Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
[knocking]
- Uh, principal?
They told me you wanna see me
and that you're-you're furious.
Principal, you there?
- [laughs] Gotcha.
- Wait, what?
- The principal's at lunch.
- That's not funny
at all, Brenda.
I gotta question
your sense of humor.
- It's super funny, trust me.
- Since when do you have
a good personality?
I thought you were the boring
lady who sits in the hall.
- When the principal is here,
I'm buttoned-up Brenda.
But once he leaves, man,
I let lose.
- Let's get
buttoned-up Brenda back.
This is not working.
- Here's why I called you in.
- Okay.
- The principal's 20th
anniversary at school
is coming up.
So we're throwing him a roast.
- A roast?
- Where you make fun of people,
but you do it in a fun way.
And we want you
to be the roast master.
- Roast master?
That sounds like a lot of work.
I'm-I'm gonna pass.
- There's no passing.
No, no. No passing.
- Eh.
Count me out.
- It's been decided.
We already went
to the print shop.
We made a cardboard cutout.
- I didn't approve that.
That's not sanctioned.
- It's not up to you
to approve anything.
Once you're on school grounds,
pfft with your rights.
- I'm a minor, so you can
force me to be a roast master?
- Yes. We'll force you to sit
in a room as long as we want,
and we can force you
to make jokes.
- I know we friends
and everything
but this is a travesty.
- I know.
- I got passed over
for roast master, for you.
- I agree, you would have
been better, but hey,
don't let it ruin
the sleepover.
Do you mind if I run
some of my jokes by ya?
- What you got?
- I think I'm gonna open with,
"Greetings.
"The principal is very excited
"when he heard
we're having a roast.
"But I think the guy
was--I think
"he might have
thought we were
talking about roast beef."
- Oh, no.
- I gotta work on the phrasing
but that's the gist
of the joke.
- Yeah, we get it.
What else you got?
- The principal drives
a Ford Fiesta,
which is Spanish for "party."
But the last time I checked
this guy's a real
party pooper.
Am I right, people?
- Man, this is gonna be
terrible, man.
You gonna bomb.
- You're right, actually.
This is not funny.
- We got one night
to make you funny.
- All right, what do I do?
- Come with me, Tom.
- Wait, where are we going?
- Shh. My dad's asleep.
I don't wanna wake him.
- What is this weird room?
- This is a man cave.
- Are we allowed to be in here?
- We not men.
So technically
we breaking and entering.
- Oh, my God,
what an incredible room.
Wesley Snipes,
grown lady's boobs,
couple of weird hats.
This is incredible.
What do we do now?
- Oh, man, we are about
to watch some roast.
- Oh, he's got
a collection of roasts.
This is perfect.
Learn from the professionals.
- Ryan is so unattractive.
When he smiles at me,
I take an immediate shit.
- [laughing]
- Huh, kind of
an off-color joke.
- Oh, Brian, look at the nose
on that guy.
If you can find it.
It looks like
a pig's butthole.
- [laughing]
I love this dude, man.
- Is that funny
or very hurtful?
- At a roast you say things
that are hurtful.
But then you laugh and say,
"Just kidding. Love you buddy."
- Why not just say
the last part?
- Oh, that's not a joke really.
- What a dog-shit career
this guy has.
I mean, if I woke up
with that career
I'd put a shotgun in my mouth
and pull the trigger.
[laughing] Oh, Brian,
you pig nose son of a bitch.
Love you buddy.
Oh, you're the man.
You're the man.
- Ah, you see people
are having a ball.
Look at that.
- Right, but I can't say
any of these things.
I'm a kid.
- Like my dad says,
nothing more adorable
than a curse word coming out
of a young child's mouth.
- I don't think my mom
would agree,
but you guys seem to know what
you're talking about over here.
[crowd cheers, applauds]
- Uh, hi, gang.
I can't believe
you guys did this for me.
It's--after 20 years,
I love you people like family.
And as the saying goes,
you can't spell "principal"
without pal.
And that's--that's how you kids
make me feel.
