The Neighborhood (2018) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Hey, babe, babe, babe, check it out.
The biggest one they had.
Boom! 23 pounds.
There's gonna be so much leftover turkey, I'm gonna be sleepy for weeks.
Well, put it back.
There's only four of us, and I'm not cooking that big-ass turkey.
Where's your Thanksgiving spirit, babe? I'll tell you where.
Out on your brother's boat, with the rest of your family.
You know what, I don't care if he invited us.
I'm done letting Curtis throw his lotto money in my face.
He wouldn't even never won if I wouldn't have stopped at that gas station to get Mama a Pepsi.
Look, I thought I was gonna have the day off.
Just get a smaller one, and stop trying to make me cook a pterodactyl.
Fine.
How big? Let's go with 12 pounds.
12 pounds? What the rest of y'all gonna eat? Fine.
Hi, Tina.
Oh, hey, guys.
What's up? Ooh, looks like you're stocking up for the big day, huh? So, you have a bunch of family coming over? No, just Calvin and the boys sitting on the couch while I cook my butt off in the kitchen, sweating over a stove, you know, alone.
A holiday.
Well, if that's the case, you should just come to our house.
- Right, Gemma? - I'd love that.
Well, are you sure? I don't want to impose.
Come on, it'll be fun.
The men can watch football, and you can keep me company while I do all the cooking.
Okay, great, we're coming.
Awesome.
We'll see you Thursday around noon? - Are you sure I can't bring anything? - We're sure.
Good.
That's the answer I was looking for.
- All right.
- Hey, babe.
- Yeah? - Sorry.
They didn't have any 12-pounders, so I just rounded up to a 20.
Well, put it back, 'cause we're going to the Johnsons'.
- The Johnsons'? - Uh-huh.
- You joking, right, Tina? - Nope.
I had to fight two people to get this turkey.
One lady threw her dentures at me.
Ooh, there she is right there.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Gemma, I have terrible news.
I just got off the phone with my mother.
Oh, no, did something happen to her? Worse.
She's coming for Thanksgiving.
What? I thought she was going to your Aunt Gail's.
Well, yeah, apparently they got into a fight over which is better, NCIS or NCIS: Los Angeles.
And now she's coming here instead.
But why is it bad that Grammy's coming? Oh, it's not bad, Grover.
It's terrible.
Dave! I Okay.
Look, you know that nobody loves Grammy more than I do, but she's getting a little bit older and she comes from a small town and, well, you know how we tell you that there are things that people might think - but should never, ever say? - Yeah.
Grammy doesn't believe that's true.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Can I talk to Mommy alone for a minute? Are you gonna tell her something about Grammy that you think but shouldn't say? Yes.
Gemma, what are we gonna do? We have to uninvite the Butlers.
Sweetie, it's the day before Thanksgiving; that'd be rude.
Ruder than my mom? Remember when she went off on that lady about how we need to "build the wall"? Yes, I do.
We had to start going to a different Taco Bell.
Gemma, she is going to ruin Thanksgiving, I know it.
Sweetie, I know you get embarrassed by your mom, but she's an adult.
You're not in charge of her behavior.
And what if she says something offensive to the Butlers? You know, Calvin and I are starting to become such good friends.
I know.
But you know what? Maybe it's a good thing she's coming.
You always say the reason she's the way she is is because she only knows people just like her.
We can help change that.
Okay, you know, m-maybe you're right.
You know, maybe this is a chance for us to broaden her horizons.
To introduce her to - a new spectrum of people.
- Exactly.
Grammy wants to know how often there are riots around here.
Oh, no Can I uninvite them now? Why are you still standing here? I cannot believe that we're going to the Johnsons' for Thanksgiving.
I mean, since we weren't going to my brother Curtis's, I thought I could finally start my own Thanksgiving traditions.
Like what? Like not going to the Johnsons'.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Well, I plan on laying around while somebody else worries about the cooking.
Feels good to be a man.
- Hey, Calvin.
- Come on in, man.
Hey, I wanted to talk to you guys about tomorrow.
I'm not wearing a pilgrim's hat, Dave.
