The Critic s01e08 Episode Script
Marathon Mensch
1 Hello.
Uh, hello, Mr.
sherman, this is the fire department.
Your building is on fire.
We would have called sooner, but your neighbors asked us not to wake you.
It stinks.
Hello and welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight we'll be reviewing Tony Curtis in the bad news mets.
All right.
Which one of you threw that firecracker at the little girl? You're off the team.
All right, I'm making a lineup.
Who's gotta go to court today? You're off the team.
Now, who impregnated my daughter? Oh, marvelous.
Feh! But first, it's time for a segment I call "when films didn't stink so much.
" Tonight we'll pay tribute to silent film comedian, Silas b.
Manchester.
Here's a clip from his film, hold the mustard gas.
Silas began his career at age 3, when he starred with his family in the vaudeville production, life at our house.
As a young man, Silas made the transition to films with his classic character, "the dirty immigrant.
" Unfortunately, like many stars of the silent screen, Silas could not make the transition to color.
I was honored to be granted an audience with this comedic genius at his Burbank home.
You want some pringles? Looks like a can of tennis balls, but it's really potato chips.
Mmm.
Well, it must bring you much happiness to know millions of people still laugh at your incredible stunts.
I live every moment of every day Please help me restore the films of Silas b.
Manchester.
They were shot with ultra-flammable nitrate film stock, which, for some reason, was then soaked in kerosene.
That's our show.
Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing will work for food.
The hot new comedy based on the popular son.
Oh, my God! Fire! Help! Oh, dear.
I got to go back.
Mmm.
Chocolate.
I can't die like this.
I have holes in my little mermaid underwear.
Help! What a wimp! I don't know why I hired him.
You were whacked-out on painkillers for your back.
Oh, yeah.
That was the same week I bought those pandas.
Hong-ping, don't eat daddy's Picasso.
This is it, I'm gonna die! I'll see you in hell, justine Bateman! Coming up next, the crispy critic.
Man, you got it all.
Handsome as beavis, funny as butthead.
Mmm, smoke.
It looks like hell, but it smells like heaven.
Doris, help.
What did you ever do for me? I saved you from a burning building when you were overcome by smoke.
I don't see how that's relevant.
Ouch! Ow! Ow! Just let me know if you're suffering any brain damage.
Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me.
You're fine.
Would you like to sell your story to fox, to be made as a t.
V.
Movie? At a.
B.
C.
, we can get you Brian dennehy.
To do what? Make coffee, run errands, you name it.
As a result of this isolated fire, looting has broken out in midtown Manhattan, the Bronx, and Los Angeles.
You must be very appreciative of this woman.
She's like the proverbial mother who lifted the volkswagen off her child.
Except you are the volkswagen, and the child is the child in all of us.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
I was hired for my looks.
But one thing is certain, you disgust me.
A grown man like you needing a withery old bat like her to save him.
Amen, brother.
You, sir, are the biggest wuss on the island of Manhattan.
Oh, yeah? What about the guy in m.
Butterfly? You heard me.
I'm so ashamed.
I've embarrassed myself in front of the whole world.
Don't worry, dad.
I'm sure it'll blow over soon.
Tonight's regularly scheduled program, cops goes to Shannon Doherty's house will not be seen so we can bring you the following fox original movie, the cowering inferno: The Jay sherman story.
Starring Jessica tandy as the courageous Doris and sumo wrestler toru sakai as the cowardly film critic.
Help! Help! I've got to go potty.
Did you really say that, dad? I may have screamed the word potty, but they took it way out of context.
Son, I've never been so ashamed.
Boo! Jerk! Ignore them, Mr.
sherman.
Vlada is still your friend.
Thanks, man.
Serve him the tainted clams.
I never felt so wimpy in my whole life.
How come you never question your manhood? I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun.
I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world.
But that's in the movies, that's not reality.
They're not all movies.
One was an episode of the commish.
Well, I'm going to change.
From now on, I want to be a macho, macho man.
Can I freshen your Tommy tune? No.
But give me a Harvey fierstein.
