TallBoyz (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Fare is Fair
1 PETER: Oh! - MERLIN: [laughs.]
- PETER: Oh! Who are you? MERLIN: I'm Merlin the Magician.
And I call upon you, Peter James Brown.
PETER: Well, how do you know my name? MERLIN: You are the chosen one.
The bearer of the holy sword Excalibur.
PETER: Oh MERLIN: You must recruit an army of fearless soldiers, to bring peace to the [sword clanking.]
MERLIN: To the Okay, what are you - MERLIN: Okay.
Put Stop that! - PETER: Oh, sorry.
I thought it was my sword.
- MERLIN: This is very expensive.
- PETER: This old thing? MERLIN: There's only one of them! Where was I? We must find the ghost of Shashia and solve his riddles.
PETER: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Uh, yeah, this whole thing just seems like a lot, and I'm not really into it, so MERLIN: But you are the chosen one.
I mean, this is like a pretty big deal.
PETER: Yeah, I don't know.
Guess I'm not really feeling it.
So, you can hang on to that.
Gonna get out of your hair.
But, uh, hey, good luck with the whole beard thing.
Take it easy.
MERLIN: Would anyone like to be the King of England? PALADIN: I accept your most noble of quests, mighty Merlin.
MERLIN: Finally a knight.
PALADIN: Uh, technically, this is a costume.
I'm half El Paladin, but sometimes I cosplay as a knight.
MERLIN: Oh, great.
You're a freaking nerd.
Okay, You need to give that back to me now.
PALADIN: No, I can do it.
I swear.
MERLIN: No, no, no.
You are not the chosen one.
PALADIN: Just let me try.
MERLIN: No, you're more of a bystander, you know? - [sword pierces skin noise.]
- MERLIN: Whoa! PALADIN: [gasps.]
[groans.]
Oh, please, just get it out of me.
- DOCTOR: Can't.
- PALADIN: [groans.]
DOCTOR: Seems I'm not the chosen one.
PALADIN: Oh DOCTOR: Looks like it's stuck in there until - the rightful heir shows up.
- PALADIN: [moans.]
DOCTOR: You have health insurance? PALADIN: No.
DOCTOR: Well, that's gonna hurt even more, nerd.
PALADIN: [moans.]
TallBoyz - S01E08 Fare is Fair FRANCO: Hey, guys, I got to use the lavatory.
- VANCE: Have fun.
- TIM: Enjoy.
FRANCO: Would you mind playing some music or something while I go? These walls are super thin, and I don't like people hearing me.
- TIM: No worries.
- VANCE: You got it, dude.
FRANCO: Thanks.
- VANCE: When you got to go.
- TIM: Don't feel no shame.
GULED: Let that dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
[music playing.]
TIM: Floops got to poop, but he don't want us to hear it.
VANCE: He's feeling self conscious about the sound Of a shh TIM: Shut up and listen, homie, don't be embarrassed.
VANCE: We've been where you are on the porcelain ALL: Bare-assed.
GULED: Knowing that you're about to make Some real unholy noises.
You're intimate sounds heard by all your boyses.
TIM: But let me make it clear, There ain't nothing to fear.
We all pop and grunt, this ain't nothing new to hear.
VANCE: Now, if things get muddy, Please feel free to shower.
ALL: But knock on the door if you want us to get louder! [knock on door.]
VANCE: All right, buddy, yeah, we've heard your request.
ALL: Bless! VANCE: We're pushing out the rhymes so you don't - Feel no stress.
- ALL: Yes! VANCE: When push comes to shove, Yeah, I'm shoving you to push! TIM: To put you in a state of mind ALL: To liberate that tush! VANCE: We believe in you, dog, things will be all right.
TIM: If you're worried 'bout the funk, Here's a match you can light.
ALL: When it's time to go TIM: Go! ALL: Don't feel no shame.
TIM: Shame.
VANCE: Let the dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
ALL: When it's time to go, don't feel no shame.
TIM: Get that dookie from your bowels Like it's Andy Dufresne.
FRANCO: Nice work! Thanks for the Shawshank reference! TIM: Still got to rhyme, got a job to do.
My boy needs more time.
ALL: Time for verse two.
GULED: This reminds me of my high school girlfriend ALL: Shelly! GULED: Before Netflix and chill, we used to - Chill and watch - ALL: Telly! GULED: But, one day things went wrong.
- I could feel it in my - ALL: Belly! GULED: I ran to her bathroom worried things would get - ALL: Smelly! - Oh no, oh no! GULED: But then she said four words That changed my whole view.
In her soft sweet voice she said SHELLY: I believe in you.
GULED: From that day forward, that's when I knew.
Doo-doo don't make the man, man make the doo-doo.
ALL: When it's time to go, don't feel no shame.
SHELLY: Shame! GULED: Let that dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
- ALL: When it's time to go.
