Svetlana (2010) s01e08 Episode Script

Hi Barakia.
- Hello Svety.
- How are you?
Terrific, I'm very excited to be here.
I'm excited to have you, you know,
I never thought I had Barack as a client.
You know, I got an email from Michelle,
she told me about your new garden.
And everything was like, you
know, bussiness is usual.
And suddenly she said, "look, I
have favor to ask you,
Svetchka."
And I said, "what is it,
Michelle?
Anything for you."
And she said, look, I'm going to
send you my husband for little
"Session."
I said, "barak?
Finally I get barak."
You know, I usually pleasure
Republicans,
Which is fine for me.
I'm happy to be here.
Well, good.
All fired up.
Ready to go.
Ready to go.
Great, so I think we should
start because Michelle had some
Qualms about certain aspects of
your performance in the bedroom.
I'm keeping those socks off the
floor now.
No, no, that's great.
You know, if we're going to make
progress which is,
I think, the point.
Of course.
We're gonna have to find these
efficiencies.
Well, yeah, that's why I'm here.
I'm sure you've got some ideas.
I've got some ideas.
I think if we get everything up
here on the table,
One thing and the other.
Right, on the bed.
That's it.
And work through them, not just
in the bedroom,
In the boardroom.
Well, let's keep it in the
bedroom.
There are component parts, for
example.
No, I don't need example.
In the healthcare system, where
you have to look for these
Efficiencies.
Barakia, look, so not
interesting.
I don't have healthcare.
I don't care about healthcare.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Someone's gonna throw around
this term,
"government takeover."
"personal space."
Barakia, you're not listening.
Okay, no finger on the mouth
again.
And you know, suddenly it
becomes issue with you.
Talky, talky, talky, talky.
Well, see now, I was gonna
suggest that this is the thing
That I take off my jacket and
roll up my sleeves.
Okay.
Which is something that Joe
biden is a big proponent of.
Dobroe utro, everybody.
Dobroe utro.
I am very happy to bring you
together here at this critical
Juncture in the history of st
Petersburg House of discreet
Pleasure.
I had a very inspirational
morning which led me to decide
That this week's theme of weekly
employee session is "expanding
Horizons, sustaining roots."
Look at anya.
Accepted into 3 colleges,
including barbizon school of
Business and fashion institute
in islip,
Long island.
Vlad, impotent for 15 years.
Barely have job, just not
functioning as a human being.
Today, first day of work at
caltech.
I love you.
Natasha, dim as a dead bulb, but
you know what?
You pursued the right career,
acting.
Stop following me!
I'm going to work for svetlana.
I want to work for svetlana!
You can't stop me!
You are not going to work for
her,
She's a communist.
And marina, the grumpy one, the
bitchy one,
The one who can't stand her
mother.
No.
Who always complains, who's
never happy.
Doesn't want to be prostitute.
I don't care!
You know why?
Because you have 62 hits on you
to have sex.
I may be 58 of them, but that
doesn't matter because you are
Trying.
And you can lip sync and that's
all that counts in this world.
And.
And what?
I have a boyfriend.
Yeah?
Is he circumcised?
Sort of.
Sort of.
Okay, good.
Sometimes when it's half
circumcised,
It's better.
It's also clean but also
something to work with.
What the hell?
You maniac!
You made me a crazy maniac!
Why are you on my property?
Just a little misunderstanding.
I want to work for svetlana!
No, she doesn't she doesn't want
to work.
I want to work for svetlana!
You have no respect for your
father.
Proud of you.
Look how handsome you look!
First day of work.
Okay, turkey sandwich, cheetos.
Take that.
I put a little name on the bag.
Beverage.
Now, don't forget, straw in the
hole.
Don't tear open because last
time you had problem.
Okay?
Yeah, all over the place.
All over the place.
I have to suck on that thing.
Suck on the straw.
Suck on the straw.
Okay, don't tear.
I love you.
Okay, you better get.
