The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e08 Episode Script

Now that sign says "applesauce.
" I'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once? All right.
Now remember, you're all a big part of the show so the better you are, the better Larry is.
You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign and it says we're on in ten seconds so get ready to have a good time.
All right, here we go.
In five, four, three, two Live, on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.
Tonight join Larry and his guests.
' Treat Williams, Helen Gurley Brown, Paula Poundstone and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.
And now, because he's so pumped up with adrenaline it would be a shame to waste it Larry Sanders! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Please.
Thank you very much.
Two big events coming up.
Two huge political events.
November 3, of course, is the election.
November 4 is the day Jerry Brown may drop out.
Perot dropped out because they wouldn't put a Supercuts in the White House.
Are these jokes to you, Hank? How's the monologue going? Not bad, Jerry, considering everything you wrote is dying.
- What about my favorite joke? - You mean your only joke? - Yeah.
- It's dying.
It was a fine show.
Not a "best of," but a fine, fine show.
The monologue was awful.
A piece of shit, but you're hilarious when you're bombing.
I've been getting a lot of practice lately.
What the hell's wrong with Jerry? He's a great head writer, but everybody goes through a slump from time to time.
- Everybody but you, of course.
- Shut up.
- Great show, Mr.
Sanders.
- Thank you, man.
Kyle, thanks.
- Kyle.
- Thank you again, Kyle.
- Who the hell is that? - Kyle.
- I assumed.
But who the hell is he? - Kyle? He's been our associate director for three months.
Three months.
We should find out if he has any head writing experience.
I'll check.
Have a good evening, gentlemen.
Come on, Beverly.
We're gonna be late.
- What's with those two? - Peas in a pod.
- Lesbians? - No, just friends.
- Close friends.
- Since when? Ever since they were in that car accident four years ago.
One of them can't get through a metal detector.
- Which one? - Which one do you think? How would I know? I don't even know who Kyle is.
Don't worry about Kyle or who's full of metal and who isn't.
Just concern yourself with the weightier issues.
Suzanne Somers tomorrow.
Do you want her to bring the ThighMaster? I'm completely out of touch with everything.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't want to be a guy who ends up isolated in some ivory tower.
- What are all these? - Bills.
- Can I help? - No.
What is this one? - $1,500 to AeroMexico.
- Really? - Are we going to Mexico? - No.
Our cleaning lady's mother died and so I lent her the money to send the body back to Honduras.
Couldn't get a Supersaver? - What is this one? - That's for a new garbage disposal.
Did we have trouble with the old garbage disposal? Was it clogging up? When you put the food down, it wouldn't grind? I'd really like to know about this stuff, get more involved.
Honey, why don't you try out the new chair? Is this a new Is this a new chair? - Yes.
- I did not know that.
Honey, you know your show's on.
I'm waiting for the monologue to be done with.
I can't watch it again for the second time.
Too much pain.
My head writer's not doing his job.
- What's Jerry's problem? - I don't know.
He's probably going through some emotional crisis or something.
I'm the head writer.
- Tell me again.
- I'm the head writer.
- Tell me again.
- I'm the head writer.
Thank you.
- This is very cold.
- I know.
This can't possibly be number 7 for 45 seconds.
I know, Larry, but I got distracted for a moment.
By what? Forget it.
It's not important.
Beverly, I want to know.
What could be more important than my burrito? - You're my boss, right? - Yes.
So, technically, I have no choice but to tell you.
- You mean legally.
- Yeah.
I just saw Jerry and Sally having sex.
Who's Sally? The new runner.
Right here in this building, on your set, right in back of your desk.
Jesus Christ.
Was my mug out there? 'Cause in this day and age, you can't They've been doing this for two weeks now.
Why didn't I know about this? It's office gossip.
You're above that sort of stuff.
I am not above that stuff.
I'm right at that level.
Tell me everything.
- How graphic do you want it? - Use your judgment.