Not like I'm your principal
or an authoritative figure,
just feel like I'm your pal.
And I--and I do appreciate it.
[applause]
- Wow, so emotional.
All right,
I'm your roast master.
If you need anything,
just holler.
Uh, why don't we start
with Dakota.
- Hi.
The Principal is a real bozo,
like, bozo the clown.
- Aw, so precious.
- Oh. [laughing]
Oh, she got me good.
- The principal is here
and he's really silly.
[laughs]
Am I right, guys?
- Oh, man, I'm questioning
the material, I really am.
- But we do love you and we're
so happy that you're here.
Thank you.
You've been roasted.
- Aw, this is adorable.
Oh, I hope someone's
filming this stuff.
- Umall right.
Number one.
The principal's glasses
are always dirty.
- [chuckling] That is true.
- The only thing filthier
than his glasses is his ex-wife
Shannon who was
caught sucking off the UPS guy.
- What?
- Language. Tom.
Okay. Wow. Tom.
- I got--I got more.
I got more.
I shouldn't have
opened with that.
The principal dreamed
of playing for the Yankees.
Right, Principal?
- Eh, it is true.
- But the last time I checked
there's no position in baseball
called fat piece of shit.
- Oh, this is horrible.
What the hell is going on?
- Do you just maybe have
some normal jokes?
- I was told foul language
is encouraged.
- Who told you that?
- You know what?
I-I know I had
some disappointments in my life
but I didn't know--I mean,
I'm gonna go drink myself
to sleep and cry into a sock.
- I should have stopped
with the roast beef joke.
[smoke alarm blares]
- Hey, kids. Get back in class.
Just because the principal
is out
does not mean
it's a free for all.
- Hey, go suck off the UPS guy!
Bam, you've been roasted,
Tom style, baby!
- They really latched on
to that phrase, didn't they?
- Well, well.
- I came to apologize.
- Sorry, Tom.
Principal called in sick.
- Oh, no.
- He's very depressed.
- I gotta say, I think maybe
Hector shouldn't have
called him a dumb-dumb.
That was in poor taste.
- Are you kidding, Tom?
Do you realize
that all the teachers
are calling you Asshole Tom?
- Now, that's
crossing the line.
- Oh, that's crossing the line?
Now you're deciding
what's in good taste.
- Well, just tell him
I'm sorry.
If you talk to him,
just tell him I'm sorry.
- No, there's no
I'm telling him anything.
You need to talk to him
and make this right.
- All right,
I'll go pop in and say hi.
I'm sure he's fine, though.
I mean, he's the principal.
[moody pop ballad playing
over speakers]
[doorbell rings]
- [moaning along to the music]
- What's going on in there?
- Principal, are you in there?
- [groans]
- Principal, are you okay?
- We gotta get in there.
- All right, you know what?
We're coming in.
Principal?
- Oh. Hey, guys.
Come on in. Grab a slice.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Are you sure? You really
look like a train wreck.
- Tom, your insults
were a real wake-up call.
And I've decided to quit my job
and become an assistant bookie
with my friend, Lu.
- Oh, no, don't do that.
Nah. Those were jokes.
- I'm sorry,
which part was untrue?
Do I not have a weight problem?
- Yes.
It's not an ideal physique.
- Did my wife not blow
the UPS driver?
- She did.
That's a well-documented story.
- Have I not failed at pursuing
all my childhood dreams?
- You've clearly failed
at many things.
But we can--you can laugh
about it now, right?
- Nah, you just don't laugh.
It's tragic.
Look at my bucket list.
I've crossed
not one thing off of it!
- Huh, let's see
what you got here.
Sit on a hammock?
That's pretty easy to do.
- Well, I literally sat
on a hammock an hour ago.
- Eat a steak?
- Yeah.
- You've never eaten a steak?
- I've come close but,
you know, something always
goes wrong.
- These seem like very easy
dreams to achieve.
- Yeah, well, that's what
makes it so pathetic.
- Oh, how does this sound?
Look.
If we help you check
everything off your list,
you come back
to school on Monday.
