The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

1- Oh, I'm so excited
to continue questing.
It's gonna be hard to top
being almost eaten by a dragon.
I wonder what we're gonna do.
Hang glide through
the jungles of Ganthor,
rescue a fair maiden
from the warlock's spell
or storm the castle
of Gilgamesh the Immortal?
- Our next adventure will be
the most noble
of all our quests.
We're hosting
a dinner party.
- Ohh.
- Well, I know how you feel
about small talk,
so that could be terrifying.
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
♪
- Does it have to be
a dinner party?
- Oh, we can have a game night.
- I mean, how about
a murder mystery?
- Does anyone like
"Settlers of the Realm"?
- Oh! A toga party.
- "Bards Against Humanity"?
- No.
It's the next step in my plan.
A dinner party should be
our easiest quest yet.
- Easier than the great quest
to find my reading glasses?
- That wasn't a quest,
and you were wearing them.
- Well, I'll have you know
I can't find them again.
- They're on your forehead.
- Oh. Mystery solved.
-
- So how's this gonna work?
- I'm glad you asked.
The greatest map maker
in all of Gothmoria,
Christoph the Cartographer Unicorn,
has agreed to come here
and draw us a map
to the demon Alvin's lair.
With this map, I can finally
rescue my brother Kendar.
- Wouldn't it be easier
to just buy one
at Maps, Crafts and Yonder?
- No. Because Christoph
is the only living creature
who has the magic
to find Alvin's lair.
- Oh, cool.
- Horus, help me out
with this little
questing back story.
- Behold!
Christoph only emerges
from the enchanted forest
every hundredth blue moon
to offer his services.
His maps are detailed
and exquisite,
and always give
the most precise directions.
It even includes where
you find indoor outhouses.
- But he's very particular
about who he bestows
his maps upon.
He requires a lavish dinner
be thrown in his honor,
and the host bend
to his every whim.
We'll only have one chance
to impress him.
And if we don't,
Christoph will return
to the
enchanted forest
for another hundred blue moons.
And if he does,
we may never find
where my brother is hidden.
- Oh, I get it. A cartographer
is someone who makes maps.
- The point is,
we have no second chances.
We all have to work together
to wow Christoph.
Kyle, you're in charge
of the food.
- How about I make him
a nice steak?
- Fine. Stacey, you'll give him
a relaxing spa treatment.
You know, leeches
or bloodletting,
whatever fancy people do.
- Okay, but no feet.
I hate feet.
- And Evan, I've hired
Christoph's favorite comedian,
Squid Caesar,
as entertainment.
So I need you to make sure
Mr. Caesar is taken care of.
- Squid Caesar?
He's the biggest
insult celebrity comic around.
How did you get Squid Caesar
to agree to come here?
- I threatened his manager that
I'd throw him off
the Cliffs of Chaos.
- Hmm.
- And what's my role
in this quest?
- You have the most
important job of all.
- Motherhood. Got it.
- No.
I need you to watch the door.
Let me know when they get here,
and make sure our entertainer
and guest of honor
get a lot
of fanfare and hubbub.
- I will not leave that door.
People won't know where
that door ends and I begin.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to go tinkle.
Huh!
- Whoa!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Caesar.
- Oh, you're a sharp one.
I guess you made your point.
Blammo!
- Squid Caesar?
Wow, wow, wow!
- Calm down, Evan.
Don't scare him away.
- You're "the" Squid Caesar.
I--I would love
to shake your hand,
but I don't know which one
to shake.
- Whoa, you're a short one.
You're so short, you could pose
for trophies. Blammo!
- Seriously, kid.
You're so short, you don't know
if you have a headache
or a foot ache. Blammo!
Oh, oh, insult me again.
Go ahead,
really give it to me this time.
- Okay, we don't want to wear
Mr. Caesar out.
Stacey!
- Uhh!
- 'Sup?
- Please show Mr. Caesar
to our VIP area.
- Right this way.
- Ooh, look at that walk.
You're a little pigeon-toed
for an owl, aren't you? Blammo!
- Oh, boy.
Every blammo's
just perfectly timed.
It's so good.
I'm sorry,
just a little excited.
- You're a little everything.
Blammo!
Get it?
'Cause you're little.
- Mm, you're no Squid Caesar.
- All right.
Welcome to our VIP area.
Pop a squat.
