The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e08 Episode Script

Basketball is war.
To lose is to die.
And last Saturday,
we got killed.
I am ashamed to be your coach.
Should we turn in
our uniforms?
Should we just give up?
Should we admit we're losers?
Or should we stop
the lollygagging
and start playing
some basketball?
Now listen up, ladies..
I'm not doing this
for my health.
I don't do anything
for my health.
I'm not doing this 'cause the
shorts make me look good.
I got better shorts,
shorts you'll never see.
No, I am doing this for the
Winfred-Lauder department store.
And if I'm gonna
volunteer my time
I wanna see some effort.
I wanna see sweat!
I wanna see blood!
I wanna see someone get hurt!
Do you understand me?!
(girls)
Yeah.
[scoffs]
I can't hear you!
(girls)
Yes, Mr. Carey, sir!
That's better.
Now, I'd like you
all to say hello
to your new assistant coach
Miss Kate O'Brien.
(girls)
Hello, Miss O'Brien, sir!
Call me Kate. Hi.
I used to play basketball
and I used to be ten years old
so feel free to ask me
about anything
and don't pay
attention to Drew.
He's just
a big ol' teddy bear.
Kate, don't rub my stomach.
When we're
in a business meeting
do I come up to you
and honk your breasts?
Listen up, ladies
some of you got
a little winded last game.
So, uh, we're gonna start
this practice off with ten laps.
[girls groaning]
No.
- Yes, Patricia.
- I can't run today.
I just got my ears pierced
and they hurt.
[mimicking]
I can't run today.
I just got my ears pierced
and they hurt.
Fine, if it hurts that bad,
why don't you just grab
your little dolly and go home?
- Yes!
- Freeze!
Oh, so now you can run.
Get back there.
You can all take Patricia here
for five more laps.
[blows whistle]
Okay and then ice-cream
at my place
and then I've got
home movies of Drew
singing a lead
in "Pirates Of Penzance."
Don't baby 'em, Kate.
That'll be thanking me
next Friday
when they're fighting
the enemy.
Drew, we're playing
Chuck E. Cheese.
Yeah, well, we let
our guard down for baby Gap
we all know
what happened there.
We're gonna win
this game with ease! ♪
We're gonna win
this game with ease! ♪
We're gonna kick
some Chuck E. Cheese ♪
We're gonna kick
some Chuck E. Cheese ♪♪
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Got her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath your
silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Drew, is it ready yet?
Yeah, come on, man.
The Browns game is almost on.
Hey, I've never made
my mom's beer chili before
and I wanna make sure
I get this right.
Now, it's time for the secret
ingredient, turn your heads.
[scoffs]
Gee, Drew, sounds like
you just poured your beer in.
[knocking at door]
Coming.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
You remember my sister Janet.
- Hi. Heh-he-he.
- Hey.
- Hey. How are you?
- Hey!
Hey, look,
she brought us a kid.
This is gonna look
great in the backyard.
Uh, no, no.
This is my daughter Monica.
Whoa. Someone we know
reproduced.
So, uh, Janet, what are you
doing back in town?
Well, Monica has never
seen snow. So I decided to
pack up all our things
and move back to Cleveland.
Hey, you know, a lot of people
come to Cleveland for the snow
but it's the slush
that keeps them here.
Oh, it's not the only reason.
The insurance company
she works for
is payin' her big bucks
to relocate.
Yeah, the last statistician
ran off and left his wife
and their two point five kids
Billy, Amy and Joh.
Well, you sure look a lot better
than when you were doin' when
you were fifteen.
Well, things have changed
since high school.
Not for me. I still look like my
high school yearbook picture.
Well, at least, you got rid
of those dorky glasses.
You mean his birth-control
glasses?
Don't knock 'em.
They worked.
[laughs]
God, it's good
to see you again.
I really missed you.
So, Monica..
ready for some
of the infamous
'Carey all-meat beer chili?'
