Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s01e08 Episode Script
Cockfight
I really don't understand this one.
What's not to understand? That idiot used the book.
Maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(Jenny) Curtis has been turned to stone (Jenny) and he's holding the book of pure evil.
Do you know anything about this, Todd? No, why would I know anything about this? So Curtis used the book for some unknown reason and as a consequence he's been turned to stone? (Hannah) Why did he use the book? Isn't it obvious? He wanted to be permanently stoned.
That doesn't follow the paradigm of the book.
If he used the book shouldn't there be a negative effect on the rest of the school? Okay, whatever, let's get him outta here before someone pisses on him.
Ugh, okay-- Before someone else pisses on him.
Okay, we need to figure out how Curtis got the book.
Who's the last person to see him pre-statue? Well, I did see Curtis earlier today when he was normal walky, talky Curtis.
What were you guys talking about? I'd love to tell you, but under guidance counselor student rules of confidentiality, I can't talk about it.
But I can show you.
Oh, this isn't right.
These kids come to you for private guidance and you film them? Show me the sign in here that says I don't videotape these sessions.
And that makes it okay? You can do a horrible thing because you said you wouldn't? It's just for my private records, nobody sees it but me.
And the A/V club, I suppose, they edit it.
The A/V club.
I've got five cameras, I can't edit all this footage by myself.
Is it as tiny as this pencil eraser? Dude, my friend's penis is small, we don't need to know how small.
Is it as small as this baby carrot? Hey, maybe I should go talk to somebody else.
(Atticus) No, I'm here for you.
'Cause you're here? No, you're not alone in having a penis as small as this staple remover.
I told you that this isn't about me.
And for the record, my penis is the size of three of those staple removers.
Two and a half.
Somewhere between two and a half and three staple removers in length.
You know what? Uh, forget it, I'm just gonna talk to Bailey myself.
Okay.
Bailey, huh.
I completely missed that the first time around.
He must be referring to Bailey Morris, the school bully.
Something to do with that incident this morning between Curtis, Bailey-- And YOU.
Sit down.
Is this about the picture that you sent me? Oh, that was from you, gross.
There were pictures? Gross pictures? Spill it out, Todd, there might be a clue.
Yeahmaybe.
(Bailey) Hold him still.
Okay, wait wait.
Hold him still.
I have a message for him from beyond the grave.
(Todd) This guy makes me sick.
Listen carefully to what the spirits say.
What? I think his dead grandmother's trying to tell him something.
My grandmother's not even dead! Man, I can't watch this.
I can't not watch this.
There's a kind of genius at work here.
Yes, I can feel the message building, coming through from the other side.
(Curtis) Anybody can just fart in somebody's face.
Why's he dressing it up like a message from beyond death? (Curtis) He really goes the extra mile.
(jock) Uh oh! I've got an idea.
Get your cellphone out.
(Todd) I want you to take a picture.
Grab him! His granny's not done talkin' to him yet! (Curtis) What am I taking a picture of? (Todd) You'll know when you see it.
Ha ha ha, ha ha! (Todd) Holy shit! You two are dead! Dead! What? He said we were dead.
Not I'm gonna turn you guys into statues.
It's still motive though.
There is more motive, right, Todd? I might have motivated him a bit more.
Awww, man.
It's practically nonexistent.
Is that tiny? Dude, that is beyond tiny.
Hey, what did you do? I just sent that photo to everybody in school.
You're gonna humiliate him? That's the plan.
Total humili-nilation.
Which means that either Bailey will find the book, or the the book will find him.
Don't you feel bad about using Bailey as book bait? Maybe he's a bully because he feels inadequate.
We should be telling him it's oka y to have a small penis.
Not set the powers of pure evil on him.
Dude, it's totally not okay to have a small penis.
What? I didn't make the rules! (Atticus) What'd you label it, I'm not seeing it? Uh, Bailey Morris' small penis.
Oh yes, there it is.
Oh my god You gotta blow it up just to see anything at all! Ha ha ha! Anyway, Curtis must have tried to get the book from Bailey and then, I dunno, Bailey must have somehow, turned Curtis into stone.
And where were you when all this happened? Todd? So tiny.
He he he he he.
You got stoned and forgot your whole plan, didn't you? Yeah.
Now your best friend is a statue! Yeah but that wasn't part of the plan.
This is why you're not in charge.
Could we get off me and back onto Curtis please? Right, let's just find Bailey.
How's it hanging, Tiny? Sweet pictures, Tiny, seriously.
How's your teenie weenie peenie? (student) You must need a magnifying glass to jerk off! Show us your baby dick! You know, it's not nice to bully someone, even if that someone is a bully.
