The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e08 Episode Script
Episode 8
1 This programme contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, thank you.
A couple of weeks ago, we started off with the Tiller Girls, some young, scantily-clad girls dancing.
A few people felt uncomfortable about that, and so obviously, we wanted to redress the balance, so for everybody who's uncomfortable, this is for you.
MUSIC: Need You Tonight by INXS CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING I'm lonely.
CHEERING CHEERING MUSIC STOPS APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! MUSIC RESUMES MUSIC STOPS CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Briefs! CHEERING MUSIC RESUMES You're one of my kind.
There you go, ladies and gentlemen.
That's what this show is about.
This is the last show in the series.
I'm starting it off It looks like there's been a bleeding orgy! HE LAUGHS I'm starting it off in a way that I wanted I forgot I had these on.
AUDIENCE: Off! Off! Off! Do you want them off? CHEERING CHEERING INTENSIFIES Don't fight over them.
You lower yourself.
I can't believe you picked That's a duster you will never, ever use.
Don't sniff them, for God's sake! We're on BBC One! Where have you come from? South London.
I'm posh.
I said, "Where are you from?" She said, "South London.
I'm posh.
" You're stiffing someone's underpants, love! That's not posh! Ladies and gentlemen, when I did this show and we were talking about doing a variety show, I said I want a show that's not for all the family, cos I want the little kids in bed.
I want it for the older kids and their parents, so that the teenagers can sit on the couch and watch something with their mum and dad, because you don't get a chance to do that.
I know you don't get a chance to do that, cos I've got older boys.
I have.
I haven't got teenagers any more, my oldest lad's 20.
I've got two teenagers and a bloke.
And the problem is, you don't talk to them any more when they get older, you don't share anything with them.
Last year, this really became apparent when we were deciding to go on holiday and none of my sons wanted to come with us.
The oldest one, who's 20, didn't want to come cos he was going somewhere with his girlfriend.
The middle lad, who was 18 at the time, said he didn't want to go because he was working.
The youngest lad, who is 16 16! .
.
said, "I don't want to come.
" I said, "Hey.
You're coming.
"If you don't come, it's me and your mum on our own for two weeks.
"Neither of us are ready for that.
You're coming!" So he said, "All right, Dad, I'll come if I can bring a mate.
" I said, "No, you can't bring a mate.
" He said, "But, Dad, can I bring a mate?" I said, "No.
" He asked, "Can I bring a mate?' And I said, "No!" It was a straightforward interaction.
He asked me could he bring a mate and I said no.
And it wasn't cos I was being mean, it's cos I wanted to spend time with him.
We've just never really bonded, because he's the last one.
Now, you bond with your first one.
You love your first child, don't you? Your first child really is precious and lovely, and then your second child comes and you go, "Oh, God, "now I can really enjoy this, cos I know what's happening.
" I really, really loved the second one.
And then the third one comes and you think, "I haven't got enough arms.
" He spends his whole life with you going, "Just come here.
"Just catch up! Get here!" So I've never really bonded with him.
So I thought I'd bond with him.
It would be a lovely thing, because what happens with boys, and you don't notice this, most men in this room will never know that day, which is probably the saddest day that you have as a parent, when you've got sons - it's the last day that your son ever holds your hand.
They just stop.
And they never had a chat with you.
It's not like you're walking to school one day, and he goes "Dad, can we have a chat about this? Cos "I'm 15.
" They don't, they just drift away, boys.
They drift away for ever.
So I thought what I'll do, I'll spend some time with him.
So when he said, "Can I bring a mate?" I wasn't being nasty.
I wanted to spend time with him.
So he said, "Can I bring a mate?" And I said, "No.
" That should have been the end of it, but if you've got teenage kids, you'll know what happens in those situations.
He said, "Can I bring a mate?" It left my mouth as "no" and somehow entered his ears as, "I tell you what, why don't you ask me "the same question 150 times "until you've pecked me head that much I give up or start crying?" "Dad, can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't.
" "Dad.
" "What?" "Can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't bring a mate.
" "Dad, can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't" We were getting on the plane! I said, "You know where you're seated?" He said, "I don't.
"Can I bring a mate?" We got to where we were in Spain and he kept on saying, "Dad, can I bring a mate?" And you know why? You know why? Because we weren't bonding.
I wanted to bond with him, but we couldn't bond.
It's too late.
If you haven't bonded with your child by the time they're 16, it's too late.
Because two things happen when a boy becomes 16.
Two important things.
One is they think you're a knob.
That's it.
They might have loved you when they were 15.
As soon as they turn 16, they look at their dad and go, "Urgh, he's a knob.
" Now, at home there might be people sat on their couch next to their 16-year-old son going, "Ha-ha, you don't, do you?" He does.
He thinks you're a knob.
He's looking at you at the end of the coach going, "What are you doing on my couch, you knob?" It's just the way it is.
So that's one thing that happens.
So you can't bond when Tony thinks you're a knob.
And the other thing that happens is they lose the ability to walk properly.
Because when they're 15, a child can walk like that.
A teenage boy can walk when they're 15.
They just walk.
And then as soon as they turn 16, they feel they've got to present their testicles to the world.
So they end up just walking like that.
That's how they walk.
Or if they've got a tracksuit on, they end up counting them at the same time, just standing there going So it's too late to bond with them.
So in the end we were there and he kept on saying, "Dad, can I bring a mate? "Dad, can I bring a mate?" Cos we weren't bonding.
I ended up saying yes.
Well, I said yes to one.
And then I said yes to two.
I ended up agreeing that he could bring five mates.
So that's five additional 16-year-olds to go with the 16-year-old I've already got.
Which I know sounds mental, but to me, it was a great idea.
There was a method to me madness, because I thought to him I'm a knob, cos I'm his dad.
But to the other five, I'm not their dad.
To the other five, I'm Johnny Bish off the telly.
"Legend!" LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE I thought they were going to come over, spend a week with me, at the end of the week turn around to my son and go, "Danny, your dad is a legend!" And then my son's going to go, "God, Dad, I didn't realise I was living with a legend.
"What a top dad.
" We'd be mates for ever.
Don't do this, by the way.
Don't do it, because you just end up with another five teenagers who think you're a knob and you can only punch one of them.
It's a nightmare.
But that wasn't the worst thing about it.
The worst bit about it is that I didn't tell me wife, Melanie.
No, don't judge me.
I didn't tell her that I'd agreed for him to bring five mates in the second week, because we were in the first week.
I thought I'll wait until we get the first four days of the holiday out the way, cos you know what that's like.
