The Addams Family (1964) s01e08 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family -GOM EZ: Caught in the act.
-Gomez, darling, you startled me.
What a thing for a husband to see.
On the day when an old suitor is coming to visit, he finds his wife striving to make herself even more beautiful.
Darling, Lionel Barker was not an old suitor.
He's just a childhood friend.
Yet when you got his Ietter, your eyes Iit up Iike candles in a cave.
You need be jealous of no one.
I've been yours since that first day you carved my initials in your Ieg.
And I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding sidesaddle on a buffalo.
querido.
querida.
Then you don't mind that I plan to ask Lionel to be our houseguest? Not at all.
I want him to see what a Iovely home we have.
Would you Iike to see what I've done with the guest room? Delighted.
Though it may give me a twinge.
-Charming, absolutely charming.
-I knew you'd be pleased.
How did you ever think of all these homey Iittle touches? Just a knack.
Will you Iook at that? -This mattress, it's harder than ours.
-No mattress, silly.
-Natural wood.
Knotty pine.
-Superb.
Do you really think Lionel will Iike it? If he's a man of taste, and I'm sure he is.
Look, Lionel, you think it's worth it? Going into that creep joint, I mean.
As I remember this Morticia dame, she's even spookier than this house.
I know they got dough, Iots of it, and we need some now.
What're you gonna give them? That uranium stock spiel? I have a feeling they're more the phony oil stock type.
Now, wait here and keep your fingers crossed, Charlie.
-Yes? -I Mrs.
Addams is expecting me.
I'm Lionel Barker.
Follow me.
-You're the butler? -Lurch, sir.
Lurch.
Pardon me.
-Lionel? -Morticia! -Lionel, how good to see you.
-You haven't changed a bit.
-Except that she's married now.
-This is my husband, Gomez Addams.
-Lionel Barker.
-You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr.
Addams.
Yes, a man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.
Yeah, yeah.
It's quite a place you have here.
As Iong as you're in town, it's your home.
-Oh, no, really, I couldn't.
-We insist.
We'll send for your bags.
They're right outside.
I happened to bring them with me.
How fortunate.
Darling.
You rang? Lurch, Mr.
Barker's bags are outside.
PIease take them to the guest room.
Perhaps our Mr.
Barker would Iike to join us in a cup of tea.
That would be marvelous.
And we can chat about those glorious, gloomy days of our youth.
-Those were the fun days.
-Yes.
Do you remember the first time we met? I was in the garden, playing with Hubert and Henery.
And you strolled by, and I asked you in.
And I said I'd come in if you got rid of Hubert and Henery.
MORTICIA: I never understood why.
-They were such adorable vultures.
-Just not my type, I guess.
Darling, I'm afraid we're Ieaving you out of the conversation.
You know how it is when old friends get together.
Excuse me, I have an urgent call to make.
Must you, dear? We'll miss you.
Mr.
Barker will be able to amuse you while I'm gone.
-Hope I didn't upset him.
-Gomez? Dear Gomez.
There's not a jealous bone in his body.
"You know how it is when old friends get together.
" Wonderful, wonderful.
Says we're gonna have a big storm tomorrow.
Uncle Fester, I'm baring my soul to you, and you just stand there casually reading your newspaper, and Iast year's.
I've been trying to catch up on my reading.
This is the first quiet moment I've spent in this thing in days.
Mama practically Iives in it.
You know something? She's getting selfish in her old age.
Fester, what am I going to do about Lionel? Who's Lionel? Lionel? I really had a case on you in those days.
Even wrote a poem about you.
Yes, a very romantic one, if I remember correctly.
I've kept it with all my other treasures, down in the basement.
-Pretty silly stuff, really.
-I don't think so at all.
How did it go again? LIONEL: "Morticia, you are the only one for me.
"I know I shall always want you for my very own.
" Can it be true, Uncle Fester? Can she actually be smitten with this Lionel? -Who's Lionel? -Fester.
Oh, that Lionel.
Must be.
Just going off riding with him.
I engineered that so we could talk.
Well, still, forgetting to feed her plants.
Poor things, they're nearly starved.
They won't even Iet me feed them.
A hideous how do you do.
-Why don't you throw him out? -I couldn't.
She would have thought that I was jealous.
-Are you? -Of course.
It's gnawing at my insides, Iike a tiger gnawing at an antelope.
I wish it would stop.
I'm beginning to enjoy it.
Well, you gotta get rid of him somehow.
I have a plan.
We'll make it so uncomfortable for him that he'll want to Ieave.
-I'll need your help.
-You can count on me.
-First, we rearrange his room.
-Brilliant! Well, no use Ietting this go to waste.