- Hold the meringue.
- It goes straight to my thighs.
Got to be macho.
Got to be macho.
Got to be macho? It's wonderful! I am Rambo! Mommy, why did you abandon me? Father, why did you have to leave me? Daddy! Daddy! Keep it down, son.
I'm trying to get it to rain Harvey's Bristol cream.
This'll turn my image around.
Because nothing turns on the chicks like a human fly, or was it Spanish fly? Yo, fly, give me your wallet.
Help me.
That's it! I'm gonna run in the New York marathon.
That's the only way to regain my dignity.
Hmm.
It seems to be hailing.
Well, a real man likes a little hail in his face.
Ah! Johnny, don't empty the cat box out the window.
May I help you? I'd like to run in the marathon.
Everyone taking part in the Elvis relay team is supposed to sign up over there.
I am not an Elvis impersonator.
His films were a disgrace to the cinema.
I thought he was sexy.
that's heartbreak hotel well, I'm a I been so lonely, baby well, I'm so lonely I been so lonely I could die oh, Elvis! Thank you very much.
Now, why on earth would you want to run in a marathon? To prove I'm a man.
Rosalie, you changed his diapers, tell him he's a man.
Yes, he's a man In the way miniature golf is still golf.
Look, mom, I've got to do this.
All my life, I've felt physically inept.
We'll take Marshall flex.
We'll take Marshall's little sister.
Huh? Huh? Huh? We'll take myrna, the lunch lady.
And we'll take Phil, the undercover narc.
I'm going in the game.
You know who should train you, your father.
I was quite an athlete in my day.
Just look at this.
Oh, whoopsy.
Now, you run to that lighthouse and back and I will time you.
We found him lying by the side of the ocean.
We're doing our darnedest to keep him moist.
My son is not a whale.
Oh, whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum.
Now, shackleford, you hold Jay's feet while he does sit-ups.
Eee? Sir, isn't this the day I usually give enemas to the horses? Please say it is.
What does this exercise do? Makes me laugh.
I'm going to drive the car down the road.
When you reach me, we'll be done for the day.
Dad? Dad, where are you? Hello.
This is the new lean, mean, Jay sherman.
If you don't believe me, check this out.
I can't hold a pencil under my breast anymore.
Our first film tonight is an exciting new biopic, ike Turner: I, story.
Tina, I love you.
But if you need to go solo to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand.
I more than understand.
I respect you for it.
You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet.
I'll always love you, ike.
My work is done here.
Now Rick James and I are gonna go found the national organization for women.
I hear you're running in the marathon, son.
We'll pay all your expenses if you run in this shirt.
Hmm? Huh? I'm not wearing that.
You're not doing this for me, you're doing it for Webster, a sassy little orphan boy who was taken in by a brutish white couple but still spreads joy, weekdays at 5:00, 6:00, and 7:00.
Do you believe any of what you just said? Jay, you got to help me.
I thought I was buying diff'rent strokes.
Doris, I know I'm not gonna win the marathon, but I just want to finish.
You'll do fine.
Just remember this poem.
"Never quit, though your heart may pound "and you're short of breath, for quitting, my friend, is a fate worse than death.
" That's great.
I read it in smoker's digest.
Hello, vlada.
Tonight I'm on a diet.
Tell vlada junior, no Harvard.
In fact, I may just have coffee.
Pull the plug on mama.
Dad, I want to thank you for all the help you gave me.
Jay, I may seem like a silly old man to you, but I think you've got the heart of a champion.
Gee, thanks.
Just remember, when the judges are watching, don't sniff the other dogs' behinds.
There will be time for that later.
Hello, I'm Bob costas and this is the moment we've all been waiting for, the start of the 1994 New York marathon.
That wasn't the starting gun.
That was just some stray gunfire that hit the b.
F.
Skidmark blimp.
Can we get a shot from the blimp? And they're off.
First gear.
Vroom! Vroom! 2nd gear.
Vroom! Vroom! Turn on the nitro boosters! Vroom! Morbidly obese film critic Jay sherman has taken the lead.