Bullies are people, too.
We have feelings, you know? We just express them differently.
Usually by wailing on someone.
All I ask is that you show me the respect that I didn't show you.
Okay? Baby dick! Baby dick! I'll show you baby dick! (gasps and screams) (screams) Let's change into our gym clothes.
There's no time, something's happening.
I know that's what we normally do, then I get blood on my good clothes.
I'd rather get blood on my gym clothes.
You're serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
Blood washes out of cheap cotton fabric.
it doesn't wash out of lace.
Well these pants did cost $35.
(screams) See! There's more freedom of movement, right? I feel like I'm dressed for speed.
It's spreading.
Dude.
Whoa, easy.
Tell us what you saw man.
Todd, he's blind.
Oh-- SORRY, DUDE! (Jenny) Aaron , what happened? You wouldn't believe it.
(Atticus) Oh, we'd completely believe it.
I heard them screaming, and then nothing.
But something rubbed past me, I felt it.
It touched me.
It rubbed itself all over me, it was horrible! It was rubbing and touching and rubbing and touching, and-- SLAP! What the fuck? Somebody just slapped me! Oh, Mr.
Murphy! SLAP! What the fuck!!! Todd told me to.
Will you stop slapping Aaron for five seconds? Aaron, forget them.
What touched you? It felt like a giant penis.
A giant, snaky penis.
But, but that's impossible right? Dude, do you even go to this school? - Hello? - Atticus! Oh, it's you.
Our patience with you is wearing thin.
(Atticus) Yeah yeah yeah! I've got the book! Relax, I'll be right there! Don't get your robe in a knot.
Oh, hi, Todd.
Are you trying to chisel off Curtis' arm? Oh, it's his-- It's his prosthetic arm.
Oh my god, it's not.
I'll leave you two alone.
(screams) Hey dude.
I know you can't hear me but I just-- I wanted to say I'm really sorry about, well, sometimes I act before I think, and just-- it seems to like really mess everything up.
So, I'm sorry about what I said about you having a small, you know.
But if it makes you feel any better, I heard some chicks really like guys with small, you know, as long as you're good with your hands-- Well, hand-- Um, but I mean you've only got the one, right, so you're probably really, really good with it.
You know, kinda how like blind people can hear really well.
We met a blind guy today and he was really cool, he wasn't creepy at all.
Look, what I guess I'm trying to say is, it's totally okay if you have a small penis.
Maybe we can pry the book out of Curtis' arms.
Tried that, didn't work.
I think we should just wait here.
How does waiting here help anything? Haven't you guys noticed? Trouble always comes to us.
We waste a lot of time running around, looking for clues, but it always ends up finding us.
I'm just suggesting that we eliminate the running around part.
Evil does seem to find us faster than we find evil.
So that's our plan.
To wait.
? (screams) We all heard a scream, right? Uh huh.
Mmmmhmm.
And we're just going to-- Ah, just wait for it.
(screams) KNOCK-KNOCK (Bailey) Todd, are you in there? You little shit! (Bailey) Do you know what you've done? (penis monster) GRRRRRR I guess I've got to go fight Bailey's evil wang now.
How are you going to do that without getting turned to stone? (Hannah) I have an idea.
But, it might sound-- Crazy! What? Every time she says she has an idea she says it's gonna sound crazy.
There, I've rigged up a set of heat-vision goggles to enable Todd to navigate through the halls without being turned to stone.
Cape was his idea.
Awesome! Do I look like a super hero? You look like a pervert.
Ah ha! Super pervert.
(Jenny) Anyone seen Attiucs? He said he was following a lead.
(Jenny) Well, we can't keep waiting for him so-- Todd! Uh huh? Is this thing working? Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it.
It glows glowier whenever there's more heat.
(Jenny) Back off! You're gonna need this for the, um Cool, so-- (Jenny) Whoa, whoa-- What am I supposed to do with this? I think it's pretty obvious.
(Jenny) Don't tell me you haven't figured that out.
You have to cut off Bailey's penis.
What? I thought I was gonna talk some sense into it.
When was the last time you talked some sense into your own penis? That's a good point.
(ominous music plays) (ominous music plays) CRASH! Sorry, dude.
Todd! Todd! ? Dude, you're huge.
(Bailey) I didn't want to be this huge, okay? Look at it.
It'd split open a humpback whale.
You realize what I gotta do, right? Talk some sense into it? Tried that.
Does not work.
Never does.
I gotta cut it off.
Oh jesus no, please not that, okay? I swear to you, I will keep this in my pants.
Dude, that thing can't fit in your pants.
