The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e08 Episode Script

Ugh.
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn it.
That looks pretty good.
- Hey, guys, how was the birthday party? - Awesome.
We got to Daniel's house, they had shuttles waiting to take us to the Kings game.
- We had seats right on the glass.
- Yeah.
And after, we went into the locker room and met the players.
It was awesome! And the best part is, in the bathroom, everyone pees in this giant sink.
Daniel's dad is a sports agent for like half the team.
Yeah, he's so cool.
I'm just a stupid contractor.
The best I could do is go into Home Depot and use the ladder without supervision.
And even though it was Daniel's birthday, I got presents.
Huh.
I got DVDs, passes to Magic Mountain, signed jerseys.
Wow.
Mom, can we have a hockey party for my birthday? Oh, can we? That would be awesome.
Sorry, kids.
Ritchie, your birthday is in less than two weeks.
We already planned your party.
Besides, you don't wanna have the same party as Daniel.
That would be boring.
- What's my party gonna be? - You're gonna have a theme party.
Luck of the Irish.
Christine, you can't throw that Luck of the Irish party again.
Everyone knows you're just trying to get rid of those shamrock plates.
- How many of those did you buy? - I don't know.
Every time I think they're almost gone, I look and there's more of them.
I swear, they multiply like the real Irish.
- Nice.
- What? I can say that, I'm Irish.
No, you're not.
I'm Irish.
Eh, whatever.
Anyway, Ritchie, your party's gonna be just as good as Daniel's.
Can we pee in the sink at my party? I said it was an Irish party.
What do you think? Why are we doing this? Does a 9-year-old really need a party planner for his birthday? Well, Richard was right, you know.
They do things differently at this school.
At his old public school I could buy a bunch of Costco cupcakes, put a hat on the dog and people thought they were invited to the royal wedding.
My traditional green hot dogs are not gonna cut it this year.
How did you get those hot dogs to turn green? Let's just say it was a happy accident.
Hello, welcome to Parties by Kit.
I'm Kit.
Is there something I can help you with? I'm sorry.
Kit? - Kit.
- Kit.
Uh, yeah, we need to plan a party.
Which month are we looking at? Uh, this one.
It's in 10 days.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Um, it's for my son's ninth birthday.
It's a week from Saturday.
Um, I know, it's kind of last minute.
Did you not know it was his birthday? No, no, I I did know.
I had a party planned, but then I was talked into doing something more extravagant.
So, what do you have in the way of extravagant? - We have different packages.
- Oh.
Uh, the platinum package includes personalized video invitations, gift bags catering, bartender, and an appearance by one of the Desperate Housewives.
I'm not able to say which one.
Teri Hatcher? What do you think? Wow.
And how much is that? Four hundred a head.
- And how much without Teri Hatcher? - Six hundred.
Oh, you're so bad.
But, um But seriously, do you have anything a little A little less extravagant? - Well, we can do your basic package - Okay.
which is no celebrities.
Uh, e-mailed invitations, a buffet, DJ and a choice of theme.
- And how much is this? - One hundred to 150 a head.
And, uh, what do you have for 100 to 150 total? This consultation.
Oh, great, we'll take that.
Yeah.
Check and Yeah, put those in there.
Yeah, that's great.
Four hundred dollars a head for a children's birthday party? What are they, insane? God, those parents don't throw those parties for their kids they throw them for themselves.
You know, all kids wanna do is have fun.
I'm putting an end to this craziness right now.
Next week, for Ritchie's birthday I'm gonna throw a party where the focus is on the kids.
Those parents can learn what a real children's birthday party is supposed to look like.
Yeah, nothing 9-year-olds enjoy more than a good old-fashioned lesson party.
Maybe you could give out spankings in the gift bags.
It's not a lesson party.
It's a party.
With a lesson.
It'll be fun.
Come on, remember when we were younger? We didn't need a lot of stuff to make a good party.
Mom would make that Duncan Hines cake, Daddy would turn on the sprinkler.
Mom would scream at Dad for the sprinklers Dad would get an apartment, Mom would make me sleep in her bed.
All for under a hundred bucks.
Okay, yeah, good.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That looks nice, huh? Oh.
Like a good old-fashioned children's birthday party.
At the hockey party they put our pictures on the scoreboard and Kelly Clarkson sang "Happy Birthday" to Daniel.
It was awesome.
We are gonna have plenty of fun, all right? We've got food, we got music.
Games.
Lookie here, the craft center.
Glitter glue and a pile of macaroni? Yeah, kids are gonna decorate their own frames and I'm gonna take a Polaroid so they have a permanent memento of the good time that they had.
Are you gonna get them stoned first? Because that's really the only way they're gonna have any fun at all.
Okay, you are this close to being uninvited to this party.
Oh, God, the party's starting.
Uh, Ritchie, Ritchie, the party's starting.
Honey, your friends are here.
