The Upshaws (2021) s01e08 Episode Script

I know this ain't break time.
Now, Duck, you need to put down
that Bible and pick up a wrench.
Prayer works, but it don't pay.
There's nothing to work on.
You fixed everything.
Yeah, except your marriage.
Shut up, Tony!
I'm getting back in tonight.
I already got some of Regina's money.
- I'm gonna tell her at the hospital.
- Hospital?
She all right? She need some soup?
No, it's just a big party that
her job does every year.
- Oh.
- That we go together.
Man, don't scare me like that.
Yeah, man. We're gonna
have some drinks, some fun.
I'mma get everybody laughing,
then she gonna start laughing,
and boom! I'm back in.
Yeah, yeah.
If that don't work out,
I have some extra begging
journals I can get you.
Hey, Bennie. Is Lucretia around?
- Nah, she ain't here.
- Oh, you know where she is?
Uh Look up.
Bats usually hang from the ceiling.
Can I wait for her?
I mean, you could.
It ain't gonna make her look no better.
You know what?
I know that's how y'all play around,
but I'mma need you to
fall back on that, man.
Relax.
Okay, I'm just kidding.
Just like God was when
He made Lucretia's face.
You think this is a joke, bruh?
You're talking about my lady.
Hey, check this out, man.
Don't come in my shop
trying to tell me how to talk, okay?
This ain't your cockpit.
And before you catch a hot one,
the exits are there, there,
there, and right there.
Excuse you?
Oh, you know what?
I ain't got time for this.
You just tell her I stopped by.
Yeah.
Oh, damn.
Man, that was crazy, that dude walked
- Oh, oh!
- Oh!
- What the
- I dodged that bullet.
You was there the whole time?
As far as you know, I'm always here.
I was just making sure your
crooked ass put in new parts.
Look, I am not trying
to see Captain Cam,
but with all that shit you was talkin',
it would've been good to
watch him kick your ass.
Captain Crunch ain't gonna do shit to
Oh, here he come! He's coming right now!
Run! He's coming!
Oh, my God, he's back.
Whoo! That's how you get rid of her.
- Hi, sweetie.
- What's up, baby?
I was talking to Maya.
- How was class, my love?
- We practiced for our recital.
I'm gonna be a daisy.
No, baby. You spin, then you jump.
You're right, Daddy.
I'm gonna go upstairs and practice.
I'm so excited!
She'll get it right tomorrow.
I'll record the recital for you.
No, I told Maya I was coming.
You say that every year,
and then you don't show up.
And I am tired of putting a
jacket on the back of a chair,
pretending you're in the bathroom.
Is that why the dance teacher
thought I had the bubble guts?
Can I have some coffee?
If you make it.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh-wee!
That's a whole lot of wine for one lady.
You lonely, huh?
If you must know,
I hosted my first book club.
Hey, dump those grounds in the disposal.
You know this ain't worked
since Maya was born.
I fixed it.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I've been fixing a
lot of stuff around here.
That's what's up, I'm just
gonna go get me a good shirt.
What you need that for, you got court?
No, we got the big
hospital party tonight.
No, we don't.
Oh, come on No,
they done cancelled it?
No. I'm going.
By myself.
Oh, come on, you can't do this.
That's our thing.
We have such a good time.
There's laughs, bacon-wrapped shrimp.
More laughs, more shrimp.
You need me.
Actually, I do need you for one thing.
Come on, let me break you
off 15 minutes of something.
No, no. I need help with the door.
What's up with the door?
- Something's wrong with the door?
- It's on the other side.
Who broke the door?
- Yep, right there.
- Where?
Okay, I get it.
So, Bennie really thought he
was going with you tonight?
I knew he was a dick, but I
didn't know he had big balls.
Yeah. I was shocked he even remembered.
- It was kinda sweet.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
Don't crack. He ain't about you.
He just wanted that free shrimp.
This is your captain speaking.
Okay, either talk to Captain Cam
or change your ringtone.
I get mad every time I hear
that, I wanna take a trip.
Ain't nobody thinking about him.
Or Bennie. Tonight's about you.
Yes, you are right.
No Bennie, no kids, no GMAT,
tonight is all about Regina.
What? Damn, girl, this ain't Mahogany.
Fine, if you don't wanna
be out there drippin'.
You take calcium supplements,
don't say "drippin'."
This is your captain speaking.
Damn, girl. What you
put on that boy, huh?
That leg must be more
flexible than you lettin' on.
