The Wild Wild West (1965) s01e08 Episode Script

Six minutes, ten seconds.
Six minutes, nine seconds.
I wish this were over.
I wish we had the princess safely aboard and on the way to Washington.
There's a chance your information was in error, you know.
Do you realize the kind of embarrassment this could cause us at the State Department- the whole country- if anything happens? They'd better make a move in six minutes or forget about it.
Yes, we're here.
Thank you.
Your Highness, may I present James West, Esquire.
Charmed.
This is my maid-in-waiting, the Signorina Marianna.
Señor.
It is initial of a beloved one now in the past.
Marianna.
I will go inside with the gentleman.
You proceed to the railroad station with the luggage.
Your Highness, may I present Ambassador Perkins of our country.
Mr.
Ambassador, Her Royal Highness Princess Gina Carlotta of Albania.
It is a pleasure to meet an old friend.
Your Royal Highness.
What a vacant stare, Mr.
Ambassador.
Surely you remember Her Royal Highness.
That's exactly the trouble I remember her vividly.
This is not the princess.
That is the pitfall impostors have to face- the unexpected can always occur to expose one.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen.
Give me a hand, will ya? Take her to the couch.
They're gone.
Are you getting into shape to face a firing squad? No, trying to figure out how we got outflanked.
Yeah, so am I.
Now, from the time I boarded the Dolce Vita ten miles out of New Orleans here and from the time I met the princess- or at least the woman who said she was the princess- I never let her out of my sight.
Now, that can only mean the substitution was made before I boarded the ship.
The ship made one stop for coal at Key West.
Well, they could've taken the real princess off there.
Or she could've been taken off the ship before it left Albania.
Which way are you betting? Oh, against us.
Have you made any new smoke bombs? Hah voilà.
Smoke bombs.
I hope you don't mind, old friend, I incorporated a little extra bonus in these.
As it smokes I turn into Aladdin.
Uh, ha, ha, no.
No, when they smoke, they emit a pungent matter which affects the eyes.
The, uh, tear ducts, if you will.
A kind of crying gas.
You know, if that ever came into general use, it could revolutionize warfare.
Put a premium on speed- "He who throws first always wins.
" And for the loser, tears.
Now, what are we going to do about the Albanian Ambassador? Oh, that's easy.
We just, uh, walk into the embassy and say, "Prince Gio, how do you do? "We're the two boobs who are responsible "for your sister, the Princess Gina, being either kidnapped or killed.
" One of the new writing machines.
As a novelty, I'm using it to print a menu of the embassy ball.
May I? Thank you.
A menu prepared by you.
I'd be happy to eat the print.
What a charming compliment, monsieur.
Artemus Gordon.
My name is James West.
We have an appointment to meet the prince.
Oh, yes.
You may go up.
But say nothing until you are spoken to.
Nothing? Whatever you do do not disturb his concentration.
Kung fu.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, he's pretty good.
He's the best I've ever seen.
Now you are mine old bear.
You are a fool for a fake to the left, old bear.
And now I have you.
The fate of the vanquished.
Concentration is the secret of all great strength and power- a philosophy I was taught in the east a long time ago.
Gentlemen, Prince Gio welcomes you.
My name is James West and this is Mr.
Artemus Gordon.
Your Highness.
I know who you are.
Nicholas.
Go have yourself attended to.
If I had been willing to forgo my station in life, I would have been the greatest athlete the world has ever known.
Well, you countered quite beautifully, I must say.
You waited for his attack and then very accurately countered it.
Of course all great athletes do that.
But I am much more than accurate in my judgments.
Actually, I should have lived at the time when the glory of Greece was the greatest.
Then the laurel wreath was honored above all awards.
I would have been the first citizen of Athens.
You're very fast on your feet, Your Highness.
Thank you.
Poor Nicholas.
I did not mean to hurt him.
But in the excitement of the action, I let myself think of tomorrow's opponent.
And who might that be? A 700-pound grizzly bear.
Aah Claws taped, of course? No, why? We must give the bear a chance, no? But, uh, you did not come here to speak of athletics.
