Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e08 Episode Script
To Be Young, Gifted and Blank
1
[BAND PLAYING
"PETER AND THE WOLF"]
[PLAYING RANDOMLY]
[TAPPING BATON LOUDLY]
Jerri, could I see you at the
podium for a second, please?
You mean that crate
you're standing on?
[WHISPERING]
Yes.
Yes, Your Honor.
Jerri, I need crisp shots
to the timpani,
like you're striking
a lover's rump:
Hard enough to raise a welt,
yet soft enough that it
leaves no permanent scar
that might be used against
you in a court of law.
Understand?
All too well.
Good.
Ta ta da ta!
Ta ta da ta!
Watch the baton,
it's like a sheep,
it jumps the fence
and goes to sleep.
Got it? Do it!
[TAPPING BATON]
[DRUMMING LOUDLY]
God dammit!
Jerri
[STIFLED GRUNT]
Put the mallets down.
Put the mallet down
and never touch them again.
But
But!
You're out of the orchestra,
Jerri, I'm sorry.
What about the Tri-County
Musical Championships?
Maybe we have a shot
now that you're gone.
Look, that's it
for today, people.
We'll pick it up tomorrow where
Peter is mauled by the wolf.
10:00 a.m. sharp, people,
except for you, Jerri.
I'd like to see you
at a quarter after never.
[ONE LAST BOOM]
Geoffrey?
[JERRI BLOWING TRUMPET LAMELY]
[PLAYING VIOLIN PERFECTLY]
Uggghh!
Jerri!?
[BLOWING AIR]
Jerri!
Who taught you
how to play violin?
This?
No, Jerri
This.
Oh, the stringy paddle?
Yes, Jerri, the stringy paddle.
I've never played before
Did I do good?
You did better than good, Jerri.
You did
Gooder.
Maybe I should go
tell Mr. Jellineck.
No, Jerri, that's
All right.
I'll tell him.
You you run along
and have fun.
Take care of those hands, Jerri.
They're my future.
This violin belonged to
your grandfather.
After he died it
was given to your father,
and we all know what happened
to your father.
Now it's yours.
Play, Charles, play!
Play, Charles, play.
[SOBBING LOUDLY]
Oh, your health club called,
and you left your tape recorder
in the "ass blaster."
They said you can
pick it up anytime.
Ahhhh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh, hmm, who's that?
Stay still, I'll get it.
Oh, Mr. Noblet.
Mrs. Blank.
Umm may I come in?
Oh certainly, come on in.
Just, uh, stay on the runner.
JERRI:
Mr. Noblet!
Jerri.
Here, we're in
the other room, come on.
Mr. Blank, Mrs. Blank,
I stopped by today because
I've recently discovered
that your child is
special.
Yes, Derrick has always
been exceptional.
I was actually
speaking of Jerri.
Oh, that kind
of "special."
We know.
Our little fudgepot
has made a brave effort
to fit in with all the
normal students.
You misunderstand me.
Jerri here has
a very precious gift.
And, without your permission,
I'd like to take her
under my wing
and make it mine.
Well, if Jerri has a gift,
she certainly hasn't
unwrapped it.
That's good.
What is it?
Jerri is a violin prodigy.
Aahhhhh!!
[CRASH]
Daddy!
Guy!
Mr. Noblet,
you better go.
My husband does not allow
violin playing in this house.
Mr. Blank
Ah! De, de, de,
the runner!
Go, go!
Please!
Daddy, please!
Can I please play the violin?
Is that not what you
don't want me not to do?
Look, Daddy, I'm sorry
but I gotta do this.
Mr. Noblet says it's my one
chance to be something I'm not
and will never be.
NOBLET: This violin
has passed down
a long line of
great musicians, Jerri.
It was my grandfather's, then my father's
and finally it was passed down to me,
and I, in turn
Am going to keep it.
It's really beautiful.
I know.
This is what you're gonna play.
It's made of drywall, or
something, I'm not sure.
But that's not important.
The important thing is
This one's mine
all mine.
Say, Jerri, let's strike
a little bargain.
