The Exes (2011) s01e08 Episode Script
My Dinner With Phil
Hey, Haskell.
What are you up to? I'm taking online traffic school.
Oh, I didn't even know you had a car.
I don't even drive.
I'm taking it for Ida Rothstein, a lead-footed, 80-year-old, legally blind grandmother.
Just as a favor? That doesn't sound right.
I agree.
That's why I'm charging her 200 bucks.
Turns out, there are tons of lousy drivers who are just too lazy to take their own test.
But the goal of Lutz traffic academy is to put these menaces back on the road.
Hey, man, do you know what kind of business he's into? Yeah, Lutz traffic academy.
Their motto is "no eyesight, no problem.
" I was gonna put it on billboards, but really Who would see them? Hey.
Good morning, guys.
Oh hey, Holly.
You excited about tonight? Are you kidding? I can't wait.
Yeah? Yeah? Renauro's, my favorite restaurant, is closing, and Holly's coming with me for one final meal.
Yeah, it's where my ex-wife and I celebrated birthdays, anniversaries ah, so many memories.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, spoiler alert.
I'm bringing my scrapbook.
- Ooh! - [Laughs.]
Spoiler alert.
Your night's gonna suck! Not as bad as yours is 'cause you're the one who's going.
- What? - Yeah, I gotta work late.
A big case came up, so you gotta go.
Oh, no.
Forget about it.
Listen, Phil, that place is an emotional minefield for him.
Forget it.
I'm not going! Phil, I know deep inside there's a better Phil.
A Phil who cares.
He doesn't wanna go either.
How about the Phil who owes me two months' rent? How does he feel about it? Oh, that.
Aw.
Listen, baby oh, boy.
You really don't have that money, do you? Well, you know how much I'm paying in alimony.
It's killing me.
It's like I'm I'm paying for a car I'm not driving anymore.
All right, Phil.
Listen, you do this for me, and I'll knock off both months.
I'm going to Renauro's! [Upbeat music.]
Dee do Dee do Dee do Dee do do do do Dee Holly, your brief regarding declaration of income and expenses is a thing of beauty.
Oh, thank you.
I'm particularly proud of section two, subparagraph three, where I specifically requested both corporate and personal assets.
Boo-ya! [Phone rings.]
Excuse me.
I've got to take this in my office.
Wow, is he into you.
Who, Paul? I thought he was going to take you right here on your desk.
[Chuckles.]
Eden, we were just discussing legal documents.
Yeah, and in a porno, the pool guy is just there to clean out the filter.
Come on, look at the way he pays you compliments and checks you out when you're not looking.
Get out.
He does? Big time.
What? Don't you find him attractive? Well, if you like the tall, intelligent type with piercing blue eyes and shoulders you can hang your dreams on.
Then what are you waiting for? It's not your first rodeo.
Go jump that bronco! Eden, this isn't a singles bar.
It's a law firm.
Besides, if you're wrong, I could end up like Christmas-party Brenda.
Senior partner track one minute, serving drinks at the track the next.
- This is nice, huh? - Mm.
- Cozy, comfortable.
- Yeah, a little too cozy.
Either scooch over or put a ring on it, man.
Why couldn't we sit at a bigger table? I don't know.
When Stuart's in the house, this is where he sits.
I'm a God here.
More bread, please? Must be new.
Mm.
Aw, Phil, you gotta taste this olive oil.
They import it from Umbria.
- I've had bread before, Stuart.
- Oh, not like this.
If you mean from another man's hands, then no, I haven't.
Oh, stop.
Phil? Kerry.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt whatever you've got going on here.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, yeah Th-th-there's nothing going on here.
No, we just live together.
Hi, I'm Stuart.
I'm I'm Phil's new roomie.
Oh, I'm Kerry.
I'm Phil's old roomie, also known as his ex-wife.
Hey, uh, Kerry, what are you doing here? I'm just taking a friend to dinner.
In fact, I should probably get back to her.
Nice seeing you, Phil.
Yeah, see you around.
- Yeah.
[Laughs nervously.]
- Okay.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
- Mm.