You're gonna be late for work.
Be late to work.
Going to be late for work.
I love you!
I love you, too.
I miss you already.
I miss iou, too.
Don't let other kids touch on
the bus.
Can I come back?
No, you can't come back.
Go to work.
I love you.
You look great.
You're my boy.
Bye.
Don't talk to that blonde woman.
Don't look at her.
I won't, I won't.
Straight ahead.
Tunnel vision.
Don't miss the bus!
Mamutchka!
Yes, honey?
I need help with line.
I'm so proud of you, first
audition.
Okay, all right, go ahead.
We closed!
Okay, it's actually we're
closed.
We're closed.
Okay, but you're not fcking the
person who's asking,
You're just talking to him.
Okay?
So try that.
We're closed.
We're closed.
No, just you know, don't move.
Just have lip move.
We're closed.
Very nice.
Okay, what else?
What other lines?
This is it.
No line.
That's it?
That's it for person character.
Well, you're not reading for
person.
Who's this Angela?
She has lots of lines.
I don't know.
I think she's in her mid-30's
and she's a firecracker
Professional.
Okay, what does she look like?
Blonde, preferably.
Preferably.
5'9" and taller.
Okay, that's you.
You're not reading for person.
Okay one minute.
Let's call this casting putz.
I didn't pay all of this money
for those so you can say,
"we're closed."
Maybe they're closed in the
head.
Okay.
Yeah, hi.
Is this casting?
Yeah, hi, my name is uh
rachel
Silver-berg-baum-stein-man-stein.
And I am natasha maximubuskya's
Agent.
I want to tell you she's not
coming in for person.
No.
That's mistake.
She's coming in for role of
Angela.
Yeah.
No, she very good resume.
Well, we don't write all her
credits because we like to keep
It mystery.
She play air hockey, so she has
physical skills.
Big bosom.
Yeah, no she's perfect for it.
Yeah, of course she can handle
the material.
What are you trying to imply?
No, she will be prepared.
Yeah.
I'm not giving you attitude,
you're giving me attitude.
No, look, don't.
All right, we'll see you at 2
pm,
Simmer down.
Thank you.
I don't want to get too feisty
because it can affect the
Outcome.
You know what I mean?
You have to be friendly.
This is so exciting, you know.
It brings me back, I was actor
once.
To be-a, or not to be-a.
Okay, the trick is to not do
these crappy lines.
We go in there and we shock and
awe.
You know what I mean?
We're going to wow them, with
something else.
Hey, man, you lost?
No, no, I'm okay.
This is the biggest opportunity
you've ever had in your life.
You can stay.
Stay right here.
Stay right here.
No, I can't I can't do this.
You know, I haven't worked in 15
years.
Look at this, real office.
You nervous?
Don't be nervous.
That was so fantastic, Madison.
See, I knew you were gonna knock
this out of the park.
Look, I'm still crying.
No, these are real tears.
Okay, I'll see you later, if I'm
not still crying.
Sorry we're running late,
ladies.
Who is next?
We're next!
Vernix?
Yeah.
And?
Natasha maximubuskya.
I don't see your name.
No, we didn't sign in.
We've been here for 2 hours, we
just didn't know you had to sign
In.
We're new at this.
So which one of you is natasha?
This is my daughter.
Hot, right?
Okay, well, natasha if you're
ready,
Come on in.
Yes, here we go.
Just natasha.
No, but I have to go in with
her.
Why?
She needs me.
I'm support system.
Is she deaf?
No, no, no.
She's not deaf, just dumb, not
deaf.
No, but I have to go in.
She needs me there.
I'm always there next to her for
everything.
My mama.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You see, you're gonna have to
support her from out here.
Okay, let the gay boy take you
in and I'll be out here.
Okay?
Natasha would you come with me?
Now, if you like teeth.
This is Lauren basford and Peter
drake,
Our director.
Hi.
Hi.
This is natasha.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your
last name.
