The Comedians (US) (2015) s01e08 Episode Script
Charity
Hi, guys! Hello! Thank you.
Wow.
We got a great show.
Oh, my God.
- There's my Uncle Joe.
- What? Say hi to my Uncle Joe.
How are you, Joe? I can't feel my hip.
- Can't feel your hip.
- Aww Well, I'm sorry about that.
Aunt Brenda! There's my Aunt Brenda! Oh, you're kidding me! Billy, we're so proud of you, dear.
We're so very proud of you.
Yeah, but, Aunt Brenda, what's What's that thing on your neck? Oh, this? That's my goiter.
I have a goiter.
It looks much smaller.
Yeah, it's getting better.
We're draining it.
We're draining it weekly.
I think you maybe should have that drained daily.
Carry on.
Man, I got to tell you, Billy, you are so unbelievably lucky.
Yeah, I'm lucky.
You have a I mean, sure, I got Ira.
Who's Ira? You know, he's the one who's always in the front.
He loves pudding.
I like pudding! Here you go.
Fancy meeting you here, girl.
[laughs.]
'Sup, slugger? [laughing.]
"Slugger.
" You're so adorable.
So what do you want to drink? Um, I'll get my usual.
Triple macchiato, no foam.
Great.
Wow.
You have so many cool tats on your - Thanks.
- Yeah.
What's, uh May I? What's that one above your Br Uh, your shoulder? I bet there's a cool story behind that one.
It's a logo: FPE, Free Planet Earth.
It's this environmental organization I do a lot of work for.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
I, uh I love Earth too.
I'm very pro it.
That's awesome.
Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a Tesla No gas.
You know, foreign oil Meh, bleep that noise, right? It's super expensive, but, shit, it's for Earth, right, our planet.
Yeah, totally.
Billy Crystal has one, my costar Billy Crystal from my new series that's premiering in a couple of weeks.
You know Billy Crystal? Know him? We're like brothers.
He's like my really old brother.
That's cool.
You know, this Friday, we're having this event.
Yeah? And if the two of you came, it would be epic.
There's gonna be music, amazing speeches, and all the food is freegan.
Yeah, you know, it's not really a matter of the food costing any money.
It's just, Billy's a pretty busy guy.
Oh You're not gonna break my heart, are you? - You've gotta be kidding me - Sorry it just sort of popped out Well pop it back in.
Yes! That's what I'm talking about "Pop it back in.
" This banter that we have, this gentle ribbing, if we were to apply even a little bit of that chemistry to a charity event, could you imagine? It could be incredible.
You want to bang this girl, don't you? Why do you do that? Why do you immediately jump to the most cynical place when it comes to me? Have you ever thought maybe just being around you the past couple of months has inspired me, seeing all the charitable work that you do? Perhaps it has given me an impetus to want to be the best version of myself, to give back? She's really hot, huh? So hot.
Oh, God, Josh.
But she's got the kind of face that you just don't imagine that there's gonna be these huge tits, and then you look down, and there they are, these huge-ass tit Titties.
(Billy) Charity is very important to me, obviously.
Comic Relief alone, we raised almost $70 million to help the homeless, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I must get five or six requests a week to make appearances.
Last night, I did an appearance to raise money Well, shoes for inner city kids.
Well, Esme, Esme Yes, friend? Uh, in my office Do me a favor, please There's a big box of sneakers and athletic stuff from the charity last night.
Do you mind putting that in my car? All the way across the lot? Yeah, do you mind? My daughter likes to go through it.
Oh, yeah, good for her.
Anyway, so when Josh asked me about this charity (Josh) I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry to drag you into my shit.
I really am.
I've just been Mess ever since my divorce.
Divorce? - Yeah.
- What divorce? I didn't tell you I got divorced? You didn't tell me you were married.
Yeah, it was when I was 24, a really stupid post-college, "I'm getting laid; "let's go to Atlantic City and make a tragic mistake that lasts three months" kind of thing.
Anyway, I haven't been right ever since.
You realize you're asking me to be the most expensive sexual aid in the history of the world? No.
Cleopatra had a dildo made of ivory.
How do you know that? I watch a lot of History Channel.
(man) And picture's up! All right.
You want to run lines? Yeah, let's do it.
Why, Colonel, so nice to have you back on the plantation.
Shut up and give me what I've been looking for.
- That's not the line.
- Uh, what is it? - Lines? - (off camera) "I'm a Southern gentleman" - Oh, okay.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Why, Colonel, so nice to have you back on the plantation.
Is there anything I can get you? I'm a Southern gener Gen general? South (man) "Gentleman"! - I'm a Southern - We got it.
This is the longest light in L.
A.
Man Hey, Chief.
I know this guy.
I give him money almost every day.
Hey, Billy Crystal.