Steer clear of the phrase "Jerry's penis" when I'm biting into this cold burrito.
- You got a minute? - Yeah.
Come on in.
- Then you come right back.
- Okay.
I'll go rinse out your mug and get you some fresh coffee.
- What is it, Phil? - I wanted to drop off these jokes.
Hope I'm not going over anybody's head, but I wanted you to get these on time.
Thanks.
Good.
This shows initiative, Phil.
Good job.
I kind of had to because my supervisor, if you will wasn't around.
So, I did these without any of his input.
It's just something I felt I had to do on my own.
Right.
I understand.
- Thanks.
- Okay.
You know I'm talking aboutJerry, right? He's really fucking up.
Now, all I'm asking for is a little floor monitor right to the side here so that I could maybe better follow all the action on the show.
But you're on the show.
I know, but sometimes, you know, I still I have trouble following.
We'll just give you a hot dog and a beer and you can sit there and watch it on a little TV like those guys do at a ball game.
I don't wanna eat anything.
Now, look, last week Charlton Heston leaned forward and I couldn't see Larry's eyes.
His eyes, they're my guidepost.
I can't see his eyes, I can't tell if he needs me.
All I could see was Mr.
Heston's rug and a bit of the back of Larry's jacket.
That's a tragedy.
You didn't appear hampered, and you did a wonderful job.
- One of your better efforts, in fact.
- Thank you.
You know what they say, "In the face of adversity.
" - Artie, could I talk to you a second? - Yeah.
Hey.
Artie.
- Yeah.
- What's he want, a dog? So, what's up? - It's aboutJerry and Sally.
- Fucking.
I know.
I knew you knew.
But do you know where? Behind your desk.
That's new carpeting, that little prick.
- I'm gonna talk to him.
- I wanna talk to him.
I'm not involved enough on a day-to-day basis with the show.
Most of the people in the office are only there to keep that day-to-day bullshit out of your hair.
You're not gonna enjoy this.
For me, it's a perk.
Kicking ass in the morning is better than cappuccino.
I know, and I appreciate that, but I wanna be connected.
I wanna be part of the loop.
It's taken us eight years to disconnect you the way you always wanted to be.
So keep this in mind: If I connect you, you will be connected.
- Fine.
Then connect me.
- Fine.
- Connected you will be.
- Good.
- Hey, Artie.
- Yeah? Do you ever notice that we get caught up in a certain kind of thought process? - Thought process? - Yeah, thought process.
- What thought process? - Like the one we're involved in now.
- We should try and put a stop to it.
- Fine.
- Stop it we shall do.
- Good.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm really beat.
Why don't you just lay down, take a little nap.
Yeah, what the hey.
Wow, I can feel the magic in here.
- Can I talk toJerry alone? - Sure.
Come on, guys.
Let's get outta here.
- How's it goin', Jer? - Fine.
You know you're not fooling anybody.
I know what's going on between you and Sally.
Who told you? You were humping behind my desk.
We're all talking about it.
- Jesus.
- Geez.
Pretty inappropriate behavior, don't you think? Yeah.
Look, you have a big future ahead of you.
Don't risk it over some woman you don't really Here are your pens, Jerry.
I'm going to the kitchen.
You want some soup? Yeah.
Chicken noodle's good.
- Mr.
Sanders, would you like soup? - Sure, that sounds good.
Thank you.
She's cute.
Way to go.
I've been around.
I once had a relationship with a girl when I was a writer on Norm Crosby's Comedy Shop.
I was having a thing with one of the secretaries.
- What happened? - Norm pulled me aside.
He says, " I heard you're having one of those 'interorifice' relationships with one of the girls in the Sterno pool.
" - So, did he fire you? - I quit.
- I can't write that malaprop shit.
- What happened? I said, " This job is a pain in the bass" and I got outta there.
- All right, so I can write it.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, get it together.
Come on.
- I will.
- All right? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Geez.
