Sunnyside (2015) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Yeah, well, I've never really been on a blind date either, but I thought, "Why not give it a try," right? Okay, I'm on Sunnyside now, where are you? I'm on the corner, next to a shirtless guy wearing just jeans, bleeding from the head.
Shirtless, bleeding from the head, got it.
Oh, yeah, I think I see ya.
Uh-oh.
What? Um Hi, are you Garth? Oh.
Hey.
I'm glad you're wearing a shirt and not bleeding from the head.
Well, I'm glad your expectations are so low.
Well, welcome to my world.
See ya! Ferg, you're late.
The smart car broke down.
I ended up having to walk it home.
Oh, no, what happened? It was frightened by an SUV, but now it's in the garage, resting under a blanket.
(creaking) Oh, the cupboard, didn't that Handy fellow come by and fix it yesterday? Well, I must confess, Handy Hank didn't actually get around to fixing it.
But we paid him, didn't we? Yes, but it was so hot, Ferg, and he did put in the time and time is really the most precious thing that we have outside of soy based protein.
Mm.
But he wasn't fixing the cupboard, what did he do with his time? Mm, he helped me in the garden while we both tried to cool down.
Ah, that's reasonable.
Hiring a man to work when it's too hot, well, that's that's class oppression.
Not to mention, racial.
Oh, he was a racial? Oh, yeah, big time.
- - Mm, well Jackpot.
But the cupboard Do you think this Handy Hank fellow would be willing to come again? Oh, yes.
I think Handy Hank will be willing to come again.
And again, and again, and again.
If you catch my meaning.
I don't.
Well That's what I was hoping, Ferg.
(alarm beeping) The cops are here! You don't have to tell everyone in the world! - - Jesus.
You set the alarm.
Yes, some of us work for a living.
Oh, speaking of which, my shift starts right now.
Opposites really do attract, huh? (laughing) You're a bad guy, I'm a cop.
It's like we're the law and order Romeo and Juliet.
(chuckles) It's not that crazy, I mean, we travel on the same world, right? Know a lot of the same people, like my lawyer Stanley? "Uh, my clients got nothing to say.
" Both: "This interview is over!" (laughing) Look at how you live, it's like a frat house in here.
A Jamaican frat house, you are clearly A glaucoma sufferer, guilty as charged.
And who's he? (muffled screaming) Oh, that? Just holding that for a friend.
Right.
(phone ringing) Oh, I gotta take this, it's work.
Yo, Teeth.
What? You want me to hit the Dark Roast? 'Cause you have the flu? Alright, man, get better, you big baby.
When you say hit the Dark Roast? It's just an expression, it's not like I'm gonna impact or collide with it.
(banging) Hey, you tell anyone you're here? Not anyone, my partner.
Lana you look rested.
Don't start with me.
I didn't say anything, but we have to roll, some guy got kidnapped.
(muffled screaming) Looks like you already found him.
(muffled screaming continues) It's called being a professional.
Don't worry, rookie, you'll get there.
Good morning, Professor, I got you a coffee an a kale salad.
Oh, just the coffee.
- Ugh, I hate kale.
- Professor The seismometer is off the charts.
Look at these squiggles.
This is really big, potentially catastrophic.
We've got to evacuate Sunnyside.
Wh Do you want me to tell people? What? Don't be ridiculous.
You? Who would listen to you? You're a nothing, a nobody, a peon, a moron, a dinky.
I'm the only authority on Tectonic Plates here.
I-I'm their only hope! I'm their, uh (clearing throat) Professor, are you okay? Oh, it's my vitamin deficiency, it's (moaning) Should have had the salad.
Oh, I hate kale.
I must spread the word.
(screaming) The grinding.
Everyone, seismic activity! We have to flee, we have to flee Sunnyside now! Yeah, no one's listening to you, man.
You're not the kinda guy people remember.
Why does no one remember me? I'm sorry, do I know you? The end is coming, go, go, go! Who was that guy? Just some weirdo loser.
So, Vera, I was surprised to get your call, great to see you.
This isn't a social visit, I'm here representing GUARD, the Gay and Lesbian Advancement Group.
Well, that doesn't spell GUARD.
According to who? The straight alphabet? And speaking of negative gay messages, we want you to stop being the Avenging Moth.
Me? I am not that brave, brave superhero.
And even if I was, what's so wrong with being the first openly gay superhero? Because you're terrible at it.
It reflects badly on our community when every time you try to fight crime, you get beat up! Not every time? Just every time so far.
