Wedding Band (2012) s01e08 Episode Script

Just stick with me, okay? This place is crawling with wedding guests.
What was I thinking? I never should have asked you to do this.
This is crazy.
It is your call, Thushari, okay? There is no pressure.
You came to us, but I get it.
Nobody wants their first words they say to the person they're getting ready to marry to be "I do.
" I think squeezing a "hello" in makes perfect sense.
Seriously? The hotel uniform? Slight detour.
Mehndi night got out early.
That was my mom! What if she saw me? I can't go through with this.
Okay, it's fine.
Tradition's good.
- We'll stick with tradition.
- It's true.
We just want you to get whatever it is that you want.
I don't know what I want.
You seemed really sure what you wanted last night.
- I was? - Yes.
You were very detailed.
You know, the bridal sari you dreamed about - since you were a little girl.
- The solah shringar? You know, them washing your hair and putting in the flowers? That's beautiful.
That's an amazing moment.
- Who wouldn't want that? - But on second thought, tradition has its benefits.
You get to walk down the aisle, meet your husband for the first time.
It's like a surprise party for the rest of your life.
But on the other hand, that is a long aisle to walk down.
All those questions you were talking about running through your head.
Forgot about the questions, Tommy.
- Is he the right guy? - Right guy.
- Does he have a hairy back? - Hairy back.
- Is he a fetish guy? - Some guys are feet guys.
- Some guys are foot guys.
- You think Jagdish is a foot guy? I didn't get that impression.
I do not do dress-up.
You both understand that, right? And why is there an elephant in the loading dock? Okay, we haven't been totally honest with you, but Jagdish approached us last night, as well.
- He did? - He did.
He didn't want me to say anything, but he is extremely nervous, and if you guys don't meet, that man is gonna come riding in on a very large elephant with a whole list of his own questions.
The bride and groom set the tone for the whole party.
If your nerves are on edge, then It's fair to say no one will enjoy the tandoori.
Yeah, and the real tragedy? The dancing.
I can't imagine anyone bungling the bhangra.
- Whose car? - No idea.
I was right to want a pre-meet before the meet.
We would not be standing around wearing these ridiculous stolen costumes if we didn't believe in happy endings.
S01E08 Problems So, was I right to want a pre-meet? Oh, absolutely.
I think you can never spend enough time with a person before you marry them.
The longer I'm engaged, the more I believe that.
You're engaged? When's the big day? Oh, who really has time to plan those things? Aren't you a wedding planner? I know.
What does that say about me? Maybe there is something to these arranged marriages.
Oh, God.
It's her.
You want to get it? Yeah! That's amazing footwork for a couple who just met.
I mean, "Dancing with the stars" finalists aren't that in sync.
Maybe they just have Ganesh-given talent.
Big props to Eddie.
Man, I didn't think he'd do it, but the sitar lessons really paid off.
You guys really do throw yourselves into the culture of these weddings.
You know, when you strip them down, all weddings are alike.
Always see a cute flower girl at every wedding.
Right? Then there's the over-toaster.
And to my third cousin, once removed You know who really sours my milk? The no-show.
They rsvp, waste the calligrapher's time.
I mean, there's seven seconds of that guy's life he's never gonna see again.
Why you taking it? Oh, one day I'm gonna expose all of them in a tell-all coffee-table book.
There's everyone's favorite wedding perv.
Kiss, kiss! - The clinker.
- Kiss, kiss.
- Drinks an average 3.
2 flutes per reception.
- Kiss, kiss.
Kiss, kiss! Shake that.
Oh, I know that kiss.
The samachumbana.
That's level-three "Kama Sutra" right there.
This couple's had a pre-meet.
You broke rule number one never kiss the couple on the mouth.
That is roxie's way of saying "Don't get too personal with the clients.
" It's from "Pretty Woman.
" Forgive me.
I haven't been in a Julia Roberts phase for quite some time, but, uh Getting personal is that's what we do.
I mean, that's what our band is all about.
Well, I'm all about business my business and your little stunt could have blown the whole wedding.
We trusted you guys.
Give it up, Rachel.
You wrote your name in the "Kama Sutra.
" For the record, the bride came to us.
- And the groom.
- And the groom.
Eddie: We know how lucky we are to be working with you, Roxie.
It's just, we don't do things like this to stir up trouble.
Yeah, we do well, not intentionally.
Tommy: We have principles.
We don't get involved unless a couple asks us to.
Gee.
How noble.
Well, let's say it didn't work out.
How would I explain your wonderful value system to a client who was demanding a full refund? Rachel, the yellow cards.
