The Mindy Project s01e08 Episode Script

Doris! Doris, please stop whistle-vacuuming.
Another couch night, huh, Dr.
I? Yeah, I had a delivery at midnight last night, and it just didn't seem worth it to go home.
Oh, man, it is drool city up in this couch.
Oh, that's all right.
I'll flip the cushion.
I'm sorry.
God.
I don't remember the last time I saw my apartment.
I'm not so lucky.
When I don't go home at night, my cat pees in my husband's slippers.
Okay, Doris, I get it.
You're married.
Okay? Good for you.
"Come to the office Emergency"? Okay.
Did you get this page from Jeremy? What a drama queen.
Danny, someone could be dead.
I promise you no one is dead.
Shalom.
Hey.
Shalom to you.
What is going on here? Guys, guys, where have you been? I've been searching for you.
Listen, I have the most shocking news.
Okay, Dr.
Shulman Has retired.
What? What are you talking about? Boaz, could you pass us the letter? "Dearest colleagues, "sorry I can't retire in person, but I knew that I would cry.
"I love you very much "and trust you will run the practice without me.
"I think I left half a chicken Philly steak "in the fridge labed 'dle s,' "so that's up for grabs.
Love, Dr.
Shulman.
" So who's in charge now? I think we are.
Lauren, please do not give me print-outs of webmd.
This is like bringing recipes to a restaurant and saying, "here, cook this.
" I'm just really nervous.
Yeah, of course you're nervous.
You're pregnant, all right? There is a creature inside of you moving around, and it's, like, getting smarter and bigger every day.
If I was you, I'd be freaking out.
I'm sorry.
It's totally normal.
I'm sorry I just had to mess with you, 'cause you looked kind of scared.
You're fine.
You're healthy.
You're completely fine.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, are you guys having some kind of meeting without me? Are there even any refreshments here? Water.
Water is not a refreshment.
What happened to you? You look terrible.
I'm sorry, Danny, that I don't look like a runway model this morning.
I have been very busy delivering babies to put food on our plates.
I'm sorry Water on our plates.
Mindy, are you forming a dreadlock? I might be, all right? Luckily, dreadlocks are super cool, and I can pull them off.
My son has dreads.
I love 'em.
Thank you.
Who is this guy? This guy is the practice's attorney, Melville Fuller.
He's here to advise us.
I need a list of your personal assets.
In the unlikely event the practice goes out of business, you three are personally liable for the expense.
Wait.
So, if the practice goes under, we could lose our own stuff? That's a worst-case scenario.
I'm assuming you three are retaining most, if not all, of Dr.
Shulman's patients.
Dr.
Shulman's patients We're losing 'em left and right.
Oh, my God.
What? Yeah, I just saw Mrs.
DeWitt going up to the fifth floor.
That's the holistic birthing center upstairs.
Midwives.
I mean, it's one thing to lose our patients to other doctors, but to those charlatans? It makes me sick.
Shauna, here's what I want you to do.
Email all of Dr.
Shulman's patients, tell 'em we'll give 'em on their next visit.
Danny, we're not selling mufflers.
We know those patients.
We should just call them individually.
I like Danny's discount idea.
What how could you like that idea? It's a terrible idea.
Well, Danny's so forceful.
I mean, look at him.
He practically oozes leadership.
Plus, it was his idea to me as the face of those taxi cab ads.
What taxi cab ads? I'm sorry we do taxi cab ads now? Yeah.
Guys, how can we afford taxi cab ads? Who approved that? We did.
We did.
I mean, that's leadership, isn't it? It's making swift decisions with handsome faces.
Guys, I am also a leader here.
Do you remember that time when that really annoying steel-drum guy was in front of our building? Mm-hmm.
I was the one that went down there, and I said, "look, man, here, take $20.
" Go bother some other neighborhood, okay?" He came back after two hours, but still Okay, look Jeremy and I agreed It's settled.