Then I'll buy bigger pants, okay? I'll shop at one of those fat kid stores.
We both know that's not gonna work, Bailey.
It controls you, it has a mind of it's own.
This thing doesn't control me, okay? I control it.
(penis monster groans) See? Ha ha! WHACK! (Bailey struggles) Hello, Todd.
That's your dick talkin' to me, right? (penis monster) You and I are not so different.
(Todd) Yeah? I'm not a giant dick.
Some may disagree with that, but that's besides the point.
? We are both connected to the book.
I am merely a servant, but you, you could be it's master.
UGH! (grunts/struggles) Ha ha ha! AHHHHHH! (penis monster) Let's see how you like it.
Bailey, your cock is killing me! AHHHHHHHH! Bailey is weak, he cannot control the book's power, but you.
Embrace the evil, Todd, you have power beyond my wildest dreams.
You'll be the king of kings, the cock of all cocks.
Come on, you know you want it.
I have a hard time believing a giant talking dick.
Then you must die! Ha ha ha ha! Dah! Ha ha ha! Dah! Ha ha ha! Cut it off! Let me get my-- POOF! (screams) It's so huge! Ah-choo! AHHHHHH! Mr.
Murphy! AHHHHHH! What's his problem? (heavy metal music plays) (heavy metal music plays) Poor Bailey.
No one deserves that kind of punishment.
AHHHHH! Seems pretty poetic to me.
The bully gets his terrorizing teenie weenie cut off.
(Jenny) I applaud how this one turned out.
Yeah, well the next time some snotty cheerleaders' boobs are turning everyone into paintings and we have to cut her boobs off, and you are all like, oh it's a shame we had to cut Lucy's boobs off, and then me and Curtis will be all yay for boob cutting.
Yay for boob cutting.
See how you like it.
Okay.
Dude, seriously, it's so good to have you back.
And don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
What do you mean? You know, having a small penis.
I don't have a small penis.
It's okay, dude, we all know.
And knowing is half the battle.
(Atticus) Oh, I have to take this.
Man, I can't believe I had to battle a giant, evil, talking penis.
What? It talked to you? What did it say? Oh, you know, the usual cock talk.
Length versus gir,, quality versus quantity, how to master evil.
What was that? How to masterbate.
And then I killed it.
Hey Curtis, let's go smoke a J.
Cool.
What's not to understand? That idiot used the book.
Maybe we shouldn't jump to conclusions.
(Jenny) Curtis has been turned to stone (Jenny) and he's holding the book of pure evil.
Do you know anything about this, Todd? No, why would I know anything about this? So Curtis used the book for some unknown reason and as a consequence he's been turned to stone? (Hannah) Why did he use the book? Isn't it obvious? He wanted to be permanently stoned.
That doesn't follow the paradigm of the book.
If he used the book shouldn't there be a negative effect on the rest of the school? Okay, whatever, let's get him outta here before someone pisses on him.
Ugh, okay-- Before someone else pisses on him.
Okay, we need to figure out how Curtis got the book.
Who's the last person to see him pre-statue? Well, I did see Curtis earlier today when he was normal walky, talky Curtis.
What were you guys talking about? I'd love to tell you, but under guidance counselor student rules of confidentiality, I can't talk about it.
But I can show you.
Oh, this isn't right.
These kids come to you for private guidance and you film them? Show me the sign in here that says I don't videotape these sessions.
And that makes it okay? You can do a horrible thing because you said you wouldn't? It's just for my private records, nobody sees it but me.
And the A/V club, I suppose, they edit it.
The A/V club.
I've got five cameras, I can't edit all this footage by myself.
Is it as tiny as this pencil eraser? Dude, my friend's penis is small, we don't need to know how small.
Is it as small as this baby carrot? Hey, maybe I should go talk to somebody else.
(Atticus) No, I'm here for you.
'Cause you're here? No, you're not alone in having a penis as small as this staple remover.
I told you that this isn't about me.
And for the record, my penis is the size of three of those staple removers.
Two and a half.
Somewhere between two and a half and three staple removers in length.
You know what? Uh, forget it, I'm just gonna talk to Bailey myself.
Okay.
Bailey, huh.
I completely missed that the first time around.
He must be referring to Bailey Morris, the school bully.
Something to do with that incident this morning between Curtis, Bailey-- And YOU.
Sit down.
Is this about the picture that you sent me? Oh, that was from you, gross.
There were pictures? Gross pictures? Spill it out, Todd, there might be a clue.
Yeahmaybe.
(Bailey) Hold him still.
Okay, wait wait.
Hold him still.
I have a message for him from beyond the grave.
