The McCarthys (2014) s01e08 Episode Script
Red Sox Swap
1 All right, let's fire it up.
Wow.
With the lights, I can really see the quality of your ornaments.
Maybe lose the lights.
Gerard: I'd listen to her.
My gal's a tastemaker.
Well, that's clear from the baby Jesus earrings she's wearing.
Ah, there's no place like home for the holidays.
This isn't your home.
Dad, you can't put a damper on my Christmas cheer.
'Cause I just bought the best gift ever for the swap.
What's the big one talking about? Ah, babe, this will be your first Christmas Eve with us.
Every year, we do this white elephant gift exchange.
Oh, like a yankee swap.
- Katrina! - Jackie: Come on! Shut your mouth! Katrina, this is a Red Sox house.
We do not use the "y" word here.
That's why when I was nine, I named our gift exchange "the Red Sox swap.
" That was the day that Ronny talked sports.
(Knocking on door) Hi, Mr.
McCarthy.
I wanted to give you my January rent in case I'm crying too hard to come down and give it to you later.
Okay.
Thanks, Pam.
Marjorie: Wait.
Pam, what's the matter? My boyfriend came over last night.
Thought he was gonna propose.
Instead, he dumped me.
Anyway, happy holidays.
Marjorie: Pam You poor thing.
Why don't you join us for Christmas Eve? That would be nice, thank you.
Uh, wait, Pam.
Take your check back.
Really? Yeah, 'cause on the first of the year, the rent goes up three percent.
You forgot.
Bring it on Christmas Eve.
She's a sad, lonely mess.
Oh, that reminds me.
Ronny I met someone who would be perfect for you.
Sean, you once tried to set me up with a lesbian.
You had just come out.
I didn't know your type.
- But this guy - "Guy"! Already sounding better.
He's handsome, and he's French, and he's a balloonist.
Sounding worse.
No, you misunderstand me.
He works with balloons.
Do me a favor.
Casually follow me into the kitchen.
Got it.
(Chuckles) Excuse me.
Ronny, I need help.
How do I tell ma I'm spending Christmas day with Katrina and her family? What?! No one's ever not been here on Christmas.
You got to tell her right away.
Rip off the band-aid.
You're right, Ronny, rip it right off.
I'm making coffee cake Christmas morning, Gerard, your favorite.
Ma, I got to tell you something about Christmas day.
It's when we celebrate the birth of Jesus.
And here I was throwing a party for the little guy on labor day.
You are so intimidated by mom.
Marjorie: Ronny, can you bring me the ladle? Coming, mom! Ladle.
Ladle, where's the damn ladle? Ladle, where is the damn ladle? Oh, thank God.
She'll get it when she gets it.
Marjorie: Ronny! Hey, everybody.
Merry Christmas Eve.
All: Merry Christmas! Ps maybe take care of the ice on your front walkway.
I almost slipped and broke my neck.
Well, there's always the walk back to the car.
When you should also be cautious.
Oh Or you could always throw a bunch of salt down.
I know you've got plenty lying around.
I tasted your "fill in the blank.
" Ugh.
(Laughs forcedly) You two.
Zing.
Zing.
It's like a holiday zing-a-long in here.
(Doorbell rings) Oh, this must be Ronny's date.
Wait, French balloon guy? I told you "no.
" I knew you had a strong opinion on it, but I couldn't remember what it was.
I parked my reindeer in your driveway.
Is that okay? Just kidding.
I found a meter.
You all remember Phillip from my church choir.
I thought you couldn't make it.
My flight to Minnesota was grounded.
For sneaking out at night with a boy.
Kidding.
Blizzard.
I'm glad you're here, Phillip.
It's nice to have a fun gay in the house.
Excuse me? You know what I mean Phillip's fun and you're not.
Bonjour.
Ah, hey, everyone.
Meet Maurice.
Where are your balloons? Oh, no "balloon.
" Bassoon.
- I play with symphony.
- Sean: Oh.
So you're not a balloonist; You're a bassoonist.