- She is beautiful! [Scoffs.]
Good luck following that.
You know, Phil, I'm proud of you.
You were very civil, considering how upset you've been about all the alimony you're paying.
Oh, you know, what you gonna do? There's a time in life where you just you just gotta let it go.
[Cork pops.]
Is she drinking champagne? I mean, I'm behind on rent because of alimony, and she's drinking champagne? Phil, don't let it bother you.
Know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right.
That lobster better not be going where I think it's going.
Oh, hell no! Where are you going? Hell no! I'm going to visit my money.
Phil! Everything okay? Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
I was just admiring your expensive taste.
Look at that.
You got lobster, you got some champagne, and you got caviar! [Chuckles.]
You know, I was looking at the menu earlier, and I was wondering, "who can afford to pay for caviar?" And now I know.
Me! Phil, not the time, not the place.
You wanna know what I had for dinner last night? I had the divorced guy's lobster.
Yeah.
Fish sticks.
- Phil, come back to the table.
- Oh, I'm coming.
But I'm not coming alone.
This guy's coming with me.
Come on, red.
What's going on here? Oh, I'm just looking for a little lobster justice.
Sir, you're making a scene.
I'm going to have to - ask you to leave.
- Oh, Salvatore.
Don't worry.
I can vouch for him.
You get out too.
- Okay.
- No, no.
So are you feeling what I'm feeling? That depends.
What are you feeling? That this guy is clearly trying to run cash through a dummy corporation, and we've got him dead to rights.
That is exactly what I was feeling! And you know what I'm thinking we should do next? I have some ideas, but I'd rather hear yours first.
Well, I say we move to toss the prenup and go after his house in Aspen.
It's like you're reading my mind.
I have a copy of the prenup in my briefcase.
[Mouthing.]
- Y-you okay? - Ah.
It's a it's a weird face cramp.
It happens when I work late.
It's it's actually 'cause you're sitting in those uncomfortable chairs.
You guys should just move on over to the couch.
Oh, also known as a love seat.
Well, you know what? We've been working pretty hard.
What do you say we pick this up here tomorrow night? - Okay.
- Here? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's, uh That's actually that's not gonna work.
The building is closed.
You know what, though? Oh, my you should just work at Holly's! Why is the building closed? - Why? - Yeah.
It's because they're, uh, cleaning the Carpets.
Maintenance sent a memo.
I didn't get a maintenance memo.
Me neither.
That's because I'm the only one who actually sees the memos because I am the floor Captain.
Anyway, um, Holly's place is great.
It's close, it's cozy, it's got a bedroom.
It's a one-bedroom.
Look, Paul, we don't have to go to my pl - sounds good to me.
- Oh, well, great.
- Yeah, it's a date.
- All right! - All right.
- See you then.
- See ya.
- Buh-bye.
"Holly's place has a bedroom"? That was subtle.
Oh, you can't afford to be subtle.
The last guy in your bedroom was installing your cable.
And unlike in the porno, he was actually installing your cable.
Stuart, I'm sorry.
I just got a little carried away tonight.
It's okay, Phil.
I don't blame you.
- Really? - No, I blame you entirely! [Knock at door.]
Kerry! Who the hell do you think you are, embarrassing me in public? If you've got a problem with the alimony, talk to your lawyer.
Otherwise, what I do with my money is my business.
Don't you ever ambush me like that again! You have every right to be angry with me.
But I forget how hot you look when you are.
Don't you try to change the subject! I'm not trying to change the subject.
Yes, you are! You always try to use sex to weasel out of arguments.
But it is not gonna work this time.
You sure? No.
Mm.
[Grunts.]
[Laughter.]
- W-w-wait, Phil, I gotta tell you something.
Go on, baby, tell me what you gotta tell me! You're getting married? Tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow? Oh, okay.
Well Who's the guy you're marrying? His name is Dr.
Theodore Edwards.
Dr.
Ted? The TV shrink? Marital therapist.
We're getting married in his park avenue apartment tomorrow night.
Okay, well I guess congratulations is in order.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, Kerry! Have a nice life.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thank you.