The first four days of any holiday, they're just there so that you can have all the arguments you haven't been able to have at home, and to get a cold sore.
That's what the first part of the holiday is.
So I waited, I waited until the Thursday night.
We were having a drink and I just said, "Listen.
I have agreed ".
.
that Daniel can bring five mates over on Saturday, "for the second week.
" And she did the worst thing any woman can do.
She said nothing.
Yes.
She just let it go in.
She just absorbed the words and then she took it down into some chasm of animosity and she put it in the little corner of some dungeon of hatred, ready to come out at another moment.
I didn't realise this.
Across the table, I just thought, "Oh! "That's gone better than I was expecting.
" And then on the Saturday when the boys were expected to come in - they were coming in on a flight from Manchester - she said, "Are you going to the airport to pick the lads up?" I said yes.
She said, "I'll come with you.
" We got in the car, we drove to the airport.
Their plane landed, they walked off the plane.
As they walked off the plane, she walked on it and pissed off home.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Left me there on my own.
And as she's walking away she goes, "You won't to do that again, will you? Dickhead!" Right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? APPLAUSE It gives me enormous pleasure to bring on this very, very funny lady to the stage.
When I first started doing comedy, we kept on crossing paths.
She is so classy, so supportive and so brilliantly funny.
Please welcome the wonderful Jo Caulfield.
Thank you.
And you look good, don't you? You've made an effort.
Yes.
I've made an effort.
I washed my hair for you people.
Yeah, well, not so much for you, but because I was going on telly.
I thought I'll wash my hair.
But as I was blow-drying my hair, I thought, "I waste my life washing and drying my hair.
" I suddenly thought, "How lovely to be a bald man?" It must be brilliant! The time you must have.
Bald men, you just get up in the morning, wash your face, look in the mirror, spend half an hour crying, you're good to go, aren't you? LAUGHTER Not even looking at you, sir, honestly.
The lights are not your friend.
It's pinging off you a little bit there.
The other night, I was sitting there and I thought I'll sit down and watch a bit of relaxing telly.
I've got to be honest, right, I like a reality show where the people in the show are having a slightly worse life than I am.
Because you want to judge people and feel better about yourself, don't you? I like those shows where people are trying to change their life.
There was one the other night, and as soon as it started and I heard the voice-over, I sat down because I thought, "I'm going to love this one.
" This is how it started.
It goes, "Dan and Gail from Grimsby have never run "a bed and breakfast before.
"In fact, they've no experience of running any sort of business at all.
"But they've sold their house in Grimsby "and moved to Spain to open a bed and breakfast.
"It's not going very well.
" I'm like, "Yes!" Oh, their dreams were just collapsing around them.
It cheered me up no end, it really did.
I even went on Trip Advisor and put up a shit review for them.
APPLAUSE My husband, like a lot of men, he says he doesn't like reality telly.
But there is one show that he does like.
It's called something like America's Most Dangerous Men Locked Up.
And it's a prison in Arizona, and we're watching it and he's explaining it to me cos he feels he's more au fait with prison life than I am.
So he's going, "See the big man there? "He's top dog, but he's been disrespected.
"If you're top dog in prison, you cannot be disrespected.
"So he'll get, like, a toothbrush.
He'll file that down "into a point and he will stab the guy in the showers.
"Cos that's what you've got to do.
That's what I'd do if I was in prison.
"I'd be the top dog, would not allow myself to be disrespected.
" I'm just looking at him like, "You're not even top dog in this house.
" APPLAUSE, CHEERING "Why don't you run along and make me a cup of tea, you bitch? All right?" 16 years we've been together.
If you've been together that long, you know each other really well.
We finish each other's sentences.
My husband will start talking and I'll just jump in with, "Oh, shut the fuck up, will you? Jesus Christ!" APPLAUSE But I'm away a lot, which is probably nice for him, really.
But also, it's nice to be away from your partner because then you get to miss them, don't you? And missing someone is a very sweet feeling, isn't it? It's very romantic to miss someone.
But often, when you're missing them, you're missing a better version of them.
Often, I'll get home and look at my husband I'll go, "Aw! "Oh, that's not really what I had in mind.
" But he did do a thing recently.
We went away and I didn't think it was funny at the time, but afterwards, I thought I've got to give him this.
We'd gone away to Berlin for a little city break.
And because we didn't know the city, we had obviously strayed into the red light district.
All the women, they're wearing the same sort of thing - miniskirts, boots - cars are coming along, the women are leaning in to see if the men want business.
It was quite clear that's what was happening.
Well, clear to me.
My husband thought they were doing valet parking.
So I'm looking at the guide book to see how we get back to the area we were in before.
And then I turn around and Stuart's just wandered off.
Cos if you leave them, they're like toddlers, aren't they? They'll just go.
So he's wandering around like this And because it looks like he's on his own, he now gets accosted by one of these working ladies.
Quite aggressive, she was.
She comes up to him and she's like, "So, would you like me "to show you a good time?" So I go up to reclaim him.
So I go, "No, thank you very much.
He's with me, actually.
" And then this is what she did.
She looked me up and down like this.
Then she says to my husband, "So "you prefer transvestite".
LAUGHTER Then my husband, which I didn't think was funny at the time puts his arm round me and then says to her, "Yes, I do.
"Come on, Walter, let's get back to the hotel.
" It's funny now.
APPLAUSE You've been wonderful.
I've been Jo Caulfield.
Thank you.
Cheers.
APPLAUSE, CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Jo Caulfield! CHEERING Before I bring on the next act, I've just got to get something for him.
He's a very, very funny man.
When you're working on the circuit, you look for somebody that you hope you can work with, cos he just makes you laugh.
That's what this man does.
He's got funny bones.
Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Andy Askins.
APPLAUSE # I get knocked down but I get up again # You ain't ever gonna bring me down I get knocked down but I get up again Thank you very much.
My name is Andy.
You've probably already gathered I have absolutely no charisma.
Before anybody takes the mickey out of my shirt, this is actually a Father's Day present.
But he didn't want it, so I kept it.
LAUGHTER Fantastic to be here.
Do you know what? Six weeks ago somebody stole my identity.
What a shit life he's got now.
I feel fantastic.
It's like a big weight's been taken off my shoulders.
You know? All that debt justgone.
Should see the state of his missus.
This means a lot to me, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a Help For Heroes band and I've got three Actually, I've got two beautiful children.
Amy, my favourite, she gave me this.
It's It's a Help For Heroes band, but on the back in biro it says, "number one dad" on it.
I wrote that.
It's great being a number one dad.
I love it.
