
It's not like you know where my people come from.
Well, where did your people come from? I don't know.
In third grade, I had to do a heritage report, and I just said, "Congo?" I had just seen the movie "Congo".
Sorry, I just have a thing about being mistaken for Korean.
All my Korean friends are hotheads.
One of 'em threw a fork at me in Marie Callender's.
Why? I said something about his grandma.
Oof.
Okay, so your ethnicity's actually just asshole.
Grandma Kim was a bitch, though.
Mmm.
Oh, I miss the way your bumps feel against my body.
I think it's been a year since I've hugged someone.
Except for the Speaker of the House.
Different bumps.
Very different.
Oh, look at you.
Wait a minute.
Is that a knit tie? Yeah.
Dr.
Mallory thought that I could make it work.
Well, I like it.
- Thanks.
- Take it off.
Okay.
I will.
I will.
You know, I was thinking of how we could - maximize our time here together.
- Uh-huh.
There's a strategy in basketball called a two-for-one in which the team tries to take a shot early in order to get the ball back so they can shoot again before time runs out.
Oh.
Oh, I like where your head is at.
- Yeah? - Okay.
- Okay.
- Hmm? What's the secret here? - It's a zipper.
That's it.
- All right.
How does that thing work? Okay.
What are we doing here? - Yeah.
- Agh.
I wish I had my multi-tool.
They took it when I walked in.
Oh, oh, be careful, don't rip it.
Well, I'll buy you a new one.
Yeah, no, it's just that No, it comes out of my commissary, and I'm almost at my limit for this month, so - Okay.
All right.
- I have to be All right.
Mmm.
Mmm Are you doing something different with your upper lip? No.
Uh okay.
Just seems like it's a little more active.
- Hmm.
- I don't know.
- It's the same.
- You know what? Let's not think about a two-for-one or a three-for-one or any of that stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's just, uh, practice, all right? - Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
Maybe we should see what happens if we All right.
That might put us in the mood.
Yo! Erin! How do you know my name? Maggie's the only one who gets her beefcake helicoptered in.
Figured you must be her daughter.
She say you're smart, but you don't look it.
Okay, well, I am on this side of the fence, so Oh Definitely Maggie's kid.
You're not gonna, like, shiv my mom in the shower 'cause I was mean, are you? No.
She'd probably put me out of the book club.
- Let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait! Wait.
Sorry.
So, you know my mom? How's she doing in there? This is my rec time.
You wanna talk? Keep up.
Keep going.
Yeah, just keep going straight.
Why are you're walking like a ninja? Okay, can you just, like, lead me, please? - No, no, no, no.
- Like, just I'm not comfortable with that.
Two adult acquaintances should not be holding hands.
What? Why? Who are you trying to seem single for, huh? That guy? Ooh.
He has cats.
I'm sorry, I just Since I can't see, my sense of smell is heightened.
Fine.
Hold on to my shirt.
- What? - Hold onto my shirt.
- I - Come on.
No.
No, this looks ridiculous.
How do you know? You can't see.
Because there's no version of a man leading a woman on a leash that looks cool.
- Whoa! - Watch where I'm going! I am! I just led you around a huge pile of spiders.
- Oh! Why - Okay, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
Oh, that was a joke.
Oh, yeah, I get why it's funny.
Right, because I can't see, and I'm trying to protect myself, and I can't.
Yeah, that's very funny.
You're very good at humor.
Thank you.
- What was that? - Your shadow? So how's work? It's fine.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
Rockets go up, rockets come down.
The usual.
Why was our last visit canceled? Oh, it was nothing.
It was just a blip.
Louise said the president was mad at you.
Mm.
No.
It was a blip.
How's your work? Oh, it's okay.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't see myself cutting eyeglass lenses forever.
But you cannot get a library job unless someone dies or gets beat really bad.
Well, give it time.
Yeah, Mark.
Think I will give it time.
Maggie, I didn't mean to make you upset.
You didn't.
So how's everything else going? Um I'm playing a lot of clarinet.
I always thought you wanted to play the harp.
Yeah.
They don't allow string instruments in here.
It's a suicide-murder thing.
- Well - Which is ridiculous, 'cause I could easily kill someone with a clarinet.
You know? Blunt force trauma.
Internal bleeding, or, smack, brain someone.