- FRANCO: Go! ALL: Don't feel no shame.
FRANCO: Shame! GULED: Be like Morpheus, Flushing Neo out the mainframe.
FRANCO: The Matrix! My second favourite movie! Thank you, guys.
That rap was tight.
You made number two such a delight.
My bowel movements you could barely hear.
Since I feel comfy now, I'll just finish in here.
TIM: No, no! Oh my! - VANCE: What are you doing?! - TIM: Aah! TIM: Uh-oh.
This woman seems to want something.
Play it cool, man.
WOMAN: Excuse me? TIM: Fine, and you? Uh WOMAN: Uh, yeah.
Sorry to bug you.
Uh, my phone died.
Do you know how to get to 275 MacKenzie Street? TIM: 275 MacKenzie Street? That's right next to my house.
And I'm on my way there now.
I could take her there, but then we'd be walking, like, right next to each other the whole way there.
TIM: Walking.
Am I right? TIM: So awkward.
No thank you.
I'll just give her the directions.
Let her walk ahead and follow a few steps behind.
TIM: [coughs.]
Um, hey, I'm not following you.
- WOMAN: [gasps.]
- TIM: [screams.]
TIM: Or maybe not.
I could lie and say I don't know where it is, but she'd find it eventually.
And that place is for sale.
- What if she ends up buying it? - WOMAN: You! TIM: Oh, uh, moving.
Am I right? TIM: Then I'd have to move back in with my parents.
DAD: Welcome home.
We're all nudists now.
TIM: Ugh, so gross.
I'm just gonna straight up tell her, and live with five minutes of awkwardness.
Eh, uh Uh WOMAN: Oh my God, he's been standing there for so long.
Please don't say something creepy.
TIM: Can't do it.
I'll just walk around the block instead.
It's just right over there.
WOMAN: Hm.
Ah! And he didn't even hit on me.
TERRY: [sighs.]
Thank you for seeing me again.
Um, I really hope to get into heaven.
Uh, third time's the charm, right? ADMINISTRATOR: And your previous applications have all been denied because of drinking? TERRY: Uh, it's not my fault.
If you just ADMINISTRATOR: It says here your friends keep pouring one out for you.
- Is that correct? - TERRY: Yes.
FRANCO: I can't believe it's been ten months.
This one's for you, Terry.
[liquid pouring on grass.]
TERRY: [burps.]
Oh, God.
Not now, guys.
GULED: Remember Terry climbing the wall of the high school? TIM: Oh, yeah, and then he fell through the roof of the principal's office.
[laughter.]
FRANCO: Didn't he get stuck in the ceiling? - GULED: Yeah, yeah.
- TIM: Yeah, that was Terry! - [laughter.]
- GULED: Yeah.
Who knew that asbestos would get him in the end? TERRY: [burps.]
Uh, IPA? When did we start drinking IPA? ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans.
TERRY: Okay.
Why is everyone wearing Uggs up here? I mean, like, what is this, high school 2007? [laughs.]
ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, this isn't going well.
FRANCO: And that's how he learned - how to make bail in Mexico.
- [laughter.]
- GULED: Terry was a maniac.
- TIM: Oh, yeah.
- [laughter.]
- TIM: Terry! TERRY: Oh, God! Okay, listen, you're killing me here, man.
Okay, you're not killing me.
The asbestos killed me.
ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, you're not impressing me much.
TERRY: [laughs.]
What are you, Shania Twain? - ADMINISTRATOR: Shania Twain? - TERRY: [laughs.]
[burps.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is that tequila? - ALL: Yeah! - [Mariachi music playing.]
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink! TERRY: Lets start Okay, um ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, we can't have people staggering around heaven three sheets to the wind.
TERRY: What's the worst that could happen? What, am I gonna, like, drive a cloud drunk? ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, these are souls.
ALL: Yeah! TERRY: You want to fight, man? ADMINISTRATOR: No, I don't want to fight.
TERRY: We'll start a band.
You know, I own a beginner's bass.
- [imitates bass sounds.]
- ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans Thanks for coming.
- TERRY: Uh - ADMINISTRATOR: What's that? - TERRY: [groans.]
- ADMINISTRATOR: Oh, God.
- What's that smell? - TERRY: What's happening to me? [dog panting.]
- [dog barks.]
- ALL: Aw! [dog barks.]
GULED: You miss him too, don't you, Roscoe? DOCTOR: As you know, there are all kinds of burns.
First degree, second degree, but you'll find that treating physical burns is only part of what we do here.
INTERN: You're referring to those cases where patients - have lost the ability to burn.
- DOCTOR: Exactly.
It's one of the most fascinating aspects of our work.
Take Young Simon here.
- How you feeling now? - SIMON: Good.
DOCTOR: Up, up, up.