It's the greatest miracle you can possibly have.
A lot of people seem to think having a child is a God-given right.
It's not.
It's a miracle.
We were watching a programme the other day called One Born Every Minute.
If you haven't seen it - One Born Every Minute - it's amazing.
One Born Every Minute is a programme that shows you, like, four different births.
I was expecting 60, to be honest with you.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It was our wedding anniversary last week.
30 years married.
And we were in bed in the morning, my son brought us a cup of tea.
As he left, my wife, she rolled across the bed towards me.
We've got It's like a double bed.
And I thought she was going to kiss me.
She didn't.
She got her face right up to mine and she went, "I would rather die than spend another year with you.
" So I've booked a holiday to Switzerland.
Let's see.
LAUGHTER Let's see if we can get that ball moving.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Don't normally get this far.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You've been a wonderful audience.
I'd like to finish off with a song for anybody trapped in a bitter, loveless, hateful, spiteful relationship, or about to be.
This is a song called Julie.
It's not about my wife.
LAUGHTER TO THE MELODY OF Thank You by Dido # My dinner's cold My wife's not here # There's a message on the wall # I've gone out to shag your mates # Cos you're no good in bed at all # Even if you were, I'd still be out # Cos you just make my skin crawl # Cos you're spineless You're useless # As a stud, you're just a dud ECHOING: # Dud, dud, dud LAUGHTER # She staggered in next afternoon # Began to shout and bawl # So I pushed her through the window # Our flat's ten storeys tall # I didn't know if she'd survived or not # Cos a van had broke her fall # Mr Whitby, he sold ice creams and lollies # And I want to thank you # For giving me the best day of my life LAUGHTER # I want to thank you # For giving me the best day of my life # Aaaah # Doof! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE # I'm stood beside your bed # Seeing as you're trapped in a coma # You've grown a thick moustache # And you've a strange aroma # You used to slag me off # You thought that you were clever # You said I turned you off Well, this time it's for ever.
LAUGHTER Thank you, goodnight.
Have a wonderful evening.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Andy Askins! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE CHEERS I met this young man last year.
He was a joy to talk to - somebody who's going to be absolutely huge on a global basis.
He burst onto the scene, and it's nice to see his feet are so grounded.
He's got a fantastic new single - it's a superb summer tune, it's out now, he's come to sing it for us.
It's called Come And Get It.
Please welcome John Newman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # I have been crazy # But that's just all right # All right # I have been lonely # But that's just all right # All right # My feelings, I don't hide them # Hide them, hide them # Inside they keep on burning # Burning, burning # Your feelings, you shouldn't hide them # Hide them, hide them # From me # Na, na, na, not all right # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # I have been so unfortunate # But that's just all right # All right # I have been treated so badly, my baby # But that's just all right # All right # My feelings, I don't hide them # Hide them, hide them # Inside they keep on burning # Burning, burning # Your feelings, you shouldn't hide them # Hide them, hide them # From me # Na, na, na, not all right # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Every man has been broke # Every woman too # The reason I think I'm something special, baby # Is cos I was never broken by you # Na, na, na Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it Does it feel good? # Come and get it if you really want it It does # Come and get it if you really mean it Na, na, na # Come and get it if you really want it All right # Come and get it if you really mean it Baby # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it It's all right # Come and get it if you really want it It's all right # Come and get it if you really mean it Yes, it feels good # Come and get it if you really want it So good # Come and get it if you really mean it It's all right # Come and get it if you really want it It's all right # Come and get it if you really mean it Feels so good # Come and get it if you really want it So good Come and get it if you really mean it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, John Newman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you like another comedian? AUDIENCE: Yes! This son of Ireland has been travelling all over the world, entertaining everybody with his madness.
He is unique on every possible level.
Please welcome to the stage the unmissable Jason Byrne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Abra, abracadabra I wanna reach out and grab ya Hello! Abra, abracadabra Er, hello, London.
HE CHEERS HALFHEARTEDLY HE SIGHS Anyway, so, look, I normally do stand-up and stuff like that, right? But since it's a variety show, I thought I'd do a bit of magic.
Yay.
WHOOPS FROM AUDIENCE I've never really done magic, so apparently what I need is, like, a volunteer and an assistant.
So, er, this chap here, will you help me? Give him a round of applause.
And maybe you with the chequered shirt.
You.
Can you help? Give a cheer! Come on, give a cheer.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I guess they can help me.
Oh, hello.
Oh, brilliant.
Hello.
OK.
And another man.
Hello, man.
Right.
I don't know who's going to be who, or Well, what's your name? Rob.
Rob.
Is it short for? Rob.
LAUGHTER Right, OK.
Brilliant.
I've picked the most exciting man in the front row.
That's great.
And what's your name? I'm, er, Luke.
"I am a Luke.
" LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Hello, I-am-a-Luke.
Erm, OK, you You can do the physical stuff.
This'll be good.
You come over here, right, Rob? Just go over here.
I'm going to This is quite a complicated trick.
And if you could just take this, if you could just do kind of magic music while I do this, which'd be good.
Right, so LAUGHTER Just move that over there, right? So can you do some magic music? LAUGHTER MAGIC! Just Just a tune.
It doesn't bleeding matter, all right? This magic trick is very important to me.
Get it right! Come on, just make up any tune, Luke.
It doesn't matter.
Go.
Right, OK.
So just some background.
Some background tune.
Da-da-da-di-di I don't know.
That was good! That was good! LAUGHTER That thing you did at the start, do that.
Do that.
DO THE THING YOU DID AT THE START! Da-da-da-da-di! No, but you've got to keep doing it! You can't just go, "Da-da-da-di, that'll do, thanks.
" LAUGHTER Just do background music! We're running out of time! HALFHEARTEDLY: # Da-da-da-da-di-di-di# LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's good, it's good.
It's good.
Right, now, we're just going to set up this Just hold that.
Just hold No, hold that! Hold it, don't ruin the trick! Just put this around you, right? And then just stick your feet out the end.
Just stick your feet out the end.
The magic feet, not the real feet! LAUGHTER Background music! DO THE BACKGROUND MUSIC! Da-da-da! OK, now, just open your legs a bit more.
No! Can you do it a bit more naturally?! What are you doing?! Hide your real feet, you gobshite! LAUGHTER Right, I'm going to hypnotise you.
Have you ever been hypnotised? No, OK.
I'm going to hypnotise you, and then once you're under, just look at them, OK? OK, here we go.
Hnngh-hngggh Give me some background music for this.
Da-da-da.
Hnngh LAUGHTER Hnngh-hngggh Ha-da! OK, that's LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is good.
