Those Who Can't (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

1 - Hey man! - Hey! Oh my God, it's muggy in here Is here AC out or something.
It's been like this all day.
- So hot in this shirt.
- Then pop it off.
You think I should? We're the only people in the school.
Who cares? - You're right.
Don't mind if I do.
- Yeah.
Woops So, what do you wanna do now? Oh.
You've got some chulk dust on your face.
Oh yeah my dirty.
Salty.
Ah.
Oh, no, no, no.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through - Men is it hot in here or what? - No.
And don't take your shirt off.
- Why would I take my shirt off.
- What is wrong with you.
Nothing's wrong with me.
Everything is fine.
I've been having sex with my women wife in her vagina.
Yeah you're that pro.
Nice work.
Cool principle on deck heads up! I don't know if you guys can feel it, but today's sort of an unusual day.
What's so unusual about it? I guess you haven't heard about our new school police officer.
- No.
- That's right.
He was sent here by Superintendent Carson for reasons - "Unknown.
" - Wait.
So, there's gonna be a cop at the school? Wonder if he's here to bust that prescription drug ring - That I've only heard about.
- Well, I have nothing to hide.
And, on a final note, I'd really appreciate it if you guys could keep him off the roof.
Okay.
I definitely have nothing to hide.
- I love cops.
- Says someone who has never been arrested because they didn't like "your tone.
" And, no, I don't have nothing to hide.
Well, I have nothing to hide.
I'm not hiding pills all over the school.
Strip me naked and search me.
I have nothing to hide.
Well, I probably have less to hide then all of you.
Stop looking at me.
He's doing the boner trick.
- Focus.
You understand? - Oh, man.
- You need to focus.
- Cool dog.
Can I pet him? Absolutely not! Keep your hand off that unit.
- He's on active duty.
- Sorry.
I didn't know.
I'm Loren Payton.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
Did you? Um, yeah.
I'm trying to be friendly here.
- Are you? - Okay, are you just answering every question with a question to try to intimidate me? - Am I? - See, this is why everybody hates cops.
Stuff like this man.
- Cool glasses, Bono.
- Don't mind him.
He's the coolest guy in school.
Name's Coach Fairbell.
I was gonna be a cop myself, but my spine's curved like a question mark.
I'm kind of the Alpha Male around here.
You do sound like you got a bit of street smarts in you.
Well, I do go to Jazzfest every summer.
I could use an extra set of cop eyes around here.
My partner's a bit overstimulated.
He needs to be placed alone in a large room.
Can you help me with that? - I don't know.
Can I? - I will tase you.
Will you? Okay, you will.
All right.
Come with me.
I know a room.
Summer, listen.
You got a second, please? - I've just - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
- Look! A painted man! Please? What hey.
Listen, Can you just be serious for a sec? Oh, listen kid.
I'm about as serious as a heart attack.
- What's up? - I had a sex dream about Loren, and it was very graphic, and I think I enjoyed it.
Oh.
I don't have a wig for that.
Listen, you're always talking about dreams and all this hippie garbage about what they mean.
What does this mean? Well, how many dreams did you have? - One.
- Oh.
It's probably nothing.
I've had a sex dream about every teacher here.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
We see each other every day.
We're bound to have sex dreams about each other.
Tomorrow you'll forget all about this You're right.
I mean you guys are always in my head, my subconscious.
Ha ha! Thank you, Summer.
That helps a lot! Yo, who Summer? Who dat? I'm Bobbi - Bobbi from the street! - I'm out.
Yo, yo, yo! Hey! And this is the library.
It's pretty boring, but there are some cool puzzles in the back.
Oh, here's Abbey, our librarian.
Hey! I was I wasn't, uh, doing anything.
- I was just watching a TV show.
- TV show? Yeah, "The Wire.
" I downloaded it.
- Downloaded it? - I don't remember the name of the site, but I-I think it was Legitimate.
- You think? - Fine! It was an illegal download! I was gonna send them a check! I think there's stamps in the office! Get out of my way! That's amazing! I had no idea that she was a criminal! God damn Liberians.
All right.
I got to get to class.
You gonna be all right on your own? I don't know.
Am I? Yes! All right.
I'll see you on the flippity-flop.
