The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s01e08 Episode Script
The Surprise Party
[whooping, shouting.]
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go, baby.
Come on.
I can't hear you guys! They ain't ready for us! They ain't ready for us! Whoo! - Yeah! Let's go, baby, let's go! [whooping and cheering.]
Mmm.
There's just something about a man covered in paint.
Mmm.
Dude, are you studying at a tailgate? Yeah, but only because I'm failing econ.
Well, maybe you'd be doing better if you didn't spend so much time railing Leighton's brother.
- Okay.
- [mimics mattress squeaking.]
- Bela, Bela, Bela! You just spilled beer all over my textbook.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Ugh.
And Nico's bed doesn't squeak like that.
It thuds, like, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Hello, ladies.
- Hi, Leighton.
- Hi, Leighton.
Wait, why'd you stop talking when I showed up? Is it Is it my glasses? I know they're ugly, but my fucking mom forgot to send my contacts.
No! It's just surprising that you came.
Well, I'm not really jazzed to watch soccer, but I did want to come and support Whitney.
You like Whitney? - Yes, I like Whitney.
She's our roommate.
Do you like me? I guess.
Stop asking me if I like people.
Everyone's fine.
Anyway, I can't stay long.
I have to plan a surprise party for my brother's birthday.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know Nico's birthday was coming up.
That's so cool.
Yeah, I always plan his party.
And I have some really good surprises in store this time.
It'd be really great for me if I could get the "Catullan" writers in for an exclusive event.
Yeah, I'm sure my brother would love to have eight nerdy writers hanging around.
No plus ones.
But we are invited.
- Sure.
both: Yes! Wait, they're pulling in! [cheering.]
Oh, my God, it's Whitney! Hey, girl! - Whitney! all: [cheering.]
- You came? - Of course, we did.
We love you! [laughs.]
Also, we ran out of mixers.
Can we have some of your team's Gatorade? No! - No worries! We'll see you inside! Whoo! And the score is tied two to two as we enter overtime.
[cheering.]
When I say Es, you say Sex! Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
Hey, do either of you ever get this thing where you feel like you have to pee but nothing comes out? - Bitch, you have a UTI.
Oh, my God, no! Did you forget to pee after sex? Are you supposed to do that? Someone didn't read their vagina's manual.
Wait, are you having sex with someone? Who? - Me? Kimberly Finkle? Having casual sex? [chuckles.]
That's a laugh.
There are a lot of other ways to get a UTI.
You probably sat on a wet library chair for too long.
- Right, that's probably it.
Anyway, these cold bleachers are really helping numb the area.
Just a reminder, my friend Maya is visiting this week, so if we could talk less about infected genitals No promises.
- Something's happening! Run, bitch! Run! [crowd cheering.]
Go! Go! Get your girl, get your girl, get your girl! - Oh, go Whitney! Go Whitney! Go! - Oh! - Ooh.
[whistle blasts.]
- Yes! Ugh! Oh, don't take her hand, Whitney! Slap her in the fucking mouth! [whistle blasts.]
- Yellow card number 12.
Penalty kick for Essex.
Hey, no pressure.
But if you make this shot, we go to the NCAA tournament.
Make the damn shot.
You got this! - Yeah.
- All right, here we go.
Ready? - You got this! ["Broken Promised Land" by Claire.]
Come on, Whitney! Let's dream ourselves away from here You got this, Whitney! Yeah! [cheering.]
Golden goal scored by number 21, Whitney Chase.
Essex wins! [whistle twirs.]
all: [screaming.]
Yeah! Don't stop until it's gone Pick a point On the horizon [alarm beeps.]
It is 11 a.
m.
.
That is 100 community service hours.
I am out of here.
We knew you'd be excited, so Ginger made you cupcakes! They're allergen free! But full of love.
And carob chips.
- Thank you.
- Do you want to stay for the rest of today's meeting? Oh, not at all, actually, but thank you.
- Okay.
- Alicia, Ginger, Tova, I will cherish all of the lessons you have taught me.
And to the rest of you I think one of you is named Rebecca.
Oh, both of you.
Don't forget your cupcakes.
- You know what, Ginger? I will take one.
Oh.
- I'm free, bitches! Whoo! [light music.]
Wow.
One small step for a South Asian woman, on giant leap New writer alert! - Carla? What are you doing here? Did you get tapped too? - Yeah.
I worked really flippin' hard on my submission.
I guess they really flippin' liked it.
Well, cool.
It's so fun that you're here.
Ladies first.
[upbeat music.]
Holy crap, this is incredible.
Wow.
Check it out! This is gonna be me and you one day.
Best friends and coeditors.
- I'm gonna take a seat.
- Me too.
- All right, come on, guys.
Let's get started.
First off, congratulations to our new "Catullan" writers.
All right, yeah.
I'm sure we are witnessing the start of some very successful comedy careers.
Until you have kids and turn into complacent hacks.
It's a tradition for new writers to submit a piece on their first day.
And, in an age-old practice dating back to 2013, the best piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Pieces are due at midnight.
Maybe it'd be cool if we wrote something together.
Oh, I'm sure that's not allowed.
Evangeline, Bela and I want to co-write a piece.
Is that cool? - We don't have to.
Really, it's Sure.
Uh, Bela and Carla will be writing one together.
You can work in groups.
- Shaweet.
Very nice.
my wife.