- How are you gonna help me
check every single thing
off this bucket list?
Take another look at it.
- Principal, we're gonna do it.
We're not taking no
for an answer.
- Deal.
- That's great. All right.
Let's shake.
Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
That's a very greasy hand.
- Number ten on the list.
Sit on a hammock.
- I did it.
Check it off the list.
I sat in a hammock.
Yes!
- Okay. You sat in a hammock.
- Oh, my God, I ate a steak!
After all these years.
Check another one
off the list, baby!
- Number three on the list,
believe it or not,
is slide down a bowling alley
like a human bowling ball.
- [laughing]
[pins clatter]
- Wow, that's top five?
- Oh, my God,
I'm riding in a Buick.
Check it off the list.
- Did number two on the list
really say "ride in Buick"?
- Says it right here.
"Ride in a late model Buick."
[indistinct chatter]
- Okay, one last thing
on the list.
See Glenn Hubert the comedian.
Who's Glenn Hubert by the way?
- He's only my favorite
comedian.
He does a clean act, just like
a ton of observational humor
about church and pudding
and cookies and picnics.
- Sounds like he sucks.
- Wait. Wait, what's this?
Sold out. Oh, no.
- This is just
just the story of my life.
I'm, like, so close
and then I blow it.
My neighbor's right.
I don't deserve to be happy.
- C'mon, don't give up.
We promised we would get
you to return to school.
Let me--let me see
what I can do.
- Go ahead.
- Hey.
Can I have a quick chat?
- Mm-hmm.
- Can we--can we talk,
comedian to comedian?
- I'm a doorman.
I'm not a comedian.
I'm not funny.
- Seem pretty funny.
- No, I'm not funny.
- Is there any way
you could sneak us in
to see Glenn Hubert?
It's for my pal.
He's not doing so well.
He's seen better days.
- What, your pal? Which one?
- Over there, over my shoulder.
- That's so sad.
- It is sad.
The number one thing
on his bucket list,
you ready for this?
See Glenn Hubert
live in concert.
- I'll talk to Glenn.
- That's amazing.
- Maybe he'll even give him
a shout out.
He loves doing
good deeds like this.
- That's a very good deed.
Listen, if I can ever repay
the favor, just say the word.
- Okay. What is it he can do?
- Anything, as long as, like,
it's related to the bassoon
or Wiffle ball
or basic things like that.
If you need a back--you wanna
borrow a backpack?
- Why would I want a backpack?
- I don't know.
I can't repay the favor.
This is a one way street.
All right, guys,
I pulled some strings.
I told him I'm a roast master.
We're in.
- What?
Oh, you're the best.
- We're seeing the whole act.
Glenn Hubert, Todd Glass
and free nachos.
- Wow.
Maybe he is the roast master.
- Yeah, in the comedy circles,
I get a lot of respect.
- You guys ready
for some wholesome comedy? Huh?
- Yes. What a night.
- Incredible.
- Yeah. Yeah.
How 'bout some clean jokes?
Well, here's your guy.
The sweetest, cleanest,
nicest guy in the game,
here he comes.
Give it up for Glenn Hubert.
[cheers and applause]
- [chuckles]
Hi. Hi, everyone.
I went to church this morning.
What's up with these pews?
Why are they always
made of wood?
Eh?
Ever hear of cushions?
C'mon.
[cheers and laughter]
- So him just saying the word
"cushions" is the punchline?
- Look at the principal.
He really loves this guy.
- Look at his eyes.
I've never seen him
light up like that before.
- I've never seen a guy
laugh like this.
- You know what ruffles
my feathers?
Pudding.
It's not quite ice cream
but not quite custard.
C'mon, pudding.
Make a decision.
- Not a great joke.
- Look, I like to tease.
But let's take it down a notch.
I understand we have a special
guest in the audience.
He's always wanted
to see me live,
and tonight he gets his wish.
Where is the little guy?
Don't be shy.
- Right here.
- Oh.
This is the guy.
- Right here, right here. Look.
