The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e08 Episode Script
Shirts and Skin
1 Hey, so listen, man.
I told you guys selling Comedy Get Down t-shirts was a great idea.
They are selling like sizzurp at a Drake concert.
What the hell does that mean, George? I just wanna give a reference so you guys know how well we're doing.
Why don't you say it like that? All right, cool, we're doing great, guys.
Listen, and when we're in Houston, my friend Gunther has this heavy metal death band, and I told him that we'd make an appearance in his video.
George, nobody wants to go and be in some devil worship music video.
I'll do it for you, George.
But the minute I see someone drinking blood, I'm out.
GEORGE: Okay, that's cool, all right? Cheers to a good show tonight.
- All right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get down! Hey George, listen I wanted to holler at you about them t-shirts, man.
I think we're charging a little too much, man.
We comedians, not Ralph Lauren.
No, you're right, you're right.
Hammer heard the same kind of talk when he was with British Knights.
But listen, here's the thing.
It's more expensive 'cause the cotton's better.
It's 100% Himalayan pure jersey cotton.
Now, most guys use the bad cotton, and then you wash it once, and then you end up with, like, a little t-shirt like DL wears.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, my daughter, she can't fit in my Cyndi Lauper shirt.
She's seven years old.
She can't get the shirt on.
You're a Cyndi Lauper fan? "True Colors" was the soundtrack of my life, mother [BLEEP.]
.
- That comes shining through.
- It does come shining through.
Okay, hey, listen.
The bottom line is we're firing on all cylinders.
We're like the Avengers.
We're gonna have a rough time trying to figure out which one of us is gonna be the Black Panther.
It' ain't gonna be me.
My grandma'd get mad.
Hey, Eddie, let me get you another cigar, man.
Fo sho, man.
I'm coming up short.
He be smoking his cigar like it was a blunt.
Where are you guys going? I'm gonna get Eddie a cigar.
Okay.
Uh, great news guys.
Yes, hello.
Y'all have been upgraded to the presidential suite by one Ms.
Nancy Vandenberg? - Really? - NINA: Yes.
Who the hell is Nancy Vandenberg? She's a rich white woman who want a slice of Charlie Murphy pie.
What? Yeah, she's been sweating me for about two months, sending me gifts, love letters.
Oh, the audacity! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, she's also inviting all you guys to lunch today.
Oh, check it! Look like somebody got a Oprah.
Which makes you her Steadman.
DL AND CEDRIC: Ah! I'm not interested.
Hold on, Charlie.
Wait a minute, man.
You got a woman that's basically hunting you down to get a little piece of you, spending money on you and everything? That's every man's dream.
DL: Uhhuh.
I'm not seeing the downside here, man.
So what you lookin' at That's right Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh my god, is that a Thundercat? No, that's the downside.
Hi, baby.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x08 "Shirts and Skin " Dec 7, 2017 So, uh, what's up with these two oak trees behind us? NANCY: Oh, well, when you wear rare yellow diamonds, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Oh.
They're harmless, as long as you don't try and touch me.
You ain't gotta worry about that.
There is no concern there.
Except for Charlie.
You can touch me wherever you want.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I got you a little something.
Open it.
Whoa.
Oh, oh, oh! Dude, that's the Lexara watch I wanted.
That watch has been on back order for six months.
It's impossible to get.
It is impossible if you don't know the CEO of Lexara.
You know the CEO of Lexara? Whoa! Because my friend Steve introduced us a couple of years ago before he passed away.
Steve? Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs? IPhone Steve Jobs? You know iPhone Steve Jobs? Yes.
Can you get the new 7's? Or the 8? 'Cause by the time you get it, it will be the 9.
Get the 9.
All 9's.
Look at Nancy, you out here in the streets.
You put a bid right now.
Who else you know? I know a lot of people.
You know President Obama? No, no.
But I am going to meet Michelle in a couple weeks 'cause she's going to that private concert that Beyoncé's putting on, and Bea promised to introduce me.
Get outta here.
You crazy.
No, no, for real.
As a matter of fact, would you guys like to come? I mean, maybe bring your wives? And I can also get you each a watch.
[STUTTERS.]
Good Charlie Charlie, come on.
She a keeper.
DL: I got the feeling that we are gonna be friends for a long time.
NANCY: I am so glad you said that, DL, because I really believe friends should help friends out.
DL: They should, absolutely.
What can we do for you? You want tickets to the show or Maybe call your momma on the phone.
That's a big request we get all the time.
Hello, this is Cedric.
How are you doing, Mrs.
Whatever Your Last Name Is? No, all I want in return is for Charlie to make an honest woman out of me.
[SPUTTERS.]
