Spitting Image (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Hi, guys.
Joe Wicks back for lockdown number two.
Now, just because we've been through all this before, doesn't mean we have to slack off.
Staying positive and exercising for mental health is even more important.
So, let's stay positive, positive, positive.
Star jumps, press-ups - Mind if I join you, kid? - Hm? Hey, didn't you use to be the flu? I am still am, baby.
Boy, hasn't been the same since my press agent died on me.
You look down in the dumps.
They've got a vaccine against me.
- 90% effective.
- That's the business, kid.
One minute you're grabbing the headlines hosted by presidents and prime ministers, next thing, you're a seasonal infection people treat with nasal spray.
Oh, wow! Hey, that hurts! Anyway, I heard you killed with the mink.
Mink? It's a Beverly Hills rat! Still, it beats bats and pangolins.
God, I hate the taste of pangolins.
Eurgh! Hey, respect your roots.
You don't hear me dumping on ducks.
Well, what am I supposed to do now? Relax.
You think Chickenpox is worried? He's throwing kids' parties.
And his Uncle Shingles is huge with the cruise ship crowd.
Yeah.
Maybe I just gotta mutate with the times.
- That's the spirit.
Shots? - Shots? I'm joking, kid.
Loosen up.
A toast to the anti-vaxxers, cos there ain't no cure for stupid.
- Do you mind if I get the barman? - Go for it.
This could take a while.
New James Bond auditions, Black Baby Yoda, take one.
Bond, my name is.
You've got the part.
California dreaming Harry, it came, it finally came.
It's an invy to a fancy formal event.
The Obama Foundation Awards Gala.
Oh, is this one of them socks and shoes things? The important thing is, Michelle will be there.
She's turning her book Becoming into a big-budget movie.
This is my chance to convince her I'd be perfect to play the lead.
When they go low, we go high! Fantastic.
I will be-coming to watch that movie! Hang on.
- This invitation is for LeBron James.
- Duh! I've been rifling through his mailbox every day - so I could grab it before he does.
- Brilliant.
I'd do anything to land a role in that movie.
- Even read the book? - Not "anything" anything.
Oh! God I miss home.
Any word from sweet lady Earth, the World Wide Wench? With the votes finally tallied and the lawsuits just beginning, we can confirm that the next President of the United States is Joe Biden! Piece of shit.
Joe Biden won? So what's the big catastrophe that sent us scurrying across space like schoolboys scared of a firecracker? I really don't get it.
Why did my future self warn me to leave Earth? So after I shot him head first into the wall and knocked him out, I whispered into his ear, "Mars needs your genius.
" His colossal ego did the rest.
OK, OK, so let me understand.
Elon Musk, our greatest entrepreneur is trapped on Mars forever.
Not just Elon.
Also Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.
I am bloody well miffed.
One of you wibbling weasels leaked my lockdown plan.
I tell you something in secret, a second later it's on the news.
"Breaking news Boris annoyed at wibbling weasels.
" Right, that settles it.
Dom, find out who is our leakius maximus.
It'll be my pleasure.
Let's start with you, Sunak.
Wait! Here's ten million quid for one of your mates in the form of a public sector contract.
I have no mates until the time of the swarming.
I will see what is in your brain with my mind scan I learned in the torture domes of Epsilon Five.
I mean Russia I mean Durham! Hey! Watch the hair.
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
Unbridled ego.
Definite leaker.
I'm sorry about the R number, Mr Cuddles.
Weakness equals leakness.
Hm, my mind meld fuse blew.
There must be something really horrible inside this one.
It's not illegal if you just think it.
- Well, Domo, who's our rat? - All of them, obviously.
Hand over your phones and everything else in your pockets.
"That freak Cummings has to go by Christmas.
" Who leaked that? Oh, come on, it could have been anyone.
My elusive cellphone has found its way off the dinner table and is lost somewhere on the floor.
Still, if we take care, there is still time to recover the phone without damage.
Oh, fucking shit! LeBron, I can't believe you never got your invitation.
I personally licked the stamp.
Double licked it.
Dropped through the slot, the whole shebang.
Never got it.
I'm only here because I was walking by and saw my name on the marquee.