Email a discount.
Shauna Sign me up for email.
Sorry.
Guys Danny, I Hi.
I'm Diana, the administrative assistant from downtown women's holistic birth center.
Big deal.
We're the that for Shulman and associates.
Okay.
I've made repeated calls and inquiries about getting your former patients' files transferred to us upstairs.
We'll get to it when we get to it.
If you want those files, you're gonna have to pry them out of our cold, dead hands.
Easy, bets.
Seriously, though Scram.
Hey, guys, I am not going to take my day off tomorrow.
I feel guilty there's too much to do around here.
Aren't you supposed to have best friend day? Danny, you hate best friend day.
The last time I talked to you about it, you called it "barf friend day.
" I love best friend day.
I think you should go do it.
Wait.
Why are you moving all this medical junk in here? Turning Shulman's office into storage.
No, we're not.
We're turning it into my prenatal patient resource center.
We voted.
It's storage.
Yeah, it's two to one.
I wasn't part of anyote.
Guys, this is important to me.
And it's already getting a lot of buzz in the media.
It is? Yeah.
I ran into Kelly Ripa at Sephora, and I told her about it, and she said, "good for you!" Sorry, but we voted.
It's two to one.
Two to one.
I think it's a good idea for you to take the day off tomorrow, and we'll be fine without you.
You know, too many cooks You get it.
Yeah.
Just too many cooks.
It's So you don't need me here at all? Okay, sure.
Then I will take tomorrow off and spend it with my friends.
Cool.
With that, I will leave, because there's absolutely no reason for me to stay.
Wait.
I think you should take that.
Just It's kind of in the way.
Et tu, Morgan? No, that's the only one, I think.
Have fun.
Is your neck hurting? Yeah.
I maybe got a little crick.
Mm.
Let's see.
May I? Sure.
Why don't we close your eyes, take a deep breath? Count to three in your head but not out loud.
Whoop! Oop.
That's better.
I think the problem was your chair.
It took billions of years of evolution to perfect the human neck.
Chairs have only been around for a mere eye-blink of that time frame.
Brendan Deslaurier.
From downtown women's holistic birth center.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
It's hard to believe we work right up there, and this is the first time we've met, right? This is my brother, business partner, best friend, and tennis coach, Duncan.
Hi.
Hi.
What kind of plant you got there, buddy? Checking.
Does this plant have a utility, or is it strictly decorative? One time I put sunglasses and a hat on it.
That's hilarious.
I think you two should leave.
But thanks again for fixing my neck, Dr.
Deslaurier.
They're not doctors, they're midwives.
Oh, hello, Danny.
I'd prefer if you call me Dr.
Castellano.
I've always found "doctor" to be such a formality.
It's so distancing.
You know what? You're right.
It is distancing.
It's the distance between actual doctors like me and quacks like you and your brother.
Isn't that right, Dr.
Reed? Dr.
Reed? He left.
I think he was embarrassed about being a drug dealer.
Not this again.
They're prescriptions.
And prescriptions are little pieces of paper that one trades in for narcotics, making this lovely establishment not different from the hacienda of Pablo Escobar.
Hey, pal, I went to Columbia medical school.
I got into Columbia.
Didn't go.
Walked the campus, got a bad vibe.
Did you know that midwifery predates obstetrics by multiple millennia? Mm-hmm.
So I ask you this, Danny Confucius, the Buddha, Jesus Christ, even sting himself Were they birthed by ob-gyns? Should've been.
Mm.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Is that doctor terminology? I just don't understand that stuff, so By the way, I hear there's a holdup on transferring some files upstairs to our new clients.
But you'll take care of that, right, Danny? It's a great place you got here.
Nice layout.
Good to know in case we decide to expand.
Duncan, shall we? Toodles.
Dr.
C! Who were those guys? They were cool.
They're midwives, so let's not They're not cool.
They're midwives with attitude.
