The Millers (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

Hey, uh, so, Deb has-has Dad ever said anything to you about dating? No, he seems pretty content with the ladies on Fox News.
I was thinking about bringing up the idea with Mom.
Really? Mom dating? - Why, do you think it's a bad idea? - I don't know.
I mean are you sure you can handle her seeing other people? Ha-ha.
That's disgusting.
Yeah, grow up, Deb.
I think that is a great idea, Nate.
Thank you, Adam.
Yeah.
Because now you're at that point where you either got to give her a ring, or you gotta move on.
Yeah Hey, you know what, guys? This is serious, okay? I-I need to find somebody else to take care of Mom, Otherwise, I'm never gonna have time to date, - and I'm gonna be stuck with Mom forever.
- Okay.
All joking aside and just for a moment, because I do want toome back to making fun of you for dating your mom but I was watching The Talk at work the other afternoon Every afternoon.
Okay.
It's not just for women.
All right? I think you're thinking of The View.
The Talk is edgy.
So they did a story on this, uh, dating Web site for older people.
It's called "FinalChanceforRomance.
com.
" You know what? That might be great for Mom.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know if Mom should be dating.
It might be too risky this soon after the divorce.
Plus, you two are the only couple friends that we have.
And we're back.
Yeah.
Hey, Mom.
We're gonna watch the hockey game here.
That's fine.
I'm almost finished with my online dating profile on that Web site you showed me.
Oh, yeah? Let's take a look.
Your user name is "Carol Miller Who Likes Grapes"" Carol Miller was taken and I like grapes.
Wait.
Under "What you're looking for in a man"" it just says, "mustache"" I always wanted to kiss a man with a mustache, but your father just didn't have the upper lip strength to support one.
Wait a second.
It says, "Complete this sentence.
"In the bedroom, I like to" dot, dot, dot, and you wrote, "Do everything"? Yeah.
I like to read in there, I exercise.
That's where I wrap presents.
No, no, no, Mom, you just I can I fill out my profile however I see fit.
And send.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for my power penny walk.
Adam saw it on The Talk.
"13 thrifty ways to tone and tighten your tushy.
" Aisha says, "The more these cans wiggle, the less my can will jiggle.
" You heard that, too, right? Come on, man.
Don't make me that guy that never knew his best friend had girls locked in the basement.
No.
It's coming from the computer.
My mom just got tickled.
Looks like when you flirt with somebody on this Web site, they call it a tickle, and she's got a bunch already.
All right, let's check these guys out.
No, not him.
No.
Not him.
Ugh! God, who gets braces in their 60s? No, no, no, no, don't just delete 'em.
If that guy lives long enough, he's gonna have a dynamite smile.
But, Ray, this could end up being my stepfather.
I refuse to spend my nights picking pieces of meat out of his headgear, no.
Hmm.
Hey, this guy hasn't tickled Mom yet, but he looks great this Sarge.
I like that screen name "Strong"".
Look at that mustache.
Ah, Mom would love to get swept up in that lip broom.
And he's got a boat.
Two boats! Nate, we can race! How many times have we talked about racing boats?! As of right now, just once, but it sounds amazing.
Look at this.
He likes hockey, working out and sipping whiskey.
- Oh! - What? Is this a computer, or a mirror? He is perfect for me.
Her.
Us.
It's about time Carol dates a Nathan her own age anyway.
Give him a tickle.
What? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I-I can't pretend to be my mom.
We'll wait for her to decide if she No, no, no, no, no.
We don't have time to wait, man.
A dude like that can get snatched up at any second.
Tickle his ass! Ah The Sarge has been tickled! Tickled him twice.
Why not? Why not?! Tickle him till he pees! He tickled us back! Oh, man! Ah! "Have you ever been to Rome?" Okay, I got this.
Um, what if I write, "No, but I'd love to go some day?" No, no, no, no, no.
It makes it sound like she's begging for an invite.