No.
I want to talk to you about your sister.
Gina Carlotta.
Yes, your State Department has informed me of her disappearance.
My government will express its disgust with your government in a formal note.
If you will just permit us to explain the circumstances, Your Highness, I'm sure Circumstances? She comes to this barbarous country where there is no respect for a woman, where a crime against an alien is no crime at all.
Gentlemen, where is she? I don't know.
But my government provided every protection.
If that is so, Mr.
West, where is she? Where is my lovely sister? What and who was her protection? We were.
Prince Gio, only those directly concerned knew the port of departure and the name of the ship, and yet criminals managed to reach your sister before her ship entered American waters.
What we're trying to say is there was an information leak.
The ship she sailed on was kept secret.
Are you suggesting, perchance, that any of my staff are traitors? I'm suggesting that we don't accept anything on face value.
I personally vouch for their integrity.
These leaks you speak of, what of your State Department? What of your people? They've all been checked thoroughly, Your Highness.
What we would like to do, Your Highness, is check over the embassy and speak with your staff.
Mr.
West, I have just vouched for my people.
I understand that.
I am suggesting a double check.
This interview is at an end.
Your government will produce my sister, the Princess Gina, by tomorrow, or there will be the most serious consequences.
Your Highness, all we knew was that there was going to be an attempt to stop her from reaching the embassy.
Might I ask what her mission was? And now you want to pry into my government's secrets? Because I am a diplomat, I will control my emotions.
I will merely remind you that your American arrogance and pride have allowed you, this once, to forget you are not Americans standing on American soil.
No.
Indeed not.
You are aliens in Albanian territory.
Show these, uh gentlemen out, please.
Yes, Highness.
This way.
Good afternoon.
For better or worse, business is over.
For worse, I'm afraid.
I was told American men were simpatic.
You were told the truth.
Suppose I issued an invitation- a request that you take me for dinner tonight? I was told that the women of your country are the most enchanting women in the world.
Mmm, you were told the truth.
Unfortunately, I don't have the time to find out.
It is urgent that I speak to you secretly.
It is dangerous for me to keep talking here.
The Continental Hotel.
Room 12.
It's 7:00.
I'm almost ready.
Quite a surprise.
It doesn't look like it's a hotel.
It was quite barren when I moved in.
I'm trying to make it livable.
James? Hmm? I am a very lonely person.
You? Lonely? His Highness says, better to be lonely than to trust Americans.
You can trust some Americans some of the time, and some Americans you can trust all the time.
Mmm, I trust you.
Mmm.
It is poetic, is it not? To touch a woman's lips and find ecstasy? You touch a doorknob, and find death.
Am I too brazen? No.
Not at all.
Shall we go? Oh, must we rush? It is so quiet.
So peaceful.
Let's have dinner.
He's coming.
He is coming before we are ready.
Please, Jim.
Can't we prolong this moment? Is that the initial of a loved one now in the past? Why, yes.
How did you know? I guessed.
Ready? Another moment.
How long did they tell you to keep me here? How did you know that? I said, how long? I don't know what you're talking about.
All right.
Then open the door.
Like the phony princess, you're expendable, too.
You touch that door, and you'd be blown to bits.
You lie! Leave me alone.
You must be convinced, to kill me, they'd kill you or anybody.
I am afraid.
Tell me where the princess is.
I don't know.
You do know.
Now, tell me.
If I told you, they would kill me.
I won't let them.
What can you do? One person against them and their evil.
I have failed them.
They will find me and Not if I get to them first.
There there is a riding club.
Go on.
We meet there.
The wearers of the "C.
" On the Old Post Road, south of the city.
What does the "C" stand for? Camora.
We are an organization of criminals.
We believe in the Camora.
Camora is good.
All hail the C My heart, my soul, my very breath belongs to the Camora.
Camoriste forever! Let the first neophyte step forth.
Are you prepared to take the oath? I am.
Raise your left arm and repeat after me.
I believe in the Camora.
I believe in the Camora.
The Camora is good.
