Talking Comedy s01e08 Episode Script

1 With his electric shock hair and those unmissable teeth, Ken Dodd has the face that launched a thousand quips.
For a time in the '60s and '70s, Doddy was Britain's most successful comic, and the BBC's highest-paid entertainer.
He was a national phenomenon.
That meant filling theatres across the country, and being booked on the nation's top chat shows.
APPLAUSE Young man, back there! All right? Yes.
At last.
Is Ken Dodd your real name? No, it's an anagram.
An anagram? LAUGHTER It's a joke! It's a joke.
What is the anagram of? Den Kodd.
And you're from Clear this up.
Is Knotty Ash mythical or real? Oh, no, Knotty Ash is a real place.
A lot of people think it is a figleaf of my imagination, but, no, it's a real place.
Knotty Ash, a little village about four and a half miles east of Liverpool, and it's there all right, and we have That's where we have all the Knotty Ash industries, you know, the snuff quarries and broken biscuit repair works LAUGHTER and the gravy wells, where we export Knotty Ash gravy all over the world in our fleet of gravy boats.
LAUGHTER That type of vessel.
Have you got your right teeth in? Oh, these are the ones.
Yes.
Central eating! Listen, were they always there, these? I mean, you were born in Knotty Ash, weren't you? Yes, yes.
And raised there.
Yes.
All these industries were there were you were a child, I assume? Oh, yes, yes.
We had them all there.
The jam butty mines and the treacle wells.
And Oh, yes, all there.
As a matter fact, we have our own motorway sign now, on the M62, this lovely big "Knotty Ash".
A lot of people come to be all They can't believe it.
But what kind of childhood did you have, Ken? Very happy.
Was it? Yes, very, very happy.
I think I had the best The best mum and dad in the world.
And a brother and a sister.
There was three of us, one of each.
LAUGHTER Mum and Dad I had a little Diddy Man Daddy and a little Mini Mum.
And they They all, between them, my family life in Knotty Ash, I think, I owe it all to them.
I started entertaining in Knotty Ash.
But was there a lot of laughter in the family? Oh, yes, yes.
A lot of people often say, who is your favourite comic? Who's the comedian you model Well, it's my dad.
Really? Definitely.
He was a funny man, funniest man I ever knew.
Very, very funny man.
Every Sunday afternoon, when we had You know, you're having your tea, had pineapple chunks.
LAUGHTER Chunks and Carnation.
After that, my dad was used to do impressions for us and sing us songs, like, An N'Egg And Some N'Ham And An N'Onion.
All his great favourites were, you know, Will Hay, Jack Pleasance What about school? Were you a funny lad at school? Were you different? Er Oh, yes! Yes.
Bit difficult, this You see, on one hand, I'm trying to answer you with a sensible remark, and on the other hand, the brain, the computer, it takes over and you're trying to think of the funny ones.
Yes, I went to I was teacher's pet, I used to sit in a cage at the back of the classroom.
LAUGHTER I went to a mixed school, we wouldn't drink anything else.
I went to Knotty Ash No, I don't think so, I was I was quite When I was three, I could read, and I used to read all these The Wizard, and The Hotspur, and The Rover, and that's how it all started.
One day, in The Wizard, I read this advertisement that said, "Fool your teachers, amaze your friends, send sixpence in stamps.
" So I did, and I got this book on how to become a ventriloquist.
Didn't I? (Yes.
) He'll tell you.
LAUGHTER And this little bird warbler you put in your mouth and you go HE WHISTLES LIKE A BIRD And months later, through going in the woods a lot and lying in the long grass, I became an ornithologist.
People say it affects your eyesight, but it never has with me.
LAUGHTER You went Your first job, in fact, wasn't in show business, was it? I mean, you were on the knock, on the door, weren't you? I worked with my father in a coal business with my brother, and then I was on the knocker, as you say.
You know, going round and selling You know, pots and pans and tickling sticks.
And I think that's where the "missus" bit started.
All my life, I've always sold things and served, you know, like, tried to serve the Being of service to the public.
I still am, I suppose.
Whereas, at one time, I used to have a bucket and and pan round, now, I havea tickle round.
A laughter round? Aye.
Yes.
But what about when you started making people laugh professionally? What kind of places did you work? You can't make people laugh.
You can only give people laugh.
Laughter is inside you, you see.
Everybody has got laughter inside them, and a comic As a comic, all you do is you just touch the spring of laughter.
Everybody is born, as a baby, you're all born with a chuckle muscle.
A chuckle muscle? LAUGHTER It's worked its way up, past your clack and out through your titter-box.
It's very like an attack of wind.