That's creepy.
LAUGHTER Actually couldn't have picked a better face! Now very slowly, just lift your legs up, Rob.
I know you're under.
Just lift your legs up very slowly.
Just lift them up, that's good.
That's good.
LAUGHTER Just a little bit more of an angle, Rob, bit more of an angle.
No, no.
OK, no, lean back, you fecking eejit! LAUGHTER OK, OK.
OK, just put Come here! Hide his legs.
Hide his legs.
Just hide his legs.
LAUGHTER Background music, background music! Da-da Get back! Keep hiding his legs! I need more people to hide the legs.
You two, get up.
Just give them a round of applause.
Quick, quick.
Move, move! Run, run! Keep hiding! APPLAUSE Right, OK, brilliant.
Just hide there.
Hide the legs.
Yeah, hide that bit.
Get down there.
Oh, my God, they're children.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God, he's in half! He's ACTUALLY in half! Hold on! He's dead! LAUGHTER CONTINUES Right, now to prove that he's actually floating LAUGHTER OK.
Here we go.
Now just get through it, all right? LAUGHTER Get through the hoop, will you?! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Listen! Give me your help! JASON STRAINS Get up! Get up! Yes! LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go on! Take a bow! Get in a line! Take a bow! APPLAUSE CONTINUES Right, lads, go that way! Go along with some children! Now JASON PANTS LAUGHTER Thanks for watching whatever that was.
LAUGHTER I've been Jason Byrne, goodnight, thanks a million! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'll tell you what, that was some sweaty experience watching a load of men who didn't know each other wrestle.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next comedian? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I'm going to bring on to the stage a young Scottish gentleman who's now dividing his time between the UK and the US, where his growing reputation is going to make him a huge star.
We are so lucky to have him here, please welcome to the stage the very funny Daniel Sloss.
ENTRANCE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE Er, just, just before I start my comedy properly, I will just give you all just a couple of seconds, just to, er LAUGHTER .
.
drink this in.
Have a good look.
And I think we can all agree that this .
.
is what Hitler wanted.
LAUGHTER Like, to a T.
I'm not proud of that, I'm just saying that if you were to go back in time to like, Hitler's bat cave or whatever he had, there's just loads of pictures of me and the kid from Home Alone.
LAUGHTER I moved out of my parent's place a couple of years ago, which is a very big step, in your life, when you move out, hard, not just you, hard on parents as well.
Sorry, not parents, parent.
Whenever a child moves out there's always one parent that cares.
LAUGHTER And then there's the other one.
There's always one parent that's like, "Oh, my God, oh, my baby, I love you!" And the other one's like, "Hm".
LAUGHTER Get I'll see if you can guess which one of my parents was more upset when I moved out.
You've got two choices, you've got my loving, caring, friendly, beautiful mother.
Or, or, my stepdad.
Now, give you another clue, he's not actually my stepdad, I just call him that to piss him off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Call me Dad! Shut up, Martin.
I have very intelligent parents.
My mother has a PhD in microbiology and biochemistry, who's very high up in her job department, outsourced by the UN.
My father is a computer programmer, who's currently developing 3-D underwater sonar.
Yeah.
So, it's a miracle that I was born.
LAUGHTER Because neither of those two people ever should've gotten laid.
LAUGHTER Ever! But they did.
They met, they fell in love, they got married, they consummated that marriage and two months later, I was born.
When those two geniuses combined their DNA, they made LAUGHTER So, one of them probably cheated.
Probably my mother.
Reckon it was her.
Not because she's better than my dad, but it's a lot easier for a woman to convince a man that a baby is his.
LAUGHTER Very impressive the other way around.
Just my dad coming home at two in the morning, drunk with a baby.
LAUGHTER It's yours.
She's got a PhD, she's not going to fall for that shit.
My mum's biggest fear when I moved out was that I was going to become a drug addict.
That was her fear, I was going to become an addict, which was incredibly naive of her, because I was a drug addict when I lived with her.
LAUGHTER I was just much better at hiding it.
When I say drug addict, I don't do drugs.
I do DRUG.
I do one drug.
I do a drug I bet about 60% of people in this room will have tried at one point or another, a drug a lot of people do, should be legal everywhere by now because they say it's got no real health ramifications.
Meth.
LAUGHTER AND FAINT APPLAUSE It's how I stay so skinny.
I'm talking about weed, marijuana, I do occasionally smoke marijuana and by occasionally, I mean all of the time.
By the way, I'm not trying to make marijuana seem cool, because it does that itself.
It's one of the magical effects.
Little-known fact, before Snoop Dog smoked marijuana, he was white.
LAUGHTER I don't do any other drugs, because all other drugs can kill you.
Even alcohol can kill you.
I obviously still drink alcohol, cos otherwise I wouldn't have a personality.
But if you go to a party where somebody overdoses alcohol, that's a terrifying moment, "Daniel, Daniel come quick! "Steve's overdosed on alcohol!" "How does he look?" "He's awful, he's on the floor, barely breathing, "in a pool of his vomit, we'll have to get him to hospital "and we're going to have to get his stomach pumped.
" As opposed to, "Daniel, come quick! Steve's overdosed on marijuana!" "How does he look?" "Comfortable.
" LAUGHTER "He's watching Shrek.
" LAUGHTER "Do we have any Pringles?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You guys have been great, I'm Daniel Sloss, thank you very much, goodnight, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Sloss! CHEERING Are we ready for some more music? AUDIENCE: Yes! I first saw this act live last week, her voice was mesmerising, she is going to be an absolutely massive star.
I knew she'd be right for this show, that's why I brought her here, performing Gold from her album Giants, please welcome Andreya Triana! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Lord only knows # This heart is free # A brand-new day # Is at my feet # Now sing it low # Low and sweet # Give it more soul # Give it all of me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # Might not be diamonds # But it shines for me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # Sing it, yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Simple things # Light me up # What beautiful was # And I see the love # And everything # And everyone # And I'm big and choking # Oh, the time will come # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # Might not be diamonds # But it shines for me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # It's gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # Sing it, yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # All feels like gold # All gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # It all feels like gold # Gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # All good to me # Yeah # Good to me # Yeah # Good to me # It's all good to me Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Andreya Triana! CHEERING What a voice.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's it.
That's the end of the show tonight, that's the end of the series.
Please put your hands together for all the acts you've seen tonight and everyone in the series and from me, thank you, goodnight and God bless.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, thank you.
A couple of weeks ago, we started off with the Tiller Girls, some young, scantily-clad girls dancing.