It's got beef, chicken, pork
and all the roadkill
we could carry.
I'm a vegetarian.
So were all the animals
we killed to put in here.
I've seen videos
where they shoot cows
in the head with bolt guns.
Sometimes they miss
and they have to keep
shooting until the cow dies.
It's reallygood!
Hey, Monica,
you play basketball?
I don't really like sports.
You don't like sports
and you don't eat meat?
Why do you get up
in the morning?
You know what?
Maybe you don't like sports
because you've never been on a
team coached my me and Drew.
Yeah, Monica,
all the girls love it.
It's real laid-back, you know.
It's just-it's just about fun.
I think it's a great idea,
Monica.
Man, when I was a kid,
I was really into sports.
Yeah, she won all the trophies
at the summer camp.
(Kate)
'Summer camp,
I forgot about that.'
You guys were really hot
and heavy that whole summer.
Yeah, she was hot
and he was heavy.
Game's on.
Oh, why don't you girls
grab a bunch of napkins
and, uh, me and the guys
will bring the chili in?
Why'd you guys
break up, anyway?
Oh, she dumped me
for a guy with the bigger canoe.
So, uh, Janet's looking
pretty good.
- Yeah.
- Has a nice kid.
Yeah, I like her.
So, uh, she seeing anybody?
Drew, she's ten years old.
- I was talkin' about Janet.
- Oh.
Well, actually, I'm kinda
worried about Janet, you know.
It's been a couple of years
since the divorce.
I don't want her to turn
into some kooky old lady
who takes in stray animals
and sleeps on a bed of
rotting newspaper.
- And how is your mom?
- She's good, thanks.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Mimi, just give me my
messages and lay in the insults.
I'm busy, Drew, there is just
this lengthy contract
from the temp agency,
I'll take care of it.
- Oh, alright. Thanks.
- Have a nice day.
What did you say?
You didn't let me finish,
I was gonna say
"Have a nice day,
I hope you swallow your tongue."
No, you weren't.
You were being pleasant.
And that's where you went wrong.
Give me that envelope.
"Dear, Mr. Carey,
we appreciate your business.."
Blah-blah-blah..
"On the occasion of hiring
your 100th temp from us
"please accept these tickets
for yourself and two guests
"to the Rolling Stones
benefit concert
at the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame."
Argh!
You're getting stronger.
I can feel it.
Someday we may be equals.
Until then..
[tapping]
Drew, you were supposed to meet
us for lunch in the lobby.
Lewis is still out there.
Wait. I have something
in this envelope
that's gonna make you guys
fall in love with me
all over again.
Who is free Saturday night
to go see the Rolling Stones?
- Oh.
- Oh, no thanks.
I'm not that big of a fan.
But, Kate,
it's-it's the Rolling Stones.
Well, name one song
off their last album.
But it's theRolling Stones!
Hey, I got a DJ job,
but I may get off early.
- Oh, yeah, how early?
- Well, you never know.
It's just
a senior citizen's dance.
You play records
until someone falls.
Wait a second.
Why don't you ask Janet?
Oh, she'll never go out
with me, you know.
She's a senior
and I'm a junior.
Come on,
you know you want to.
You've always
had a crush on her.
And it's a good time.
You're not seeing anyone.
Please, I'm already using
that excuse for not exercising.
Come on, Drew. She's just
getting over her divorce.
She probably wants
to ease back into things
with a nice stable guy.
Yeah, when you're just
getting back on the horse
you don't want your first race
to be the Kentucky Derby.
- Yeah.
- What am I, the petting zoo?
You know, Drew,
it wouldn't hurtyou
to get back
in the saddle, too.
I mean, the only other
person out there is Lisa
and you can't see her.
Maybe I'm saving
myself for it.
And this Lisa that you like
but you don't actually see
can other people see her?
[whispers]
Is she here now?
Shut up.
I can't see her
because she works for me.