Hey, how you doing? You don't have to call me by both my names, you know? You and I, we're way past that, my friend.
- Am I right? - You're right.
How you doing out there today? Oh, it's hot as shit out here.
Hot as shit, yeah, I know.
Well, try to find some shade, right? You know, I'm looking for it all the time.
Yeah, I know.
I understand.
Hey, look, can I give you something? Please? Can I? Y'all making a movie? It's a documentary about my return to television, uh, with another guy.
Would you mind? Make me feel good.
All right? Thanks, Crystal.
[laughs.]
He picked "Crystal.
" That wouldn't have been my choice.
Boy, it's so sad, you know, what's happening in America, somebody like this Oh, wow! 20! Holy shit! This is way more than you usually give a mother And, um, it just makes you feel good that you can do the right thing.
(man) We are one out away from baseball history.
The crowd is on the edge of its seat, and Miller wants to talk it over on the mound.
I'm gonna throw him a couple of fastballs on the fence, and we'll make him chase a slider low and away.
I love you.
Let's not talk about this.
I am pitching a perfect game.
I know, but I love you so much.
Just get back behind the plate.
We'll talk about this at home.
You're my everything.
Hey, you got a second? Oh, yes.
Yes, of course, yeah.
Um, you know I drive a Tesla, you know, 'cause I don't want to, you know, bleep up the environment.
Yes, thank you.
It's the least I could do.
But I live a long way away, you know, in the Palisades.
It's It's a long drive in.
Right.
So I was thinking that in my parking spot, we could put a charger.
- Oh, okay.
- Electric charger.
Then I could charge the car up, so at the end of the day, I could be fully charged.
I am on it.
I will get it done.
Perfect, see? Kristen, you're terrific.
I don't know why Josh always puts you down, cause I think you're great.
What does he say about me? - I'm just kidding.
[laughs.]
Just some gentle ribbing.
Gentle ribbing.
I'll see you later.
[laughing and sobbing.]
What's the matter? You're crying.
No, no, no.
I mean I mean, yes.
Earlier I was crying but not at work.
What happened? I had to put my dog down.
Oh, that's hard.
I'm very sorry about that.
He was very old.
You know what? You have to just take care of yourself.
Your dog's in a better place.
Yes, you're right.
So You know, at the end there, he was He was not continent.
He was incontinent.
- Oh - Got tough.
That's yeah, that's But you know what? That's the time you got to do it.
Actually it had been going on for a couple of years, I'd say.
Of course, he had to sleep in my bed.
[sobs.]
He just had the best sense of humor.
He had a sense of humor? Nobody would get my jokes like he would, I mean And he would laugh? He would actually laugh? He would laugh.
How does a dog laugh? What was [panting.]
Hey, that's a That's a nice box.
This is a beautiful box.
Yeah, I got it from my vet.
Frederick was your Yeah.
All right.
So, uh, the charger? You'll take care of the charger? Oh, yes, I will get it done.
You got it.
[clicks tongue.]
Okay, thanks.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
I'm gonna take him around the studio.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Jesus Hey, Billy.
Hey.
Oh, hi, Mitch.
Hey, you got a sec? Uh, sure.
What's up? Did you have a chance to read the "Sasquatch and Son" sketch? Uh, which one was that? - I'm just joking.
- Oh! No, no, no, but, you know, I think, honestly, the characters are a little underdeveloped.
Oh.
I mean, they're father and son.
They own a junkyard.
They both have huge feet.
- Right.
- You know, I just think there's probably more to do - Yeah.
- You know, about Sasquatches.
Yeah, I guess that's that's Hey, what is that? - Oh.
- That is a may I? Oh, please.
That's my new chair.
Your new wow.
Yeah.
It's the new one.
It's got the extra lumbar support.
I believe it was tested on astronauts or some shit like that.
Wow.
It's fantas - Look at this.
- Yeah.
- It just moves like - Yeah.
It's completely silent, frictionless.
- Ball bearings? Really? - I don't even know, I, I, Yeah, why even ask at that point.
It's just so perfect.
Tada.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Welcome to my world.
Oh Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
Look at this.
Keeps going back just until you want that resistance, and then - There it is.
- It's there.
It's like sitting on What's the actress who was in Precious? Gabourey Sidibe.
It's like sitting on her.
[laughs.]
But I didn't mean that in a bad way.
I meant that in a good way.
Right.
It's not a race Not at all.
It's not a weight thing.
She's so [stammers.]
Beautiful, that you could sit.
Yes.
And it'll be soft.
It'll be great and just welcoming.
- Her spirit - I love her.
I think she's an amazing actress.
Oh, the best.
- I would love to - So talented.
- Develop something with her.
- Oh, yeah.
We'd be fun together.
Oh, that would be awesome.
- Police team? - Yep.
You know, but this, this is fantastic.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, swivel.
It's the best $1,700 I ever spent.