Sorry, Ronny, you want me to get rid of him? No, maybe get rid of everyone else.
Maurice, this is my brother, Ronny.
Hello, Ronny.
Hi oh.
Come on, Ronny, act like you've been there.
Gerard: So, Maurice, I guess Sean didn't tell you to bring a gift.
Oh, that's all right.
I can take him down to the corner store.
We can pick something up.
Or I can.
Either way, you or me.
I'll pick randomly.
Me.
Word is it's slippery out there.
Hold my hand.
(Crying) (Gasps) Merry Christmas.
Yeah, it is! Sorry I'm late.
My abdominals seized up from sobbing so hard, and I couldn't put on my pants.
Ah, Pam.
Did you bring the rent? I'll be right back.
Okay, each of you is holding a number and an idol paper.
On your turn, you can either open a gift, or you can steal one from someone else.
The idols are wild cards with special powers that you can only use once.
Got it? I think no.
You're pretty.
People will help you.
Jake and I used to play games.
We still have an unfinished monopoly game on the table.
It's like a tiny ghost town.
Glad you could make it, Pam.
Ooh, my idol says "gong master.
" What does that mean? You get to hit the gong to start the game.
Well, seems a little over the top, but I'll make do! (Laughs) All right, I'm number one.
And I will open This guy.
Ah.
Look, ma.
It's an owl.
I hope no one steals it.
My mom loves owls.
So, every year, my dad puts one in, and my mom makes sure she ends up with it.
- Kind of a thing.
- "Kind of a thing"? That's love.
Hang onto it.
Pull it together, Pam.
I am the next.
(Clears throat) The lucky recipient of this certificate gets to be the godparent of Jackie McCarthy's baby.
Wow.
Well, I knew my brothers would all really want to be the godfather, and I couldn't think of a fair way to pick one of them.
Wow, what a heartwarming way to save 20 bucks.
Okay, I'm next.
I can either take the owl, or I could be the godparent to the grandchild that I'm probably gonna be raising anyway.
I take the owl! Which leaves me empty-handed.
Well, Gerard, it looks like the godparent certificate's available.
Someone should film this.
It's gonna be touching.
I'm gonna open a new one.
- What? - Say it again, Gerard.
I missed it.
A lottery scratcher and turkey jerky? Hey, French, this is why we buy our gifts in advance.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm up.
Well, Sean, Gerard hurtfully passed on the most valuable gift here, but you have a chance to Baseball bobblehead.
(Giggles) Male voice: Strike three! That is cool.
"Strike three"" Well, it's my turn, unless this mensa meeting is still going on over here.
What the hell is this? Tin of dirt? Even better that's ma's famous nut loaf.
Yes, Katrina.
You mistook my famous nut loaf for a tin of dirt.
Nut loaf? I am deathly allergic to nuts.
If I eat them, I die.
Marjorie, come back.
Yes, uh okay, Katrina, I will make sure that there are no nuts in the coffee cake tomorrow.
Nut it up all you want tomorrow.
We're not gonna be here.
Marjorie: Uh What do you mean, "we"? Wait, you didn't tell her? No, I was waiting for you to blurt it out during a festive game.
Ma, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow for Christmas.
I'm gonna spend it with Katrina's family.
(Gong rings) I thought I'd do start of game and dramatic moments.
And we're back in.
We're here tonight, ma.
Well, tonight is not Christmas.
Tomorrow is Christmas.
We don't run off and spend Christmas with just anyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Just anyone"? I am not just anyone.
I am his fiancée.
And I'm gonna be your daughter-in-law.
Ugh.
I'm sorry, what did you say? Oh, I'm sorry, I said (imitates throwing up a little) Wow, okay.
Well, given that, I think I'm gonna say "no, thank you" to the gift of anaphylactic shock And steal (Sean imitates buzzer) Sorry, you can't steal a gift once you already opened one.
Guests just don't get it.
Sorry, I'm doing the best I can.
So I guess I can't trade.
Oh, wait, what's this? (Gasps) It's a dumb idol.
Hmm.
