Sullivan and Son (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

What are you guys up to? Oh, he's doing my will.
- Didn't you do that last week? - Yes, we did.
And the week before.
This is revision three of draft six.
I'm so glad I'm doing this for free.
So, for my birthday this year, my daughter Linda kind of phoned it in.
Last year, she sent me a card where you open it up, and a frog sang to you.
This year, I got one of those UNICEF cards.
It's not even birthday-themed.
So she's out.
Okay, daughter Linda now out.
And I want you to put in when I die, I want to be frozen.
And when they figure out what I died from, I want them to thaw me out.
Why would you want to come back, Hank? Everybody you know will be dead.
Yes, and I want to be able to enjoy that.
Got it.
- We done? No more changes? - We're done.
Isn't it kind of pricy to get yourself frozen? Dad, you're not helping.
Look, put in if I can't afford to be frozen, just freeze my head and stick it on a robot body.
Robot body.
Got it.
- Now we done? - Yeah.
No.
Wait.
Aww.
My daughter's 8-year-old just sent me a funny text.
So let's leave her my antique swords.
You know what, Hank? I'm gonna leave those to me.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Doug, who's that guy over there? I don't know.
Did it suddenly get really hot in here? You kidding? It's freezing.
You could hang keys off my nipples.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
But for the last couple of days, I've been hot, then cold, freezing, and then sweaty.
Sounds to me like you're about to make a move on your kid's babysitter.
Or is that just me? Maybe I'm coming down with something.
Melanie, is there something going around? No, but it sounds like you had a hot flash.
It might bemenopause.
Menopause is for old ladies.
I still get Brazilians -- the wax and the men.
Carol, don't be upset.
Menopause is the best thing.
It's the gift that stops giving.
- So, Ok Cha, you went through the change? - Yeah.
After Susan was born, I willed it on myself.
I turned my ovaries to dust With this.
Look, Carol, here are the symptoms.
Decide for yourself if you're going through menopause.
Hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue, forgetfulness, bloating, breast tenderness.
Oh, my God.
I've got menopause.
Now, Steve, I know you're gonna get mad at me.
You want to change your will again, don't you? Yeah.
I want to put my daughter Linda back in.
She just sent me a box of cigars -- diamond crowns, the best.
So she's back in the will.
But you can take my son Willie out.
He just sent me a picture of his kids.
Can't smoke that.
Done.
Yeah, but you didn't write it down.
I don't need to write it down, because I knew you'd change your mind.
That's why I never took Linda out.
I never put Willie back in.
Fine, well, if you're such a great mind reader, - take Linda out and put Willie back in.
- Done.
- Now reverse it.
- Done.
Damn, you're good.
Hey, Hank, are we in your will? Well, I have a set of four beer mugs with girls in bikinis on them.
And when the mugs get cold, the bikinis go away.
Those would be cool.
- They're yours.
- Thanks, Hank.
I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to Hank's funeral.
Hi, everyone.
Carol, you Look comfortable.
What the hell's wrong with her? She looks like one of the golden girls.
Well, I went on the Webmd yesterday and I plugged in all my symptoms.
And no matter how I described them, they all came up menopause.
Either that or I was bit by a deer tick that went extinct Did you guys hear? I got bit by a deer tick.
So, congratulations, everybody.
You were right, and I was wrong.
I'm just a foolish old lady who stayed at the party too long.
- Carol, that's not true.
- Yes, it is.
You've probably been laughing at me for years.
Let's face it -- I'm a cougar.
More like a mastodon.
No, no, you're right.
And I can't believe the way I used to dress.
Who was I kidding? This is what I should have been wearing.
Now I can blend in with all the other old, invisible ladies.
You're not invisible.
You're a beautiful woman.
Yeah, mom, you're still hip.
Remember last week? You were talking about getting a tattoo? Let's get you that tramp stamp.
Owen, I can't get a tramp stamp because, unfortunately, I'm not a tramp anymore.