I do have a personality.
But yeah, it moves.
- This is your captain speaking.
- Ugh!
Okay, listen now,
you really need to talk to him.
He left his family for you.
I didn't ask him to do that.
The needy bastard.
Well, both y'all wrong,
but you need to clean this shit up.
Well, why me? He's the
one being all messy.
Lucretia, he's not gonna let up
until you tell him to his face.
And you are way too old
to be ghostin' folks.
Well, he did leave his wife for me.
You know she white.
So I ain't got time to
do all that retraining.
All right, fine, I guess a drink
with the man won't kill me.
Mommy, look, my feet are getting better.
But I still don't know where my arms go.
Sweetheart, take that off, you
don't want to get it sweaty.
But Daddy said I should
practice in my flower head.
If her Daddy shows up to that
recital, I'll eat that flower head.
And after the recital, Daddy said
we can get some ice cream!
Oh.
Daddy's building himself
quite a petard, huh?
He better show up to that recital,
'cause it's the daddy issues that
drives the girls to the pole.
"Fellas, get your dollars ready."
"Daisy to the stage."
"Make it rain!"
This is way better than a old
stuffy-ass hospital party.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
Yeah, old dry-ass bacon-wrapped shrimp.
Who ordered the shrimp
bucket and a side of bacon?
Right here.
Oh, can I get another one of these?
Oh, slow down, that's your
fourth Shirley Temple.
My body is my temple.
Why you in my bidness?
All right.
You can't find your temple if
you go blind from the sugar.
Right, Bennie?
Bennie!
What? Shirley Temple got the sugar?
Come on, are we doing this or what?
You said this was gonna
be a fun night out.
Mmm-hmm. You thinkin' about Regina, too?
No, man, I just can't hear.
Has the music always been this loud?
It's making my teeth rattle.
Ain't this some shit.
I got one brother that won't drink,
and another missing his wife.
Y'all know what this taste
of freedom is costing me?
It's like when they took Kunta's foot.
Hey, man, we just winding down.
What's it, like, 2:30?
8:15?
Well, I'm out.
If I get home before 10:00, I may
not have to tweeze her whiskers.
I'm out, too, Duck.
We kicked it quick, but we kicked it.
This one's on Lucretia.
Gina!
I know you want me at your party.
Yeah. I can't come
until you send me some
pictures of them girls.
I ain't talkin' about Aaliyah
and Maya, either.
I'm calling to make sure your ass
is at Maya's recital tomorrow.
Oh, I'mma be there.
I told you I'mma be there.
She's counting on you.
And I only want God to
make it rain on her.
Wait a minute, hold up.
Is that music?
Oh, hell, no. Are you at a bar?
Yeah, I know, it's too loud, right?
Don't be out all night, actin' a fool.
You can't kick me out the
house and tell me what to do.
Sure can. Be there tomorrow.
Now take your ass home,
but not my house.
Yeah, she ain't seen actin' a fool.
Let me get a double.
Don't play me, play lotto.
Oh, hey, girl.
Hey, Anna. Finally, you are here.
Now I got somebody that I
can talk about people with.
Oh, I can't stay, I'm just
here to grab some food.
I'm working overtime.
If I pick up more hours,
I might be able to live
paycheck to paycheck.
Hmm.
Just point me to the bacon-wrapped
shrimp. Look
I put foil in the envelope.
Oh, and I brought one for Bennie, too.
Oh.
Hi, Jan.
It's Regina.
From billing.
I work with Sheila.
Oh, Sheila.
- She's a hoot.
- Mmm.
I wish she was here tonight,
she'd really liven up this place.
Oh, hey, Bobbie, Nan,
my favorite couple.
Hey, guys, do you know Jan?
Yes.
Bobbie's my ex-wife and Nan's
the bitch she left me for.
But thanks for flagging 'em down.
Bobbie.
Nan.
Well, shit.
Now how was I supposed to know that?
Why would you still work here?
We discussed it with your
husband at our last party.
He thought it'd be gangsta
if we waited it out.
- Where is Bennie? He's so funny.
- Yeah.
Yeah, he is. He's not here.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Oof, dancin' with them young girls,
I ain't got the knees for that.
I ain't no Megan Thee Stallion.
I can't sweat anymore.
My girl will smell the fun on me.
Just leave her. Being alone is fun.
I can't. I think she has a chip in me.
Mmm-hmm.
- Them some big-ass vodka shots.
- Ooh, man.
Actually, it's water.