(Todd) This guy makes me sick.
Listen carefully to what the spirits say.
What? I think his dead grandmother's trying to tell him something.
My grandmother's not even dead! Man, I can't watch this.
I can't not watch this.
There's a kind of genius at work here.
Yes, I can feel the message building, coming through from the other side.
(Curtis) Anybody can just fart in somebody's face.
Why's he dressing it up like a message from beyond death? (Curtis) He really goes the extra mile.
(jock) Uh oh! I've got an idea.
Get your cellphone out.
(Todd) I want you to take a picture.
Grab him! His granny's not done talkin' to him yet! (Curtis) What am I taking a picture of? (Todd) You'll know when you see it.
Ha ha ha, ha ha! (Todd) Holy shit! You two are dead! Dead! What? He said we were dead.
Not I'm gonna turn you guys into statues.
It's still motive though.
There is more motive, right, Todd? I might have motivated him a bit more.
Awww, man.
It's practically nonexistent.
Is that tiny? Dude, that is beyond tiny.
Hey, what did you do? I just sent that photo to everybody in school.
You're gonna humiliate him? That's the plan.
Total humili-nilation.
Which means that either Bailey will find the book, or the the book will find him.
Don't you feel bad about using Bailey as book bait? Maybe he's a bully because he feels inadequate.
We should be telling him it's oka y to have a small penis.
Not set the powers of pure evil on him.
Dude, it's totally not okay to have a small penis.
What? I didn't make the rules! (Atticus) What'd you label it, I'm not seeing it? Uh, Bailey Morris' small penis.
Oh yes, there it is.
Oh my god You gotta blow it up just to see anything at all! Ha ha ha! Anyway, Curtis must have tried to get the book from Bailey and then, I dunno, Bailey must have somehow, turned Curtis into stone.
And where were you when all this happened? Todd? So tiny.
He he he he he.
You got stoned and forgot your whole plan, didn't you? Yeah.
Now your best friend is a statue! Yeah but that wasn't part of the plan.
This is why you're not in charge.
Could we get off me and back onto Curtis please? Right, let's just find Bailey.
How's it hanging, Tiny? Sweet pictures, Tiny, seriously.
How's your teenie weenie peenie? (student) You must need a magnifying glass to jerk off! Show us your baby dick! You know, it's not nice to bully someone, even if that someone is a bully.
Bullies are people, too.
We have feelings, you know? We just express them differently.
Usually by wailing on someone.
All I ask is that you show me the respect that I didn't show you.
Okay? Baby dick! Baby dick! I'll show you baby dick! (gasps and screams) (screams) Let's change into our gym clothes.
There's no time, something's happening.
I know that's what we normally do, then I get blood on my good clothes.
I'd rather get blood on my gym clothes.
You're serious? Yeah, I'm serious.
Blood washes out of cheap cotton fabric.
it doesn't wash out of lace.
Well these pants did cost $35.
(screams) See! There's more freedom of movement, right? I feel like I'm dressed for speed.
It's spreading.
Dude.
Whoa, easy.
Tell us what you saw man.
Todd, he's blind.
Oh-- SORRY, DUDE! (Jenny) Aaron , what happened? You wouldn't believe it.
(Atticus) Oh, we'd completely believe it.
I heard them screaming, and then nothing.
But something rubbed past me, I felt it.
It touched me.
It rubbed itself all over me, it was horrible! It was rubbing and touching and rubbing and touching, and-- SLAP! What the fuck? Somebody just slapped me! Oh, Mr.
Murphy! SLAP! What the fuck!!! Todd told me to.
Will you stop slapping Aaron for five seconds? Aaron, forget them.
What touched you? It felt like a giant penis.
A giant, snaky penis.
But, but that's impossible right? Dude, do you even go to this school? - Hello? - Atticus! Oh, it's you.
Our patience with you is wearing thin.
(Atticus) Yeah yeah yeah! I've got the book! Relax, I'll be right there! Don't get your robe in a knot.
Oh, hi, Todd.
Are you trying to chisel off Curtis' arm? Oh, it's his-- It's his prosthetic arm.
Oh my god, it's not.
I'll leave you two alone.
(screams) Hey dude.
I know you can't hear me but I just-- I wanted to say I'm really sorry about, well, sometimes I act before I think, and just-- it seems to like really mess everything up.
So, I'm sorry about what I said about you having a small, you know.
But if it makes you feel any better, I heard some chicks really like guys with small, you know, as long as you're good with your hands-- Well, hand-- Um, but I mean you've only got the one, right, so you're probably really, really good with it.
You know, kinda how like blind people can hear really well.