What do we say? SIMON: If you're here, who's hijacking Tom Hanks' boat? DOCTOR: Oh, nice burn, son.
- NURSE: Code red! - Code red! DOCTOR: Gimme the rundown.
NURSE: 23-year-old male.
His burns are worse than ever.
- DOCTOR: Any "yo mama" jokes? - PATIENT: [moans.]
NURSE: Only "your mother" compliments.
DOCTOR: Anything else? NURSE: Doctor, I told him about my foreskin and butt hair.
He knows they touch.
DOCTOR: And I presume he roasted you? NURSE: He wants to draw me.
DOCTOR: My God.
My junior high yearbook.
Hey, stay with me.
PATIENT: [mumbling.]
DOCTOR: Son, look at this photo.
What do you see? PATIENT: I see the potential for a beautiful smile.
DOCTOR: God, it's like he didn't even see the headgear.
Hey, stay with me.
Stay with me.
I'm thinking of growing a chin strap beard.
Come on, burn me.
PATIENT: It would really frame your face nicely.
- [machine beeping.]
- INTERN: We're losing him.
DOCTOR: Nurse, get me my brown shoes, stat.
PATIENT: [moaning.]
- DOCTOR: Thank you.
- [machine beeping.]
DOCTOR: I have one question for you.
What are these? - What are these? - PATIENT: [coughs.]
Boy, you better get out of here with those shoes.
- DOCTOR: Yes.
- PATIENT: Those musty ass - NURSE & INTERN: [gasps.]
- PATIENT: Brown as shit DOCTOR: Yes.
PATIENT: Loaf of bread looking loafers.
DOCTOR: Good! PATIENT: Those look like some orthopaedic 70-year-old retired father shoes.
INTERN: His pulse is 120 over asshole.
PATIENT: Some officer, he did it looking shoes.
INTERN: Medically speaking.
He's getting mean.
PATIENT: You look like you only have sex in the missionary position and think paprika tastes spicy.
- SIMON: Damn.
- PATIENT: Oh, I ain't finished.
I ain't finished.
Uh-uh.
You ain't ready for this.
[chuckles.]
Here we go.
Yeah.
His forehead is so big NURSE & INTERN: How big is it? PATIENT: I can't tell whether his hairline is receding or his full head has succeeded.
Ha-ha-yah! Goddamn, this guy's head got a 4-1-K.
INTERN: Excellent.
How promising.
PATIENT: This daddy long leg lookin' fool, looking like you probably came out of the mind of Guillermo Del Toro.
Talking about the shape of Doctor over here, ha-ha! Except no one loves this fishy bitch, hey! I'm out! I'm back.
He ugly.
INTERN: Doctor, you did it! You saved him.
DOCTOR: Yes, I really saved the day.
SIMON: Doctor, you look like a Somali Danny Glover.
DOCTOR: Simon, read the room.
[knocking.]
ADAM: Dude, what's [sighs.]
Hey, Paul, how are ya? PAUL: What's that smell? - ADAM: Oh, I'm cooking.
- PAUL: You're cooking weed? ADAM: I'm cooking el cheddar.
- I'm smoking weed.
- PAUL: I said no weed.
I can smell it from all the way upstairs.
ADAM: In Montreal, people can do whatever they want in their apartments, man.
PAUL: Well, welcome to Toronto.
ADAM: Okay, Paul, I can't debate you right now.
I'm really high and all my arguments are like super abstract.
And besides, it's legal now.
I mean, ask my lawyer.
[cat meows.]
- [purring.]
- [meows.]
ADAM: Sick.
See? PAUL: See what? ADAM: I would like to remind you, this is a free country, Paul.
People died.
Soldiers died fighting for those freedoms.
VANCE: On my command, we're going over the top.
- [explosion.]
- SOLDIERS: [gasping.]
- TIM: Sir, I'm scared.
- VANCE: Then find your courage.
Remember why we're fighting.
GULED: Because some inbred European cousins - are mad at each other? - VANCE: Yes, but there's more.
We're fighting for freedom.
We're fighting for a future where a man living in a basement apartment in Toronto can smoke marijuana.
TIM: What's a basement apartment? VANCE: In the future, people live in apartments underground.
- TIM: Oh.
- GULED: Like a trench? VANCE: Even sadder than a trench.
GULED: Oh! VANCE: But that's worth dying for.
GULED: Wait, we're dying? FRANCO: Why would you tell us that? VANCE: We're definitely dying today.
- [man screams.]
- GULED: Oh! VANCE: But it's bigger than that.
The man in the apartment is Anishinaabe.
VANCE: Indigenous.
- VANCE: An Indian.
- SOLDIERS: Oh! - GULED: That's swell.
- FRANCO: What a world.
TIM: Well, if that's what you're fighting for, sir, that's what I'm fighting for too.