CEDRIC: Oh.
Oh! You want me to marry you? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, of course not.
- I want sex.
- Huh? NANCY: I want you buck naked with a necktie on so I have something to hang on to.
That that is that is reasonable, Nancy, 'cause Charlie has a great necktie collection.
That's so good, because as soon as you take me to my happy place, Charlie, I can make that call for those watches and tickets.
[SOFTLY.]
Charlie You know what's funny? When I was getting dressed to come down here, I noticed that I didn't pack none of my neckties.
Not one.
My man, my man here's $50.
Give me the necktie.
Necktie, yeah.
There you go, that's beautiful.
There you go.
You can hold on to that, huh? That's perfect.
Man, what you thinking? I'm a piece of meat, bro? No.
Yes.
DL AND NANCY: Charlie? - He - He's high-strung.
He did you know that he is a huge Cyndi Lauper fan? DL: Yeah.
"True Colors" is his g-spot.
So about these watches.
Now, listen.
Can you get that in all black? Like a black face with black diamonds with a black band? Yes.
- Black on black on black? - Anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
CEDRIC: That's awesome.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING.]
- Good show, George.
- Oh, thanks.
Bringing joy to the world, brother.
That's why the good lord put me here.
How are we doing on the t-shirts tonight? Well, it's interesting.
Each of the last two nights, we've sold about 2,000 shirts.
Tonight, we sold seven.
7,000? That's amazing, man.
That's badass.
No, no, no.
Like, no zeros.
Like, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
What are you talking about? That's impossible, White Terry.
What are you doin'? You stealing? You lost the shirts? You trying to cover up? No, no, no.
I mean, look, we actually sold six.
Somebody stole one.
Well, technically they didn't steal one.
I mean, he said, "Give me a shirt or I'm gonna punch you in the mouth hole.
" I said, "I don't want to get punched.
"I'm a pacifist, and I don't enjoy pain.
" - That's weird.
- I know.
People are so violent nowadays.
I'm talking about only selling seven shirts.
Right.
Of course that's what you're talking about.
You wouldn't be talking about me getting punched in the mouth.
You're talking about the shirts.
You want me to come with you? - GEORGE: Come on! - Yes! [DOOR KNOCKING.]
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
Hey, good to see you, man.
How are you doin'? Hey, uh, can we talk for a minute? Yeah, have a seat.
Hey, Charlie, you and I, you know, have gotten to be, I think, pretty close during the tour.
We're kind of like brothers.
And brothers help other brothers out.
Like, if I knew you needed something, I'd be the first in line.
So, I mean, you know, that's what brothers do.
You need some money? No, no.
No, no.
That's nice, though.
That's really nice.
But me and Ced, we're talking, and, uh, we've been discussing this.
And what we need is for you to [BLEEP.]
Nancy.
[CHUCKLES.]
You must've lost your [BLEEP.]
mind.
You want me to [BLEEP.]
a monster? - A monster? - Monster, man! Monster is a strong word.
But this monster can get us watches and Beyoncé tickets tickets, by the way, which I've already promised my wife, man.
Come on, take one for the team.
Take one for the team? Yes.
Because you and Ced playing me? Because all of us all of us need watches and Beyoncé tickets.
- Dang, that's not happening.
- That's not happening? - That's taking it too far.
- That's taking it too far? Nah, I'm not [BLEEP.]
monsters for the team.
You remember the Brazilian chick that thought you was Denzel? And I went along with it so you could get some ass.
You remember that? I had to play Carlton from "Fresh Prince.
" My hips don't move like that.
That's what brothers do.
You gonna go there, really? I'm gonna have to go there, man.
You know my hips ain't been the same since, doing that dumbass dance? That's low, man.
That's real low.
- And I feel terrible.
- Real low.
And I don't wanna do it.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
[EXHALES LOUDLY.]
Okay, I'm gonna [BLEEP.]
your monster.
I would hug you, but I know you're upset.
But I'm hugging you from the inside.
Yeah, don't hug me, man.
I just hey, man Charlie, you're a they don't make them like you no more.
Wrong, bro.
Real wrong.
If it's any consolation aw, [BLEEP.]
it.
Consolation.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Ced? Guess who's [BLEEP.]
Nancy? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, he did.
He mad.
So what? Yeah, I know.
How did we sell six t-shirts tonight? I don't know.
It's weird, right? Look, I saw a van outside, okay? There's a bunch of people crowding around it.
I thought they were just smoking weed, 'cause that's sort of your demographic, frankly.
But now I think they were selling bootlegged shirts.
I bet you're right.
Bastards.
White Terry, go get my stun gun.