Yellow cards? What is this, world cup? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Are we getting penalized? - I got one extra here.
- Hey, this I don't no.
Roxie, there's an extra card.
No, there's not.
That one's for you, Rachel.
- Roxie.
- No, no, please.
Please don't give me this yellow card, Roxie.
I swear to God, I will never help them again.
What's the big deal about a yellow card? Yeah.
Fish taco night.
Hey, great set.
Thank you.
I don't think he was talking about the music.
That's what I get for going undercover as a chef to help out some couple.
- I'm a bass player, man.
- I learned something new today.
There's no such thing as good-looking nudists.
I learned something, too.
No more pissing off Rutherford.
My butt is sunburned, man.
What'd I say about spf 15? - Wouldn't provide enough coverage, right? - I know.
That's why I zinced my tushy.
- Hey! Come on! - Seriously.
- Come on.
No.
- Really? That's enough.
Moses, dude, I'm sorry, man.
I had a a thing.
It was a nudist thing, and it ran over, and it was really Allow me to impart some wisdom? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, no impart.
- Check this out.
Beyond this door, women gather to talk about love.
Beyond this door, there are moving targets everywhere.
Your job lock it down like Bobby brown.
Know what I'm saying? What you.
.
dude, dude.
- No, wait! No! Oh! - What? Why would you cut me off in the middle of what I was trying to tell you?! You told me behind the door is the Take the book, all right? This is "The loomer's daughter.
" Yeah, I know.
It's a romance novel/guide.
- But it's a romance novel.
- Slash guide.
What got me when she stitched his wounds with her hair.
This is a prank, right? You were being imparted with some wisdom, okay? Now, just accept that.
Uh, my favorite plot development, ladies, is when he takes his own hair and sews her blouse back together.
Only to tear it off again in a fit of passion.
Then she wakes, satisfied, and he's gone.
Yeah, but before he takes off to Paris, he sews it back together one last time.
It's a very difficult task, women.
I mean, the man has huge hands.
It's no easy alteration.
But then again True love never is.
- That's a nice dramatic pause.
- Don't hate.
Congratulate.
That is really insightful, Moses.
Really insightful.
Boy, is that cracked.
Right? And the second stitching that's the one.
That's the fulfilling one, isn't it? Please! A buff French sewing-machine inventor who rescues and then sexually awakens women? His invention suppresses them.
This is male hegemonic crap.
That's what this is.
Think that's a little extreme.
What is it? - Hegemonic? - No, your name? - Angela.
- Angela.
Yes, he's buff.
Yes, he is French.
He even looks French on the cover.
But I think you're missing the meaning of this.
See, if you ask me, Barthelamy Thimonnier he's really the one that's being rescued, right? His broken heart being cross-stitched together by the loomer's daughter.
Thread me! Thread my needle! Hello? Hey, Stevie! Hey! Hey, you guys.
How are you? I'd like you to meet Virginia.
Hey, Virginia.
How are you? Is this new, you guys? - No.
- God, no.
Stevie and I dated a long time ago.
I just got out of a relationship.
Yeah, that's when she reaches out to me.
First call.
- And what does that mean? - You know, it's a session thing.
You know, first call in the studio.
First call for a shoulder to lean on.
- I don't know what that means.
- Shoulder to cry on.
- I'm off to the gym.
- All right.
Have fun.
- Nice meeting you.
- Bye.
Doesn't it seem like tennis shoes would be the appropriate footwear for working out at the gym? That's Virginia.
She wears high heels when she exercises.
Wait.
Virginia.
I know that from something.
She wears high heels I know I heard that before.
Now I remember.
It's from that train song, "Meet Virginia.
" Wait a minute.
Your Virginia the Virginia from "Meet Virginia"? - Yeah.
What's the big deal? - Um, 'cause you're lying.
Any guy who really dated a girl from a hit song would bring that up in every conversation.
I would start every conversation with that.
It's Dennis and Denise.
What are they doing here? That's the first wedding we played together.
And where I met Ingrid.
They're the sweetest, most compatible couple you'll ever meet.
It's horrifying.
- You lost me.
- They're happy sobbers.
- Yeah.
- So what? Tons of people cry at weddings.
Well, they had three rain delays.
And it was an indoor wedding.
To celebrate seven wonderful years together, Dennis and Denise are throwing a party.
You're renewing your vows.
Close.
- We're getting a divorce.
- Yeah, we are so over! You guys are so compatible.
- Well, not anymore.
- Yeah.
You gave us away, and now we want you to take us back.