Damn Post Office.
I should have shut that whole operation down when I was in charge.
He still angry your book sold better than his? Trust me, that's a whole chapter for my next book.
Blimey, Megs, you're a dead ringer for Michelle Obama.
When everyone sees how perfectly I channel her, - they'll totally give me the role.
- Hang on.
I have to direct your movie.
No-one understands the Black experience like me.
I got it all mapped out, an homage to '70s Indonesian kick-boxing.
Two guys talk about Count Chocula for 20 minutes.
Mitch McConnell gets ice-picked.
Do you know who'd be great to play Michelle? - Meghan Markle.
- I do love resuscitating has-beens' careers, but I'm not a fucking magician.
Boris Johnson, talk us through that performance.
I think we were always going to concede.
Rashford was devastating on the left and in the centre and on the right.
I told the boys they should be proud of holding the line as long as they did and on another day, we'd have got something, especially against your Labours, SNPs and Lib Dems.
- And what about the own goal? - Which one? Good point.
What was the mood like on the back benches? Well.
Foaming with right-wing populism.
What about funding extra sports facilities for disadvantaged kids? Absolutely not.
Out of the question.
- I didn't quite catch that.
- Ah, Rashford.
Yo, my man.
I said how does two billion quid sound? Er, hello.
Joe Biden here for my teeth clean.
Step forward.
Welcome to the Chamber of the Chosen.
Hey, thanks.
Where do I rinse and spit? That appointment was merely a ruse to lure you here.
We are the Illuminati.
You have achieved great power, Joseph Biden.
Now, you are eligible to join our elite order.
I'm already in a lot of clubs, the Automobile Club, the Haircut Club at Scissors.
We control currencies, manipulate markets, communicate with the dead.
Yeah, but I'm one punch hole away from a free haircut.
Oh, goodbye yellow brick road.
Membership in our sacred order does not preclude your quaint haircut arrangement.
Just saying I'm hearing a lot of sizzle but no steak.
I see we must give you a demonstration of our power.
Behold.
A free breakfast buffet? I'm in.
Great, great.
Technically it's free - with the entrance fee.
- Here it comes, the catch.
The good news is that if you recruit two members, you get a share of their entrance fees.
And if they recruit two members, you get a quarter of that.
So this thing's not so much a conspiracy as a pyramid scheme.
Well, it is the logo, it's not like we're hiding it.
Look.
Why do you rich, famous people need all these robes and skulls and sex rituals? We didn't say anything about sex rituals.
Fresh ideas, let him speak.
What's the point of a secret organisation that everybody knows about and you can't get anything you don't already have? - And no sex rituals.
- I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying I've got dirty teeth.
Fine! Take a seat, love.
Ah-ha! Well, this is very exciting.
But why do you want to be our new housekeeper, Idris? The government said I had to retrain, so I did.
Basic level domestic management.
- So, any specialist skills? - I can smoulder.
Jolly good, then.
What's wrong with this patient? Healer Gwyneth, he has shock, inflammation, and extreme pain where his appendix is.
Ow! The problem is obvious, he's stressed out by modern living.
Two jars of manuka honey vinegar and a cork yoga mat stat! I feel more relaxed already.
Healer Gwyneth, please help.
Let me guess, you have a disquieted aura? No, I've cut off my hand.
And you need to remember where you put it.
Oh.
I've got it, CBD-infused cucumber water.
About our therapies, $200 for a pelvic exercise pillow? If they're not overpriced, people won't believe in them.
Do you understand nothing about medicine? You're killing yourself for this hospital, Gwyneth.
- Brad! - Your eucalyptus infusium saved me from career-destroying self-doubt.
Now I want to save you.
Run away - with me before it's too late.
- I I Healer Gwyneth! - Gunshot wound.
- I'm sorry, it's too late.
You'll have to use traditional Western medicine.
Please no, anything but that.
Well, there is an experimental treatment.
You did it.
You're incredible.
commitment to the young people of our communities Hey, girl! Bet you think you're looking in a mirror.
Hello, Meghan.
Aren't you kind of old for cosplay? Oh, no, this is serious business.