Do you believe in miracles? Welcome back to our coverage of the New York marathon, brought to you by bloat beer.
After you've raced, go out and get faced.
Now it's time to get inside the jock with some of the more courageous athletes who compete in the race, like New York's own governor, Mario cuomo.
After deep soul-searching, I have decided to run.
I have decided not to run.
Please, Mario, we want you to run! The people have spoken.
I am running.
Uh, maybe next year.
Then there's Charlie Phillips, who's running the entire marathon with a live ferret in his pants.
It's not by choice.
Hello, mate.
You realize I can walk as fast as you can run? Even on my hands, I'm faster than you.
Look, maybe if we talk about something else, it will keep my mind off the race.
Good idea.
Yesterday I got a call from my agent.
They want me to star in rubik's cube, the movie.
Now, in the film, I'm given this puzzle.
If I don't solve it in one hour, a planeload of supermodels will die.
Ok, that's enough.
Now, the problem is, I'm color-blind, but my partner isn't.
Now, here's the hook.
My partner is a dog.
Please, this isn't working.
You know who they're gonna get to play the voice of the dog? Roger Clinton! Could you move a little to your right? All right, but Thank you.
I'll show you all.
The tortoise shall beat the hare.
That's it.
I can't go on.
I'm just not a man.
What kind of future do I have? And now the k.
D.
Lounge is proud to present the voluptuous Jay sherman! I wanna be loved by you just you hee! Yo! Wow! He's the best Barbara bush I've ever seen.
I swore I was going to finish this race, and that's what I'm going to do.
Boo-boop-bee-doo look.
Here he comes.
No.
That's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants.
Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus.
No, they didn't.
Well, they would have, if he'd had a ferret in his pants.
I'm getting a runner's high.
I've heard about this.
That's when you break through the pain and the world becomes a beautiful place.
the lullaby of Broadway the lullaby of Broadway 3-card monte! Is this the red card? They're all red! Here's your money! the rattle of the taxis at angelo's and maxie's Where to, mister? Harlem.
Hop in.
The meter's broken, so you ride free.
the lullaby of Broadway oh, yeah Lewd nudes.
They're fat, they're ugly, they smell like garbage, but they're nude.
Got to give me that.
Oh.
Oh, my God, the finish line! I can't believe it.
I'm actually going to go the distance! From the stench, it's obvious he's been dead for several hours.
The deceased appears to be about 70 years old.
I've been declared dead by better coroners than you.
We interrupt a.
B.
C.
'S who cares? It's Thursday lineup for this special bulletin.
Jay sherman, around the block in 80 days.
We're still waiting for runner Jay sherman to finish the New York marathon 17 hours after it started.
Which is ironic, because to walk the route only takes 13 hours.
In fact, this 78-year-old man just completed the race while pulling a bus with his teeth.
I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes, you could turn us into slaves and pack animals.
Oh, nuts! Whoo-hoo! Sherman's gone! Let's release that unwatchable Steve guttenberg movie, quick.
Uh, which one? Jay, are you all right? Jeremy! I'm so glad to see you.
I've been thinking about that wonderful rubik's cube movie.
So, what happens? Do the supermodels die? It would be so sad if they did.
Jay, you look like you need help.
Fortunately, I've got a nurse with me.
I'm not a nurse, I'm a stewardess.
Oh, well, Jay, it looks like you could use a kosher meal.
A little kugel maybe you have? Hey, look, I think I see him! Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert.
Come on, Jay! You can do it! You can do it! Yay, dad! I'm so proud of you.
Bravo, son.
Bravo.
I did it! I made it! I'm a man.
I don't need this runner's bra anymore.
Now don't stop moving, or you'll cramp up.
Huh? Ow.
Dad, watching you run that marathon was the proudest 2-and-a-half days of my life.
Thanks, son.
When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you.
Thanks, son.
Now, could you roll me over? I think I maybe lying on top of a dead cat.
No, he's fine.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
This show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Shh!
Uh, hello, Mr.
sherman, this is the fire department.
Your building is on fire.