Your friends are here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, wow, a craft table.
See? Drug-free fun.
- Hi, guys.
Hello.
- Welcome.
Come in.
- Hi.
- Thanks for inviting us.
- Absolutely.
It's a sweet neighborhood.
It's like the land that time forgot.
I love these old cottages.
So rustic.
Reminds me of our place on the lake.
- Where's the party? - Here.
Is there a bus coming to take us to the party? No, no, this is the party.
It smells funny in here.
Um, well, you know, that's probably the potato salad.
Like we have at the lake.
Hey, Kelsey.
Hey, Ashley.
You guys wanna go see my room? Oh, uh, no, no, Ritchie.
We only cleaned this part of the house.
Tell you what.
Why don't you take them to the crafts table and show them how to decorate a frame? Okay.
Come on, guys.
We have to do homework? Oh, not homework, party work.
You will be graded though.
That's just a funny joke.
Yeah, come on in.
Oh, hi, guys.
Come, come.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, hi, Jack.
It stinks in here.
I'm sorry, he's going through a thing where he feels it's necessary to tell the truth all the time.
I'm not the first person to ever make potato salad.
Can I have something to drink? I'm gonna have to see some ID.
I don't have an ID.
All right.
But you didn't get it from me.
Wow, you got a laugh out of him.
He usually doesn't laugh this much unless something's on fire.
- I take it you're Jack's mom.
- Guilty.
So, uh, where's Jack's dad? - Probably with his new girlfriend.
- Ouch.
- Liz.
- Matthew.
- Single? - Oh, and then some.
Okay, kids, now I get to take your picture and then you get to put it in your hand-decorated picture frame.
- Christine, this is such a darling party.
- Oh.
So homey and comfy-cozy.
- Decorated this place yourself, didn't you? - Yeah, I did.
Heh.
Oh.
Um, okay, guys, listen up.
This is the fun part.
So I'm gonna take your picture and then you get to put it in your homemade picture frame and then boom.
You've got yourself a nice little party favor.
Okay, so let's see whose is whose.
Which one of you is? All right, who wrote "This blows"? All right, say goodbye to your party favor.
And same goes for "I'm bored," and "Help me.
" I'm sorry.
That was mine.
When's Teri Hatcher going to be here? No, there's There's no Teri Hatcher.
But who likes Carole King? Uh, Richard, go get my guitar.
Yeah, just get it, Richard.
- So singing, huh? - Yeah.
- I bet the kids are gonna love that.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay.
Do you like being a nanny? I do.
Although I prefer the term "manny.
" It emphasizes my manness and nanny-ness together.
- So is that your car I saw in the driveway? - Yes, it is.
- Do you have a clean driving record? - I wash it myself.
You free on the weekends? I'm available 24/2.
Good.
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw it.
Is Christine gonna be okay with you taking a second job? What? She was hitting on me.
She was interviewing her new nanny.
She was fondling my leg.
People don't fondle their nannies.
Yeah, that never happens.
Where did you get wine? That's the beauty of this neighborhood.
You're so close to the liquor stores.
Well, I'm just gonna get the cake started and then we can wrap things up here.
Oh, a cake.
You really went all out.
Yeah, look, I get it.
It's not a good party.
I mean, I tried to do something and obviously it failed.
But would I do it again? No, I would not.
Kelsey, look, I found a dollar in the couch.
Oh, Ashley, honey, put that back.
The Campbells need that money.
No, no, no, that's okay.
Go ahead and keep it.
Look, I found batteries.
Can I keep them? Yeah, they're all yours.
What about this glove? Yeah, if you find the other one, both can be yours.
Hey, Mom, is this a treasure hunt? Would you like for it to be a treasure hunt? Hey, guys, it's a treasure hunt.
Yay! Look, there's a lot of junk over there.
Yeah, there is.
Use the whole house.
There's crap hidden everywhere.
Yay! Ha-ha-ha.
A treasure hunt.
Maybe you should try that at the lake.
I'd better go.
Jack's all amped up on sugar so it's a good time to drop him off at his dad's.
But I'll see you tomorrow, right? Well, yeah, you're picking Jack up from school.
- Oh.
- And then you and I will have dinner.
- Oh.
- Just pick something up when you're at the market.
- Oh.
I'll see you tomorrow then.
Oh.
What? Bye-bye, thanks for coming.
Bye, guys.
That was fun.
Bye.
Heh.
- Thanks for all the stuff.
- Oh, sure.
The was a brilliant treasure hunt, Christine.
And I'll get your bra back to you after Jack goes to sleep.
Well, you keep it as long as he He needs it.
Bye-bye.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you, Christine.
- Sure.
- Come on, sweetie.
- I don't want to leave.
We're going.
I don't wanna be in this neighborhood after dark.
- What do you say to Mrs.
Campbell? - I wish I lived here.
That really hurts my feelings.