Y'all need to slow down.
- Man, where the party at?
- Yeah.
Don't nobody want no whack-ass water.
Why don't you wave the Bible
over it and turn it to wine?
Go ahead.
All right. Yeah, keep on laughing.
Uh-huh. I'mma get outta
here before I remember
why I ended up in prison.
Ooh!
We don't know why your ass
came out in the first place.
Because you needed a designated driver.
Now you need a Uber. Bye.
Hey, go ahead.
We don't need you anyway, Duck. Bye!
You got my Uber, right?
Hell, no. More shots.
- Yeah!
- Mmm, mmm.
Ooh! Oh! Cujo lives!
I haven't seen alcohol go into
an asshole since Freaknik '94.
Regina got you 'round here
spying on me or something?
Regina ain't thinkin' about you.
She's movin' on with her life.
You know what? Let me
give her a little push.
Tell her to get this one.
What are you doing sniffing around here?
No one called in a bomb.
I'm meeting Captain Cam.
I wanted someplace loud in case
he cries when I finally end it.
Yeah. Well, why tell him it's over?
I thought your species
just ate the male.
Be careful, Bennie.
Alcohol affects your balance.
Hey! What's wrong with you?
Yeah, that one's just for me.
Bennie's not here.
I got your text. What's wrong?
Hi. I'm fine. Why are
you in your uniform?
'Cause you texted, "Get here
quick, it's an emergency."
I didn't know it was a party.
Well, duh, I ended the text
with a party hat emoji.
I don't trust your emojis.
Remember you invited me to Easter dinner
with a bunch of peaches and eggplants?
So that you'd know that I had
organic fresh fruits and vegetables.
You should never go
past the smiley faces.
- Why am I here?
- 'Cause I needed somebody to talk to.
You're at a party with your friends.
These are not my friends,
these are my coworkers.
I'm with these clowns every day.
Like, see this guy right here?
His credit is terrible.
He can't even afford the free clinic.
Hey, Millie, lookin' good.
Didn't she retire?
I don't know these people. I'm out.
Get your ass back here.
Roll your eyes again
and see what happens.
Now, fine, we will talk about you.
What's crackin' with my firstborn?
Well, I mean, I'm just working,
making deliveries.
Okay, okay. That's what's
up, that's what's up.
Tell me about that.
Um, last week I delivered
some live chickens.
Then I had a two-piece for lunch.
Ain't that crazy?
Oh, Lord.
This is not a real laugh.
Mmm-mmm. The bar's over there.
Cam, you don't wanna marry me.
You don't even know me.
But I love you.
What's my middle name?
Precious?
I didn't like it in bed,
I don't like it now.
Look, we had fun, but it's over.
Accept that.
No.
I will never accept that.
Let me break it down to you.
You left a job, a wife and kids,
for a woman that you don't really know.
What makes you think I'd ever
want to be with a man like you?
'Cause you owe me.
I don't owe you shit.
Face it, it's over.
This will be the last drink
that you will ever buy me.
Well, this next one will.
You think this is a joke?
I'm not gonna let you
do this shit to me.
- Tony. Tony!
- Hmm?
Tony, oh. You see this shit?
You're lucky to even have me.
Lucretia might be in over her horns.
We might have to go and check this cat.
All right, okay.
Oh, I gotta pee.
I can't fight with a full bladder.
You need to leave.
Who the hell do you think you are?
Bitch, I fly planes.
What's up, Lucretia, you good?
She's fine.
Mind your business, Bennie.
I know I know you over
here all in your feelings,
but you got to break out.
You can't tell me nothin'.
We're not in your shop,
I don't wanna hear
You know, we good.
- Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.
You know what?
Forget you, Cretia.
You know, my wife told me
you would do just like this.
I can't believe he was so shook over me.
Yeah. I can't believe you
didn't turn him into stone.
Shut up and buy me a drink, jackass.
How long this big-ass wall been here?
Oh, the fire extinguisher.
- You got it.
- Mmm.
Okay, my turn.
- I spy with my little eye, some
- No. Mmm-mmm.
I'm done. We can just go home.
I usually have fun here.
I don't know what it is.
Hmm, I do. It's okay to miss him.
Shut up.
We had some rough times.
We had a lot of fun over 30 years.
It's hard to just let that go.
- Not for me.
- Hey.
He's still your dad.
What I need to figure out is
what I want moving forward.
- Well, I'm here for you.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
You know you're allergic to crab, right?
Right.
Is there something you wanna talk about?
