Superior Donuts (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 (laughing): Arthur, did you see your sign? You're kidding me.
They got me again? Got what? Oh, every spring, those senior girls from Blessed Heart, they mess with my Superior Donuts sign.
It's a classic prank.
They unplug some letters so it says "Super Nuts.
" (Franco laughs) "Super nuts" can also mean huge balls.
(laughs) Hilarious! Actually, it's a tradition.
When I was a senior at Blessed Heart, I did it.
And by "did it," I mean started it.
That's cute.
Couple schoolgirls do it, it's a prank.
I do it, it's a felony.
(laughing) (chuckling): Did you guys see the sign? I know it's wrong, but I'm a sucker for a good ball joke.
(laughing) Why do they always hit my shop, huh? "Buttons and Stuff" right down the street, huh? You got it? Butt stuff.
(laughing) Every year he gets so upset.
It's a harmless prank, like the time I passed out, and my brother wrote "loser" on my forehead in permanent marker.
I had just lost my job, so it really did a number on me emotionally.
But at the end of the day it was funny.
To him.
I miss my pranking days.
Yesterday you filled my holster with pudding.
(laughing): Yeah.
I miss yesterday.
Oh, Arthur, please don't tell me you're about to climb that.
- ARTHUR: Why not? - Because you're 75.
You're pretty much made of eggshells and nose hair.
Oh, come on, what are you talking about? I got this.
Here, take a look.
(grunting, joints cracking) Want to hop on my back, smart guy, huh? I could do this all day.
Please stop.
Your knees sound like someone biting into a Kit Kat.
Arthur, just let Franco fix the sign.
Yeah, it's why you hired one of them.
What? A helper.
Okay, stop being proud and give me the ladder.
- All right, all right, fine.
- Okay.
Just take 'em out of the plugs.
- Unplug plugs.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah You'll figure it out when you get up there.
Yes, yes.
There's no shame in accepting help.
It doesn't mean you're old, just that you're wiser.
Which is another word for old.
No, you wouldn't believe how many emergency calls start out with someone getting on a ladder to put up their Christmas lights.
Do you remember that guy? He grabbed a strand of lights and got electrocuted before hanging himself.
His family is Jewish now.
(Franco cries out) Franco! What happened? - Are you all right? - You all right? I think I twisted my ankle.
(groans) FAWZ: Oh, my God! (laughing): "Superior Nuts.
" Which could also mean the finest testicles.
He's hurt.
I'm healing with laughter.
(laughing) ARTHUR: Oh, there he is.
What'd they say about your ankle? Well, he said I should ice it, wrap it up, and check out the sale on Easter candy.
Your doctor sells candy? No, it was a security guard at Walgreens.
And he gave me this from the lost and found.
Well, I think it makes you look very distinguished.
Throw on a monocle, you'll look just like Mr.
Peanut.
Oh, I'm sorry, is that racist? Why would that be racist? I don't know, it just felt wrong.
(laughing) Maya, is Mr.
Peanut black? You asked me that yesterday, and the answer is still stop asking me that.
Franco, why don't you go see a doctor? Well, funny thing is, doctors would like you to have money or insurance.
And I got neither.
Arthur, are you telling me you don't have a health plan for your employees? Employee.
It's very expensive for a small business to do that.
I'd have to raise the price of the donuts from 89 cents to a buck 20.
Suck it up, Franco, you're on your own.
Come on, man, I'm used to this.
When you grow up broke, you can't just run to the doctor every time you sneeze.
You couldn't afford to go to the doctor? What did your therapist say? I'm just gonna sit down.
I don't need a doctor, all right? I got my Grandma Cici.
You know, she's the queen of home remedies.
You got a cold, she gives you whiskey and lemon.
All right, if you got an ear infection, she blows cigarette smoke in your ear.
So, basically, you grew up in a casino.
I feel terrible, you know? I-I wish I was in a position to offer you insurance.
Yeah, it's tough not having insurance.
I lost mine when they shut down the factory.
Took me three years to pay off a kidney stone that was clogging up the old pistol.
(strained exhale) (laughing) It's ridiculous.
You know we're one of the only developed countries that doesn't offer universal health care? Oh, boo-hoo.
I'm playing the world's tiniest rababa.
It is an Iraqi violin.
Very sad.
Very sad.
You're saying you don't offer your employees health care? American workers get everything handed to them.