Look, I get it, Vince, you're troubled, you're working through some issues, but have you ever considered just getting a cat? Everybody down! Give me all the money from the till.
Stay calm, everyone, it's just $50 bucks.
No need for heroics, Vince.
Oh, no.
Vince! Ah! This is a job for the Avenging Moth! Oh, please don't say it.
The first openly gay superhero.
Of course, he says it.
Get off me before I start shooting people.
(gunshot) That's not good.
Get off me, stop biting my clothes.
(gunshot) That homosexual has ruined our marriage.
I warned you about that.
That's not what I wanna hear, this can't get any worse.
(gunshot) And now it can't get any worse.
(gunshot) I gotta stop saying that.
Put your hands up! Don't worry, Officers, the Avenging Moth subdued him.
All part of my job as Please, please don't say it.
The first openly gay (gunshot) Of course, he says it.
Gotta go.
Me in handcuffs, huh? Reminds me of last night.
Ugh, get a room.
(gasp) Go ahead, scream.
Give me an excuse to slit your gullet, Tinkerbell.
Just take my money, just take it.
Screw your damn money.
I wanna yank the teeth from your severed head and barbeque the rest so there's nothing left to identify.
Please don't kill me.
Well, since you said "please" You've just been Dad-joked! (laughing) Dad-joked.
Dammit, Dad, what is wrong with you? That's not what a Dad joke is.
What? Are you sure? A Dad joke is a dumb joke, that was literally assault.
Well, I'm sorry, son, I guess I don't really know what a Dad joke is, but don't you worry, I'll keep trying.
Please, don't ever I gotta go get stitches.
And that's not funny? No! What am I missing here? I hope you don't mind having the interview at the Dark Roast.
The bank likes to keep it informal and I like my caffeine.
(chuckles) (horror music) So you're interested in becoming the new Vice President of Reginal Affairs? Yes, give me the job, please.
Uh-huh.
A vice president typically has 10 to 15 years of financial services.
Does that best describe you? No.
Succubus, best describes me.
Succubus? A malevolent spirit who steals men's souls with her touch.
And education? None, all I've ever done is steal a man's essence and then live off their worldly possessions until I need more.
Well, that's basically what we do at the bank, but I'm sorry, without some sort of resume, my hands are tied.
I need a career change.
I am so bored.
If I watch the life drain out of another man's pleading eyes, I'm gonna scream.
Why do I have the sudden impulse to give you the job? It's my power, men are irresistibly drawn to me.
(gasp) How dare you try to take advantage of me?! I will not be a puppet and can you start Monday? (screaming) Well back to the old grind.
Broke my aquarium last night.
Shouldn't have tried to climb in the tank.
But did you figure out if you were a merman? Not conclusively.
(wood crackles) Owh! What is that? Oh, no, the Volcano! The Professor's worst nightmare has been realized.
We're all gonna die.
Cause of this cute little volcano.
It won't stay cute for long.
Sunnyside was built on the caldera of an extinct volcano, but now it's reawakened.
That can't be true.
Yeah, that's true, the Sunnyside of today is not the Sunnyside of a million years ago.
Listen to him.
It used to be a great civilization here, thriving with social innovation.
They invented the Beaver Tail.
No, no, that's not true.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Except for the Volcano part! Too late, buddy, tried to help.
No one believes a word I say.
I'm cursed.
There's a lot of cursed people in Sunnyside, you noticed that, right? I've certainly noticed.
Oh, Fence Larry.
Just stop it, you just want the attention.
(engine revving) It's that foreign car guy again, that's everyday this week.
Let's just hope he's good enough for our Kimmy.
Only one way to find out.
C'mon! Hi, there, are you ready for your massage? Oh, yeah, you bet.
Ooh, you're so strong.
That volcano isn't going to be the only thing erupting today.
I bet you play sports.
Not really.
It feels like you play sports.
Do you like it when I massage here? Yeah, I, uh, I do like it.
Are you getting excited? (moaning) I want you to be very excited.
I'm I'm very, very excited.
(moaning) (groaning).
I am so excited right now.
Well, you shouldn't be because I'm your father! (laughing) Dad jokes! What is wrong with you?! That's not what a Dad joke is! I thought I nailed it this time.
I really wish you weren't my dad.
Well, I wish you were never born.
There, another Dad joke.
(laughing) Well, paid up.
I guess I'll just take the usual.
(screech) (water dripping) Don't bother crying for help.
Cries for help are like white noise in this building.
This has been the second time in 24 hours that I've been abducted.
