Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e08 Episode Script

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
Hello, and welcome to
Was It Something I Said?,
the panel show all about quotations
from the great and the good,
as well as the poor and the bad.
For instance, Oscar Wilde once said,
"Most people are other people.
"Their thoughts are someone else's
opinions, their lives a mimicry,
"their passions a quotation."
I couldn't have put it
better myself!
Which rather proves his point.
On Micky Flanagan's team
is comedian and actor Jim Moir,
AKA Vic Reeves.
And with Richard Ayoade is comedian
and comedian Josh Widdicombe.
And here to read out our quotations
is a journalist and broadcaster
who once said, "The better the wine,
the easier it is to get out of bed."
Yeah, I used to be like that.
Now I just keep
it on the bedside table.
This is the first time I've been
dressed for a week.
Please welcome Kirsty Wark!
So our first round is called
Threesomes.
Round three, of course,
is called Onesomes.
And round two is called Jessica.
All our panellists have to do is
match a series of quotations
to one of three celebrities.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter to unlock extra content.
The theme of this week's
threesome is money.
Can we have the first quotation,
please, Kirsty?
There is nothing wrong with being
the best at your job. Go for it.
And it's really easy to become rich.
You should be taught how at school.
Can you be taught to be
rich at school?
Just have a class where they say,
"Just be condescending
"and slightly rude to everybody"?
Do they go on to say how
they would teach it?
I don't think they do.
So they know but they're not telling.
I'm going to narrow down your
options for this quotation.
Was it property tycoon Donald Trump,
magic man Paul Daniels
or business magnate
and film-producing aviator
Howard Hughes?
I should perhaps clarify -
when I say "magic man Paul Daniels,"
he is not and has never claimed
to be actually magic.
What's happened to his finger?
He chopped it off
in a fabulous magic act.
He was making a prop
and he chopped it off with a saw.
He says that he was doing a magic
act, and he chopped it off.
I'm not so sure. I think
he was showing off with a blender.
What?
"I like to put a bit of my own
finger in it!"
"Watch how far
I can push the kiwi fruit in!"
Which of these three has
been bankrupt?
- Oh, I think that's Trump.
- Trump's been bankrupt.
He's never been personally bankrupt
but he's been corporately
bankrupt four times.
JOSH: That hair
has filed for bankruptcy twice.
His hair is insolvent!
To have that much money
and still have a terrible haircut.
To think,
"I'm a multimillionaire but I walk
about with this on my nut."
Does he think,
"I've got no hair, I'm bald,
"but I've got a lot on my neck
"so I'm just going to brush
it forward,
"or get a dog to stand behind me
"with its tail"
It looks like he's going,
"Pull my finger!"
"Pull my finger
and I'll do my surname."
"Trump by name, trump by nature!"
So, what are your thoughts
on this quote?
Who thinks you should go to school
to learn how to be rich?
- Donald Trump, Paul Daniels or Howard
Hughes? - Is he still alive, Hughes?
- No! - He's very much NOT alive.
I read he used to arrange his peas
in size order before he'd eat them.
Yeah, that's true.
Why is that odd?
Didn't he used to put tissues out to
walk to the bathroom
so that he didn't?
He used to have two Kleenex
boxes on his feet, didn't he?
He was certainly getting through up
to a dozen packets of tissues a day.
He was very OCD.
You know, putting peas in order,
keeping his wee in jars.
You've yet to say
something weird to me.
Here's one.
Honestly, do you do this?
He used to select from his poos
and keep the ones that he
considered worthy.
Yeah.
I have left one in the toilet to
show the wife later on
Who do we reckon thinks you should
go to school to learn how to
be rich? Donald Trump, Paul Daniels
or Howard Hughes?
- What do you think? - I think
they all could have said it
but we're erring towards
- I think it's the central
- The little fella.
- You think it's him?! - Yeah.
- AS PAUL DANIELS: "Oh! Ha-ha ho!"
- "Ho!"
"Ha-ha ho!"
Stop doing impressions of gibbons.
"Oh ho ho!"
We also think it's Eric Morecambe.
You're going Paul Daniels?
We're going to go Paul Daniels.
That's the sort of thing he'd say.
- Can we go Daniels as well? - Yeah.
The answer isPaul Daniels!
Do you know what else Paul Daniels
thinks
- should be on the school
curriculum? - Magic. - He says
AUDIENCE GROANS
It doesn't even start at 21,
does it?