$1,700? Yeah, out of my own pocket, yeah.
'Cause I don't have a good chair, and I have a bad back; I have a little Oh, really? Compression in my lower spine.
Ooh.
Yeah, sometimes my feet get all tingly and weird Oh, man.
That sucks.
And pain down the back of my my hamstrings.
- It's awful.
- Wow.
But this, I don't feel anything, right? Look at well, look what I can do.
- Ooh.
- Look at me.
Miracle.
I'm Greg Louganis behind a desk.
[laughs.]
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Look at this.
This is fantastic.
- That's awesome.
- God.
Yeah.
Really great.
Amazing.
Hmm.
[as Eleanor Roosevelt.]
"Franklin, the Stalins are here.
" (Mitch) Uh-oh.
Fala went poo-poo in the East Room.
Polio stuff It's back.
This is really something.
Wow.
bleep.
(Billy) I decided to make an appearance at Josh's charity event.
He doesn't know I'm coming, so this should be a nice surprise.
You mind if I, uh If I smoke, if I roll down my window? [sighs.]
That cool? Will you give me five stars? Yeah, absolutely.
I'll do it right now.
Okay.
Open the window.
What? The window.
The window.
Yeah? Sorry.
(Billy) I mean, I give him a lot of crap, but he's a good kid, and he's doing the right thing, for the wrong reason, but he's doing the right thing.
Okay.
Here we are.
What are you doing? This can't be it.
This can't be it.
This is the address you gave me, bro-bro.
And by the way, no take-backs on the rating, eh? What? Hey! - Hey.
- You made it.
[all booing.]
Why are they booing me? Oh, they're not booing you.
They're booing that gas-guzzling piece of shit! Hi.
This tux is classic, by the way.
Super funny.
That's what I Oh, that's what I was going for.
Now, this is, like, a tailgate thing and then a shuttle comes and takes us to the event? Shuttle? Yeah, exactly.
[chuckles.]
So this is the stage.
There's some great freegan food.
And there's gonna be a drum circle later.
Hey, do you want something to drink? So this is it.
This is the event.
Here.
This stage.
Yeah.
I mean, we're gonna go burn some SUVs later at the car dealership, but set 'em on fire.
But, yeah, this is the event.
Are you okay? That's horrible.
Yeah.
Um, that last part that you said back there about the burning of SUVs was it? Yeah, we might just throw bricks at 'em.
We'll see.
We're gonna put it to a vote.
Oh.
Okay.
What's up? Oh, nothing.
Thank God Billy's not coming, huh? Wait.
What? Billy's not coming? What? You heard from him? No, you just said that.
I didn't think you heard that.
I don't get it.
How could every street be one way the wrong way? Make one wrong turn, and I'm lost.
The on-ramp is there.
I can see it.
Come on, Tesla.
Help me out here.
I'm stuck.
I'm like in an Escher painting here or something.
Oh, that taco stand looks good.
Oh no.
No, no no.
Dammit! Now where the hell am I? [organ playing cheerful melody.]
Set him up with the outside slider Uh-huh.
And then we'll come in with the heat.
Good plan.
Are we gonna talk about what happened last night? Because you said some pretty hurtful stuff.
Well, you know, sometimes I say some hurtful stuff when I am feeling hurt.
You go out with your friends Don't do this.
Don't do this.
I'm at home with a bottle of chardonnay cooling and the Kathy Griffin special on DVR, and you don't even text me.
- You didn't.
- You bet I did.
- You didn't.
- And you know what? It was hilarious.
She does a duet with Anderson Cooper you won't believe.
You little whore.
We still good with the slider, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay, great.
See, this is why I need a charger at work.
You know, I mean, it's a perfect example.
Kristen is great, but she's so distracted by this dog thing Crystal! Ha! - Oh, boy.
- Hey, Chief! How you doing? What a coincidence, huh? Of all the gin joints in all the world Your car broke? Uh, yeah, you know what? It didn't break.
The battery ran down.
Why don't you just get some gas? - There's a gas station - You don't need gas.
You don't need gas, Chief.
It's all electric.
See, this is what I get for trying to solve global warming.
You know? Which is a very real thing.
Yes, it is.
You know, hey, you know what? Here's I got 40 bucks here, for the weekend, you know? For the weekend? Yeah, weekend's coming up, so that should be good for you.
Do you know what? You is a white boy in this neighborhood with a fancy suit and a nice car, so I'll tell you what, you shouldn't be out here alone, so I'm gonna be your bodyguard.
All right.
Uh, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go in the car and make some calls.
It's a free country.
It is.
Yes.
All right.
[car chirps.]
I do a lot of charity work.
Turns out he has a prior commitment, uh, actually another pro-Earth event, a different one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Well, I just found out.
I just found out.
