The Ranch (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

All right, I got "H-O-R.
" You got "H-O.
" It's your shot.
All right, for this one you gotta start seated on the tailgate shoot lefty, hip-hop style, and punch yourself in the balls if you miss.
Whoo-hoo! You're welcome, little buddies.
All right, all right.
Easy, Annie Oakley.
I ain't worried.
You ain't never beaten me at nothing your entire life.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you always choke under pressure.
Yeah, right, that ain't true.
Oh, yeah? Come on, summer camp? Minigolf? All you had to do was get it through the clown's mouth in four shots.
It took you so long that little girl's birthday party asked if they could play through.
Yeah, well, right now that little girl's a hot college student someplace.
She owes me one.
Okay.
State fair.
Hot dog eating contest.
Dad had to give you the Heimlich.
You literally choked under pressure.
Shoot the damn gun.
I'm gonna do what I've been doing since I was 12 years old.
Hit the bottle.
Oh! Oh, my God! If Dad ain't dead, he's gonna be pissed.
What the hell? Shit, he ain't dead.
Yeah, you're not kidding.
Oh, and by the way, you missed.
- Dad, we are so sorry.
- Yeah, we are so sorry.
Before you say anything, I just wanna let you know, it was Colt's fault.
I don't care whose fault it was Colt's.
What the hell is wrong with you two? The next time you start messing around with the guns, do me a favor point 'em at each other.
Okay, like I like I said, we're real sorry.
I mean, we've just been working so hard, we were trying to blow off some steam.
- And I I went to - I'll fix the window right away, okay? Who's gonna fix the TV? TV? Oh, my God, you killed my best friend! We'll save up and buy a new one.
We're not gettin' a new one.
We don't need it.
Okay, Dad, you're kiddin', right? Food, water, shelter, TV.
These are necessities of life.
We gotta stop spendin' money on things we don't need.
You know what I saw in the fridge this morning? Oh, well, I put my cell phone in there so the FBI can't track me.
I learned that from you, Daddy.
What in the fuck is almond milk? It's milk.
Show me the tit on an almond.
Look, it's better for you than regular milk.
It's got less calories and it's loaded with vitamin E.
It's like coconut water.
Now, you're just makin' shit up.
We have got to stop spending money on crap like this when we're trying to keep this ranch afloat.
Okay.
Isn't it always a little bit tight right before we take the calves to market? This year's different.
That's the nature of the beast.
Our bills have doubled.
We got an extra person living in the house.
That means extra food, extra utilities extra nut juice.
Colt, you heard the man.
Get out.
But wait What about the 15 years when I didn't use any utilities 'cause I deserted the family? You're welcome.
On top of that, we got a surprise assessment from the power co-op and a love letter from the state raising our property taxes.
You know what they use those taxes for? Space ships.
To go diggin' around on Mars.
Hey, NASA, you want red dirt? Land in my backyard and have at it.
- Well, Dad, maybe we can sell - Stop.
I've been giving this a lot of thought and I don't see any other way around it.
We're gonna have to ask for a loan to ride this out.
We gotta get a loan? Man, this is more serious than I thought.
Dad hates banks.
He always said the only bank he ever needed was under his mattress.
Pretty stupid thing to tell me, because the only bank I ever needed was under his mattress.
Oh, uh, you must be Mr.
Bennett.
Uh, I'm Bill Jensen.
How are you? Not great, Mr.
Jensen, otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Well, 'course, uh, times are very tough for a lot of ranchers.
I can certainly understand Oh, oh, excuse me excuse me, uh, what's your name? Oh, hey, I'm the Rooster.
Okay, uh, nice to meet you, Mr Rooster.
Uh, could you, uh, please not touch anything on my desk? Oh, yeah, sure, sorry about that.
- That's your wife? - Uh, that's my daughter.
Ooh.
Hello.
She is very beautiful.
Uh, well, here are some fun facts about her.
She is the class valedictorian, uh, captain of the soccer team, she is 17 and her dad owns five firearms.
So, uh, here is the standard loan application.
It's, uh, it's fairly simple.
I'm not giving you my Social Security number.