- Wait. This is him?
[crowd murmuring]
I was told this is
the Make-A-Wish thing
for a little kid.
- Oh, no, I never said that.
- You clearly said my pal.
I thought it was him.
- If I said my pal,
I meant princi-pal.
- Princi what?
- You can't spell principal
without pal.
- What the hell does that mean?
- He's not a kid.
He's, like, in his early 50s.
- 46.
- Folks,
there's always
one asshole in the crowd,
and here he is.
- Wait. I'm actually, like,
your biggest fan.
- I tried to do a clean act,
folks, but fuck this guy.
- Glenn, please,
this is a special night.
- Oh, it's a special night?
In that case,
have a drink on me, asshole!
- C'mon, that was uncalled for.
- [groans]
- Oh, no, not the crotch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, don't touch me.
I still need to cross this
off my list.
- Look, if we need
a replacement,
I was on the shortlist
for roast master.
See what you think of this.
What's up with Tom's mom?
- Nelson, no.
- Always with the flip flops.
You live in New Jersey, biatch.
Buy some shoes.
Am I right?
[laughter]
- Wow, he is good.
If he'd have been
the roast master,
we would have avoided
so many problems.
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, kids.
The school play is coming up
and I've written
the script myself.
- Oh, no.
- Now, who would like
to handout the scripts?
- Um
I do ♪
- Thank you, Blaze.
Your enthusiasm is a delight.
- One for you. You're welcome.
- "A Daffodil for Terence"?
"A morose tale of anguish
and loss."
Oh, this sounds horrible.
- Hey, Mr. B.
Not to put a damper
on the whole thing,
but can I sit this one out?
I had a bad experience
last year.
Remember I threw up
and I pooped simultaneously?
They had to carry me off.
- I remember it all too well,
Tom.
But this year you only have
one line as the village idiot.
- Village idiot?
I mean, is that even
believable casting?
- That seems right.
- Blaze, please.
- I mean, I'll buy it.
- If anything,
it's too on the nose.
- Isn't there anything in there
for, like, the cool guy
or some kind of assassin or?
- Something about your face
just screams,
"I'm an idiot
who lives in a village."
- All right, I question
the casting choice
but let me sleep on it.
All right, so I'm playing
the village idiot, Lucian.
So why don't you just read
the lines
before that and I'll come in?
- Okay.
[clears throat]
"And we shall run through
the daffodils forever more."
"Enter Lucian, a real idiot.
He stands there stupidly."
- Um, here are your slippers,
sir.
Thanks, Ma.
That was a big help.
- That's it? Where are
the rest of your lines?
We're gonna do all your lines.
- No, that's it.
I give him the slippers
and then I-I leave.
- You hand off the slippers
and then you leave?
Tom, I'ma be real with you.
If I'm gonna get dressed up,
bath, and drive to that school
to hear one line,
it better be a doozy.
- No, no. No, no.
Don't get the pencil out.
No.
Mr. B doesn't like rewrites.
- It's a tweak.
- He said if we work off script
he's gonna physically harm us.
- I'm just putting this
in the script.
It's not a rewrite,
it's a tweak.
He said he's gonna
physically harm you?
- He said it more than once.
- When your line comes up,
this is what I want you to say.
- I actually like that.
- Right?
- Yeah, I think Mr. B is really
gonna see the humor in that.
[indistinct chatter]
- All right, everyone.
Welcome to our table read
for "A Daffodil for Terence."
I hope you all love it.
I really hope
some of you get it
because some people
can be quite thick.
- Is he looking at me?
- Nelson will read
our stage directions
and Blaze will be doing
double duty
as both our lead
and also the cat.
And now,
"A Daffodil for Terence."
- Curtains open on a bleak café
in Denmark.
The café is silent
except for the wailing moan
of a depressed cat.
- [meowing sadly]
- Such brave writing.
- Valdemar stands defiantly
above the motionless corpse.
Lucian enters
and discovers the carnage.
- Umuhwho farted?
[laughter]
- What?
- My script says "Who farted?"