Now, getting back to the whole, um, destroying SUVs of it all Damn, man! These is nice! Don't know about the color, but you know what they say: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Beggars can't be In the mouth.
We're gonna be doing a drum circle in a little while, so hang around for that.
Oh, and thanks again, Debbie, for bringing the gluten-free pasta; it was delicious.
Everybody give Debbie a hand.
And now I want to welcome to the stage our celebrity spokesperson, who has a few words to say.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, thank you.
No, I'm, uh I'm just a guest.
Oh, come on, please Get up here Hollywood superstar anyone? [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Hey [feedback screeches.]
Hey there.
Put the phones down! I don't want anyone filming this.
Oh What can be said that my good friend, barista, hasn't already said? You know, you guys are an inspiration, you know, just to turn up for an event like this, not that this event is a shitty one.
It's not shitty at all.
Not That's what I'm saying.
It has an authentic feel of what the people, homeless or otherwise, would Not that you guys look homeless.
It's just, the environment feels familiar to that demographic.
What I what I'm trying to say to you is, see, I'm a celebrity, so I go to I tend to go to the fancy stuff.
[all booing.]
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Let me just finish for a second.
You're misunderstanding what I'm saying.
Oh, boy, do I want to leave him up there.
Oh I wish I cared half as much about anything as you guys do to come under a disgusting tunnel Let me finish! Let me finish! I let you talk! Oh, wow.
Unexpected.
Come here.
Hey, my guest, Billy Crystal.
Everybody, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm glad to be at this great event.
I believe in what you're doing.
We both do.
I do I do too.
Your principles are great.
We have to free the planet Earth, okay.
[cheers and applause.]
Unfortunately, I have to take my partner here back to the studio as we've had a terrible emergency with a fire and, um, there's all kinds of There is an emergency.
(Billy) But We pledge to you a check for $5,000.
[crowd murmuring.]
No, no, no, no, guys.
We can't be bought.
Okay, too bad.
Good night, everybody.
Bye-bye! [crowd shouting.]
I encourage all of you to tweet to your followers that Billy Crystal and Jonah Hill don't give a shit about the environment.
[crowd shouting.]
Where the hell did you come from? You're like a goddamn superhero.
I know.
On the plus side, we just saved five thousand dollars.
I'll split it with you.
[sighs.]
I'm gonna have the veal.
Excellent choice.
Thank you.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
[corks popping.]
Oh, oh That is literally the best taco I've ever had.
Mmm.
Sometimes you find the best places when you're lost.
Rejection makes everything taste so much better.
You know, Josh, charity It's got to come from the heart.
You can't just sign up for something you don't really care about just for the chance of getting laid.
I did that once, and believe me, I never did it again.
What happened? We're married 43 years.
It's a joke.
I'm joking.
[laughs.]
Good.
No, you just You start small.
You do something nice for the people around you, and then you go from there.
I bought your taco.
Less small.
(Kristen) The craziest thing happened about a week after Frederick died.
Out of the blue, I get this Facebook message from an old high school boyfriend of mine.
He was my chemistry teacher, actually.
This weekend, we saw each other.
And I don't know.
It was like, after all these years, we just we kind of picked right back up where we left off, except that he wasn't married anymore.
But the crazy part of all of this is, he's deathly allergic to dogs.
So if this had happened even a week earlier, then who knows? Life is amazing sometimes.
Kristen, Billy wants to see you on set right now, okay? He says it's an emergency.
Come on.
Kristen What is going on? Well, Josh and I were talking, and (Josh) We decided to get you This little guy! Huh? A puppy.
Wow.
He's a rescue.
Yeah.
Just like you, Kristen.
Yeah.
Uh Here you go.
Yeah.
Now, the bad news is he's not housebroken.
But your apartment's used to that from what you've told me about your other dog.
[crowd murmuring.]
Thank you, guys.
[applause.]
So sweet.
Did you get the charger? Yes, it's on your It's by your car.
Good.
Great.
We did a good thing.
Really, really good.
Feels good, doesn't it? It feels great.
Really good.
See ya.
Absolutely.
I'm gonna scoot.
Okay.
Have a good night.
Hmm Ooh, there you go.
Ah.
[sighs.]
Hmm The movie makes $150 million worldwide.
Cost $25 million to make, right? And they don't want to make another one.
You got Bette Midler.
You got me.
You got these cute little kids, a story that people want to see another one of They don't want to make it 'cause it's too cheap to make.
Does that make sense? It don't make any sense.
All they want to do is make these big tentpole movies.
I don't get it.
Do you get it? No, I don't get it either.
You don't get it.
It seem to be that these people would realize the difference.
Yeah, but it's all about toys and marketing and animals and Oh, yeah, merchandising is the game with all these brands.
All of that stuff.
That's right.
I'm just happy to be doing my show.
- I tell you that - Yeah man.