[Door closes.]
What's going on? Was that Kerry? Yeah.
She just told me she's getting married tomorrow.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? - Mm.
Is he all right? Is he all right? He's more than all right! He's the luckiest son of a bitch in the apartment! What are you talking about? Don't you get it, you rube? When your ex-wife marries, you stop paying alimony.
- Mm-hmm.
He's right.
The minute she says "I do," you don't.
Okay, let me get this straight.
I don't have to pay no more? I don't gotta pay no more? I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I thought the no alimony dance was an urban legend.
But, my God, it's real! Pow! I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more What's with the extra laptop? My traffic academy has expanded! Word is out! Irresponsible drivers know they have a friend in Lutz.
Oh, hey, guys.
Do you have, um, a bottle of wine that may or may not get opened and some candles that may or may not get lit? You have a date? I may or may not.
Well, that's one "may" closer than last weekend.
[Chuckles.]
Really, Haskell? You wanna go one-on-one over who has the worst social life? No, ma'am.
Here you go.
So how was the last night at Renauro's? Uh, not quite as expected.
Phil ran into his ex-wife, found out she's getting married tomorrow.
Kerry? Oh, my God.
How is he taking it? I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more pay no more He's strong.
He'll pull through.
All: you don't got to pay no more, yeah you don't got to pay no more, uh-huh, uh-huh you don't got to pay no more, that's right you don't got to pay no more, yeah [Laughter.]
I'm making that my ringtone.
- [Chuckles.]
- [British accent.]
Uh, Phillip.
I seem to have spooned my way through another tin of caviar.
Hit me.
Uh, excuse me.
More beluga for my buddy.
And the larger spoons, please.
Uh, this little thing is making my arm tired.
You know, I actually don't mind paying alimony.
I mean, it's only fair that we share equally in the communal assets that were accrued during the marriage.
You hear that? That's the sound of a party dying.
- [Laughs.]
- All right, so, Phil What are you gonna do with all the extra money, huh? Invest it? Oh, absolutely.
I'm gonna invest it in that motorcycle! Boop! Bought it.
[Laughter.]
You wanna know why? 'Cause I don't got to p That's Dr.
Ted, the guy Kerry's marrying.
- The TV shrink? - Yep.
He's the reason I don't gotta pay no more.
You know what I'ma do? I'm gonna go buy him a drink.
Excuse me.
Are you Dr.
Ted, the TV shrink? - Marital therapist.
- [Chuckles.]
- Can I help you? - You already have.
[Chuckles.]
Let me guess.
You, uh, you've seen my show, I changed your life.
You have no idea! I love you! Let me introduce myself to you.
I just WannaTalk - oh, I-I know.
It can be overwhelming meeting a celebrity, but I'm no different from you.
[Chuckles.]
Just a little bit more famous.
All right, here you go.
- Oh, no, you don't have to - No, no, it's okay.
Okay.
Best of luck to you.
Hurry up, Holly! Paul's gonna be here any second! I had such a hard time trying to figure out what to wear, but I think I picked out something that works both ways, okay? Co-worker.
Date.
Co-worker.
Date.
I think I just got the green light.
All right.
This is serious, though.
I mean, there's a lot at stake here.
I-I work with this guy.
He's impossible to read.
How will I even know if he's gonna make a move? Holly, it's very easy, okay? You guys are gonna start working, and suddenly, you know, the mood will just change, okay? He'll say it's warm, probably wanna take off his jacket, maybe make a move to the couch.
Next thing you know, bing bang boom.
And if you're lucky, boom again.
[Doorbell rings.]
You're on.
I can do this.
You can go.
[Clears throat.]
No, I can't.
Stay.
But how else will I know? Go.
But what if it's all in my head? Stay.
Hi, Holly.
Hi, Paul.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Go.
On my way to pick up my new bike! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about Kerry? Aren't you gonna tell her that her fiancé is cheating on her? Well, she'll find out eventually.
And when she does, who better to talk to her about her lying, cheating husband than Dr.