What is wrong with this neighbourhood? This is what we do here! If you want gelato, you go to Little Italy, if you wanna be abducted, you come here.
Now, tell us why you're seeing Kimmy before we abduct your thumb! Me and Kimmy were old friends, that's it, I swear! - What's this? - No.
No, oh, God.
Georgette! Why don't you hold this for our guest, hmm? Dr.
Jasper Forbes, huh? - So it's a drug thing.
- What? Don't lie to me, I'm dating a pharmacist.
I've got more angles than a pool table on the Titanic.
Because the Titanic is sinking, honey, so the angles are going up and down.
Denise, what have you done to Jasper? So Kimmy, you're boffing a doctor and not sharing your stash with your gal pals, that sucks! It's not like that, Denise.
Jasper was my best friend in grade 9, both years! He's a dentist now, and well, look Oh, turn down the lights.
I haven't been cheating on my wife by trading drugs for sexual favours, that would be unethical.
He's been cheating on his wife by fixing my teeth for sexual favours.
Oh, Kimmy, I'm so sorry, look at you, you look like a movie star.
One of the toothier ones.
(screaming) (thud) Ooh.
(chuckles) We should've told him that the stairwell didn't have stairs anymore.
Dammit.
Folks, remember my campaign promise to bring more tourists to Sunnyside? Well, through my hard working diligence, I'm happy to present Sunnyside's first tourist attraction, Mayor Fred's Volcano of Death! (cheering) It's not a tourist attraction, it's the end of everything! We have to flee now.
Baby, read the room! Everybody's loving the Volcano of Death, back off! Relax, if science has taught us anything, it's that a human sacrifice will keep this volcano a tourist site.
(cheering) This is what happens when you let the Christian right provide your science textbooks.
And the solution is tribute.
Nope.
Nobody saw that movie? Hunger Games? Huge franchise, huge! Just me, huh?! Okay, fine! I had Eugene put everyone from Sunnyside's name in a bowl.
They told me that was for a turkey giveaway.
Uh-huh, and now I will draw a name from the bowl and this person will be fed to the money volcano so the rest of us can be spared.
(cheering) Okay and that name is Eugene.
(cheering) No need to check the paper, it's definitely Eugene.
So There we g Holy Christmas! That is hot, wow! Hoo, seriously, I dare anyone to put a finger near that thing! Oh, wow, holy! Wow! Oh, you're gonna hate it in there! Whoo! Whoo! Mayor Fred out! (knocking) Dad, are you home? This better not be some kind of Dad joke.
Dad! Oh, my God, Dad.
Dad.
Hilarious, okay, I get it, alright! Enough of the Dad jokes, let's go! Oh, I saw it from the window, your dad was working on the roof and he fell! Trust me, it's a gag, okay? This is where he pops up and goes, "Dad jokes!" Uh, you do know that this is not what a Dad joke is, right? Thank you, that's what I've been saying this entire time.
I-I just called the ambulance, I'm gonna wave it down by the curb.
Alright, c'mon.
He's cold.
(gasp) Dad? Oh, my oh, my gosh.
You're really dead.
Of course I'm really dead, Dad joke! - (laughing) - Son of a goat! I gotcha! No, you got you! You thought it would be funny to fall off a roof? You're saying it's not? No, how is you dying a Dad joke? I don't know, I thought I had it this time, but don't worry, we'll get it next time because we can work on this for all eternity.
(laughing) Good one, eh, eh? Okay, technically, that is a Dad joke.
(laughing) I knew it.
Also, I killed Dukie.
You killed my dog!? (laughing) Dad jokes.
Whoo! You know, I understand the human sacrifice, but is the loincloth really necessary? Necessary, no.
Appreciated, boy howdy.
Eugene, by the power invested in me by calling myself the Mayor, I declare this human sacrifice to be really cool! Do you have any last words?! Just that I'm not sure how I was chosen, I didn't put my name in the jar because I didn't think it was fair for the jar person to win the turkey.
Oh, very stirring words! Now, get in! (bubbling) - Alright, plug it up, plug it up! - (chanting) Plug it up, plug it up, plug it up All the way in, son! (screaming) C'mon! Don't be a baby nerd about this, just get in! (screaming) Oh, it's really hot! It won't go any deeper! Officers! Woman: Something's burning! Oh, ah, ow! All the way in, son! (screaming) Just crouch! Oh, that'll have to do.
The Volcano has been appeased! (cheering) Now let's all go back to my place and get in the hot tub! (cheering) Hello.
Not sure what this whole thing teaches someone like you.
Easy, don't be a smarty-pants.
Sorry.