Time for a little recon.
Hey, Penelope, my prize little peach.
You're a penelo-peach, is what you are.
You like that word? It was it was like he had a sixth sense! I had never been interrogated like that.
- Who, Callahan? - Yeah.
That asshole just shoulder-checked me in the hallway.
Oh, but you handled it like a champ, right, bro? Who cares? He's terrifying.
I had to throw away a semester's worth of Adderall.
Ooh.
Everyone, I have a confession that I'd like to make, and I'm glad you're all here to hear it.
I violated the urban homesteading act.
Yeah, that's right.
You're allowed to have eight chickens or ducks, and yet I have nine.
I recently came across Penelope in the "gently used" section of Craigslist, and I'm not gonna get rid of her just to remain in compliance! This is crazy.
Quinn, you're not a criminal.
None of us are criminals.
- We need to get rid of that cop.
- Oh, yeah, bro.
Uh, b-b-b-b.
- Ugh.
- Ohh.
Why would he? What the hell was that about? He has got to go.
Hey.
Hey.
Summer.
Roll it down.
Roll it down.
Roll it down.
It happened again.
It happened again.
- It's always gonna happen.
- Good god, you were propped up by Adderall.
Help me.
Roll this down.
Okay.
What what did you dream about now? Similar dream, s-sort of, but this time, I completed.
- You completed what? - I Completed.
Oh, you juiced on your sheets dreaming about Loren? God that sounds bad when you say it like that.
But that's not bad, right? I mean, that doesn't mean - anything, right? - It means something.
It's recurring.
You need to figure out why.
I don't know why.
I'm just suddenly drawn to him.
- Just lean in to it.
- Lean in lean in to it? - Lean in to it.
- Okay, but what does What are you doing? What is that you can't say that and then roll it up.
What does that mean? What does "lean in to it" mean? What are you listening to? Oh, that's terrible! Screw it! Oh, my god.
Gah! What does that mean?! - You ready, Tammy? - I don't know.
He seems pretty revved up.
This is your plan! We're here to support you! This is gonna be great! - You got this, Tammy.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry I'm late.
- All right.
Get your game on.
- Come on.
- Go.
Go.
See it with your cop eyes.
Okay.
She did it.
And he's gonna attack her.
This video's gonna go viral, and he's gonna get fired.
Are you getting this, Shoemaker? Yeah, I'm getting all the action.
Finished? Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
There you go.
I thought that was a bit excessive.
I don't know what's going on.
Normally I'd be in cuffs by now.
Maybe not all cops are racist.
But you're not trying hard enough! You need to, like, black it up! Black it up?! Okay.
Yeah.
I'm gonna put some Put some black on it.
"African-american it up"? You should have said, "african-american it up.
" Oh, that's so black.
It looks like she's having a seizure.
It's called "crip walking.
" - You're so white.
- Hey, do you think I could go on a ride-along? I'll drive.
You can just relax.
How can I refuse in the face of such enthusiasm? - Yes! - You kind of remind me of McClane.
Really? Thank you! - Oh, hey, Tammy! - What?! Where is he going?! Cops don't just let black people go! - I know.
- Hold still.
You've, uh - You've got an eyelash.
- What? Oh.
- Make a wish.
- No.
No.
Ohh.
Oh, god.
Where did Tammy go?! My sweet Penelope.
I will find you again.
Yes.
I know.
I love you, too.
Okay.
Well? Any progress on getting rid of Callahan? Not really.
- Tammy kind of blew it.
- It wasn't her fault.
- Those cops came out of nowhere! - Ohh.
Well, that escalated quickly.
Please tell me you got video of that.
Oh, y No, I didn't really get much of an angle.
There were a lot of there were some bushes and trees and much more daylight Give me this.
Man! I risked my life and you're - busy filming bro porn?! - These little cameras are so - hard to use, and - Boy, you better sleep with one eye open, because I'll be watching you.
Tammy, you just may be a genius.
That's it stakeout! We stake him out! - What are you talking about?! - What are we staking out? Well, think about it.
Callahan is here for some shadowy reason that nobody understands, right? Well, while he's watching us, you and I watch him, huh? It's gonna be great! all cops have something to hide.