Oh, and maybe introduce us to some of your single friends.
Yes.
So, what do you say? Will you play our divorce? Yeah.
Of course.
Divorce parties are all the rage right now.
I mean, I wish they were around when my three marriages ended.
So cathartic! You know? It's just a great celebration of good.
Not the bad when it crashed and burned, you know.
So, Dennis and Denise here are going to call it a renewal-of-vows ceremony.
They're going to invite everyone from their original wedding and just break the news to everyone all at once.
It's important to us no one feels awkward, you know? Have to pick sides.
Team bride boo.
Team groom yay! So, no one else knows about this.
Nope.
No.
And so not a word to anyone.
Yeah, not even Ingrid.
You got it.
Man, I can't believe that's the end of the streak.
- And there's a streak.
- Oh, we got lots of streaks.
29 gigs in a row without playing "brick house.
" 17 where we got singles into scoring position.
Yeah, but this streak is special.
No couple whose wedding we've ever played has split.
In seven years? You sure one didn't slip through the cracks? Please.
My books are in order.
We can't let this happen.
Hold on.
I think I know where you're going with this, and third-base coach is not waving you home on this one.
We only get involved if it's what the couple wants.
Well, what if it is what the couple wants? Maybe it's just a communication breakdown.
Oh, great song.
Written and recorded in under eight minutes.
Let's just do this.
Let's bring them in to go over the run sheet again.
We'll split them up.
Stevie and I will take Denise.
You guys take Dennis.
And we just Tommy, I'm warning you.
Do not kiss this couple on the mouth.
They're already divorcing, so it's not like we can blow anything.
- What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing? - I think you're looking for my tell.
- Maybe I've already found it.
Maybe you're bluffing because I don't actually have a tell.
Maybe calling my bluff your tell.
Really? Do not kiss that couple on the mouth.
How come Dennis is out there? Oh, you mean why, uh why are you two separated? We figured, since you're splitting up, you should probably get into the habit of not doing things as a couple.
Since you won't be soon.
You are gonna start making your own decisions.
- How many? - All of them, dude.
- All of them.
- Freedom.
Weekends spent shopping for new furniture.
And you get to start dressing yourself again.
Take a good look.
This is you in a month.
- 30 days.
- I slept in this last night.
Let's talk run sheet.
So, exactly like our wedding but do the traditions in reverse.
Like you're undoing it kind of thing.
Almost like it never happened.
- Right.
- No, I mean, like, we'll kick off the evening with our last dance.
The song you played for our first dance at our wedding.
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on.
Wedding number one, track three "wonderful tonight.
" - It's amazing how he does that.
- I have a gift.
- Nice song.
- Tommy: It's perennial.
- Very safe.
- Very safe.
Can I be honest? It wasn't my first choice.
Really? What was? I like swears.
I like that.
Uh, Denise actually wanted Jay-Z, but I talked her out of it.
Denise likes Jay-Z? Yeah, she loved explicit lyrics.
Sweet little Denise? Yeah! Oh, she would crank up the volume, and we would just cuss at each other.
You wouldn't know it, but she used to have quite a wild side.
So, then you finish your set, and then the guests will be seated for dinner.
I've been meaning to ask you about that you're actually one guest short from your original roster.
Oh, that.
Yes, we had a no-show.
And you're sure you don't want to invite them? Terry was What? No, go ahead.
We just want to be able to help.
They only want people who attended the wedding.
Yeah.
Rachel, why don't you, uh, go get me a double cap? I can take care of this.
Sure.
And number one on the top-five favorite things at your wedding? The hundred doves released at sunset.
That was mine, too.
Breathtaking.
What was yours? Oh, I got to go garter.
I mean, I'm a thigh guy.
Can't do a reverse wedding and not have one of those.
You got to slip that back on.
Yeah, slide it right back up that thigh.
I'd love to, but I don't think Denise would go for it.
I put on 20 pounds since the wedding.
They had to let my dress out so much, they had to get a city permit.
Ah, no.
Your mistake was losing so much weight before the wedding, right? - Ask Rutherford.
- Oh.
It's those damn photos.
Just so much pressure to drop a weight class.
And, at the end of the night, you drive away.
Two separate limos.
What's wrong? Oh, um After the wedding, Denise and I were gonna do a around-the-world trip.
But the job offer was too good to pass up.
I told him we could always take the trip later, and at some point, we just stopped talking about it.
Guess we just forgot.
- Spark? - Spark.
Oh, she misses adventure.
He misses her wild side.
They miss each other.