Well, good news: you won't have to because I'm here to, um, uninvite you.
What? My man, Dave! - Wait a minute.
- (LAUGHING) - Wait a minute.
- Oh, yeah.
Hold up.
What do you mean, you're uninviting us? Come on, it doesn't matter, Tina.
You know? We already hugged it out and everything; a deal's a deal.
Oh, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, where you going? No, no.
I want to know what happened.
Well, as it turns out, my mom is surprising us and flying in from Michigan and, uh (CHUCKLES) she can be kind of a handful.
What do you mean, she's a handful? Now, Tina, Tina.
The lady's a handful.
What else do you need to know? Come on.
Well, look, it just, it's You know, she's from a small town, she's kind of old-school, she can be pretty conservative.
Oh, she's racist.
No, she-she's not racist, she just says things most people know not to because they're horribly offensive.
So she's like Calvin.
How am I offensive? I mean, you're not offensive as a person, but you know, it's, it's just your words and your tone and your opinions.
I just tell the truth, Tina.
- Hmm.
- It's not my fault that a bunch of little crybabies can't handle it.
That's actually how my mom started her Christmas letter last year.
Listen, baby, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you know you are not gonna be able to be around somebody like Dave's mom.
So, I guess I'll be doing the cooking this year after all.
T-Tina, no.
You know what? No, you sit back and relax.
You're gonna get that day off that you deserve.
No.
No, no, no.
We agreed; we hugged and everything.
Sorry, Dave.
I reject your uninvite.
We're coming to your house for Thanksgiving.
Calvin, what about my mom? Doesn't matter.
You know, like I always say, when they go low, I go high.
That's right, that's right.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Mm-hmm.
- No matter what your backwoods, whitebread, hillbilly-ass mama has to say.
I can't believe this weather.
In November! (CHUCKLES) It's nice, isn't it? Grover can play outside all year round.
That's wonderful.
Makes you wonder why people are always shooting each other out here.
People shoot each other out here? All the time, honey.
Mom, that's-that's not true.
It is according to my news channel.
Well, not according to mine.
You should really try to watch more than one of them.
Fine.
How many do you watch? Well, uh, one.
Oh! I brought cookies.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) Buddy, just-just one, okay? We have dinner later.
Hmm, your daddy could never stop - at just one.
- (CHUCKLES) In middle school, we had to shop in the husky section.
Oh, but look at that chiseled, handsome face now.
Oh, baby, your skin is dry.
Are you using moisturizer? Y-Yes, Mom, I'm sufficiently moist.
Well, I hope it has SPF, because if it doesn't have SPF, you're gonna end up with cancer just like your Uncle John.
I didn't know Uncle John has cancer.
He had to get his ear removed.
But it went fine, he had a Jewish doctor.
Mom "A Jewish doctor"? Yes.
Everyone knows they're the best.
Although, I now hear the Indian ones - are catching up.
- (SIGHS) Hey, Grammy, look.
- There's my school.
- Oh.
The school is pretty great.
Gemma is doing an amazing job.
You know, she just implemented a new curriculum that teaches the kids empathy.
Oh, good for her.
Oh, yeah.
The kids have the rest of their lives to learn things like reading and math.
Well, they teach those things, too.
Oh, I'm sure they do.
Grover.
Can you tell me the capital of Michigan? - Sure.
- (IPAD BEEPS) Siri, what's the capital of Michigan? (IPAD BEEPS) SIRI: Lansing is the capital of Michigan.
Hmm, well, at least he has empathy.
Hey, I'm sorry, Pop, but there's no way you're not fighting with Dave's mom.
I know.
A proud black patriarch going toe-to-toe with a loudmouth Midwestern grandma? Man, that should be a pay-per-view match.
(LAUGHS) Or at least a Tyler Perry movie.
(LAUGHING) Well, prepare to be disappointed.
Because I'm not gonna do anything to ruin your mother's holiday.
Trust me, boys.
You got to respect the mamas.
Listen to your father; he's right.
'Cause he knows if he ruins this day for me, I'm leaving him for your Uncle Curtis and his boat.