Okay, so maybe it won't be that simple.
So Colt Bennett.
Guilty as charged.
You want me to sign something for you? A football or a photo? Uh, never signed a man's chest before, but if it helps get the loan approved, well, I'll give it a go.
No, uh, actually we've, uh, we've met before.
Uh, I was a referee in your division when you were playing for Garrison.
I haven't always been a, uh, an award-winning equity loan originator and customer satisfaction associate.
You do any of my big games? Uh, actually, I was behind the whistle for, uh, the championship game your Junior year.
- Really? - Mmm.
- The line judge? - That's right.
That's right.
Uh, growin' up, I knew I wanted to be either a referee or a mid-level bank employee.
It's called living two dreams.
You're the reason we lost that game.
- How's that? - I scored that touchdown at the end.
I was afraid of this.
Okay, for the record, you were down at the one.
But maybe you didn't hear the whistle 'cause you were too busy encouraging the opposing team's fans to, quote, "Suck it.
Suck it all the way back to Grand Junction.
" Everyone in that stadium saw me cross that goal line except for one person.
And everyone in this room is acting real appropriately except for one person.
Says the guy who wants to sleep with my underage daughter.
Well, you know what, it's You made a bad call.
- Colt.
- No, Dad.
No.
I mean, come on.
People make mistakes.
I mean, except your mistake cost me the state championship.
Also cost me a hot cheerleader three-way I was promised if I won the game.
You won the title the next year.
Them girls had graduated.
Dream killer.
Okay, look, you know what? I did not make a mistake.
I very clearly saw your knee touch the ground before the ball broke the plane of the goal line.
So, you can, "Suck it! Suck it all the way back to 3712, uh, County Road 145.
" - You know what you can suck? - Colt, shut up.
Okay, I have to put up with my daughter calling my ex-wife's new husband "Dad," but I do not have to put up with this! Okay.
Deep breath, Bill.
Three, two, one, one, two, three.
What the heck is bothering me? I'm sorry about that.
Do you have any questions, Mr.
Bennett? Yeah.
Where do I sign? Uh, right on that last line.
Or you could sign across the line.
He won't know either way.
Okay, that's it! Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, later I'll have a bottle of wine.
You were down at the one.
Oh.
Oh, oh, hello, Colt.
Am I interrupting? Oh, no, not at all.
Uh, just, uh, fighting the the banker's bulge.
Hazards of a sedentary lifestyle.
You know, when you study the actuary tables, the numbers show that this is as dangerous a profession as being a firefighter.
Really? Well, that that can't be true.
When you've brought casseroles to as many grieving bankers' widows as I have, then we'll talk.
Okay.
Um, I just I wanted to apologize.
I think I came on a little bit too strong.
Colt I get it.
You know we're a couple of testosterone-fueled men.
Two big bucks, knocking antlers.
Getting that velvet off.
Okay, uh I was just I'm I just hope this doesn't affect the loan.
Oh, no! Uh, not at all.
Uh, I would never do that.
You have nothing to worry about.
Uh, the loan is being turned down purely on merit.
Turned down? Why? Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm paid to assess risk.
And between the debt-equity ratio and those new banking regulations Thanks, Obama.
It's just a risk we can't absorb right now.
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no.
My dad's not a risk.
He's a he's a great rancher.
I'm not saying he isn't.
Look approving a loan is a completely objective process.
It's like reffing a football game.
I didn't want to call you down at the one.
That was a bad night for me, too.
You know, somebody peed in my convertible? I did not know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
People hated me.
Bags of crap on my doorstep, uh, dirty looks when I went to the store.
Why do you think I have to keep myself in the peak of physical condition? I have to live here.
Between denying loans and my years as a ref, I don't have many friends left.
I'll be your friend.
Colt, I can't give you the loan.
Fuck you, Bill! Friendship over! - Can I get a "T"? - What are you doing? I'm listening to the Wheel of Fortune.
How's that going? Category is Phrase.
There's two T's on the board but I can't tell where.
Loan got denied.
What? You serious? Yeah.
The guy said the ranch was too much risk.
- Son of a bitch.