All else is evil.
My heart.
My heart.
My soul.
My soul.
My very breath belongs to the Camora.
My very breath belongs to the Camora.
Camoriste forever.
Let the second neophyte step forth.
Are you prepared to take the oath? I am.
Raise your left hand and repeat after me.
I believe in the Camora.
The Camora is good.
Señor West.
Go from here before they find you.
If-if I do not return with the scrolls Where's the Princess? But you should be the last to ask that.
With your own eyes, you saw a knife thrown into her.
I'm talking about the real princess.
The one that was taken off the ship.
No.
Believe me, I know nothing.
Camoriste forever! Is she inside the barn? I tell you, I do not know.
This life- I cannot stand it anymore.
Always a slave.
Never free.
You get "C" for camoriste, and "F" for lying.
Oh, please, you must believe me.
Are you ready to take the oath? I am.
Raise your left hand and repeat after me.
I believe in the Camora.
I believe in the Camora.
The Camora is good.
Will you help me? That depends.
How? For a beginning, come with me now.
Yes.
I will go with you.
Camoriste! Camoriste! What can we do for you, Mr.
West? You can let me join the club.
I'm afraid that would be impossible.
But how fortunate that you should visit us at this time.
Would you like to guess at my meaning? If I must, I guess you're a little short of targets.
Mr.
West you positively have powers of clairvoyance.
The fact is, we are in dire need of people like you to help us with our training program.
Marianna? Marius.
Quickly.
We have no time to waste.
There is much to be done before we open the doors to our guests at the Embassy Ball tonight.
Take our friendly visitor to the field.
And may the best man win.
Come, Marianna.
In a moment.
We have not finished the ceremony.
I will be there.
If you don't mind me asking, beloved, what's the wine for? If your courage fails, you may drink it.
It contains a quick-acting poison.
It must be quite an exercise you're conducting.
Oh, it is.
A stiff test of skill for all of us.
Is there a prize for the first one to kill me? Nothing quite that crude.
First, our riders will gallop past you throwing spears.
The object is to outline your body with them.
What if one nicks me? It is a foul and he is disqualified.
Well, when do we begin? Oh, as soon as the last neophyte is initiated.
No hurry.
It will be quite a treat for them, with such a handsome, alive object.
For them, or for you, beloved? You are mine no longer, mon ami.
You belong to all of us.
I have a favor to ask.
It may, uh, stop me from drinking the wine.
Yes? You ride first when the serious spear work begins.
You think I won't? I think you'll miss.
I think you'll lose your nerve.
I will put it through your heart.
Camoriste! Stop.
No, he's my kill.
Camoriste! Well, you brought back the pretty signorina to answer a few questions, didn't you? I have nothing to say to either of you.
I'm sure you must know the aims of a crime society are bad.
How little you know of us.
Look, you're caught.
Why don't you help us? Against the Camora? Do you think I would do that to Prince Gio? Besides, his highness is a great and powerful man, one of the leading diplomats.
He would be immune to the sniping of your bureaucrats.
But the Camora advocates violence, so we have to eliminate it.
It is too late for that.
The wearers of the "C" have spread far and wide.
They have organized in well disciplined units, ready to die for king and country.
Upon signal, they will take from your ill-gotten riches that which will make our nation strong and prosperous.
Probably even stronger than you.
This Gio's almost as agile as that cat.
Have you nothing better to do than play with a stray cat? No.
Certainly have earned your milk today.
Wait a minute.
Do you hear something? Hear what? A scraping sound just outside the car.
Better have a look.
James, do you realize that part of my anger is because of you? Because of me? You, you squander yourself.
Waste your skills.
Me? For a government pittance.
Come and join us.
You will have honor and good pay because His Highness admires your style.
Is that why he tried to use me for an outsized pincushion? Why is it you criminals always assume that you can buy a man simply because he works for the government? And I don't work for a pittance.
I live like a king.
And we Camoriste are not criminals.
We are patriots.
Besides money would not be the only thing.
There are other benefits.
Go on.
"C" does not only stand for Camoriste.