"Force any trade.
" Huh.
Well, maybe I just don't get it, but it seems to me I could trade for anything.
Is that true? That is true.
I didn't say that.
Then I think I'm gonna trade my toxic baked good for um Don't.
Don't.
(Whispering): Please don't.
The owl.
As promised.
Who does Katrina think she is? On Christmas Eve, she takes my owl.
On Christmas day, she takes my boy? She's like What's the opposite of Santa claus? I don't know.
A rabbi? Yes, Arthur.
You read my mind.
She's rabbinical.
Katrina, she's gonna be your mother-in-law.
You gotta try to get along with her.
Oh, I need to try? She called me "just anyone," Gerard.
Plus, she tried to kill me with a nut loaf.
You're a nut loaf.
You're a hot nut loaf.
- Ooh - Mmm.
No, not now! Angry.
I thought my idiot brothers would be fighting over that godfather certificate.
Honey, what you did was beautiful.
Don't let their negativity bring you down.
You are the north star.
You are frankincense.
You are myrrh! How many eggnogs have you had? Nine.
Is there alcohol in this? I'm getting that owl back.
And you're gonna help me.
On your turn, you steal the nut loaf from me, and then I steal the owl back from Katrina.
Got it? I have a confession.
I have no idea how that game is played.
How long have you been a musician? My father was in the army.
I feel like we're really clicking.
- Mmm.
- Right? So did you see it coming? No.
Jake and I would always talk about the future.
I guess you just never really know what's in someone's heart.
No, I mean did you know Katrina was gonna take the owl? Oh.
Yeah, I had a hunch.
All right, everybody, break's over.
Number six can go.
But I just got here! (Giggles) No, I knew what you meant.
I'm never leaving! And I choose The godparent certificate.
You're welcome.
I wanted one of my family members to take it.
Shh.
Let's not fight in front of our baby.
So now I take The baseball man.
Well, Pam, looks like we've each lost a special guy.
Yeah.
Yours was a doll, but yeah.
Oh, my God.
Box seats to a Red Sox game.
- No way.
- Holy crap.
But there was a $20 limit.
I got them free at work.
There was an employee-of-the-month competition, and I bullied the guy who won into giving them to me.
Okay, I'm seven.
My turn.
Arthur, don't forget how much you love my nut loaf.
I'm taking the Red Sox tickets.
We had a plan.
And a parking pass.
Oh, man! "This gift entitles you to one performance of an improvised Christmas poem.
" A poem? Boo.
That's what everybody says.
And then they get their poem.
Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God" what, Gerard? Oh, my God, Sean got a poem.
You scratched off that lottery ticket, didn't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have accused you.
This game brings out some ugly - Oh! - I knew it! 500 bucks! Gong! I lost my mallet.
Wow, $500.
We could use it to buy a spotlight to shine on my owl.
(Mumbling) Uh, what'd you say? I said I have a stupid itch.
I'm number eight, and I'm taking the money, itches.
Well, okay.
I want the Sox tickets.
And the parking pass.
Arthur, now you get to trade for something.
What? The nut loaf? What? No way.
Okay, good stuff.
My turn.
Hey, Katrina.
Owl me.
(Clears throat) Fine.
I'll just take the money.
You cannot, because gift can only be stolen once per turn.
(Gasps) Katrina: Seriously? This guy makes sense once all night, and it costs me 500 bucks? All right.
What do we got here? Sexy Christmas music, mistletoe, peppermint oil.
I originally made that for Jake.
Pam, you little ViXen.
You were setting up some reindeer games.
I like your gift, sad woman.
The peppermint oil is great for the massage yes? I'm number nine, and I'll take the massage from Maurice.
Or whatever it is.
Give it.
Okay, well, it's a new turn, so I guess I can steal anything.
Uh-oh.
I think I see where this is going.
I think we all do.
Say good-bye to that bobblehead, Maurice.
Maybe we all don't.
I'll take the owl back.
Hmm.
See? Good things do happen to good people.
Well, I must be a good person, too, because look at this.