We met a blind guy today and he was really cool, he wasn't creepy at all.
Look, what I guess I'm trying to say is, it's totally okay if you have a small penis.
Maybe we can pry the book out of Curtis' arms.
Tried that, didn't work.
I think we should just wait here.
How does waiting here help anything? Haven't you guys noticed? Trouble always comes to us.
We waste a lot of time running around, looking for clues, but it always ends up finding us.
I'm just suggesting that we eliminate the running around part.
Evil does seem to find us faster than we find evil.
So that's our plan.
To wait.
? (screams) We all heard a scream, right? Uh huh.
Mmmmhmm.
And we're just going to-- Ah, just wait for it.
(screams) KNOCK-KNOCK (Bailey) Todd, are you in there? You little shit! (Bailey) Do you know what you've done? (penis monster) GRRRRRR I guess I've got to go fight Bailey's evil wang now.
How are you going to do that without getting turned to stone? (Hannah) I have an idea.
But, it might sound-- Crazy! What? Every time she says she has an idea she says it's gonna sound crazy.
There, I've rigged up a set of heat-vision goggles to enable Todd to navigate through the halls without being turned to stone.
Cape was his idea.
Awesome! Do I look like a super hero? You look like a pervert.
Ah ha! Super pervert.
(Jenny) Anyone seen Attiucs? He said he was following a lead.
(Jenny) Well, we can't keep waiting for him so-- Todd! Uh huh? Is this thing working? Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it.
It glows glowier whenever there's more heat.
(Jenny) Back off! You're gonna need this for the, um Cool, so-- (Jenny) Whoa, whoa-- What am I supposed to do with this? I think it's pretty obvious.
(Jenny) Don't tell me you haven't figured that out.
You have to cut off Bailey's penis.
What? I thought I was gonna talk some sense into it.
When was the last time you talked some sense into your own penis? That's a good point.
(ominous music plays) (ominous music plays) CRASH! Sorry, dude.
Todd! Todd! ? Dude, you're huge.
(Bailey) I didn't want to be this huge, okay? Look at it.
It'd split open a humpback whale.
You realize what I gotta do, right? Talk some sense into it? Tried that.
Does not work.
Never does.
I gotta cut it off.
Oh jesus no, please not that, okay? I swear to you, I will keep this in my pants.
Dude, that thing can't fit in your pants.
Then I'll buy bigger pants, okay? I'll shop at one of those fat kid stores.
We both know that's not gonna work, Bailey.
It controls you, it has a mind of it's own.
This thing doesn't control me, okay? I control it.
(penis monster groans) See? Ha ha! WHACK! (Bailey struggles) Hello, Todd.
That's your dick talkin' to me, right? (penis monster) You and I are not so different.
(Todd) Yeah? I'm not a giant dick.
Some may disagree with that, but that's besides the point.
? We are both connected to the book.
I am merely a servant, but you, you could be it's master.
UGH! (grunts/struggles) Ha ha ha! AHHHHHH! (penis monster) Let's see how you like it.
Bailey, your cock is killing me! AHHHHHHHH! Bailey is weak, he cannot control the book's power, but you.
Embrace the evil, Todd, you have power beyond my wildest dreams.
You'll be the king of kings, the cock of all cocks.
Come on, you know you want it.
I have a hard time believing a giant talking dick.
Then you must die! Ha ha ha ha! Dah! Ha ha ha! Dah! Ha ha ha! Cut it off! Let me get my-- POOF! (screams) It's so huge! Ah-choo! AHHHHHH! Mr.
Murphy! AHHHHHH! What's his problem? (heavy metal music plays) (heavy metal music plays) Poor Bailey.
No one deserves that kind of punishment.
AHHHHH! Seems pretty poetic to me.
The bully gets his terrorizing teenie weenie cut off.
(Jenny) I applaud how this one turned out.
Yeah, well the next time some snotty cheerleaders' boobs are turning everyone into paintings and we have to cut her boobs off, and you are all like, oh it's a shame we had to cut Lucy's boobs off, and then me and Curtis will be all yay for boob cutting.
Yay for boob cutting.
See how you like it.
Okay.
Dude, seriously, it's so good to have you back.
And don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
What do you mean? You know, having a small penis.
I don't have a small penis.
It's okay, dude, we all know.
And knowing is half the battle.
(Atticus) Oh, I have to take this.
Man, I can't believe I had to battle a giant, evil, talking penis.
What? It talked to you? What did it say? Oh, you know, the usual cock talk.
Length versus gir,, quality versus quantity, how to master evil.
What was that? How to masterbate.
And then I killed it.
Hey Curtis, let's go smoke a J.
Cool.