Ted, marital therapist? So you're gonna let her marry this jerk just so you can stop paying alimony? All I heard was, "blah blah blah, stop paying alimony.
" Come on, Phil.
Come on.
Don't you realize every time you start that motorcycle, all you're gonna be thinking is, "I put my selfish pleasure in front of Kerry's happiness"? You know, that had occurred to me, but then I put on this nice leather jacket.
Check me out.
I'm the black fonz! Phil.
[Sighs.]
Damn it! No! You can't! Wow.
Haskell, I didn't think you'd be able to move that fast if you were on fire! You can't do this! You're not the only one it affects.
We all had dreams of what we would do with your money.
I was gonna buy a beach hut in Honduras, marry a local woman named Esperanza, and together we would raise our little boy, Titino, who would make money dancing for the tourists.
Do you have a fever? So Mr.
Radnitz only incorporated to keep the marital assets away from his wife? Yep.
Kept them tucked away in a small bank account in the Cayman Islands under his mistress' name.
[Chuckles.]
Holly, I'm glad we're working together.
We make a good team.
How good? Good enough to deserve a little break.
You know, my my back is acting up.
Do you mind if we move to the couch? I think that could be arranged.
Is it just me, or is it a little warm in here? Oh, it's warm.
Uh, I'm gonna take my jacket off.
Oh, me too.
[Sighs.]
You know what might make us feel more comfortable is if I turn off a light.
Well, that's a good idea.
It's a little bright in here.
Yeah.
- Holly? - Yes? I've never felt this way before.
Me too.
- I'm burning up.
- Oh, me too.
- My heart is pounding.
- Oh, me too.
I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest! Me wha? [Chokes.]
Paul! Call 911! Aw, crap! Hold the elevator! [Panting.]
Thanks.
My wife just went into labor, and I gotta get her to the hospital.
It's our first.
Aww, congratulations! I'm going up to get married.
It's my second.
Wait! Hold the elevator! Kerry.
Phil, what are you doing here? Stopping you from making a huge mistake.
You can't marry Ted.
[Scoffs.]
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I can.
Phil, what are you doing? Yeah, Phil, what are you doing? [Cell phone rings.]
Look, Ted's not the right guy for you.
I'm sure it's very hard to see your ex get married, but, honey, you gotta let it go.
Dr.
Ted is cheating on you.
[Chuckles.]
Where is this coming from? You've never even met him.
Honey, just keep doing the breathing.
Are we close here? Yeah, let's go.
I saw him at the bar this afternoon kissing another woman.
Do you expect me to believe that? I got proof, okay? [Scoffs.]
A napkin with his autograph.
That's your proof? A napkin? That is a little weak.
Going up? Kerry, I know we've had our problems.
But I'm gonna always care about you, and I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Phil, that's very sweet, but you gotta give me something better than that.
Why should I believe you? Okay.
How much do I hate paying alimony? More than life itself.
Right.
So why would I be trying to stop you if it meant having to pay you for the rest of my life? Why would I do that? Because he's a cheating sleazebag? You got it.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
You're still going through with this? No, I'm going up there to kick his ass.
Yeah, kick his ass! Everyone's happy.
Let's go! - Thank you, Phil.
- Mm-hmm.
I owe you.
Nope.
I'm gonna owe you.
'Cause I'm gonna have to pay some more I'm gonna have to pay some more Phil, I can't believe you got Salvatore to open up Renauro's one last time.
Well, I kinda ruined your last meal here, so I wanted to make it right.
Did I mention you're paying? - Several times.
- Cool.
- Hey, you guys.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, Holly.
- What up? Um, hey, how's your friend doing? Oh, well, I just got back from the hospital.
The doctor said it was a mild heart attack, and he's gonna be fine.
Oh.
Did you find out if he was into you or not? Well, the surgeon said it could've been caused by arousal.
All: Oh! - Or blockage.
All: Aw.
- I'm going with arousal.
- Nice.
- [Chuckles.]
Anyway, let's eat.
Okay, well, what should we order? Well, considering this place has been closed for two days, let's say we steer clear of the scallops.
All: Mm.
What are you up to? I'm taking online traffic school.
