Tuca & Bertie (2019) s01e08 Episode Script

1 [theme song plays.]
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie Tuca  - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[theme song ends.]
[mellow jazz music playing.]
[turtle screams.]
Oh! [gasps.]
[laughs.]
[man.]
Don't forget your shit! Whoa! Mama, don't worry! I know I'm just a country canary who moved to the big city with nothing but a suitcase full of socks, a head full of dreams, -and a second suitcase also full of socks.
-[snickers.]
But I'm sure there are plenty of kind folks who will help me find my way! -Oh! -Move, you piss-colored blob! -Pardon me.
-Watch it, newb! -Whoa.
-Boo! Oh, dear! -Also hi.
-[gasps.]
Oh, my! Oh, Daddy, relax! Sure, a stranger just spit in my mouth, but it was charming in a metropolitan way.
[gasps.]
Oh, my! Wow! Daddy, I'm gonna have to call you back.
-[door opens.]
-Welcome to Pastry Pete's.
Can I help you? Oh, my gosh, thank you! I actually think you can! Great.
You want a muffin or My name's Dakota with a Y! It's silent and invisible.
I'm Bertie.
No Ys.
Bertie! I couldn't help but notice your gorgeous pastry-making technique.
Well, thanks.
It must have taken forever to master it.
You must spend every waking moment here.
Oh, I also have a full-time office job.
Wow, a hardcore career woman with a baking passion on the side? You're like a character from a romantic comedy! I call them "rom-coms," but that's just me! So, you probably don't need a coffee with that muffin.
[laughs uncomfortably.]
Oh, gosh! Sorry! I just graduated from a small-town culinary school, and meeting you, I just figure maybe I could work here, too! Well, it's not that easy.
Did you say you graduated from culinary school? Would you like to be an apprentice? -Really? -Really? [clears throat.]
  Chef, are you sure? Yes, when I make a decision, I stick with it, which is why I still listen to ska.
-New bird, you're hired.
-[laughs.]
-Thank you, both of you! [laughs.]
-[groans.]
[ska music playing.]
-Hey! -[crowd cheering.]
Whoo! [dance music playing.]
Whoo, yeah! [whooping.]
Dude, that's the same chick that's been partying here every night for the past two months.
I still haven't seen her drink or nothing.
She must be high on life.
That little dudette, however, is high on shrooms.
These are really good! I gotta put these on the fridge.
Hope you enjoyed that Rhino Town classic.
But now, an uncharacteristic moment of silence for DJ Parkour [music stops.]
who, ironically, died not climbing anything.
Wait, does this have penicillin in it? -[bell tolls[ -Ugh! Hmm [clears throat.]
Seriously, Tuca? Another night partying? You're so irresponsible.
Get it together! Chop-chop! Next song, ladies! [crowd groans.]
It's what DJ Parkour would have wanted? Whoa, that's true.
He hated silence as much as he loved parkour.
-Let's keep this jam going, girls! -[dance music resumes.]
On a loop! Loop it so I can scoop it! I just made that up.
I'm a trendsetter.
Yo, party people, as requested, we're gonna loop this song till the break-a-break of dawn! Whoo! Yeah! Best friend, best friend Party with your best friend Best friend, best friend Nothing without your best friend Best friend, best friend Best friends with your best friend And when this song ends [screams.]
Let's loop it and scoop it! Best friend Party with your best friend No, no, no, no, no, no! She must not have a best friend.
Or she had one, and they had a sad but inevitable blow-up.
You're so intuitive.
No! And this new bird waltzes in with no experience whatsoever, and, boom, Pastry Pete offers her an apprenticeship! Can you believe that? Hmm, but isn't that how you got hired? Exactly! Thank you! -Wait, what? -Maybe you could give this woman a chance.
Ever since you and Tuca stopped talking, you haven't had the best luck meeting new friends.
-[woman.]
Of course you'd do that.
-What is that supposed to mean? It means I'm sick of you undermining me.
Well, maybe I undermine you to protect myself from getting hurt.
-When have I ever hurt you? -Never! That's what scares me! -Don't be! I love you! -Let's make a baby! [woman grunts.]
-[woman moaning.]
-Oh, no! Game over.
That was so fun.
We should do it again sometime.
Mm-hmm, an IPA with an aggressively masculine label.
[rock music playing.]