That lasted for six hours.
I believe that is a birthday-party record.
- You know what I smell? - I know, I smell it too.
Should we light a candle or something? No, that's the smell of success.
I mean, those kids were really having fun.
I'm really proud of us.
Us? Us? No way, that was all me, baby.
Mom, that was an awesome party.
Yeah, did you like it? Yeah, all my friends had so much fun.
Oh.
Well, it was so my pleasure, Ritchie.
You know, it just goes to show you, you don't need a lot of money to have a whole lot of fun, you know.
I think everybody learned a very valuable lesson today.
Look at this.
Kelsey got me a weekend in Catalina and a helicopter ride around the island.
Oh.
The best part is they bought their gift before they learned their lesson.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, honey.
Gosh, how was school? Was everybody talking about your party? - Yeah.
- Ah! I knew it.
What'd they say? Tell her, Ritchie.
Tell her what they said.
I have a nickname.
They gave you a nickname.
How great is that? - What is it? - Tell her, Ritchie.
Tell her what your nickname is.
Poor Kid.
What? Poor Kid.
Everyone calls me that now.
- Can I go play with my presents? - Sure.
Thanks.
"Poor Kid"? That's right.
Poor Kid.
Hey, maybe he can write it in macaroni on his picture frame.
And then sell it for food.
Well, I Those kids had fun.
That was a good party.
Only by accident.
If you didn't have such a filthy house it would've been a disaster.
Face it.
You sacrificed your son to teach them a lesson.
I didn't.
I honestly thought it was possible to have a good party without celebrities.
- What are we gonna do? - We? Oh, no.
It's all you, baby.
- How am I gonna fix this? - You're not.
You're gonna leave it alone and hopefully those kids will find some other outcast and refocus their attention on him.
And, of course, the kid with the big shoe had to transfer out last week.
What was his nickname again? Big Shoe.
Okay, I'll see you later, Mom.
Uh, you know what, sweetie? Wait a second.
Um - Yeah.
- Ahem.
Listen, Ritchie, uh, I owe you an apology.
Uh The truth is, um that I couldn't really afford to throw you one of those fancy parties Mm-hm.
and so I decided to make a statement.
And that wasn't very fair to you.
Um, so Heh.
It's It's really my fault that you got that nickname and I feel terrible about it.
That's okay, Mom.
I liked my party.
Yeah, but what about the nickname? It doesn't really bother me.
- Hey, Poor Kid.
- Hey, Kelsey.
- Hey, Poor Kid.
- Hey, Jack.
I'll see you later, Mom.
Okay, so on Friday I told you we'd be starting our chapter on the California Missions.
How many of you have ever been to a mission? Ashley.
I've been to the Four Seasons on Maui.
Yes, yes, Ashley.
I remember you brought that up when we were studying fractions.
Mrs.
Campbell, is everything okay? Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could just get a minute with the kids, Mrs.
Belt? - Hi, sweetie.
- Uh, sure.
Ha, ha.
Thank you.
Ahem.
Um, hi, guys.
Uh, this won't take long.
Heh.
I just wanted to talk to you for a minute about the nickname that you gave to Ritchie.
Who? Uh Uh, Poor Kid.
Sorry, sweetie.
Anyway, I know that Ritchie says that his nickname doesn't bother him but I'm here because I've had a nickname and it certainly did bother me.
- What was it? - That's not important.
Now, I know that you're just kids and you're just having fun but you need to know that sometimes words can hurt.
My nickname stuck with me from third grade all the way through my freshman year of college.
- What was it? - Again, not the point.
The point is that I pretended it didn't bother me too.
But it did.
And I was hoping that it would go away, but it didn't.
- What was it? - Ritchie.
Come on, Mrs.
Campbell, you know, I think your story would have more impact if you told us what the nickname was.
Okay.
Fine.
It was Pooter.
It's not quite funny.
It isn't funny.
Because I'd had the stomach flu the whole week before and then I came back to school a little bit too early and I shifted wrong in my seat and one just flew out.
All right, children.
Children, that's bad manners.
Thank you, Mrs.
Belt.
Mrs.
Campbell is trying to tell us a very painful story from her childhood and you have to imagine how difficult it must have been to carry that nickname, Pooter.
Well, I think I've made my point.
And the point is nicknames hurt.
God I can't believe that nickname is back.
And I'm the one that brought it back.
Hey, you are a good mom.
And that was a great birthday present, taking a bullet for your kid.
Why couldn't it have been an actual bullet? Hey, what's the deal with you? Did you ever find out if you're dating Liz? Well, we slept together.
Oh, that clears it up.
Then she paid me and asked me if I needed a ride to the bus stop.
Sorry.
Guess you won't be seeing her again, huh? Did you not hear me? She slept with me, then paid me.
It's the best relationship I've ever had.
You are disgusting.
Yeah, you should talk, Pooter.