Yes, you are, mom.
Carol, I know exactly how you feel.
I don't know if you know this, but I suffer from low self-esteem.
And whenever I'm feeling low, I just give myself a makeover.
Yeah, I could do that for you, too.
Oh, that's sweet of you Susan, but I don't know why you have low self-esteem.
Susan, everything you're wearing right now is unattractive.
I just want you to know that.
Yeah.
It's a mystery.
Carol.
Now you listen to me.
You are the resident hottie.
Every year, you bring guys into the bar.
We -- we wouldn't have a business plan without you.
Oh, that's very sweet of you to say, Jack.
I'm not trying to be sweet.
I'm just trying to make a buck.
Now, look at yourself.
What do you see? I look old.
You're not old.
I guess my eyes are still okay.
Your eyes are beautiful.
Oh, maybe if I did this to them.
And maybe my face would look younger if I pulled it back like this.
How do I look? Like a sea bass.
Well, maybe if I had my neck done.
Hey, fellas, can you help me out? Smooth out my neck, would you? And somebody pull my ears back.
Yeah, yeah, that's it, just like that.
Now how do I look? Takes less people to work a muppet.
Yeah, yeah, maybe I'm feeling it now.
Maybe that's all I need.
I just need to get a little work done.
Why does our culture do this to older women? Am I the only one that thinks they're hot exactly the way they are? Yeah, you're the only one.
And while I'm at it, maybe I should get the balcony lifted.
Any help? Oh, yeah.
That's a lot better.
And they can fix your butt, too, huh? Hey, Steve, lift my ass, will you? Not too high.
I want to look natural.
What's going on? I-I'm getting a little cosmetic surgery.
What do you think? I think everybody should stop touching you.
Father Perry, seriously? That's crazy.
It's not about what's on the outside.
It's what you feel on the inside.
Oh, yeah, maybe you're right, Steve.
- I read about that procedure.
- What procedure? Vaginal rejuvenation.
- How do they even do that? - Oh, I don't know.
With lasers and whatnot.
The point is, if I'm doing the balcony, I might as well do the orchestra pit.
I mean, that's where the music happens.
Mom, I am totally down with your rejuvenation.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Now, I'm gonna cash in my 401 And I'm gonna see how much money I can get for my car and then I'm gonna hire the best doctor in Mexico.
Let me help.
I'll sell my bike and my playstation.
Hell, I'll kick in.
Steve, take my daughter Linda out of my will and put everything I was gonna give to her into Carol's vagina.
Good night, Ahmed.
Good night.
Hey, Carol, can I say something? Sure.
Stop me if I'm out of line.
It's just I've known you my whole life, and I hate to see you do this to yourself.
I'm not.
I'm getting a Mexican doctor.
Don't do this surgery thing.
It's a waste of your money.
You don't need it.
Oh, that's nice of you to say, but once I get things spruced up, I'll really be something.
You are already something.
There's nothing to fix.
I've got wrinkles.
Your wrinkles are every smile you've ever smiled, every laugh you've ever laughed.
They only make you more beautiful.
Why would you want to erase them? It kills me that when you look in the mirror, you don't see what I'm seeing right now -- the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world.
Oh, well, I'm -- I'm just -- well Hello.
Hey, Melanie, you're in the, uh -- the medical profession.
What should I do about this, uh, deer-tick problem? You were not bitten by a deer tick, Doug.
Well, then how come I have night sweats and hot flashes? 'Cause you're a middle-aged man with kids, alimony, and no money? True, yes.
But, uh, what about the -- the breast tenderness? Well, as a man grows older, his testosterone level goes down and his estrogen level goes up.
You could be growing boobs.
Really? Yeah.
Sorry.
No, no, I like boobs.
Excuse me while I touch them.
Steve, what drink do you give a woman who realizes she doesn't need plastic surgery to be sexy? Any drink she wants.
Well, this one wants a Martini, 'cause, baby, I'm back.
Carol, I'm glad to hear it.