Sick days, and time off to have a baby.
Ha! In Iraq, if you go into labor, you hold it in until lunch.
(laughing) And the baby finishes the day out in the mailroom.
Hey, wait a second, wait a second.
I just realized, when I hired you, I had to get workman's comp insurance.
You got hurt on the job, so you should be covered.
No, no, no, I don't want this to cost you anything.
No, no, no, no, it's not gonna cost me anything.
I already paid for it.
Well, uh since you already paid for it, I guess it does hurt so bad that I want to die.
Uh-huh.
You know what my workman's comp is? Telling whoever's hurt that there are seven people in line that would do their job for half the price.
Fawz, you would have made a great plantation owner, man.
Thank you.
Wait a minute.
Thank you.
(sighs): Yes, Grandma, I drank the vinegar and put the pennies in my shoes.
No, I'm not rubbing snake venom and volcanic ash on my foot.
'Cause I don't own a snake, Grandma.
Or a volcano.
All right, Grandma.
I got to go.
Love you, G.
Peace.
Be good.
- Franco.
- Yeah.
This is my insurance guy, Gary.
Oh, no introduction necessary.
(chuckles): I'm sure he recognizes me from my TV spots.
You know, people are always stopping me, trying to get me to do my catch phrase.
It's nice to meet you, man.
Fine, you wore me down.
Okay.
"When things get hairy, call Gary.
" 555-CALL-GARY.
He's very inexpensive.
So, what happened? Well, I fell off a ladder, and I think I might have broken something.
Yeah, and it was on the job, so he's covered, right? Oh, you betcha.
Yeah, it's like that plumber in my commercial who gets bopped on the noggin.
What does he do? He listens to those cartoon birds flying above his head, and he dials 555-CALL-GARY.
Literally no one cheaper.
Okay, so you need to fill out these forms.
- Alright.
- And the state of Illinois - requires a drug test.
- For what? Well, to make sure you haven't used any controlled substances in the past 14 days.
Thanks for coming, Gary.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, look, uh, sorry, guys.
I would look the other way, but the attorney general is investigating.
Ol' Gary.
- Ooh.
- Mm-hmm.
Damn it, kid, you can't even pass the drug test.
(scoffs): Could you? I'll cancel the policy if we're both going to smoke weed.
(grunts): Man, I was really hoping this would work out.
- Me, too.
- (sighs) What the hell am I gonna do now? Man, you don't have to do anything, all right? I'll be okay.
No.
You're my employee.
- I'm responsible for you.
- No.
No.
I can take care of myself.
It's my problem.
You know where I can find a volcano in Chicago, though? (laughing) I'll just Google it.
Okay.
Whew! Well, y'all were right.
Turns out it's a little broken.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad you finally went to the doctor.
Nah.
I looked up some symptoms online.
Tenderness, swelling and whenever I put weight on it, there's a sound like (screams) (laughing) So, um, h-how did you get the cast? Oh, it's homemade.
I used some things I found in the kitchen.
Look, the heel's a soup ladle.
This is crazy, Franco.
You have to go to a doctor.
Randy, with the X-rays and the extra fees, that's gonna cost me about a couple grand.
What about the free clinic? Well, I called them.
When I told them I had a broken foot, they gave me an appointment.
In three months.
I think it's very resourceful.
Thank you, Maya.
See? I made it out of paper-mâché and newspapers.
(grunts): You want to sign it? Uh-oh.
My horoscope says that I should stay away from Capricorns today.
Well, that's funny, 'cause I'm a Capri (screams) - Ah, sorry.
- It's cool.
It's cool.
I'll just, uh plug it up with some dough in the kitchen.
(grunts): Whew! 'Sup, James? (laughing) He's got to go to a doctor.
Take him to yours.
I can't.
He died eight years ago.
W-Wait a minute.
You haven't seen a doctor in eight years? I don't need to.
I outlived my doctor.
I won.
I'm just gonna have to find the money and pay for it myself.
Maybe you should let us help.
Yeah, we could raise the money and surprise him with it.
That's a great idea.
I do fund-raisers at school all the time.
We could have a bake sale.
Maya, this is a donut shop.
It's a seven-day-a-week bake sale.
Right.
I'll do a GoFundMe campaign.
I can chip in.
I just made 200 bucks in our office pool.