You put in all the time
and all the hard work necessary
to win the Tri-County Music
Championships
and I promise, in return,
to take all the credit.
Jerri
Hello, Chuck.
Geoffrey.
Your little history fingers
must be all gooey
from sticking them
in my musical pie.
[SNICKERING]
Jerri, you're gonna be late
for orchestra practice.
Why don't you run along.
But you kicked me off.
Well, I'm kicking you back on.
Stay where you are.
You had your chance, Geoffrey.
Now she's mine.
Jerri's not something
you capture, Chuck.
You're like a bear trap
who's caught its prey,
but don't be surprised if she
gnaws her own limb off to get away.
I don't think that's
gonna happen.
Oh, and why not?
Have you seen her teeth?
They're practically nubs.
She'd never make it
through the bone.
You
Jerri's life should not be
about you, Chuck.
It should be about me.
So think about why
you're doing this,
and what it's doing to us.
Charles!
You were out playing ball?
The violin.
[WOODPECKER PECKING]
Oh, Gregory.
How's my favorite little
woodpecker, huh?
So what's it like
sharing a locker
with a child prodigy, huh?
From now on this violin
is my whole life.
Jerri.
Jerri, you wanna go
throw stuff off the overpass?
Hey, yeah, we could
throw this off!
Hey, I know where we could
get some cinder blocks.
Where?
From that Jew
Oh, listen, Orlando
I can't spend any time
with you today.
I have to go
practice this thing.
I was already brilliant at
without any practice.
Well, Jerri, our friendship
was a lot more special to you
before you became
so special.
Cat scratch fever
ran away ♪
Hi, Jerri.
How was your first day
being an idiot savant?
Wonderful, Stepmother
My life's going so much better
than your real child Derrick's.
Ohh, I just thought
this little hobby of yours
is starting to cut
into your chores.
Chores!?
I'm a child prodigy!
Well, you have your whole life
to be a child prodigy.
Right now you've got some
work to do, young lady.
But Mr. Noblet says that
I have to watch my hands.
Well, you can watch your hands
as they brush the cat's teeth.
Scabbie's teeth!?
Oooogh!!
[MEOWING]
C'mon, Scabbie
[CAT GROWLING]
Jerri, today we're gonna work on
"Bachianas Brazilieras #5"
by Villa-Lobos.
The first n
God, what a beautiful day.
Nope! Nope! Nope!
Nope! Not there!
Owww!
Play!
My God, my hands!
They're my hands.
What's the difference?
What happened!
I had to do some chores.
That is it, you are
coming to live with me!
What?
You are beyond chores, Jerri.
You are a musical genius
and I am the only one
who can help you realize
my dreams of yours
The violin is
a precious instrument.
It's a gift from God that
allows us to turn raw feelings
and personal information
into a valuable
[KIDS PLAYING OUTSIDE]
Jerri?
Jerri!
But I want to have fun.
Hey, we all want to have fun.
I'm a fun guy!
But we've gotta stay
focused right now, Jerri.
We can't let any outside
distractions creep in!
God, I'm famished.
You practice, I'm gonna
get a turkey wrap.
[WHISPERING]
Crazy!
[PLAYING BEAUTIFULLY]
JELLINECK: My car!! Get away!!
[SOBBING]
NOBLET:
Jerri!
[NO VOICE]
Listen, will you watch Gregory,
while I go pack a few things?
Sure, Jerri.
Be careful
[TWEETING]
Shhhh, shhhh.
Be a minute.
[BIRD SCREECHING & FLAPPING]
JERRI: Well
guess I'm all packed.
Hey, plug, I just
got 37 in a row.
I guess I'm a genius too!
Yeah, at jerking off.
Oh, Jerri, it's never
an easy time for a mother
when a child flies the nest.
The thought of
Derrick leaving home
makes me want to weep.
[SIGH]
Bye, Jerri.
Oh, I wanted to give you this.
[GASP] Oh Mother, what is it?
It's the laundry.
I was hoping you would
drop it off at the cleaners.
Bye-ee.
Daddy, I'm leaving now.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I sure wish I had your blessing.
Daddy, please say something.