Certainly not for me.
Poor woman,
what she has to put up with.
Imagine him
climbing up on top of you
With his missing finger.
AS PAUL DANIELS: "Oh ho ho!"
I wonder if glitter comes out
when he comes.
OK. Kirsty, can we have our next
quotation on the subject
of money, please?
Money was never a big
motivation for me except as a way
to keep score.
If keeping score, by the way,
Hughes would be in the lead,
then Trump then Daniels.
Hughes had the most money?
Hughes was the second richest
man in the world when he died.
How did he do that?
Did he sort of sign on and work?
Well, the first thing
he did is that he inherited
- his father's fortune.
- Whoo. - That will have helped.
His father patented
a rotary drill bit.
What Hughes' habit kept his
third wife awake?
- Prodding her. - No.
Sighing.
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
- I know what sighing is(!) - But if you
do it with enough conviction,
it can wake the other person up.
I sometimes do it.
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
..and my wife goes, "What's
the matter?" I go, "Don't matter."
Cos you know
when someone next to you is asleep
and you can't get to sleep
and you hate them,
don't you? You HATE them.
They're only asleep but you
hate them cos they can sleep.
- You think, "How did I end up with
you?" - What, you say that?
- I think that. - Yeah.
- And I go
- HE SIGHS DEEPLY
- She goes, "What? What?!"
I go, "Nothing." - What does the other
bloke do?
It's not that.
No, for over a decade,
Hughes refused to cut his toenails
and they kept clicking together
LOUD GROANS
..to the extent that his aircraft
engineers built him
a special set of callipers to
hold his toes apart.
MICKY: Oh, nice(!)
What did he do for footwear?
Just go winkle-pickers?
Or Turkish slippers with the curl
So, are we getting any closer
to knowing which of the three
of them said this?
- I think it's Donald Trump.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
I think Howard Hughes was
so rich to start with,
I don't really think that he would
have bothered that much
about keeping score, whereas Donald
Trump seems to be solely focused
on just money.
- You think Donald Trump? - Yeah.
- What do you think?
It sounds kind of bravado-style
Trump, doesn't it?
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Money was never a
big motivation for me!"
Is that what he sounds like?!
AMERICAN ACCENT: "Money was never
a big motivation for me.
"It was a way to keep score."
- Yeah. - Somewhere in between. - Yeah.
- I think Trump.
- You both think Trump? - Yeah.
The answer isDonald Trump!
You're all right.
Do you know what Trump's
fragrance is called?
Trumped.
Is it called Central Parp?
No, it's not called Central Parp.
You see, there's a park
in New York called Central Park
and there is also a word for
"farts"
- On this occasion I'm with you.
- And what I did was
I took those two elements,
which individually aren't amusing,
although "parp" gets a ripple,
and I built a pun
with those two elements,
and everyone just had one
of the best laughs they've ever had.
Well, that's a great little
clip for the documentary.
- We'll all be interviewed. It'll be
like Del Boy falling through
the bar. - It'll be your moment.
I hope this isn't my moment.
And yet I fear it may be.
It is.
It's called Success,
the smell of Trump.
Kirsty, you once gave an award to
a Scottish farmer who'd caused Trump
- a lot of trouble. - Yeah.
He got Scot of the Year
cos he caused him
a hell of a trouble,
cos he wouldn't
sell his farm to him.
So Trump wanted to buy
this guy's farm?
He wanted to expand his holding,
which was the whole of the northeast
of Scotland. Trump owns everything.
He didn't want there to be
a wind farm built near him
because of his hair,
because he felt, if there was
a wind farm in the area,
he might get tangled up
and mashed up in the giant turbines.
The way he treated this farmer,
Michael Forbes,
sounds terrible. He subjected him to
a vicious international public
relations campaign
and said of him, "He lives like a
pig and is a disgrace to Scotland."
I was thinking of getting some
Success for Christmas
but I don't want it now,
if that's what it does to you.
Stick with Slazenger Sport.
It is nice.
So at the end of our Threesomes
round, I can tell you
that the teams are tied.
APPLAUSE
Over the break, see
if you can complete this quotation
from Arnold Schwarzenegger
from a radio talk show in 2003,
the year he became
Governor of California.
..what? You can tweet your answer
to @somethingIsaid,
and we'll see
you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
We asked you to
complete this quotation
from Arnold Schwarzenegger
What?
Is it terminated?
LAUGHTER
No, but it would be better
if it was.