VANCE: On my command.
[screaming.]
- ADAM: [imitates explosion.]
- PAUL: Adam ADAM: I don't know if I can go.
- PAUL: Adam Adam! - ADAM: I can't go on.
PAUL: Just knock it off, or you're out.
- [door slams.]
- ADAM: [sighs.]
- [cat meows.]
- ADAM: Oh, man, are we boned? - [cat purring.]
- ADAM: [laughs.]
I knew I found you for a reason.
FRANCO: Found one.
We're almost there, guys.
We just need two more dollars so we can take the subway.
GULED: I'll check the vacuum cleaner.
VANCE: Oh, I think that's a toonie.
Uh, I need a hatchet.
TIM: Guys, look what I found.
Counterfeit subway transfers.
VANCE: Whoa.
Where'd you find those? FRANCO: They're mine, okay?! GULED: 'Kay, so, can we FRANCO: We can't use them, Guled! I walked away from that life a long time ago.
I'm sure you want me to tell the story.
- TIM: Nah, we're good.
- VANCE: No, it's fine.
- Thanks.
- FRANCO: It was a long time ago.
I was on the train with my former best friend, Isaac.
FRANCO: Neither of us had paid.
I was worried we were gonna get caught.
ISAAC: Man, don't worry.
We're not gonna get caught.
TTC EMPLOYEE: Transfer, please.
Transfer, please.
- MAN: Here you go.
- TTC EMPLOYEE: Thank you.
- ISAAC: Run.
- TTC EMPLOYEE: Hey! FRANCO: Train is for the people, man! Aah Aah! Isaac! ISAAC: Franco! FRANCO: He sacrificed himself for me.
From that day forward, I swore I'd pay my way.
Fair is fair, but not f-a-r-e, but rather, f-a-i-r.
GULED: Holy shit.
VANCE: Wow, great pun, Franco.
But you were right.
The train should be for the people.
TIM: And we're people.
GULED: Come on, Franco.
FRANCO: One last job.
Gentlemen, your first lesson in free transit.
Never pay for transit.
[coins clattering.]
GULED: I feel so alive! Is this a felony or a misdemeanour? TIM: I'm still nervous.
I mean, what if we get caught? - VANCE: Baby.
- FRANCO: Don't worry.
The only person that could tell these transfers are counterfeit is ISAAC: Transfer.
FRANCO: Oh my God.
I don't believe it.
ISAAC: Don't do it.
FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
ISAAC: Don't do it, man.
Don't do it.
- FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
- ISAAC: Don't do it.
FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
VANCE: Can you guys hear each other? FRANCO: Isaac! I'm sorry I left you behind.
I was scared because Run! ISAAC: I need back up! ISAAC: Whoa.
FRANCO: Train is for the people, man! ISAAC: Transit Authority! Freeze! [spits.]
ISAAC: Hey! Don't make me use this! - TIM: Is that pepper spray? - ISAAC: Yeah.
We're not allowed to have guns.
This isn't America.
- ALL: Oh, yeah.
- [all agreeing.]
TRANSIT COP: What's it gonna be, boys? [screaming.]
ADMINISTRATOR: Hmm Tall Boyz, huh? You don't look that tall to me.
GULED: That's because we're still sitting.
ADMINISTRATOR: You're still sitting? Ah, wise guy, huh? Well, looking over your forms, you're all clear for heaven.
[relieved sigh.]
ADMIN: You have to leave all your earthly possessions here.
Your keys, wallets, watch, anything sharp that you may have.
GULED: Wait a minute.
Hang on, guys.
I'm not ready to go.
I've still got so much more life to live.
TIM: Yeah.
And you know what? I want to do my taxes, and you can't do your civic duty if you're dead.
VANCE: He's right.
I want to be the first Indigenous prime minister, or a barback.
FRANCO: And I'm coming too, because if I've learned anything, it's that friends always stick together no matter what.
- [gun cocks.]
- FRANCO: Oh my God.
He's got a gun! TIM: But where'd you get that? ADMINISTRATOR: I got it from America.
TIM: Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
ADMINISTRATOR: Come on, boys, get 'em up! What's it gonna be? VANCE: Jump! - [all gasp.]
- [screaming.]
ADMINISTRATOR: What the [screaming.]
[thud.]
- ALL: Oh! - [breathing heavily.]
GULED: We're back! VANCE: We got a second chance at life.
FRANCO: We got to live it to the fullest.
- TIM: Yeah! - You guys wanna jump again? - GULED: Yeah.
- FRANCO: Yeah.
- TIM: Let's do it.
- VANCE: Yeah! VANCE: Oh what's internal bleeding smell like? TIM: Burnt toast? VANCE: Oh, I'm fine.
TIM: Man, I left my wallet in heaven.
[laughter.]