The one that you hold against the body or the one that you shoot? Do you hear what's happening, man? Get 'em both! Yeah.
Oh, they're back at the hotel.
They're back at the hotel? Shoot! Well, then get me a table leg or a stick.
What? Get me, like, a can of soda, but a 16 ounce, or one of those California Kong packs, the 7 ounce.
George, don't do anything stupid.
- Come on! - NINA: No, listen to me! I'm responsible for you and everyone! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Here, take one.
One at a time, one at a time.
What the [BLEEP.]
are you Eddie! All right, here, here.
Got one for the lady.
Here you go.
For the lady right there.
[LAUGHS.]
Eddie, what the [BLEEP.]
are you doing? Why is Affion Crockett with you? Hey, I don't want no trouble, George.
Affion, put your hands down.
George ain't the law, man.
I heard on TMZ he be carrying stun guns and shit, man! I got stun guns and shit, just White Terry left them in the hotel room.
Cool.
What are you doing? Bootlegging the t-shirts? No, I'm not bootlegging, man.
I'm trying to give our fans an affordable option.
Affion got a guy that gave us a t-shirt at half the price you're getting yours for.
We selling double the t-shirts.
Right now, we're breaking even.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Minus Affion's finder's fee.
This is it right here? This is a 50/50 cotton-poly blend, Eddie! George, don't nobody give a damn about the poly blend.
All these fans when they come out is some kind of souvenir.
I wish you would ask me before you did this.
You got, like, 1,000 shirts in here.
Ask you? Did you ask us, George, when you went and got your little Gucci-ass t-shirts? Oh, oh, wait a minute.
How about that time you said, let's all go skydiving, some kind of literacy charity event? That was for a good cause.
A good cause? [BLEEP.]
don't skydive, George.
I'd rather pay a mother [BLEEP.]
than jump out a damn plane! Man, who died and made you king, George? There are no Mexican kings.
Maximilian.
That's a Mexican king.
- Affion, shut the [BLEEP.]
up.
- Shut the [BLEEP.]
up, Affion.
Damn.
Two for 35! George, you treating the rest of us like we're some mother [BLEEP.]
daycare or some shit.
I'm a grown-ass man, George.
I got nine kids, two divorces, two warrants, man, and a prostate exam next week to prove shit.
Okay, listen, I wouldn't treat you like you were daycare - if you didn't act like a baby.
- You acting like a baby.
- You're acting like a baby.
- No, you acting like the baby.
You act like a baby in the crib that [BLEEP.]
bottle empty, [BLEEP.]
birds.
You got a diaper on right now.
- Oh, I do? - Yeah.
You know what? You got a diaper on.
And you got Neo helping you too.
I'm out.
Give me the money, man! Do what you do, porno.
WOMAN IN PORNO: Yes, yes, yes, yes! Hey, Big Daddy.
How do I look? - Interesting.
- Heh thanks.
So, are you ready for all of this? Uh, I could use another minute or two with the iPad.
No.
No.
I like you, Charlie Murphy.
I see I'm the lucky guy.
Yeah, and you are about to get a whole lot luckier, 'cause it's gonna go down now.
And I hope you brought those bullets, 'cause I brought the guns.
Yeah, oh! - [GROWLS.]
- Oh! I'm taking one for the team! I'm taking one for the team! I'm the taking one for the team! I'm taking I'm taking oh! George, what you got at the bar, man? I need a drink.
I'm not proud of my actions right now.
Yeah, right there.
What's going on? Ah, tequila.
Charlie's having sex with this woman for us.
- What? - It's a long story.
But the bottom line is if Charlie pleases this strong, pasty woman sexually, we get Beyoncé tickets and watches.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Lexara watches, man.
And I'm getting one with the black diamond with the black face, with the eel skin, snakeskin, and lamb's wool all in one band.
GEORGE: [LAUGHS.]
Okay, come on, man.
Lexara watches? Man, you guys got some gourmet tastes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- We got expensive taste? Look who's talking over here, Mr.
$60 T-Shirt, yeah.
Wait a minute, man.
Okay, listen Lexara watches and high-quality Himalayan cotton t-shirts, those are two different things.
I want our fans to have something that's quality.
The fans with the fat-ass wallets.
[LAUGHS.]
CEDRIC: George, our fans, man, once they buy the tickets, get their hair did, get an outfit, get their car washed, they're tapped out.
They not gonna go show up in the concert with some Wrangler jeans on and some dusty-old cowboy boots like your people you know, no offense.
Wait a minute, man.
Don't say that, 'cause they gotta get documents, and then they gotta shave their heads and let the ink dry from the tattoo on their neck.
Listen, if you guys had a problem with all that, how come you didn't say anything? Come on, man.
