The Cleveland Show s01e08 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Dinner.
- What's on tap, baby? - Your favorite.
I usually have my favorite as a midnight snack.
Your bib's on the nightstand.
[MO ANING.]
Oh.
Oh, I know I'm not looking at another plate of scallops.
Scallops? Hooray! It's his favorite.
I figured that out since we've had it 10 times this month.
I'm gonna go toast up my favorite: Fish sticks and Tater Tots.
- Honey, we're out of them.
- We had some this morning.
- What happened to them? - Guilty.
[SINGING.]
Fish sticks and Tater Tots And strawberry Quik What's on tap, baby? So, Cleveland Jr.
, are you all packed for your school trip to D.
C? I'm not going on that trip.
Not going? This is your chance to visit our nation's capital and see how white people created our country with no help from anybody else.
I'm not going.
Bye, Shamu.
It's just that Junior's never spent a night away from his parents.
You're going on that trip, aren't you? No way I'm babysitting.
Roberta, let me introduce you to some gentlemen of influence.
Mr.
Andrew Jackson and his twin brother, Mr.
Andrew Jackson.
And a hemp-growing slave owner you know him as the general Mr.
George Washington.
Forty-one dollars? Forty-one dollars for keeping an eye on my boy.
Forty-one dollars.
Hey, Jr.
, you ready to have a good time in Washington with your big sister looking out for you? CLEVELAND JR: Okay.
- All right.
Come on up here, Jr.
CLEVELAND JR: Daddy, watch out.
Somebody put a lot of boogers under your part of the table.
[CLEVELAND CLEARING THRO AT.]
Let's go, people.
I want fannies on the bus.
Come on.
Fannies on the bus.
[SIGHS.]
Come on, little brother.
Hey, Cleveland Jr.
- What? - Get bitches, man.
[KIDS SHOUTING.]
Okay, zip it, lock it, put it in your pocket.
This is Tim and Arianna, Raymond's mom and dad.
That's Raymond right back there.
Hello.
Yo, watch out, pretty girls.
He's going to try to kiss your face.
Oh, that's a wonderful message, Tim.
Because kissing girls is certainly going to get him into Princeton University.
They'll be your chaperones.
They have the power to give you demerits.
I will take back that power at the end of the trip.
But until then, you will treat them with respect.
Remember, no iPods, no carbonated beverages, and one last rule have fun! [UPBEAT JINGLE PLAYING ON TV.]
ANNOUNCER: The Barf Family will return on Fox after these messages.
Um, fast-forward.
- What? - Fast-forward through the commercial.
I'm not gonna fast-forward.
Why not? That's why we got a DVR.
We got a DVR so we could record the programs we wanna watch with the commercials.
Your generation needs to calm down.
Look, these ad men are doing all sorts of research on what we wanna buy.
They're putting descriptions of the products on during the shows they know we're gonna watch.
They're going shopping for us.
Fast-forward through the commercials.
Fast-forward to your bedtime.
ANNOUNCER: Cascade, your husband CLEVELAND: Wow.
[KIDS SHOUTING.]
Tim, why aren't you doing anything? They're going crazy back there.
It's like American Pie 4: Band Camp.
[SIGHS.]
May I have your attention, please [GIRL SCREAMS.]
Oh, so sorry about that.
But, hey, you know, now you look like a very pretty Edward James Olmos.
Ha.
Yes, you see what you made me do? You made me make a freak out of that girl.
I brought Daniel Boone hats to wear for the bus ride.
Sounds like fun.
It is fun.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
There's Oliver Wilkerson.
They say there ain't a sport he hasn't lettered in or a girl who hasn't let him in.
Give me your seat.
Why was I whispering? He's deaf.
But I wanna sit close to my sister.
It's not right to separate a family.
Tell him, Roberta.
He's not my real brother.
His dad married my mom.
Nobody asked my permission.
Well, well, well, the plot thickens.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Out of my chair, fatso.
Rallo, be nice.
Well, I'm tired of him picking the menu, eating my fish sticks sitting where I used to sit, run around like he owns the place.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is your name on the mortgage of this house? No.
Is yours? No.
But that's just a matter of paperwork.
I have an appointment with Len Stein later this week.
- Oh, he called back? - Yeah.
I made us an appointment at 10:30 on Thursday.
I gotta work on Thursday.
Oh, you know what I'll do? I'll get Len to overnight us the signature copies.
Hold on.
Len? Hey, Cleveland Brown here.
Cleveland Brown.
Donna Tubbs' new husband.
Yeah.
How are you doing? Listen, Donna won't be able to make it on Thursday.
So we were hoping you could send us the signature pages of the interspousal-transfer-of-title form.
I'm assuming they need a real signature and not a faxed copy? Right.
Yeah, um, could you just send them to us here at the house? Yeah.
That way we'll sign them and I'll just make our file copies at Kinko's.
Hey, and while I'm there, I'll just overnight it right back to you.
Great.
Thanks, Len.
Ask me Thursday at noon if my name's on the mortgage.