Lean back and let him come to you.
"Never been to Rome, but that's probably because I'm more of a Paris girl.
" And winky face.
"Maybe we'll go some day.
Until then, what are you doing this weekend?" Whoo! Sarge came to play! Then let's play.
"Saturday night, I've got box at a hockey game.
Want to come?" Oh.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Where's a? What's taking so long? - Usually writes back in a couple seconds.
- I know.
I'm sure he's just crafting a witty response here.
Okay, now I'm getting nervous.
Why'd you ask him out so soon, man?! We got him nibbling on the bait, and you just yanked your worm right out of his mouth! Come on, what was I supposed to do? I can't just sit here with my worm in his mouth all night.
At some point, I have to yank my rod! "Sorry.
Watching hockey.
Crazy goal.
" There was a goal? Oh! Oh! "Would love to come to the game with you.
" Oh! Oh! Oh, Mom, big news.
We found you a date, and he's perfect.
Have you been messing with my profile? I told you Oh, yum! I'd like to get swept up in that lip broom.
And tell them about the text we sent to the Sarge.
Oh, he was telling me about his workout program, so I said, "Can't we just see the results?" Winky face.
So, then he sent an emoticon of a barbell.
Then I sent an emoticon of a blushing angel.
Then he said I was a hoot, so I sent a picture of an owl, thus, proving his point! So you were up all night sexting with a 73-year-old man? I wasn't sexting.
I wasn't talking to you.
Well, technically, I was the one at the keyboard, but mom was standing behind me the whole time.
For a while, but after I went to bed, I could still hear you typing.
You know, I don't think any of these are right.
Well, Carol, it's not all about the dress.
It's like the other afternoon, Sharon was telling Sarah Please don't refer to the women on The Talk by their first names.
You don't know them, and they don't know you.
Well, I'm sure they've gotten all my letters.
- Look, the point is, don't focus on the clothes.
- Uh-huh.
Focus on the woman wearing the clothes.
You need an outfit that accentuates your silhouette.
I'll go get you a sleeping bag.
Dad, not now, please.
It's okay.
I remember when I was alone.
So much anger and jealousy.
I forgive you, Tom, and I hope one day, you find someone, too.
What are you talking about? Oh, haven't you heard? I met a wonderful man online, and we're going on a date to see my favorite hockey group, the Washington Capitals.
You don't like the Capitals.
I do now.
And this year, I think they could compete because they just need defense to win the championship? Perfect.
You can't dress her up in fancy clothes and tell her what to say.
That's false advertising.
At least slap a warning label on her with a list of side effects.
"May cause headaches, anxiety and loss of sexual drive.
" Oh, Mom, that's Ray for you.
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah.
Grab your bag here.
Oh.
Now, have a great haircut, and be back at our house by 5:00.
Maybe 5:15 if Ray and I stop to pre-game with a little rosé.
I'm charming with a light buzz on.
Oh! Putting a lot of effort into this.
- The Sarge must be some catch.
- Oh.
You have no idea.
He's rich, he owns multiple watercraft.
The guy just finished his sixth triathlon.
You know what? You know what? He once turned down an offer to model for Tommy Bahama.
And get this.
He doesn't often drink beer, but when he does, it's free because he owns his own brewery.
Doesn't sound that great to me.
Has he ever danced with Carol Burnett? Uh no.
Have you? No.
There you are.
How long does it take to get my mom's hair done? Where is she? Okay, you know how you have to prepare yourself before you talk to a person with a glass eye or a baby arm? Yeah.
Do that.
Tada! It's fun, huh? Oh.
So fun.
I want to drop a marble in there and see where it comes out.
I got to go get dressed before the Sarge gets here.
This is so exciting! If this works out, I wonder if we'll live on one of his boats or in one of his houses.
Water or land? The mermaid's dilemma.
Ray, what the hell, man? I left the beauty shop for ten minutes to get a snow cone.