- Yeah, right? Oh, man, what're we gonna do now? I don't know.
Get some odd jobs, sell off some shit.
How much you think we can get for a 50-inch flat-screen radio? Yo, how bad of shape do you think we're in? You know how at the airport they got those colors to tell you - how scared you're supposed to be? - Yeah.
Well, I got a similar system to rank the state of the ranch.
I use quarterbacks.
When the ranch is in perfect condition, it's "John Elway.
" Obviously.
What state are we in now? "Tim Tebow.
" It's real bad, but at least we know we got God rooting for us.
Which one of you two numb nuts left the pitchfork laying in the driveway? Well, looks like you're in a good mood.
Colt's got something to tell ya.
Plus, he's the one who left the pitchfork in the driveway.
I went back to the bank.
We didn't get the loan.
Okay.
Do you want to talk about this? We just did.
I'm gonna go check the generator.
He didn't even yell.
Yeah, this is real bad.
I don't think we're in "Tim Tebow" anymore.
What's worse than "Tim Tebow"? "Colt Bennett.
" What are you doing? Adding a little A1 sauce.
Are you saying the steak needs improvement? Do not answer.
It's a trap.
No, I'm just changing the flavor profile.
Oh, that's a bad answer.
If you bought a Ferrari would you get an automatic? Uh, I'm pretty sure that's the only way they make 'em these days, Dad.
I hate you.
You see? You mess up Dad's steak and he turns the power off with his mind.
Oh, probably just blew a fuse.
Nope.
I turned it off.
Changes are a-comin', boys.
I called the power company and had 'em cut off the electricity.
Are we really in that bad a shape? You had to turn the power off? Yeah, Dad, you didn't have to do that.
We need money that bad, I can sell my bike.
Although I still think option number one should be getting rid of Colt.
I'm doing this while I still have a choice.
We got plenty of propane to run the generator for the essentials until we get the calves to market.
Gonna save us a couple of hundred dollars a month.
It's a pretty big decision to make.
Why didn't you ask our opinion? Well, short answer is I don't care about your opinions.
And the long answer is I don't give a shit about your opinions.
You know, we've been working our asses off.
This isn't just your ranch.
This is our ranch.
Yeah.
I mean, when you die, I want to run this place.
You know, it's when you say stupid shit like that, he's not gonna respect our opinions.
You really think this is your ranch? You spend half your time drinking and fucking off like 12-year-olds.
You picked a fight with the man that was responsible for giving us a loan.
Dad, I offered to set your banking up online.
I offered to put in a cistern to collect the runoff.
We try to help, you don't let us.
When you really wanna help someone, you don't offer.
You just do it.
You start doin' that I'll ask for your opinion.
You two wanna be shown respect? Start growing up.
Act like men.
You had to put A1 sauce on your steak.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Can I charge my phone back there? Oh, Hank's charging his iPad.
You have an iPad? What, I can't have nice things? What's wrong? What makes you think something's wrong? Well, you just picked up a random beer and started drinking it.
We're not supposed to do that? Look, Colt, if I'm going to be a widow or a grandmother, I need to know.
Those are two completely different outfits.
Okay.
You remember my Junior year in the state championship game where I scored a touchdown and You didn't score a touchdown.
Whatever.
Uh, it's Okay, don't tell Dad that I told you.
We didn't get the loan.
Dad had to turn off the power.
- Really? - Yeah.
Rooster said it's the worst he's ever seen it.
He called it "Colt Bennett bad.
" While I don't appreciate being at the bottom of that scale - it scared the crap out of me.
- Yeah.
Well, if it's any help in the winter of '81, we lost almost half the herd.
We turned off the power till the next spring.
But we made it through.
That was "Colt Bennett bad.
" Once again, I don't think we need to use that scale.
- I suppose that's reassuring.
- Yeah.
You know, your father's been able to handle anything that's ever been thrown his way.
If there were one rancher in this whole state who can make it through a tough time, I'd bet on Beau Bennett.
So, you just do whatever you can to support him.
Support him? I don't even know how bad it is.
I mean, he won't tell us what's happening, he won't involve us in anything, and he won't let anybody help him.