All right, keep up the good work.
You keep up your good work.
Ha! I'm worried about him.
Guys, listen, they just decided that they're gonna make all the decisions for the practice.
And they took a vote, majority rule.
Hello? I thought we lived in a democracy.
Well, we're just happy that you could make our day out.
Okay, may I say something? It's just my opinion.
Your co-workers sound sexist, misogynist And, yeah, I'll say it Borderline racist.
You think everyone's borderline racist.
Gwen, we should listen to her, all right? She is the worldly one.
Mm-hmm.
I'm like the kind of fun, cool, single one.
And you're the, um The cool mom.
Excuse me.
I did date a drug dealer in college.
You have been milking that for years.
Mindy, you need to move to Europe.
Let me put it this way.
Do you like good food? Mm-hmm.
Do you like art? Yep.
Do you like uncircumcised penises? Hey.
Hey! Excuse me.
Hello.
We're in a restaurant.
I mean, they're everywhere.
Here's the thing I'm worried about.
I get there, no one speaks English, my hair dryer doesn't work, someone tries to pin a drug thing on me.
Oh.
It happens.
Guys, I'm getting a little worried.
I should go back to work.
Absolutely not.
No, no, no, no, no.
You need one day where you suck the marrow out of life and, like, let it slosh around in your mouth.
Ew! Gross! You need this.
You know what? She's right.
You need this.
Guys, you haven't agreed on anything since, um Oh, Colin firth being bangable.
Oh, I want to lick his face.
I would destroy him.
Okay.
This country is succumbing to an epidemic of over-medication.
That's what the midwives said.
Also, they put smooth rocks in their bathroom sink.
You want rocks? I'm going to a quarry after work.
I'll have rocks coming out your freakin' eyes.
No, no, no.
Mrs.
DeSouza, could we have but five minutes of your time? Legally, we have to give your file back.
But I think you're gonna like what we have to say.
With all due respect, you have no idea how stupid that sounds.
Whoa! Oh, all right.
We don't even know what's in these vaccines.
Excuse me? Whoa, Danny.
Uh, okay.
Uh, he didn't mean that.
You're not stupid, obviously.
You're brilliant.
No, of course.
I'm I'm I'm I'm not calling you stupid.
I'm calling Denying your baby Western medicine That's extremely stupid.
That's not much better.
Uh, allow me If I may.
Maybe you recognize me from our taxi cab ads Shulman & associates We put women first.
I didn't see your ad.
Didn't? I looked pretty good.
Never mind.
The point is we both know you're not going anywhere, all right? So why don't we pop you in those stirrups and take a damn good peek.
That came out wrong.
Oh, my Ahh.
What if I told you it was 20% off? bumpin' loud as hell now we need to play, need to play, need to play Okay, here he is.
This is the guy I'm dating.
Isn't he such a babe? His name is Josh.
Josh.
He looks hairless.
I like body hair.
You know, I like to be reminded that he's a mammal when I'm in his arms.
Alex, that's weird.
Wait a minute.
Did you take a picture of him when he was sleeping? Yeah, of course.
What is wrong with you? What do you mean, what is wrong with me? It's the perfect crime, you know? I get a picture of him napping.
He has no idea.
Get a little eye dazzle for my friends.
Yeah.
Get rid of those texts.
I want to see more of that sleeping guy.
Turn the phone off! They said they could handle it.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Uh, I'm sorry.
That's actually mine.
It was on the table.
It probably just fell out of my basket.
Whatever.
Are you kidding me? Hey, lady! You raiding basket? Excuse me? Get your fat hands off my friend's skirt before I take it from you myself.
This Indian chick, that white girl Don't piss these two off.
In college, they got so drunk that they threw a mini fridge off the roof.
It's true.
We did.
Now walk.
Hmm.
You are so awesome! You are such a psycho.
Mindy Is that work, still bothering you? Not anymore.
Hmm.
It is best friend day.