Once you made your mind up about something, there ain't no talking you out of it.
You're like my wife if she were a Mexican and she smelled like weed all the time.
Okay.
Well, maybe you guys are right.
Listen, man, I'm just so pissed off that Eddie Griffin was bootlegging the t-shirts.
- What are you saying? - Eddie bootlegged the t-shirts? Yeah, man.
Eddie and Affion Crockett.
Affion Crockett? What are you talking about? It's a long story.
[MOANING IN NEXT ROOM.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that is that Charlie? Oh! Somebody is taming the monster right now! - Releasing the kraken.
- Ha ha! I guess we know who the Black Panther is, right? - Charlie Murphy.
- Charlie Murphy! Can you walk? You know I put it on you.
It was fun.
Thank you.
Hey, don't act like I ain't just blow your back out.
I wouldn't say you blew my back out.
Well, I did the deed.
That means that my boys is getting the free Beyoncé tickets and the watches, right? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Um, well, see, about that.
All the stuff that I said as far as the watches and the Beyoncé tickets? I just said that stuff to get you into bed.
- You used me for my body? - Yeah, pretty much so.
See, I really like sleeping with comedians.
And, well, hon, you were just the next on the list.
- You're just a chuckle [BLEEP.]
? - Yeah.
[SHUTTER CLICK.]
But if it's any consolation, you were so much better than your brother.
Hey, wait a minute.
Yo, you can't just walk out on Charlie Murphy like that.
Yo hey, yo! Hey, what the [BLEEP.]
you doing, man? Hey, that's my watch! You know how hard I had to work to get that, man? That's wrong, man.
Whatever happened to Black Lives Matter? - What's up, Eddie? - What's up? Listen, man.
I just want to apologize.
I was out of control, man.
And you were right about the t-shirts.
Well, go on and apologize.
I'm waiting.
I I'm apologizing.
I said I'm sorry.
That's an apology? You're telling me that's an apology? Come on, man, that's an apology.
I'm being sincere.
I'm just busting your balls over here.
Come on, man.
Whatcha doin', man? Listen, man, I blame the 17 years I was married, bro.
I lost a chunk of money, man.
That shrapnel, the medication, lost my house George? We good, King George, we good.
- Love you, man.
- Love you too, brother.
Y'all seen Charlie? - No.
- No? Wait a minute.
Did you check his room? CEDRIC: I don't know, man.
He had the Cyndi Lauper music playing so loud, I don't know if he's putting it down or putting it up, you know what I'm saying? [LAUGHTER.]
There he is.
Hey, Charlie! - Charlie! - What's up? Bad news, fellas.
Uh, no Beyoncé tickets, no watches.
Hey, man, where the watch, man? - Come on, man.
- Damn.
There ain't gonna be no watch, bro.
What happened? You couldn't get it up? This is me you talkin' to, bro.
I put it on.
I even put the Murphy grip on.
How come you needed the Murphy grip to grab a [BLEEP.]
damn watch? Hey, listen.
The woman just wanted to use me for my body, okay? She likes having sex with comedians.
She's a chuckle [BLEEP.]
? Is that the term? - Chuckle [BLEEP.]
? - Chuckle [BLEEP.]
.
That's the term.
Damn my luck, man.
Shit.
Damn your luck? Your luck? [BLEEP.]
had to just [BLEEP.]
Chuckie's grandmother.
- Come on, don't say that.
- Tell me about your luck.
I'mma tell you something right now, too.
I better not hear about this from nobody else in the street, man.
I know you like to run yo mouth.
Yeah, I'm telling you, Ced I'm telling you, man.
Your fans would love to find out how you eat peanut butter sandwiches with a knife and fork.
Everybody do that.
CHARLIE: How are fans gonna feel about you? You know, they don't change since you got the money, bro.
And you, George.
Yeah, you like flapping your lips too.
Telling you right now, you want people to shake it out? Your 35 chihuahuas? I'm gonna kidnap them mother [BLEEP.]
and mail their ass to North Korea.
All right, okay.
All right, all right.
Okay, all right.
I got it.
- Oh, man, yo, fellas, fellas.
- Hey.
- You're not gonna believe this.
- What's up, Af? Just ran up on this rich-ass chick, right? She gave me this watch.
You ever seen one like that? - Look at that, man.
- AFFION: You never seen that? All the money standing here right now, you ain't never seen one like this? Come on, man, let me put it in the middle.
Like a football huddle, you know what I mean? Just look at that real quick.
- Hey, sweetheart, let's go.
- All right.
You're gonna get my Netflix turned back on? Of course.
- That boy's in trouble.
- [CHUCKLING.]