A few people felt uncomfortable about that, and so obviously, we wanted to redress the balance, so for everybody who's uncomfortable, this is for you.
MUSIC: Need You Tonight by INXS CHEERING CHEERING CHEERING I'm lonely.
CHEERING CHEERING MUSIC STOPS APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show! MUSIC RESUMES MUSIC STOPS CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Briefs! CHEERING MUSIC RESUMES You're one of my kind.
There you go, ladies and gentlemen.
That's what this show is about.
This is the last show in the series.
I'm starting it off It looks like there's been a bleeding orgy! HE LAUGHS I'm starting it off in a way that I wanted I forgot I had these on.
AUDIENCE: Off! Off! Off! Do you want them off? CHEERING CHEERING INTENSIFIES Don't fight over them.
You lower yourself.
I can't believe you picked That's a duster you will never, ever use.
Don't sniff them, for God's sake! We're on BBC One! Where have you come from? South London.
I'm posh.
I said, "Where are you from?" She said, "South London.
I'm posh.
" You're stiffing someone's underpants, love! That's not posh! Ladies and gentlemen, when I did this show and we were talking about doing a variety show, I said I want a show that's not for all the family, cos I want the little kids in bed.
I want it for the older kids and their parents, so that the teenagers can sit on the couch and watch something with their mum and dad, because you don't get a chance to do that.
I know you don't get a chance to do that, cos I've got older boys.
I have.
I haven't got teenagers any more, my oldest lad's 20.
I've got two teenagers and a bloke.
And the problem is, you don't talk to them any more when they get older, you don't share anything with them.
Last year, this really became apparent when we were deciding to go on holiday and none of my sons wanted to come with us.
The oldest one, who's 20, didn't want to come cos he was going somewhere with his girlfriend.
The middle lad, who was 18 at the time, said he didn't want to go because he was working.
The youngest lad, who is 16 16! .
.
said, "I don't want to come.
" I said, "Hey.
You're coming.
"If you don't come, it's me and your mum on our own for two weeks.
"Neither of us are ready for that.
You're coming!" So he said, "All right, Dad, I'll come if I can bring a mate.
" I said, "No, you can't bring a mate.
" He said, "But, Dad, can I bring a mate?" I said, "No.
" He asked, "Can I bring a mate?' And I said, "No!" It was a straightforward interaction.
He asked me could he bring a mate and I said no.
And it wasn't cos I was being mean, it's cos I wanted to spend time with him.
We've just never really bonded, because he's the last one.
Now, you bond with your first one.
You love your first child, don't you? Your first child really is precious and lovely, and then your second child comes and you go, "Oh, God, "now I can really enjoy this, cos I know what's happening.
" I really, really loved the second one.
And then the third one comes and you think, "I haven't got enough arms.
" He spends his whole life with you going, "Just come here.
"Just catch up! Get here!" So I've never really bonded with him.
So I thought I'd bond with him.
It would be a lovely thing, because what happens with boys, and you don't notice this, most men in this room will never know that day, which is probably the saddest day that you have as a parent, when you've got sons - it's the last day that your son ever holds your hand.
They just stop.
And they never had a chat with you.
It's not like you're walking to school one day, and he goes "Dad, can we have a chat about this? Cos "I'm 15.
" They don't, they just drift away, boys.
They drift away for ever.
So I thought what I'll do, I'll spend some time with him.
So when he said, "Can I bring a mate?" I wasn't being nasty.
I wanted to spend time with him.
So he said, "Can I bring a mate?" And I said, "No.
" That should have been the end of it, but if you've got teenage kids, you'll know what happens in those situations.
He said, "Can I bring a mate?" It left my mouth as "no" and somehow entered his ears as, "I tell you what, why don't you ask me "the same question 150 times "until you've pecked me head that much I give up or start crying?" "Dad, can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't.
" "Dad.
" "What?" "Can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't bring a mate.
" "Dad, can I bring a mate?" "No, you can't" We were getting on the plane! I said, "You know where you're seated?" He said, "I don't.
"Can I bring a mate?" We got to where we were in Spain and he kept on saying, "Dad, can I bring a mate?" And you know why? You know why? Because we weren't bonding.
I wanted to bond with him, but we couldn't bond.
It's too late.
If you haven't bonded with your child by the time they're 16, it's too late.
Because two things happen when a boy becomes 16.
Two important things.
One is they think you're a knob.
That's it.
They might have loved you when they were 15.
As soon as they turn 16, they look at their dad and go, "Urgh, he's a knob.
" Now, at home there might be people sat on their couch next to their 16-year-old son going, "Ha-ha, you don't, do you?" He does.
He thinks you're a knob.
He's looking at you at the end of the coach going, "What are you doing on my couch, you knob?" It's just the way it is.
So that's one thing that happens.
So you can't bond when Tony thinks you're a knob.
And the other thing that happens is they lose the ability to walk properly.
Because when they're 15, a child can walk like that.
A teenage boy can walk when they're 15.
They just walk.
And then as soon as they turn 16, they feel they've got to present their testicles to the world.
So they end up just walking like that.
That's how they walk.
Or if they've got a tracksuit on, they end up counting them at the same time, just standing there going So it's too late to bond with them.
So in the end we were there and he kept on saying, "Dad, can I bring a mate? "Dad, can I bring a mate?" Cos we weren't bonding.
I ended up saying yes.
Well, I said yes to one.
And then I said yes to two.
I ended up agreeing that he could bring five mates.
So that's five additional 16-year-olds to go with the 16-year-old I've already got.
Which I know sounds mental, but to me, it was a great idea.
There was a method to me madness, because I thought to him I'm a knob, cos I'm his dad.
But to the other five, I'm not their dad.
To the other five, I'm Johnny Bish off the telly.
"Legend!" LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE I thought they were going to come over, spend a week with me, at the end of the week turn around to my son and go, "Danny, your dad is a legend!" And then my son's going to go, "God, Dad, I didn't realise I was living with a legend.
"What a top dad.
" We'd be mates for ever.
Don't do this, by the way.
Don't do it, because you just end up with another five teenagers who think you're a knob and you can only punch one of them.
It's a nightmare.
But that wasn't the worst thing about it.
The worst bit about it is that I didn't tell me wife, Melanie.
No, don't judge me.
I didn't tell her that I'd agreed for him to bring five mates in the second week, because we were in the first week.
I thought I'll wait until we get the first four days of the holiday out the way, cos you know what that's like.
The first four days of any holiday, they're just there so that you can have all the arguments you haven't been able to have at home, and to get a cold sore.
That's what the first part of the holiday is.