I know you haven't touched
the violin since Mother died
when I ran away 32 years ago.
I should go.
[HORN CONTINUES]
I'll see ya.
[CAR HORN HONKING FRANTICALLY]
All set?
I guess
Hey, where's Gregory?
Oh, he he got sleepy,
so I put him in
the glove compartment.
Well, here we are.
Jerri, this is where all
the hard work begins.
Are you ready to
sacrifice everything?
No.
Great!
Let's get started.
[PEOPLE CHEERING ON T.V.]
[NOISEMAKER RATTLES]
Happy New Year, Jerri.
Do you have any resolutions?
Yeah, to move back
To win the Tri-County
Music Championships.
Yes, this is mine also.
Let's practice!
Look, Mr. Noblet, you only
get one chance at childhood,
and I don't wanna miss out
on it a second time.
Y'know, I've really had it.
I should've listened
to my daddy.
Jerri, you have a very
precious gift.
Well, if it's so precious,
why don't you take it?!
Believe me, Jerri, if I could
hack off your arms
and attach them to
my own torso, I would.
What a team I'd make!
You're crazy.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm gonna get that.
You do some scales.
Practice!
Happy New Year, Chuck.
Happy New Year, Geoffrey.
I got you this fun bucket
of assorted popcorn.
Thanks.
It's late, Chuck,
what do you want?
Why don't you tell me, Geoffrey?
Since you seem to know
what's best for everyone.
I've come to stop the madness.
Stay out of this.
I'm already in it.
Stay out of this!
Mr. Jellineck?!
You're pushing her too hard.
Who do think you're kidding!?
The only reason you don't
want her to compete
is that when we win tomorrow
you're gonna look like a fool!
Yes, I will.
But even if you do win, Chuck,
it won't change the reason
why you don't play violin,
will it?!
Why don't you play the violin?
Why don't you tell her, Chuck?
Or maybe I should.
Shut up.
Tell her, Chuck!
Shut up!
Then I'll say it!
The reason you don't play
violin is
Shut up!
Shut uuuuu-up!!!
Play the violin.
[PLAYING HORRIBLY]
You don't
know how!!
Aaaarrrrrgggghh!!!
You bastard!
Oh God!
C'mon, c'mon!
Show me how you
can't play, Chuck!
Argh, aghhh
Arrrghhh!
You like that?!
Do you like that?!
Play, Chuck!
Go ahead, play!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
You son
Of-a
Bitch!
You!
[PLAYING "FÜR ELISE"]
Ahhh, thank you
Christopher Surles
of Charlaton Elementary.
Ye-ouch, don't quit
your day job.
Heh, heh, hah
Get off!
And now, for the moment
we've all been waiting for,
Flatpoint High's own,
Geraldine Antonia Blank!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
There seems to be
some problem.
Uhhh, I'll be back in a shortly.
Where is she, Noblet?
[NO VOICE]
The school's honor
is riding on this.
[WHISPERING]
He doesn't know!
AUDIENCE:
Jerri, Jerri, Jerri
All right, settle down,
you jackals.
It is with deep regret,
that Flatpoint High's
resident shoo-in will not
I've got something to say!
I've got something to say!
I'm sure you all came
to hear me express my genius.
But I'm not here
to express myself.
I'm here to say something.
I've learned that the violin
is an evil instrument
that tears people apart.
It tore me away
from my friends
It tore apart the oddly close
relationship of these teachers
who are both married
with children
And most important,
it tore me away from
my dear, loving father.
Daddy, wherever you are,
you were right.
Music is bad, and
I'll never play again.
So happy new year.
[VIOLIN PLAYS]
Daddy?
[VIOLIN AGAIN]
Daddy, you're playing!
Give me that, you troll!
[DAD] ♪
♪
♪
♪
Mr. Noblet?
["PSYCHO" STRINGS]
Go ahead, Chuck, you can.
You can do it!
[JERRI] ♪
[JERRI] ♪
[PLAYS HORRIBLY]
I can play!
I can play!
That's good, you can play.