I ought to go into greetings cards.
LAUGHTER
Do you think that that would be
a good greetings card?
"I think gay marriage is something
that should be terminated."
A greetings card
among homophobic people.
On what occasion
would you give that?
Two people of the same sex
get married,
they both love Terminator,
and you don't know what card
could adequately sum up
your disdain for their union.
LAUGHTER
Then this card would be almost
completely apposite.
"I think gay marriage is something
that should be more butch."
LAUGHTER
As long as they don't
consummate it or something.
"They don't put
the tinky in the bot bot."
LAUGHTER
No!
Is it, "I think it should be allowed
as long as it is a gay man
and a gay woman"?
I'll give you the point because
you were quite close. Can we have
the full quote, Kirsty?
I think that gay marriage
is something should be between
a man and a woman.
I wasn't serious!
Well, it's a very stupid
thing to say.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
once said of his fortune,
"Money doesn't make you happy.
"I now have $50 million,
but I was just as happy
"when I had $48 million."
I love a politician with
the common touch(!)
LAUGHTER
The next round is called Keywords.
We give our panellists a couple of
words from a well-known quotation
which they should know
and they have to try
and work out the whole thing.
I'll give the points to whoever
is closest to getting it
completely right.
Here is a famous quotation
from Prime Minister
Neville Chamberlain in 1938.
Kirsty, can we have the
first two keywords, please?
They are "history" and "time".
He's just got off the plane
and he goes,
"I have in my hand
a letter from Hitler.
"This time it's his story.
"And this time he says it's
"true."
He's looking very suspiciously
at the piece of paper,
as well he fucking might.
Is he saying, "In time, history
will show this sort of littering
"will not be accepted"?
Why is he doing a Dalek impression?
LAUGHTER
They all spoke like Daleks
back then.
DALEK STYLE:
"I have in my hand a letter"
LAUGHTER
DALEK STYLE:
"I've been to see Mr Hitler.
"Hitler! Hitler!"
"He will destroy you!"
LAUGHTER
Can we have the third keyword,
please?
The next word in the lexicon
is "honour."
I think it's more or less,
"For the second time
"in our history" or "history,
in this nation's history,
"we have come away from Germany
"with honour
"and Hitler's absolutely promised
"and he didn't cross his fingers.
"He'll definitely never do
anything naughty
"and, yes, he's not keen on certain
sections of the community"
LAUGHTER
"Let's just let that slide.
"We have our views.
"All I know is we're in the clear
"and it's going to be
cool as a melon"
I'll go to this team
for their answer.
"History will prove that in our time
"Germany honoured the agreement
I have here.
"Never again in history
will there be a war between
"Germany and England"
Kirsty, what's the actual quotation?
That, as we now know, was horseshit.
LAUGHTER
Richard started exactly right.
"For the second time in our history,
"a British prime minister"
but Chamberlain made no reference to
Hitler's planned genocide
- in his announcement of peace.
- I did know that. I just thought
I've been on the show
for a while and I should try a joke.
LAUGHTER
Chamberlain said this on his return
from the Munich conference in 1938
with a signed agreement from Hitler
which stated
"the desire of our two peoples
"never to go to war
with one another again."
What did Hitler say about
this agreement?
- "Hooray!" - "Cor blimey."
- "Can't believe he fell for it."
Basically, yes.
Foreign Minister Ribbentrop
was castigating Hitler
for having signed this agreement
and Hitler said,
"Don't take it so seriously,
that piece of paper
"is of no further
significance whatever."
The more I hear about Hitler,
the less I like him.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now it's time to play a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You will hear a quote that has been
taken out of context
and I want to know what that
person is talking about.
Although in the case of Boris
Johnson, an acceptable answer is,
"He doesn't know himself."
Here is a quotation from former
football manager, Alex Ferguson,
talking to the Glasgow City
Marketing Bureau in 2009.
Can we hear it, please, Kirsty?
"The dangerous ones had names -
"the King, the Queen, the Suicide,
the Diamond, the Spiky."
Is it Revels?
LAUGHTER
Is it guffs?
Changing-room guffs.
I think they'd be good names.
I've had a few I'd refer to
as spiky.
- "That's a spiky one!"
- You don't want to get the King.
The King is the worst.
The Queen is soft
and somehow satisfying.
The Suicide
The Suicide is when it is contained
within the area of the person
who did it.
What do you reckon
he was talking about?