.
Pretty terrible
Wow.
We got a great show.
Oh, my God.
- There's my Uncle Joe.
- What? Say hi to my Uncle Joe.
How are you, Joe? I can't feel my hip.
- Can't feel your hip.
- Aww Well, I'm sorry about that.
Aunt Brenda! There's my Aunt Brenda! Oh, you're kidding me! Billy, we're so proud of you, dear.
We're so very proud of you.
Yeah, but, Aunt Brenda, what's What's that thing on your neck? Oh, this? That's my goiter.
I have a goiter.
It looks much smaller.
Yeah, it's getting better.
We're draining it.
We're draining it weekly.
I think you maybe should have that drained daily.
Carry on.
Man, I got to tell you, Billy, you are so unbelievably lucky.
Yeah, I'm lucky.
You have a I mean, sure, I got Ira.
Who's Ira? You know, he's the one who's always in the front.
He loves pudding.
I like pudding! Here you go.
Fancy meeting you here, girl.
[laughs.]
'Sup, slugger? [laughing.]
"Slugger.
" You're so adorable.
So what do you want to drink? Um, I'll get my usual.
Triple macchiato, no foam.
Great.
Wow.
You have so many cool tats on your - Thanks.
- Yeah.
What's, uh May I? What's that one above your Br Uh, your shoulder? I bet there's a cool story behind that one.
It's a logo: FPE, Free Planet Earth.
It's this environmental organization I do a lot of work for.
Oh, cool.
Yeah.
I, uh I love Earth too.
I'm very pro it.
That's awesome.
Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a Tesla No gas.
You know, foreign oil Meh, bleep that noise, right? It's super expensive, but, shit, it's for Earth, right, our planet.
Yeah, totally.
Billy Crystal has one, my costar Billy Crystal from my new series that's premiering in a couple of weeks.
You know Billy Crystal? Know him? We're like brothers.
He's like my really old brother.
That's cool.
You know, this Friday, we're having this event.
Yeah? And if the two of you came, it would be epic.
There's gonna be music, amazing speeches, and all the food is freegan.
Yeah, you know, it's not really a matter of the food costing any money.
It's just, Billy's a pretty busy guy.
Oh You're not gonna break my heart, are you? - You've gotta be kidding me - Sorry it just sort of popped out Well pop it back in.
Yes! That's what I'm talking about "Pop it back in.
" This banter that we have, this gentle ribbing, if we were to apply even a little bit of that chemistry to a charity event, could you imagine? It could be incredible.
You want to bang this girl, don't you? Why do you do that? Why do you immediately jump to the most cynical place when it comes to me? Have you ever thought maybe just being around you the past couple of months has inspired me, seeing all the charitable work that you do? Perhaps it has given me an impetus to want to be the best version of myself, to give back? She's really hot, huh? So hot.
Oh, God, Josh.
But she's got the kind of face that you just don't imagine that there's gonna be these huge tits, and then you look down, and there they are, these huge-ass tit Titties.
(Billy) Charity is very important to me, obviously.
Comic Relief alone, we raised almost $70 million to help the homeless, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I must get five or six requests a week to make appearances.
Last night, I did an appearance to raise money Well, shoes for inner city kids.
Well, Esme, Esme Yes, friend? Uh, in my office Do me a favor, please There's a big box of sneakers and athletic stuff from the charity last night.
Do you mind putting that in my car? All the way across the lot? Yeah, do you mind? My daughter likes to go through it.
Oh, yeah, good for her.
Anyway, so when Josh asked me about this charity (Josh) I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry to drag you into my shit.
I really am.
I've just been Mess ever since my divorce.
Divorce? - Yeah.
- What divorce? I didn't tell you I got divorced? You didn't tell me you were married.
Yeah, it was when I was 24, a really stupid post-college, "I'm getting laid; "let's go to Atlantic City and make a tragic mistake that lasts three months" kind of thing.
Anyway, I haven't been right ever since.
You realize you're asking me to be the most expensive sexual aid in the history of the world? No.
Cleopatra had a dildo made of ivory.
How do you know that? I watch a lot of History Channel.
(man) And picture's up! All right.
You want to run lines? Yeah, let's do it.
Why, Colonel, so nice to have you back on the plantation.
Shut up and give me what I've been looking for.
- That's not the line.
- Uh, what is it? - Lines? - (off camera) "I'm a Southern gentleman" - Oh, okay.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Why, Colonel, so nice to have you back on the plantation.
Is there anything I can get you? I'm a Southern gener Gen general? South (man) "Gentleman"! - I'm a Southern - We got it.
This is the longest light in L.
A.
Man Hey, Chief.
I know this guy.
I give him money almost every day.
Hey, Billy Crystal.
Hey, how you doing? You don't have to call me by both my names, you know? You and I, we're way past that, my friend.