When I heard about your movie, I had this brilliant idea, - I should play you! - And what's the brilliant part? If you're worried about the age difference, don't, they can age me up with tons of rubber and glue.
I'll sit in that makeup chair all day.
Look, I'm about to give an award to LeBron James, - we can talk about this later.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
When and where can we talk about this later? How about when "pigs fly" and where, "out of my ass.
" Location of my ass.
- Ready to start, Billie? - No, I hate this.
Life sucks.
Everyone's an asshole.
Why are men such dicks? - I'm bored, I wanna die.
- And we're done, another hit.
No, I hate this Life sucks Everyone's an asshole Why are men such dicks I wanna die.
Tiger Woods, yes, woo-hoo! Come on, I'm playing golf with Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods, everyone.
I'm so excited.
Unbelievable.
Yes! Thanks, James.
Three years ago, I thought my career was over.
Look at me now.
It's really exciting.
Oh, it's been amazing, mate.
Amazing! Yeah, conquered my addictions, and more importantly, my anger management issues.
Tiger Woods to tee off.
Yes, Tiger! This man beat his anger management issues.
And that's going left.
Uh-oh, Tiger's in the water hazard.
- Oh, shoot.
- Tiger, it's gone in the pool.
So we could play golf pool karaoke! Look at the stars Look how they shine It's Coldplay, Tiger, join in.
- I have to take my tee shot again.
- What an absolute ledge! Only you can do that.
Look at that swing.
Incredible! Four! And Tiger's hit a goose in the water.
He's killed a protected Canada goose.
- Please don't talk when I'm swinging.
- Whoops-a-daisy! - You're not angry or anything? - No.
I'm calm.
Anger is the demon.
Anger is the demon.
Tiger Woods, everybody! He missed the ball completely.
Ah! Shut up! - Ow! - Shut up, you goddamn loud-mouthed, limey asshole! Tiger is beating me up.
What an honour.
Officer, that black man attacked that white man.
- Hm, that's a tricky one.
- The white man is James Corden.
Oh, now it's easy.
Excuse me, Mr Woods.
Agh! American cops, best in the world! Argh! Am I right? C'est Govey en Paris C'est Govey en Paris.
I'm back in gay Paris, city of romance and unrequited Brexit deals.
Emmanuel! Emmanuel! Oh, Govey, I didn't expect you.
I've thought it over and I'm finally ready for you tonight.
Let's shaft the fishing community.
- And each other.
- Actually, Govey, things have become, as you would say, "hashtag complicated.
" Joe Biden.
Are you from the BBC? - I'm Irish.
- I want a relationship with no boundaries and so does Joe, and I would do anything to keep Joe happy.
- Er, no, no.
- Mon ami.
Whoa, Mr Licky.
- Your crepes suzettes.
- Oh, like pancakes a horse sat on.
So, is this the end of Govey in Paris? - Again? - I'm riding with Biden.
There's no drama with him.
He's setting fire to the pancakes.
Old Joe's got this.
What can I say, Govey? He makes me laugh.
C'est Govey en Paris What's good, cow? Universe treating you OK? You didn't touch your tofu.
Well, howdy! You must be the Mr West that done bought this ranch.
What is she? 6,000 acres? Hooey! Yeah, but I don't think in terms of size, you know? It's about ideas, ideas per square inch.
There's one, there's another one.
- You had one on your neck.
- Thank you.
So, what are you breeding here? - Angus? Hereford? Longhorn? - Shoehorn.
Oh, I get it.
You're gonna turn their hides into shoe leather for some fancy ten-dollar sneakers.
Na, too slow.
I got my scientists to just breed livestock to grow sneakers instead of feet.
That's my new Yeezy Boost 875.
Size ten-and-a-half, almost done.
Clip those off and boom, ready to go.
Holy crickets! You got giraffes too? Yeah, that's high-tops.
I didn't know giraffes could scream.
I like you.
When I'm next president, you can be secretary of pants and accessories.
I appreciate it.
I just got one question now, them steers mind terribly when you cut off their feet? Na, they love it.
We stick 'em on skateboards.
David, I've had a brilliant idea.
A new musical of the live-action Lion King.
