Trollied (2011) s01e08 Episode Script

- Valco - Serves you right.
- Nervous.
- You won't beat our prices.
- Can she stop that? - If you get it cheaper, I'll cook it.
- We have 17 varieties of poppadom.
- Offers from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.
- Fresh produce.
- Delivered daily.
- The Valco tick.
- That way.
- Valco.
- I wasn't ready.
Valco serves you right.
Valco serves you right.
(over tannoy) .
.
with teabags on offer.
Two for one.
Don't miss out on this offer which ends today.
No way, mate.
You'll love it.
It's blue, but it's dynamite.
Go on.
It's an honour to be Kieran's best man, and when he told me he wanted me to take good care of Emma's ring, - ladies and gentlemen - Whoa.
Enough.
Andy, I'm sorry.
I've thought long and hard about it and it was a toss-up between my actual mates, my brother, or the fat butcher I have to stand next to all day every bloody day.
It were a tough call.
Bet none of them can fillet a whole cow in an hour.
- No.
- You get practical skills with me, not just a great speech.
Don't give me that face.
You know it makes me weak.
Stop it.
- Hello, I'm Gavin.
- I'm Steve, nice to meet you.
- And this is my - I've got things set up in the canteen.
Are you OK with all the bags? Just a reminder to all customers, there is a special three for two offer on Valco household bleach.
Thank you.
- Hey, Sue, I've won.
- Have you? - How much? - A pound.
Great.
Where are you taking me? Blackpool? So when you shoot the actual advert, how many people are gonna be here? We're gonna shoot most of it in a studio.
We tried filming in the Wigan branch, but the footage wasn't usable.
Well, quite.
I'm sure my staff will do you proud.
Have you any idea who the celebrity might be? It's not Davro again, is it? Apparently, Louise Redknapp.
Stand on the X and give us a sound check.
- I'm not good at improvising.
- Great.
That's perfect.
- Good enough for the advert.
- You think? Only joking.
Could you send the others in, please? That's a nice dress.
Lovely detail on the veil.
Yeah, nice cut.
Train is a bit fussy.
Normally, off-white wedding dresses don't work for me, but that's beautiful.
Beautiful.
- I'll put the magazines away.
- Yeah.
Trinny and Susannah checking the latest trends? For your information, we were talking about the Falklands.
Guns and that.
- So how's it all going? - Mental.
So much to do, you know? Suits, flowers, napkin colour.
Didn't know they came in different colours.
- Nice.
- Went for purple.
- Hope they don't clash with your dress.
- Yeah, about that.
- Good morning, everyone.
- Morning, Gavin.
Yeah.
Good morning, Margaret.
Just to let you know, we've got someone in store holding auditions for the new advert.
- How much are they paying? - That is yet to be decided.
But you're all welcome to try out for it.
How exciting.
Television.
Yes.
The camera has been set up in the canteen, so feel free Are you listening? Camera is set up in the canteen.
So just feel free to have a pop as and when.
As and when.
Don't let me stop you.
Carry on.
- Bye, Gavin.
- Bye, Margaret.
Auditions, eh? I'd better go and get into character.
Which character, sweaty butcher? - What were you saying? - Yeah I wonder what they're advertising.
Is it food? You know what? It can wait.
Looks like I won't have time to be your best man after all, mate.
I'll be too busy on the old idiot box.
Best place for you.
Slow down, love.
Slow down.
I can't do it, Gavin.
What? The advert? It's not compulsory, Julie.
The job interview, Gavin.
I'm not bothered about being on national TV.
- I've got bigger issues here.
- Well, come along.
Interviews are nothing to be scared of.
Easy as falling off a log.
You don't know much this job means to me.
I do.
You've mentioned it on a few occasions.
What if I'm not cut out for it and it's all too much for me? Trust me, you have nothing to fear.
You're more experienced than the others.
You've got 20 years on some of them.
Well, I suppose it wouldn't be against the rules if I gave you the Gavin Strong tried and tested interview technique.
Gavin, you'd do that? For me? Just let me finish this blasted in-tray.
OK.
When you're ready, please.
Just stand on the X and say the line.
- Can't be arsed, mate.
- So why are you here? It gets me off the shop floor, doesn't it? Away from all the twats.
Only we've got more people to audition.
OK.
- I'll just stay out of your road.
- Ta.
OK, who's next? - We're not live, are we? - No.
And action.
I don't know what - Just say what's on the card, mate.
- Right.
Sorry.
Right.
- What's on the card, mate.
- Ha! - How's that? - I reckon you nailed it.
Ace.
Is that all we say? Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Bit of a tongue-twister, isn't it? Why are you bothered, anyway? Five words, Kieran.
Howard from the Halifax adverts.
Ten years ago, nobody knew him from Adam.
Now he lives on a private island.
Just him and a load of flamingos.
That sounds about right, mate.
What about you, Margaret? - Fancy being on the telly? - Oh, no, I'd hate to be a celebrity.
Can you imagine paparazzi in here? Shouting at me? Give us a wave, Margaret.