- How'd the talk go? - Fine.
It's not too late to take you out of the loop.
- I said it went fine.
- You enjoy being connected? Interesting.
Yes.
Geez.
The newsletter's about ready to go out.
All I need now is the "Hank's Thoughts" column.
Right.
Right.
You want some? No, thanks.
Thoughts.
Thoughts.
It's October and we all know what that means.
If Princess Di were here I'd tell her, "Hang in there.
" I'd kill for a Dreamsicle right now.
Maybe it's me, but I think Sharon Gless should be on TV every night.
If I had my druthers there would be no more world hunger.
- What do you think? - A couple more.
I sure do miss the Cowsills.
That miniskirted mom sure was sexy: Jesus! I think that's Jerry and Sally fucking in the parking lot.
Wow! I am telling you, nothing beats that missionary position.
I think I have enough.
Yeah, hurry up.
Put it in the computer and get it out to the fans.
I might just do a little editing.
We never edit "Hank's Thoughts.
" Fine.
- Hey, Hank.
- Jesus.
Come here.
- Listen - Come here! - Don't make me look at your car again.
- Look! What? Jesus, I just talked to him.
Yeah, get a load of that.
That little rat bastard.
I thought you had a talk with him.
- I did.
- Hell of a lot of good it did.
If he bangs her any harder, the air bags are going to inflate.
- Hey now! - Hey, you little shit! Enjoy yourself, 'cause you're going to be fired! Look.
It didn't even faze him.
Mr.
Connected, are you going to do the firing? You bet.
Wow.
I thought I had a hairy ass.
Not that I haven't done it in a car in a parking lot butJesus Christ! I can't help it.
My old girlfriend dumped me, and I felt like shit.
Suddenly this girl comes around and says I remind her of her teddy bear.
What am I supposed to do? You saw her.
The last thing in the world I wanna do is let you down.
Anything that you do to me, I deserve it.
I'm worthless as a writer and as a man.
I need help.
I'm addicted, and I need a program.
Hey, excuse me, Larry.
- Extra stuff for tonight's monologue.
- Great.
Hey, Jerry.
What's the matter? You got a cold? Anyway, there's some generics and a couple of political things.
In fact, I think I've cracked that Ross Perot sketch.
- We'll talk about that later.
- Thank you.
Take care of yourself, buddy.
Kiss-ass.
- Were you talking to me or yourself? - I was talking to you.
The only reason you're able to write so much is 'cause you never get laid.
Yeah, well, at least I'm not porking the runners.
Hey, there's breakable stuff in here plaques, so forth.
Thank you.
Good.
- Please? - I'm going.
Hope you like the jokes.
Chynna Phillips wants to do the show by herself.
- Fine.
Book her.
What else? - Sean Young.
- Got it.
- What else? My boyfriend.
- Is he on the show? - No.
You know how you said we could discuss things with you other than business? Yeah.
Absolutely.
- Forget it.
It's stupid.
- Come on.
Forget it.
- Okay, 'cause here I am.
- I know.
Thank you.
I know.
Thanks.
All the stress is dissolving.
Picture yourself by a lake in Connecticut and the only sounds you hear are that of birds and lapping water - Larry? - Paula? What's on your mind? Oh, God.
What isn't on my mind? Do you mind if I start at the beginning, and we'll work from there? This is so wrong.
If he catches us, he's gonna kill us.
He's gonna fire me.
- Are you really the head writer? - You know I am.
We can't do this.
I gotta be strong.
I'm gonna go watch the show.
Come on.
I'm not quite sure whether I really like him or I'm just using him to give me the attention that I need because I felt so lonely after Radu and all that bullshit.
You know, I have a show to do.
But here's a little advice.
What I would do is It sounds to me like, with Eddie, you get a lot of boyfriends at once.
So I would stay with him.
Okay? Number two: I'd buy the car.
I think it's over your price range, but you'll feel good about yourself.