Just to be clear, neither of you are good people.
It's my idol.
It says "go fish.
" And if I'm not mistaken, it allows me to force someone to open a new gift rather than to steal one.
Why didn't you use it the first time she stole it? She didn't steal it, Arthur.
She force-traded it with her idol.
You can't use an idol against an idol.
These rules are not all that complicated.
All I know is that I had Red Sox tickets and now I have a loaf.
Well, all I know is I'm the one who Has the owl.
Fine with me, 'cause I got Oh.
A puzzle.
Yay.
A toy from before they invented fun.
Who's next? I'll take the bobblehead.
I think it's fun.
Gerard: Yeah, because fun's the agenda you've been pushing all night, Pam.
Murder mystery kit.
Mystery, plus costumes, plus recipes.
It's a party in a box.
Wow.
Maurice opened that turd when he could've had a winning lottery ticket.
Worst move of the night.
Worse than sad Sally leaving two Sox tickets on the table? Leave her alone.
What's she gonna do with a second ticket? (Talking over each other) Stop it! Everyone stop! What is wrong with you people? You fight and insult and steal and tell your guests that bathroom breaks are for the weak.
And you try to pass off a murder mystery kit as a good present.
Hey! You know it.
Now I am going to use my idol.
Everyone, pass your gift to the left.
(All gasp) Yeah, that's right.
You poke a squirrel, get ready to dodge some nuts.
Did you take the bobblehead so you could pass it to me? You'll never know.
Huh.
Nobody passed anything to me.
Marjorie? (Clangs) I found my mallet.
Sorry.
Got stuck.
Well, that was fun for me.
I drew first, so I get to make a final trade.
I'm gonna steal the lottery scratcher.
Thanks, Pam.
Great speech, by the way.
The gifts are locked.
Game over.
Seriously? Not one of my brothers even attempted to steal the godparent certificate.
So, now, I am my own baby's godparent.
Congratulations.
Oh.
What? It just kicked.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Not that any of you care.
Well, this party's dead, and I know just who did it.
Just kidding.
I love my gift.
Hey, uh, we were talking in the other room, and we have something to say.
Don't mind me.
I'm eavesdropping.
We wanted to offer you a final trade.
So hand over that godparent certificate.
- Really? - Sean: Yeah.
I'm gonna hit someone.
All three of us want to be the godfather.
Aw.
Thanks, you guys.
And seeing how we stole your gift, here's 500 bucks.
And the Red Sox tickets.
And Well, good luck to you.
Sean? Here.
He can teach your baby how to nod.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
All: Merry Christmas.
Well done, boys.
Tell your mother she raised you right.
That baby didn't kick.
It's the size of a jalapeño popper.
You were playing them the whole time.
It worked.
Jackie, that is deceitful and manipulative.
You are gonna be a great mother.
Ma? Katrina wants to say something to you.
Katrina? Okay.
(Clears throat) Listen, I'm sorry if I caused some tension tonight.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry if I referred to you as "just anyone.
" Katrina, you are really Someone.
Aw.
Thanks, Marj.
And in the spirit of compromise, we're gonna spend half the day here tomorrow before we go to my ma's.
Really? You're gonna be here half the day? That's 12 hours.
Maybe come at 10:00, leave at 10:00? No Bye, ma.
Narrator: When the game had concluded and the dust had all cleared, a funny thing happened.
Kindness appeared.
The kindness they liked it.
They liked it a lot.
It even brought lightness to a place that was not.
Sean Hey, when you're done pretending to be a plant, maybe I could give you a kiss.
Narrator: 'Twas pleasant to be done with the fights and the rants.
The door was then open for Christmas romance.
What's this? It's my backup owl.
I've had it since 1996.
Just in case.
Oh Thank you, Arthur.
What gift did you end up with, anyway? I got Phil's improvised poem.
I wasn't finished, by the way.
(Narrator voice): Phillip was interrupted but stood brave and stood tall to wish merry Christmas to one and to all.
Ooh! That was good, right? Can I sleep here tonight? I cannot drive home.