What are you doing? You can't just hide out in here.
We got to come up with a plan for dealing with these guys.
No, no, no.
Danny, the entire point of me letting you make all the decisions was that you make all the decisions.
The practice is screwed, Danny, okay? No other practice will take me on.
Men are too threatened by my good looks, and women find me a constant erotic distraction.
I'm not mediocre-looking like you, okay? What? And what about going to England? Forget about that.
I'm too tan.
They'll be merciless.
Just calm down.
Okay? Oh, great.
Dr.
Castellano, your 3:00 canceled.
She's transferring to downtown women's holistic birth center.
So it begins.
Dr.
Reed, is the practice gonna be all right? Um, your guess is as good as mine.
Uh, if we pray really hard Okay, it's gonna be great.
It's gonna be fine, Betsy.
The practice is gonna be fine.
Wow.
What was that? I have no idea.
You're supposed to be the calm, cool, collected British guy, right? Keep calm, and carry on.
That's actually bull.
My grandparents were running around like screaming girls the entire war.
Okay.
Guys, I think I kind of love this top.
It's a dress.
What? Yeah, it's sample sizes.
They're supposed to fit anorexic models.
Oh, my God.
Hello? It's made for a tiny, tiny person.
Um, Mindy, it's for you.
Hello? Dr.
Lahiri, the Deslaurier brothers are stealing all our patients.
Just let Dr.
Reed and Dr.
Castellano take care of it.
They kicked me out of work, remember? They said they didn't need me.
But it's not just Dr.
Shulman's patients that are leaving.
Lauren Ordenstein just called to have her files sent up there.
What? My patient is switching to the midwives? Oh, hell, no.
Betsy, do not release that file, okay? Don't.
What? Okay, some weird half-doctors are trying to patient-Jack me.
What? One of your patients? Yeah, yeah.
Um Go back to work! No, it's best friend day, you guys.
But you're a partner there, Mindy.
People can't just steal your patients.
Other doctors will think you're a wuss.
Right? Mm-hmm, you really should.
Mm-hmm.
- Really? - Yes, it's okay.
Okay, guys, I'm so sorry.
I've had such a fun day.
No, no, no, it's fine.
Oh, yeah.
All right, well, I got to get out of this top.
Can we just make, like, a human changing room? Sure.
Yeah.
Okay, please don't judge my bra.
I'll try not to.
Okay, all right.
I'm done.
Okay, good.
Okay, good.
I love you, guys! Love you, love you, love you.
Why did Mrs.
Baker cancel? Dr.
Lahiri! Shauna, get me Lauren Ordenstein's file.
Okay.
What are you doing here? I am doing what you could not do.
Mindy, where are you going? To the hornet's nest.
Not the hornet's nest that's on the roof that we saw that time I meant the midwives.
Guys? Danny! Guy Come on.
Well, well, well Debbie, Emily, Lauren So many familiar faces.
Midwives! Midwives! God! Midwives! Easy, there.
That gong was a gift from me to myself after a particularly rough flight.
Hey, I have a question for you.
Who the hell do you think you are? Oh, that's a big, complex question, but my name is Brendan Deslaurier.
It's nice to meet y I don't think so, pal.
All right? I'm not gonna fall for that smooth, calm, namaste B.
S.
That everyone else seems to fall for, 'cause guess what I know your type.
Let's say I have a heart attack.
How would you handle that? Would you, uh, rub eucalyptus leaves all over my chest? Huh? Is that what you would do While, uh, your brother over here, he, uh, plays a rainstick or something? Yeah.
His rainstick? Yeah.
Rainstick.
Let's leave Duncan out of this.
When you have more time, I'd love to tell you about what we do so that you can speak from a place of knowledge rather than ignorance.
And I'm sure you'd love to educate me All afternoon, just over and over.
Just making me learn about midwifery.
I would love to educate you.
Listen up, ladies.
I get it.