Have you seen "Borat"? - Obviously.
- I'm sure it's so good.
Never thought that I could take these steps But I kept the focus on myself Your first UTI.
I remember mine well.
I had just conned my way into a birthright trip into Israel Thanks, Lila, but I'm trying to ignore it.
A UTI is a rite of passage.
You gotta wear it like a crown.
An uncomfortable, scratchy crown that you can't wait to take off.
[laughter.]
Hey, guys, I seriously have no idea what to get Nico for his birthday, and I'm stressing.
Well, I think it's pretty obvious.
You gotta get him a sexy gift.
Oh, like silky boxers.
- No, like, something erotic.
Like a cock ring.
- A what? - She's wrong.
Get Nico something nice, but slightly impersonal, so he doesn't think you're trying too hard.
Maybe a nice journal.
- A journal? Hot guys don't journal.
They just let their thoughts fade away.
It's what makes them hot.
I just want to get him something small and meaningful, but something I know he'll like.
As long as you pair it with a nasty handwritten card.
Something like, "Happy Birthday, Nico, I love that thick dick.
Regards, Kimberly.
" Boom, you're welcome.
Shakespeare.
Hey.
So you going to this party tomorrow too? - Yeah, are you? - Nah, I already have plans.
Hanging out with Darius for a bit, and then meeting up with you when you leave the party early? [gasps.]
Hmm.
Sound good? I might be available for that.
Cool.
So, you guys are gonna work or something? - I am.
- I'm sick, I have a UTI.
Well, uh, good luck with that.
Thank you.
- Poor baby girl.
Drink up.
Hey, you wanted to see me? Yep, come on in.
- Let me guess.
After the other night, companies are reaching out about endorsing me? I'll hold out for Adidas.
Well, it has come to my attention that Coach Dalton has been having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a player.
What? That's crazy.
And gross.
Well, I have to ask.
I mean, do you know anything about this, or - Me? No.
I can't even imagine it.
Dalton's so old he's still on Facebook.
- [laughs.]
Okay.
Well, look.
If you hear anything, let me know.
Um, obviously we have to take this very seriously.
Of course.
I'll think on it, and let you know if anything comes to mind.
Um, I assume you already talked to Becky? Not implying anything, but I did see them share a power bar once.
You are not the first person to mention that.
Huh.
All right, well, that's very helpful.
Thank you.
You can go.
- Oh, right.
["A Thousand Words" by Jay Som playing.]
Remember to call me When you're feeling blue [line ringing.]
- Hi, you've reached Dalton.
Please leave a message, and I'll call you back.
Shit.
Go on and speak your truth - Oh, my God.
I just thought about what our piece should be.
Cool, what is it? What if we write a piece about what TV characters say when they orgasm? I don't think we want people to picture Fred Flintstone getting off.
Right, it's cringey.
I'll think of something else.
No rush.
Sometimes the best ideas take a while to find.
You know you're like the only person at "The Catullan" who's nice to me.
I'm sure that'll change with time.
- Well, Eric's not that bad.
- Eric? The only time I've seen Eric smile was when I tripped on a cord.
- [chuckles.]
Well, he's better than Ryan.
Hey, I have an idea for a piece.
What about a Tinder profile for the John Essex statue.
Ryan showed me his dick.
In a bad way.
- Are you serious? He called me into his office to talk about piece formatting and then he took it out.
And it's all I can think about whenever I'm at "The Catullan.
" Are you gonna tell anyone? I don't know.
Everybody already thinks I'm so weird.
Has he ever done anything like that to you? - Ryan? No.
Not at all.
- Yeah.
Forget I said anything.
Let's write your funny idea.
Yeah? - Yeah.
[mellow music.]
This is for my brother's 21st birthday.
I will need a crepe station option that is both sweet and savory.
Well, then I will await your manager's call at this number.
Oh, are you serving me some rich mommy party planner? I'm very into that.
Um, hey, what is with your neighbor with the red hair? She was staring at me while I was waiting at the door.
Oh, she's my best friend.
I'm kidding.
I don't talk to my neighbors.
Do you think I'm insane? - [giggles.]
Dude, planning a party in Vermont is challenging.
No one has taste.
Yeah, about that.
Am I, like, invited to this, or Oh, I figured you wouldn't want to go.
And don't you think you coming as my plus one would be, like, this whole thing? There it is.
- What? - You don't want me there because you're worried people will figure you out.
Hey, it is a birthday party for my brother who you have met, like, once.
Okay, can we please not make this into a bigger thing than it has to be? - It's It's not about the party.
I just I just want to know that you and me can exist Outside of this one room.
- We can.
- Okay? - Cool.
Uh, well, this got weird.
I'm gonna go.
Are - I'm gonna text you later.
Okay? Sure.
You say you can't hold anything back It's a habit You say what's on your mind, mm Whatever's on your mind Mm Willow, I am freaking out.
- Yeah, I would be too.
This shit is crazy.
Have you talked to Dalton? No, he's not answering any of my calls or texts.
Both on my phone or on this burner I just bought.
- You bought a burner? Whitney, what the fuck? You're going full-blown "Homeland.
" What was I supposed to do? I can't have this come out.
Black senator's daughter has inappropriate relationship with coach? That gets aired on Fox news.
- Okay, you're not wrong.
Like, I would watch that.
But I think you can chill.