Every month, we guess how many John Does will be fished out of the lake.
Six and a half, baby.
(laughing) Oh, ooh.
I could put on a magic show.
I did one for the Police Foundation benefit.
Yeah, he put on his cape and all the women disappeared.
(laughing) Thank you, guys.
Um, but let's keep this between us.
I mean, you know how Franco gets.
Huh? - Hey, let me get in on this.
- No, that's all right, Tush.
We know you've been strapped lately.
Hardly.
I've been invited to do a clinical trial of antidepression drugs.
They test them on humans because monkeys are too stupid to sign the waiver.
But not this guy.
(laughing) Maya, nice work on the can.
Where'd you get such a sad picture of Franco? I might've Photoshopped some baby seal eyes on him.
Ah.
And put his head on the body of Tiny Tim.
Well, here is my contribution.
Oh, Fawz, I'm impressed.
Oh, it's just pocket change.
From the pockets of the people that drop off their clothes at my dry cleaners.
Minus the quarters, of course.
Hey, guys? Anybody there? Tush, what's wrong? Oh, turns out that drug's not quite ready for the marketplace.
I'm experiencing some temporary blindness.
And nausea and enlarged breasts.
Which sucks because I'm too blind to check 'em out.
But, for Franco, it's all worth it.
Okay.
Thanks, Tush.
Oh, this is amazing.
We have almost $800.
I'm gonna match it with yesterday's take.
We had a good day.
The president made a speech.
There was a lot of stress-eating.
We're almost at our goal.
Let's keep passing the can around.
Care to make a donation for our injured friend? Sorry.
Put ten dollars in that can, or I'll give you a $60 ticket.
Your van's parked in the red.
It's just a little bit in there.
That's what my ex said.
Nine months later, we had a kid.
(Franco groaning) (whoops) Sorry I'm late.
My soup ladle got caught in an escalator.
Poor bastard.
Make it $20.
(chuckles) What was that? Well, you weren't supposed to find out about it yet, but, uh Surprise! What is that? We took a collection.
There should be enough there to cover your medical costs.
Everyone contributed, even Fawz.
Yes, and because we are friends, you can pay me back whenever you want.
(laughing) He's not paying you back.
Okay.
Then you will owe me a favor.
Forget it.
I'm not taking your money.
Why not? Because I'm not some damn charity case.
This is embarrassing, man You Photoshopped my head on Oliver Twist.
(laughing) It's actually Tiny Tim.
Who cares? Stop putting my face on sad British boys! Oh, come on, kid.
Stop being so proud.
- We're just trying to help you.
- Well, don't! I already told you.
I didn't need your help.
And you did it anyway.
Well, let me tell you something.
I've been taking care of myself since I was 16, and I've been doing just fine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I got to get to work.
(grunting) See you.
Later.
Almost there.
Is he still storming out? Let me know when we can talk about him.
(laughing) Morning.
Hey, Tush, you can see again.
Yep.
My eyes are fine.
Having a few short-term memory problems, but the good news is: my eyes are fine.
(laughing) Just having a few short-term memory problems.
- (panting): Thanks.
- (bell rings) Are you kidding? Where the hell did you get that thing? Well, you know that hospital supply store on Foster Avenue? Yeah.
Yeah, there's a junkyard next door, and somebody just threw this away.
ARTHUR: Oh, for God's sake! You can't do your job in that thing.
Yes, I can.
All right? (grunts) And I wouldn't be here if I didn't need the money.
Now, who wants some coffee? I could use one, young man.
All right.
Coming right up.
What's up, man? All right.
Yeah Here we go.
Cup of coffee.
Cup of joe.
All right.
(shouts) Oh, I am so sorry, Tush.
- Tush, you all right? - Yep.
I don't feel a thing.
Here's a list of side effects.
Would you call this numbness or "loss of feeling in extremities"? Hey, would you give me that thing? I mean, you, you're gonna kill somebody.
I'm sorry, man.
Hi, I'll take a pound of pistachios, please.
What the hell are you talking Oh, geez.
"Superior Nuts.
" No, this is a donut shop, I'm sorry.
So no pistachios? Uh, here.
Take a Crunchy Munchie, you can lick the nuts off 'em.
I can't believe I forgot to take care of that sign.
What are you doing? Yo, Arthur, we talked about this, man.
You are too old to be climbing that ladder.
Yeah, let one of us do it.