I told you guys selling Comedy Get Down t-shirts was a great idea.
They are selling like sizzurp at a Drake concert.
What the hell does that mean, George? I just wanna give a reference so you guys know how well we're doing.
Why don't you say it like that? All right, cool, we're doing great, guys.
Listen, and when we're in Houston, my friend Gunther has this heavy metal death band, and I told him that we'd make an appearance in his video.
George, nobody wants to go and be in some devil worship music video.
I'll do it for you, George.
But the minute I see someone drinking blood, I'm out.
GEORGE: Okay, that's cool, all right? Cheers to a good show tonight.
- All right.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get down! Hey George, listen I wanted to holler at you about them t-shirts, man.
I think we're charging a little too much, man.
We comedians, not Ralph Lauren.
No, you're right, you're right.
Hammer heard the same kind of talk when he was with British Knights.
But listen, here's the thing.
It's more expensive 'cause the cotton's better.
It's 100% Himalayan pure jersey cotton.
Now, most guys use the bad cotton, and then you wash it once, and then you end up with, like, a little t-shirt like DL wears.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, my daughter, she can't fit in my Cyndi Lauper shirt.
She's seven years old.
She can't get the shirt on.
You're a Cyndi Lauper fan? "True Colors" was the soundtrack of my life, mother [BLEEP.]
.
- That comes shining through.
- It does come shining through.
Okay, hey, listen.
The bottom line is we're firing on all cylinders.
We're like the Avengers.
We're gonna have a rough time trying to figure out which one of us is gonna be the Black Panther.
It' ain't gonna be me.
My grandma'd get mad.
Hey, Eddie, let me get you another cigar, man.
Fo sho, man.
I'm coming up short.
He be smoking his cigar like it was a blunt.
Where are you guys going? I'm gonna get Eddie a cigar.
Okay.
Uh, great news guys.
Yes, hello.
Y'all have been upgraded to the presidential suite by one Ms.
Nancy Vandenberg? - Really? - NINA: Yes.
Who the hell is Nancy Vandenberg? She's a rich white woman who want a slice of Charlie Murphy pie.
What? Yeah, she's been sweating me for about two months, sending me gifts, love letters.
Oh, the audacity! [CHUCKLING.]
Oh, she's also inviting all you guys to lunch today.
Oh, check it! Look like somebody got a Oprah.
Which makes you her Steadman.
DL AND CEDRIC: Ah! I'm not interested.
Hold on, Charlie.
Wait a minute, man.
You got a woman that's basically hunting you down to get a little piece of you, spending money on you and everything? That's every man's dream.
DL: Uhhuh.
I'm not seeing the downside here, man.
So what you lookin' at That's right Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh my god, is that a Thundercat? No, that's the downside.
Hi, baby.
[THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x08 "Shirts and Skin " Dec 7, 2017 So, uh, what's up with these two oak trees behind us? NANCY: Oh, well, when you wear rare yellow diamonds, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Oh.
They're harmless, as long as you don't try and touch me.
You ain't gotta worry about that.
There is no concern there.
Except for Charlie.
You can touch me wherever you want.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I got you a little something.
Open it.
Whoa.
Oh, oh, oh! Dude, that's the Lexara watch I wanted.
That watch has been on back order for six months.
It's impossible to get.
It is impossible if you don't know the CEO of Lexara.
You know the CEO of Lexara? Whoa! Because my friend Steve introduced us a couple of years ago before he passed away.
Steve? Steve Jobs.
Steve Jobs? IPhone Steve Jobs? You know iPhone Steve Jobs? Yes.
Can you get the new 7's? Or the 8? 'Cause by the time you get it, it will be the 9.
Get the 9.
All 9's.
Look at Nancy, you out here in the streets.
You put a bid right now.
Who else you know? I know a lot of people.
You know President Obama? No, no.
But I am going to meet Michelle in a couple weeks 'cause she's going to that private concert that Beyoncé's putting on, and Bea promised to introduce me.
Get outta here.
You crazy.
No, no, for real.
As a matter of fact, would you guys like to come? I mean, maybe bring your wives? And I can also get you each a watch.
[STUTTERS.]
Good Charlie Charlie, come on.
She a keeper.
DL: I got the feeling that we are gonna be friends for a long time.
NANCY: I am so glad you said that, DL, because I really believe friends should help friends out.
DL: They should, absolutely.
What can we do for you? You want tickets to the show or Maybe call your momma on the phone.
That's a big request we get all the time.
Hello, this is Cedric.
How are you doing, Mrs.
Whatever Your Last Name Is? No, all I want in return is for Charlie to make an honest woman out of me.
[SPUTTERS.]