It also stands for caress.
Well that's an interesting way to overcome an enemy.
Yes, it is.
Anything outside? No, the engineer says he just saw some horseman riding along the crest of the hill.
Well, the signorina seems very amiable.
Perhaps softened by love? Love does not make one soft.
I beg your pardon.
Blind, then.
A maid-in-waiting ought to know where her princess is.
She ought to know when her princess was killed and where.
Killed? Do you think we are monsters? Then she is alive.
Artemus, if you had to hide someone from a foreign agent, where would the most logical place be? Don't tell me, I think I know.
His Excellency, the Landgrave of Falder, Pomerania.
So nice to see you looking well again.
Thank you.
It's a delightful evening, Your Highness.
The honorable Xavier Perkins.
James West, Esq.
You sure you want to face him alone, Jim? For now.
Good luck.
Thank you, Your Highness.
Enjoy yourself.
Your Highness, Mr.
West is here.
Yes.
I trust you're ready to give him the proper welcome.
Yes, Your Highness.
Good evening.
Evening.
Mr.
West, you are traveling tonight on a State Department visa, I see.
Visa? Yes.
You have left the United States and crossed over into Albania.
And your visa, it has expired.
Isn't tourism one of your industries, Your Highness? You are here on sufferance only.
I notice your guards are dressed in black and white.
How tasteful.
Yes.
And they have orders to prevent all unauthorized departures.
What a coincidence.
My guards on the outside, they have the same orders.
It would seem that one escape from death today would have made you less foolhardy, less impetuous.
You are here only to search for my sister, the Princess Gina.
The whole world is concerned about your sister, Your Highness.
The whole world's feelings are nothing compared to mine.
For the last time, this is a private matter.
And now, may I remind you of an old saying- when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
Enjoy yourself.
Well? Uh, what, sir? Announce me.
Your invitation, please, Excellency? The proper term of address is "Highness.
" I am the Grand Elector of Saxony.
I'm sorry, Your Highness, but no one is admitted without the proper credentials.
Everybody knows the Grand Elector of Saxony.
In all the capitals of the world, I come and go as I please.
I am honored and sought after.
Why, no function is successful without me.
Pe-people are very fond of pointing me out as the longest in-in-in a long, long line of those who've been electing holy Roman emperors since 1326.
Now, announce me, if you please.
I cannot without an invitation, Your Highness.
Am-am I to be rejected by the Albanians of all things? I demand that you summon your prince.
He will know me.
Your Highness.
Yes? I am the Baroness Kolinski.
Perhaps you would share my invitation? I would be charmed.
Oh, uh, but the gentleman your escort? Oh, George hates these affairs.
He would much rather go out to the carriage and sleep.
Excellency, you would be doing me a great favor.
Highness, Highness, Highness.
Yes, thank you.
Delighted.
Thank you.
His Royal Highness, the Grand Elector of Saxony.
Baroness Kolinski.
Oh, uh, Baroness, I wonder whether I could beg your indulgence for a moment, dear lady.
Indulgence? Yes, there's a gentleman over there I want to speak to for just a minute.
I'll hurry right back.
How are you, Jim? You look more like the Grand Elector than the Grand Elector.
Thank you.
How are our chances? Every door's guarded.
I don't think I'll be able to shake clear of this room.
Could you do it under cover of a major disturbance? I might.
You've got it.
Pick your exit.
You'll know when to make your move.
No more, thank you.
Your Royal Highness, it's an honor.
Oh, my dear Landgrave, it's a pleasure to see you looking so, uh fit.
You need not be insincere, Your Highness.
You know, I'm about to lose my mind with this waiting, waiting for the State Department.
While I wait, thousands of our young men perish in an unjust war.
Oh, there's really no need to wait, my dear Landgrave.
I can predict it now.
The official American attitude will be one of strict neutrality.
Neutrality?! Indeed.
With which I disagree.
If I were the American Secretary, I should censure you for violating the Carpathian border.
After all, you had your gunboats fire on their coastlines, their ports.