Wow.
With the lights, I can really see the quality of your ornaments.
Maybe lose the lights.
Gerard: I'd listen to her.
My gal's a tastemaker.
Well, that's clear from the baby Jesus earrings she's wearing.
Ah, there's no place like home for the holidays.
This isn't your home.
Dad, you can't put a damper on my Christmas cheer.
'Cause I just bought the best gift ever for the swap.
What's the big one talking about? Ah, babe, this will be your first Christmas Eve with us.
Every year, we do this white elephant gift exchange.
Oh, like a yankee swap.
- Katrina! - Jackie: Come on! Shut your mouth! Katrina, this is a Red Sox house.
We do not use the "y" word here.
That's why when I was nine, I named our gift exchange "the Red Sox swap.
" That was the day that Ronny talked sports.
(Knocking on door) Hi, Mr.
McCarthy.
I wanted to give you my January rent in case I'm crying too hard to come down and give it to you later.
Okay.
Thanks, Pam.
Marjorie: Wait.
Pam, what's the matter? My boyfriend came over last night.
Thought he was gonna propose.
Instead, he dumped me.
Anyway, happy holidays.
Marjorie: Pam You poor thing.
Why don't you join us for Christmas Eve? That would be nice, thank you.
Uh, wait, Pam.
Take your check back.
Really? Yeah, 'cause on the first of the year, the rent goes up three percent.
You forgot.
Bring it on Christmas Eve.
She's a sad, lonely mess.
Oh, that reminds me.
Ronny I met someone who would be perfect for you.
Sean, you once tried to set me up with a lesbian.
You had just come out.
I didn't know your type.
- But this guy - "Guy"! Already sounding better.
He's handsome, and he's French, and he's a balloonist.
Sounding worse.
No, you misunderstand me.
He works with balloons.
Do me a favor.
Casually follow me into the kitchen.
Got it.
(Chuckles) Excuse me.
Ronny, I need help.
How do I tell ma I'm spending Christmas day with Katrina and her family? What?! No one's ever not been here on Christmas.
You got to tell her right away.
Rip off the band-aid.
You're right, Ronny, rip it right off.
I'm making coffee cake Christmas morning, Gerard, your favorite.
Ma, I got to tell you something about Christmas day.
It's when we celebrate the birth of Jesus.
And here I was throwing a party for the little guy on labor day.
You are so intimidated by mom.
Marjorie: Ronny, can you bring me the ladle? Coming, mom! Ladle.
Ladle, where's the damn ladle? Ladle, where is the damn ladle? Oh, thank God.
She'll get it when she gets it.
Marjorie: Ronny! Hey, everybody.
Merry Christmas Eve.
All: Merry Christmas! Ps maybe take care of the ice on your front walkway.
I almost slipped and broke my neck.
Well, there's always the walk back to the car.
When you should also be cautious.
Oh Or you could always throw a bunch of salt down.
I know you've got plenty lying around.
I tasted your "fill in the blank.
" Ugh.
(Laughs forcedly) You two.
Zing.
Zing.
It's like a holiday zing-a-long in here.
(Doorbell rings) Oh, this must be Ronny's date.
Wait, French balloon guy? I told you "no.
" I knew you had a strong opinion on it, but I couldn't remember what it was.
I parked my reindeer in your driveway.
Is that okay? Just kidding.
I found a meter.
You all remember Phillip from my church choir.
I thought you couldn't make it.
My flight to Minnesota was grounded.
For sneaking out at night with a boy.
Kidding.
Blizzard.
I'm glad you're here, Phillip.
It's nice to have a fun gay in the house.
Excuse me? You know what I mean Phillip's fun and you're not.
Bonjour.
Ah, hey, everyone.
Meet Maurice.
Where are your balloons? Oh, no "balloon.
" Bassoon.
- I play with symphony.
- Sean: Oh.
So you're not a balloonist; You're a bassoonist.
Sorry, Ronny, you want me to get rid of him? No, maybe get rid of everyone else.