We would have called sooner, but your neighbors asked us not to wake you.
It stinks.
Hello and welcome to coming attractions.
Tonight we'll be reviewing Tony Curtis in the bad news mets.
All right.
Which one of you threw that firecracker at the little girl? You're off the team.
All right, I'm making a lineup.
Who's gotta go to court today? You're off the team.
Now, who impregnated my daughter? Oh, marvelous.
Feh! But first, it's time for a segment I call "when films didn't stink so much.
" Tonight we'll pay tribute to silent film comedian, Silas b.
Manchester.
Here's a clip from his film, hold the mustard gas.
Silas began his career at age 3, when he starred with his family in the vaudeville production, life at our house.
As a young man, Silas made the transition to films with his classic character, "the dirty immigrant.
" Unfortunately, like many stars of the silent screen, Silas could not make the transition to color.
I was honored to be granted an audience with this comedic genius at his Burbank home.
You want some pringles? Looks like a can of tennis balls, but it's really potato chips.
Mmm.
Well, it must bring you much happiness to know millions of people still laugh at your incredible stunts.
I live every moment of every day Please help me restore the films of Silas b.
Manchester.
They were shot with ultra-flammable nitrate film stock, which, for some reason, was then soaked in kerosene.
That's our show.
Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing will work for food.
The hot new comedy based on the popular son.
Oh, my God! Fire! Help! Oh, dear.
I got to go back.
Mmm.
Chocolate.
I can't die like this.
I have holes in my little mermaid underwear.
Help! What a wimp! I don't know why I hired him.
You were whacked-out on painkillers for your back.
Oh, yeah.
That was the same week I bought those pandas.
Hong-ping, don't eat daddy's Picasso.
This is it, I'm gonna die! I'll see you in hell, justine Bateman! Coming up next, the crispy critic.
Man, you got it all.
Handsome as beavis, funny as butthead.
Mmm, smoke.
It looks like hell, but it smells like heaven.
Doris, help.
What did you ever do for me? I saved you from a burning building when you were overcome by smoke.
I don't see how that's relevant.
Ouch! Ow! Ow! Just let me know if you're suffering any brain damage.
Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me.
You're fine.
Would you like to sell your story to fox, to be made as a t.
V.
Movie? At a.
B.
C.
, we can get you Brian dennehy.
To do what? Make coffee, run errands, you name it.
As a result of this isolated fire, looting has broken out in midtown Manhattan, the Bronx, and Los Angeles.
You must be very appreciative of this woman.
She's like the proverbial mother who lifted the volkswagen off her child.
Except you are the volkswagen, and the child is the child in all of us.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
I was hired for my looks.
But one thing is certain, you disgust me.
A grown man like you needing a withery old bat like her to save him.
Amen, brother.
You, sir, are the biggest wuss on the island of Manhattan.
Oh, yeah? What about the guy in m.
Butterfly? You heard me.
I'm so ashamed.
I've embarrassed myself in front of the whole world.
Don't worry, dad.
I'm sure it'll blow over soon.
Tonight's regularly scheduled program, cops goes to Shannon Doherty's house will not be seen so we can bring you the following fox original movie, the cowering inferno: The Jay sherman story.
Starring Jessica tandy as the courageous Doris and sumo wrestler toru sakai as the cowardly film critic.
Help! Help! I've got to go potty.
Did you really say that, dad? I may have screamed the word potty, but they took it way out of context.
Son, I've never been so ashamed.
Boo! Jerk! Ignore them, Mr.
sherman.
Vlada is still your friend.
Thanks, man.
Serve him the tainted clams.
I never felt so wimpy in my whole life.
How come you never question your manhood? I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun.
I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world.
But that's in the movies, that's not reality.
They're not all movies.
One was an episode of the commish.
Well, I'm going to change.
From now on, I want to be a macho, macho man.
Can I freshen your Tommy tune? No.
But give me a Harvey fierstein.
- Hold the meringue.
- It goes straight to my thighs.
Got to be macho.
Got to be macho.