LAUGHTER As a baby, you're born with a chuckle muscle and if you don't use it You must use your chuckle muscle every day and have a laugh.
You're doing great, yours is If you don't, it will wither and drop off.
LAUGHTER Sorry.
No, I was asking you, actually That's your trouble, you shoot off, and then you forget what I asked.
How did you begin making people laugh? I got some jokes, and then, whenever I used to play a club, or, I used to go in and ask the steward for a cork.
A cork? It wasn't that I was a nervous performer.
I just used to LAUGHTER I'd burn it and put a big moustache on.
Because, at 15, I didn't think I had the authority to tell gags to grown-ups.
I see.
So I started off, and I'd seen this advertisement somewhere which said "Arnold Ramsbottom, plumber and artificial leg maker.
" So that tickled me.
Artificial leg maker! It was the two things And so, I called myself Professor Yaffle Chuckabutty, operatic tenor and sausage-knotter.
And I used to go around telling gags in clubs, and then I graduated to Masonics.
Are you in the? No.
LAUGHTER Is that what they do? Is that the secret? Oh, yes! Didn't you know that? I didn't know that.
Mr Fisher, the producer.
Mr Fisher, my producer? Yes, we are He took me, last week, to join.
We are now We know a secret that nobody in the whole world knows about.
Don't we, Gladys? LAUGHTER We're in the Oddfellows, you see.
The Oddfellows? And he took me to the Oddfellows Temple, he said, on the way, "Doddy, on the way, if anybody stops us on the way, swallow this.
" "What is it?" He said, "An enamel bucket.
" We got to the lodge, we gave the secret knock, thrice, or was it force? Anyway, somebody opened the door, the big door, and chucked a midget out.
A big fellow opened the door with a long nose.
He'd lost his key.
LAUGHTER One big, tall, ginger-headed fellow, he had the scrolls, he said, "I'm sorry lads, I'll have to go home, I've got the scrolls.
" LAUGHTER Sorry.
What did I ask you again? I don't know.
Try and think I've no idea.
Oh, we started off doing Masonics.
Masonics, that's right.
And then Sunday concerts, and Sunday concerts, and then I met this This fellow, this agent.
LAUGHTER THEN APPLAUSE I was introduced to a man called David Forrester in Liverpool 25 years ago.
And we had tea at the Adelphi hotel, we had tea and cakes, the bill came to one and nine and he let me pay.
So I thought, well, if he looks after his money like that, he'll be all right for me.
So He came to see me working.
I was playing just an odd week at Wigan Hippodrome, and it was in a strip show, you know, one of these nude shows.
And it's very difficult telling gags with just socks on.
LAUGHTER You're not allowed to move, you know, the stagehands get the sack.
Some of them bring white mice into the theatre.
LAUGHTER And I signed up with David Forrester, and we've been friends My friend, my mentor, my agent, for 25 years.
Has he given you that one and nine back yet? No! Reminds me What about the What stage did the hair, you know when you do the hair? What did I'm a very I'm a very nervous I get stage fright very easily.
And I In the first days, I had to have some, I used to go And one night, it was in Norwich at the Carlton, I was doing this and it actually stood on end like this.
LAUGHTER THEN APPLAUSE So I used to say, "How's that, missus? By Jove?" PAL, puts 'airs on lads.
PLJ, puts lumps on Judies.
The hair and thesomething.
People say, how did your fingers get like that? Well, actually, I had them trapped in a till.
LAUGHTER And the teeth, that came because I always used to try and do things differently.
My dad always used to say to me, "You must be original.
There can only be one of everything.
" I remember Ronnie Taylor saying that about Jimmy Clitheroe, "There can only be one Jimmy Clitheroe.
" There can only be one Frankie Howerd.
There can only be one One anybody.
And so As I say, I'm a one-off.
The doctor said, "There's nothing you can do about it.
" LAUGHTER I wanted to be an original.
So I capitalised on the teeth and the hair and used to say "I'm the only one who can eat a tomato through a tennis racket.
" "I'm the only one who can kiss a girl "and nibble her ear at the same time.
" That appearance on Parkinson would prove to be so popular that Dodd was invited back a year later, which gave Parky the chance to ask some questions he hadn't managed to squeeze in the first time round.
Now then, sir Young man.
The question, last time I met you, we did a one-man show.
You did? No, I didn't, you did a one-man show.
And I One question I didn't ask you back then, was your appearance.
We never got round to your Well, I must admit, I'm glad you Because I do find it very difficult, actually, being a comedian, I mean, when you have perfect features, it makes it LAUGHTER Sorry, I was laughing at Barry, he Oh, right.