Maurice, this is my brother, Ronny.
Hello, Ronny.
Hi oh.
Come on, Ronny, act like you've been there.
Gerard: So, Maurice, I guess Sean didn't tell you to bring a gift.
Oh, that's all right.
I can take him down to the corner store.
We can pick something up.
Or I can.
Either way, you or me.
I'll pick randomly.
Me.
Word is it's slippery out there.
Hold my hand.
(Crying) (Gasps) Merry Christmas.
Yeah, it is! Sorry I'm late.
My abdominals seized up from sobbing so hard, and I couldn't put on my pants.
Ah, Pam.
Did you bring the rent? I'll be right back.
Okay, each of you is holding a number and an idol paper.
On your turn, you can either open a gift, or you can steal one from someone else.
The idols are wild cards with special powers that you can only use once.
Got it? I think no.
You're pretty.
People will help you.
Jake and I used to play games.
We still have an unfinished monopoly game on the table.
It's like a tiny ghost town.
Glad you could make it, Pam.
Ooh, my idol says "gong master.
" What does that mean? You get to hit the gong to start the game.
Well, seems a little over the top, but I'll make do! (Laughs) All right, I'm number one.
And I will open This guy.
Ah.
Look, ma.
It's an owl.
I hope no one steals it.
My mom loves owls.
So, every year, my dad puts one in, and my mom makes sure she ends up with it.
- Kind of a thing.
- "Kind of a thing"? That's love.
Hang onto it.
Pull it together, Pam.
I am the next.
(Clears throat) The lucky recipient of this certificate gets to be the godparent of Jackie McCarthy's baby.
Wow.
Well, I knew my brothers would all really want to be the godfather, and I couldn't think of a fair way to pick one of them.
Wow, what a heartwarming way to save 20 bucks.
Okay, I'm next.
I can either take the owl, or I could be the godparent to the grandchild that I'm probably gonna be raising anyway.
I take the owl! Which leaves me empty-handed.
Well, Gerard, it looks like the godparent certificate's available.
Someone should film this.
It's gonna be touching.
I'm gonna open a new one.
- What? - Say it again, Gerard.
I missed it.
A lottery scratcher and turkey jerky? Hey, French, this is why we buy our gifts in advance.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm up.
Well, Sean, Gerard hurtfully passed on the most valuable gift here, but you have a chance to Baseball bobblehead.
(Giggles) Male voice: Strike three! That is cool.
"Strike three"" Well, it's my turn, unless this mensa meeting is still going on over here.
What the hell is this? Tin of dirt? Even better that's ma's famous nut loaf.
Yes, Katrina.
You mistook my famous nut loaf for a tin of dirt.
Nut loaf? I am deathly allergic to nuts.
If I eat them, I die.
Marjorie, come back.
Yes, uh okay, Katrina, I will make sure that there are no nuts in the coffee cake tomorrow.
Nut it up all you want tomorrow.
We're not gonna be here.
Marjorie: Uh What do you mean, "we"? Wait, you didn't tell her? No, I was waiting for you to blurt it out during a festive game.
Ma, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow for Christmas.
I'm gonna spend it with Katrina's family.
(Gong rings) I thought I'd do start of game and dramatic moments.
And we're back in.
We're here tonight, ma.
Well, tonight is not Christmas.
Tomorrow is Christmas.
We don't run off and spend Christmas with just anyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Just anyone"? I am not just anyone.
I am his fiancée.
And I'm gonna be your daughter-in-law.
Ugh.
I'm sorry, what did you say? Oh, I'm sorry, I said (imitates throwing up a little) Wow, okay.
Well, given that, I think I'm gonna say "no, thank you" to the gift of anaphylactic shock And steal (Sean imitates buzzer) Sorry, you can't steal a gift once you already opened one.
Guests just don't get it.
Sorry, I'm doing the best I can.
So I guess I can't trade.
Oh, wait, what's this? (Gasps) It's a dumb idol.
Hmm.
"Force any trade.
" Huh.