- Oh, don't mind if I do.
I'm game.
Oh, wait. You're game.
Ho, ho, ho!
You know,
I've never been escorted
by a talking pillow before.
Blammo!
- Ha.
- Ooh, yeah tough crowd.
Tough crowd.
- Can I get you
something to drink?
- Uh, yes. Literally anything.
I'm a squid.
I need hydration.
- Anything liquid,
coming right up.
- Mm-hmm.
VIP room?
What's that stand for?
Very Inadequate Paycheck?
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Kyle, this is important.
What are you cooking?
- I'm gonna start with my
fresh made crab cakes.
Great.
- Then I'm gonna wow him
with my seasoned Pegasus steak.
Cool.
- And for dessert, I have
a delicious strawberry pudding.
Yum!
- Mwah!
But you gotta stir it
constantly,
or it ends up everywhere.
Hey, Stacey,
do you mind stirring
while I get started
on the steak?
- Go team.
- Go team.
And remember,
you gotta keep stirring
or it's gonna get ruined.
- Yeah, I got it.
Stirring the pot
is kinda my thing.
- How's Squid Caesar?
- Oh, right.
He wanted something to drink,
but now I'm on pudding duty.
- Mutter, mutter,
disaster, mutter, mutter.
- I can hear you muttering,
you know.
- You were supposed to!
Hi! Hi, there.
A glass of water
for Mr. Caesar?
Aren't you gonna insult me,
you know?
The only thing more uptight
than that barbarian
is her headband!
Mr. Caesar? Squid?
No.
No-no-no-no.
Please be sleeping.
Please be sleeping.
Please just be sleeping.
Come on, wake up. Wh-wh-wh--
- Whoa! Grab some lemon
and marinara.
That is one deceased squid.
- I can fix this.
It's just a little hiccup.
I just need
a little bit more time.
- Hey, unicorn's here.
- Blammo.
- Ugh.
- Did you kill him?
- With kindness, maybe.
Okay, we both know
that's not true.
I just brought him back here
like you asked!
- Whoa! That squid's not alive.
- We know. Stacey killed him.
- No, he was alive
when I left him.
- Well maybe it's because
he's sitting
on the giant block of salt
that I use to season my steaks.
- Told you it wasn't my fault.
- The salt sucked all
the moisture out of his body.
- Like a slug.
- This is terrible.
- You're telling me.
Now my steaks are gonna
taste more surf than turf.
- Focus, Kyle. Focus.
- I'll just remarket everything
as, uh, sea cow.
- We're doomed.
♪
- Christoph!
What an honor it is
to have you
in our humble tavern.
Thank you for gracing us
with your presence.
- Yes, what a rustic
and seedy décor.
I can't believe Squid Caesar's
actually playing this joint.
- I know. Neither can I.
Who comes here? Not me.
- I've heard
his act is to die for.
You know, I haven't actually
seen him live before.
- You should have been here
a few minutes ago.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Nothing. Right this way.
-
- So, you don't actually know
what Squid Caesar
looks like, then.
- Mm. I'm assuming he looks
like a squid.
-
Yeah. Of course he does.
- Christoph is hot.
Christoph doesn't
like being hot.
- Stacey!
- Yeah.
- Please make sure Christoph
is adequately chilled.
And try not to kill him.
- I'm still hot.
- I'm hot.
-
- Now I'm too cold.
- Horace.
- Huh?
- You were supposed to be
watching the door.
Christoph was out
there all alone.
- Oh, I was told
to stir the pudding.
Oh, it makes this really neat
squishy sound when you do it.
Listen.
Well, of course now
it won't do it.
- Somebody else can stir
the pudding.
Where's Evan?
- Ugh.
- Evan!
- Oh, shh.
Uh, we're meditating.
Squid's clearing his head
before a big show.
You wouldn't understand
'cause you're not
a performer like we are.
- Uh, Evan? You should know--
- Shh. Oh, uh, yeah.
We should hold it down
'cause Squid's
still meditating.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- Well--
- Shh.
- Wash your hands.
-
- Oh, good, you're here.
Could you stir
this pudding for a while?
My arm is killing me.
- Fine.
- Ugh.
- Go make sure Christoph
doesn't leave.
- Oh, right. But first,
I have to go tinkle again.
- Uhh.
-
Christoph is hungry.
Where is Christoph's food?