Oh, I didn't even know you had a car.
I don't even drive.
I'm taking it for Ida Rothstein, a lead-footed, 80-year-old, legally blind grandmother.
Just as a favor? That doesn't sound right.
I agree.
That's why I'm charging her 200 bucks.
Turns out, there are tons of lousy drivers who are just too lazy to take their own test.
But the goal of Lutz traffic academy is to put these menaces back on the road.
Hey, man, do you know what kind of business he's into? Yeah, Lutz traffic academy.
Their motto is "no eyesight, no problem.
" I was gonna put it on billboards, but really Who would see them? Hey.
Good morning, guys.
Oh hey, Holly.
You excited about tonight? Are you kidding? I can't wait.
Yeah? Yeah? Renauro's, my favorite restaurant, is closing, and Holly's coming with me for one final meal.
Yeah, it's where my ex-wife and I celebrated birthdays, anniversaries ah, so many memories.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, spoiler alert.
I'm bringing my scrapbook.
- Ooh! - [Laughs.]
Spoiler alert.
Your night's gonna suck! Not as bad as yours is 'cause you're the one who's going.
- What? - Yeah, I gotta work late.
A big case came up, so you gotta go.
Oh, no.
Forget about it.
Listen, Phil, that place is an emotional minefield for him.
Forget it.
I'm not going! Phil, I know deep inside there's a better Phil.
A Phil who cares.
He doesn't wanna go either.
How about the Phil who owes me two months' rent? How does he feel about it? Oh, that.
Aw.
Listen, baby oh, boy.
You really don't have that money, do you? Well, you know how much I'm paying in alimony.
It's killing me.
It's like I'm I'm paying for a car I'm not driving anymore.
All right, Phil.
Listen, you do this for me, and I'll knock off both months.
I'm going to Renauro's! [Upbeat music.]
Dee do Dee do Dee do Dee do do do do Dee Holly, your brief regarding declaration of income and expenses is a thing of beauty.
Oh, thank you.
I'm particularly proud of section two, subparagraph three, where I specifically requested both corporate and personal assets.
Boo-ya! [Phone rings.]
Excuse me.
I've got to take this in my office.
Wow, is he into you.
Who, Paul? I thought he was going to take you right here on your desk.
[Chuckles.]
Eden, we were just discussing legal documents.
Yeah, and in a porno, the pool guy is just there to clean out the filter.
Come on, look at the way he pays you compliments and checks you out when you're not looking.
Get out.
He does? Big time.
What? Don't you find him attractive? Well, if you like the tall, intelligent type with piercing blue eyes and shoulders you can hang your dreams on.
Then what are you waiting for? It's not your first rodeo.
Go jump that bronco! Eden, this isn't a singles bar.
It's a law firm.
Besides, if you're wrong, I could end up like Christmas-party Brenda.
Senior partner track one minute, serving drinks at the track the next.
- This is nice, huh? - Mm.
- Cozy, comfortable.
- Yeah, a little too cozy.
Either scooch over or put a ring on it, man.
Why couldn't we sit at a bigger table? I don't know.
When Stuart's in the house, this is where he sits.
I'm a God here.
More bread, please? Must be new.
Mm.
Aw, Phil, you gotta taste this olive oil.
They import it from Umbria.
- I've had bread before, Stuart.
- Oh, not like this.
If you mean from another man's hands, then no, I haven't.
Oh, stop.
Phil? Kerry.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt whatever you've got going on here.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, yeah Th-th-there's nothing going on here.
No, we just live together.
Hi, I'm Stuart.
I'm I'm Phil's new roomie.
Oh, I'm Kerry.
I'm Phil's old roomie, also known as his ex-wife.
Hey, uh, Kerry, what are you doing here? I'm just taking a friend to dinner.
In fact, I should probably get back to her.
Nice seeing you, Phil.
Yeah, see you around.
- Yeah.
[Laughs nervously.]
- Okay.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
- Mm.
- She is beautiful! [Scoffs.]
Good luck following that.
You know, Phil, I'm proud of you.
You were very civil, considering how upset you've been about all the alimony you're paying.