Maximubuskya.
Hey, natasha.
Do you have a picture and
resume?
Yes, online, everything.
On your website?
Www.
St Petersburg house
Of discreet pleasure .Com.
The st Petersburg House of?
I'm sorry?
Discreet pleasure.
Okay, great.
Terrific.
Is that e-t-e?
You know, what?
Let's get that, we'll get it
later.
You're all reading for this
Angela part?
Yeah?
You know your lines?
You are latina, though, right?
You're not really American.
You probably salsa your way into
hell.
Da-da-da, da-da-da.
I can see it.
Are you ready?
Yes.
I'll be reading with you.
Angela, you're my sister.
I know we haven't always seen
eye to eye,
But now I need your help.
To be or not to be.
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
Did you memorize from the
script?
Yes, everything.
No, the script of the movie.
I doing "hamlet."
Yes, that was obvious.
Okay, I'm sorry, natasha.
Let me.
Keep going.
Please.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer.
You probably get nothing done in
your life,
Right?
White trash parents left you
when you were a child.
Grandmother raised you in
trailer park.
Now you're coming to la to be
big star,
Right?
You will get nothing and you're
going to go back to work at tgi
Friday.
And you're going to be just
bussing tables with the
Mexicans.
To die, to sleep no more.
By sleep to say we end the
heartache and a thousand natural
Shocks that flesh is apt to.
How'd they bring you in?
You look mean.
And no breasts.
You have, you can see through
that shirt there's no breast.
It's like mosquito bite.
You have sex with guys.
It's like, "oh, my God.
Is it a boy?
Is it a plane?
"It's not a girl."
How is Angela going to have
mosquito bite for breast?
I don't know.
I don't know how she's going to
have it.
This is it.
Thank you.
You like it.
I know you want me all over you.
Right?
Rubbing butter on your body.
Kale.
Swiss kale.
You like that.
You like the fiber.
You like to be regular.
Regular bowel movements.
You know, where it comes out
nice and soft.
Mama?
Oh, natasha.
How'd it go, honey?
Come on.
Come on.
Yes, yes.
I can't.
Don't worry, honey.
I'm sure they are just dealing
with technical issues right now.
Scheduling, you know, it's a big
movie.
You got the part.
Just takes time to make the
call.
Maybe phone not working.
Yeah, maybe phone.
Maybe reception bad, absolutely.
You know what?
Let's call them.
Let's not wait.
Why should we wait?
We'll call them and we'll just
find out what time you have to
Be on set.
Yeah?
Okay.
No problem, honey.
Hello, hi.
This is Karen
silver-berg-baum-steinman-stein
Owitz.
Yeah, hi.
I'm calling to find out what
time natasha has to be on set
Tomorrow.
Yeah.
Really?
There must be some mistake.
I'm sure you will.
Thank you.
I'm sorry honey.
What time?
Well, they're going a different
direction.
Apparently character is black
asian now.
No.
Yeah.
Why?
I don't know, I don't know.
I'm not gonna go tomorrow?
No, but they will keep you in
mind for other projects.
But I want this project.
I know, but there'll be others.
I didn't do good job?
No, I think you did great job.
Well, but why?
No, no, don't cry.
Then you have too many carrots,
you get sick.
No.
No, honey, not with the
vegetable overdose.
Stop crushing my dreams!
You're a dream crusher!
That's what you are!
What is going on?
What are you doing here again?
You're embarrassing me.
Your face embarrasses me.
Get back in the car.
Okay what the hell is happening
here?
She's probably been sniffing gas
all morning.
She's got some crazy bullshit in
her head.
Why are you back here again?
I want to come work for you,
svetlana.
Please!
What?
You can't come work for me.
God sake.
See, you don't want to work for
her.
Of course.
You can't.
She's not good enough to work
for me.
She's not good enough to work
for you?
No.
Of course not.
We have vip clients here.
Oh, my God.