Over here, Margaret.
Oh, no thank you, Jose.
Now, it's all about staying calm under pressure.
So just try it again.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and control.
My therapist used to say if you get nervous you should imagine everyone covered in dust.
Did sod all, though.
Just made me want to vacuum.
I can imagine.
If I was asked to imagine dust, I'm not sure where I'd begin.
I'm sorry.
You don't want to know everything about my life, my therapy.
None of my business, really.
Let's get back on with this.
I went off the rails a bit when I split up with the bastard.
Don't worry, I didn't kill anyone.
(nervous laugh) Oh, I hate red wine, I do.
I had two bottles of it at this barbeque last week.
Made me shit look like liquorice.
- Eh oop.
- Alright? What's the latest? Well, that guy had his flies down and the guy before that stunk of beans.
- So it's been an eventful morning.
- Nice.
I've got an hour after work.
Fancy a drink? Yeah, maybe.
There's something that I wanted to say earlier.
- You got a date with the beans fella? - No.
Erm It's your wedding.
What? - I'm not coming.
- What? - Why not? - Booked my flight to Thailand.
- I'm out of this dump.
- You're kidding.
You knew I was going away.
A last minute deal came up.
I couldn't turn it down.
- You couldn't turn it down? - No.
- You can turn my wedding down? - Don't be like that.
Can't believe it.
Who will I have a laugh with if you're away? I don't know, maybe your wife? Thanks a lot, mate.
Morning.
Let's just A practice interview question.
What do you consider to be your weaknesses? Right.
Well, erm, I suppose I can be quite firm sometimes.
And I can't stand scroungers.
Get away from me with your cap in hand.
Get a job.
Oh, God.
Who am I kidding? I'm not ready for this.
I'll tell you something I heard someone say recently.
Something about Julie Cook.
- Did they say she's an idiot? - No, they said, "That Julie Cook has really picked up the slack at the Warrington branch.
" "Fair play to her.
" And do you know who said that? Brian Francis.
- Regional manager Brian Francis? - The very same.
He believes in you.
And I believe in you.
- You know who doesn't believe in you? - Stella Ainsworth.
- Well, she's a bitch.
- No, you, Julie.
You need to believe in you.
I guess I do.
So you think I'm ready for the interview? Now come on, just give it to them.
OK.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Remove item before continuing.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Remove item before continuing.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
There you are.
Why didn't you get me for lunch? No point asking.
You'd only have cancelled.
Oh, that's mature.
Can't believe you'll miss my wedding.
I have to think about what's important for me.
I can't put my plans off any longer.
I don't want to be here next year scanning tins.
Katie, you're my best mate.
- Yeah, I know.
- We'll still have a laugh.
- It'll be different.
- Different how? It just will.
Come on, Spielberg.
Five minutes in the warehouse.
They won't even know you've been away.
I've already got me knickers off.
So I give you the nod, then you're to go.
If I get this, there's no way I'm working here forever.
Nor me.
I'm moving to Malta.
Sod coming in here every day for 6.
50 an hour.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Thanks.
That's it.
Our Dave says if I get it he'll buy me a new pair of tits.
- You can bring 'em to Malta to show me.
- Deal.
So, Julie Cook.
Yes.
(nervous laugh) That's me.
I'm Duncan, recruitment exec at head office.
- Nice to meet you.
- This is Melanie, she's from HR.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- And obviously you know Gavin.
- Yes, hello.
Hello, Gavin.
Nice to meet you.
So we take it you know what the deputy manager role involves.
Yes, of course.
- I mean, I've been here long enough.
- (Melanie) I saw that.
Why didn't you go for the position when it came up first time around? Well, erm, I was away at the time.
- I took a sabbatical.
- OK.
It was an island, a camp.
(shudders) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and control.
So, can I ask you, Julie, what do you think are your greatest strengths? My greatest strengths? Oh Well erm I would say that I'm very committed to the company.
Very loyal.
A bit like a dog.
(pants) You're reduced.
And you're reduced.
- What are you doing? - Not much.
I can see that.
What's the cheapest thing you've got? - We've got - Hurry up.
.
.
these wonderful reduced pickled onions for ã1 .
99.
Give us a look.
Perfect.
That's my weekend sorted.
See you later.
Julie, what would you do, say, if you caught a pregnant woman shoplifting? I've no time for those sort of games.
Hand up the jumper straight away.
Pardon? Nine out of ten times it's not a baby, it's a frozen chicken.
You must come down hard on those types.
Even if they are pregnant, they still act as if they're the only people who can have kids.
(Melanie) I see.
What about the future? Where do you see yourself in ten years' time? I don't know.
Erm, maybe you should ask Gavin.
I mean, in terms of promotions and things like that.
Not having kids with.
Deputy manager.
I'd like to be deputy manager.
I work well as an individual and as a team.
OK.
Well, thank you very much.
- Yes, thank you, Julie.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Are you quite sure she's the ideal fit for the job, Gavin? She doesn't interview well, but she knows the job like the back of hand.