Come on, girl.
You know you can't leave all this.
Come on, now.
So, this is where you used to live and this is where you live now.
Far, far away from me.
(SIGHS) I miss seeing you all the time.
Oh, I know honey.
But this is where your mom and dad decided to move.
For reasons maybe they can explain to both of us.
Hey, Grover, can you go help Mommy in the kitchen? Okay.
(CHUCKLES) What's the capital of North Dakota? Bismarck.
(LAUGHS) You'll thank me when he gets into college.
Okay, yeah, uh Mom, listen; before our neighbors get here, I just want to talk to you about maybe being careful with some of the things that you say.
Oh.
Is this because they're black? Yes.
And-and you're afraid I'm going to say something rude.
Exactly.
Because they're always so sensitive No.
No, Mom.
No.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (LAUGHS) It'll be fine, David, I promise you.
You don't have to treat me like I'm a child.
Okay, you know what? You're right, Mom.
- I'm-I'm sorry.
- Honestly.
It's like you think I don't know how to talk to the blacks.
Mom, how can you not know that it's wrong to refer to black people as "the blacks"? You live in Michigan, not the 1950s.
You kids are so darn politically correct these days.
It's like everyone's so worried about each other's feelings.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm sure they didn't even hear me, and if they did they would've said something.
I can't believe you didn't say something.
I love your mother very much.
I can't believe she really said that.
I can.
What I can't believe is that Calvin didn't lose his cool.
Well, if I were you, I would've turned right around and left.
Are you kidding? I'm sipping wine while a white lady and her son cook for me.
If my ancestors could see me now, they'd be like, "Look at you, Tina.
You go, girl!" Okay, I have everyone's drinks.
Ooh! Right.
Yeah.
Damn, Dave, these are strong.
(COUGHING) Yeah, I thought I'd get ahead of it and numb everyone's pain.
So, I want to know more about all of you.
- Marty, right? - Yeah.
Um, what do you do? Oh, I'm an engineer at JPL.
Oh, what's that? A-A rap radio station? Mom, JPL stands for Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
That's right.
I work on the satellites.
- Oh, that's impressive.
- Yeah.
You must have gone to an excellent school.
- I did.
USC.
- Oh.
In fact, Marty had a full scholarship.
Oh, so does that mean you were an athlete? (LAUGHS) CALVIN: Paula.
Can I, can I call you Paula? Assuming that Marty was an athlete because he's black and went to college, well, some people might consider that a stereotype.
Oh, really? It just seems that every athlete I see on my TV is black.
Should've made these stronger.
(CHUCKLING) I mean, Paula, I mean, clearly you must know that not every black man is an athlete.
Marty's scholarship was for his academic achievements.
Oh.
A-A-And what about you, Malcolm, did you also get an academic scholarship? Nope.
(LAUGHS) I was an athlete.
Just like the ones you see on TV.
He's unemployed, too.
So, Calvin, I couldn't help but notice your truck outside.
I mean, it is beautiful.
Oh, thank you.
Do you do the maintenance yourself? Yeah, you know, I've been taking care of her ever since she belonged to my father.
Oh, that's great.
You know, us Michiganders, I mean, we love anyone who knows his wy around a car.
And you know what? I'll drink to that.
Here, here, here.
You know, in fact, my very first boyfriend, he was also a grease monkey.
I-I-I ain't gonna be able to do this.
Dad, remember, remember, respect the mamas.
Calvin, I'm-I'm sorry.
Mom.
You cannot call Calvin a monkey.
It is an incredibly offensive term.
I didn't call him a monkey.
I called him a grease monkey.
They're two totally different things.
- Not the way you say it.
- Mm-mm.
You know what? I think I'm gonna go outside and get some evening air.
It's only 12:30.
I know what damn time it is, Malcolm.
Mom, you need to go outside and apologize to Calvin.
For what? Well, for calling him a grease monkey.
Now, I know you may not have meant it that way, but it is still incredibly offensive.
Fine.
If that's what'll make you happy.
Thank you.
But, honestly, you people can be so sensitive.
We should do this every year.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Calvin, I owe you an apology.