She's better than any whore you
got in there.
Oh, please.
My girls, first, they're not
whores.
They're pleasure centers.
Oh, whatever.
Whatever.
And she could out-fck your girl
any day of the week.
Oh, brother.
You are living in a dream world,
lady.
Oh, am I, really?
How about a fckdown?
Oh, no.
You're not asking me to a
fckdown.
Oh, I just did.
My best whore against your best
whore in a fckdown?
Your best whore against my best
pleasure center in a fckdown
Tonight.
You're on, baby.
All right.
You pick the place, I pick the
categories.
Those sluts in there couldn't
hold a candle to her.
Oh, you'll find out tonight, my
friend.
Here' s the deal.
She wins, she can choose where
she wants to go.
My girl wins, she goes back to
your dump.
You got it!
Okay.
You get that?
If your girl wins, she can
choose where she wants to go.
If she wins, she can come work
for me,
She can go back home.
Because it's free country.
If she wants to work for me, you
know,
We don't do slavery.
It is a damn free country.
You're on, baby.
Okay, great.
I'll see you at sundown.
You got it, baby.
And take this little thing away
from here.
Come on, crystal.
You're gonna see some fcking
and sucking tonight.
Thank you for this wonderful
opportunity.
You're welcome.
They don't do it like this back
in eastern Europe.
We'll show her.
I've never been more pleased
with cast.
No, it was a great day.
Thank you, guys.
Most of them are legal, too.
Yeah, good.
Hi!
How are you?
Good.
I'm svetlana maximubuskya.
I'm natasha's mother.
Yes, of course you are.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we remember her.
So I'm a little confused.
I mean, I thought she did good
job.
Yeah?
Oh, no, she did a great job.
She did a great job.
Great job.
Really?
I cried.
Did you really?
Bundle of talent.
Yeah, really?
Well, I'm a little confused
because if she did such good
Job, why didn't she get the
part?
Okay.
I'm just casting director.
I don't make the final choice.
But the part calls for an
American actress.
And while she was amazing, she
read a little Russian.
Well, she is Russian.
Right.
It's very specific in the script
that she's descendant of the
Mayflower.
So she needs American accent?
Yes, yes!
She needs and American accent.
And she had Russian accent?
Just very.
Beautiful Russian accent.
It sounded Russian to us.
Yeah, but it is, I mean, she's
not very good with accents.
If there was a Russian character
in this movie,
She'd have it in a second.
The Russian accent she nailed.
No, I mean, there's nothing
worse than casting a different
Nationality for an American
character.
I know.
You know, you have all these
English actresses that are
Playing American characters.
Like Rachel Weisz.
"oh, please pass the butter
because I'm American."
Right.
That's good.
You know, I don't buy it.
Okay, so let's talk breast Tex
for one minute.
Okay, because I really want to
know.
Breast Tex?
You mean like a breast wrangler?
Breast tax?
It seems like you want to talk
about a breast tax?
Like?
What is that, some sort of new
bra?
I don't know.
Breast tech?
You brought it up.
No, brass tacks.
Brass tacks.
Brass tacks!
Brass tacks.
Let's talk brass tacks for a
minute.
Sure.
I want natasha to have role in
this movie.
Okay?
Yeah.
So why don't we find something
for her?
You know what?
I think we do, too.
I know I do.
I cried when she was up there.
I'm sure you did.
Let's give her something that is
emotional yet believable.
Something Russian woman could
play.
Believable?
Would be, uh, the security
guard?
The cab driver?
The cab driver.
Security guard, I like that one.
Yeah, I like that.
I like that.
That's like, you know, tough but
sexy.
Like, you know, Bruce Willis but
blonde.
Exactly.
Okay, fantastic.
So we'll give her role of
security guard.
That is a terrific idea.
Done.
Because don't make me come back
here!
Hey!
Yeah, no, she's gonna be great.
It'll be great.
Okay, great.
Well, I'm glad I saw all of you.