- PETER: Oh! Who are you? MERLIN: I'm Merlin the Magician.
And I call upon you, Peter James Brown.
PETER: Well, how do you know my name? MERLIN: You are the chosen one.
The bearer of the holy sword Excalibur.
PETER: Oh MERLIN: You must recruit an army of fearless soldiers, to bring peace to the [sword clanking.]
MERLIN: To the Okay, what are you - MERLIN: Okay.
Put Stop that! - PETER: Oh, sorry.
I thought it was my sword.
- MERLIN: This is very expensive.
- PETER: This old thing? MERLIN: There's only one of them! Where was I? We must find the ghost of Shashia and solve his riddles.
PETER: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Uh, yeah, this whole thing just seems like a lot, and I'm not really into it, so MERLIN: But you are the chosen one.
I mean, this is like a pretty big deal.
PETER: Yeah, I don't know.
Guess I'm not really feeling it.
So, you can hang on to that.
Gonna get out of your hair.
But, uh, hey, good luck with the whole beard thing.
Take it easy.
MERLIN: Would anyone like to be the King of England? PALADIN: I accept your most noble of quests, mighty Merlin.
MERLIN: Finally a knight.
PALADIN: Uh, technically, this is a costume.
I'm half El Paladin, but sometimes I cosplay as a knight.
MERLIN: Oh, great.
You're a freaking nerd.
Okay, You need to give that back to me now.
PALADIN: No, I can do it.
I swear.
MERLIN: No, no, no.
You are not the chosen one.
PALADIN: Just let me try.
MERLIN: No, you're more of a bystander, you know? - [sword pierces skin noise.]
- MERLIN: Whoa! PALADIN: [gasps.]
[groans.]
Oh, please, just get it out of me.
- DOCTOR: Can't.
- PALADIN: [groans.]
DOCTOR: Seems I'm not the chosen one.
PALADIN: Oh DOCTOR: Looks like it's stuck in there until - the rightful heir shows up.
- PALADIN: [moans.]
DOCTOR: You have health insurance? PALADIN: No.
DOCTOR: Well, that's gonna hurt even more, nerd.
PALADIN: [moans.]
TallBoyz - S01E08 Fare is Fair FRANCO: Hey, guys, I got to use the lavatory.
- VANCE: Have fun.
- TIM: Enjoy.
FRANCO: Would you mind playing some music or something while I go? These walls are super thin, and I don't like people hearing me.
- TIM: No worries.
- VANCE: You got it, dude.
FRANCO: Thanks.
- VANCE: When you got to go.
- TIM: Don't feel no shame.
GULED: Let that dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
[music playing.]
TIM: Floops got to poop, but he don't want us to hear it.
VANCE: He's feeling self conscious about the sound Of a shh TIM: Shut up and listen, homie, don't be embarrassed.
VANCE: We've been where you are on the porcelain ALL: Bare-assed.
GULED: Knowing that you're about to make Some real unholy noises.
You're intimate sounds heard by all your boyses.
TIM: But let me make it clear, There ain't nothing to fear.
We all pop and grunt, this ain't nothing new to hear.
VANCE: Now, if things get muddy, Please feel free to shower.
ALL: But knock on the door if you want us to get louder! [knock on door.]
VANCE: All right, buddy, yeah, we've heard your request.
ALL: Bless! VANCE: We're pushing out the rhymes so you don't - Feel no stress.
- ALL: Yes! VANCE: When push comes to shove, Yeah, I'm shoving you to push! TIM: To put you in a state of mind ALL: To liberate that tush! VANCE: We believe in you, dog, things will be all right.
TIM: If you're worried 'bout the funk, Here's a match you can light.
ALL: When it's time to go TIM: Go! ALL: Don't feel no shame.
TIM: Shame.
VANCE: Let the dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
ALL: When it's time to go, don't feel no shame.
TIM: Get that dookie from your bowels Like it's Andy Dufresne.
FRANCO: Nice work! Thanks for the Shawshank reference! TIM: Still got to rhyme, got a job to do.
My boy needs more time.
ALL: Time for verse two.
GULED: This reminds me of my high school girlfriend ALL: Shelly! GULED: Before Netflix and chill, we used to - Chill and watch - ALL: Telly! GULED: But, one day things went wrong.
- I could feel it in my - ALL: Belly! GULED: I ran to her bathroom worried things would get - ALL: Smelly! - Oh no, oh no! GULED: But then she said four words That changed my whole view.
In her soft sweet voice she said SHELLY: I believe in you.
GULED: From that day forward, that's when I knew.
Doo-doo don't make the man, man make the doo-doo.
ALL: When it's time to go, don't feel no shame.
SHELLY: Shame! GULED: Let that dookie out so you don't feel no pain.
- ALL: When it's time to go.
- FRANCO: Go! ALL: Don't feel no shame.