So I waited, I waited until the Thursday night.
We were having a drink and I just said, "Listen.
I have agreed ".
.
that Daniel can bring five mates over on Saturday, "for the second week.
" And she did the worst thing any woman can do.
She said nothing.
Yes.
She just let it go in.
She just absorbed the words and then she took it down into some chasm of animosity and she put it in the little corner of some dungeon of hatred, ready to come out at another moment.
I didn't realise this.
Across the table, I just thought, "Oh! "That's gone better than I was expecting.
" And then on the Saturday when the boys were expected to come in - they were coming in on a flight from Manchester - she said, "Are you going to the airport to pick the lads up?" I said yes.
She said, "I'll come with you.
" We got in the car, we drove to the airport.
Their plane landed, they walked off the plane.
As they walked off the plane, she walked on it and pissed off home.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Left me there on my own.
And as she's walking away she goes, "You won't to do that again, will you? Dickhead!" Right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act? APPLAUSE It gives me enormous pleasure to bring on this very, very funny lady to the stage.
When I first started doing comedy, we kept on crossing paths.
She is so classy, so supportive and so brilliantly funny.
Please welcome the wonderful Jo Caulfield.
Thank you.
And you look good, don't you? You've made an effort.
Yes.
I've made an effort.
I washed my hair for you people.
Yeah, well, not so much for you, but because I was going on telly.
I thought I'll wash my hair.
But as I was blow-drying my hair, I thought, "I waste my life washing and drying my hair.
" I suddenly thought, "How lovely to be a bald man?" It must be brilliant! The time you must have.
Bald men, you just get up in the morning, wash your face, look in the mirror, spend half an hour crying, you're good to go, aren't you? LAUGHTER Not even looking at you, sir, honestly.
The lights are not your friend.
It's pinging off you a little bit there.
The other night, I was sitting there and I thought I'll sit down and watch a bit of relaxing telly.
I've got to be honest, right, I like a reality show where the people in the show are having a slightly worse life than I am.
Because you want to judge people and feel better about yourself, don't you? I like those shows where people are trying to change their life.
There was one the other night, and as soon as it started and I heard the voice-over, I sat down because I thought, "I'm going to love this one.
" This is how it started.
It goes, "Dan and Gail from Grimsby have never run "a bed and breakfast before.
"In fact, they've no experience of running any sort of business at all.
"But they've sold their house in Grimsby "and moved to Spain to open a bed and breakfast.
"It's not going very well.
" I'm like, "Yes!" Oh, their dreams were just collapsing around them.
It cheered me up no end, it really did.
I even went on Trip Advisor and put up a shit review for them.
APPLAUSE My husband, like a lot of men, he says he doesn't like reality telly.
But there is one show that he does like.
It's called something like America's Most Dangerous Men Locked Up.
And it's a prison in Arizona, and we're watching it and he's explaining it to me cos he feels he's more au fait with prison life than I am.
So he's going, "See the big man there? "He's top dog, but he's been disrespected.
"If you're top dog in prison, you cannot be disrespected.
"So he'll get, like, a toothbrush.
He'll file that down "into a point and he will stab the guy in the showers.
"Cos that's what you've got to do.
That's what I'd do if I was in prison.
"I'd be the top dog, would not allow myself to be disrespected.
" I'm just looking at him like, "You're not even top dog in this house.
" APPLAUSE, CHEERING "Why don't you run along and make me a cup of tea, you bitch? All right?" 16 years we've been together.
If you've been together that long, you know each other really well.
We finish each other's sentences.
My husband will start talking and I'll just jump in with, "Oh, shut the fuck up, will you? Jesus Christ!" APPLAUSE But I'm away a lot, which is probably nice for him, really.
But also, it's nice to be away from your partner because then you get to miss them, don't you? And missing someone is a very sweet feeling, isn't it? It's very romantic to miss someone.
But often, when you're missing them, you're missing a better version of them.
Often, I'll get home and look at my husband I'll go, "Aw! "Oh, that's not really what I had in mind.
" But he did do a thing recently.
We went away and I didn't think it was funny at the time, but afterwards, I thought I've got to give him this.
We'd gone away to Berlin for a little city break.
And because we didn't know the city, we had obviously strayed into the red light district.
All the women, they're wearing the same sort of thing - miniskirts, boots - cars are coming along, the women are leaning in to see if the men want business.
It was quite clear that's what was happening.
Well, clear to me.
My husband thought they were doing valet parking.
So I'm looking at the guide book to see how we get back to the area we were in before.
And then I turn around and Stuart's just wandered off.
Cos if you leave them, they're like toddlers, aren't they? They'll just go.
So he's wandering around like this And because it looks like he's on his own, he now gets accosted by one of these working ladies.
Quite aggressive, she was.
She comes up to him and she's like, "So, would you like me "to show you a good time?" So I go up to reclaim him.
So I go, "No, thank you very much.
He's with me, actually.
" And then this is what she did.
She looked me up and down like this.
Then she says to my husband, "So "you prefer transvestite".
LAUGHTER Then my husband, which I didn't think was funny at the time puts his arm round me and then says to her, "Yes, I do.
"Come on, Walter, let's get back to the hotel.
" It's funny now.
APPLAUSE You've been wonderful.
I've been Jo Caulfield.
Thank you.
Cheers.
APPLAUSE, CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Jo Caulfield! CHEERING Before I bring on the next act, I've just got to get something for him.
He's a very, very funny man.
When you're working on the circuit, you look for somebody that you hope you can work with, cos he just makes you laugh.
That's what this man does.
He's got funny bones.
Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Andy Askins.
APPLAUSE # I get knocked down but I get up again # You ain't ever gonna bring me down I get knocked down but I get up again Thank you very much.
My name is Andy.
You've probably already gathered I have absolutely no charisma.
Before anybody takes the mickey out of my shirt, this is actually a Father's Day present.
But he didn't want it, so I kept it.
LAUGHTER Fantastic to be here.
Do you know what? Six weeks ago somebody stole my identity.
What a shit life he's got now.
I feel fantastic.
It's like a big weight's been taken off my shoulders.
You know? All that debt justgone.
Should see the state of his missus.
This means a lot to me, ladies and gentlemen.
It's a Help For Heroes band and I've got three Actually, I've got two beautiful children.
Amy, my favourite, she gave me this.
It's It's a Help For Heroes band, but on the back in biro it says, "number one dad" on it.
I wrote that.
It's great being a number one dad.
I love it.
It's the greatest miracle you can possibly have.
A lot of people seem to think having a child is a God-given right.
It's not.
It's a miracle.