Got to be macho? It's wonderful! I am Rambo! Mommy, why did you abandon me? Father, why did you have to leave me? Daddy! Daddy! Keep it down, son.
I'm trying to get it to rain Harvey's Bristol cream.
This'll turn my image around.
Because nothing turns on the chicks like a human fly, or was it Spanish fly? Yo, fly, give me your wallet.
Help me.
That's it! I'm gonna run in the New York marathon.
That's the only way to regain my dignity.
Hmm.
It seems to be hailing.
Well, a real man likes a little hail in his face.
Ah! Johnny, don't empty the cat box out the window.
May I help you? I'd like to run in the marathon.
Everyone taking part in the Elvis relay team is supposed to sign up over there.
I am not an Elvis impersonator.
His films were a disgrace to the cinema.
I thought he was sexy.
that's heartbreak hotel well, I'm a I been so lonely, baby well, I'm so lonely I been so lonely I could die oh, Elvis! Thank you very much.
Now, why on earth would you want to run in a marathon? To prove I'm a man.
Rosalie, you changed his diapers, tell him he's a man.
Yes, he's a man In the way miniature golf is still golf.
Look, mom, I've got to do this.
All my life, I've felt physically inept.
We'll take Marshall flex.
We'll take Marshall's little sister.
Huh? Huh? Huh? We'll take myrna, the lunch lady.
And we'll take Phil, the undercover narc.
I'm going in the game.
You know who should train you, your father.
I was quite an athlete in my day.
Just look at this.
Oh, whoopsy.
Now, you run to that lighthouse and back and I will time you.
We found him lying by the side of the ocean.
We're doing our darnedest to keep him moist.
My son is not a whale.
Oh, whatever he is, he just ate a bucket of chum.
Now, shackleford, you hold Jay's feet while he does sit-ups.
Eee? Sir, isn't this the day I usually give enemas to the horses? Please say it is.
What does this exercise do? Makes me laugh.
I'm going to drive the car down the road.
When you reach me, we'll be done for the day.
Dad? Dad, where are you? Hello.
This is the new lean, mean, Jay sherman.
If you don't believe me, check this out.
I can't hold a pencil under my breast anymore.
Our first film tonight is an exciting new biopic, ike Turner: I, story.
Tina, I love you.
But if you need to go solo to satisfy yourself artistically, I understand.
I more than understand.
I respect you for it.
You were the greatest lover who ever walked the planet.
I'll always love you, ike.
My work is done here.
Now Rick James and I are gonna go found the national organization for women.
I hear you're running in the marathon, son.
We'll pay all your expenses if you run in this shirt.
Hmm? Huh? I'm not wearing that.
You're not doing this for me, you're doing it for Webster, a sassy little orphan boy who was taken in by a brutish white couple but still spreads joy, weekdays at 5:00, 6:00, and 7:00.
Do you believe any of what you just said? Jay, you got to help me.
I thought I was buying diff'rent strokes.
Doris, I know I'm not gonna win the marathon, but I just want to finish.
You'll do fine.
Just remember this poem.
"Never quit, though your heart may pound "and you're short of breath, for quitting, my friend, is a fate worse than death.
" That's great.
I read it in smoker's digest.
Hello, vlada.
Tonight I'm on a diet.
Tell vlada junior, no Harvard.
In fact, I may just have coffee.
Pull the plug on mama.
Dad, I want to thank you for all the help you gave me.
Jay, I may seem like a silly old man to you, but I think you've got the heart of a champion.
Gee, thanks.
Just remember, when the judges are watching, don't sniff the other dogs' behinds.
There will be time for that later.
Hello, I'm Bob costas and this is the moment we've all been waiting for, the start of the 1994 New York marathon.
That wasn't the starting gun.
That was just some stray gunfire that hit the b.
F.
Skidmark blimp.
Can we get a shot from the blimp? And they're off.
First gear.
Vroom! Vroom! 2nd gear.
Vroom! Vroom! Turn on the nitro boosters! Vroom! Morbidly obese film critic Jay sherman has taken the lead.