Is that the right line?
- Stop laughing.
- That was hysterical.
- This table read
is now canceled.
And by the way, Denise,
I was talking about you
because you're thick.
You're slow.
- What the hell?
- All right, please calm down,
it's just a play.
- I spent 18 years
on that script.
And he adds one line
and he rewrites it
so that it's a fart joke.
- That was actually
my mom's rewrite.
- Oh, so is she
a village idiot too?
- No, very smart lady.
- Perhaps this is
a family business.
- You can't make money
doing that.
- Let's try to encourage
these kids.
That's what
I'm a principal for.
Okay, Tom?
Seriously, you did great.
- Thank you. It felt good.
- Great? He did great?
- You gotta admit that he got
the best reaction
of the play, okay?
So I have a great idea.
Let's recast
and have Tom play the lead.
- You can't be serious.
- No, I'm not a lead.
I like to blend in.
Don't put me up front.
- Mr. B, tell Blaze
he's demoted
and he'll play the cat.
That's fun.
- Oh, no, Blaze won't be happy
with that.
- He'll love it.
Meow. Meow.
He can remember
his lines easier.
- This is outrageous.
You have no respect
for my work nor my direction.
- I have a lot of respect
for your craft.
And Tom, ask your mom
if she can look at the script
and see if she can work in,
like, more fart jokes.
- We're talking, like,
one per page or?
- Fart it up.
- Oh, my God.
- Fart it up.
[light jazz music playing
over radio]
[tires squeal]
- Good God.
- Oh.
Aren't you Tom's weird teacher?
- I'm Mr. B
and I came to apologize.
May I come in?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, wow. The decor
is spectacularly mundane.
- Thank you.
- Oh, hey, Mr. B.
Listen, uh,
if you wanna recast,
that's fine.
I don't--I don't even
wanna be in the play.
- Tom, my hands are tied.
You have to be in the play.
- Oh, okay.
So why are you here?
- I've given this
a great deal of thought.
What if I were to take you
under my wing
and mold you in my image?
- Oh, no. No, no.
- Wouldn't you like to be
a short little
ten-year-old Mr. B?
- Not really, no.
That doesn't sound too good.
- We have one week, Tom.
- Whoa.
- And for that time, you will
live, eat,
and breathe Mr. B.
- No, I don't wanna do that.
- What, is he supposed to live
at your house?
- This will be a seven day
acting boot camp
- Please stop talking.
- Culminating with a trip
to Broadway.
- I don't like where
this is going.
- We'll take in a show,
meet my old acting friends
and stop for nibbles at Oso.
And it's all on me.
- Mom, say something.
- We're in.
- We're in? No, sounds like
my worst nightmare.
- But if it's a free dinner,
I feel like we have no choice.
- Oh, this is not gonna be fun.
[bells ringing]
- Louder, Tom.
Never say a line
when you can over enunciate it.
- "Ah, look at the daffodils."
- Put your body into it.
There's nothing
coming back at me, Tom.
They called me Mr. B.
- Why?
- Because I was
the mayor of Broadway.
- Then you just started
teaching at a grade school?
- Yes.
- Wow, look at that.
- Back in the day
I owned this town.
Tom, do you see
what he's doing?
You have to make sure
every syllable is heard.
- Shh. Shut up!
- This is my gift to you.
- "How to Act with Vigor
and Volume: Volume 2."
- On the roof of that building
I made love
to Marcia Gay Harden.
- Kind of a weird story
to tell a little kid.
- Yeah, very weird.
Let's get that free dinner.
[jazz music playing]
- Wow, this is so great.
I haven't seen you
in, like, 30 years.
- Seeing you again
makes me feel so alive.
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Oh, wow, you guys were all
in acting school together?
- Yeah, we--
- I was the star
of the class,
but I have to say,
my colleagues here
were very supportive.
- Well, you know, I'm not sure
"star" is the word I'd use.
- Gary, tell our friends here
the anecdote
about the time
Daniel Day-Lewis saw me perform
and said,
"Now, that is acting."