While I was gone, she asked for fancy.
You say "fancy" in a black salon, you're gonna get fancy.
We're way past fancy.
My mom's head looks like a trophy at the Calligraphy Awards.
It's him.
It's him! It's him.
Okay, um, you go upstairs and help my mom.
I'll get the door.
Hi, I'm Nathan, Carol's son.
It's great to meet you.
Uh, she'll be down in one second.
Can I, uh get you a whiskey and ginger? Yeah.
How'd you know that? Uh Well, my mom must've mentioned it.
I Yeah, you and your mom are close.
Half of her texts are about you.
She even suggested I take you for a ride in my boat.
What? That's so crazy.
Mom, she's a Next weekend is supposed to be nice though.
Ooh! It works, right? Like they say in AA, it works if you work it.
So let me see you work it.
Damn, Carol! - If you were working any harder, - Yeah? That dress gonna have to file a W-2 form.
Oh, hey.
Something's digging into my back.
What Let me see that.
Oh.
- Some dumb-dumb left the security tag on.
- Oh, no.
Oh, this can't be happening.
What do I do? - What do I do? What do I do? - Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down.
Look me in my eyes.
I got you.
I know how to take these things off.
You believe me? Hello? You need to bring over the other dresses now.
Mom, I was getting ready to take a bath.
Debbie, it's an emergency.
The security tag exploded, and the back of my dress looks like I sat on a Smurf! I am so sorry.
In the moment, it seemed very reasonable that I could pry the security tag off with my teeth.
In hindsight, I now see that this was the only outcome.
So, "Sarge.
" What is that? Police? Military? Well, both, actually.
Uh, you know, I was military police.
And, look, y-you don't have to call me by my screen name.
You can call me Frank.
Wow.
Look at us, Frank.
Two sips of whiskey, Frank, and we're already past the screen names, Frank.
A-And, forgive me, what was your name again, son? It doesn't matter.
"Son" is fine.
You know, I normally take showers, but, uh, Debbie had already made this bath, I had already made this crudité.
It just felt like the universe wanted this to happen.
Debbie's not in there, is she? No.
No, she went to bring Carol a new dress for her big date.
You might want to leave because these bubbles are popping at an alarming rate.
The date's tonight? Yeah.
They're going to the game with Nathan and Ray.
Listen, Tom, I'm starting to feel a little bit awkward in here, so maybe if you could just, uh just sit and visit for a while, uh They're all going to the hockey game, huh? Listen, Tom and I'm not just saying this because I'm naked in a room with my father-in-law and I want that to end as soon as possible but if this is bothering you, I think that you should do something about it before it's too late.
You know what? I think I will.
Um actually, I came in here because Mikayla was in the other bathroom.
Do you mind? Fine.
You've got about a minute.
Hey, j Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's a perfectly logical and-and possibly hilarious story that explains why Debbie's here and, Mom, you're in a new dress and, Ray, you look like you've been bobbing for urinal cakes, but that story's just gonna have to wait 'cause Sarge is getting impatient.
Nathan, I'm just starting to feel No, Mom, you look fantastic, okay? So, Debbie, thank you for coming by and, Ray, just wipe off your face and tell Sarge that we'll be down there in a minute.
Take it from a former shoplifter, that blue's not coming out.
Okay, Mom, listen, we got to learn how to line dance real quick 'Cause Sarge is taking us to a cowboy bar after the game.
Don't worry.
I've downloaded some instructional videos off the Internet.
Nathan, I-I can't learn to line dance in five minutes.
Sure you can! Look, it's basically just the Electric Slide except for every once in a while all you got to do is you got to kick your hand with your boot and spin around your invisible lasso.
Nathan, stop it.
I'm tired of pretending.
Look at me.
I'm wearing a dress I would never wear.
I've been studying hockey for three days straight.
My hair looks like a chocolate fountain.
You father was right.