- Am I right? - You're right.
How you doing out there today? Oh, it's hot as shit out here.
Hot as shit, yeah, I know.
Well, try to find some shade, right? You know, I'm looking for it all the time.
Yeah, I know.
I understand.
Hey, look, can I give you something? Please? Can I? Y'all making a movie? It's a documentary about my return to television, uh, with another guy.
Would you mind? Make me feel good.
All right? Thanks, Crystal.
[laughs.]
He picked "Crystal.
" That wouldn't have been my choice.
Boy, it's so sad, you know, what's happening in America, somebody like this Oh, wow! 20! Holy shit! This is way more than you usually give a mother And, um, it just makes you feel good that you can do the right thing.
(man) We are one out away from baseball history.
The crowd is on the edge of its seat, and Miller wants to talk it over on the mound.
I'm gonna throw him a couple of fastballs on the fence, and we'll make him chase a slider low and away.
I love you.
Let's not talk about this.
I am pitching a perfect game.
I know, but I love you so much.
Just get back behind the plate.
We'll talk about this at home.
You're my everything.
Hey, you got a second? Oh, yes.
Yes, of course, yeah.
Um, you know I drive a Tesla, you know, 'cause I don't want to, you know, bleep up the environment.
Yes, thank you.
It's the least I could do.
But I live a long way away, you know, in the Palisades.
It's It's a long drive in.
Right.
So I was thinking that in my parking spot, we could put a charger.
- Oh, okay.
- Electric charger.
Then I could charge the car up, so at the end of the day, I could be fully charged.
I am on it.
I will get it done.
Perfect, see? Kristen, you're terrific.
I don't know why Josh always puts you down, cause I think you're great.
What does he say about me? - I'm just kidding.
[laughs.]
Just some gentle ribbing.
Gentle ribbing.
I'll see you later.
[laughing and sobbing.]
What's the matter? You're crying.
No, no, no.
I mean I mean, yes.
Earlier I was crying but not at work.
What happened? I had to put my dog down.
Oh, that's hard.
I'm very sorry about that.
He was very old.
You know what? You have to just take care of yourself.
Your dog's in a better place.
Yes, you're right.
So You know, at the end there, he was He was not continent.
He was incontinent.
- Oh - Got tough.
That's yeah, that's But you know what? That's the time you got to do it.
Actually it had been going on for a couple of years, I'd say.
Of course, he had to sleep in my bed.
[sobs.]
He just had the best sense of humor.
He had a sense of humor? Nobody would get my jokes like he would, I mean And he would laugh? He would actually laugh? He would laugh.
How does a dog laugh? What was [panting.]
Hey, that's a That's a nice box.
This is a beautiful box.
Yeah, I got it from my vet.
Frederick was your Yeah.
All right.
So, uh, the charger? You'll take care of the charger? Oh, yes, I will get it done.
You got it.
[clicks tongue.]
Okay, thanks.
Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
I'm gonna take him around the studio.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Jesus Hey, Billy.
Hey.
Oh, hi, Mitch.
Hey, you got a sec? Uh, sure.
What's up? Did you have a chance to read the "Sasquatch and Son" sketch? Uh, which one was that? - I'm just joking.
- Oh! No, no, no, but, you know, I think, honestly, the characters are a little underdeveloped.
Oh.
I mean, they're father and son.
They own a junkyard.
They both have huge feet.
- Right.
- You know, I just think there's probably more to do - Yeah.
- You know, about Sasquatches.
Yeah, I guess that's that's Hey, what is that? - Oh.
- That is a may I? Oh, please.
That's my new chair.
Your new wow.
Yeah.
It's the new one.
It's got the extra lumbar support.
I believe it was tested on astronauts or some shit like that.
Wow.
It's fantas - Look at this.
- Yeah.
- It just moves like - Yeah.
It's completely silent, frictionless.
- Ball bearings? Really? - I don't even know, I, I, Yeah, why even ask at that point.
It's just so perfect.
Tada.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Welcome to my world.
Oh Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
Look at this.
Keeps going back just until you want that resistance, and then - There it is.
- It's there.
It's like sitting on What's the actress who was in Precious? Gabourey Sidibe.
It's like sitting on her.
[laughs.]
But I didn't mean that in a bad way.
I meant that in a good way.
Right.
It's not a race Not at all.
It's not a weight thing.
She's so [stammers.]
Beautiful, that you could sit.
Yes.
And it'll be soft.
It'll be great and just welcoming.
- Her spirit - I love her.
I think she's an amazing actress.
Oh, the best.
- I would love to - So talented.
- Develop something with her.
- Oh, yeah.
We'd be fun together.
Oh, that would be awesome.
- Police team? - Yep.
You know, but this, this is fantastic.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, swivel.
It's the best $1,700 I ever spent.