[PLAYING HOEDOWN MUSIC]
[BOTH PLAYING BADLY]
[ALL PLAYING BADLY]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[BAND PLAYING
"PETER AND THE WOLF"]
[PLAYING RANDOMLY]
[TAPPING BATON LOUDLY]
Jerri, could I see you at the
podium for a second, please?
You mean that crate
you're standing on?
[WHISPERING]
Yes.
Yes, Your Honor.
Jerri, I need crisp shots
to the timpani,
like you're striking
a lover's rump:
Hard enough to raise a welt,
yet soft enough that it
leaves no permanent scar
that might be used against
you in a court of law.
Understand?
All too well.
Good.
Ta ta da ta!
Ta ta da ta!
Watch the baton,
it's like a sheep,
it jumps the fence
and goes to sleep.
Got it? Do it!
[TAPPING BATON]
[DRUMMING LOUDLY]
God dammit!
Jerri
[STIFLED GRUNT]
Put the mallets down.
Put the mallet down
and never touch them again.
But
But!
You're out of the orchestra,
Jerri, I'm sorry.
What about the Tri-County
Musical Championships?
Maybe we have a shot
now that you're gone.
Look, that's it
for today, people.
We'll pick it up tomorrow where
Peter is mauled by the wolf.
10:00 a.m. sharp, people,
except for you, Jerri.
I'd like to see you
at a quarter after never.
[ONE LAST BOOM]
Geoffrey?
[JERRI BLOWING TRUMPET LAMELY]
[PLAYING VIOLIN PERFECTLY]
Uggghh!
Jerri!?
[BLOWING AIR]
Jerri!
Who taught you
how to play violin?
This?
No, Jerri
This.
Oh, the stringy paddle?
Yes, Jerri, the stringy paddle.
I've never played before
Did I do good?
You did better than good, Jerri.
You did
Gooder.
Maybe I should go
tell Mr. Jellineck.
No, Jerri, that's
All right.
I'll tell him.
You you run along
and have fun.
Take care of those hands, Jerri.
They're my future.
This violin belonged to
your grandfather.
After he died it
was given to your father,
and we all know what happened
to your father.
Now it's yours.
Play, Charles, play!
Play, Charles, play.
[SOBBING LOUDLY]
Oh, your health club called,
and you left your tape recorder
in the "ass blaster."
They said you can
pick it up anytime.
Ahhhh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ooh, hmm, who's that?
Stay still, I'll get it.
Oh, Mr. Noblet.
Mrs. Blank.
Umm may I come in?
Oh certainly, come on in.
Just, uh, stay on the runner.
JERRI:
Mr. Noblet!
Jerri.
Here, we're in
the other room, come on.
Mr. Blank, Mrs. Blank,
I stopped by today because
I've recently discovered
that your child is
special.
Yes, Derrick has always
been exceptional.
I was actually
speaking of Jerri.
Oh, that kind
of "special."
We know.
Our little fudgepot
has made a brave effort
to fit in with all the
normal students.
You misunderstand me.
Jerri here has
a very precious gift.
And, without your permission,
I'd like to take her
under my wing
and make it mine.
Well, if Jerri has a gift,
she certainly hasn't
unwrapped it.
That's good.
What is it?
Jerri is a violin prodigy.
Aahhhhh!!
[CRASH]
Daddy!
Guy!
Mr. Noblet,
you better go.
My husband does not allow
violin playing in this house.
Mr. Blank
Ah! De, de, de,
the runner!
Go, go!
Please!
Daddy, please!
Can I please play the violin?
Is that not what you
don't want me not to do?
Look, Daddy, I'm sorry
but I gotta do this.
Mr. Noblet says it's my one
chance to be something I'm not
and will never be.
NOBLET: This violin
has passed down
a long line of
great musicians, Jerri.
It was my grandfather's, then my father's
and finally it was passed down to me,
and I, in turn
Am going to keep it.
It's really beautiful.
I know.
This is what you're gonna play.
It's made of drywall, or
something, I'm not sure.
But that's not important.
The important thing is
This one's mine
all mine.
Say, Jerri, let's strike
a little bargain.
You put in all the time
and all the hard work necessary
to win the Tri-County Music
Championships
and I promise, in return,
to take all the credit.