Well, then there's no reason
that you shouldn't
go out with Janet.
She's coming off a bad divorce.
It's a perfect time.
(Kate)
She doesn't know a lot of
people anymore in Cleveland.
Her kid needs a dad.
She's limping, Drew. You can
separate her from the herd.
Well, Kate talked me into it.
But if she rejects me..
Who rejects you?
Your sister.
He's gonna ask her out.
No way.
Why not?
Because you're my best friend.
You can't date my sister.
How would you like it
if I dated your mom?
- Ewhh!
- 'Hey!'
Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Lewis, there's nothing wrong
with Drew dating your sister.
Drew, I think
it's a wonderful idea.
Yeah.
But what if it doesn't work out?
If she dumps you,
it could be really awkward.
If you dump her, there will be
nobody to comfort her
'cause everyone will be too busy
trying to catch the monkeys
that are flying out of my butt.
Lewis, it's just a harmless
little date.
Th-there's nothing
to get excited about.
Fine. Ask her out.
Fall in Love. Get married.
Have a sunset ceremony.
I see pastels,
maybe a giant turtle.
It'll be just one big
Drew and Janet party
and I'll be
the mayor of Loveland.
Oh, God. I hope that
doesn't run in the family.
[instrumental music]
Thanks for a great night, Drew!
Yeah, at first,
I thought it'd be a problem
sitting next to that big speaker
but it turned out okay.
Yeah.
I think your smoke alarm's
going off.
- No, I think it's us.
- Oh.
You know, Monica's gonna be
really upset
that she fell asleep and didn't
get to say goodnight to you.
Yeah, well, you know.
I'll see her around.
Yeah.
Well, goodnight.
Night.
[patting on back]
- See ya.
- Yeah.
[door opens]
[door closes]
What are you doing here?
Uh, k-keeping an eye
on the table.
Stay.
Stay.
Well, it's killing me.
How'd the date go?
Well, we had really great seats.
You could almost see
the Angel of Deaths
right behind Keith Richards.
Not the concert, the date.
Yeah, rotten.
She was really into numbers
and statistics and pretty much
bored me 72% of the time.
- Oh.
- But, Monica had a good time.
I mean, I showed her around
the Rock and Roll hall of fame
and, uh, I even showed her
how somebody could choke
on her own vomit.
You think these rock stars would
know the right way to throw up.
They date models.
Anyway, I think Monica
and I really hit it off.
I mean, I think she's gonna
join the basketball team
and I'm gonna take her
to the mall next weekend.
- We're gonna count fat people.
- Oh.
I'm sorry
it didn't work out, Drew.
You had such a big crush
on her.
Yeah, the real shame is
now I'll never get to see
those monkeys
flying out of Lewis' butt.
[instrumental music]
Good afternoon, Lisa.
Good afternoon, Drew.
Uh, I need those requisition
forms this afternoon.
Sure, I'll have them
on your desk by 5:00.
I cheated on you.
You mean, there's someone else
you're not having
a relationship with?
Who isn't she?
Well, she's not you.
I, uh, I had a dream
about you last night.
I had a dream aboutyou
last night.
You were on fire and I
put you out with a big hose.
Then you turned into my mother
and my hands fell off.
I don't know what it means.
It means you shouldn't repeat
your dreams to anybody.
Ever.
Uh, I'll need those forms
in triplicate.
That's not a problem.
You know, this is crazy.
We steal these
little moments together
just to torture ourselves about
this relationship we can't have.
- Same time tomorrow?
- You bet.
UhI'll be, uh,
I'll be dreamin' about you.
I will be dreamin'
about you, too.
I'm not wearin'
any underwear.
You're gonna have to work
on this, Drew.
Yeah.
Surprise!
Holy crap-I mean..
Hi, what're you doing?
Well, we thought it would
be a nice second date
if we bought you lunch at work.
Oh, this is so
embarrassing, you know.
I already had a picnic
for breakfast.