Oh, you know, what you gonna do? There's a time in life where you just you just gotta let it go.
[Cork pops.]
Is she drinking champagne? I mean, I'm behind on rent because of alimony, and she's drinking champagne? Phil, don't let it bother you.
Know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right.
That lobster better not be going where I think it's going.
Oh, hell no! Where are you going? Hell no! I'm going to visit my money.
Phil! Everything okay? Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
I was just admiring your expensive taste.
Look at that.
You got lobster, you got some champagne, and you got caviar! [Chuckles.]
You know, I was looking at the menu earlier, and I was wondering, "who can afford to pay for caviar?" And now I know.
Me! Phil, not the time, not the place.
You wanna know what I had for dinner last night? I had the divorced guy's lobster.
Yeah.
Fish sticks.
- Phil, come back to the table.
- Oh, I'm coming.
But I'm not coming alone.
This guy's coming with me.
Come on, red.
What's going on here? Oh, I'm just looking for a little lobster justice.
Sir, you're making a scene.
I'm going to have to - ask you to leave.
- Oh, Salvatore.
Don't worry.
I can vouch for him.
You get out too.
- Okay.
- No, no.
So are you feeling what I'm feeling? That depends.
What are you feeling? That this guy is clearly trying to run cash through a dummy corporation, and we've got him dead to rights.
That is exactly what I was feeling! And you know what I'm thinking we should do next? I have some ideas, but I'd rather hear yours first.
Well, I say we move to toss the prenup and go after his house in Aspen.
It's like you're reading my mind.
I have a copy of the prenup in my briefcase.
[Mouthing.]
- Y-you okay? - Ah.
It's a it's a weird face cramp.
It happens when I work late.
It's it's actually 'cause you're sitting in those uncomfortable chairs.
You guys should just move on over to the couch.
Oh, also known as a love seat.
Well, you know what? We've been working pretty hard.
What do you say we pick this up here tomorrow night? - Okay.
- Here? - Yeah.
- Oh, that's, uh That's actually that's not gonna work.
The building is closed.
You know what, though? Oh, my you should just work at Holly's! Why is the building closed? - Why? - Yeah.
It's because they're, uh, cleaning the Carpets.
Maintenance sent a memo.
I didn't get a maintenance memo.
Me neither.
That's because I'm the only one who actually sees the memos because I am the floor Captain.
Anyway, um, Holly's place is great.
It's close, it's cozy, it's got a bedroom.
It's a one-bedroom.
Look, Paul, we don't have to go to my pl - sounds good to me.
- Oh, well, great.
- Yeah, it's a date.
- All right! - All right.
- See you then.
- See ya.
- Buh-bye.
"Holly's place has a bedroom"? That was subtle.
Oh, you can't afford to be subtle.
The last guy in your bedroom was installing your cable.
And unlike in the porno, he was actually installing your cable.
Stuart, I'm sorry.
I just got a little carried away tonight.
It's okay, Phil.
I don't blame you.
- Really? - No, I blame you entirely! [Knock at door.]
Kerry! Who the hell do you think you are, embarrassing me in public? If you've got a problem with the alimony, talk to your lawyer.
Otherwise, what I do with my money is my business.
Don't you ever ambush me like that again! You have every right to be angry with me.
But I forget how hot you look when you are.
Don't you try to change the subject! I'm not trying to change the subject.
Yes, you are! You always try to use sex to weasel out of arguments.
But it is not gonna work this time.
You sure? No.
Mm.
[Grunts.]
[Laughter.]
- W-w-wait, Phil, I gotta tell you something.
Go on, baby, tell me what you gotta tell me! You're getting married? Tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow? Oh, okay.
Well Who's the guy you're marrying? His name is Dr.
Theodore Edwards.
Dr.
Ted? The TV shrink? Marital therapist.
We're getting married in his park avenue apartment tomorrow night.
Okay, well I guess congratulations is in order.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, Kerry! Have a nice life.
- Yeah, you too.
- Thank you.
[Door closes.]
What's going on? Was that Kerry? Yeah.