FRANCO: Shame! GULED: Be like Morpheus, Flushing Neo out the mainframe.
FRANCO: The Matrix! My second favourite movie! Thank you, guys.
That rap was tight.
You made number two such a delight.
My bowel movements you could barely hear.
Since I feel comfy now, I'll just finish in here.
TIM: No, no! Oh my! - VANCE: What are you doing?! - TIM: Aah! TIM: Uh-oh.
This woman seems to want something.
Play it cool, man.
WOMAN: Excuse me? TIM: Fine, and you? Uh WOMAN: Uh, yeah.
Sorry to bug you.
Uh, my phone died.
Do you know how to get to 275 MacKenzie Street? TIM: 275 MacKenzie Street? That's right next to my house.
And I'm on my way there now.
I could take her there, but then we'd be walking, like, right next to each other the whole way there.
TIM: Walking.
Am I right? TIM: So awkward.
No thank you.
I'll just give her the directions.
Let her walk ahead and follow a few steps behind.
TIM: [coughs.]
Um, hey, I'm not following you.
- WOMAN: [gasps.]
- TIM: [screams.]
TIM: Or maybe not.
I could lie and say I don't know where it is, but she'd find it eventually.
And that place is for sale.
- What if she ends up buying it? - WOMAN: You! TIM: Oh, uh, moving.
Am I right? TIM: Then I'd have to move back in with my parents.
DAD: Welcome home.
We're all nudists now.
TIM: Ugh, so gross.
I'm just gonna straight up tell her, and live with five minutes of awkwardness.
Eh, uh Uh WOMAN: Oh my God, he's been standing there for so long.
Please don't say something creepy.
TIM: Can't do it.
I'll just walk around the block instead.
It's just right over there.
WOMAN: Hm.
Ah! And he didn't even hit on me.
TERRY: [sighs.]
Thank you for seeing me again.
Um, I really hope to get into heaven.
Uh, third time's the charm, right? ADMINISTRATOR: And your previous applications have all been denied because of drinking? TERRY: Uh, it's not my fault.
If you just ADMINISTRATOR: It says here your friends keep pouring one out for you.
- Is that correct? - TERRY: Yes.
FRANCO: I can't believe it's been ten months.
This one's for you, Terry.
[liquid pouring on grass.]
TERRY: [burps.]
Oh, God.
Not now, guys.
GULED: Remember Terry climbing the wall of the high school? TIM: Oh, yeah, and then he fell through the roof of the principal's office.
[laughter.]
FRANCO: Didn't he get stuck in the ceiling? - GULED: Yeah, yeah.
- TIM: Yeah, that was Terry! - [laughter.]
- GULED: Yeah.
Who knew that asbestos would get him in the end? TERRY: [burps.]
Uh, IPA? When did we start drinking IPA? ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans.
TERRY: Okay.
Why is everyone wearing Uggs up here? I mean, like, what is this, high school 2007? [laughs.]
ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, this isn't going well.
FRANCO: And that's how he learned - how to make bail in Mexico.
- [laughter.]
- GULED: Terry was a maniac.
- TIM: Oh, yeah.
- [laughter.]
- TIM: Terry! TERRY: Oh, God! Okay, listen, you're killing me here, man.
Okay, you're not killing me.
The asbestos killed me.
ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, you're not impressing me much.
TERRY: [laughs.]
What are you, Shania Twain? - ADMINISTRATOR: Shania Twain? - TERRY: [laughs.]
[burps.]
Oh.
Oh, God.
Is that tequila? - ALL: Yeah! - [Mariachi music playing.]
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink! TERRY: Lets start Okay, um ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, we can't have people staggering around heaven three sheets to the wind.
TERRY: What's the worst that could happen? What, am I gonna, like, drive a cloud drunk? ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans, these are souls.
ALL: Yeah! TERRY: You want to fight, man? ADMINISTRATOR: No, I don't want to fight.
TERRY: We'll start a band.
You know, I own a beginner's bass.
- [imitates bass sounds.]
- ADMINISTRATOR: Mr.
Evans Thanks for coming.
- TERRY: Uh - ADMINISTRATOR: What's that? - TERRY: [groans.]
- ADMINISTRATOR: Oh, God.
- What's that smell? - TERRY: What's happening to me? [dog panting.]
- [dog barks.]
- ALL: Aw! [dog barks.]
GULED: You miss him too, don't you, Roscoe? DOCTOR: As you know, there are all kinds of burns.
First degree, second degree, but you'll find that treating physical burns is only part of what we do here.
INTERN: You're referring to those cases where patients - have lost the ability to burn.
- DOCTOR: Exactly.
It's one of the most fascinating aspects of our work.
Take Young Simon here.
- How you feeling now? - SIMON: Good.
DOCTOR: Up, up, up.