CEDRIC: Oh.
Oh! You want me to marry you? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, of course not.
- I want sex.
- Huh? NANCY: I want you buck naked with a necktie on so I have something to hang on to.
That that is that is reasonable, Nancy, 'cause Charlie has a great necktie collection.
That's so good, because as soon as you take me to my happy place, Charlie, I can make that call for those watches and tickets.
[SOFTLY.]
Charlie You know what's funny? When I was getting dressed to come down here, I noticed that I didn't pack none of my neckties.
Not one.
My man, my man here's $50.
Give me the necktie.
Necktie, yeah.
There you go, that's beautiful.
There you go.
You can hold on to that, huh? That's perfect.
Man, what you thinking? I'm a piece of meat, bro? No.
Yes.
DL AND NANCY: Charlie? - He - He's high-strung.
He did you know that he is a huge Cyndi Lauper fan? DL: Yeah.
"True Colors" is his g-spot.
So about these watches.
Now, listen.
Can you get that in all black? Like a black face with black diamonds with a black band? Yes.
- Black on black on black? - Anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
CEDRIC: That's awesome.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING.]
- Good show, George.
- Oh, thanks.
Bringing joy to the world, brother.
That's why the good lord put me here.
How are we doing on the t-shirts tonight? Well, it's interesting.
Each of the last two nights, we've sold about 2,000 shirts.
Tonight, we sold seven.
7,000? That's amazing, man.
That's badass.
No, no, no.
Like, no zeros.
Like, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
What are you talking about? That's impossible, White Terry.
What are you doin'? You stealing? You lost the shirts? You trying to cover up? No, no, no.
I mean, look, we actually sold six.
Somebody stole one.
Well, technically they didn't steal one.
I mean, he said, "Give me a shirt or I'm gonna punch you in the mouth hole.
" I said, "I don't want to get punched.
"I'm a pacifist, and I don't enjoy pain.
" - That's weird.
- I know.
People are so violent nowadays.
I'm talking about only selling seven shirts.
Right.
Of course that's what you're talking about.
You wouldn't be talking about me getting punched in the mouth.
You're talking about the shirts.
You want me to come with you? - GEORGE: Come on! - Yes! [DOOR KNOCKING.]
- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
Hey, good to see you, man.
How are you doin'? Hey, uh, can we talk for a minute? Yeah, have a seat.
Hey, Charlie, you and I, you know, have gotten to be, I think, pretty close during the tour.
We're kind of like brothers.
And brothers help other brothers out.
Like, if I knew you needed something, I'd be the first in line.
So, I mean, you know, that's what brothers do.
You need some money? No, no.
No, no.
That's nice, though.
That's really nice.
But me and Ced, we're talking, and, uh, we've been discussing this.
And what we need is for you to [BLEEP.]
Nancy.
[CHUCKLES.]
You must've lost your [BLEEP.]
mind.
You want me to [BLEEP.]
a monster? - A monster? - Monster, man! Monster is a strong word.
But this monster can get us watches and Beyoncé tickets tickets, by the way, which I've already promised my wife, man.
Come on, take one for the team.
Take one for the team? Yes.
Because you and Ced playing me? Because all of us all of us need watches and Beyoncé tickets.
- Dang, that's not happening.
- That's not happening? - That's taking it too far.
- That's taking it too far? Nah, I'm not [BLEEP.]
monsters for the team.
You remember the Brazilian chick that thought you was Denzel? And I went along with it so you could get some ass.
You remember that? I had to play Carlton from "Fresh Prince.
" My hips don't move like that.
That's what brothers do.
You gonna go there, really? I'm gonna have to go there, man.
You know my hips ain't been the same since, doing that dumbass dance? That's low, man.
That's real low.
- And I feel terrible.
- Real low.
And I don't wanna do it.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.
[EXHALES LOUDLY.]
Okay, I'm gonna [BLEEP.]
your monster.
I would hug you, but I know you're upset.
But I'm hugging you from the inside.
Yeah, don't hug me, man.
I just hey, man Charlie, you're a they don't make them like you no more.
Wrong, bro.
Real wrong.
If it's any consolation aw, [BLEEP.]
it.
Consolation.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, Ced? Guess who's [BLEEP.]
Nancy? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, he did.
He mad.
So what? Yeah, I know.
How did we sell six t-shirts tonight? I don't know.
It's weird, right? Look, I saw a van outside, okay? There's a bunch of people crowding around it.
I thought they were just smoking weed, 'cause that's sort of your demographic, frankly.
But now I think they were selling bootlegged shirts.
I bet you're right.
Bastards.
White Terry, go get my stun gun.