Number three: Put your mother in a nursing home.
Don't even give it a second thought.
You don't do many talk shows.
Why is that? Well, because Well, on a movie you've got you've got a couple of months to work on an idea that you're gonna express.
But here on a talk show, you've gotta get that same idea across in 3½ minutes.
- 3½ minutes is - I'm sorry, Peter.
We have to take a commercial break.
Can you hold that thought? Good.
We'll be right back with Peter Falk.
Clear.
Don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again.
What's that? I said, don't ask me back on this fuckin' show again.
This is delightful.
Just delightful.
I know this guy, your producer.
He's bad news.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
"Delightful"? Delightful, my ass.
I'm sorry you had to have this son of a bitch on the show.
You wanna go? Let's go! Right here, right now! - You guys are - I love this son of a bitch! You guys are somethin'.
- Look at this guy.
- You guys are wild.
What's goin' on up there? - Up where? - There, on the stairwell.
That's our head writer making out with his girlfriend.
Sorry you had to see this, Peter.
Yeah, what you must think of us.
Well, it's nothin' I haven't seen before but not in a room full of 250 people.
Back in five.
I wanna see those two in my office after the show.
We're back with Peter Falk.
This kidnapping episode on Columbo was a departure for you, wasn't it? Yeah I'm sorry.
What was the question? The kidnapping episode on Columbo that you did that was I am in the middle of a Peter Falk interview, and we see you doing that? - What are you thinking? - Sally and I are very much in love.
- Geez! - We are spontaneous people.
But Hold on.
How often in life do you find someone - Mr.
Sanders, can I say something? - Please.
I've accepted a position on Saturday Night Live as a talent coordinator.
- What? - I'll be leaving for New York Tuesday.
- When were you planning on telling me? - I didn't know when to tell you.
This is a good time.
I don't think you were ever gonna tell me.
- I was gonna tell you tonight.
- Were you really gonna tell me? Anytime is a good time for honest communication.
This is a good start.
I can't believe this.
I put every - Would you - I put everything on the line for you.
Jerry, what did you think this was? We had a great time, but this is another great opportunity for me.
- In New York! - Okay.
Good.
You'll have time away from each other, test the relationship.
This is very positive.
Besides, this gives me a chance to be with my boyfriend again.
- You have a boyfriend? - Yes! He's a writer on the Letterman show.
That is wrong on so many levels.
I don't know where to start.
- Got a minute for some sketch ideas? - Not now.
They may be rough.
Pitching in the dark 'cause I haven't had much direction.
- You son of a - Son of a what? - Son of a bitch! - You taking a little nooky break? Thank you.
- You've been riding my ass all week! - Hello? Meeting? - I've been saving your ass! - Saving my ass? My ass! Jesus, go get a job on The Byron Allen Show.
Bump it down three points.
Keep going.
- That's it.
Take five.
- Excuse me.
Sorry.
Artie, you gotta disconnect me.
- You couldn't fireJohnny Big Balls? - It's a lot more than that.
These people, they're like leeches, I'm telling you.
They sense a life force, and they just suck the energy out of you.
- You gotta help me.
- I warned you, didn't I? It's harder to disconnect than it is to connect.
I just want out of the loop.
This is a bad, evil loop.
Get me out.
Please? - I'm begging you.
- Well, l Artie, don't do this.
- What about the girl? - The girl took care of herself.
She got a job Saturday Night Live.
Talent coordinator.
Lorne Michaels and I go back to when he was trying to get his green card.
We're like that.
Son of a bitch.
- Thank you, Artie.
- It's all right.
Listen, I told Paula not to put her mother in a nursing home.
See, that's where you and I really disagree, now, okay? She's 53, fit as a fiddle.
I did not know that.
Guys, excuse me.
Have you seen Darlene? - What's the matter? - Just a little newsletter mix-up.
I saw Darlene.
She was FedEx-ing a whole stack of these things.
Shit.