Why doesn't she cook this for us? It's horrible, Gomez.
Just horrible.
-Yes, we've done a magnificent job.
-It's more than any man could stand.
Lionel is going to run screaming into the night.
Feel this mattress.
Eugh.
Listen to this.
Just Iisten to that awful bird.
I can't stand it.
Let's get out of here.
I can't wait till tomorrow morning at breakfast, just Morticia and me.
No Lionel.
That's the best breakfast I've had in days.
Gomez, darling, you haven't touched yours.
-I've Iost my appetite.
-I must say, you folks are wonderful hosts.
That room.
That beautiful, soft, downy bed.
And that gorgeous canary singing me to sleep.
And those carnations.
In your room? -You really Iiked them? -Loved them.
Well, I must call my business associate.
Excuse me.
By the way, I dabble in stocks and I might be able to put you onto something good.
We'll discuss it a Iittle Iater, okay? Gomez, I don't see how you could have done such a terrible thing to our guest.
-Yes, I do.
You're jealous.
-Me? Jealous? That's Iaughable.
No, no, Charlie.
I'm not stalling.
I gotta give the guy the buildup.
Just sit tight and pretty soon we'll split a bundle.
Yeah, bye-bye.
You know, when I'm through here, Gomez, you ought to stretch out for a while.
-Wonderful picker-upper.
-I don't have time.
We must concoct another scheme to break up this romance.
I have it.
A diversionary tactic.
Another woman.
Oh, that's good.
You mean to come between him and Morticia, huh? Right.
A seductive creature with an irresistible allure.
Now, where can we find one? How about Grandmama? You know, the merry widow.
No, Grandmama prefers taller men.
But she is the type we want.
Maybe we could get my old sweetheart, Queenie.
No, she'd never Ieave the circus.
Those bearded Iadies make a fortune.
If only he hadn't seen Lurch.
You know, he'd be ideal in a wig and a dress.
If only Lurch were a maid instead of a butler.
That's it.
A maid.
I'll hire a maid from an employment agency.
I'll insist on one who is interested in getting married.
Good.
Right this way, Miss What is your name? Mildred, sir.
-Gee, this place is sort of spooky.
-Thank you.
-Now, about your duties -Oh, no.
I'm not staying.
-I think I can change your mind, miss.
-You don't have that much money.
But I do have a houseguest.
A dashing young bachelor who would find you most attractive.
A man, sir? The kind who needs a wife.
In fact, he is seeking one desperately, and it could be you.
Well, this isn't such a bad place after all.
Your room is right in there.
Well, Uncle Fester, it Iooks Iike we have a winner.
A knockout.
Those tiny eyes shining through her glasses.
And did you notice the way her knees knock together? Uncle Fester, at your age.
I've still got an eye for beauty.
By tomorrow, Lionel will be her slave.
-Is there anything I could bring you, sir? -No, no.
-Tea or coffee? Milk? Vegetable juice? -No, no, no and no.
What's the matter with you, anyway? You followed me all over the place Iast night.
When I turned in, I Iooked under the bed to make sure you weren't there.
-Now there you go again.
-She's not making much progress.
Too shy.
I'll Iight it for you, sir.
That does it.
This girl needs instruction in the art of Iove from an expert.
You? In my younger days, I had women eating out of my hand.
A bit messy, wasn't it? You're simply too timid.
You've got to move in on him.
-You mean chase him? -I mean catch him.
Grab him in your arms, Iike this.
And pour out your heart.
No Ionger can I hide my feelings, my Iove.
Give me your Iips.
There, have you got it now? Where is Lionel? Which way did he go? Never mind.
I'll find him.
Thank you, Thing.
I'm sorry to make a spectacle of myself, Thing.
But my world has come down around my ears.
There's another woman.
No, it's true, there is.
I know you can be blase about it.
You've never been married.
Or have you? I thought not.
Thing, what am I gonna do? No, no.
No violence.
Not even hair-pulling.
Nor eye-scratching.
Thank you, anyway, Thing.
Thing? Wish me Iuck.
Thank you, Thing.
You're a true friend.
I didn't know you were out here, Morticia.
Uncle Fester, I know why Gomez brought that woman into this house.
Oh, you do, huh? Well, so do I, and I think it's a fine idea.
A fine idea? No, no.
CIeopatra, no.
I will not condone violence.
Down, girl.
I think I'll go upstairs to my room and Iie down for a while.
I'm going up the back stairs.
You see? Everything worked out fine, smarty.
You hit me in the nose.
Well, well, well.
Checking your stocks, I see.
How're they going? Up, naturally.
You know, you folks have been wonderful to me, Gomez.
In fact, I'm very fond of the whole family.