These sound like tackles
or something in football,
like free kicks
or dives or something like
Was it his relatives?
LAUGHTER
The Suicide!
"Here he comes, the Suicide!
"With a razorblade again!"
You're nowhere near. I'm going to
ask Kirsty for the full quote.
"It was a great upbringing.
We'd be out jumping dykes.
"The dangerous ones had names -
"the King, the Queen, the Suicide,
the Diamond, the Spiky.
"You'd go to different areas of
Govan to challenge each other
"to jumping dykes
because it was very dangerous."
As I would have thought
was obvious,
he was talking about dyke jumping.
Is that what all children
in Scotland do for fun, Kirsty?
There's lots of dykes around.
The main dykes are dry stane dykes.
Dry?
- A dry stane dyke. - And what's that?
A dry stane dyke is a wall
that's put together
without any mortar.
It's dry stones put together
in a dyke.
Are there wet stane dykes?
No, only dry stane dykes.
So why specify dry?
LAUGHTER
The thing about being a dry stane
dyke is it's a thing of beauty.
That doesn't follow.
It's very difficult
to see a dry stane dyke
without thinking that someone
that put that dry stane dyke
together was a genius.
A dry stone wall,
I've just worked it out.
LAUGHTER
Kirsty, can we all come on
the Late Review next week?
Certainly not.
I bet we'd make more sense than some
of the people you have on your show.
They talk some bollocks
on your show.
LAUGHTER
Whereas this is just
sense, sense, sense(!)
LAUGHTER
Time now for our final round -
Was It Something I Said? -
in which each team has
to work out who said
the following quotations and
to narrow it down, it'll either
be from someone on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest,
Anne Robinson.
She's virtual because she's not
the real Anne Robinson,
much like most of Anne Robinson
nowadays.
So first up is Micky's team.
Who said the following -
was it Richard, Josh, Kirsty, me
or Anne Robinson?
So this is probably something that
Moss would have said,
being the Moss character.
He's an internet nerd.
Yes, when he was
interviewed about The IT Crowd,
this is the sort of thing
he would have said.
I can imagine in an interview
they went,
"Blah-blah-blah," and he went
And he would have said something
contrary just to confuse
the journalist.
This is brilliant work,
this is like a cop show is born.
- Who's nice and nasty, then?
- GRUFFLY: Me, I'm nasty.
- GRUFFLY: Yes, me too.
- Two nasty coppers.
Both not so nasty,
two schizophrenics.
I think we're going to go
with Richard on this one.
The answer's Richard.
Well, the answer is
Richard.
APPLAUSE
Are you behind the internet now
as a project?
- I'm not behind it, I didn't do it.
- Are you in favour of it?
Am I in favour of it?
It's a bit like a weather system,
I'm neither for it
or against it, I merely
exist in a world that contains it.
- I'm against it, myself.
- You're against it? - I am against it.
Well, you're losing.
So next up, it's Richard's team.
Who said the following -
was it Micky, Jim, Kirsty, me
or Anne Robinson?
..I've always had a thing
for intellectual women
slightly older than me.
I think it could be the kind of
really annoyingly twatty thing
Anne Robinson could say.
She is getting younger all the time.
She's like Benjamin Button, she's the
only person that's getting younger.
She's getting smaller.
I think that's
cos there's less skin.
It's stretched very tight which is
actually causing the muscle
to compress violently.
She's under incredible tension.
- Is that why she winks?
- That's spasming.
She's under incredible
muscular tension.
Well, I know that the insurance
on the Weakest Link has gone up
because there is a worry
that if she snaps,
parts of her could
come off at tremendous speeds.
There is literally a risk that
one of her eyeballs could go
- straight through someone's head. - I'm
inclined to think it's Anne Robinson.
Well, the answer is
Micky Flanagan.
- So - Slightly older.
Yes, I am admitting that
I do find Kirsty very attractive.
I thought Micky would have been
more gallant than that.
You start off with a little
bit of a backhanded compliment.
You need to mix it up,
"Lovely shoes, you old woman."
"You look lovely, you thick idiot.
"You've got such a lovely smile,
but you're so racist."
Well, I'm afraid that's all we've
got time for and a quick look
at the scores tells me that
this week the teams are tied.
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Micky
and Jim, Richard and Josh
and to our guest narrator,
Kirsty Wark.
And I'll leave you with the words
of actor Clive Owen, who said
Well, that's flying Ryanair
for you. Good night.