You know, Drew, everything just
clicked last night.
Maybe it was fate that brought
me back from California.
(Janet)
But it's just so weird.
I haven't thought about you
in years and now I can't stop
thinkin' about you.
Are you sure?
Have you really tried?
Oh, you're not getting
rid of us that easy.
Look, uh, maybe this
is the kind of thing
we should keep to ourselves.
I mean, not between us.
I mean, you keep it to yourself
I keep it to myself.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
Tuna salad or chicken salad?
[sighs]
Oh, this looks good.
Hey, look!
It's the Power Rangers.
[thuds]
Mm. Oh.
That was tasty.
Alright, get out of here.
Nothing more to see.
Show's over, let's go.
[harmonica music]
Hit it!
It may not be spring ♪
It may not be fall ♪
It doesn't matter
we're having a ball ♪
Do you know why ♪
No tell us why ♪
It's quite simple you see ♪
Like getting down
on one knee ♪
So say goodbye to boo-hoo ♪
And hello
to our new friend ♪
Drew ♪♪
[applause]
[laughing]
Isn't she cute?
(Mimi)
One more time!
[instrumental music]
Are you sure chili
is good after five days?
Mine taste kinda
tangiermetallic.
It's kinda bubbly.
Heh. I think you've created
some sort of chili liquor.
Could you guys just help me
with my problem here?
I gotta find a way
to tell Lewis' sister
I'm not interested.
I don't wanna hurt
her feelings or his.
Hey, it was just a first date.
Why don't you wait till
the second or third?
The third date will have
an opening act.
Come on, what's
the gentlest way either of you
ever broke up with somebody?
Oh, well, I'm-I'm really
not that good at it.
There are 43 guys
who still think
I'm going out with them.
You know, I don't get it.
What is it about me that
she finds so overwhelming?
I mean, it's not power,
it's not money
it's not looks.
You've got something better
than those things, Drew.
Oh, yeah, what?
- You know.
- No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
No, I don't.
Tell me.
Well, shut up and let me
think of something.
[knocking on door]
- Hey.
- Hey!
Look, it's Janet's brother
Lewis.
You remember
good old reasonable Lewis?
What you doin'?
Oh, just eatin' chili.
You want some?
- I've got lots of leftovers.
- Uh, no more chili, Drew.
I haven't had a bowel movement
for four days.
Until that that happens,
I feel I'm a threat
to those around me.
I guess I was wrong
about you and Janet.
I hear you two
really hit it off.
Lewis, buddy, I don't know
how to break this to you but--
What are you talkin' about?
She's got this whole
relationship built up
in her head
that doesn't even exist.
[scoffs]
I don't think so, Drew.
I think you must have said
something to her to lead her on.
Yeah, I think I said
something to lead her on.
I think it wasgesundheit.
Lewis, there's absolutely
nothing going on between us.
- Nothing.
- Yeah, right.
Just like that summer
you made out with her.
That was 20 years ago.
We were playing spin the bottle.
The bottle came between her and
some girl we called "One lip."
Guys, guys, don't fight.
It's nobody's fault.
This is insane. I mean, look
what's happening here.
This is exactly
what I didn't want.
Because of my sister,
I'm arguing
with my best friend Drew Carey.
- Come here, Drew.
- No.
- Drew, come here.
- No, I don't wanna.
- Come on, friend.
- No, I'm afraid.
[groans]
If you hurt my sister
they will never find
any piece of you.
Not even your glasses.
Remember, I'm a janitor.
I know how to
dispose of things.
Is that a threat?
You want me
to sing it to you?
[door slams]
Ah, he's just
a little excited.
I'll reason with him
at the wedding.
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
[blows whistle]
That was very good.
But, didn't we agree
that when you come up on the
right hand side of the basket
you'd use your right hand?
I can't use my right hand.
Today is backwards day
and my right hand
is my left hand.
Pretty cocky for someone under
50 pounds, aren't ya?