So I'm getting undressed thinking he's running the bath for me.
Only to walk in and see his big old butt stepping into the tub.
- And believe me, it was not a good angle.
- Ugh! Did you even get a bath? Hell, no.
We was out of hot water.
I had to take a whore's bath at the sink.
Oh, but I am clean.
Most definitely clean.
Sounds like he's not respecting your position in the family.
I'm the man of that house.
So, what are you gonna do, Rallo? I'm gonna hit him where it hurts, the dong.
[SING-SONG Y.]
Dong, dong, dong Oh, there it is.
Move your black crack, Jack.
Cleveland.
Rallo had a nightmare.
I'm far too scared to sleep alone.
- You can sleep with us tonight.
- There's no room.
Trust me, there's room for three in this bed.
- What? - Uh.
I said there's room for Clee in this bed.
You don't call me Clee.
Sure I do.
I love you, Clee.
Oh, I love you too, Don.
[GRUNTING.]
Enough of this damn bull Ha.
Good night, chump.
[YAWNS.]
Oh, look who's sitting at his spot at the head of the table.
[CLEVELAND GRUMBLES.]
Sleep well? I did.
Like a baby.
Like a baby nestled against his mother's bosom.
I should be the bosom nestler.
[GRUNTS.]
This Danish is good.
Check out my tower of power.
BO Y: Your junk is monumental.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Look at him.
Tim, they're using the Washington Monument now as their wang.
- Go stop them.
- Okay, okay.
- No.
- What? No.
I'm not going to tell them to stop.
They're just kids having fun like we used to have.
Oh, what happened to us? What happened to the free spirit I fell in love with who used to zip around town on her Vespa like a giant Audrey Hepburn? You're right.
I've become a nag.
A horrible, whining, repetitive nag.
That's all I'm saying.
We need to do something crazy.
We need a game changer tonight.
Yes.
Yes.
Let's get tattoos and eat falafel.
Oh, Arianna, where have you been? Right in front of you.
OLIVER: Whoa, everybody's hooking up on this trip.
- Oh, is this yours? - I'm gonna need a closer look.
Oh, man.
You wouldn't believe the horrifying and terrifying nightmare I had.
- Another nightmare? - Mm-hm.
Oh, you poor thing.
Don't you see he's just tricking you into babying him? Cleveland, he's a little boy.
Let him get used to our new family.
But he doesn't need to sleep in our bed.
That's where we do things to each other.
Dirty things, disrespectful things.
Things that make it hard for me to look you in the eye the next day.
Your sweet talk is not gonna work on me tonight.
Mama, I'm cold.
Come back to bed.
Cleveland, he's 5.
Exactly.
Let's just go for it.
He won't know what we're doing.
He'll think we're wrestling.
Doggy wrestling.
[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY ON STEREO NEARBY.]
[KIDS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Ha, ha.
Sweet jammies.
- Thanks.
They're also flame retardant.
Excuse me, Roberta? - What do you want? - I need you to do me a favor.
Um Check under my bed for, ahem, monsters? Cleveland Jr.
, get out of here.
You're too old to be believing in monsters.
Well, I know that intellectually.
But phobias are not always rational.
That's what makes them so [SCREAMS.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Cleveland, can you dry this for me? Why don't you have your boyfriend Rallo do it? Please, Cleveland.
He's my son and he's adjusting as best he can.
But we promised in our wedding vows that we would have sex every night.
What? No, no, we didn't.
It was implied.
Look, I'm serious.
Donna, this has been going on too long.
I'm your husband.
All right, all right.
Fine.
- I'll talk to him tonight.
- Good.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Hey, what's that awful smell? Oh, it's on my little hand things.
Is that? Oh, gross.
Oh, now, why would I land on a steaming pile of? Here's your pizza, your banana split, and your milkshake served with a crazy straw and crazy napkin designed by our crazy chef, Nick Nolte.
[GRUMBLING.]
You know what, Mama? The more time I spend with you, the more I like you.
You can't say that about most women.
Rallo, baby, there's something we need to talk about.
I love you, but Mama's married now.
And a husband and a wife have a room with their bed.
And a child has a room with his bed.
Oh, so all of a sudden, I'm a child? No, you're a young man.
And a young man Don't you patronize me, lady.
Rallo, please.
People are beginning to stare.
Well, let's give them something to stare at.
This woman broke my heart.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm taking a child psychology course at the community college.
Maybe I can help you guys work this out? You can try.
Listen to your mother.
Okay, that'll be two tokens.
Send a woman to do your dirty work? - How do you sleep at night? - Butt-naked next to your mama.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't believe we're stuck in this motel for another night.
Nothing exciting has ever happened in a D.
C.
Hotel.
Didn't Marion Barry get caught smoking crack at a D.
C.
Hotel? Okay, yeah, but besides that.
Didn't Reagan get shot at a D.
C.
Hotel? Besides that.
Watergate happened at a hotel.
I know that.
Oh, I know.
I know.
And didn't Eliot Spitzer? Okay, whatever.