If you say so.
Can I say, I think it would send out a positive message if we were to promote from within.
She was supposed to do the counting thing silently.
- Have you got a loyalty card? - Sorry, no.
That's 75.
55 altogether, please.
- What? - 75.
55.
Jesus wept.
- Put that back, please? - Sure.
And that.
Actually, stick the lot back for me.
Great value? You're having a fucking laugh.
My life, no.
My life is a disaster zone cos I spend my days chasing guys like you around the block.
That's my life.
Pacino.
Have you seen Heat? No, I don't really like modern films.
I prefer slapstick.
He's amazing.
A lot of people say Robert De Niro is the best actor, but that's a very cliched choice.
It's got to be Al Pacino.
I think you're a bit like that actor John, er, what's his face? - John Gielgud? - Inman.
You stupid, stupid idiot.
Don't like pregnant women? - ( Gavin) Julie.
- Oh! Don't come in, Gavin.
I'm covered in mascara.
- I'm just checking you're OK.
- I'm not OK.
I looked like a right lemon there.
God only knows what they must think of me.
And now here I am, blubbing like I'm on Surprise, Surprise.
You got the job.
I've a good mind to pack everything up and run off to the Cairngorms.
Julie, Julie.
You've got the job.
- I've got the job? - They said you were perfect.
Did they really? Well, they said you defied expectations.
My God.
Thank you so much, Gavin.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well done, Julie.
Bravo.
It must have been the way you made me breathe.
No, no, you did it all by yourself.
Well done.
And there's been some good news for yours truly as well.
Fantastic.
What is it? Well, since old Craig Falcon got the heave-ho at head office, they're looking for a new area manager.
About bloody time.
They think I might be the ideal candidate to fill his shoes.
Amazing.
Wait.
But that means I'll be an area manager.
I know.
Area manager? But you can't.
You can't leave.
This is your Valco.
You made this store what it is.
We all have to move on at some point.
Now that you're deputy manager, I have every faith that the good work here will now continue.
But I wanted to be your deputy manager.
I'm sure I'll be popping in often enough to check up on you, Julie.
(sobs) I know.
I almost feel like shedding a tear myself.
Don't need it, kid.
- How are we looking? - Great.
When you're ready.
Position right? I act better with the right side of my face.
- It's great.
- OK.
Do you need a sound check? One, two, testicles, testicles.
One, two.
- Mate, just go for it.
- OK, great.
(clears throat) (exhales) Thank you for coming to Valco.
That's the wrong line? - That's great.
- I want to make sure I nail it.
What's the line again, fella? - Thank you for shopping at Valco.
- OK, yeah.
Got it, got it.
OK.
Lights, camera, action.
Andy Richmond's the name.
Butchery is my trade.
I live to serve you.
You, the customer.
Thank you.
Thank you for shopping .
.
at Valco.
Can't teach that shit.
See you, buddy.
Good luck, boys.
Slight worry I have is I may have had too much presence.
I'm more of a film actor.
I'm not sure TV can contain me.
I saw a 40-inch screen in Dixons, Andy.
Would you fit into that? With his fat head? I doubt it.
( Gavin) Come and join us.
Er, Wagi, Tom, come in a second.
Baker boys.
Fabulous baker boys, come and join us.
Can I have your attention for two shakes of a lamb's tail? The Bafta goes to - I have an announcement to make.
- Who's gonna be in the advert? We won't know that for a while yet.
This is far more important than that.
I'm pleased to say that Julie has been promoted and she is now deputy manager.
(Margaret) Good old Julie.
Would you like to say a few words there for us, Julie? Thank you, erm, very much.
- Sorry.
- ( Gavin) It's been an emotional day.
Well done, Julie.
Come on, everyone.
For she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow Yes, absolutely, carry on.
They're still shopping, so we're not stopping.
- Come on.
Pull yourself together.
- Oh, Gavin.
There's customers on the floor.
Katie.
Mental, eh? - I knew she wanted the job, but Jesus.
- Yeah.
I know.
- Not gonna change your mind, are you? - It's booked.
I can't.
- What if I change the date? - You can't, Kieran.
- It's not a dentist appointment.
- I'm sure Emma will let me.
Alright, she won't let me, but Why are you so bothered about me being there anyway? I dunno.
I just I am I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? It's nothing to do with me.
I don't know.
I'm rubbish at making decisions.
I just don't know what to do any more.
Let me have another crack at this speech.
- Not now, Andy.
- It was Martin Luther King's.
- But I've changed the words - Just fuck off, Andy, yeah? You know what? Stick your wedding up your arse.
- What am I meant to do? - It's simple, Kieran.
You've just got to ask yourself are you in love? You're right.
You really are rubbish at making decisions.
- (girls) Night.
- Bye.
Valco's got it all.
Freshly picked oranges and lots more.
Steaks and mince! Mmm, yes please.
Ready-made pasta meals, perfect.
And sparkling wine, just what the doctor ordered.
Hen's eggs only ã2.
Valco serves you right.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.