You presume to condemn Would you give Mr.
Abernathy a glass of champagne, please? For people in-in need of money, in need of friends.
Still much greater than Carpathia.
My father always said over and over and over again, you can never trust a land-hungry Pomeranian.
Barbarians.
Why My people were civilized when yours still lived in caves.
No, no.
Not here, please.
Not at a time like this.
Not at a function like this.
What better time? What better place? Don't try to intimidate me! I would not need to intimidate anyone, my dear friend.
Friend? You have no friends, and as for your reputation as an athletic champion, I am not impressed with that.
I challenge you here and now, and I dub you Champion of Cheese.
Stand aside.
I will now try to impress you.
Clear the area.
I will now throw you from here to the staircase.
Oh, Your Highness, please.
I-I beg of you, forgive me.
I don't know what came over me, really.
I'm terribly sorry.
Forgive me, please.
I'm sorry.
My dear sir, are your not feeling well? Well, it-it was the wine.
The wine.
Yeah, I'm sure it was the wine.
Hello? Shh! Hello.
I'm Gina Carlotta of Albania.
I know.
If they stop me before I free you, remember the name Artemus Gordon.
You can trust him.
Artemus Gordon.
Why did your brother do this to you? Because he knows that I bring orders from my father for the disbanding of the Camora.
He wanted to use the Camora to gain power, to take control.
Poor Gio.
I'm a burden to him.
He'd like to be rid of me.
But he hasn't harmed you.
He doesn't dare.
Even in this cell, he provides me with comforts a feather bed and books to read.
Why? Because if anything happens to me, our father will destroy him.
I can hardly believe that Gio would be afraid of any man.
He thinks that if he takes home the riches amassed through the crimes of the Camora and delivers me unharmed, Father will forgive him anything.
I'm going to have to cut through these bars.
These stout bars? With what? How clever.
Drop it, Mr.
West.
Marius.
Andreas, when you can get up, go out to the yard.
You need a little more practice.
Please, Your Highness, as a favor, let me kill him.
You had your chance, and you failed.
Mr.
West, this time there will be no mistakes, no errors, because I personally am going to kill you.
Gio, you must not.
He was only trying to help me.
Oh? And save you from what, my dear little Gina Carlotta? Save you from your loving brother? Marius Take him to the arena.
Gina Carlotta, I wish to make something clear to you.
Crystal clear.
I will permit no one to interfere with my plans.
That means not even my lovely sister.
Do you wish us to remain, Your Highness? No.
Is there anything else? Yes.
Put the latch on the door as you leave.
Please, Your Highness, may we watch? Yes, you may from the ballroom.
There is the ideal place to watch the descent of the body.
To note how it hits the hard wood without harming the dancers.
Yes, Your Highness.
Look below, Mr.
West.
The net, of course, is not in place.
The loser of our little event will be the one to fall through to the floor below.
I will be gracious and permit you the first attack.
Now, let me say, Mr.
West, that I will most assuredly kill you.
But first, I will enjoy beating you to a pulp.
Concentration, Mr.
West.
Concentration.
That is your destination.
I hope you had a good look.
Delightful! Since the princess has taken over at the Embassy, I know you must be sent home, but I find it just delightful to have the task of escorting you to New Orleans.
I will try to be no trouble.
Trouble? Oh, it just gives us a chance to get better acquainted- to really get to know each other, however briefly.
I'm afraid not, Mr.
Gordon.
No longer is there time for frivolity.
You call romance frivolity.
Don't, Marianna.
You're letting the past disturb you.
The past is always with us.
But so is the future.
You shall have music, dancing, champagne.
Not necessarily in that order.
Presto, Marianna! Music.
I have no time for nonessentials.
Boy, do you pick the wrong time.
Artemus that's not the way it's done.
No? All right, Mr.
Expert, why don't you show me? Hello, Marianna.
Hello, Mr.
West.
Well, last time it was James.
That was a thousand years ago now.
I must learn to earn my livelihood when I go home.
I must learn how to master this machine.
I must practice.
That's the way it's done, huh?