Jesus, Maggie.
Hey, I'm not gonna do it.
I'm just saying, I mean, I could, given the opportunity and the right provocation, the right provocation.
Well, I'm just I'm glad you're learning an instrument.
Okay, we're only 100,000 over budget, and we have to send the plumber the Who What tickets? - Brooks & Dunn.
- Ah.
Uh next candidate, please.
Well, that was the last one.
And we still don't have an electrician or an HVAC specialist.
I didn't anticipate so many people losing their nerve at the last minute.
So you gotta improvise.
Launch what we got.
It's jazz, baby! You seem like the type of guy who pretends to like jazz.
We can't improvise this.
Failure in either of those systems could be catastrophic, and we don't have enough time to launch another nationwide search for more candidates.
I mean this is a disaster! - Yeah.
- My career is ruined! I'm kaput! No! I spent years training for this very moment! There has to be a way.
Well, uh, I found an electrician nearby with five stars.
Uh, he promises, "shockingly good results".
That's kinda fun.
Don't be an idiot, Brad.
Yeah, don't be foolish, Brad, because anyone can have five stars if they only have one or two reviews.
How many reviews does he have? Hey.
Wait, are you dancing? No.
I don't learn K-Pop dances.
There was like a fly in here.
- Oh.
- You know? Whoo.
Well, this explains how the cops caught you.
How are you not tired? Used to run track when we lived in DC.
Not anymore? Only when I go to prison, apparently.
So, how are you and my mom friends? Oh, everybody's friends with Maggie.
Or wants to be.
She runs the most exclusive book club in here.
Great.
My mom has more friends in prison than I do in the outside world.
Hmm.
You wouldn't happen to have, like, a meth-head daughter I could grab brunch with sometime, would you? Ha-ha.
Hey, remember our trip to Palo Duro Canyon? Oh.
God.
Yeah, "America's second-largest canyon"? Yeah.
What, did we think the Grand Canyon would be too overwhelming? Stupid.
All right, well, when you get out, we will go to the Grand Canyon.
In 40 years? I don't wanna talk about that.
Well, I honey, I thought it might distract you.
Well, I don't need to be distracted.
I need to accept what is.
Okay.
Maggie, what's going on? Nothing.
Oh, God.
I didn't want to do this till the end.
Do what? Yeah.
Um, I think we need to talk about our relationship.
Um I think I think we should have an open marriage.
Open to what, exactly? Open to the, the notion of us having relationships that are intimate with people that are accessible to us.
No.
No? Just like that? Just like that.
You're being ridiculous.
Okay.
Let's see.
You have notes? Well "Leaders must always be open to suggestions that can improve the organization's vision".
Do not quote the Air Force handbook to me.
"Team members need to feel comfortable enough to think outside the box and share their thoughts" This is stupid! - "and ideas" - No.
"without fear of being shut down or discounted.
It is the hallmark of a trust-based team".
I'm not even in the Air Force anymore.
I'm gonna be in here for 40 years.
I would like to have a relationship with a human being without having to be dishonest.
This is a woman's prison, Maggie.
You're not gay.
No! But I'm not 100% straight, either.
You're bisexual? It's complicated.
Well, great.
Lay it on me.
I can deal with complicated.
I talk to scientists all day long.
About their sexual needs? I could.
I choose not to.
All right, Mark.
Okay, this has nothing to do with how good we are when we're together.
This is about what happens when you leave here and go back to live your life.
Well, then why don't you just ask me for a divorce? No! No.
Our marriage Our marriage is not just about sexual exclusivity.
It's It's about love.
And honesty and support.
And Erin.
It's a declaration to the whole world that we've got each other's backs, no matter what.
And I don't wanna lose that.
Do you? Okay.
What are we doing? We've been apart too long.
We've forgotten how good we are together.
No.
It's not about that, Mark.
Oh Oh, God.
Okay.
Well, that's unfair.
Hey.
Hmm.
I love you.
I love you, too.
If that zipper doesn't come straight down, I am bombing this place to dust.
So, it's the same show, just two different names.
No.
One is "Fullmetal Alchemist", one is "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood".
- Two different shows.
- Right, so one's a sequel.
- Okay, I got it.
- No! It's parallel! They're like, uh, alternate dimensions.