Oh, trust me, I know.
He thinks tow truck drivers are enablers.
Look, son, you grew up on that ranch.
You know what to do.
Well Thanks, Mom.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
How'd you and Dad make it three months without any power? Well, the power went out in the winter and you were born the next fall, - so we basically just - Okay, okay, okay.
I got it.
Power out? No, it's mood lighting.
Can I talk to you? Do I have to talk back? Oh, so it's bad mood lighting.
I spoke with Colt.
Damn kid can't keep his mouth shut.
Yeah, he's kind of the opposite of his father that way.
He was scared.
And I told him about '81 and I think it reassured him.
In '81, we got the loan.
Yeah, I might've left that part out.
You know, this is like when you didn't want me to tell him there was no Santa Claus.
He was four.
And you wonder why he's soft.
You still didn't have to tell him in the mall, in front of all those other kids.
Saved all those parents two hours of waiting in line.
You know, if I had any money to give you, I would.
Well, I appreciate that, Mags.
But I wouldn't take it if you did.
Although maybe Colt would want it for that coconut water.
Is that a real thing? I believe it is.
I hate everyone.
Look, I've been thinking, and just hear me out I could put the bar up as collateral for you.
And I appreciate that but that's the same as offering me money.
You need help.
It may as well come from me.
This ranch isn't your concern anymore, Maggie.
Bullshit.
My sons still live here.
And whether we end up divorced or not, that makes it my concern.
Plus, if you lose this place, they're gonna want to live with me in my Airstream and there's no fucking way that's gonna happen.
I don't want your money and I don't want to talk.
I got enough problems.
Yeah, well, now you got one less.
I don't hate you.
Or Ronald Reagan.
You know what the worst part about living without power is? Yeah, no hair dryer.
This is a selfie-free day.
No, man.
The worst part about living without power is means living without porn.
Earlier today, I had to use a T.
J.
Maxx catalog.
Thank God for yoga pants.
Colt, what in the hell do you think you're doing? Chopping wood, helping out.
Isn't that what you want us to do? What I want you to do is keep your mouth shut.
What are you talking about? The fact that you're talking to your mother about our business.
Oh, oh.
So, now that you're pissed, it's our business.
All right, let's not forget that Colt's the one who opened his mouth.
He's also the one who puts A1 sauce on your steak, so The last thing I need is your mother coming here, putting her nose in it, and offering to put up the bar as collateral.
She did that? That's great.
Yeah, then, we can go get the loan.
I told her no way in hell.
Why would you do that? You're always bitching how Mom chose the bar over you, now she's willing to put it up to save your ass, you're too proud to accept her help? Yeah we all got to change but you can still be the same bull-headed, stubborn jackass? Is that how it works? I'm gonna go check the generator.
He's always going to check the generator.
I think he just says that 'cause he doesn't want to listen to us anymore.
So, anyway I was trying to use the Lands' End catalog it's, like, wintertime, so everyone's wearing a sweater.
I'm gonna go check the generator.
Hey.
Okay, I'd offer you a whiskey, but I know you're closed.
Well, I was gonna say, you couldn't afford it.
Suppose I deserve that.
What are you doing here, Beau? - Listen, I came here - No, you know what? You listen to me.
I care about this ranch and I care about this family.
And I'm really not in the mood to talk to you if you're not gonna let me help.
Well, that's fair.
Just let me say this.
When I was a kid, my dad was real straight on how to run a ranch.
Cattle are grass-fed, don't waste free water and try to run out of whiskey and time on the same day.
He was a good man.
Yeah.
He was a lot like me.
But, you know, without the sense of humor.
He taught me everything I know.
Most of all, he taught me that hard work will always get you through.
What he didn't say is what to do when hard work wasn't enough.
Beau, I've built up some equity in this place.
Why not use it? Maggie, it's not that I don't want your help.
If I let you put this place at risk and I fail then I take you down with me.
Well, I believe in you.
So, that's not gonna happen.
I wish I believed that as much as you do.
Come on, everything's gonna be all right.
I'm proud of you, Maggie what you've done here.
You know that, right? I do now.