I talked to Coach Woods, and she thinks Dalton was sleeping with Jena.
- Jena? Why would she think that? Because I told her I thought it was Jena.
She didn't mention you once.
- Did you find out where this is coming from? Apparently Dalton's wife called her when she found a box of condoms in his car.
And a Google search on his iPad that said "Is it illegal for a coach to sleep with a player?" God, he's such a fucking idiot! Well, you weren't fucking him for his amazing brain.
But you just need to lay low and this will blow over.
There's nothing pointing to you.
Wow! Thank you so much for helping me with my chemistry homework.
I understand covalent bonds now.
- Relax, she already knows.
- Oh.
The head coach found out Dalton was sleeping with someone on the team.
- Oh, shit.
Do they know it's you? No, you're the only two people who do and I trust you both, slash, will murder you if you say anything.
Okay, but having witnessed some white-collar crime over the years, if I were you, I'd reset my phone to factory settings and wipe my hard drive.
- She doesn't need to do that.
- I already did both.
- Smart girl.
So, you rich people are just naturally good at covering shit up, aren't you? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Got a little bit of sunshine I'm not always such a downer, doll Kinda ended in a bro mine Ever since I let the good times roll How's the studying going? - Good.
Productive.
I like it.
[exhales.]
Have you earned a break? I want you on top.
'Cause my arms are kind of wrecked right now.
[laughs.]
Okay.
But can I ask you something first? What's up? You play guitar.
Hypothetically speaking, would a gift card to, like, a guitar website be a birthday gift you'd be excited about? - You don't have to get me a gift.
- Are you kidding? Gift-giving's in the Finkle DNA.
Did you not see my mom slinging around purse hooks at Parents Weekend? Your mom's cute.
But, seriously, you don't have to get me a gift.
- Okay, let's do it.
But let's be quick, 'cause I have a lot of work I have to catch up on.
Hey, Siri, set me a timer for 45 seconds.
I'm all in white 'Cause I have soul Where you go live I wanted you so-o-o But for a while I'm on a roll Well, love in those eyes And that's all I know Are you just now getting home? Wait, is this a walk of shame? So you are sleeping with someone.
I mean, is it a walk of shame if I stayed up all night in the library hooking up with my textbook? Like, blehhh.
Wow, we are so different.
Are you excited for the party tonight? - I'm so excited.
I bought a new outfit for it.
And these foot pad things that make fancy shoes more comfy.
Okay.
I'm gonna grab my towel to shower to wake myself up.
- Okay.
Oh, uh, when you go in the bathroom, my friend Maya is in there.
The one who's visiting? - Oh, fun! My friend Kelsey from home wants to visit at some point.
She's like really into anime.
I look forward to discussing that with her.
So what was your idea? - So, basically there's - Okay, everyone.
I have two announcements.
The first is for everybody.
Jeff, use spellcheck.
- Okay.
Secondly, Carla has decided to quit.
- What? - Yeah.
- Wait, why would she quit? - Who knows? Unlike every other conversation I've had with her, she didn't go into detail.
[laughter.]
Anyway, now's the moment you've all been waiting for.
The announcement of which new writer's piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Which is an account followed by multiple Emmy-nominated writers.
And the winner is The John Essex statue's Tinder profile, written by Bela Malhotra! - Wow.
Thank you.
But I actually co-wrote that piece with Carla.
She said in her email it was mostly you, so enjoy that sole credit.
All right, we're done here.
Good job, guys.
- Bela! Oh, my gosh.
So proud of you.
Hey, nice work.
- Holy hell, are you Maya? You're gorgeous.
I'm Kimberly.
I'm one of Leighton's roommates.
Nice to meet you, Kimberly.
Seriously, you smell like a fancy spa.
Sorry, to double compliment.
I didn't sleep much last night and my brain isn't fully working yet.
Ooh, sounds like you had a fun night.
Get it, girl.
- I did get it.
And then some.
I have a hickey on my boob.
My boyfriend gave me one of those when we first started dating.
- What's with these guys? - Right? Hey, I need to go help Leighton set up for this party, but I'll see you there? - Totally.
Yeah, let me see you go to town Go down go down go down Yeah yeah, if you're down, boy Really down, baby let me watch you go to town It's your one chance, baby, never or now Yeah-eah-eah Let me see you go to town, baby, go to town Oh, yeah, baby, let me watch you go to town It's your one chance, baby, never or now Yeah, yeah, yeah Go down go down go down Yeah, let me see you go to town Yeah, go down go down go down Yeah, let me see you go to town Go down go down go down, yeah Let me see you go to town, yeah Go down go down go down, yeah Yeah yeah Go to town with it, and she shave it all off Charlie Brown with it lookin' all around All the other girls sound fishy Hey! Are you ready to black out with your rack out or whatever it is you're always saying to us? Yeah, let's do it.
Let's crunk out with our junk out.
Yeah! I'm wearing underwear that's so sexy, it's insane.
Also, it kind of hurts.
[upbeat party music.]
Those are a lot of gifts.
The only thing my friends got me for my last birthday was a Chipotle gift card.
Holy shit, did someone buy him a snowboard? I got him sour candy.
Because I know he likes sour candy.
That's really sweet.
I need a drink, STAT.
- Hell yes.
Let's get shots.
Oh, I need to start with a glass of water.