You see, when you have a Grecian profile like mine, I mean, look, what do you think? It's very good.
I think it's very winsome, myself.
Yes? Yes.
Winston? No, winsome.
Handsome.
It's a dog food.
It's a dog food.
Did you ever think? He's starting early.
Did you ever think of having the teeth straightened? The teeth? Pardon! The teeth straightened.
Teeth Is that a threat? Well, I did actually, I tried to look after them.
And I capitalise on them, I tell jokes about them.
I went to the dentist the other day, and A lot of people, you know, when you go to the dentist, it's usually full of fear.
With me it's different, because the dentist is full of fear.
And I went to the dentist, I As I went up the dentist's path, I got this sinking feeling I fell in his goldfish pond.
The receptionist said, "Will you need gas?" I said, "I don't think so.
" Well, she said, "Please yourself, it's freezing in that waiting room.
" I went in, the dentist, he said, "Now, you've got to stop eating sweets.
" I said, "Why?" He said, "You've bitten my finger twice.
" He got this big needle, he said, "Now, won't feel a thing.
" And he jammed it in my gums, and you know, he didn't feel it.
And when he'd finished, he said, "Now, I want you to take your trousers off and jump up and down.
" Why? I said, "I want my money back!" He said, "I want my forceps back!" LAUGHTER THEN APPLAUSE But people do APPLAUSE People do try to People do go to dentists and have There was a lady, this was a true story, a lady who had a real sort of snagglepuss mouth.
She had, you know, she had a mouth like a burnt-out fuse box.
And she went to this posh cosmetic dentist in Wimpole Street, I think I've got it right, and We're doing them in alphabetical order! This is Wimpole Street LAUGHTER He He fixed her up beautifully.
And she was the landlady of a pub, actually.
She was back in a year's time with a nervous breakdown because none of her friends were speaking to her.
She had this lovely set of choppers and nobody would speak to her, and she was a nervous wreck.
Why wouldn't they speak to her? Because she changed her appearance, The same dentist said to me, doing my He said, "That's it, Ken.
" "Nothing else I can do, unless you want them straightened.
" I said, "You're kidding.
" "I was told when I was 11 I could never have nice teeth.
" "Oh," he said, "I'd fix those up.
" So then I was in a dilemma.
Had to ask everyone, "Shall I have my teeth straightened?" They said, "No, no, leave it as it is.
" "We've got to have somebody to laugh at.
" But I think a comic has to realise very early on in, when you start being a comic, you have to learn to let people laugh at you, as well as with you.
Yes.
So you have to learn to take it all in your stride, people say to you, you know, sometimes, "Doddy," someone said to me a couple of months ago, in Leek, he said, "How do you manage to look so young on the stage "and so blooming old on television?" This is the kind of thing you have to take, you know.
If you're a comic, you have to let people laugh at you.
I don't mind.
Ken Dodd wasn't just making people laugh.
He's always been a student of comedy, too, analysing it and trying to understand why people laugh.
Humour, I think, was given to us as a great and wonderful gift.
The gift of laughter, the gift of humour.
God, the Almighty, our maker, whatever name you like to give him, he gave us, gave human beings this wonderful gift of laughter.
'Cause nobody else can laugh, you know, animals can't laugh, did you know that? There's There isn't Man is the only Man is the only being that laughs.
When was the last time you hard a tom cat say, "By Jove, that was a good one!" How can you, as a non-Jewish comedian, tell Jewish jokes without being anti-Semitic? Because you, being an entertainer, you are If we have a gift at all, if there's any gift we have, it's the gift of empathy.
And sympathy.
We are able You're able The good entertainer is able to actually sit in the audience and watch himself.
And so, therefore, I would think like a Jewish person.
I would think, really, first and foremost, I would think like a human being, and I would think, "Well, would that joke offend me?" There was a comedian who went to heaven, and they said he can only go in if he'd done something very brave in his life.
And he said that he'd done something brave.
They said, "What did you do?" He said, "I stood up in Belfast and said, 'to hell with all the Protestants and Catholics'.
" He said, "When did you do this?" He said, "About ten seconds ago.
" And here is Doddy showing Nationwide reporter Michael Barrett how the humour in his home city of Liverpool is a little different from anywhere else.
Liverpool is a very beautiful city, if you know where to look.
We've got some lovely beauty spots and some fine architecture.
Here, for instance, we have our own column, the Duke of Wellington.
The Duke of Wellington, who in 1600 and something, at the Battle of Fazakerley, repulsed the 44th Mounted Wimpies.
The Duke of Wellington was also responsible for a very famous piece of equipment that no self-respecting Liverpudlian would be without.