Uh, no, thank you.
The old me would have partaken.
You may have noticed how I take very short breaths.
[inhaling.]
The air itself contains toxins which cloud us from our true selves.
[exhales.]
Oh, no! Game over.
That was so much fun.
We should do it again sometime.
[wind blowing.]
-Maybe I'm too judgmental? -To be fair, couple dates are the worst.
But without them, the board game industry would immediately go under.
I just wanted to form some mature, adult friendships.
But I just don't really like anybody.
Oh, no! Game over.
That was so much fun.
We should do it again sometime.
[squawking.]
You know, just 'cause I lost a friend doesn't mean I have to find a new one.
It's actually been nice not having any distractions.
I get all my errands done, I'm focused at work, or at least I was until that dorky Dakota showed up.
Hmm.
No, you're making that face you make when you think I'm being a dick.
-Or when you ate too much.
-It might feel empowering to mentor her.
Maybe she could use the guidance of a cool bird lady like you.
Ugh! You're right.
Fine.
Aww, poor Bertie.
Invite her out tomorrow.
Aw, okay.
[both scream.]
Hmm.
Thanks for having me over in the dead of night.
I didn't wanna be alone.
Ow! -Good one! -[Jaggy growling.]
What up, Jaguar? Jaggy! JJ! J-money! -JG! -[snarls.]
I'm so glad I came over to visit Jaggy, or else I would've never known you're a world-famous dermatologist.
[screaming.]
[roars.]
Oh, come on, Jaggy.
You know you love it.
It's strangely satisfying.
It's like bubble wrap but made out of skin.
[growls.]
[chuckles.]
[gasps.]
[grunts.]
Draca, I see you're a woman of few words, which I admire, but whenever I'm quiet, I hear my estranged friend say mean things, so I'm gonna keep talking if that's cool with you.
I may throw in some random sounds I've been workshopping like uh, wa-boobily koo! And wiki wagga wagga yaay.
That last one needs some work, but-- Shh! You're hanging out with Draca now? Um, needy much? -[groans.]
-I swear, Tuca.
Hey, what the fuck? Wow! Uh-huh [gasps.]
It looks just like Bertie.
Can I keep it? Wow.
I feel so much better now.
Look, I have three boobs.
[giggling.]
Mm-hmm.
Go here.
[Tuca.]
That's dope.
Not as dope, but very helpful.
[sighs.]
Just set a good example, give some bullshit advice, and have one cup of coffee, and you're out.
Boom, boom! Here's your extra, extra small espresso to-go.
Ah.
Bertie! Thank you so much for meeting me before work.
I have so much I wanna ask you.
Let's see.
Where to start? Well, my first question is more of a long story about myself.
-I was born on a Wednesday-- -Sorry to cut you off, but there's not much I can say that [gasps.]
Explain! Oh, these? It's just I was so nervous to sit down with you.
I wear them to help with my anxiety.
That's so funny.
These are my panic attack shoes.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God! Look at us with our shoe-based coping mechanisms! They're like security blankets for our feet! -[squeals.]
You're great! -[giggles.]
[Bertie giggling.]
[animals chittering, growling.]
[distorted audio.]
I think we're here.
Good luck with your banana ride-share business.
Thanks, it'll probably take a while before it catches on, but, uh [whistling.]
Agh, back to the grind.
Damn, that dude loves bananas.
Wow! [low resonating.]
[squeaks.]
I am the shape of my hand.
Wow, this looks so peaceful, and reflective, and boring as shit.
[grunting.]
Whoo! -Oh, hey! -Whoa, Dirk? -What are you doing here, you scrape? -Damn, looking good, sugar teats [clears throat.]
is what the old me would have said.
And possibly followed it up with a "boioioioing"! -What'd you say? -[clears throat.]
[clears throat.]
But that is no longer who I am.
I've changed.
[burps.]
[inhaling.]
Oh, hey.
HR Lady! You can call me Helen.
Helen Regina Lady.
-Or HR for short.
-Okay! Welcome to the Congregation of Chill.
What brings you here today? Energy healing? Aroma therapy? Astral projection? My ass is what? Girl, you crazy.
Draca sent me.
I've been dealing with some negative juju lately.
But then, Draca extracted it.
And I wanted to keep feeling good, so I figured I'd check this out.