Alright, five push-ups.
This bites.
It's your fault,
you should listen to Drew.
You should shut up.
Hey, okay.
Hey, 15 push-ups.
Why should I have
to do 15 push-ups?
Wanna bet you
couldn't do one.
Shut up. I bet
he could do 50 push-ups.
Who is paying you
to kiss his butt?
Well, at least his butt
is prettier than your face!
[blows whistle]
Alright, that's it.
Everybody hit the showers.
Come on, let's go.
[laughing]
Drew, Drew.
Trust me,
you've ensured your place
in many future therapy sessions.
Try to relax,
would you, buddy?
You can go too now, Monica.
No, I think I should
run some laps.
I got a little winded
during our third hour
of practice yesterday.
Hey, coach.
Ooh, you look good in shorts.
Oh, hey. All I do
is step workout, you know.
Step to the refrigerator.
Step to the couch, repeat.
So, how's my Monica doing?
Oh, great, just uh, you know,
a little excitable, that's all.
Sometimes she gets
carried away.
- What'd she do?
- Oh, nothing specifically.
It's just that, you know,
she just got into a fist fight
defending my physical fitness.
That's not choosing
your battles too wisely.
Well, she likes you.
I like her, I love kids.
I-I'm great with them.
[snarls]
See you Monday.
You know, there are lot
of different ways
to approach a relationship.
Ninety nine percent
of the people
would choose a long,
slow courtship.
Let's take it slow,
let's get to know each other.
Then there's that one percent
that just cut through
all the crap and say,
"You wanna get married?"
- Janet.
- Yeah?
Look, this is really
hard to say
especially since I've never
been on this side
of the conversation before
buthere it goes.
You're a really nice guy
and it's not the haircut..
but I don't think
it's gonna work out.
I'm sorry.
It was the picnic,
wasn't it?
Well, it wasn't
just the picnic.
I mean, we-we hardly
even know each other.
I don't know
what to say, Drew.
I realize I was moving
kind of fast
and that there wasn't
a lot of chemistry between us
but, thought eventually
we would grow into each other.
My days of shooting
for the moon are over.
I mean, there's nothing wrong
withsettling.
You're taking this
really well.
It's too bad.
All the stats said that
you would've
been the perfect father.
- Really?
- Yeah. Very stable.
According to the charts
at our company
odds are you'd stay in your same
job for the next 15 years.
Really?
And you would never cheat on me
because you're destined
to have only one more
sexual partner.
Really?
And you'd be there
for Monica.
At least
until she finishes college.
- And then we get a divorce?
- Mm-mm.
Heart attack.
Alright.
Well, tell Monica I'll be
outside when she's finished.
[instrumental music]
So, I guess this qualifies
as our first dinner date.
Man, this is great.
Driving around,
beautiful night.
Stars are out.
Hey, you gonna eat
these fries that fell
in the bottom of the bag?
Here, let me feed them to you.
Oh. Watch your fingers.
Man, I'm glad we found a way
to work this out.
Yeah, how else are we gonna be
able to spend time together?
[groans]
I'm sorry.
I must have dozed off.
Oh, my God.
It's been two hours.
What kind of a carpool is this?
And why is there
a fry in my hair?
Oh, you know,
we got stuck in traffic.
And then, there was all
that construction.
Plus, you know,
the sobriety check point.
Drew got nervous
and said "I'm drunk."
Didn't help that you said
you were being held hostage
and your dead mother
was in the back seat.
Please, I know what's goin' on.
I've been doin'
Frank in footwear for years.
- Well, uh, this is me.
- Oh.
I'll, uh, I'll walk you
to the door.
Wait a minute,
I won't live long enough
for you to walk her
to the door.
Fine.
I guess, I, uh, I'll
try not to see you tomorrow.
Not unless I don't
see you first.
- Bye.
- See you tomorrow.
So, you wanna get home
in a hurry?
Hang on to your teeth.
[tires screeching]