$1,700? Yeah, out of my own pocket, yeah.
'Cause I don't have a good chair, and I have a bad back; I have a little Oh, really? Compression in my lower spine.
Ooh.
Yeah, sometimes my feet get all tingly and weird Oh, man.
That sucks.
And pain down the back of my my hamstrings.
- It's awful.
- Wow.
But this, I don't feel anything, right? Look at well, look what I can do.
- Ooh.
- Look at me.
Miracle.
I'm Greg Louganis behind a desk.
[laughs.]
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Look at this.
This is fantastic.
- That's awesome.
- God.
Yeah.
Really great.
Amazing.
Hmm.
[as Eleanor Roosevelt.]
"Franklin, the Stalins are here.
" (Mitch) Uh-oh.
Fala went poo-poo in the East Room.
Polio stuff It's back.
This is really something.
Wow.
bleep.
(Billy) I decided to make an appearance at Josh's charity event.
He doesn't know I'm coming, so this should be a nice surprise.
You mind if I, uh If I smoke, if I roll down my window? [sighs.]
That cool? Will you give me five stars? Yeah, absolutely.
I'll do it right now.
Okay.
Open the window.
What? The window.
The window.
Yeah? Sorry.
(Billy) I mean, I give him a lot of crap, but he's a good kid, and he's doing the right thing, for the wrong reason, but he's doing the right thing.
Okay.
Here we are.
What are you doing? This can't be it.
This can't be it.
This is the address you gave me, bro-bro.
And by the way, no take-backs on the rating, eh? What? Hey! - Hey.
- You made it.
[all booing.]
Why are they booing me? Oh, they're not booing you.
They're booing that gas-guzzling piece of shit! Hi.
This tux is classic, by the way.
Super funny.
That's what I Oh, that's what I was going for.
Now, this is, like, a tailgate thing and then a shuttle comes and takes us to the event? Shuttle? Yeah, exactly.
[chuckles.]
So this is the stage.
There's some great freegan food.
And there's gonna be a drum circle later.
Hey, do you want something to drink? So this is it.
This is the event.
Here.
This stage.
Yeah.
I mean, we're gonna go burn some SUVs later at the car dealership, but set 'em on fire.
But, yeah, this is the event.
Are you okay? That's horrible.
Yeah.
Um, that last part that you said back there about the burning of SUVs was it? Yeah, we might just throw bricks at 'em.
We'll see.
We're gonna put it to a vote.
Oh.
Okay.
What's up? Oh, nothing.
Thank God Billy's not coming, huh? Wait.
What? Billy's not coming? What? You heard from him? No, you just said that.
I didn't think you heard that.
I don't get it.
How could every street be one way the wrong way? Make one wrong turn, and I'm lost.
The on-ramp is there.
I can see it.
Come on, Tesla.
Help me out here.
I'm stuck.
I'm like in an Escher painting here or something.
Oh, that taco stand looks good.
Oh no.
No, no no.
Dammit! Now where the hell am I? [organ playing cheerful melody.]
Set him up with the outside slider Uh-huh.
And then we'll come in with the heat.
Good plan.
Are we gonna talk about what happened last night? Because you said some pretty hurtful stuff.
Well, you know, sometimes I say some hurtful stuff when I am feeling hurt.
You go out with your friends Don't do this.
Don't do this.
I'm at home with a bottle of chardonnay cooling and the Kathy Griffin special on DVR, and you don't even text me.
- You didn't.
- You bet I did.
- You didn't.
- And you know what? It was hilarious.
She does a duet with Anderson Cooper you won't believe.
You little whore.
We still good with the slider, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay, great.
See, this is why I need a charger at work.
You know, I mean, it's a perfect example.
Kristen is great, but she's so distracted by this dog thing Crystal! Ha! - Oh, boy.
- Hey, Chief! How you doing? What a coincidence, huh? Of all the gin joints in all the world Your car broke? Uh, yeah, you know what? It didn't break.
The battery ran down.
Why don't you just get some gas? - There's a gas station - You don't need gas.
You don't need gas, Chief.
It's all electric.
See, this is what I get for trying to solve global warming.
You know? Which is a very real thing.
Yes, it is.
You know, hey, you know what? Here's I got 40 bucks here, for the weekend, you know? For the weekend? Yeah, weekend's coming up, so that should be good for you.
Do you know what? You is a white boy in this neighborhood with a fancy suit and a nice car, so I'll tell you what, you shouldn't be out here alone, so I'm gonna be your bodyguard.
All right.
Uh, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go in the car and make some calls.
It's a free country.
It is.
Yes.
All right.
[car chirps.]
I do a lot of charity work.
Turns out he has a prior commitment, uh, actually another pro-Earth event, a different one.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Well, I just found out.
I just found out.