She just told me she's getting married tomorrow.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? - Mm.
Is he all right? Is he all right? He's more than all right! He's the luckiest son of a bitch in the apartment! What are you talking about? Don't you get it, you rube? When your ex-wife marries, you stop paying alimony.
- Mm-hmm.
He's right.
The minute she says "I do," you don't.
Okay, let me get this straight.
I don't have to pay no more? I don't gotta pay no more? I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I thought the no alimony dance was an urban legend.
But, my God, it's real! Pow! I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more What's with the extra laptop? My traffic academy has expanded! Word is out! Irresponsible drivers know they have a friend in Lutz.
Oh, hey, guys.
Do you have, um, a bottle of wine that may or may not get opened and some candles that may or may not get lit? You have a date? I may or may not.
Well, that's one "may" closer than last weekend.
[Chuckles.]
Really, Haskell? You wanna go one-on-one over who has the worst social life? No, ma'am.
Here you go.
So how was the last night at Renauro's? Uh, not quite as expected.
Phil ran into his ex-wife, found out she's getting married tomorrow.
Kerry? Oh, my God.
How is he taking it? I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more I don't got to pay no more pay no more He's strong.
He'll pull through.
All: you don't got to pay no more, yeah you don't got to pay no more, uh-huh, uh-huh you don't got to pay no more, that's right you don't got to pay no more, yeah [Laughter.]
I'm making that my ringtone.
- [Chuckles.]
- [British accent.]
Uh, Phillip.
I seem to have spooned my way through another tin of caviar.
Hit me.
Uh, excuse me.
More beluga for my buddy.
And the larger spoons, please.
Uh, this little thing is making my arm tired.
You know, I actually don't mind paying alimony.
I mean, it's only fair that we share equally in the communal assets that were accrued during the marriage.
You hear that? That's the sound of a party dying.
- [Laughs.]
- All right, so, Phil What are you gonna do with all the extra money, huh? Invest it? Oh, absolutely.
I'm gonna invest it in that motorcycle! Boop! Bought it.
[Laughter.]
You wanna know why? 'Cause I don't got to p That's Dr.
Ted, the guy Kerry's marrying.
- The TV shrink? - Yep.
He's the reason I don't gotta pay no more.
You know what I'ma do? I'm gonna go buy him a drink.
Excuse me.
Are you Dr.
Ted, the TV shrink? - Marital therapist.
- [Chuckles.]
- Can I help you? - You already have.
[Chuckles.]
Let me guess.
You, uh, you've seen my show, I changed your life.
You have no idea! I love you! Let me introduce myself to you.
I just WannaTalk - oh, I-I know.
It can be overwhelming meeting a celebrity, but I'm no different from you.
[Chuckles.]
Just a little bit more famous.
All right, here you go.
- Oh, no, you don't have to - No, no, it's okay.
Okay.
Best of luck to you.
Hurry up, Holly! Paul's gonna be here any second! I had such a hard time trying to figure out what to wear, but I think I picked out something that works both ways, okay? Co-worker.
Date.
Co-worker.
Date.
I think I just got the green light.
All right.
This is serious, though.
I mean, there's a lot at stake here.
I-I work with this guy.
He's impossible to read.
How will I even know if he's gonna make a move? Holly, it's very easy, okay? You guys are gonna start working, and suddenly, you know, the mood will just change, okay? He'll say it's warm, probably wanna take off his jacket, maybe make a move to the couch.
Next thing you know, bing bang boom.
And if you're lucky, boom again.
[Doorbell rings.]
You're on.
I can do this.
You can go.
[Clears throat.]
No, I can't.
Stay.
But how else will I know? Go.
But what if it's all in my head? Stay.
Hi, Holly.
Hi, Paul.
Come on in.
Thanks.
Go.
On my way to pick up my new bike! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about Kerry? Aren't you gonna tell her that her fiancé is cheating on her? Well, she'll find out eventually.
And when she does, who better to talk to her about her lying, cheating husband than Dr.
Ted, marital therapist? So you're gonna let her marry this jerk just so you can stop paying alimony? All I heard was, "blah blah blah, stop paying alimony.