What, like one of 'em's a dream? "Fullmetal Alchemist" came first, but it caught up to the manga, so they have to make up their own stuff.
"Brotherhood" came after the manga! Okay, but which one has Batman? What are you talking about? Oh.
Do not mansplain anime to me, you rude, rude bitch.
I can't wait to get rid of you.
Really? Is that why we've taken, like, 20 right turns in a row? Construction detour.
You have kidnapped a woman so you can yell at her about cartoons.
How dare you? - Ooh.
- That was great.
Maybe not as great as, uh, New Year's Eve '99, but it's hard to top that Y2K combination of excitement and fear.
That was incredible.
We're incredible.
- Yeah.
- We're incredible together.
There's nothing in here that can compare to our history.
Definitely not.
So it's decided? Close it up? Close the marriage? Post a sentry? Trespassers will be shot on sight.
Uh, no.
Mags, I don't want this.
I don't want the open thing.
Are you really okay with being alone all year, except for eight hours? Really? There's no one out there you wanna date? No.
Was that a pause? - No.
No, it wasn't a pause.
- Oh, come on! I don't wanna date anybody else, Maggie.
Just you.
Okay.
There someone you wanna date? I think an open marriage could work for us.
The countdown on our conventional marriage started as soon as I got arrested.
No, it didn't, because I would wait for you forever.
Because that is what I signed on for when we got married.
So both of us should suffer needlessly? What's the value in that? Look, I don't mind suffering needlessly.
That's fine.
I'll be fine.
You would not be fine with that? No! I'm not fine with having sex only twice a year, and that's only when the president allows it, by the way.
It's more than twice a year.
It's two visits a year.
I can have sex with you three times each visit.
That's six times.
Maybe I could go for four.
No, I can't do four.
I could do three, though.
I'd definitely go for three.
Oh, boy.
Everybody line up! That's us.
I'll tell your mom you say "hi".
Thanks for the workout.
That was actually the first run I've been on since I quit cross-country.
Feels good, don't it? It's freedom.
Huh.
Yeah.
Bye.
Maggie, what kind of man breaks his own vows? You can't just change 'em after the fact.
That's not how they work.
But why not? Why not? Growing up, there are other people telling us what's right and what's wrong.
Well, we're the grow-ups now.
The whole point of being faithful is to avoid hurting the person you love.
We love each other, but being faithful is hurting us.
You've been such a good man for so long.
You deserve to be happy.
So do you.
Thanks.
I wanted Denver, and I got California.
In three days' time, a rocket crewed by astronauts, members of the military, and a group of world-class tradespeople will take off from this base to build an American town on the moon.
We would like you both to be on that rocket.
Any questions? Which moon are we going to? The one you're familiar with.
How'd you get my number? I'm unlisted.
Uh, Angie's List.
Are they serving dinner on the flight? Meals will be provided.
- Right? Is that right? - Yes.
Meals will be provided, so Are we expected to breed? No.
Can I bring my cat? Can she bring her cat? - Come on.
- No.
- Sorry.
- No.
If we are required to breed, do I have a choice? Is it her? That's a great question.
He's saying if they have to have sex, could it be her? - He could be into it.
- I understood.
Thank you.
Uh, if it will be required, you will be given a choice, yes.
I get an hour for lunch.
Understood.
When is Christmas on the moon? It's the usual time.
After Christmas Eve.
Werewolves.
Have you addressed the possible hazard of werewolves on the moon, in their prime environment? I understand that you can grow up to two inches on the moon.
Is that in all directions? So what should we tell people? Whatever we want.
We make the rules.
Never made my own rules before.
Sounds like fun.
It is.
Let's go.
Oh, shoot, I gotta get in line.
Oh, I could hide beneath the wings Of the bluebird as she sings The six-o'clock alarm would never ring But six rings and I rise Wipe the sleep out of my eyes The shaving razor's cold and it stings Dad! What the fuck? Cheer up, sleepy Jean Oh, what can it mean To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen? You once thought of me as a white knight on his steed Now you know how happy I can be Oh, and our good times starts and end Without dollar one to spend But how much, baby, do we really need? Cheer up, sleepy Jean Oh, what can it mean To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen? Cheer up, sleepy Jean Oh, what can it mean To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen? Cheer up, sleepy Jean Oh, what can it mean To a daydream believer And a homecoming queen?