-Especially Morticia, hmm? -I've always had a warm spot for her.
What I started to say was, I'm going to do you a big favor.
You see, a pal of mine is the president of the South Tasmanian Oil Corporation If your pal put your money into South Tasmanian Oil, you ought to have him boiled in it.
The market is bullish today, Lionel.
I mean, Mr.
Barker.
Bullish? You mean, you really dig this jazz? Well, I've always put my money into stocks.
Let's not talk about stocks, Mildred.
Let's talk about you.
-Me? -Come.
Let me gaze into your big, beautiful, blue chip Eyes.
Is something wrong? Tell me.
I think you know what's darkened our Iives.
Yes, I fear I do.
The hands that should caress my Ioving feet now caress the dragon.
But who are you caressing in your mind? Not me.
Gomez, please Ieave me.
I can't talk now.
I must think.
Very well.
If that's what you want, I'll go.
I, too, must think.
There is no Ionger any doubt about it.
She's in Iove with Lionel.
-Well, what are you going to do? -The only decent thing I can do.
Leave this Iife, and Iet Morticia marry the man she Ioves.
-You mean you're going to kill yourself? -Of course not.
Suicide is the coward's way out.
I'm going to Iet you kill me.
Me? You're my favorite nephew, Gomez.
You've been nice to me.
I Iike you.
AII I ask is one small favor.
Shoot me.
Well, if I refuse, I'd be an ingrate.
-AII right, stand over by the wall.
-Thank you, Uncle Fester.
You're a true friend.
Ready.
Aim.
Fire.
I would Iike to be shot, Uncle Fester, not drowned.
I'm sorry, this must be one of the children's guns.
-But I'll do better next time.
-You must.
It's the only bullet we have.
Now, close your eyes.
Lurch, I hope you're a better hangman than Uncle Fester was a marksman.
It's my rope, isn't it, Gomez? I furnished the rope.
That's a bit scratchy.
Better, sir? That's fine.
Thank you, Lurch.
Very comfortable.
Would you throw the other end of the rope up over the rafter? No, no, wait a minute.
It's my rope.
I can AII I have to do is just throw it up over this rafter Iike this.
What's the matter with that thing? Uncle Fester, do you recall where you got that rope years ago? Sure, don't you remember? I got it from an old friend of mine, Raj Maja, the Indian fakir.
Yeah, he used to throw it up in the air, then he'd climb Still works, doesn't it? It's no use, Lurch.
Apparently, I am doomed to Iive.
Sorry, sir.
You rang? Gad, she's Iovely.
How could I Iive without her? Yet I must.
-Morticia, I must speak to you.
-And I to you.
Gomez, we've had a Iong and happy marriage.
Yes, we have, indeed.
Our Iife together has been filled with joy.
Until now.
I've heard of other marriages, where someone new has come along And Iove grew cold.
And husband and wife have come to the parting of the ways.
We have come to the parting of the ways, Gomez.
Our hour has struck.
We've gotta do something, Lurch.
Soothing music? To the harpsichord.
-What will be, will be.
I have no regrets.
-Nor do I.
-AII I want is your happiness.
-My only wish is to make you happy.
Now that you're in Iove with someone else, I'll step aside.
Though my heart is breaking, I'll freely give you up, -so you can go away with Mildred.
-So you can go away with Lionel.
-Mildred? -Lionel? Somebody call us? I don't want Mildred.
-I thought you were in Iove -With Lionel? Me? -querido.
-querida.
We just dropped in to give you the good news.
We're off on our honeymoon.
-Honeymoon? -You're married? About an hour ago.
At City Hall.
-Congratulations.
-That's wonderful.
Well, Iet's go, baby.
-Gomez, I'm so happy for them.
-I'm even happier for us.
If I wasn't such a rotten shot, you wouldn't be here, would you? What's this? I nearly did an impulsive thing, my dear.
But my guardian spirit was Iooking after me.
-Somebody down there Iikes me.
-Somebody up here Iikes you, too, bubele.
There.
"When the blazing sun has turned to mud "and the moon Iies dead in a pool of blood, "and the tom-tom beat of eternity starts, "whom will I Iove in my heart of hearts? "Morticia.
" Gomez, that's beautiful.
And it's such a perfect night for poetry.
I just wanted to show you that Lionel's not the only one who can write poetry for you.
Oh, Lionel.
He couldn't hold a candle to you.
Perhaps we should Iet him try it sometime.
Might be a fascinating experience.
-No, he'll be too busy for that.
-Oh? Working night and day, poor chap.
Those stocks his wife owns, down to nothing.
Really? Well, things Iike that don't matter, not when you marry for Iove.