- Did that happen?
I have no memory of that.
- Tom, listen, I'm gonna run
to the little boys' room.
If the waiter comes,
order me a martini
with gherkins not olives
and tell him not to drown it
in vermouth
like a bourgeois fool.
- We'll just order
when you're back.
- Tom, I want you to lean in
and listen to me.
- Okay. What's up, Gary?
- Whatever he's teaching you,
do the opposite.
- Why? I thought he's the
best actor of his generation.
- Who told you that?
- Him.
- Yeah, he--he says it a lot.
- Oh, he was terrible,
the worst.
- Mm, I don't like this.
- So he didn't--he didn't pass
on "The Godfather"
'cause it was beneath him?
- They wouldn't even let him
do background work
in "Porky's."
- This is a disaster.
I just did a seven-day
boot camp with the guy.
- Forget everything he
taught you and remember this--
less is more.
- Less is more.
Less of what?
- A good actor can convey more
with a look
than a thousand words.
- It's all in your face.
- Just show 'em my face,
and I'm done?
- Yes, Tom. A subtle grimace
- Ooh, I like that.
- Or a menacing sneer.
- I have to admit--
Gary does seem like he knows
what he's talking about.
- I feel afraid,
but I'm also turned on.
- It's weird that
he's still sneering,
but it is--it is dramatic.
[dramatic music playing]
- I mean,
I don't mean to boast,
but I did train in New York
with a instructor named Gary.
- Wow, cool.
- Incredible.
- Had some nibbles at Orso.
The whole thing is just--
- Thomas.
- Hey, Mr. B.
It's the big night.
I'm ready to go.
- Fantastic.
Let's see what level
you're performing at.
- Oh, you wanna run the lines?
- Yes, Thomas.
- I wasn't planning on saying
any of the lines.
- What are you talking about?
- Your friend Gary
said less is more, so
- Tom, you need to talk.
Acting requires talking.
- Get it together.
- Ouch.
Oh, no, your friend Gary said
all I have to do is this
- Who's Gary?
- Ouch.
Can someone restrain
the cat, please?
- Gary is an imbecile.
- What?
- I have no choice but to step
in and play the part myself.
- Oh, no, Mr. B, I don't know
if acting's your strong suit.
- Tom, I am going on.
Give me the costume.
- No, Mr. B, please. Please.
Hey, stop. Mr. B.
- Get ready for a master class
in drama.
- Not gonna lie,
I had more fun last year
when I vomited
and pooped in my pants.
[indistinct chatter,
feedback whines]
- [over PA] Hey, folks,
quick update here--
uh, there's been a bit
of a casting change.
The lead will now be played
by our very own Mr. B,
and Tom is back
to playing the village idiot.
Okay, thanks so much.
- Hang on. What?
[soft music playing]
- Our story begins
at a bleak café in Denmark.
A lone cat moans
in the distance
- [imitates meowing]
[light applause]
- As a old man named Valdemar
enters frame.
- A plague, you say?
- Oh, my God.
- Dear parents
[crying]
We shall meet again.
And we shall run
through the daffodils
forever more.
[grunting]
- What the hell was that?
- That sucked.
[all booing]
- Are they saying "you"
or "boo"?
- That was awful.
And I'm friends with that man.
- Mr. B, can I give you
some acting tips real quick?
- Well, you may as well, Tom.
Everybody else has.
[whispering indistinctly]
Tom, I'm afraid
you might be right.
All right, you fucking idiots,
we'll take it
from Valdemar's soliloquy.
♪
Terence, my dear, dear Terence,
I must ask, and I must ask now.
Who amongst
you lost wastrels
farted?
- What the hell was that?
- Get him off the stage.
[all booing]
- Um, it's called comic relief,
you soulless gnomes.
- Man, who says "fart"
and don't get a laugh?
- Yeah, he really butchered
my mom's dialogue.
On paper,
that line was great.
- Remember,
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
And patterns
to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember,
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof
that our life ♪
Is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember, it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember, if there's one
good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth ♪
We can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