His wellies.
St George's Hall, 16 Corinthian columns, 60 feet high, supporting the facade.
It started off as a bus shelter, but it just got a bit out of hand.
And why the Earl of? Bill Shankly.
Is it? Is it the Earl of Beaconsfield? Yes.
I always thought it was Mr Shankly.
We learn something every day.
MUSIC: Orchestrated Version of Penny Lane Well, visitors to Liverpool are quite often charmed by the place.
Charles Dickens, when Charles Dickens came to Liverpool, he described it as, "That rich and beautiful port.
" And John Masefield, the poet, said it was, "Lovely in all weathers.
" It's the only city I can think of that has its own particular dialect.
Ah, but, ah, but, ah, but, you see, this goes back a long time to When there were the Seven Lost Tribes of Liverpool.
The Seven Lost Tribes, and when the town planners came in, at one time, the town planners seemed to favour demolition more than replacing places.
It's getting better now.
They are building some beautiful places, but, at one time, there were the Seven Lost Tribes, they sent one lot out to Skelmersdale, they didn't want to go, but they went.
Another lot went out to Runcorn, Kirby, and all these places became very sort of You know, colonies of Liverpool.
And not always, didn't always get a good name.
They said, in one of those places, if you saw a cat with a tail, it was a tourist.
And each Each tribe has its own dialect.
For instance, the very posh people, in Crosby and over the water, they say, "Where are you working, Mary?" Whereas the people in the south end of Liverpool here, they say, "All right, all right, big 'ed.
" "Get down there and give us one of those furry coats.
" They have Judies with "fur her".
This is our own language, we have our own words, like, if I said to you, if you had a Judy down a jigger and this fellow came along and he was bevvied, so this scuffer came along and took him away.
OK? I don't know what that means.
Well, you were with this young lady and you're doing a spot of courting, and this gentleman came along who was inebriated, so a policeman came along and escorted him to the police station.
So der! In the 1980s, Dodd was made an OBE for services to the entertainment industry.
He was also charged with tax evasion, for which he was eventually acquitted.
Between those two events, he set himself the challenge of performing at every British theatre, which led to this encounter with Terry Wogan.
What about this bet? You're doing it again, actually, going round the theatres.
This bet that you're going to play every live theatre.
Yes.
Two years ago, I made a bet that I would play every live theatre left in Great Britain, and here I am.
LAUGHTER All the different theatres, all over.
I thought there'd be about 60, 70 theatres but, in actual fact, there are hundreds.
There are probably more theatres in Britain now than there were 40 years ago.
How many have you done so far? A lot.
I think it's going to be the one bet I hope I'll never win.
Yes.
Because there's Entertaining live audiences, when you go to watch a live show, you don't just watch the show.
You're in it.
You take part in it.
You love playing to a live audience? Yes.
A live theatre, it's a one-to-one experience.
There's not all this Ahem! scrap iron in the way.
You can get to them.
There's my audience up there! By Jove, missus! APPLAUSE You see? It's a beautiful day! You sit here, if you want.
You can face them.
No! No, no! What a beautiful day! All the husbands, try, shoving a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and saying, "There's the chest freezer you've always wanted!" LAUGHTER It's a live audience.
I think Anyone in from Scotland? Never mind, I'll do it anyway.
What a beautiful day for putting your kilt on upside down, standing outside the town hall, and shouting, "How's this for a shuttlecock?" LAUGHTER This is all good stuff! What a beautiful day for ramming a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and saying, "Look out, the Martians are coming!" LAUGHTER The most beautiful sound in the world is the sound of laughter.
Brilliant.
You're bringing You all right? It's me chest.
It's your chuckle muscles.
It hasn't been properly exercised.
You've studied humour, haven't you? You've made a great study of it.
When I came into show business, I thought, I was a salesman at the time, on the knocker, and I decided to find out what it was selling, so, what is a laugh? So I went to all the libraries and I looked up the word laugh, L-A- double F And I looked through Aristotle, and his brother, 'Arris Tweed.
And Schopenhauer, Freud.
Freud said that a laugh is a sudden explosion of psychic energy.
Of course the trouble with Freud was, he never played second house Friday night at Glasgow Empire.
And Istudied I found out, I mean, what a laugh is.
I mean, what is a laugh? I'll talk to you, you look sensible.
What is a laugh? A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.
Anywhere else, you're in dead trouble.
LAUGHTER This is People laugh at all sorts of things.
Some ladies laugh at little things.
It's a pity, really, but there you are! LAUGHTER But I have They like to laugh at other people's misfortunes.
People do.
People do laugh at other people's misfortunes, I never forget the time my dad had the boil on the end of his nose.