This is false advertising! I mean, I'm just not the Carol you created on the World Wide Web.
That Carol was witty and fun and exciting.
She was like a Hollywood Square.
I'm just some old frumpadump who likes grapes.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do this.
Mom, I-I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.
I just I thought that Sarge was perfect, and I wanted you to be perfect for him.
I thought that's what you wanted.
It is but not like this.
I want to be me.
I want to be the Carol who sits at home in her sweatpants.
Like back when I was dating you.
And if Sarge doesn't want that, then it's his loss.
I love who you are.
If you're good enough for me, then you're good enough for Frank.
He said I could call him Frank.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, Nate, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I don't know what to do here, man.
Two old white dudes fighting if I jump in it, we all know who's going to jail! Hey.
Come on.
What's going on? No, no, no.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let go.
All right, all right, all right, all right That lunatic burst through that door and started swinging at me.
You will never replace me! A-ha! I knew it! You're jealous! Well, too bad.
If you liked it, you should've kept a ring on it.
Hi, I'm Carol.
I'm gonna go get changed.
I'll be back in a mustache minute.
Hey, look, buddy, if you still have feelings for your ex-wife What? I don't care about her.
I was talking about my son.
What? Oh, don't act so innocent.
I hear the way you talk about him, like he's the father you always wanted.
"Sarge runs triathlons, "Sarge makes his own beer, "Sarge remembers to take his socks off before he gets in the shower.
" Sir, I can assure you I have no interest in your son whatsoever.
Well, that's not entirely true, Frank.
I mean, obviously there's a connection here.
We've had a good night.
We're-we're buddies.
We're not buddies.
Buddies? I can't be buddies with someone who wears a citrus-based cologne.
It's not a cologne.
It's just a very fragrant body wash.
And, if anything, it's more oaky than citrus.
Hey, look, I was just pretending to be nice because I like Carol.
Oh, really? Oh, you like Carol? Well, did you hear that, guys? He doesn't like me.
He likes Carol.
Guess what? I am Carol.
So every-every flirty text, every "LOL," every perfectly timed emoticon, that was all me.
Ray helped, too.
Oh.
I'm cool, Nate.
You take it.
Man, I should've never tried to date on the Internet.
Brother.
What a bunch of weirdos.
Who's he calling a weirdo? Can someone please help me? You know, Dad, I-I just want to say I'm sorry if I got a little carried away.
I-I really wasn't trying to replace you.
It's not your fault.
As your dad, I need to try harder to do the things that you enjoy.
Hockey's not that bad.
And my bird binoculars come in handy, too.
Oh, look.
Couple of pigeons up there in the rafters.
Oh, Ray, someone just went into the penalty house.
Ooh.
I'm sorry you couldn't get that blue off your face, but I really think you made it work.
Aw, thank you.
Look like a damn idiot.
Sorry we ruined your date, Mom.
It's all right.
Before I can find someone else, I got to find me.
Like tonight I found out I like hockey, which gives us another excuse to hang out together.
Long as everyone knows we're just hanging out.
Oh, oh, oh! Look who's on the Kiss Cam! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! We want to thank our special guest host today for joining us at the Talk Table.
From WXDN in Leesburg, Virginia, up-and-coming newscaster, Nathan Miller! Thank you so much.
I-I still can't believe that I've got this opportunity.
It has been so much fun.
You were fabulous, my darling.
You promise me you'll come back? Oh, are you kidding? I can't wait.
It would be fantas And I can't also wait to get home and try that awesome bacon milkshake recipe! Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, and it is good! Oh But we have one other surprise for you.
We know that you've been spending a lot of time lately with a very special lady.
And after 42 years, she wants you to make an honest woman out of her.
Surprise wedding! Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No! No, no, no! No, no! We were not dating! She's my mother! She's my mother! This is wrong! This is morally and legally wrong! Oh.
Aw, man.
I finally had a dream about The Talk and I wasn't even in it.