What do we say? SIMON: If you're here, who's hijacking Tom Hanks' boat? DOCTOR: Oh, nice burn, son.
- NURSE: Code red! - Code red! DOCTOR: Gimme the rundown.
NURSE: 23-year-old male.
His burns are worse than ever.
- DOCTOR: Any "yo mama" jokes? - PATIENT: [moans.]
NURSE: Only "your mother" compliments.
DOCTOR: Anything else? NURSE: Doctor, I told him about my foreskin and butt hair.
He knows they touch.
DOCTOR: And I presume he roasted you? NURSE: He wants to draw me.
DOCTOR: My God.
My junior high yearbook.
Hey, stay with me.
PATIENT: [mumbling.]
DOCTOR: Son, look at this photo.
What do you see? PATIENT: I see the potential for a beautiful smile.
DOCTOR: God, it's like he didn't even see the headgear.
Hey, stay with me.
Stay with me.
I'm thinking of growing a chin strap beard.
Come on, burn me.
PATIENT: It would really frame your face nicely.
- [machine beeping.]
- INTERN: We're losing him.
DOCTOR: Nurse, get me my brown shoes, stat.
PATIENT: [moaning.]
- DOCTOR: Thank you.
- [machine beeping.]
DOCTOR: I have one question for you.
What are these? - What are these? - PATIENT: [coughs.]
Boy, you better get out of here with those shoes.
- DOCTOR: Yes.
- PATIENT: Those musty ass - NURSE & INTERN: [gasps.]
- PATIENT: Brown as shit DOCTOR: Yes.
PATIENT: Loaf of bread looking loafers.
DOCTOR: Good! PATIENT: Those look like some orthopaedic 70-year-old retired father shoes.
INTERN: His pulse is 120 over asshole.
PATIENT: Some officer, he did it looking shoes.
INTERN: Medically speaking.
He's getting mean.
PATIENT: You look like you only have sex in the missionary position and think paprika tastes spicy.
- SIMON: Damn.
- PATIENT: Oh, I ain't finished.
I ain't finished.
Uh-uh.
You ain't ready for this.
[chuckles.]
Here we go.
Yeah.
His forehead is so big NURSE & INTERN: How big is it? PATIENT: I can't tell whether his hairline is receding or his full head has succeeded.
Ha-ha-yah! Goddamn, this guy's head got a 4-1-K.
INTERN: Excellent.
How promising.
PATIENT: This daddy long leg lookin' fool, looking like you probably came out of the mind of Guillermo Del Toro.
Talking about the shape of Doctor over here, ha-ha! Except no one loves this fishy bitch, hey! I'm out! I'm back.
He ugly.
INTERN: Doctor, you did it! You saved him.
DOCTOR: Yes, I really saved the day.
SIMON: Doctor, you look like a Somali Danny Glover.
DOCTOR: Simon, read the room.
[knocking.]
ADAM: Dude, what's [sighs.]
Hey, Paul, how are ya? PAUL: What's that smell? - ADAM: Oh, I'm cooking.
- PAUL: You're cooking weed? ADAM: I'm cooking el cheddar.
- I'm smoking weed.
- PAUL: I said no weed.
I can smell it from all the way upstairs.
ADAM: In Montreal, people can do whatever they want in their apartments, man.
PAUL: Well, welcome to Toronto.
ADAM: Okay, Paul, I can't debate you right now.
I'm really high and all my arguments are like super abstract.
And besides, it's legal now.
I mean, ask my lawyer.
[cat meows.]
- [purring.]
- [meows.]
ADAM: Sick.
See? PAUL: See what? ADAM: I would like to remind you, this is a free country, Paul.
People died.
Soldiers died fighting for those freedoms.
VANCE: On my command, we're going over the top.
- [explosion.]
- SOLDIERS: [gasping.]
- TIM: Sir, I'm scared.
- VANCE: Then find your courage.
Remember why we're fighting.
GULED: Because some inbred European cousins - are mad at each other? - VANCE: Yes, but there's more.
We're fighting for freedom.
We're fighting for a future where a man living in a basement apartment in Toronto can smoke marijuana.
TIM: What's a basement apartment? VANCE: In the future, people live in apartments underground.
- TIM: Oh.
- GULED: Like a trench? VANCE: Even sadder than a trench.
GULED: Oh! VANCE: But that's worth dying for.
GULED: Wait, we're dying? FRANCO: Why would you tell us that? VANCE: We're definitely dying today.
- [man screams.]
- GULED: Oh! VANCE: But it's bigger than that.
The man in the apartment is Anishinaabe.
VANCE: Indigenous.
- VANCE: An Indian.
- SOLDIERS: Oh! - GULED: That's swell.
- FRANCO: What a world.
TIM: Well, if that's what you're fighting for, sir, that's what I'm fighting for too.