I'd volunteer, but I might be suffering from dizziness or "irregular periods.
" I don't need help.
I've been climbing this ladder for 40 years.
I'm fine.
(shouts) - Yo! What's wrong? - It's my back.
I can't move.
- Okay, well, come here.
- I got you.
No, I can't move.
- I got you, come here.
- No.
Oh, okay.
- All right.
It's okay.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- It's okay.
It's all right.
- Ow, ow.
Ow, my foot! Ow, my back! Ow! Ow! Hot coffee! (laughing) I guess that numbness was temporary! Oh, for God's sake.
Uh, this is Officer DeLuca at Superior Donuts.
- We need an ambulance for, um - (groans) You know, there's really no code for this.
Just come.
Might be a muscle thing, might be a slipped disc.
At your age, we should get you to the hospital for an MRI No.
No, no, no.
No hospital.
No hos Look, I'm fine, huh? I can walk.
I just don't feel like walking right this minute.
Why don't you go check on Franco? Man, he's the one that needs it.
Hmm.
I see you ran out of white people.
(laughing) Arthur, go to the hospital.
No, no, no, nope.
Don't like hospitals, don't like doctors.
Well, why not? Because at my age, they start poking around, and they find one little thing, and they want more tests, and the next thing you know, you never leave.
Don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself? Oh, am I? Everybody around here thinks I'm too old.
Oh, Arthur, they don't think that.
They know it.
All right, rest up.
- I'm gonna go check on Franco.
- (sighs) Dude, I'm telling you, man, I don't need to go to a hospital.
And I'm telling you your foot is broken.
And you need a cast - that's not made out of a Cathy cartoon.
- Man.
Go check on Arthur.
He's the one who needs the help.
(sighs) What am I supposed to do, DeLuca? I can't force them to get into the ambulance.
I know.
They're both so stubborn.
The only thing they agree on is that the other one needs help.
Oh, I got an idea.
(sighs): So Franco is still refusing to go to the hospital.
Oh, that stubborn son of a bitch.
I know, I know.
(sighs): You know, here's the thing.
If you go in the ambulance, maybe we can get him to go and look after you.
- You think? - Yeah.
He worries about you.
Oh, and you know what would really convince him? If you play up that "old and feeble" thing.
Um, I - I could try.
- Yeah.
And then, you know, when you're at the hospital, I bet you could get him to x-ray that damn foot.
Yeah.
He-he looks up to me.
Oh, yes.
He does.
You're like his white, magical Negro.
(laughing) You know, I've thought that.
I'm gonna go talk to Franco.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
(groans) So, I don't know what to do.
I can't get Arthur to go to the hospital.
That stubborn son of a bitch.
I know.
I think he's afraid of doctors.
You know, it's scary when you get to be old.
Look at him.
Oh! Damn my brittle bones.
You see? Now, I think he would go if you went to keep him company.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He needs an MRI, and it might ease his fears if you were getting I don't know an x-ray? We have the money.
I don't know, Randy.
I don't like taking from people.
You know, I don't like having to owe them.
Well, think about it this way.
The money's not gonna help you.
The money's gonna help Arthur.
All right, well, since you put it that way Cool.
All right.
Great.
Yo, Arthur, who wants to go on an ambulance ride? Only if you go with me.
I mean, who knows when the Grim Reaper will call my name? (laughing) - Take it down a notch, Pacino.
- Yeah.
Hey, what'd I tell you kids about using those things in the house? Nah, we're about to send a message to those Blessed Heart girls.
This is our corner.
The block is hot.
Blap, blap! Yo, homes.
We're going to chop 'em down with our water gats.
Huh? Am I a thug? Was that hard? It was hard to listen to.
Well, I'm glad you're both feeling better.
Yeah, thanks to my brand new cast.
And I appreciate that, y'all.
Growing up, I didn't have a lot of people I could depend on, and I got used to doing everything by myself.
Well, get over it.
You've got a roomful of people you can depend on.
Thank you.
That was beautiful.
Wish those monkey drugs hadn't dried up my tear ducts.
(laughing) Here they come.
They're talking about geometry and a dreamy boy named Trevor.
Show them no mercy! Hello, ladies.
And I hope you know how to swim.
- Oy.
- Ow.
- Oy.
- Ow.
- Oy.
- Ow.
Oy.
Oy vay.