And have a good day.
All right?
You have a good day.
Thank you so much for coming in.
No, thank you.
Thank you for coming back.
I'm happy I did.
It's a great idea.
I was actor once, I know this
industry.
Were you?
Yeah, yeah.
You can tell.
I know.
I come in, I help the other
girls outside I give them
Coaching.
You know what I mean?
Thank you.
That's what I'm here for.
You know what I mean?
I'm here to elevate everybody's
work.
That's great.
So if you need another role, you
know,
Maybe security guard has a
cousin.
You know, maybe I can be
elevator operator or something.
I think I can promise you we'll
be thinking about you.
We'll keep that in mind.
This was fun.
I feel like I'm performing, like
I was on stage right now.
Have a good day.
You, too.
You guys are really lovely.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
Svetchka.
Svetchka.
Natasha, you have nothing to
worry about,
Honey.
That white skank can't even walk
straight,
Let alone, you know, have.
Vladkia, how was work?
Great!
You didn't go, did you?
No.
Yeah, that's okay, we like
having you at home.
We're happy to have you back
here.
But you know, we're in a hurry
because we're about to go to a
Fckdown.
A fckdown!
Fckdown.
Let's go.
I love you.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my
distinct pleasure to welcome all
Of you to the 2010 funtastic
fckdown.
Our contestants are going to be
judged on technique,
Originality, follow-through and
emotional stability.
Now, judging our contestants is
our illustrious panel of judges.
Let's say hello to Buster
devereaux from Brandy's classy
Ladies.
Formerly known as Willy wonka
and the puy factory.
And svetlana from st Petersburg
House of discreet pleasure.
We have special this week,
please check our website.
And our celebrity guest, John
Tucker,
Editor of "food and wine"
magazine.
I, uh thank you.
Thank you.
Now svetlana and Buster have
both promised to keep the
Scoring objective and
professional.
I've got standards.
I've got better standards.
Well, well.
Let's move on to my favorite
part of the show where we get to
Meet the contestants.
From Brandy's classy ladies,
crystal meth!
And representing st Petersburg
House of discreet pleasure,
Natasha maximubuskya.
All right, ladies, your first
category is foreplay.
You'll have 10 seconds to arouse
your air client.
Natasha, we're gonna start with
you.
Laying down spoon technique.
Oh, the tongue out early.
It's like she's talking to me.
That's my daughter out there.
All right, time is up, next up
is crystal meth.
Unzip and get hard!
Get hard already!
I think she's yelling at his
penis.
Come on!
Get her up!
Get her up!
Get her up!
All right, let's take a look at
the judges and see what they
Thought.
While crystal's very good at
what she does,
I think that natasha's style,
while it's a little more
Generic, it probably has a
broader appeal.
So I'm gonna have to go with an
8 for natasha.
And sorry, baby, 7 for crystal.
You know, crystal, you're a nice
girl but you're really skanky.
I can feel the skank all the way
from here.
And I think you have to work on
your personality.
Natasha, you are really
fantastic.
You are graceful.
I'd like to give a 7 to natasha.
And I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
A 3 to crystal.
Well, you're not even trying to
be objective.
I thought natasha was, wow,
wonderful.
Reminded me of a fine gruyere
cheese.
So I gave her a 9.
Crystal kind of scared me a
little.
I could only give her a 2.
What do you say we kick things
up a notch and move it on the
French accent segment?
My personal favorite.
Ladies, you're going to have 10
seconds to convince your air
Client that you're of french
descent.
And go.
Da.
Da.
That's Russian, folks.
We rehearsed this.
Oui.
Like yes.
Oui.
2 seconds left.
And time.
See, now she's doing it.
Yeah, that sounds like french
but that's after I called time
So it doesn't count.
You just have to give her a
chance.
That does not count.
Now, we're gonna move on to
crystal meth.
And begin.
I'm from Paris!
I don't bathe.
I got bad teeth.