- Please tell me
dinner's almost ready.
- I'm on it.
Just havin' a little trouble
with the crab cakes.
Smash! Bang! Crush!
- Ugh, just bite them
like I do.
- Huh?
Huh, uh!
Ha.
- Problem solved.
- And yet, so many
more problems to go.
- How 'bout I skip
to the main course?
Here you go, sir.
Beautiful Pegasus steak
wrapped in the finest bacon
of Gothmoria,
draped in a beautiful beef
and peppercorn sauce.
My mother's homemade recipe.
- I'm a vegetarian.
- Excellent, sir.
I'll be back with
something green in a moment.
He's a vegetarian.
The horse is a vegetarian.
- Ah. The pudding doesn't
have meat in it, does it?
- Well, I can strain it out
before I serve it.
He'll never know.
- Wasn't Christoph
supposed to get a pedicure
and a hoof polish?
- You promised him a pedicure?
- Yes. Yes, I did.
Now you get out there,
and you polish some hooves!
- You owe me big time.
- Hmm, hm, hm.
- Hi, I'm Stacey. And I'll be
your spa treatment specialist.
Would you care
for a pre-dinner pedicure?
- Hm.
- It's our specialty here
at the Goiter, along with
poorly hatched plans.
-
- Huh.
- Christoph would love one.
♪
- Holy pellets.
- I gotta warn you,
it's been a hundred blue moons
since my last one.
-
- They're a little muddy.
- I can do this.
- What are we gonna do?
We have no food
and no entertainment.
- Hmm.
I could razzle dazzle
him with some magic!
Levitate!
Ehh.
- That neither razzled
or dazzled.
- That Squid Caesar
is a genius.
Salt of the earth.
He didn't interrupt me once.
You know, you all can learn
a lot from that guy.
- He's gone, Evan.
- He's right over there,
which is why
I'm being a little quiet.
- No. You have been talking
to a squid
who has left the mortal coil.
He has sloughed off his body.
He is liquid-less,
soul-less, dead.
- You guys left me
back there
with a corpse?
Although it totally explains
the smell.
I thought I was gonna have
to have
a real awkward conversation
with the guy
about personal hygiene,
so crisis averted.
- Those things are nasty
without a shoe.
I think I have
hoof-and-mouth disease.
- Guys! We need that map if we
are going to rescue my brother.
Who was stolen
by the demon Alvin.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Do I talk about
my missing brother too much?
- Mm-mm?
- Wait.
If you're all here,
who's watching Christoph?
♪
- He's gone!
- All right,
I am all set to man that door.
What did I miss something?
- Christoph, Christoph, wait.
- Whatever it is I left behind,
just keep it.
- Christoph, please don't go.
You're my only hope.
I'm on the quest of my life.
I have to save my brother
from the demon Alvin.
He's been gone so long.
You know, the only thing
I have left of him
is a toy shovel he dropped.
- I don't mean to sound judgy,
but that's a pretty weird thing
to keep on your person
at all times.
- It just makes me feel
closer to him,
even though he's a world away,
being held against his will.
- Hm.
Will Squid Caesar
still be performing
his unique brand
of insult comedy?
- Yes, absolutely.
He'll just be extra salty.
- What are we waiting for?
- A miracle?
- I'm sorry?
- Let's get back
to the tavern!
- Yes!
- Okay, just sit right down
there and get comfy.
- Christoph is hungry.
- Stacey!
- You want these one at a time,
or shall I strap on a feed bag?
- You have a feed bag?
- Ahh.
Oh, this is a good batch.
It's fighting back. That's how
I know it's almost done.
- Oh, boy. These things looked
a lot floatier
when they were in water.
- All right. Change of plans.
Christoph wants
the squid or nothing,
so we're just gonna have to
tie him up and force the map
out of him by way of violence.
- Violence, okay.
- Great.
- Or, or, or
we prop up Squid somehow
and pretend he's still alive
while I do all the jokes
and impersonate him.
And then Christoph
still gets his show.
- So nobody likes
my violence plan?
- Mm-mm.
- Do what now?
- Fine. Let's do your thing.
- Ah, finally.
The role I was born to play.
Surreptitiously impersonating
a deceased insult comic squid.
- This is the most important
performance of your life.
Good luck.
Welcome to the Queen's Goiter
for a night
of live-ish entertainment.