It is very hard not to get seduced by these two.
This office is dope.
Diana seems really cool.
And, yeah, I'm gonna say it.
These two Super-good-looking, super-hot guys.
Much better-looking than the two old, grizzled, beat-up guys that work in our office.
What? Wait a minute.
And, yeah, if you are a healthy that baby is gonna slide right out of you Whether it's by us Or whether it's by these two midwives or with a jittery train conductor during a blizzard.
But what if there's complications? If you're middle-aged You have diabetes, if you're obese No offense, all right? Then no amount of breathing techniques and scented oils is gonna help you.
I am.
And these guys are.
They might not be easy on the eyes What? No.
That's not cool.
But they're good doctors.
Meanwhile, these two They're gonna drop you curbside at Columbia Presbyterian on their way to coachella.
We have never been to the coachella valley music and arts festival.
Tell me this, Deslauriers.
Is it true or is it not true that if your patients have complications, you drop them off with obstetricians like us? Yes, we explain up front to all of our patients I'm sorry, your what? We have to say "clients.
" To our clients.
That's what I thought.
All right, ladies Let's go downstairs.
Let's set up appointments with some real doctors.
And in a month or so, we're gonna debut the Shulman & associates prenatal resource center.
Kelly Ripa's a big fan.
So we got a-a lot of big things on the horizon.
Are you good? Yeah.
Okay.
Great job.
No, Diana! I'm holding on to this mallet.
All right? And if you steal another patient, I'm gonna come back for this gong.
Doctor? Make a wish.
Okay, that was kind of hot.
Remember No more stealing patients.
Burn you.
Pleasure meeting you.
Later, man.
Bye, Duncan.
I'll email you.
Hey, don't talk to him.
Let's go.
Hey.
Listen, we owe you an apology.
Yeah, you do.
Let's hear it.
I just did it.
No, you said, "I owe you an apology.
" Saying you owe me $10 is different than giving me $10.
You want me to give you $10? Yeah, okay.
There you go.
I apologize.
We apologize.
You guys, you cannot gang up on me anymore.
Okay.
All right, I want to be involved, and I want you to listen to my input.
Fair enough.
Listen, Mindy, Danny, you will be in charge, and I will remain as the face of the company.
No, no, no.
You also have to be involved.
This is a partnership.
Ugh, miserable.
And you can't be on the phone all the time.
Yes.
Light texting? No, you can't, right, Danny? Right.
Two to one.
Fine.
There you go.
So what do you think we should call the place? How about Shulman & associates? It's got a nice ring to it.
Hey-oh! Wow, that is a nice moment.
I'm gonna call it the founding of a new dynasty.
I'm gonna sell you guys the prints once I get 'em developed.
There'll be a little markup for my trouble.
Damn it.
Okay, um, I got to go.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
One for safety? One for safety? Oh, I think I just tweeted something.
Please don't take any more photos of me.
We're better-looking than those midwives, right? Thank you.
We're so much better-looking.
Take one, swallow it down Let it melt down into your blood, and you Fly away into the nest Of another U.
S.
tradition In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally God, this place is depressing.
Josh! Why do hospitals always have the world's ugliest posters? Indianapolis has a jazz fest? Gross.
What are you doing here? Well, I haven't seen you in a few days.
I thought I'd better come to you.
Brought you some Thai food, but I threw out the rice.
It had little peas in it.
It was bumming me out.
I can't believe this.
This is so sweet.
God, I wish I got to see you more.
Well, I think you can have everything you want.
You just have to be as efficient as me.
Watch.
Work.
Play.
Mm-mm-mm.
Work.
Play's gonna be a second.
I have to look over this contract.
Okay.
I also have work.
I can look over this Medical chart, so Yeah Josh, come on, come on.
Oh, don't mind me.
I'm actually fine with that, if Are you really? Yeah.
Okay, yeah, I'm totally fine with it too.
Go to bed.