I cannot be hearing any of this, okay? But, seriously, get it taken care of, okay? Actually not a bad plan, Shoemaker.
I mean, it does seem like he's putting on an act with those David Caruso glasses.
- Yes, totally.
- Right.
I'll pick you up at about 7:00.
We could stop, maybe get a - couple drinks beforehand.
- No, I don't think that's necessary.
You're right.
I'll bring them along.
You still like IPAs, right? - Yeah, I-I like IPAs - I'll get some of those.
So, what time should I meet you guys there? No! What? No.
No, no, no, no.
Just us, right? Just the guy time.
No, I think the more eyes we have on this, probably the - better, right? - No! No! God! No! I mean, she's just gonna talk - about her period all night.
- I'm not gonna talk about my period.
She's already doing it.
- Chicks, man.
- Yeah.
You know, we could grab some dinner.
Hey, do you still wear Drakkar Noir, or are you CK One? - Oh, dude, CK One, head to toe.
- Really? - Yeah, dude.
- Love it.
I'm just saying don't hold the door for me anymore, you know.
It's it's weird.
Noted.
Okay.
How's your IPA? It's fine.
What is this we're listening to? Mm.
I think it's Dave Matthews.
- This isn't Dave Matthews.
- Yeah.
No, I think it is.
- No.
- You love Dave Matthews Band.
No.
It's Dave-esque, but it's not Dave.
What this fine! - It doesn't matter.
I - It does matter.
You know, I just wanted to try something new, you know? I'm into trying new things tonight.
You're my sweet elixir God when is that cop coming home.
Burning They think they can keep us out? Stupid boys' club.
What are they even doing? I don't know.
Looks like every first date I've ever been on.
Hmm.
Oh, my god.
- My cramps are so bad right now.
- Girl, that's my every month.
You know, Tammy, this is nice.
You smoke weed? Hmm.
Oh, you have, like, every XM radio station.
No way! You have the Blue Collar Comedy? God, this one's my favorite! You might be a redneck if you can get 'er done! Right? Oh, yes! You know what else is funny? Your little pals are planning a surprise.
I say we scare the shit out of them.
What do you say? Pff! Is my name tater salad? I like seeing you loosen up.
Yeah, well, it's these tunes, dude, just ripping through my body.
- It feels great.
- Yeah.
I've been having dreams lately.
That's cool.
I dream all the time.
The other night, I was, like, flying on a wolf in the forest.
- What?! That's crazy! - What's that about? - You're in my dreams.
- That's cool.
Dream cameo I like it.
Yeah.
Well, you're actually a main character.
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
You weren't wearing your shirt - in the last one.
- Right on.
Mm.
And then we kissed.
Uh-huh.
And then when I woke up in the morning.
I realized that I had Completed.
Wait, Shoemaker.
Are you saying you had a wet - dream about me? - No! No! God, no! - Ugh.
Okay.
- No.
I-I'm I'm I'm saying I had several wet dreams about you.
Oof.
Well, that is some shit.
But it's not bad, right? I-I mean, Summer said it wasn't bad.
She said that this is normal.
It's just that I have to lean in to it, or they could torment me.
What does that mean "lean in to it"? No.
No.
What are you hey, Shoemaker.
Oh, my god! I don't even feel I don't - even feel my cramps anymore.
- Oh, wow.
Periods are, like, so weird, right? What are they doing? First of all, I don't know why your shirt is off for this Second of all, I'm not kissing you for $125.
$150 will that get the job done? $150 will get you a quick kiss, but only 'cause I'm helping out a very confused - friend, okay? - Great.
Take your shirt off.
No.
See? No.
Exactly.
You keep adding shit on.
- I'm not adding anything on! - 50 bucks extra for the shirt off.
Oh, my $200 - Mm-hmm.
- Shirt off and tongue, - shake on it, and we got a deal.
- See? You just added tongue.
- You don't think I'm gonna notice that? - I didn't add anything.
What's the difference?! Come on, man! All right.
$200, shirt off, and a little bit of tongue.
I'm not going nuts or anything.
- That's all anybody's asking! - All right! What is happening? What is happening? Shut up! - $350 total, for everything? - Yes.
Deal.