I have to take my UTI medicine, and the pill is so huge.
Hey, they just pulled up.
- Everyone, quiet! He's here.
Okay, everyone, shut up.
Be quiet.
Come on, he's coming.
Shh! Are we almost there? This blindfold does not smell good.
all: Surprise! - Oh, shit! This is amazing! Leighton, this is so cool of you.
Happy birthday, bro! Ooh, and I have one more surprise for you.
- Surprise, babe! - Maya! You're here.
I flew in from Barcelona for you.
Happy birthday! crowd: Ooh! [wolf whistles.]
- Kimberly! - Hey! Did you guys know? - Oh, my God, no! I would have told you.
- Yeah, I didn't know either.
I'm so sorry.
- Kimberly.
Can we talk for a minute? Dude, I cannot believe you! I'm Bela, by the way.
We've met a few times.
I enjoy your parties and hope to keep coming to them.
But on a personal level, I think you suck! Yeah, you're a prep school douchebag who thinks he can get away with anything he wants.
Can I talk to Kimberly alone for a minute? - It's okay.
You guys go back inside.
- We're watching you, bro.
- Sleazeball.
[whispers.]
Thanks again for the invite.
Sleazeball! I can explain.
Nico, this is so fucked up.
- Don't be like that.
- Don't be like what? Heartbroken that the first guy I met in college has a secret girlfriend? Look, Maya's been studying abroad.
She wasn't even supposed to be back until January.
Oh, so you were gonna tell me, you were just gonna wait several more months, cool.
Look, it got out of hand.
I don't know what to say.
- Well, I do.
Fuck you! I wasted two months on you.
My grades are in the fucking trash, and I have a UTI.
And it's fucking burning down there right now.
Okay? I'm done.
And now I'm about to cry, too.
Fuck.
Kimberly, please.
Time to hit the road Go, I finally go Set it up and knock it down 'Cause that's just how I roll All 'bout the flow Are you sure you want to be here right now? - Definitely.
I want to stay here and ruin his night and make him think that I might say something to his actual girlfriend.
Damn, girl.
[plastic cup whacks floor.]
Okay, actually on second thought, I think I'm gonna go.
But I don't want to make this some big dramatic exit, so, please, the two of you stay.
Shout it up just for fun Was it all for me You just see, move your feet time to let go Oh yeah Time to let go You just see What the fuck? [background conversations.]
Do you think my boobs have gotten bigger since the beginning of college? They feel bigger.
Hey, Whit.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? In private? Um, would you mind getting us drinks? Gladly.
Dude, there's trouble.
Apparently our bus driver told Coach Woods that he saw Dalton kissing a player.
- Okay? - A Black player.
And we're the only two Black girls on the team.
- Fuck! - I think you need to talk to Coach, like, now.
Just come clean, and hope for the best.
- Okay, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- I gotta go do this.
- Mm-hmm.
[electronic dance music.]
You have to lead like this Lead lead Lead You have to lead like this - One sec.
- Oh, cool.
Dude, you okay? - Yeah, why do you ask? Because you're staring at your phone like a psycho.
Leighton, I think I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it.
Can I interest you ladies in some shots? - Dude, fuck off.
What happened? You know that guy Ryan who showed me porn? He kind of got me alone the other day and then pushed his dick up against my back.
- Oh, my God.
- I laughed and brushed it off.
But then I found out that he did it to this other girl too, and when she told me about it, I lied to her and stayed quiet.
And I think I silenced her.
- It's okay.
Okay? - Did you just hug me? - I already regret doing that.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
You've got another think coming Thinking it's gonna be easy I'm so high Why sit down - Hi, are you - Her wife? Yes, I am.
Gert, you've got a visitor.
Coach, I promise you, it is totally over.
We ended things weeks ago, so if there's any way we could just forget about this - Whitney - Coach, please.
My mom is a public figure.
And if this gets out My stories don't go away the way other people's do.
- Chase.
I already gave my statement.
All right? I told them I couldn't give a name.
It's none of their business.
You're 18.
You don't need this following you around the rest of your life.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Canaan.
We're leaving.
Are you coming with or not? Yeah, let's go.
You really gotta cut down on that screen time, though.
'Cause you're literally always on that thing.
It's kind of sick.
- Hey.
- Thank you for coming.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, guys.
My name is Alicia.
And I know that this is very scary, but you're totally safe here.
And no matter what you say, I'm your ally.
Okay? I'm your ally.
Mountains crave, so they say They say your name Floods in the bay It's a shame, it's a shame The pain turn to rain Ain't calming down, will it calm down [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, Whit.
- All right, ladies.
Gather up.
I'm Coach Hanson, the women's ice hockey coach.
Now, I can't go into details, but Coach Woods and Coach Dalton have been dismissed.
- What? I'll be leading you through the rest of the tournament.
Now, can someone explain to me how offsides works in soccer? [low chatter, murmuring.]
Anyone? Her heart was beating Through her chest Hesitating to pull the trigger, she wants to Like a bullet through the shadows Contemplating the sense of the shadow She never got to tell you that Instead she wore the chains She never acted like it's all in vain When everybody else Is only playing by the rules She always wanted to keep her cool She always wanted to keep her cool She's burning Through the shadows She's burning She's burning Through the shadows, through the shadows Her mind was racing through the desert Go to bed.
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go, baby.
Come on.
I can't hear you guys! They ain't ready for us! They ain't ready for us! Whoo! - Yeah! Let's go, baby, let's go! [whooping and cheering.]
Mmm.
There's just something about a man covered in paint.
Mmm.
Dude, are you studying at a tailgate? Yeah, but only because I'm failing econ.
Well, maybe you'd be doing better if you didn't spend so much time railing Leighton's brother.
- Okay.
- [mimics mattress squeaking.]
- Bela, Bela, Bela! You just spilled beer all over my textbook.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Ugh.
And Nico's bed doesn't squeak like that.
It thuds, like, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Hello, ladies.
- Hi, Leighton.
- Hi, Leighton.
Wait, why'd you stop talking when I showed up? Is it Is it my glasses? I know they're ugly, but my fucking mom forgot to send my contacts.
No! It's just surprising that you came.
Well, I'm not really jazzed to watch soccer, but I did want to come and support Whitney.
You like Whitney? - Yes, I like Whitney.
She's our roommate.
Do you like me? I guess.
Stop asking me if I like people.
Everyone's fine.
Anyway, I can't stay long.
I have to plan a surprise party for my brother's birthday.
Oh, my God.
I didn't know Nico's birthday was coming up.
That's so cool.
Yeah, I always plan his party.
And I have some really good surprises in store this time.
It'd be really great for me if I could get the "Catullan" writers in for an exclusive event.
Yeah, I'm sure my brother would love to have eight nerdy writers hanging around.
No plus ones.
But we are invited.
- Sure.
both: Yes! Wait, they're pulling in! [cheering.]
Oh, my God, it's Whitney! Hey, girl! - Whitney! all: [cheering.]
- You came? - Of course, we did.
We love you! [laughs.]
Also, we ran out of mixers.
Can we have some of your team's Gatorade? No! - No worries! We'll see you inside! Whoo! And the score is tied two to two as we enter overtime.
[cheering.]
When I say Es, you say Sex! Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Es! crowd: Sex! - Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
Hey, do either of you ever get this thing where you feel like you have to pee but nothing comes out? - Bitch, you have a UTI.
Oh, my God, no! Did you forget to pee after sex? Are you supposed to do that? Someone didn't read their vagina's manual.
Wait, are you having sex with someone? Who? - Me? Kimberly Finkle? Having casual sex? [chuckles.]
That's a laugh.
There are a lot of other ways to get a UTI.
You probably sat on a wet library chair for too long.
- Right, that's probably it.
Anyway, these cold bleachers are really helping numb the area.
Just a reminder, my friend Maya is visiting this week, so if we could talk less about infected genitals No promises.
- Something's happening! Run, bitch! Run! [crowd cheering.]
Go! Go! Get your girl, get your girl, get your girl! - Oh, go Whitney! Go Whitney! Go! - Oh! - Ooh.
[whistle blasts.]
- Yes! Ugh! Oh, don't take her hand, Whitney! Slap her in the fucking mouth! [whistle blasts.]
- Yellow card number 12.
Penalty kick for Essex.
Hey, no pressure.
But if you make this shot, we go to the NCAA tournament.
Make the damn shot.
You got this! - Yeah.
- All right, here we go.
Ready? - You got this! ["Broken Promised Land" by Claire.]
Come on, Whitney! Let's dream ourselves away from here You got this, Whitney! Yeah! [cheering.]
Golden goal scored by number 21, Whitney Chase.
Essex wins! [whistle twirs.]
all: [screaming.]
Yeah! Don't stop until it's gone Pick a point On the horizon [alarm beeps.]
It is 11 a.
m.
.
That is 100 community service hours.
I am out of here.
We knew you'd be excited, so Ginger made you cupcakes! They're allergen free! But full of love.
And carob chips.
- Thank you.
- Do you want to stay for the rest of today's meeting? Oh, not at all, actually, but thank you.
- Okay.
- Alicia, Ginger, Tova, I will cherish all of the lessons you have taught me.
And to the rest of you I think one of you is named Rebecca.
Oh, both of you.
Don't forget your cupcakes.
- You know what, Ginger? I will take one.
Oh.
- I'm free, bitches! Whoo! [light music.]
Wow.
One small step for a South Asian woman, on giant leap New writer alert! - Carla? What are you doing here? Did you get tapped too? - Yeah.
I worked really flippin' hard on my submission.
I guess they really flippin' liked it.
Well, cool.
It's so fun that you're here.
Ladies first.
[upbeat music.]
Holy crap, this is incredible.
Wow.
Check it out! This is gonna be me and you one day.
Best friends and coeditors.
- I'm gonna take a seat.
- Me too.
- All right, come on, guys.
Let's get started.
First off, congratulations to our new "Catullan" writers.
All right, yeah.
I'm sure we are witnessing the start of some very successful comedy careers.
Until you have kids and turn into complacent hacks.
It's a tradition for new writers to submit a piece on their first day.
And, in an age-old practice dating back to 2013, the best piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Pieces are due at midnight.
Maybe it'd be cool if we wrote something together.
Oh, I'm sure that's not allowed.
Evangeline, Bela and I want to co-write a piece.
Is that cool? - We don't have to.
Really, it's Sure.
Uh, Bela and Carla will be writing one together.
You can work in groups.
- Shaweet.
Very nice.
my wife.
Have you seen "Borat"? - Obviously.
- I'm sure it's so good.
Never thought that I could take these steps But I kept the focus on myself Your first UTI.
I remember mine well.
I had just conned my way into a birthright trip into Israel Thanks, Lila, but I'm trying to ignore it.
A UTI is a rite of passage.
You gotta wear it like a crown.
An uncomfortable, scratchy crown that you can't wait to take off.
[laughter.]
Hey, guys, I seriously have no idea what to get Nico for his birthday, and I'm stressing.
Well, I think it's pretty obvious.
You gotta get him a sexy gift.
Oh, like silky boxers.
- No, like, something erotic.
Like a cock ring.
- A what? - She's wrong.
Get Nico something nice, but slightly impersonal, so he doesn't think you're trying too hard.
Maybe a nice journal.
- A journal? Hot guys don't journal.
They just let their thoughts fade away.
It's what makes them hot.
I just want to get him something small and meaningful, but something I know he'll like.
As long as you pair it with a nasty handwritten card.
Something like, "Happy Birthday, Nico, I love that thick dick.
Regards, Kimberly.
" Boom, you're welcome.
Shakespeare.
Hey.
So you going to this party tomorrow too? - Yeah, are you? - Nah, I already have plans.
Hanging out with Darius for a bit, and then meeting up with you when you leave the party early? [gasps.]
Hmm.
Sound good? I might be available for that.
Cool.
So, you guys are gonna work or something? - I am.
- I'm sick, I have a UTI.
Well, uh, good luck with that.
Thank you.
- Poor baby girl.
Drink up.
Hey, you wanted to see me? Yep, come on in.
- Let me guess.
After the other night, companies are reaching out about endorsing me? I'll hold out for Adidas.
Well, it has come to my attention that Coach Dalton has been having an inappropriate sexual relationship with a player.
What? That's crazy.
And gross.
Well, I have to ask.
I mean, do you know anything about this, or - Me? No.
I can't even imagine it.
Dalton's so old he's still on Facebook.
- [laughs.]
Okay.
Well, look.
If you hear anything, let me know.
Um, obviously we have to take this very seriously.
Of course.
I'll think on it, and let you know if anything comes to mind.
Um, I assume you already talked to Becky? Not implying anything, but I did see them share a power bar once.
You are not the first person to mention that.
Huh.
All right, well, that's very helpful.
Thank you.
You can go.
- Oh, right.
["A Thousand Words" by Jay Som playing.]
Remember to call me When you're feeling blue [line ringing.]
- Hi, you've reached Dalton.
Please leave a message, and I'll call you back.
Shit.
Go on and speak your truth - Oh, my God.
I just thought about what our piece should be.
Cool, what is it? What if we write a piece about what TV characters say when they orgasm? I don't think we want people to picture Fred Flintstone getting off.
Right, it's cringey.
I'll think of something else.
No rush.
Sometimes the best ideas take a while to find.
You know you're like the only person at "The Catullan" who's nice to me.
I'm sure that'll change with time.
- Well, Eric's not that bad.
- Eric? The only time I've seen Eric smile was when I tripped on a cord.
- [chuckles.]
Well, he's better than Ryan.
Hey, I have an idea for a piece.
What about a Tinder profile for the John Essex statue.
Ryan showed me his dick.
In a bad way.
- Are you serious? He called me into his office to talk about piece formatting and then he took it out.
And it's all I can think about whenever I'm at "The Catullan.
" Are you gonna tell anyone? I don't know.
Everybody already thinks I'm so weird.
Has he ever done anything like that to you? - Ryan? No.
Not at all.
- Yeah.
Forget I said anything.
Let's write your funny idea.
Yeah? - Yeah.
[mellow music.]
This is for my brother's 21st birthday.
I will need a crepe station option that is both sweet and savory.
Well, then I will await your manager's call at this number.
Oh, are you serving me some rich mommy party planner? I'm very into that.
Um, hey, what is with your neighbor with the red hair? She was staring at me while I was waiting at the door.
Oh, she's my best friend.
I'm kidding.
I don't talk to my neighbors.
Do you think I'm insane? - [giggles.]
Dude, planning a party in Vermont is challenging.
No one has taste.
Yeah, about that.
Am I, like, invited to this, or Oh, I figured you wouldn't want to go.
And don't you think you coming as my plus one would be, like, this whole thing? There it is.
- What? - You don't want me there because you're worried people will figure you out.
Hey, it is a birthday party for my brother who you have met, like, once.
Okay, can we please not make this into a bigger thing than it has to be? - It's It's not about the party.
I just I just want to know that you and me can exist Outside of this one room.
- We can.
- Okay? - Cool.
Uh, well, this got weird.
I'm gonna go.
Are - I'm gonna text you later.
Okay? Sure.
You say you can't hold anything back It's a habit You say what's on your mind, mm Whatever's on your mind Mm Willow, I am freaking out.
- Yeah, I would be too.
This shit is crazy.
Have you talked to Dalton? No, he's not answering any of my calls or texts.
Both on my phone or on this burner I just bought.
- You bought a burner? Whitney, what the fuck? You're going full-blown "Homeland.
" What was I supposed to do? I can't have this come out.
Black senator's daughter has inappropriate relationship with coach? That gets aired on Fox news.
- Okay, you're not wrong.
Like, I would watch that.
But I think you can chill.
I talked to Coach Woods, and she thinks Dalton was sleeping with Jena.
- Jena? Why would she think that? Because I told her I thought it was Jena.
She didn't mention you once.
- Did you find out where this is coming from? Apparently Dalton's wife called her when she found a box of condoms in his car.
And a Google search on his iPad that said "Is it illegal for a coach to sleep with a player?" God, he's such a fucking idiot! Well, you weren't fucking him for his amazing brain.
But you just need to lay low and this will blow over.
There's nothing pointing to you.
Wow! Thank you so much for helping me with my chemistry homework.
I understand covalent bonds now.
- Relax, she already knows.
- Oh.
The head coach found out Dalton was sleeping with someone on the team.
- Oh, shit.
Do they know it's you? No, you're the only two people who do and I trust you both, slash, will murder you if you say anything.
Okay, but having witnessed some white-collar crime over the years, if I were you, I'd reset my phone to factory settings and wipe my hard drive.
- She doesn't need to do that.
- I already did both.
- Smart girl.
So, you rich people are just naturally good at covering shit up, aren't you? - Yes.
- Yeah.
Got a little bit of sunshine I'm not always such a downer, doll Kinda ended in a bro mine Ever since I let the good times roll How's the studying going? - Good.
Productive.
I like it.
[exhales.]
Have you earned a break? I want you on top.
'Cause my arms are kind of wrecked right now.
[laughs.]
Okay.
But can I ask you something first? What's up? You play guitar.
Hypothetically speaking, would a gift card to, like, a guitar website be a birthday gift you'd be excited about? - You don't have to get me a gift.
- Are you kidding? Gift-giving's in the Finkle DNA.
Did you not see my mom slinging around purse hooks at Parents Weekend? Your mom's cute.
But, seriously, you don't have to get me a gift.
- Okay, let's do it.
But let's be quick, 'cause I have a lot of work I have to catch up on.
Hey, Siri, set me a timer for 45 seconds.
I'm all in white 'Cause I have soul Where you go live I wanted you so-o-o But for a while I'm on a roll Well, love in those eyes And that's all I know Are you just now getting home? Wait, is this a walk of shame? So you are sleeping with someone.
I mean, is it a walk of shame if I stayed up all night in the library hooking up with my textbook? Like, blehhh.
Wow, we are so different.
Are you excited for the party tonight? - I'm so excited.
I bought a new outfit for it.
And these foot pad things that make fancy shoes more comfy.
Okay.
I'm gonna grab my towel to shower to wake myself up.
- Okay.
Oh, uh, when you go in the bathroom, my friend Maya is in there.
The one who's visiting? - Oh, fun! My friend Kelsey from home wants to visit at some point.
She's like really into anime.
I look forward to discussing that with her.
So what was your idea? - So, basically there's - Okay, everyone.
I have two announcements.
The first is for everybody.
Jeff, use spellcheck.
- Okay.
Secondly, Carla has decided to quit.
- What? - Yeah.
- Wait, why would she quit? - Who knows? Unlike every other conversation I've had with her, she didn't go into detail.
[laughter.]
Anyway, now's the moment you've all been waiting for.
The announcement of which new writer's piece will be featured on our Instagram.
Which is an account followed by multiple Emmy-nominated writers.
And the winner is The John Essex statue's Tinder profile, written by Bela Malhotra! - Wow.
Thank you.
But I actually co-wrote that piece with Carla.
She said in her email it was mostly you, so enjoy that sole credit.
All right, we're done here.
Good job, guys.
- Bela! Oh, my gosh.
So proud of you.
Hey, nice work.
- Holy hell, are you Maya? You're gorgeous.
I'm Kimberly.
I'm one of Leighton's roommates.
Nice to meet you, Kimberly.
Seriously, you smell like a fancy spa.
Sorry, to double compliment.
I didn't sleep much last night and my brain isn't fully working yet.
Ooh, sounds like you had a fun night.
Get it, girl.
- I did get it.
And then some.
I have a hickey on my boob.
My boyfriend gave me one of those when we first started dating.
- What's with these guys? - Right? Hey, I need to go help Leighton set up for this party, but I'll see you there? - Totally.
Yeah, let me see you go to town Go down go down go down Yeah yeah, if you're down, boy Really down, baby let me watch you go to town It's your one chance, baby, never or now Yeah-eah-eah Let me see you go to town, baby, go to town Oh, yeah, baby, let me watch you go to town It's your one chance, baby, never or now Yeah, yeah, yeah Go down go down go down Yeah, let me see you go to town Yeah, go down go down go down Yeah, let me see you go to town Go down go down go down, yeah Let me see you go to town, yeah Go down go down go down, yeah Yeah yeah Go to town with it, and she shave it all off Charlie Brown with it lookin' all around All the other girls sound fishy Hey! Are you ready to black out with your rack out or whatever it is you're always saying to us? Yeah, let's do it.
Let's crunk out with our junk out.
Yeah! I'm wearing underwear that's so sexy, it's insane.
Also, it kind of hurts.
[upbeat party music.]
Those are a lot of gifts.
The only thing my friends got me for my last birthday was a Chipotle gift card.
Holy shit, did someone buy him a snowboard? I got him sour candy.
Because I know he likes sour candy.
That's really sweet.
I need a drink, STAT.
- Hell yes.
Let's get shots.
Oh, I need to start with a glass of water.
I have to take my UTI medicine, and the pill is so huge.
Hey, they just pulled up.
- Everyone, quiet! He's here.
Okay, everyone, shut up.
Be quiet.
Come on, he's coming.
Shh! Are we almost there? This blindfold does not smell good.
all: Surprise! - Oh, shit! This is amazing! Leighton, this is so cool of you.
Happy birthday, bro! Ooh, and I have one more surprise for you.
- Surprise, babe! - Maya! You're here.
I flew in from Barcelona for you.
Happy birthday! crowd: Ooh! [wolf whistles.]
- Kimberly! - Hey! Did you guys know? - Oh, my God, no! I would have told you.
- Yeah, I didn't know either.
I'm so sorry.
- Kimberly.
Can we talk for a minute? Dude, I cannot believe you! I'm Bela, by the way.
We've met a few times.
I enjoy your parties and hope to keep coming to them.
But on a personal level, I think you suck! Yeah, you're a prep school douchebag who thinks he can get away with anything he wants.
Can I talk to Kimberly alone for a minute? - It's okay.
You guys go back inside.
- We're watching you, bro.
- Sleazeball.
[whispers.]
Thanks again for the invite.
Sleazeball! I can explain.
Nico, this is so fucked up.
- Don't be like that.
- Don't be like what? Heartbroken that the first guy I met in college has a secret girlfriend? Look, Maya's been studying abroad.
She wasn't even supposed to be back until January.
Oh, so you were gonna tell me, you were just gonna wait several more months, cool.
Look, it got out of hand.
I don't know what to say.
- Well, I do.
Fuck you! I wasted two months on you.
My grades are in the fucking trash, and I have a UTI.
And it's fucking burning down there right now.
Okay? I'm done.
And now I'm about to cry, too.
Fuck.
Kimberly, please.
Time to hit the road Go, I finally go Set it up and knock it down 'Cause that's just how I roll All 'bout the flow Are you sure you want to be here right now? - Definitely.
I want to stay here and ruin his night and make him think that I might say something to his actual girlfriend.
Damn, girl.
[plastic cup whacks floor.]
Okay, actually on second thought, I think I'm gonna go.
But I don't want to make this some big dramatic exit, so, please, the two of you stay.
Shout it up just for fun Was it all for me You just see, move your feet time to let go Oh yeah Time to let go You just see What the fuck? [background conversations.]
Do you think my boobs have gotten bigger since the beginning of college? They feel bigger.
Hey, Whit.
Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? In private? Um, would you mind getting us drinks? Gladly.
Dude, there's trouble.
Apparently our bus driver told Coach Woods that he saw Dalton kissing a player.
- Okay? - A Black player.
And we're the only two Black girls on the team.
- Fuck! - I think you need to talk to Coach, like, now.
Just come clean, and hope for the best.
- Okay, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- I gotta go do this.
- Mm-hmm.
[electronic dance music.]
You have to lead like this Lead lead Lead You have to lead like this - One sec.
- Oh, cool.
Dude, you okay? - Yeah, why do you ask? Because you're staring at your phone like a psycho.
Leighton, I think I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it.
Can I interest you ladies in some shots? - Dude, fuck off.
What happened? You know that guy Ryan who showed me porn? He kind of got me alone the other day and then pushed his dick up against my back.
- Oh, my God.
- I laughed and brushed it off.
But then I found out that he did it to this other girl too, and when she told me about it, I lied to her and stayed quiet.
And I think I silenced her.
- It's okay.
Okay? - Did you just hug me? - I already regret doing that.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
You've got another think coming Thinking it's gonna be easy I'm so high Why sit down - Hi, are you - Her wife? Yes, I am.
Gert, you've got a visitor.
Coach, I promise you, it is totally over.
We ended things weeks ago, so if there's any way we could just forget about this - Whitney - Coach, please.
My mom is a public figure.
And if this gets out My stories don't go away the way other people's do.
- Chase.
I already gave my statement.
All right? I told them I couldn't give a name.
It's none of their business.
You're 18.
You don't need this following you around the rest of your life.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Canaan.
We're leaving.
Are you coming with or not? Yeah, let's go.
You really gotta cut down on that screen time, though.
'Cause you're literally always on that thing.
It's kind of sick.
- Hey.
- Thank you for coming.
Yeah, of course.
Hey, guys.
My name is Alicia.
And I know that this is very scary, but you're totally safe here.
And no matter what you say, I'm your ally.
Okay? I'm your ally.
Mountains crave, so they say They say your name Floods in the bay It's a shame, it's a shame The pain turn to rain Ain't calming down, will it calm down [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, Whit.
- All right, ladies.
Gather up.
I'm Coach Hanson, the women's ice hockey coach.
Now, I can't go into details, but Coach Woods and Coach Dalton have been dismissed.
- What? I'll be leading you through the rest of the tournament.
Now, can someone explain to me how offsides works in soccer? [low chatter, murmuring.]
Anyone? Her heart was beating Through her chest Hesitating to pull the trigger, she wants to Like a bullet through the shadows Contemplating the sense of the shadow She never got to tell you that Instead she wore the chains She never acted like it's all in vain When everybody else Is only playing by the rules She always wanted to keep her cool She always wanted to keep her cool She's burning Through the shadows She's burning She's burning Through the shadows, through the shadows Her mind was racing through the desert Go to bed.