Now, getting back to the whole, um, destroying SUVs of it all Damn, man! These is nice! Don't know about the color, but you know what they say: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Beggars can't be In the mouth.
We're gonna be doing a drum circle in a little while, so hang around for that.
Oh, and thanks again, Debbie, for bringing the gluten-free pasta; it was delicious.
Everybody give Debbie a hand.
And now I want to welcome to the stage our celebrity spokesperson, who has a few words to say.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, thank you.
No, I'm, uh I'm just a guest.
Oh, come on, please Get up here Hollywood superstar anyone? [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Hey [feedback screeches.]
Hey there.
Put the phones down! I don't want anyone filming this.
Oh What can be said that my good friend, barista, hasn't already said? You know, you guys are an inspiration, you know, just to turn up for an event like this, not that this event is a shitty one.
It's not shitty at all.
Not That's what I'm saying.
It has an authentic feel of what the people, homeless or otherwise, would Not that you guys look homeless.
It's just, the environment feels familiar to that demographic.
What I what I'm trying to say to you is, see, I'm a celebrity, so I go to I tend to go to the fancy stuff.
[all booing.]
Hang on.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Let me just finish for a second.
You're misunderstanding what I'm saying.
Oh, boy, do I want to leave him up there.
Oh I wish I cared half as much about anything as you guys do to come under a disgusting tunnel Let me finish! Let me finish! I let you talk! Oh, wow.
Unexpected.
Come here.
Hey, my guest, Billy Crystal.
Everybody, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I'm glad to be at this great event.
I believe in what you're doing.
We both do.
I do I do too.
Your principles are great.
We have to free the planet Earth, okay.
[cheers and applause.]
Unfortunately, I have to take my partner here back to the studio as we've had a terrible emergency with a fire and, um, there's all kinds of There is an emergency.
(Billy) But We pledge to you a check for $5,000.
[crowd murmuring.]
No, no, no, no, guys.
We can't be bought.
Okay, too bad.
Good night, everybody.
Bye-bye! [crowd shouting.]
I encourage all of you to tweet to your followers that Billy Crystal and Jonah Hill don't give a shit about the environment.
[crowd shouting.]
Where the hell did you come from? You're like a goddamn superhero.
I know.
On the plus side, we just saved five thousand dollars.
I'll split it with you.
[sighs.]
I'm gonna have the veal.
Excellent choice.
Thank you.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
[corks popping.]
Oh, oh That is literally the best taco I've ever had.
Mmm.
Sometimes you find the best places when you're lost.
Rejection makes everything taste so much better.
You know, Josh, charity It's got to come from the heart.
You can't just sign up for something you don't really care about just for the chance of getting laid.
I did that once, and believe me, I never did it again.
What happened? We're married 43 years.
It's a joke.
I'm joking.
[laughs.]
Good.
No, you just You start small.
You do something nice for the people around you, and then you go from there.
I bought your taco.
Less small.
(Kristen) The craziest thing happened about a week after Frederick died.
Out of the blue, I get this Facebook message from an old high school boyfriend of mine.
He was my chemistry teacher, actually.
This weekend, we saw each other.
And I don't know.
It was like, after all these years, we just we kind of picked right back up where we left off, except that he wasn't married anymore.
But the crazy part of all of this is, he's deathly allergic to dogs.
So if this had happened even a week earlier, then who knows? Life is amazing sometimes.
Kristen, Billy wants to see you on set right now, okay? He says it's an emergency.
Come on.
Kristen What is going on? Well, Josh and I were talking, and (Josh) We decided to get you This little guy! Huh? A puppy.
Wow.
He's a rescue.
Yeah.
Just like you, Kristen.
Yeah.
Uh Here you go.
Yeah.
Now, the bad news is he's not housebroken.
But your apartment's used to that from what you've told me about your other dog.
[crowd murmuring.]
Thank you, guys.
[applause.]
So sweet.
Did you get the charger? Yes, it's on your It's by your car.
Good.
Great.
We did a good thing.
Really, really good.
Feels good, doesn't it? It feels great.
Really good.
See ya.
Absolutely.
I'm gonna scoot.
Okay.
Have a good night.
Hmm Ooh, there you go.
Ah.
[sighs.]
Hmm The movie makes $150 million worldwide.
Cost $25 million to make, right? And they don't want to make another one.
You got Bette Midler.
You got me.
You got these cute little kids, a story that people want to see another one of They don't want to make it 'cause it's too cheap to make.
Does that make sense? It don't make any sense.
All they want to do is make these big tentpole movies.
I don't get it.
Do you get it? No, I don't get it either.
You don't get it.
It seem to be that these people would realize the difference.
Yeah, but it's all about toys and marketing and animals and Oh, yeah, merchandising is the game with all these brands.
All of that stuff.
That's right.
I'm just happy to be doing my show.
- I tell you that - Yeah man.
.
Pretty terrible