A boil, throb, throb, on the end of his nose and my mother couldn't sleep at night for laughing.
And so We got the doctor in, and the doctor took one look at this boil on his nose, and he ordered us all out of this bedroom, and he took this big needle out of his bag, out And we all waited outside, and we could hear "Ow! Ooh!" And the doctor came out, and he said, "It looks much better now.
" "I've sewn a button on it.
" LAUGHTER People All sorts of things.
People laugh at all sorts of things, and other people, you know, strange things, you have to be a little bit strange in this business.
Because people often wonder what you're doing.
You don't mind about this, do you? Not at all.
Thank you! I just wanted to do it! Before People APPLAUSE People laugh Generally, routines.
Now, there's routines about Christmas, there's routines The doctor's routine.
Went to the doctor's the other day, I went to see Doctor Greenberg, he's a wonderful man, does a bit on the side, and also tends to cats.
And Yes, that's why you have to be very careful, you know, make sure he knows exactly what you want.
When he's been on the cough mixture One fellow went in to get his tonsils out, the stretcher was the wrong way round and BLOWS RASPBERRY LAUGHTER Oh, yes! Went in as Angus, came out as Agnes.
Anyway, I went in.
Went in to his insulting room, he said, "Now, are you paying, or shall I hurt you?" I said, "No, I'm paying!" Right, he says, "Take all your clothes off.
" So I took off my clothes.
He went in the next room for a laugh.
He came back, and said He said, "You'll have to diet.
" I said, "What colour?" He said, "Never mind that!" I said, "Well, I'd like a second opinion.
" He said, "You're ugly as well.
" That's a routine, you see.
And a good one.
Yes, and the Christmas A joke is totally, a joke is a story.
A little boy said to his dad just before Christmas, "Dad," he said, "I don't want a bike for Christmas.
I don't want a bike for Christmas.
" He said, "Why not?" He said, "I've just found one behind the wardrobe.
" APPLAUSE Appearances like that one were classic Ken Dodd, and encapsulated his act perfectly, packed with one-liners and with the audience in the palm of his hand.
So how to top that? Well, let's finish with a song that once was a hit for Wogan himself.
Yes, brace yourselves, it's Doddy's version of The Floral Dance.
APPLAUSE Oooooooohhhhh! # As I walked home on a summer's night # When stars in Heav'n were shining bright Far away from the footlights' glare.
I'm dribbling here.
Into the sweet and scented air.
That's funny.
Of a quaint old Cornish Town.
DEEP GULPING BREATH # Borne from afar on the gentle breeze SWANNEE WHISTLE # Soft as the murmur of summer seas # Distant tones of an old world dance SNARE DRUM BEATS # Played by the gasworks band, perchance # On the ca-ha-alm air # Came flo-ho-at-ing down # I thought I could hear the spurious tone # Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone # Fiddle, cello, big bass drum # Trifle spoon, euphonium # Far away, as in a trance # I heard the sound of the Floral Dance! # Tiddlywinks, old man, suck a lemon, if you can # If you can't suck a lemon suck an old tin can I pull my Brutus jeans on.
Get off your horse and drink your milk! A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
# And soon I heard such a bustling and prancing # And then I saw the whole village was dancing # In and out of the houses they came # Old folk, young folk, all the same # In that quaint old Cornish town # Every boy took a girl by the waist # And hurried her off in tremendous haste # Whether they cared for one another I knew not # Whether they knew one another I care not # But they kissed as they da-ha-anced along! # They danced to the band of the spurious tone # With the cornet, clarinet, and big trombone # Fiddle, kiddle, big bass drum # Fife, bassoon, and euphonium # Each one making the most of his chance # Altogether in the floral dance # Hit me with your rhythm stick! Yeah! Na-na-na-na-naah! Hissing Sid is innocent! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # I felt so lonely standing there And I could only stand and swearstare! Sorry, sir.
# For I had no friend with me # Lonely I would have to be # In that quaint old Cornish town # When, suddenly hurrying down the lane A figure I knew I saw quite plain.
'Twas Fanny from the fish shop! # With outstretched arms I rushed along And carried her into that merry throng.
Hop on, Fanny! Show them what you're made of! # And I fiddled - ha-ha! # And went dancingalong! # We danced to the men with the spurious tone # Of the cornet, clarinet, and big trombone # Fiddle, cello, big bass drum # Fife, bassoon, and euphonium # Each one making the most of his chance # Altogether in the floral dance # Dancing here, prancing there # Jigging, jogging everywhere # Up and down, around the town Hurrah for the Cornish floral dance! APPLAUSE