Like how you almost killed
yourself over some hazel eyes?
Sweet pea,
you can tell me anything. You know that.
Okay.
Mom, I'm
Gay. I know.
And it's fine.
I love you no matter what.
Doesn't it feel better, hmm?
Now that you told me?
Well, I didn't actually
say it yet, but
You're right! Oh. You're right.
My bad. Okay.
Go ahead.
Mom
I'm gay.
I know.
I told you.
That's messed up.
That's kinda funny, though.
I am so proud of you.
So, when are you gonna tell your father?
Mom, hold up.
I just told you five seconds ago.
- And I like you.
- Mmm.
Why am I beeping?
Maya's recital.
Damn, I can't get out my own way.
Oh, what the hell?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no.
- No, this didn't happen.
Are we dead? We better be dead.
This better be the UberPool to heaven
and we gotta drop you off first.
What did you do to me?
Is this how you get back at my sister?
I didn't do shit to you,
I'm checking for bite marks now.
Let's retrace the night.
Okay, there was shots, then more shots,
then I'm out after that.
Shit, where's my cane?
Shit, where's my socks?
All right, be honest.
- Did you take advantage of me?
- Oh, please.
If I did, I would've
already killed myself.
Oh, and it would've
been a murder-suicide.
Just in case, I'mma
lick some old batteries
and try to kill my tongue.
Relax. We'll check the cameras.
Cameras?
We filmed this shit?
It's on tape?
The security cameras.
I got 'em all over this place.
You don't think it's weird that
plant nobody waters never dies?
They're hooked up to my phone,
so we'll just scroll back
the last couple of hours.
What if there's something
we don't wanna see?
Look, I gotta know
or I'll never be able to look
at myself or my sister again.
So, here we go.
Did you steal that from the bar?
The bottle still has the spout on it.
Nobody give a shit about that spout.
I need to know if we was
naked. Fast forward.
You know, for an asshole,
you're an above-average dancer.
Well, there go the cane.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, Lord, this is where it happened.
You got your claws in me.
Quiet, fool, so we can hear.
I just love her so much.
Stop slobbering.
She's gonna take you back. Someday.
You know, you're like herpes.
You never really go away.
Yeah.
You know what? You
just tryin' to be nice.
You're not so bad.
I mean, uh
I saw how you stood up to Cam for me.
Although, I could've
handled his bitch ass.
All that pretty hair.
Yeah. You're pretty tough.
You know what?
I always have liked you, Lucretia.
Oh, shit, you're leanin' in.
There's a eyelash.
Oh! Make a wish.
I wish Regina'd take me back.
Okay, okay, stop right there.
There's my socks.
Regina, baby, I'm sorry.
Sorry's not gonna pay
for my grad school.
Oh, shit, now I gotta burn my hands.
Did you call this Uber?
I thought you did.
I'm gonna take a nap.
I don't feel so good.
Well, if you gonna be sick,
let me raise your head.
Damn, I wish I would've peed first.
Okay, we're sleepin'.
You're peein' out the window.
Okay, so that car wasn't
leaking antifreeze.
- We're still sleepin'.
- Mmm.
We're wakin' up.
Nothing happened, thank you, Jesus!
Man. So we still gonna have
to take this to our graves.
Take what to our graves?
The video footage we was watchin'.
What video footage?
From last night.
She did not marry you for brains, huh?
Has Maya been on?
No, she's next.
Whoa, did Cam push you out of his plane?
Mmm.
And why you smell like a
drunk bottle of Chanel?
Would you just watch
your kid dance, narc?
Whose jacket am I sitting on?
Bennie didn't show up.
He went out last night.
Same old Bennie.
There's still time, ease up.
Guess what. Bernard came out to me.
Oh, thank God. It was hard
keeping that ten-year secret.
- Ten You knew?
- Shh. Here come the daisy.
Come on, baby, keep
going. You can do it.
You got this, baby girl!
She can do this.
She got it, she's good. I've seen this.
I've seen it.
He did make it.
Maybe if you believed in him more,
he wouldn't have to act up.
I'm sorry. I'm still tipsy.
Hold my Pedialyte.
I don't think you can be here, Daddy,
and I think I should go, too.
You got this, baby girl.
You got this. You know this.
Remember, you bend because
the flower wants some water,
and you jump because it wants some sun.
Daddy, you forgot to spin
because the flower's happy.
You sure I'm not spinnin' right now?
Look at him.
Thirty years and he still surprises me.