Jerri
Hello, Chuck.
Geoffrey.
Your little history fingers
must be all gooey
from sticking them
in my musical pie.
[SNICKERING]
Jerri, you're gonna be late
for orchestra practice.
Why don't you run along.
But you kicked me off.
Well, I'm kicking you back on.
Stay where you are.
You had your chance, Geoffrey.
Now she's mine.
Jerri's not something
you capture, Chuck.
You're like a bear trap
who's caught its prey,
but don't be surprised if she
gnaws her own limb off to get away.
I don't think that's
gonna happen.
Oh, and why not?
Have you seen her teeth?
They're practically nubs.
She'd never make it
through the bone.
You
Jerri's life should not be
about you, Chuck.
It should be about me.
So think about why
you're doing this,
and what it's doing to us.
Charles!
You were out playing ball?
The violin.
[WOODPECKER PECKING]
Oh, Gregory.
How's my favorite little
woodpecker, huh?
So what's it like
sharing a locker
with a child prodigy, huh?
From now on this violin
is my whole life.
Jerri.
Jerri, you wanna go
throw stuff off the overpass?
Hey, yeah, we could
throw this off!
Hey, I know where we could
get some cinder blocks.
Where?
From that Jew
Oh, listen, Orlando
I can't spend any time
with you today.
I have to go
practice this thing.
I was already brilliant at
without any practice.
Well, Jerri, our friendship
was a lot more special to you
before you became
so special.
Cat scratch fever
ran away ♪
Hi, Jerri.
How was your first day
being an idiot savant?
Wonderful, Stepmother
My life's going so much better
than your real child Derrick's.
Ohh, I just thought
this little hobby of yours
is starting to cut
into your chores.
Chores!?
I'm a child prodigy!
Well, you have your whole life
to be a child prodigy.
Right now you've got some
work to do, young lady.
But Mr. Noblet says that
I have to watch my hands.
Well, you can watch your hands
as they brush the cat's teeth.
Scabbie's teeth!?
Oooogh!!
[MEOWING]
C'mon, Scabbie
[CAT GROWLING]
Jerri, today we're gonna work on
"Bachianas Brazilieras #5"
by Villa-Lobos.
The first n
God, what a beautiful day.
Nope! Nope! Nope!
Nope! Not there!
Owww!
Play!
My God, my hands!
They're my hands.
What's the difference?
What happened!
I had to do some chores.
That is it, you are
coming to live with me!
What?
You are beyond chores, Jerri.
You are a musical genius
and I am the only one
who can help you realize
my dreams of yours
The violin is
a precious instrument.
It's a gift from God that
allows us to turn raw feelings
and personal information
into a valuable
[KIDS PLAYING OUTSIDE]
Jerri?
Jerri!
But I want to have fun.
Hey, we all want to have fun.
I'm a fun guy!
But we've gotta stay
focused right now, Jerri.
We can't let any outside
distractions creep in!
God, I'm famished.
You practice, I'm gonna
get a turkey wrap.
[WHISPERING]
Crazy!
[PLAYING BEAUTIFULLY]
JELLINECK: My car!! Get away!!
[SOBBING]
NOBLET:
Jerri!
[NO VOICE]
Listen, will you watch Gregory,
while I go pack a few things?
Sure, Jerri.
Be careful
[TWEETING]
Shhhh, shhhh.
Be a minute.
[BIRD SCREECHING & FLAPPING]
JERRI: Well
guess I'm all packed.
Hey, plug, I just
got 37 in a row.
I guess I'm a genius too!
Yeah, at jerking off.
Oh, Jerri, it's never
an easy time for a mother
when a child flies the nest.
The thought of
Derrick leaving home
makes me want to weep.
[SIGH]
Bye, Jerri.
Oh, I wanted to give you this.
[GASP] Oh Mother, what is it?
It's the laundry.
I was hoping you would
drop it off at the cleaners.
Bye-ee.
Daddy, I'm leaving now.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
I sure wish I had your blessing.
Daddy, please say something.
I know you haven't touched
the violin since Mother died
when I ran away 32 years ago.
I should go.