The point is we need to go out and find a party.
Hey, guys.
I got an idea.
We need to go out to find a party.
Yo, Oliver's right.
There are so many bomb spots out there where I can get the crowd jumping with my demo.
There's a phat beat on top of it.
I'm going, like: [MIMICKING BASS DRUM.]
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh, ooh.
Then I go, "Federline.
Federline.
" [SINGS HIGH NOTE.]
It's hot, y'all.
Peace.
[TIM CHUCKLING.]
ARIANNA: Shh, shh, shh.
Our marriage no longer feels like a death sentence.
[KIDS LAUGHING NEARBY.]
Where's Roberta? Last I saw, she was with Federline at this party.
He played his demo and they beat the crap out of him.
Mr.
Tim, sorry to wake you, but I think Roberta might be in trouble.
Hello? Is anybody there? TIM: Oh, yes.
ARIANNA: Tim, you're being so naughty.
TIM: Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
ARIANNA: That tickles.
Yes, Tim.
Oh, yes.
[TIM AND ARIANNA RO ARING LOUDLY.]
Which direction is the club Roberta's at? [GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE.]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Donna, guess what's wearing my watch? - Hope it's waterproof.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[GRO ANING.]
[SHOUTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
Rallo! [CRYING.]
Oh, baby.
Mama's so sorry.
It's his fault.
He made me break my leg.
He And he ate my Tater Tots and my fish sticks.
And he sat in my chair.
And he called me the N word.
Well, I'm allowed to, right? I usually make a left to go to the bathroom when I'm in your room.
But I was in my room where it was all dark and scary.
And I got turned around.
I didn't know which way to go.
We're so sorry.
Aren't we, Cleveland? Why? Because he doesn't know his left from his right? - What's wrong with you? - My loins ache.
I'm so sorry, Rallo.
You can sleep in our bed as long as you need to.
What? Oh, man.
This kid is worse than people who don't recycle.
Hi.
I'm Cleveland Brown reminding you to recycle.
It's great for the environment.
And it only takes a second.
Oh, it's wet.
Is that milk? Aw, it's beer.
Oh, oh, this whole bag stinks.
Oh.
You know what? Fuck this.
It's all trash to me.
Y'all recycle.
I'm gonna go wash my goddamn hands.
Drugs here.
Get your drugs here.
Ice-cold drugs.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
You boys wanna party? What? Like a pizza party? Let me rephrase that.
- You wanna see my vaginis? - No, thank you.
But do you know where this club is? Yeah, baby.
Go to the end of this street, and then two blocks to the right.
If you pass the corpse in the alley, you've gone too far.
ERNIE: Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, ma'am.
[DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHING FROM INSIDE.]
MAN: Oh, man, you know how to dance.
How would you like to be seen by 2 million people? - Really? - Yeah.
Take off your shirt.
- What? - Come on, we'll give you a hat.
No.
I don't think I'm not CLEVELAND JR: You wanna see a pair of boobs? Check these out.
[CROWD GASPS.]
Check out the fat chick.
[KELIS' "MILKSHAKE" PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Roberta, I'm here to rescue you like Luke did for his sister, Princess Leia, in Star Wars.
And like Anakin did for Padmé in Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones.
Which, unlike the three original films did not seem to take place in an authentic environment.
You came to save me.
Thank you, little brother.
- But how are we gonna get out of here? - Like this.
[MUSIC STOPS AND CROWD GASPS.]
That's right.
I'm a boy.
[SCREAMS.]
[RETCHES.]
[GRO ANS.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
All I want is to sleep in the same bed as my wife.
But it's not just about the bedroom, Rallo.
I married your mother because I love her very much.
And we are now trying to build a new life for all of us.
- So, what do you say? - No.
What? But I'm offering you the head of the table, the newspaper - I said no.
- The remote, the first bath.
I love her too.
And she's mine.
And where I come from, you don't share a woman.
Rallo, you're not being Look, old man, I broke one leg to get what I want.
Don't think I won't break another one.
Ugh, you broke your leg on purpose? You're You're crazy.
[STAMMERING.]
What are we gonna read tonight, sugar? How about Thomas the Tank Engine? I'm sorry, baby.
Mama's not feeling too good.
I'm going to sleep.
Good night, Cleveland.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, Sir Thomas, she's laying here with me, but she's thinking about him.
I don't mind torturing old Brown, but I cannot bear to see my mama in pain.
Well, as Kobe Bryant once said: I have overstayed my welcome in this bed.
[SNORING.]
Hey, old man.
We need to talk.
- Wake up.
- Aah! What the? I'll take that deal if it's still on the table.
DONNA: Oh, Clee.
CLEVELAND: Oh, Don.
[SINGING.]
Whenever you call me, I'll be there Whenever you want me I'll be there Whenever you need me I'll be there I'll be around The crown is heavy, but somebody's gotta wear it.
Yeah.
You got a fish stick and a remote control.
Have fun living with that pin in your leg for the rest of your life.
[LAUGHS.]