Do you believe in miracles? Welcome back to our coverage of the New York marathon, brought to you by bloat beer.
After you've raced, go out and get faced.
Now it's time to get inside the jock with some of the more courageous athletes who compete in the race, like New York's own governor, Mario cuomo.
After deep soul-searching, I have decided to run.
I have decided not to run.
Please, Mario, we want you to run! The people have spoken.
I am running.
Uh, maybe next year.
Then there's Charlie Phillips, who's running the entire marathon with a live ferret in his pants.
It's not by choice.
Hello, mate.
You realize I can walk as fast as you can run? Even on my hands, I'm faster than you.
Look, maybe if we talk about something else, it will keep my mind off the race.
Good idea.
Yesterday I got a call from my agent.
They want me to star in rubik's cube, the movie.
Now, in the film, I'm given this puzzle.
If I don't solve it in one hour, a planeload of supermodels will die.
Ok, that's enough.
Now, the problem is, I'm color-blind, but my partner isn't.
Now, here's the hook.
My partner is a dog.
Please, this isn't working.
You know who they're gonna get to play the voice of the dog? Roger Clinton! Could you move a little to your right? All right, but Thank you.
I'll show you all.
The tortoise shall beat the hare.
That's it.
I can't go on.
I'm just not a man.
What kind of future do I have? And now the k.
D.
Lounge is proud to present the voluptuous Jay sherman! I wanna be loved by you just you hee! Yo! Wow! He's the best Barbara bush I've ever seen.
I swore I was going to finish this race, and that's what I'm going to do.
Boo-boop-bee-doo look.
Here he comes.
No.
That's the gentleman with the ferret in his pants.
Hey, they laughed at Christopher Columbus.
No, they didn't.
Well, they would have, if he'd had a ferret in his pants.
I'm getting a runner's high.
I've heard about this.
That's when you break through the pain and the world becomes a beautiful place.
the lullaby of Broadway the lullaby of Broadway 3-card monte! Is this the red card? They're all red! Here's your money! the rattle of the taxis at angelo's and maxie's Where to, mister? Harlem.
Hop in.
The meter's broken, so you ride free.
the lullaby of Broadway oh, yeah Lewd nudes.
They're fat, they're ugly, they smell like garbage, but they're nude.
Got to give me that.
Oh.
Oh, my God, the finish line! I can't believe it.
I'm actually going to go the distance! From the stench, it's obvious he's been dead for several hours.
The deceased appears to be about 70 years old.
I've been declared dead by better coroners than you.
We interrupt a.
B.
C.
'S who cares? It's Thursday lineup for this special bulletin.
Jay sherman, around the block in 80 days.
We're still waiting for runner Jay sherman to finish the New York marathon 17 hours after it started.
Which is ironic, because to walk the route only takes 13 hours.
In fact, this 78-year-old man just completed the race while pulling a bus with his teeth.
I did this to show that instead of putting old people into nursing homes, you could turn us into slaves and pack animals.
Oh, nuts! Whoo-hoo! Sherman's gone! Let's release that unwatchable Steve guttenberg movie, quick.
Uh, which one? Jay, are you all right? Jeremy! I'm so glad to see you.
I've been thinking about that wonderful rubik's cube movie.
So, what happens? Do the supermodels die? It would be so sad if they did.
Jay, you look like you need help.
Fortunately, I've got a nurse with me.
I'm not a nurse, I'm a stewardess.
Oh, well, Jay, it looks like you could use a kosher meal.
A little kugel maybe you have? Hey, look, I think I see him! Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Albert.
Come on, Jay! You can do it! You can do it! Yay, dad! I'm so proud of you.
Bravo, son.
Bravo.
I did it! I made it! I'm a man.
I don't need this runner's bra anymore.
Now don't stop moving, or you'll cramp up.
Huh? Ow.
Dad, watching you run that marathon was the proudest 2-and-a-half days of my life.
Thanks, son.
When I grow up, I want to be a man just like you.
Thanks, son.
Now, could you roll me over? I think I maybe lying on top of a dead cat.
No, he's fine.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
This show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Shh!