I hate jews.
I love Jerry Lewis.
And after I've hit the pooper, I
sit on this thing called a bidet
And I wash my butt.
Obviously, natasha, she didn't
get started with her french.
So she gets a 1, and my baby
gets a 10.
I have to say, natasha, I'm
sorry.
I'm giving you a 3.
And crystal meth, I'm going to
give you a 4 because you did
Come up with the "I hate jews"
line,
And the armpits, which I think
are very accurate.
I thought natasha's outfit was
wonderful.
Her broom didn't seem to be
french,
So I gave her a 7.
For crystal, I do need someone
to clean up around my place.
And you do seem to be a person
who would take charge.
We are moving on to the speed
round.
We'll see how both of you do in
the category,
Blowjob with swallow.
Oh, look at you.
Oh, she's doing the dolpn.
That's not attractive.
Yummy, yummy in her tummy after
that gummy.
There's really no such thing as
a bad blowjob.
Blowjob without swallow.
Blowjob with fake swallow.
Oh, she pretended to swallow.
And then, where is it?
Oh, we don't know.
It was totally fake!
Dealing with the fat guy
segment.
Crystal meth is out and poised
on the edge of the bed.
Svetlana in to push Harvey off
of her.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Big fat zero.
Reminded me of a fine bordeaux
that might breathe for a little
While.
Oh, no.
Oh, look.
What number is it?
A cheese plate, some wonderful
dried fruits.
It's your iq.
It's zero.
Next up is the rugrat.
Oh no, crystal is spasming.
Oh, don't touch me.
I didn't do it.
Things are all tied up, folks.
I mean, this is a neck and neck
race.
So that means we need a tie
breaker.
Which is pillow talk.
Ladies, you'll have 10 seconds
to give your best pillow talk to
Us, right now.
Crystal, you're up first.
Hey, baby.
I just wanna say thank you for
being the best lover I've ever
Had.
Your penis is spectacular and
you gave me multiple orgasms.
So thanks.
All right, natasha.
It all comes down to this.
Your pillow talk begins right
now.
And time.
Thank you for that awkward
puppet show.
Judges, what did you think of
pillow talk?
Well, I think natasha really got
the short end of the stick here
With drawing pillow talk.
Growing up in a communist
country,
She doesn't really understand
the service aspect of our
Industry.
Crystal, of course, always does
this.
I'm gonna have to go with a 2,
natasha,
In the final round.
And crystal, you're gonna get an
8,
Baby.
Crystal, you knocked me out of
the proverbial park.
That being said, there is
nothing more fun than a puppet
Show.
So I'm going to give crystal
meth a 2.
And I'm going to give natasha an
8 for creativity,
Originality, good handling of
the pillow cases,
Good handwork, and just funny
voices.
They just make you go, ha-ha-ha
inside.
This is bullsht.
All right, simmer down.
Natasha's pillow work reminded
me of maybe a nice venison mole,
So I'm going to give her a 9.
It was wonderful, natasha.
Crystal, on the other hand, I
really was blown away.
I mean, I was completely
enveloped by,
Like, a.
I'm gonna give you a 10.
Well, after careful tabulation
by our friends at buttercup and
Buttercup, the winner, by the
feather of her ball duster is.
Crystal!
You baby!
I knew it!
I'm Shawn o'hara, thanks for
watching.
And catch me next time when I
host "haunted brothels of the
West."
Guys, we're gonna be like
sisters.
I love y'all!
We can be together and drink
vodka and have a fourbie.
You're just going to leave your
father like that?
You guys are fun.
I want to hang out with y'all.
But you know what we do at st
Petersburg House of discreet
Pleasure?
We make our girls douche every
morning.
Yeah?
Hell to the no!
Yeah.
Daddy!
I want to be with you.
They don't speak American.
Oh, baby, you gonna stay with
daddy?
You can stay with daddy.
I'm so sorry.
Let's go home.
Let's go home, baby.