Well, maybe I just don't get it, but it seems to me I could trade for anything.
Is that true? That is true.
I didn't say that.
Then I think I'm gonna trade my toxic baked good for um Don't.
Don't.
(Whispering): Please don't.
The owl.
As promised.
Who does Katrina think she is? On Christmas Eve, she takes my owl.
On Christmas day, she takes my boy? She's like What's the opposite of Santa claus? I don't know.
A rabbi? Yes, Arthur.
You read my mind.
She's rabbinical.
Katrina, she's gonna be your mother-in-law.
You gotta try to get along with her.
Oh, I need to try? She called me "just anyone," Gerard.
Plus, she tried to kill me with a nut loaf.
You're a nut loaf.
You're a hot nut loaf.
- Ooh - Mmm.
No, not now! Angry.
I thought my idiot brothers would be fighting over that godfather certificate.
Honey, what you did was beautiful.
Don't let their negativity bring you down.
You are the north star.
You are frankincense.
You are myrrh! How many eggnogs have you had? Nine.
Is there alcohol in this? I'm getting that owl back.
And you're gonna help me.
On your turn, you steal the nut loaf from me, and then I steal the owl back from Katrina.
Got it? I have a confession.
I have no idea how that game is played.
How long have you been a musician? My father was in the army.
I feel like we're really clicking.
- Mmm.
- Right? So did you see it coming? No.
Jake and I would always talk about the future.
I guess you just never really know what's in someone's heart.
No, I mean did you know Katrina was gonna take the owl? Oh.
Yeah, I had a hunch.
All right, everybody, break's over.
Number six can go.
But I just got here! (Giggles) No, I knew what you meant.
I'm never leaving! And I choose The godparent certificate.
You're welcome.
I wanted one of my family members to take it.
Shh.
Let's not fight in front of our baby.
So now I take The baseball man.
Well, Pam, looks like we've each lost a special guy.
Yeah.
Yours was a doll, but yeah.
Oh, my God.
Box seats to a Red Sox game.
- No way.
- Holy crap.
But there was a $20 limit.
I got them free at work.
There was an employee-of-the-month competition, and I bullied the guy who won into giving them to me.
Okay, I'm seven.
My turn.
Arthur, don't forget how much you love my nut loaf.
I'm taking the Red Sox tickets.
We had a plan.
And a parking pass.
Oh, man! "This gift entitles you to one performance of an improvised Christmas poem.
" A poem? Boo.
That's what everybody says.
And then they get their poem.
Oh, my God.
"Oh, my God" what, Gerard? Oh, my God, Sean got a poem.
You scratched off that lottery ticket, didn't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have accused you.
This game brings out some ugly - Oh! - I knew it! 500 bucks! Gong! I lost my mallet.
Wow, $500.
We could use it to buy a spotlight to shine on my owl.
(Mumbling) Uh, what'd you say? I said I have a stupid itch.
I'm number eight, and I'm taking the money, itches.
Well, okay.
I want the Sox tickets.
And the parking pass.
Arthur, now you get to trade for something.
What? The nut loaf? What? No way.
Okay, good stuff.
My turn.
Hey, Katrina.
Owl me.
(Clears throat) Fine.
I'll just take the money.
You cannot, because gift can only be stolen once per turn.
(Gasps) Katrina: Seriously? This guy makes sense once all night, and it costs me 500 bucks? All right.
What do we got here? Sexy Christmas music, mistletoe, peppermint oil.
I originally made that for Jake.
Pam, you little ViXen.
You were setting up some reindeer games.
I like your gift, sad woman.
The peppermint oil is great for the massage yes? I'm number nine, and I'll take the massage from Maurice.
Or whatever it is.
Give it.
Okay, well, it's a new turn, so I guess I can steal anything.
Uh-oh.
I think I see where this is going.
I think we all do.
Say good-bye to that bobblehead, Maurice.
Maybe we all don't.
I'll take the owl back.
Hmm.
See? Good things do happen to good people.
Well, I must be a good person, too, because look at this.
Just to be clear, neither of you are good people.