Oh, thank you.
But if you ask me, I think you're overreacting.
You think I'm overreacting? After all that stuff you said in there? You mean about thinking Marty was an athlete? Why is that such a crime? Please, let's not start talking about crime.
Let me tell you why, Paula.
Because everything you think you know about black people is a stereotype.
Oh, maybe, but in my experience, most stereotypes are rooted in the truth.
Here I am standing right here in front of you telling you that they're not, yet you won't listen.
Oh, I listen.
Yeah, to fake news.
Oh, you listen to fake news.
Oh, no, yours is faker.
No, I'm sorry, yours is much faker.
- (OVERLAPPING ARGUING) - Will you both please shut up? Did he just tell his mother to shut up? Did he just tell Calvin to shut up? I'm done joking.
I'm-a sell this to pay-per-view.
You need to stay out of this, Dave.
We're just having a conversation.
She just saying what she thinks.
Yes, but what she thinks is awful.
I have a right to my opinions.
Don't talk about me like that.
Oh, you mean like the way you talk about other people? It's like you don't care if what you say hurts them.
You know, that's exactly what I was trying to say, Paula.
(STAMMERS) Everyone's just so sensitive these days.
You know, I can actually agree with you about that.
Yes, Mom, it's everyone else's fault for being so sensitive.
It's probably from teaching empathy.
I don't understand, Mom, how someone who I love so much, who I know deep down is a good person, can say such ignorant and embarrassing things as you.
I'm sorry you feel that way about your mother.
Now if you'll excuse me Oh, shoot, here she comes! (ALL EXCLAIMING) I'm sorry if I offended any of you.
That was never my intention.
So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pack my bags.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
Paula, Paula, please don't leave.
You're family.
Yeah, Grammy, I don't want you to go.
I know, honey, but clearly your father doesn't want me here, so I guess now we know why you moved so far away.
Dave, you can't talk to your mother like that.
You need to chill, man.
Are you really defending her? Oh, I'll do more than that.
If she wanted to whup you, I would hold you down.
Look.
She's just speaking her mind, man.
It's not her fault that she is wildly misinformed.
Misinformed? She's worse than misinformed.
Yeah, well, at least with her you know where you stand.
Yes, and because of that, I wore a T-shirt in the pool until I was 18 years old.
Trust me, Dave, you're better off knowing what someone thinks.
It's when you don't is when they could sneak up on you.
When who sneaks up on you? The people that can hurt you most.
Like a son telling his mom she embarrasses him.
Yeah, but she does.
It doesn't matter.
She gave you life, man.
She deserves your respect.
Look, Paula is who she is, she's not gonna change.
But she's also not gonna be around forever.
And when she's not? I don't care how much she embarrasses you, you gonna miss her like you never missed anybody before.
Sounds like you know what you're talking about.
I do.
I miss my mother every day.
When did she pass? Oh, she didn't pass.
No, she just travels around the world with my brother, Curtis.
He has to buy her love.
Well, now I feel like a jerk.
Well, look, you'll be fine, man.
Just go in there and apologize, let her know she's the most important woman in your life, and that you'll love her no matter what.
You think she'll forgive me? Of course, man.
I mean, just tell her the only reason that you yelled at her is that you've been living around all these black people and they made you crazy.
I'm glad you decided to stay, Grammy.
Aw, well, I'm glad your father convinced me to.
I've never seen your mom change her mind.
How'd you do it? Well, I just told her the truth.
I said, even though we fight sometimes, she's still my mom and I'll always love her.
And that was enough? No.
She also thought her Uber driver looked like a terrorist she saw on TV.
You know, Gemma, this food is really delicious.
Yeah, Gemma, for a skinny white girl, you sure can burn like you black.
(LAUGHTER) Oh.
You know what, I'd like to make a toast.
To the Johnson and the Butler families, two families that have a lot to be thankful for.
And even though we don't always see eye to eye, it's good to know that if we communicate honestly, we can always find common ground.
Here, here.
(OVERLAPPING TALKING) I would just like to add to EVERYONE ELSE: No, no, no, no, no, no!