- All right, deal.
- You got it.
How much did you bring? I don't know Like seven or eight.
No, not condoms cash! - How much cash did you bring? - Oh.
Well, I didn't know what it would take to get you to do it, so I borrowed against my 401(K) All right.
Wait.
Seven or eight?! Kill the lights.
- Jesus, Shoemaker.
- Kill the lights.
Shoemaker, what did you think was gonna happen here? Use your cop eyes and tell me exactly what you see.
That's like "Lady and The Tramp" Okay, but this stays between us, right? Dude, of course.
Who would I tell.
I don't know.
My heart is racing so fast.
Just do it.
Mnh.
Aah! Let's get stupid Uhhhhhhhhh! Ugh.
Aah.
Aah.
Dah! God! Ugh! You're so aggressive, dude! - Dude, that was the worst idea ever! - It's like you're counting my teeth.
What is wrong with you?! I wasn't counting your teeth! You kiss like an 8th-grader, - man! - You're tooth stinks.
- I can smell your tooth.
- You know I have a rotting - tooth! - So floss! - Why would you say that?! - Why are you wearing women's - deodorant? - What?! Dude, you're wearing women's deodorant.
It's secret.
It's strong enough for a man.
- You're wearing secret? - Yeah.
A chili's waitress left it at my house like a year ago.
I just put it on the other day.
- You Dick! - What?! Secret! The first girl that I was ever with, the girl I lost my virginity with she used to wear secret! I was obsessed with her for s - that's it! - That's what it is! - That's what it is! - Dude! - The smell of the secret! - That's what it is! - You're not gay! - No! - None of this is gay! - Just a guy helping a guy, dude.
Two dudes helping each other out.
- Thank you! God! - That's bro shit dude.
But we should still definitely never tell anybody - about this.
- No.
This stays here, between you and me.
- Oh, god.
- We got a runner! Go get him, buddy! - Is that Fairbell? - Girl! Heh! Evening, Officer.
Beautiful night out tonight, isn't it? - Is it? - Hell, yeah, it is, because I'm not gay not that there's anything wrong with that.
I didn't even get hard.
It's like a boneless thumb down there.
I should get out of the car.
Whoa.
Nice jacket.
How much it cost? - $350.
- $350.
And the worst part is we're no closer to getting rid of that asshole cop.
Why do you guys want to get rid of Callahan anyway? For a blind guy, he's doing a pretty great job.
- Wait.
He's blind?! - What did you just say? - What?! - Yeah.
You didn't know? Penelope's gone! All that's left in the room is a bunch of feathers! Look who I found roughhousing.
Oh, my god! Penelope, you're okay! Oh, my - Oh, gosh.
- Hey, how'd you find that duck, Callahan Listen for the quacks? That's very hurtful but true.
Wait a second.
What's what's he talking about? Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag.
I am Completely blind.
Wait a minute.
- Your drug-sniffing dog - Is actually a seeing-eye dog.
So that's why you didn't arrest me for littering.
- You didn't know I was black! - You're black? I can't believe you guys really didn't notice.
- It was Pretty obvious.
- Time for a little recon.
Hey! No skateboarding! I was involved in a freak pyrotechnical accident a while back, and, getting close to retirement.
The department thought it was a good idea for me to hide out here for a while until my pension kicked in.
But I guess that's not gonna work out that way, so, uh, thanks, everybody, for being nice to an old man and letting me be a good cop for the last few days.
Well, wait.
Hold on.
I think I speak for all of us in here when I say that you should stay and we'll just hope that no - actual crimes happen.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
I don't know what to say.
Uh I got a bunch of fireworks left over at my house from last year.
Why don't you all come over and - we'll blow 'em off? - Yes! - Sounds great! - That'd be awesome! - That'd be great! - Sure! Sounds like a party to me! Let's go! - Let's go! - Come on! - Ooh.
- Ooh.
As I was saying.
Now that I'm done with my third novel I'm moving back to Spain.
No way, I started my novel in Spain.
That is too funny.
Excuse me! I couldn't help but overhear you're talking about Spain.
Look I've never done anything like this before but Would you be interested in coming back to my place? Little sangria.
Maybe a nice Rioja.
- Check please.
- Check.