Of course, Draca only sends those who truly seek enlightenment.
Ooh, fun! Are we gonna sit around and tell scary stories? -I got a good one.
-[shushes.]
We sit in silence in hopes of hearing answers, 'kay? Um, okay.
[chuckles.]
Hey! -[sighs.]
-[rock music playing.]
[screams.]
[gasps.]
-What? -[shrieks.]
-You're back? And meaner but cooler? -Well, well, well.
Can't handle the real world, so you run away to these losers.
-Is that a candy cigarette? -You'll never know.
Leave me alone.
[yelps.]
[shushing.]
-Girl, chill! -Uh Uh, why don't we switch things up and make this place a loud space? [screams.]
[dance music playing.]
You know, uh, get back to our primal roots and explore the entire spectrum of emotion.
Damn, that's good.
Hmm [screams.]
Holy shit! I needed that.
As a man, it's so nice to finally have my voice heard, you know? Kree, koo, koo! Kree, koo, koo! [laughs.]
Oh! That tickles the soul, doesn't it? Yeah! Let's make this the Congregation of Noise! C-O-N.
CON! -We're all in one big con! -[all cheering.]
Or we can call it "Congregation Under Loud Things.
" C-U-L-T.
CULT! -Ooh.
-Ooh, I don't know about that one.
Or CON.
Yeah, CON is good.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
[laughs.]
I can't believe you've been to the Nests of Netherfield theme park! -I've had all 22 birthdays there! -Okay.
Favorite place to hide during a thunderstorm, on the count of three.
One, two, three, go! [both.]
Inside my hamper 'cause there's always candy in a pocket somewhere! -[gasps.]
What? -This is crazy! [both giggling.]
-[whimsicaly music plays.]
- Best friend, best friend Party with your best friend Oh, yeah Best friend, best friend Best friends with your best friend Oh, yeah [both whistling.]
And when this song ends More time with your best friend [song ends.]
-Hmm? -Oh, boy! Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Chef! -You don't have to call me "Chef.
" -[whistles.]
Just call me "Bertie.
" Or maybe a new nickname.
Oh, yeah! Like Big B to the T! Uh, here, let me show you how to frost.
Try holding it like this.
And you might find there's an even better way the more you practice.
Oh, I don't wanna mess up, you know? If you make a mistake, no big deal.
I'll take the hit if I have to.
[sighs.]
Let me show you how to do the chouquettes.
I keep thinking it'd be fun to cut this thin and stringy like spaghetti, drizzle on some chocolate and powder, and call them "chouquettis.
" But that's crazy! Yeah.
-[grunts, pants.]
-Wait.
Bertie, that's such a good idea.
What if we made them your way? Now? During actual business hours? Well, Pastry Pete did leave you in charge for the day.
Hmm.
-Piping bag.
-Coming right up.
[grunts.]
-Glaze? -To your right.
-Dance break? -On its way.
[dance music playing.]
Now let's loop it and scoop it! [oven dings.]
Eep! Ooh! Yummy! [man.]
Whoo! -Hey, what are you guys in line for? -Sneakers? Ice cream? I don't know.
Sneakers.
It's probably sneakers.
Oh! [crowd cheering.]
I'm, uh, sorry, ladies, but we've been receiving a lot of complaints today.
Oh, no! Yeah, we've been getting reports that the pastries here are, uh too delicious! -[laughs.]
I'll take a dozen! -[all laugh.]
That will be $16.
[crowd gasps.]
[chuckles.]
Uh, just kidding.
Thank you for your service.
[crunches.]
Mm-mm-mm! Bertie, thank you for your mentorship.
You've made me feel so welcome.
And, gosh, I hope I become half the woman you are.
[chuckles.]
-Oh.
I'm not so great.
-[door opens.]
Fear not, ladies.
Your chef has finally returned.
-[both.]
Hi, Chef.
-What the hell are these? Uh Ugh.
Not bad.
Above average.
Pretty good.
Delicious! I love it! I-- I can't live without it! Put them on the menu.
We'll call them, uh, "Pastry Pete's Family Specialty.
" [both laughing.]
[groans.]
-[crowd cheering.]
-[dance music playing.]
I just wanna say y'all are doing great! I love the energy.
Always remember, silence is the enemy! And what else, Screechiest One? What else should we reject? Um, money! Yeah! Money is the enemy! Already done! Funds are low! Vegetables are the enemy! Bleh! [grunts.]