" Come on, Phil.
Come on.
Don't you realize every time you start that motorcycle, all you're gonna be thinking is, "I put my selfish pleasure in front of Kerry's happiness"? You know, that had occurred to me, but then I put on this nice leather jacket.
Check me out.
I'm the black fonz! Phil.
[Sighs.]
Damn it! No! You can't! Wow.
Haskell, I didn't think you'd be able to move that fast if you were on fire! You can't do this! You're not the only one it affects.
We all had dreams of what we would do with your money.
I was gonna buy a beach hut in Honduras, marry a local woman named Esperanza, and together we would raise our little boy, Titino, who would make money dancing for the tourists.
Do you have a fever? So Mr.
Radnitz only incorporated to keep the marital assets away from his wife? Yep.
Kept them tucked away in a small bank account in the Cayman Islands under his mistress' name.
[Chuckles.]
Holly, I'm glad we're working together.
We make a good team.
How good? Good enough to deserve a little break.
You know, my my back is acting up.
Do you mind if we move to the couch? I think that could be arranged.
Is it just me, or is it a little warm in here? Oh, it's warm.
Uh, I'm gonna take my jacket off.
Oh, me too.
[Sighs.]
You know what might make us feel more comfortable is if I turn off a light.
Well, that's a good idea.
It's a little bright in here.
Yeah.
- Holly? - Yes? I've never felt this way before.
Me too.
- I'm burning up.
- Oh, me too.
- My heart is pounding.
- Oh, me too.
I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest! Me wha? [Chokes.]
Paul! Call 911! Aw, crap! Hold the elevator! [Panting.]
Thanks.
My wife just went into labor, and I gotta get her to the hospital.
It's our first.
Aww, congratulations! I'm going up to get married.
It's my second.
Wait! Hold the elevator! Kerry.
Phil, what are you doing here? Stopping you from making a huge mistake.
You can't marry Ted.
[Scoffs.]
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course I can.
Phil, what are you doing? Yeah, Phil, what are you doing? [Cell phone rings.]
Look, Ted's not the right guy for you.
I'm sure it's very hard to see your ex get married, but, honey, you gotta let it go.
Dr.
Ted is cheating on you.
[Chuckles.]
Where is this coming from? You've never even met him.
Honey, just keep doing the breathing.
Are we close here? Yeah, let's go.
I saw him at the bar this afternoon kissing another woman.
Do you expect me to believe that? I got proof, okay? [Scoffs.]
A napkin with his autograph.
That's your proof? A napkin? That is a little weak.
Going up? Kerry, I know we've had our problems.
But I'm gonna always care about you, and I don't wanna see you get hurt.
Phil, that's very sweet, but you gotta give me something better than that.
Why should I believe you? Okay.
How much do I hate paying alimony? More than life itself.
Right.
So why would I be trying to stop you if it meant having to pay you for the rest of my life? Why would I do that? Because he's a cheating sleazebag? You got it.
Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
You're still going through with this? No, I'm going up there to kick his ass.
Yeah, kick his ass! Everyone's happy.
Let's go! - Thank you, Phil.
- Mm-hmm.
I owe you.
Nope.
I'm gonna owe you.
'Cause I'm gonna have to pay some more I'm gonna have to pay some more Phil, I can't believe you got Salvatore to open up Renauro's one last time.
Well, I kinda ruined your last meal here, so I wanted to make it right.
Did I mention you're paying? - Several times.
- Cool.
- Hey, you guys.
- Oh, hey.
- Hi, Holly.
- What up? Um, hey, how's your friend doing? Oh, well, I just got back from the hospital.
The doctor said it was a mild heart attack, and he's gonna be fine.
Oh.
Did you find out if he was into you or not? Well, the surgeon said it could've been caused by arousal.
All: Oh! - Or blockage.
All: Aw.
- I'm going with arousal.
- Nice.
- [Chuckles.]
Anyway, let's eat.
Okay, well, what should we order? Well, considering this place has been closed for two days, let's say we steer clear of the scallops.
All: Mm.