VANCE: On my command.
[screaming.]
- ADAM: [imitates explosion.]
- PAUL: Adam ADAM: I don't know if I can go.
- PAUL: Adam Adam! - ADAM: I can't go on.
PAUL: Just knock it off, or you're out.
- [door slams.]
- ADAM: [sighs.]
- [cat meows.]
- ADAM: Oh, man, are we boned? - [cat purring.]
- ADAM: [laughs.]
I knew I found you for a reason.
FRANCO: Found one.
We're almost there, guys.
We just need two more dollars so we can take the subway.
GULED: I'll check the vacuum cleaner.
VANCE: Oh, I think that's a toonie.
Uh, I need a hatchet.
TIM: Guys, look what I found.
Counterfeit subway transfers.
VANCE: Whoa.
Where'd you find those? FRANCO: They're mine, okay?! GULED: 'Kay, so, can we FRANCO: We can't use them, Guled! I walked away from that life a long time ago.
I'm sure you want me to tell the story.
- TIM: Nah, we're good.
- VANCE: No, it's fine.
- Thanks.
- FRANCO: It was a long time ago.
I was on the train with my former best friend, Isaac.
FRANCO: Neither of us had paid.
I was worried we were gonna get caught.
ISAAC: Man, don't worry.
We're not gonna get caught.
TTC EMPLOYEE: Transfer, please.
Transfer, please.
- MAN: Here you go.
- TTC EMPLOYEE: Thank you.
- ISAAC: Run.
- TTC EMPLOYEE: Hey! FRANCO: Train is for the people, man! Aah Aah! Isaac! ISAAC: Franco! FRANCO: He sacrificed himself for me.
From that day forward, I swore I'd pay my way.
Fair is fair, but not f-a-r-e, but rather, f-a-i-r.
GULED: Holy shit.
VANCE: Wow, great pun, Franco.
But you were right.
The train should be for the people.
TIM: And we're people.
GULED: Come on, Franco.
FRANCO: One last job.
Gentlemen, your first lesson in free transit.
Never pay for transit.
[coins clattering.]
GULED: I feel so alive! Is this a felony or a misdemeanour? TIM: I'm still nervous.
I mean, what if we get caught? - VANCE: Baby.
- FRANCO: Don't worry.
The only person that could tell these transfers are counterfeit is ISAAC: Transfer.
FRANCO: Oh my God.
I don't believe it.
ISAAC: Don't do it.
FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
ISAAC: Don't do it, man.
Don't do it.
- FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
- ISAAC: Don't do it.
FRANCO: I'm gonna do it.
VANCE: Can you guys hear each other? FRANCO: Isaac! I'm sorry I left you behind.
I was scared because Run! ISAAC: I need back up! ISAAC: Whoa.
FRANCO: Train is for the people, man! ISAAC: Transit Authority! Freeze! [spits.]
ISAAC: Hey! Don't make me use this! - TIM: Is that pepper spray? - ISAAC: Yeah.
We're not allowed to have guns.
This isn't America.
- ALL: Oh, yeah.
- [all agreeing.]
TRANSIT COP: What's it gonna be, boys? [screaming.]
ADMINISTRATOR: Hmm Tall Boyz, huh? You don't look that tall to me.
GULED: That's because we're still sitting.
ADMINISTRATOR: You're still sitting? Ah, wise guy, huh? Well, looking over your forms, you're all clear for heaven.
[relieved sigh.]
ADMIN: You have to leave all your earthly possessions here.
Your keys, wallets, watch, anything sharp that you may have.
GULED: Wait a minute.
Hang on, guys.
I'm not ready to go.
I've still got so much more life to live.
TIM: Yeah.
And you know what? I want to do my taxes, and you can't do your civic duty if you're dead.
VANCE: He's right.
I want to be the first Indigenous prime minister, or a barback.
FRANCO: And I'm coming too, because if I've learned anything, it's that friends always stick together no matter what.
- [gun cocks.]
- FRANCO: Oh my God.
He's got a gun! TIM: But where'd you get that? ADMINISTRATOR: I got it from America.
TIM: Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
ADMINISTRATOR: Come on, boys, get 'em up! What's it gonna be? VANCE: Jump! - [all gasp.]
- [screaming.]
ADMINISTRATOR: What the [screaming.]
[thud.]
- ALL: Oh! - [breathing heavily.]
GULED: We're back! VANCE: We got a second chance at life.
FRANCO: We got to live it to the fullest.
- TIM: Yeah! - You guys wanna jump again? - GULED: Yeah.
- FRANCO: Yeah.
- TIM: Let's do it.
- VANCE: Yeah! VANCE: Oh what's internal bleeding smell like? TIM: Burnt toast? VANCE: Oh, I'm fine.
TIM: Man, I left my wallet in heaven.
[laughter.]