So enjoy whatever
the heck this is.
Here he is, okay.
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
- Look at him, so lively.
- Hey, thanks everybody.
How 'bout that Kyle, huh?
You know
before he ran a tavern,
he used to be a teacher.
But he got fired because
he only had one good pupil.
Blammo!
- Low blow.
- Oh, uh, hm--
But that was great for us
because turns out he makes
a terrific two-bean salad.
Blammo!
- Ha, ha.
- Squid Caesar's
really lost his touch.
That last one was more like
a compliment.
- Uh, uh-
Hey, have you guys met Brendar?
Uh, that lady's got a face
that can make an onion cry.
Blammo!
- Oh, uh, hey, look at
this guy here, huh?
Ew, look at that face.
There's not a thing I'd change.
- No, stop.
- No.
- Except that the direction
I was walking in.
Ha, whoo! Bl--
I mean, seriously,
his face is so long,
it needs an intermission.
- It's true. I'm really
not much of a looker.
- Oh, hey, look
at this owl over here.
♪
- Oh, hey, uh, let's get
back to Kyle, huh?
Kyle is such a terrible cook,
the flies went on strike.
- Blammo!
- Oh, fiddlesticks.
- Ohh.
- Whoa!
- Hmm.
- Ah! We're losing him!
- Stop pulling things.
You're making it worse.
Hey, you've been
a beautiful audience.
So why don't you
give yourselves a hand.
And then when you're done,
give me one.
Uh--
Curtains, curtains!
- Oh, this is a disaster.
All right, serve the pudding
before he leaves again.
- Right, the pudding.
Who's been
stirring the pudding?
- Why's that important?
- I said to keep stirring it
or the pudding gets everywhere!
- Pudding on the loose!
- Mama! Dada!
- Ooh, he looks hungry.
- Bad live cultures.
-
- Ahh!
- Ahh! What the--
- My tavern! Oh, no!
- Go the other way!
- Ohh! Ohh!
- Christoph!
He's right behind you!
- Christoph, look out!
- Huh? Ohh!
-
- Ohh!
- No, our map!
Christoph!
- Horus, zap it!
-
Ahh!
Ultimate zap!
♪
- Ah.
- Ugh.
-
- Ugh.
- Hello? Is anybody there?
Can you hear me?
- Yep. That went well.
- I seem to be stuck in a wall.
- Hello?
- Yeah, thank goodness.
I thought
we'd messed it all up.
- Sorry, Brendar. I know
this isn't what you envisioned.
- Someone grab my fetlock.
- You guys would not believe
the day I've had.
- Axe, where have you--
never mind.
- Help!
- Let's just pull Christoph
out of the wall
so he can go back
to the enchanted forest,
and we can wander
around the kingdom forever,
looking for my brother
and the demon Alvin.
-
- Yeah.
- Christoph is not happy.
-
Hmm. Hm.
- I'm sorry. We really did try
to make it a night to remember.
- Oh, this was definitely
a night I will remember.
- Oh, I guess we blew it.
- I wouldn't say that.
You know, I've been
wined and dined
by a lot of questors
seeking my maps.
And it's always the same
thing--a boring dinner,
obligatory massage,
tedious lewd performance.
- Uh, well, you know,
lewd performances
can be pretty great when in
the right hands and the--
What?
- I think he likes us.
- Hm, I'll tell you what.
I'll make you that map.
- Give me something to draw on.
- Ah, oh, right,
uh, uh, ooh.
- Hm.
- Ha!
How about this kids menu?
- Perfect. Now give me
your brother's shovel.
Hmm.
Ohm.
- Whoa.
- What?
Whoa! Look at that!
-
- You know, I've never seen
a group of people work so hard,
and have each other's backs
like you all
You make a really great team.
- Thank you.
- Aw, shucks.
- Really?
- But no offence.
Hold onto that map
because Christoph
never wants to see
any of you again.
- Ugh.
- Huh.
- We did it. We have the map.
- Now, we focus on our
next quest
saving Kendar.
- Hang on one second. Ah.
I think your next quest
is cleanin' this place up!
- Uh. Umm--
- Oh.
-
- Really?
- Oh.
- Uh, sorry about that.
I guess I must have gone into
one of my daily hibernations.
Ah--I seem to have lost an arm.
I guess my agent
came by to collect.
- Blammo.