The Muppet Show (1976) s01e08 Episode Script

It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star, Mr, PauI Williams! It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights It's time to meet the muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight New York is so crowded, even the cemeteries have standing room only, To introduce our guest star That's what I'm here to do So it really makes me happy To introduce to you Mr, PauI Williams! But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI This is what we call The Muppet Show Thank you, thank you, thank you, Hi-ho, good friends, Hey, we got a great show for you tonight, Our speciaI guest is Mr, PauI Williams, singer, composer, actor and all-around good guy, and we're not gonna do any jokes about his size, But he's such a cute little fella, we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet, Hark! I hear the cannons roar No, hark, the cannons r Ugh - Hi, Fozz, What's wrong? You look worried, - It's my new act, I hope it works, Oh, come on, you're the greatest! - Yeah? Yeah, you're always good, Besides, you're on soon, Now is no time to panic, Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes of jokes here on the war of 1 81 2, Now is the time to panic, Listen, if you're really in trouble, why don't you just use the old telephone pole bit? - "The old telephone pole bit?" - Oh, yeah, it's the best, I don't know it, - It's a classic! It's a classic? - Yeah! Terrific, I can use it, Tell me, what is it? The curtains open - The curtains open, The audience is there - The audience is there! There we are together, on stage - There we are together Hold it! - "We?" - Well, yes, No, you don't understand, You see, I am a stand-up bear, Uh-huh, - Yeah, yeah, See I I work alone, I tell the jokes on stage, alone, Ha-ha, no, you don't tell jokes in the telephone pole bit, Why not? - Well, you're the telephone pole, Cute, Cute idea, We'll see, OK, right now, friends, it is my great pleasure to introduce one of the most talented people in our business - and it's a reaI treat to have him with us on The Muppet Show - Mr, PauI Williams, Just an old-fashioned love song Playin' on the radio And wrapped around the music Is the sound of someone promising They'll never go You'll swear you've heard it before As it slowly rambles on and on No need in bringin' 'em back 'Cause they've never really gone That's just an old-fashioned love song Comin' down in two-part harmony That's just an old-fashioned love song One I'm sure they wrote for you and me To weave our dreams upon Listen to each evenin' When the lights are low To underscore our love affair With tenderness and feeling That we've come to know You'll swear you've heard it before As it slowly rambles on and on No need in bringin' 'em back 'Cause they've never really gone That's just an old-fashioned love song Comin' down in three-part harmony That's just an old-fashioned love song One I'm sure they wrote for you and me Two, three, four That's just an old-fashioned love song Comin' down in three-part harmony That's just an old-fashioned love song One I'm sure they wrote for you and me That's just an old-fashioned love song Comin' down in three-part harmony That's just an old-fashioned love song One I'm sure they wrote for you and me Bravo! Bravo! - Encore! Encore! Heh heh! He's a credit to his race, - What race is that? The 1 00-yard dash, Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, Folks, let me take just one moment of your time to acquaint you with a fascinating new product, It's Muppets AII-Purpose Tenderizer, Now, you can use it on all sorts of dishes, For example, dishes like this one here, Whoo, that's one of the problems with dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break, But if you had used AII-Purpose Tenderizer in such fashion as this your dish would have been as tender as this, Oh, it sets me all aquiver! Well, it's lovely, And what it does for dishes it can do for utensils too, Watch, It only takes a second, So there it is, Muppets AII-Purpose Tenderizer, It's new from Muppet Labs, Oh, goodness, OK, who's the smarty-pants who tenderized the table? I mean it! Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon, Huh, Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man! "Silence," A poem by Rowlf, That's me, "Silence," "Hear the nothingness," "Listen to the quietness Of everlasting space," "Down the winding velvet corridors of time it sweeps, And sweeps and sw " "And sweeps away the sound of creatures crying in the night " creatures crying in the night "And cry we must," "For we have tasted the forbidden fruit," "But lo, lo, the faceless names, name " " faceless names, nameless faces Whisper of our woes," "But over all over all The blessed silence falls," "Sweet serpentines of silence Singing their sad song," "Out of the silence and dark We build the music, silent music," "And the endless emptiness of emptiness Drumming in our ears " Will you all get outta here! "But in in the end All is silence," "Quiet, silent ways," "All still," Could you hold it down, Rowlf? We're trying to do a show here, You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted, This is a great show to do, I have a speciaI reason for being very excited, You see Except for me, the entire cast is Muppets, Muppets are little, tiny things, For the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am, For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show, For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people, I am a telephone pole, Hmmm Fozzie, what are you doing? - It's my new act with Scooter, I'm practicing to be a telephone pole, Hmmm That's ridiculous, You don't look like a telephone pole, No one would believe you were a telephone pole, I am a lineman for the county On the other hand, what do I know about telephone poles? Huh, I'll be darned, You say that's your boy? How could you have a son that age? I didn't, When I had him, he was just a baby, Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways, You are more beautifuI than the summer days, You know, there's a lot of ham in you, That man is annoying me, He isn't even looking at you, That's what's annoying me, I can't understand it! I just can't seem to hold on to a job! My last one only lasted for ten minutes! Yeah? What were you doing? - I was a librarian! Hey, you wanna take a trip? Sure, I'd love to, OK, hang on Waaargh! - Aah! Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit I'm in love with a big blue frog A big blue frog loves me It's not as bad as it appears He wears glasses and he's six foot three Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit Well, I'm not worried about our kids I know they'll turn out neat They'll be great-lookin' 'cause they'll have my face Great swimmers 'cause they'll have his feet Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit Well, I know we can make things work He's got good family sense His mother was a frog in Philadelphia His daddy an enchanted prince Gwamp-gwamp - # Gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit The neighbors are against it and it's clear to me And it's probably clear to you They think values on their property will go right down If the family next door is blue Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit - # Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp - # Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit Well, I'm in love with a big blue frog A big blue frog loves me But it's better than the beau I had last year When I loved a little bumble bee Oh yeah Loved a bumble bee Gwamp Gwamp Gribbit-gribbit Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit, Gwamp-gwamp-gwamp-gwamp Gribbit-gribbit-gribbit, Well, PauI, listen, Listen, PauI, I just want to say what a reaI thrill it is to have you on the show, That's very kind of you, Kermit, thank you, And you know what? You're not gonna hear any jokes about your being little-bitty and small and cute and all that sort of thing, like you are, You're not gonna hear that coming from me, You promise? - No, Us little guys gotta stick together, - Oh, yeah, Listen And besides that, there have been a lot of famous people who were small in size, That's true, - Sure, like Napoleon, Uh Truman Capote? - Uh Mickey Rooney, Tom Thumb, Not to mention the legendary Wally Blatner, Wally Blatner, a famous Who is Wally Blatner? Well, he invented the elevator shoe, The elevator really? Lifts, right? - Right, right, Whatever happened to old Wally? Well, one day somebody pressed his down button and he was never seen again, Down button? Oh, I get it, you mean he? That's terrible, - Yeah, if you think that was terrible, what about the 1 2 people who were riding with him? That's a ludicrous story, I mean, even told by a frog, that's ridiculous, Really? Hey, do you wear lifts? Sometimes, yeah, - Oh, yeah? Going up! Now PauI is someone everybody can look up to, I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood, I am a telephone pole, I am made of solid wood, I am too talented for my own good, Will you please? Yes, ma'am, you're confirmed, Two tickets to New York City, Thank you, Hello, - Hello, I want to go to Pittsburgh, I can send you to Pittsburgh first class on a supersonic jet for $ 7 64, You got anything cheaper? I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 51 1, You got anything cheaper? I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion economy in an old prop job for about 398, You got anything cheaper? Yeah, I could send you to Pittsburgh standing-room only on a broken-down old bus for about 75 bucks, You got anything cheaper? Yeah, I think I can work something out for you, paI, Hey, Charlie, you wanna maiI this to Pittsburgh? My mother is very religious, She's a fanatic? - No, she's a church, And here they are now, my kind of people, Wayne and Wanda! You do Something to me Oww! Ow! Here's a Muppet news flash, Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusuaI experience and we at Muppet News centraI feeI it is a story that should be shared with everyone, Here in his own words is Mr, Stockman to tell you of this bizarre event, Well, it was about a week ago and I was sitting at home watching television.
It must have been about nine o'clock.
- Mm-hm? Suddenly the phone rang.
Well, I picked it up, but there wasn't anybody there.
So I hung up, and then I went back to watching the television.
Darnedest thing.
Whenever unusuaI events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News, Boy, my uncle will be really interested in this, That's private business here, Scooter, - Sorry, And, by the way, you guys are really gonna do the old telephone pole bit? That's right, chief, Lots of luck, Scooter, I won't do it, - What? I just found out what the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it! Oh, come on Fozzie, come on, we're on now, Besides, we'll be terrific! Scooter, we will not be terrific, We will die out there, Die! Of course we're not gonna die, What makes you think we're gonna die? Just a hunch, Folks, we got a little something different for you tonight in the old comedy spot, Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined by our gofer Scooter, and here they are doing that classic comedy sketch, the telephone pole bit! Hello, and what's your name? Mike Oznowiczsky, Oh, so you're the telephone Pole! Huh, Good old Fozzie, He's never been better, Or shorter, - Same difference, That's a sad song That used to be our song The one you just played I wonder if I'd stayed What we'd be doin' now Yeah, but part of bein' people Is an ever-changing mind We don't mean to be unkind We just grow That's a sad song That used to be our song And oh, she sang it too And every word rang true Like a bell somehow When I ran off chasing visions My emotions made me blind Like a fooI I left behind An angeI's glow So play it one more time That sympathy in rhyme Let those old familiar feelings Start to show Come and sing my favorite phrase Oh, from those good old days Let those tears and sweet memories flow Play it one more time Whoa, sympathy in rhyme And old familiar feelings Start to show Let 'em show Come and sing my favorite phrase From those good old days Let those tears and sweet memories flow Let those tears and sweet memories flow Well, that's about the end of the show, folks, We'd like to thank our speciaI guest star, Mr, PauI Williams! Thank you, thank you, I've loved every minute of it, little guy, Except, of course, for the parts that I hated, I'm sorry about that, PauI, But we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show! This show is good for what ails me, - Yeah? Well, what ails you? Insomnia,