[HORN CONTINUES]
I'll see ya.
[CAR HORN HONKING FRANTICALLY]
All set?
I guess
Hey, where's Gregory?
Oh, he he got sleepy,
so I put him in
the glove compartment.
Well, here we are.
Jerri, this is where all
the hard work begins.
Are you ready to
sacrifice everything?
No.
Great!
Let's get started.
[PEOPLE CHEERING ON T.V.]
[NOISEMAKER RATTLES]
Happy New Year, Jerri.
Do you have any resolutions?
Yeah, to move back
To win the Tri-County
Music Championships.
Yes, this is mine also.
Let's practice!
Look, Mr. Noblet, you only
get one chance at childhood,
and I don't wanna miss out
on it a second time.
Y'know, I've really had it.
I should've listened
to my daddy.
Jerri, you have a very
precious gift.
Well, if it's so precious,
why don't you take it?!
Believe me, Jerri, if I could
hack off your arms
and attach them to
my own torso, I would.
What a team I'd make!
You're crazy.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm gonna get that.
You do some scales.
Practice!
Happy New Year, Chuck.
Happy New Year, Geoffrey.
I got you this fun bucket
of assorted popcorn.
Thanks.
It's late, Chuck,
what do you want?
Why don't you tell me, Geoffrey?
Since you seem to know
what's best for everyone.
I've come to stop the madness.
Stay out of this.
I'm already in it.
Stay out of this!
Mr. Jellineck?!
You're pushing her too hard.
Who do think you're kidding!?
The only reason you don't
want her to compete
is that when we win tomorrow
you're gonna look like a fool!
Yes, I will.
But even if you do win, Chuck,
it won't change the reason
why you don't play violin,
will it?!
Why don't you play the violin?
Why don't you tell her, Chuck?
Or maybe I should.
Shut up.
Tell her, Chuck!
Shut up!
Then I'll say it!
The reason you don't play
violin is
Shut up!
Shut uuuuu-up!!!
Play the violin.
[PLAYING HORRIBLY]
You don't
know how!!
Aaaarrrrrgggghh!!!
You bastard!
Oh God!
C'mon, c'mon!
Show me how you
can't play, Chuck!
Argh, aghhh
Arrrghhh!
You like that?!
Do you like that?!
Play, Chuck!
Go ahead, play!
Jerri!
Jerri!
Jerri!
You son
Of-a
Bitch!
You!
[PLAYING "FÜR ELISE"]
Ahhh, thank you
Christopher Surles
of Charlaton Elementary.
Ye-ouch, don't quit
your day job.
Heh, heh, hah
Get off!
And now, for the moment
we've all been waiting for,
Flatpoint High's own,
Geraldine Antonia Blank!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
There seems to be
some problem.
Uhhh, I'll be back in a shortly.
Where is she, Noblet?
[NO VOICE]
The school's honor
is riding on this.
[WHISPERING]
He doesn't know!
AUDIENCE:
Jerri, Jerri, Jerri
All right, settle down,
you jackals.
It is with deep regret,
that Flatpoint High's
resident shoo-in will not
I've got something to say!
I've got something to say!
I'm sure you all came
to hear me express my genius.
But I'm not here
to express myself.
I'm here to say something.
I've learned that the violin
is an evil instrument
that tears people apart.
It tore me away
from my friends
It tore apart the oddly close
relationship of these teachers
who are both married
with children
And most important,
it tore me away from
my dear, loving father.
Daddy, wherever you are,
you were right.
Music is bad, and
I'll never play again.
So happy new year.
[VIOLIN PLAYS]
Daddy?
[VIOLIN AGAIN]
Daddy, you're playing!
Give me that, you troll!
[DAD] ♪
♪
♪
♪
Mr. Noblet?
["PSYCHO" STRINGS]
Go ahead, Chuck, you can.
You can do it!
[JERRI] ♪
[JERRI] ♪
[PLAYS HORRIBLY]
I can play!
I can play!
That's good, you can play.
[PLAYING HOEDOWN MUSIC]
[BOTH PLAYING BADLY]
[ALL PLAYING BADLY]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]