How do you want your Martini? Dirty and wet Just like last night.
Oh, mom, tell me everything.
Was your relationship with your mom like this? It is a peculiar relationship.
They aren't so much mother and son as they are friends without benefits.
Hmm.
I'm just psyched that you're back in business.
Yeah.
I'm a brand-new woman.
Me too.
Hey, guys.
Beer, please.
Hey, Ahmed, you hear about my mom? Met a guy last night, turned it around for her.
Cool.
Congratulations, Carol.
Thanks, Ahmed.
Actually, mom, I was a little worried about you.
I tried calling you a bunch of times, but you didn't answer.
Well, that's weird.
I had my phone with me.
Oh, maybe something's wrong.
Let me try calling you.
Ahmed, that's so weird.
You have the same ringtone as my mom.
We must have gotten the phones mixed up at the bar.
Not anywhere else.
Right.
She got her groove back from him? My money was on the black guy.
Can we talk for a second? Please tell me you did not sleep with Carol.
I didn't.
- Good.
- I made love to Carol.
What?! Are you out of your mind?! There is one general rule of society that is accepted by all -- don't bang your friend's mom.
We discussed this exact scenario, remember? Middle school, recess.
After Roy got a boner watching Carol wash her car, we made a pact -- nobody sleeps with Carol.
She was on the hood.
It was like a music video.
Guys, Carol was about to do something crazy.
And you know what? What I did wasn't wrong.
It was totally right.
Let me say this one more time.
It's never right.
If you slept with my mom, I'd kill you.
Yeah, ooh, right.
Pass.
My mom is a very attractive woman.
She -- wait, what am I saying? It doesn't matter whether you think it's right or wrong.
You can't tell Owen.
He will freak.
How do we not tell him? I mean, these things come out.
This thing won't.
We bury it.
It's done.
It never happened.
Well, what are we gonna do? Spend the rest of our lives trying to fool Owen? It's doable.
Guys, it doesn't matter.
I'm going to tell Owen.
I like Carol.
Maybe last night wasn't a one-night thing.
What is she gonna be? Your girlfriend? Maybe and hopefully more.
And you guys will respect that when you come over for Christmas.
We've come a long way from my boner.
Owen, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
You know that guy that your mom was with last night? The one that kind of changed her whole outlook? Yeah.
It was me.
What? I'm the guy.
And I know it's weird and I know we made a pact and I'm sorry, but what happened last night happened.
And I just want you to know that it was really special.
Well, I really appreciate you telling me.
We're cool.
Wow.
T-thanks, Owen.
No, no, thank you for helping my mom.
Listen, I got some things I got to take care of.
I'll see you guys later.
And, Ahmed, thanks again.
Wow.
That went better than I thought.
Back in my day, when a guy screwed your mother, we didn't shake his hand.
We chopped it off.
Back in Korea, we didn't chop off his hand.
You know, in a weird way, Ahmed, you are literally a mo-fo.
Mom, please.
I brought all my stuff, and now Carol doesn't want a makeover.
Let me just give you one.
Susan, I don't want to wear a lot of makeup.
I don't want to look like a private dancer.
That chapter of my life is over.
- What? - Nothing.
Silence! So, no one's gonna let me do this? What about me? - Hank? - Why not? A lot of men are paying attention to grooming lately.
That's right.
They are.
Yeah, I could use some sprucing up.
I was thinking of letting my eyebrows grow and combing them back.
But I'm guessing that's not a solution.
Hank, trust me -- I will make you look great.
All right, I don't want to be a movie star.
I just want to be a Pittsburgh 9.
I mean, I know Carol's hot and all, but if I had to choose, I'd choose Steve's mom.
Thanks, man.
Wait, what am I saying? But that's only if I forgot the cardinal rule -- bros before mos.
You know, it's still kind of weird how okay Owen was with this.
What's weird about it? We're not kids anymore.
What the hell? Are you kidding me? That's my mother! Well, I guess it is an eye for an eye and a mom for a mom.