The one that you hold against the body or the one that you shoot? Do you hear what's happening, man? Get 'em both! Yeah.
Oh, they're back at the hotel.
They're back at the hotel? Shoot! Well, then get me a table leg or a stick.
What? Get me, like, a can of soda, but a 16 ounce, or one of those California Kong packs, the 7 ounce.
George, don't do anything stupid.
- Come on! - NINA: No, listen to me! I'm responsible for you and everyone! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Here, take one.
One at a time, one at a time.
What the [BLEEP.]
are you Eddie! All right, here, here.
Got one for the lady.
Here you go.
For the lady right there.
[LAUGHS.]
Eddie, what the [BLEEP.]
are you doing? Why is Affion Crockett with you? Hey, I don't want no trouble, George.
Affion, put your hands down.
George ain't the law, man.
I heard on TMZ he be carrying stun guns and shit, man! I got stun guns and shit, just White Terry left them in the hotel room.
Cool.
What are you doing? Bootlegging the t-shirts? No, I'm not bootlegging, man.
I'm trying to give our fans an affordable option.
Affion got a guy that gave us a t-shirt at half the price you're getting yours for.
We selling double the t-shirts.
Right now, we're breaking even.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Minus Affion's finder's fee.
This is it right here? This is a 50/50 cotton-poly blend, Eddie! George, don't nobody give a damn about the poly blend.
All these fans when they come out is some kind of souvenir.
I wish you would ask me before you did this.
You got, like, 1,000 shirts in here.
Ask you? Did you ask us, George, when you went and got your little Gucci-ass t-shirts? Oh, oh, wait a minute.
How about that time you said, let's all go skydiving, some kind of literacy charity event? That was for a good cause.
A good cause? [BLEEP.]
don't skydive, George.
I'd rather pay a mother [BLEEP.]
than jump out a damn plane! Man, who died and made you king, George? There are no Mexican kings.
Maximilian.
That's a Mexican king.
- Affion, shut the [BLEEP.]
up.
- Shut the [BLEEP.]
up, Affion.
Damn.
Two for 35! George, you treating the rest of us like we're some mother [BLEEP.]
daycare or some shit.
I'm a grown-ass man, George.
I got nine kids, two divorces, two warrants, man, and a prostate exam next week to prove shit.
Okay, listen, I wouldn't treat you like you were daycare - if you didn't act like a baby.
- You acting like a baby.
- You're acting like a baby.
- No, you acting like the baby.
You act like a baby in the crib that [BLEEP.]
bottle empty, [BLEEP.]
birds.
You got a diaper on right now.
- Oh, I do? - Yeah.
You know what? You got a diaper on.
And you got Neo helping you too.
I'm out.
Give me the money, man! Do what you do, porno.
WOMAN IN PORNO: Yes, yes, yes, yes! Hey, Big Daddy.
How do I look? - Interesting.
- Heh thanks.
So, are you ready for all of this? Uh, I could use another minute or two with the iPad.
No.
No.
I like you, Charlie Murphy.
I see I'm the lucky guy.
Yeah, and you are about to get a whole lot luckier, 'cause it's gonna go down now.
And I hope you brought those bullets, 'cause I brought the guns.
Yeah, oh! - [GROWLS.]
- Oh! I'm taking one for the team! I'm taking one for the team! I'm the taking one for the team! I'm taking I'm taking oh! George, what you got at the bar, man? I need a drink.
I'm not proud of my actions right now.
Yeah, right there.
What's going on? Ah, tequila.
Charlie's having sex with this woman for us.
- What? - It's a long story.
But the bottom line is if Charlie pleases this strong, pasty woman sexually, we get Beyoncé tickets and watches.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Lexara watches, man.
And I'm getting one with the black diamond with the black face, with the eel skin, snakeskin, and lamb's wool all in one band.
GEORGE: [LAUGHS.]
Okay, come on, man.
Lexara watches? Man, you guys got some gourmet tastes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- We got expensive taste? Look who's talking over here, Mr.
$60 T-Shirt, yeah.
Wait a minute, man.
Okay, listen Lexara watches and high-quality Himalayan cotton t-shirts, those are two different things.
I want our fans to have something that's quality.
The fans with the fat-ass wallets.
[LAUGHS.]
CEDRIC: George, our fans, man, once they buy the tickets, get their hair did, get an outfit, get their car washed, they're tapped out.
They not gonna go show up in the concert with some Wrangler jeans on and some dusty-old cowboy boots like your people you know, no offense.
Wait a minute, man.
Don't say that, 'cause they gotta get documents, and then they gotta shave their heads and let the ink dry from the tattoo on their neck.
Listen, if you guys had a problem with all that, how come you didn't say anything? Come on, man.