But there's already a stage production.
Oh.
That was of the cartoon.
This would be of the live-action film.
- Right, how would it be different? - Well, I suppose, the main difference is there would be real lions on stage.
But how would you stop them going into the audience and eating them? Why can't you ever bring me solutions? All you ever bring me is problems.
Elton, I'm sorry.
I'll make it happen.
Hmph! Well.
That's the first opening night the critics have been savaged by the cast.
Shut up, David! You've ruined my dream again.
Once upon a time, there was a town called Hamelin.
People, we all know we have a rodent problem, but I propose we deal with it humanely.
After all, rats have rights too.
I'd like to introduce you to the Pied Piper.
He's going to lure the rats away without harm - using a penny whistle.
- Hi, guys.
Loving the vibe.
This is crazy.
There's only one sure way to deal with rats get some shotguns and shoot them.
No, we're going with Rupert and his penny whistle.
Our children! The Pied Piper took our children! If you got a rat problem, go for the guy with the gun.
The National Rifle Association the voice of reason! Now, over here I'm excavating my thousand-foot wide meditation crater.
Gonna have aromatherapy, sonic waves, and most important, the parabolic surface will project my thoughts and ideas into the universe.
Well, saddle my chicken, you're an independent thinker.
That's Wyoming speak for rich folks what's gone ding-dong.
Not so fast, partner.
You the sheriff round these parts? No, I'm from the Environmental Protection Agency - in Washington DC.
- A Federale! Mr West, you haven't filed the requisite paperwork to commence construction on this so-called "cosmic thought vibration projector.
" I didn't come to Wyoming to listen to some jackbooted federal agent.
Nice jackboots, by the way.
Thanks, that means something coming from you.
Look, it's purely a formality.
Just sign this form saying you won't harm any bison or antelope.
I'm gonna cut their feet off.
Is that OK? That's fine.
One small signature and I'm on my way.
Sorry, can't do it.
Can't see my way through it Now that I'm a westerner living on a a - What do you call it? - A ranch.
Damn! I was hoping it would rhyme with westerner.
Anyway, I gotta stand up for my conservative principles, building a solar-powered, nudist, vegan meditation crater.
And no liberal Washington EPA's gonna shut me down.
Get the fuck off my land! Namaste.
You're asking for big trouble, hombre.
If it's a showdown you want, it's a throw-down you got.
Bessie! - Roll him off the ranch.
- Er Wait, wait! Well, Michelle Obama blew you off and I had to listen to Quentin Tarantino.
- It's been a shit night! - I'm not giving up.
I want you to distract Michelle Obama so I can present that award to LeBron.
Then, when everyone's fooled, I reveal it's me, - they'll hand me that role on a plate! - Brilliant! But how do I distract Michelle? I don't know, with witty conversation or something.
Or something.
Hm.
Don't worry, Michelle, we're trying to save your movie.
Hi, everyone, what a great day.
Joe Biden won thanks to my endorsement, I've got a glass of my delicious Whatamana tequila and I'm gonna show you a really fun pandemic activity everyone is doing.
T-shirt tie-dying.
Let me guess.
You thought of a new way to push - your lame-ass clothing line.
- Kevin, please.
I'm just trying to share something fun.
Now, start by scrunching up a T-shirt.
You're gonna want to use a new The Rock brand tee.
I knew it! Kevin, let me show you just how fun tie-dying is.
Don't you scrunch me! Well, I am pretty.
And so, LeBron, please accept this plaque of gratitude.
Stop applauding this man.
Harry? Oh, I have got to move.
This woman is not Michelle Obama.
You have just witnessed the acting performance of a lifetime by my wife, Meghan Markle! Even I was fooled! Give us a kiss, love.
- You were fantastic.
- Get off me! - Wait, you're not Megs.
Who are you? - Security.
Open fire.
- I have my ending.
- Harry, you bagged me! Bloody hell, that was you! Either I'm an idiot or you're the greatest actress of all time.
Oh, Hairbrains, that is the sweetest thing you've ever said.
- I honestly mean it, Meghan - Sorry to interrupt, could I possibly have my humanitarian award? Argh!