Here you go, Mrs.
Nassar.
Could I get you a drink? You said you take me to bazaar.
Ha ha.
Look at you playing hard to get.
Hi, mom.
Hello, Ahmed.
Owen, can I talk to you for a minute? I'll be right back.
What do you think you're doing? You banged my mom.
I'm gonna bang yours.
You said you were okay with it.
How could I be okay with it? We had a pact -- middle school, recess, jungle gym, Roy's boner! You should be thanking me.
I made your mom feel beautiful.
She doesn't want a new vagina because of me.
Ahmed, you don't talk about another guy's mom's vagina.
Well, it's true.
Oh, yeah.
You're a real hero, Ahmed.
Steve, I got this.
Oh, yeah.
You're a real hero, Ahmed.
If you touch my mom, I will kill you.
You started it.
It's not the same.
Your mom is single.
My mom is married -- to my dad! Well, he doesn't appreciate her the way I do.
She has needs, Ahmed, needs that aren't being met.
This is so bizarre.
We go to bazaar? In a minute, sweetheart.
Ahmed! Ahmed! We all know Owen's not gonna sleep with your mom.
Yes, I am! Just as soon as I figure out what she's saying.
Hey, let's settle this thing according to the pact.
Owen, you get one punch to the face or the nuts.
Personally, I'd go for the nuts.
Agreed.
I'm good with that.
Let's get it over with.
Okay, all right.
Face or nuts? Face or nuts? Face or nuts? Whoa, hey, hey.
I saw a movie like this once.
Wait, no, sorry.
That was "face on nuts.
" Continue.
But, remember, once you get your punch in, it's over.
You two shake hands.
Wait, I'm not gonna do it, 'cause I don't want this to be over.
The only thing I want over is our friendship.
- Wait, you can't do that.
- Don't talk to me.
Come on, Owen, take your shot.
I don't want to.
Just hit me in the face or the nuts.
I don't care! I said no.
Actually, nuts would be better.
I'm still numb down there from last night.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Thanks.
Owen, you got to do it.
Shake his hand.
I don't want to.
Owen, listen to me.
I want to keep seeing your mom.
And, hey, I could be a cool stepdad.
We can go bowling.
I'll take you and your friends out for pizza.
You are my friends.
Hey, guys.
What's wrong? Everyone looks so serious.
I know you slept with Ahmed, mom.
Oh, don't worry about it, honey.
It was just a one-night thing.
It was? I thought we had something special.
We did.
It was a beautiful night.
And it was just what I needed.
Then why does it have to stop here? Well, don't you guys have a boner pact? Yes, but Owen punched me in the nuts, so we can be together.
I'm sorry, Ahmed.
Sleeping with my son's friend is one thing, but a relationship? That would be inappropriate.
Suddenly, she knows what's inappropriate.
I can't believe this.
I've always really liked you.
And I've always liked you.
And we'll always have last night.
And I'm so grateful that you reminded me that I'm beautiful, wrinkles and all.
You okay? Not really.
I've seen it a million times, buddy.
My mom -- she's like a rainbow.
She's for everyone to enjoy but no one to possess.
Thanks, man.
You bet.
That's what I wanted to see.
Can we go to bazaar now? You want to take your mom? No.
You dragged her out of the house.
You take her to the bazaar.
Okay.
I think I'm done.
Can I look now? Before you do, I want you to know something.
I might have gone a little overboard.
Well, did you get all the nose hairs? 'Cause it looked like I had a labradoodle up there.
Yeah, I got everything, plus a little more.
Here.
Take a look.
Oh, my God! Look at me! Hank, I'm so sorry.
I look -- I look Here, I can wipe some off.
I look exactly like my daughter Linda.
She is so beautiful, and I miss her so much.
Well, it got weird in here.
Steve, I want you to put my sweet Linda back in my will.
Done.
Now make me look like my mum, I've got some crap I wanna say to her.