We were watching a programme the other day called One Born Every Minute.
If you haven't seen it - One Born Every Minute - it's amazing.
One Born Every Minute is a programme that shows you, like, four different births.
I was expecting 60, to be honest with you.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It was our wedding anniversary last week.
30 years married.
And we were in bed in the morning, my son brought us a cup of tea.
As he left, my wife, she rolled across the bed towards me.
We've got It's like a double bed.
And I thought she was going to kiss me.
She didn't.
She got her face right up to mine and she went, "I would rather die than spend another year with you.
" So I've booked a holiday to Switzerland.
Let's see.
LAUGHTER Let's see if we can get that ball moving.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Don't normally get this far.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You've been a wonderful audience.
I'd like to finish off with a song for anybody trapped in a bitter, loveless, hateful, spiteful relationship, or about to be.
This is a song called Julie.
It's not about my wife.
LAUGHTER TO THE MELODY OF Thank You by Dido # My dinner's cold My wife's not here # There's a message on the wall # I've gone out to shag your mates # Cos you're no good in bed at all # Even if you were, I'd still be out # Cos you just make my skin crawl # Cos you're spineless You're useless # As a stud, you're just a dud ECHOING: # Dud, dud, dud LAUGHTER # She staggered in next afternoon # Began to shout and bawl # So I pushed her through the window # Our flat's ten storeys tall # I didn't know if she'd survived or not # Cos a van had broke her fall # Mr Whitby, he sold ice creams and lollies # And I want to thank you # For giving me the best day of my life LAUGHTER # I want to thank you # For giving me the best day of my life # Aaaah # Doof! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE # I'm stood beside your bed # Seeing as you're trapped in a coma # You've grown a thick moustache # And you've a strange aroma # You used to slag me off # You thought that you were clever # You said I turned you off Well, this time it's for ever.
LAUGHTER Thank you, goodnight.
Have a wonderful evening.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Andy Askins! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some music? AUDIENCE CHEERS I met this young man last year.
He was a joy to talk to - somebody who's going to be absolutely huge on a global basis.
He burst onto the scene, and it's nice to see his feet are so grounded.
He's got a fantastic new single - it's a superb summer tune, it's out now, he's come to sing it for us.
It's called Come And Get It.
Please welcome John Newman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # I have been crazy # But that's just all right # All right # I have been lonely # But that's just all right # All right # My feelings, I don't hide them # Hide them, hide them # Inside they keep on burning # Burning, burning # Your feelings, you shouldn't hide them # Hide them, hide them # From me # Na, na, na, not all right # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # I have been so unfortunate # But that's just all right # All right # I have been treated so badly, my baby # But that's just all right # All right # My feelings, I don't hide them # Hide them, hide them # Inside they keep on burning # Burning, burning # Your feelings, you shouldn't hide them # Hide them, hide them # From me # Na, na, na, not all right # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it # Every man has been broke # Every woman too # The reason I think I'm something special, baby # Is cos I was never broken by you # Na, na, na Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it Does it feel good? # Come and get it if you really want it It does # Come and get it if you really mean it Na, na, na # Come and get it if you really want it All right # Come and get it if you really mean it Baby # Come and get it if you really want it # Come and get it if you really mean it It's all right # Come and get it if you really want it It's all right # Come and get it if you really mean it Yes, it feels good # Come and get it if you really want it So good # Come and get it if you really mean it It's all right # Come and get it if you really want it It's all right # Come and get it if you really mean it Feels so good # Come and get it if you really want it So good Come and get it if you really mean it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, John Newman! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen, would you like another comedian? AUDIENCE: Yes! This son of Ireland has been travelling all over the world, entertaining everybody with his madness.
He is unique on every possible level.
Please welcome to the stage the unmissable Jason Byrne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Abra, abracadabra I wanna reach out and grab ya Hello! Abra, abracadabra Er, hello, London.
HE CHEERS HALFHEARTEDLY HE SIGHS Anyway, so, look, I normally do stand-up and stuff like that, right? But since it's a variety show, I thought I'd do a bit of magic.
Yay.
WHOOPS FROM AUDIENCE I've never really done magic, so apparently what I need is, like, a volunteer and an assistant.
So, er, this chap here, will you help me? Give him a round of applause.
And maybe you with the chequered shirt.
You.
Can you help? Give a cheer! Come on, give a cheer.
Come on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I guess they can help me.
Oh, hello.
Oh, brilliant.
Hello.
OK.
And another man.
Hello, man.
Right.
I don't know who's going to be who, or Well, what's your name? Rob.
Rob.
Is it short for? Rob.
LAUGHTER Right, OK.
Brilliant.
I've picked the most exciting man in the front row.
That's great.
And what's your name? I'm, er, Luke.
"I am a Luke.
" LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Hello, I-am-a-Luke.
Erm, OK, you You can do the physical stuff.
This'll be good.
You come over here, right, Rob? Just go over here.
I'm going to This is quite a complicated trick.
And if you could just take this, if you could just do kind of magic music while I do this, which'd be good.
Right, so LAUGHTER Just move that over there, right? So can you do some magic music? LAUGHTER MAGIC! Just Just a tune.
It doesn't bleeding matter, all right? This magic trick is very important to me.
Get it right! Come on, just make up any tune, Luke.
It doesn't matter.
Go.
Right, OK.
So just some background.
Some background tune.
Da-da-da-di-di I don't know.
That was good! That was good! LAUGHTER That thing you did at the start, do that.
Do that.
DO THE THING YOU DID AT THE START! Da-da-da-da-di! No, but you've got to keep doing it! You can't just go, "Da-da-da-di, that'll do, thanks.
" LAUGHTER Just do background music! We're running out of time! HALFHEARTEDLY: # Da-da-da-da-di-di-di# LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's good, it's good.
It's good.
Right, now, we're just going to set up this Just hold that.
Just hold No, hold that! Hold it, don't ruin the trick! Just put this around you, right? And then just stick your feet out the end.
Just stick your feet out the end.
The magic feet, not the real feet! LAUGHTER Background music! DO THE BACKGROUND MUSIC! Da-da-da! OK, now, just open your legs a bit more.
No! Can you do it a bit more naturally?! What are you doing?! Hide your real feet, you gobshite! LAUGHTER Right, I'm going to hypnotise you.
Have you ever been hypnotised? No, OK.
I'm going to hypnotise you, and then once you're under, just look at them, OK? OK, here we go.
Hnngh-hngggh Give me some background music for this.
Da-da-da.
Hnngh LAUGHTER Hnngh-hngggh Ha-da! OK, that's LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is good.