Being an adult is the enemy! Being responsible is the enemy! Work is the enemy! -Did she say "work" or "Dirk"? -I heard "Dirk.
" -Should we double-check? -It's too noisy.
[crows.]
[squeaks.]
-[crowd chants.]
Dirk is the enemy! -What's happening? -She said "work"! Work is the enemy! -[chanting continues.]
Dirk is very good! Chill, guys, chill! -Put Dirk down! I said "work"! -[all.]
Dirk is the enemy! -Oh, no, I really Tuca'd this up.
-[chanting continues.]
[squawks.]
I can't think in here! -[man screaming.]
-I need peace and quiet! [Dakota giggling.]
Oh! [chuckles.]
I'm trying to perfect the process of making a roux from bananas.
You know, it's not done by temperature or by time, but by smell and appearance.
It's almost ready.
This is so cool.
Thanks for taking the time to teach me, Chef.
You really need to get in there to see the color change.
-If it gets too dark, it's over.
-[chuckles.]
-Uh, wait.
-This is the most important part.
Look! -[chuckles.]
-[Dakota chuckles.]
-Stay in there.
Really breathe it in.
-[Dakota.]
Oh, no.
[grunts.]
What the fuck? Don't touch me, you weirdo! You're overreacting.
Relax.
No, I'm not, you creep! [Bertie gasps.]
-[grumbles.]
-[door opens and closes.]
Some people can't handle the rigors of this job.
[scoffs.]
Hey, are-- are you okay? Can you believe he just grabbed me like that? Um Has he ever done anything like that before? No.
I mean, sort of.
-Wait, did he grab you, too? -You don't understand.
It's just part of the job and how he teaches.
He's very passionate.
Why are you defending him? I'm not trying to I don't know.
And you didn't warn me? You know what he did was wrong, right? [sighs.]
I looked up to you.
[sighs.]
[groans.]
[alarm chirps.]
[engine starts.]
[people clamoring and screaming.]
[sighs.]
[owl hooting.]
Whoa! Draca! What are you doing here? I messed up! Shh.
Come.
Lie in the water.
Is it heated? Ugh.
Okay.
[sighs.]
Okay, this is kind of nice.
Whoa! It's getting weird in here.
[echoing.]
[laughing.]
You're avoiding me.
[echoing.]
No, no, no Why do you keep running away from me? Afraid to hear the hard truths about yourself? Like how you can't keep a job? How you've been mooching off your auntie for years? And you'll never amount to anything? Stop talking! You're incapable of forming intimate relationships and you'll end up alone! [sighs.]
You're right.
I am? I've been afraid to listen to you and accept that I'm all of those things.
That's okay.
You are who you are, and that's exactly who you should be.
-Yeah? -Yes! You're courageous, free-spirited, fully present.
You do so many things I can't.
That's why we make a good team.
Thank you.
Bertie just wants me to be my best self! I need to get her back! I'm coming to find you, Bertie! I might have peed in there.
And guess what.
I'm sorry! You guys, I feel like if we all take a deep breath and pause for a moment, we'd all realize -[shouting.]
that this is deeply un-chill! -[crowd clamoring.]
Someone get me down from here! My freaking beak itches! See you on the other side, my love! [Tuca grunts.]
[panting.]
Everybody, fuck off! [grunts.]
[both grunting.]
[screams.]
[roars.]
[grunts.]
-[whistling.]
What a lovely day.
-[woman screaming.]
[exclaims.]
But why? Tuca, I think we're all done with the violence! Need a hand up here.
-Just a few more! -[grunting.]
-[squawks.]
-[bleats.]
Thanks, sugar teats.
[laughs.]
[grunts.]
-[crowd chanting.]
C-O-N, burn the Dirk! -[grunting.]
This is bananas.
Oh, bananas! [horn blares.]
[grunts.]
Please get this idiot home safe! -Huh? -Repeat customers get five percent off.
Get on! Yes! Finally! Yo-- Oh! [sighs.]
Four stars.
Hi.
Hey.
-Where are you going? -I don't know.
Can I come with you? Yeah.
[laughs.]
-[mouse clicks.]
-[popping.]
[snarls.]
[roars.]
[barking, chittering.]
[man.]
Boxer versus raptor, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!