It's my idol.
It says "go fish.
" And if I'm not mistaken, it allows me to force someone to open a new gift rather than to steal one.
Why didn't you use it the first time she stole it? She didn't steal it, Arthur.
She force-traded it with her idol.
You can't use an idol against an idol.
These rules are not all that complicated.
All I know is that I had Red Sox tickets and now I have a loaf.
Well, all I know is I'm the one who Has the owl.
Fine with me, 'cause I got Oh.
A puzzle.
Yay.
A toy from before they invented fun.
Who's next? I'll take the bobblehead.
I think it's fun.
Gerard: Yeah, because fun's the agenda you've been pushing all night, Pam.
Murder mystery kit.
Mystery, plus costumes, plus recipes.
It's a party in a box.
Wow.
Maurice opened that turd when he could've had a winning lottery ticket.
Worst move of the night.
Worse than sad Sally leaving two Sox tickets on the table? Leave her alone.
What's she gonna do with a second ticket? (Talking over each other) Stop it! Everyone stop! What is wrong with you people? You fight and insult and steal and tell your guests that bathroom breaks are for the weak.
And you try to pass off a murder mystery kit as a good present.
Hey! You know it.
Now I am going to use my idol.
Everyone, pass your gift to the left.
(All gasp) Yeah, that's right.
You poke a squirrel, get ready to dodge some nuts.
Did you take the bobblehead so you could pass it to me? You'll never know.
Huh.
Nobody passed anything to me.
Marjorie? (Clangs) I found my mallet.
Sorry.
Got stuck.
Well, that was fun for me.
I drew first, so I get to make a final trade.
I'm gonna steal the lottery scratcher.
Thanks, Pam.
Great speech, by the way.
The gifts are locked.
Game over.
Seriously? Not one of my brothers even attempted to steal the godparent certificate.
So, now, I am my own baby's godparent.
Congratulations.
Oh.
What? It just kicked.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Not that any of you care.
Well, this party's dead, and I know just who did it.
Just kidding.
I love my gift.
Hey, uh, we were talking in the other room, and we have something to say.
Don't mind me.
I'm eavesdropping.
We wanted to offer you a final trade.
So hand over that godparent certificate.
- Really? - Sean: Yeah.
I'm gonna hit someone.
All three of us want to be the godfather.
Aw.
Thanks, you guys.
And seeing how we stole your gift, here's 500 bucks.
And the Red Sox tickets.
And Well, good luck to you.
Sean? Here.
He can teach your baby how to nod.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
All: Merry Christmas.
Well done, boys.
Tell your mother she raised you right.
That baby didn't kick.
It's the size of a jalapeño popper.
You were playing them the whole time.
It worked.
Jackie, that is deceitful and manipulative.
You are gonna be a great mother.
Ma? Katrina wants to say something to you.
Katrina? Okay.
(Clears throat) Listen, I'm sorry if I caused some tension tonight.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
I'm sorry if I referred to you as "just anyone.
" Katrina, you are really Someone.
Aw.
Thanks, Marj.
And in the spirit of compromise, we're gonna spend half the day here tomorrow before we go to my ma's.
Really? You're gonna be here half the day? That's 12 hours.
Maybe come at 10:00, leave at 10:00? No Bye, ma.
Narrator: When the game had concluded and the dust had all cleared, a funny thing happened.
Kindness appeared.
The kindness they liked it.
They liked it a lot.
It even brought lightness to a place that was not.
Sean Hey, when you're done pretending to be a plant, maybe I could give you a kiss.
Narrator: 'Twas pleasant to be done with the fights and the rants.
The door was then open for Christmas romance.
What's this? It's my backup owl.
I've had it since 1996.
Just in case.
Oh Thank you, Arthur.
What gift did you end up with, anyway? I got Phil's improvised poem.
I wasn't finished, by the way.
(Narrator voice): Phillip was interrupted but stood brave and stood tall to wish merry Christmas to one and to all.
Ooh! That was good, right? Can I sleep here tonight? I cannot drive home.