That's creepy.
LAUGHTER Actually couldn't have picked a better face! Now very slowly, just lift your legs up, Rob.
I know you're under.
Just lift your legs up very slowly.
Just lift them up, that's good.
That's good.
LAUGHTER Just a little bit more of an angle, Rob, bit more of an angle.
No, no.
OK, no, lean back, you fecking eejit! LAUGHTER OK, OK.
OK, just put Come here! Hide his legs.
Hide his legs.
Just hide his legs.
LAUGHTER Background music, background music! Da-da Get back! Keep hiding his legs! I need more people to hide the legs.
You two, get up.
Just give them a round of applause.
Quick, quick.
Move, move! Run, run! Keep hiding! APPLAUSE Right, OK, brilliant.
Just hide there.
Hide the legs.
Yeah, hide that bit.
Get down there.
Oh, my God, they're children.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God, he's in half! He's ACTUALLY in half! Hold on! He's dead! LAUGHTER CONTINUES Right, now to prove that he's actually floating LAUGHTER OK.
Here we go.
Now just get through it, all right? LAUGHTER Get through the hoop, will you?! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Listen! Give me your help! JASON STRAINS Get up! Get up! Yes! LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go on! Take a bow! Get in a line! Take a bow! APPLAUSE CONTINUES Right, lads, go that way! Go along with some children! Now JASON PANTS LAUGHTER Thanks for watching whatever that was.
LAUGHTER I've been Jason Byrne, goodnight, thanks a million! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Byrne! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'll tell you what, that was some sweaty experience watching a load of men who didn't know each other wrestle.
LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your next comedian? AUDIENCE: Yeah! I'm going to bring on to the stage a young Scottish gentleman who's now dividing his time between the UK and the US, where his growing reputation is going to make him a huge star.
We are so lucky to have him here, please welcome to the stage the very funny Daniel Sloss.
ENTRANCE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE Er, just, just before I start my comedy properly, I will just give you all just a couple of seconds, just to, er LAUGHTER .
.
drink this in.
Have a good look.
And I think we can all agree that this .
.
is what Hitler wanted.
LAUGHTER Like, to a T.
I'm not proud of that, I'm just saying that if you were to go back in time to like, Hitler's bat cave or whatever he had, there's just loads of pictures of me and the kid from Home Alone.
LAUGHTER I moved out of my parent's place a couple of years ago, which is a very big step, in your life, when you move out, hard, not just you, hard on parents as well.
Sorry, not parents, parent.
Whenever a child moves out there's always one parent that cares.
LAUGHTER And then there's the other one.
There's always one parent that's like, "Oh, my God, oh, my baby, I love you!" And the other one's like, "Hm".
LAUGHTER Get I'll see if you can guess which one of my parents was more upset when I moved out.
You've got two choices, you've got my loving, caring, friendly, beautiful mother.
Or, or, my stepdad.
Now, give you another clue, he's not actually my stepdad, I just call him that to piss him off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Call me Dad! Shut up, Martin.
I have very intelligent parents.
My mother has a PhD in microbiology and biochemistry, who's very high up in her job department, outsourced by the UN.
My father is a computer programmer, who's currently developing 3-D underwater sonar.
Yeah.
So, it's a miracle that I was born.
LAUGHTER Because neither of those two people ever should've gotten laid.
LAUGHTER Ever! But they did.
They met, they fell in love, they got married, they consummated that marriage and two months later, I was born.
When those two geniuses combined their DNA, they made LAUGHTER So, one of them probably cheated.
Probably my mother.
Reckon it was her.
Not because she's better than my dad, but it's a lot easier for a woman to convince a man that a baby is his.
LAUGHTER Very impressive the other way around.
Just my dad coming home at two in the morning, drunk with a baby.
LAUGHTER It's yours.
She's got a PhD, she's not going to fall for that shit.
My mum's biggest fear when I moved out was that I was going to become a drug addict.
That was her fear, I was going to become an addict, which was incredibly naive of her, because I was a drug addict when I lived with her.
LAUGHTER I was just much better at hiding it.
When I say drug addict, I don't do drugs.
I do DRUG.
I do one drug.
I do a drug I bet about 60% of people in this room will have tried at one point or another, a drug a lot of people do, should be legal everywhere by now because they say it's got no real health ramifications.
Meth.
LAUGHTER AND FAINT APPLAUSE It's how I stay so skinny.
I'm talking about weed, marijuana, I do occasionally smoke marijuana and by occasionally, I mean all of the time.
By the way, I'm not trying to make marijuana seem cool, because it does that itself.
It's one of the magical effects.
Little-known fact, before Snoop Dog smoked marijuana, he was white.
LAUGHTER I don't do any other drugs, because all other drugs can kill you.
Even alcohol can kill you.
I obviously still drink alcohol, cos otherwise I wouldn't have a personality.
But if you go to a party where somebody overdoses alcohol, that's a terrifying moment, "Daniel, Daniel come quick! "Steve's overdosed on alcohol!" "How does he look?" "He's awful, he's on the floor, barely breathing, "in a pool of his vomit, we'll have to get him to hospital "and we're going to have to get his stomach pumped.
" As opposed to, "Daniel, come quick! Steve's overdosed on marijuana!" "How does he look?" "Comfortable.
" LAUGHTER "He's watching Shrek.
" LAUGHTER "Do we have any Pringles?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You guys have been great, I'm Daniel Sloss, thank you very much, goodnight, cheers.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Sloss! CHEERING Are we ready for some more music? AUDIENCE: Yes! I first saw this act live last week, her voice was mesmerising, she is going to be an absolutely massive star.
I knew she'd be right for this show, that's why I brought her here, performing Gold from her album Giants, please welcome Andreya Triana! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Lord only knows # This heart is free # A brand-new day # Is at my feet # Now sing it low # Low and sweet # Give it more soul # Give it all of me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # Might not be diamonds # But it shines for me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # Sing it, yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Simple things # Light me up # What beautiful was # And I see the love # And everything # And everyone # And I'm big and choking # Oh, the time will come # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # Gold # Might not be diamonds # But it shines for me # It all feels like gold # Gold # Gold to me # It's gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # Sing it, yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # All feels like gold # All gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # It all feels like gold # Gold to me # It ain't lost in silence # It's all good to me # All good to me # Yeah # Good to me # Yeah # Good to me # It's all good to me Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Andreya Triana! CHEERING What a voice.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's it.
That's the end of the show tonight, that's the end of the series.
Please put your hands together for all the acts you've seen tonight and everyone in the series and from me, thank you, goodnight and God bless.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE