The Tick (2001) s01e08 Episode Script

So, you pay
for this place yourself?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Not at liberty.
Captain Liberty
is not at liberty.
Ironic.
So, my mother's been calling me,
asking me how things are going,
what's new.
Is that unusual, chum?
I'd guess she's been doing that
ever since your emergence
from the canal.
So I'm assuming
there's a point to this.
I sure hope so.
I'm on the edge of my seat.
All right, all right.
The point is
I haven't told her.
Told her what?
You know.
No, I don't. Wait.
Don't tell me.
Give me a hint.
My lifestyle choice.
No fair.
I asked for a hint.
You haven't told your mother
that you're
super?
No.
Hotlanta!
Arthur, what
are you waiting for?
You are a superhero.
Now, you can lie
or you can try to cover it up,
but as soon as she sees you on
TV or in the paper
Or a Broadway musical
She's going to be
that much more devastated.
So it was hard
to tell your parents?
I don't want
to talk about it.
Ooh.
Raw nerve, raw nerve.
My point is, Arthur,
you need to come out.
Villains can sniff a closeted
superhero from a mile away.
This could be the difference
between life and death.
And you are who you are, so you
might as well just accept it.
Come out, Arthur.
Come out to play.
Look at me.
I'm out.
I'm out there.
I'm way out there!
That's the other problem.
I am the wild blue yonder,
the frontline in the
never-ending battle between
good and not so good.
Together with my stalwart
sidekick Arthur
and the magnanimous help
of some other folks I know,
we form the yin to villainy's
malevolent yang.
Destiny has chosen us.
Wicked men, you face the Tick.
Don't take that tone
with me, mister.
Hey, you think the full get-up
is too much?
They're probably
there already, I bet.
My sister is always early.
Talk is cheap, potty-mouth!
What?
Talking to the toilet.
Keep on running, pal.
That's fine by me.
You can run,
but you cannot hide.
Tick, this is kind
of a big deal for me,
telling my family
about my new, uhmy new
Lifestyle choice?
Sure. Yes.
So if we could not worry about
the toilet right now, okay?
Fair enough, but we mustn't let
our guard down, chum.
We've got a devilishly
clever commode here.
He's already taken the bathtub
as an ally in his porcelain war
against us.
Ah, the bathtub
is backed up too, now?
Tick, please!
Don't fix anything else, okay?
Oh, it's past the point
of fixing, my friend.
Negotiations are at an impasse.
This has become
a battle of wills.
A battle I intend on winning
After lunch, of course.
Yeah, Tick, about lunch
Mother, I'm sure
this is it.
I called today and I
double-checked the address.
I just don't like
all the mystery.
Why didn't Arthur say what this
was about over the phone?
He wants his engagement
to be a surprise.
Mom, enough already.
I'm his sister.
I think I'd know
if he was getting married.
Don't turn around.
Oh, my.
Is this that kind of place?
Sure, I want you to meet them.
It's just I'm going to be
dropping quite a bombshell here,
and you're this
whole other bombshell.
Whistling toward the target
and ready to blow.
Exactly.
So if you could give me a few
minutes to get them used
to the idea of, you know, me.
Oh, and, Tick,
remember that talk we had about
how you yell all the time?
I do indeed!
Yeah.
We don't want any of that,
so if you have to say anything,
use the quiet voice
we practiced.
You mean this quiet voice?
Oh, uh, one more thing.
If I do this, it means
Get in there, you nut!
No, it means
"crazy talk, crazy talk,"
and change the subject.
Hey, Ma.
Dot.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Well, look at your
little outfit.
You're losing them, Arthur.
Arthur, I just
don't understand this.
A superhero?
Yes, Dot, I thought it was time
for me to take a stand,
to start doing something
I really believed in.
What about your job?
Well, I've quit accounting, Dot.
This is my job now.
Tell them the part about how
we're going to save the world.
Mother, are you hearing this?
What's going on, Tick?
Arthur's in there
telling his family
about his exciting
new life as a superhero.
Oh, no, no, no.
That never goes well.
Are you insane?
Mom
Waitress, another one, please.
No ice this time.
So, when do we get
Arthur family.
Mom, Dot, this is the Tick.
He's my new
crime-fighting partner.
That's right, ladies.
We are a duo.
Tick, this is
So you're the mother.
What a pleasure it is to shake
hands with the womb
that spilled Arthur
into the world.
And let's not forget
the womb-mate: Dot.
Arthur's words do no justice
to your nervous,
white-knuckled beauty.
Tick, sit down.
Quiet voice.
Let's all try to discuss this.
Quiet voice.
So, Dot, Arthur tells me
you're rather controlling.
Arthur!
Tick!
Kids
Everybody, let's drink
to Arthur's bold new adventure,
and embrace him proudly.
Maybe you should
just stay out of this.
Oh, I couldn't if I tried, sis.
Arthur and I are as one.
A 4-legged,
2-headed engine of rightness
with nowhere
to go but up.
We're making
gravy without the lumps,
we're flying to the moon in a
rocket built for
Crazy talk, crazy talk!
Change the subject!
What?
Oh, my.
I'd love to see the tiny fella
who left this behind.
You're not going
to marry my son, are you?
Yo, heavens no, Mom.
I'm already married to that
sweet, feel-good giantess
called justice.
Well, we're not going to sit
here for this craziness.
Mother.
Can you get up?
Yes, I can.
Come on, Dot.
Arthur, you are going
to have to grow up.
You can't keep running away
from your problems like this.
Well, that's the best part.
He doesn't have to run.
He can fly.
Mother, we're leaving.
Play safe with your
new friends, dear.
Well, that could
have gone better.
Well, that was pretty brutal.
You okay, Arthur?
Excuse me. Perhaps the moment
is inopportune, but I must say
I find your sister
strangely compelling.
Do you think she'd care to go
What?
No! She's married.
She's got two kids.
Oh, yes!
I thought I knew that scent.
A soccer mommy.
It's my only weakness.
I wish we could be
reasonable about this,
discuss our differences
with compromise in mind,
but you've left me no
Let me finish!
I have no choice but to resort
to chemical warfare.
This poison parade
will stem your tide.
You made your bed.
Now drink it.
Tick, please, God, stop messing
with the toilet!
A bit irritable.
Toilets don't talk.
They don't!
Well, that's a maybe
in my book, chum.
Yeah, hello?
Oh, thank God.
Dot.
No, no, I'm glad you called.
We have to Now?
What, you're still in the city?
But I thought
No, of course not.
That's fine.
I No, I'll be right over.
What hotel?
Not so talky with a belly full
of hell, are we?
Hey, Tick, I have
to go out.
It's really important.
I have to go alone.
Right.
I'll come with you.
Uh, no. Tick,
you don't understand.
I have to go alone, which means
that you have to stay here,
okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Tick, no.
Stay here.
Okay!
Ah, Tick, I don't
have time for this!
Just stay here
and talk to the toilet.
Talk to whatever.
We're a duo.
Youstay out of this!
Hi.
Hi, Arthur.
Jeez, it's dark in here.
Mom?
I'm here, son.
What's going on?
Perhaps I should explain,
Arthur.
Mom, who is this?
I'm Francis Peacock,
and your mother
and sister called me
because of their deep,
deep concern for you.
Are you serious?
Dot!
Mom, you're giving me
an intervention?
Arthur, I am a licensed graduate
student of psychology,
and I have years of experience
in dealing with this addiction.
Addiction?
Addiction.
Oh, it starts
out innocently enough.
You pick up a few magazines
to get your jollies,
but soon you've got
a monkey on your back.
You find yourself hanging out
at costume shops.
Maybe you try on a cape
Maybe a mask
Maybe even gauntlets.
And the next thing you know,
you're buying your first pair
of tights, and you are on that
long slippery slope
to moral oblivion.
This is ridiculous!
I'm leaving!
Ohh!
Arthur, your family has already
signed all the necessary papers
to put you into my custody.
I have a rehabilitation retreat
where we could
Please don't touch me.
Please.
Fine.
Fine, Arthur.
Mom, this is insane.
I'm out of here.
Code green!
Code green!
Oh, God!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Dot, I need you
to be strong for him right now.
Mom, I'm not crazy.
You're simply going through what
we like to call
the family remorse phase.
But you've got to trust me.
You've done
the right thing.
Rex, Mohammed, truss him up
and put him in the van.
Where did Arthur go?
But Arthur said
Arthur said that
plumbing doesn't talk.
I don't know.
Arthur!
Shut up.
Shut up!
Arthur. Arthur.
Arthur!
Where are you?!
He used to sit right here
in this booth,
and he'd order
the number three.
I remember that much.
Oh, Arthur, you were always
number one in my book!
You know, if he snaps,
we're going to have a hell
of a problem on our hands.
You should move on,
Tick, you know?
Meet someone else.
When a woman disappears
on Batmanuel,
he doesn't sulk in his egg
and pancake meal.
He mingles.
Have you seen this man?
Okay, everybody,
take your seats.
Take your seats. Okay.
Everybody, Arthur,
like many of you,
suffers from delusions
of grandeur.
He has an exaggerated sense
of responsibility,
a manic and irrational desire
to save the world, which,
of course, comes into conflict
with the sad little reality of
Arthur's insignificance.
Really, it's a classic,
almost a textbook,
case of identity crisis.
But now, Arthur, maybe you could
tell us, because I find this
kind of interesting,
why is it that you chose
your own name
as your superhero identity?
Ahem.
I-I just haven't figured out
a good one yet.
Huh?
I just haven't figured out
a good one yet.
Ahh.
I'm working on it!
If you'd like to make a call,
please hang up
I am. I just don't understand
what happened to Arthur.
He's been gone so long,
and I've grown so accustomed
to him being around.
Good Lord, the man is my anchor!
Fondue?
Yes.
Uh, why?
It is the food of lovers
Unless, of course,
they're lactose intolerant.
Ew.
No, no, no. Let it ring.
No, it could be important.
More important than fondue?
I'd make the argument
that nothing
is more important
than Fondue.
Hello?
Fine. Batmanuel will eat
your fondue and his fondue.
No fondue for you.
You get no fondue.
You fondue?
No can do.
Do you mind?
You're where?
An insane asylum.
You fondue?
I do too. I fondue you.
Will you shut up?
Arthur's in an insane asylum.
My fault? What do you mean
it's my fault?
What do I mean?
You're the one who pushed me
to tell my mother
about my lifestyle.
Yes, I know.
And wasn't it freeing?
Freeing? Freeing?
I have been locked away
in a loony bin with keys
Big keys that go jingle-jangle
on large bald men's belts.
That's not freeing.
Allow me.
Arthur, you like fondue,
right?
Dah!
A simple "no" would suffice.
Oh, no!
Oh, yeah.
Who is super now?
Yes.
Who is super now?
I think it's you, Francis.
I think it's you, Mr. P.
Oh!
Aah!
Oh
I'm not crazy!
I'm not crazy!
Aah!
Get in there, rabbit boy.
Ow!
These hallucinations are very
troubling to me, Arthur.
Good night.
Ahh!
Help!
Where is Arthur?
Where is my chum?
Has he gone back to the womb?
Do they have phones in there?
Why couldn't he have called?
"I've returned
to the womb, Tick.
I'll call when I get bored."
There are people who think
that we are different.
We are different.
People who think that putting on
tights or a mask
and a cape and trying to save
people is an act of madness.
Yes, it is madness at evil.
I'm mad at bad.
Aren't you?
Yes.
Somewhat Look, the point
is that there are places
where they put superheroes
to try to cure them,
to make them normal,
if you will.
Normal?
Egads!
Is that where Arthur is?
Yes.
And the law enforcement can't do
anything about it,
because it's out of their
jurisdiction.
Well, Captain Liberty,
that's just where our
jurisdiction begins.
I'm sorry, ladies.
Visiting hours
are over for this evening.
You're going to Oh.
We need to split up.
You take the offices.
I'll take the wards.
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
And you shut up.
We regroup in five, people.
All right, and Batmanuel
will protect the women.
Aah!
All right, now, which one
of you nuts has seen Arthur?
Arthur?
Arthur!
Tick.
Arthur!
Tick!
Tick! You found me!
Arthur!
Good lord, they've driven you
back to the cocoon.
How did you find me?
I just walked around
and yelled a lot.
Let's get you out
of this fancy coat.
Your mother and Dot
are waiting outside.
No! I don't want
to see them.
They think I'm insane.
They threw me in here.
No, that was the Mom
and Dot of last week.
The Mom and Dot of
this week are much nicer.
No. A week doesn't
make a difference.
They have no respect, no trust.
They don't have
a lot of things.
Not everyone can be
as great as us, Arthur.
But we just have to accept them
for what they are.
Now, your mother wants you back.
And your sister, your sister
she's fine.
Okay.
All right.
Let's
get
going!
Grraah!
All right, but I have
to do one more thing.
All right.
How you doing?
Flyin' away on a wing
And prayer
Who could it be?
Believe it or not
It's just me
Aah!
That is icky to infinity.
Well, the Francis Peacock
Superhero Deprogramming Center
has been closed down
by the authorities.
Poetic justice.
Is there any other kind?
Puppet show justice.
Arthur, I-I made a mistake
committing you to that
institution against your will.
Oh, come on, everyone.
Sure, you sold Arthur
down a crazy river,
but let's use that spilt milk
to put out this burning bridge.
See?
See how easy?
We're one big
happy family at last.
Mom, Dot, I hope you realize
superheroes are not freaks.
Ahem.
That is, most superheroes
are not freaks, and, uh, Tick,
please.
Mom, just promise you'll never
commit me again, okay?
Never again, honey.
Okay, I just want
to know one thing.
Now, when my son asks
what the deal is with his uncle
and his big blue friend,
what am I supposed to say?
Dottie, you tell that boy
of yours that his uncle
and his blue friend
are a crime-fighting duo
a 2-headed cobra of goodness
slithering down
the path of righteousness,
leaving its venom
deep in the hindquarters
of evil.
Um, why don't I
just call him?