Once you made your mind up about something, there ain't no talking you out of it.
You're like my wife if she were a Mexican and she smelled like weed all the time.
Okay.
Well, maybe you guys are right.
Listen, man, I'm just so pissed off that Eddie Griffin was bootlegging the t-shirts.
- What are you saying? - Eddie bootlegged the t-shirts? Yeah, man.
Eddie and Affion Crockett.
Affion Crockett? What are you talking about? It's a long story.
[MOANING IN NEXT ROOM.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that is that Charlie? Oh! Somebody is taming the monster right now! - Releasing the kraken.
- Ha ha! I guess we know who the Black Panther is, right? - Charlie Murphy.
- Charlie Murphy! Can you walk? You know I put it on you.
It was fun.
Thank you.
Hey, don't act like I ain't just blow your back out.
I wouldn't say you blew my back out.
Well, I did the deed.
That means that my boys is getting the free Beyoncé tickets and the watches, right? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Um, well, see, about that.
All the stuff that I said as far as the watches and the Beyoncé tickets? I just said that stuff to get you into bed.
- You used me for my body? - Yeah, pretty much so.
See, I really like sleeping with comedians.
And, well, hon, you were just the next on the list.
- You're just a chuckle [BLEEP.]
? - Yeah.
[SHUTTER CLICK.]
But if it's any consolation, you were so much better than your brother.
Hey, wait a minute.
Yo, you can't just walk out on Charlie Murphy like that.
Yo hey, yo! Hey, what the [BLEEP.]
you doing, man? Hey, that's my watch! You know how hard I had to work to get that, man? That's wrong, man.
Whatever happened to Black Lives Matter? - What's up, Eddie? - What's up? Listen, man.
I just want to apologize.
I was out of control, man.
And you were right about the t-shirts.
Well, go on and apologize.
I'm waiting.
I I'm apologizing.
I said I'm sorry.
That's an apology? You're telling me that's an apology? Come on, man, that's an apology.
I'm being sincere.
I'm just busting your balls over here.
Come on, man.
Whatcha doin', man? Listen, man, I blame the 17 years I was married, bro.
I lost a chunk of money, man.
That shrapnel, the medication, lost my house George? We good, King George, we good.
- Love you, man.
- Love you too, brother.
Y'all seen Charlie? - No.
- No? Wait a minute.
Did you check his room? CEDRIC: I don't know, man.
He had the Cyndi Lauper music playing so loud, I don't know if he's putting it down or putting it up, you know what I'm saying? [LAUGHTER.]
There he is.
Hey, Charlie! - Charlie! - What's up? Bad news, fellas.
Uh, no Beyoncé tickets, no watches.
Hey, man, where the watch, man? - Come on, man.
- Damn.
There ain't gonna be no watch, bro.
What happened? You couldn't get it up? This is me you talkin' to, bro.
I put it on.
I even put the Murphy grip on.
How come you needed the Murphy grip to grab a [BLEEP.]
damn watch? Hey, listen.
The woman just wanted to use me for my body, okay? She likes having sex with comedians.
She's a chuckle [BLEEP.]
? Is that the term? - Chuckle [BLEEP.]
? - Chuckle [BLEEP.]
.
That's the term.
Damn my luck, man.
Shit.
Damn your luck? Your luck? [BLEEP.]
had to just [BLEEP.]
Chuckie's grandmother.
- Come on, don't say that.
- Tell me about your luck.
I'mma tell you something right now, too.
I better not hear about this from nobody else in the street, man.
I know you like to run yo mouth.
Yeah, I'm telling you, Ced I'm telling you, man.
Your fans would love to find out how you eat peanut butter sandwiches with a knife and fork.
Everybody do that.
CHARLIE: How are fans gonna feel about you? You know, they don't change since you got the money, bro.
And you, George.
Yeah, you like flapping your lips too.
Telling you right now, you want people to shake it out? Your 35 chihuahuas? I'm gonna kidnap them mother [BLEEP.]
and mail their ass to North Korea.
All right, okay.
All right, all right.
Okay, all right.
I got it.
- Oh, man, yo, fellas, fellas.
- Hey.
- You're not gonna believe this.
- What's up, Af? Just ran up on this rich-ass chick, right? She gave me this watch.
You ever seen one like that? - Look at that, man.
- AFFION: You never seen that? All the money standing here right now, you ain't never seen one like this? Come on, man, let me put it in the middle.
Like a football huddle, you know what I mean? Just look at that real quick.
- Hey, sweetheart, let's go.
- All right.
You're gonna get my Netflix turned back on? Of course.
- That boy's in trouble.
- [CHUCKLING.]