I knew it.
I knew it in my wedding gut.
- Definitely a communication breakdown.
- Eight minutes.
Rach, we're gonna need that hotel room.
No.
No! Eye in the sky is watching.
Excuse me.
We are saving a marriage here.
No! I'm not helping you, not after the yellow card.
The loomer's daughter stitched her lover's wounds with her own hair.
- The who? - The what? I don't know what that means.
It means we're going all-in.
You're coming with us.
Come on.
- No.
No, no.
- We're a team.
Just join us.
- Come on, just join the team.
Just join us.
- No, I can't.
No.
Okay.
But I want more operational responsibility.
Done.
We're running the hindu pre-meet In reverse.
Stevie? Get out of town.
Come on.
- Hi! - Hey, kiddo.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Tommy, Denise, this is Stacy.
Yes.
Hi.
Stevie and I go way back.
Hey, do you remember when I mowed your lawn - and your mom came out with a towel on? - I think I do.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
- I've heard that before.
- Yeah, me too.
Where's that from? I used to date Stacy's mom.
Yeah.
I just wanted to say thanks.
You know, when my dad walked out, he got my mom to a good place.
This guy is a really good listener.
Whatever.
You are so grown.
Look at you.
Please tell your mom I said hey, okay? Okay, I will.
Good to see you.
- All right, later.
- Bye.
Look how grown-up she is.
That's crazy.
"Stacy's mom"? Really? Fountains of Wayne, "Stacy's mom"? - Yes.
- Are you serious? Dude, it was a stretch that you dated one girl from a hit song, but two? How is that possible? - Come on! - Are we ready to go? Come on.
You just couldn't leave that couple's lips alone, could you? I can only play for one team, and Rutherford is the team that I play for.
Plus, I'm really scared of her.
I'm sorry.
Before I flay your bodies with a fish scaler and, yes, I have seen it done let me show you how this works.
50% of marriages end up in divorce.
But 83% of divorces end in marriage.
That is two more business opportunities for me.
New families means kids.
Kids means bar mitzvahs Sweet 16s Cuddle parties Rainbow Rachel, we dropped those when we discovered what they are.
I will fix that tomorrow.
All of this makes up what I call the circle of life for event planners.
Hakuna matata? It means "No worries," but you should worry.
Rachel, show them the red cards.
Come on, you can't punish us again.
Oh, no, no.
I am not giving you these.
Not yet.
But for those of you who have not seen the last 19 world cups, and by the way, do not bet England.
They will break your heart.
The red card means you are kicked out.
You are banished.
You are excommunicated, soccer-style.
So if you screw up this divorce party, I will remove you from Rutherford Events' roster permanently.
Maybe we are taking the "we get personal" thing a little too personally.
- Yes.
- I'm just saying.
You know, I've done enough weddings to know that Dennis and Denise belong together.
- It's really simple.
- Right.
'Cause you're a wedding whisperer.
No, I have a wedding gut, okay? But I shouldn't have said anything to you because I knew you'd do this.
You'd do exactly this.
A wedding gut? - What's up, pat?! - What's up, man? How have you been? - Come here, man.
Give me some.
- Oh, good to see you.
- I'm good, man.
How are you? - Good.
That's the dude from train.
I know, man.
Stay cool.
It's all right.
I can't.
Want you to meet my band.
Guys.
- Band, this is Pat Monahan.
Pat, my band.
- Hey.
How are you, man? Eddie.
Hey, Eddie.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Pat.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Barry? - Hi.
- Back up.
- Back up.
- Barry.
- Right on, Barry.
- Yeah, all right.
Hey, so, I spoke to Virginia, and she said that you guys have been hanging out.
Yeah, yeah, just a little bit, man.
Just a little, yeah.
- That's crazy.
- Tommy: That's awesome.
You still talk to your exes.
Yeah, just the ones that earn me royalties, though.
I'm just kidding around.
He's not kidding.
I'm not kidding.
Uh, that reminded me, though, that I had your ukulele still.
Thank you, man.
It really sweetened that track up.
No, you sound great playing it, yeah.
- So, my family's out there - Yes.
and I'm gonna get going.
- Great to see you.
- Good to see you, too, man.
- All right.
- Take care, all right? - Tell the family - I said what's up.
Great to meet you.
See ya, man.
Drive careful.
Bye, Pat.
You dated a hit song.
I finally have respect for you.
"Meet Virginia," "Stacy's mom.
" - How? - What? How? - Cut it out, man.
- You play the bass.
I'm a very good listener.
I am.
I'm sorry.
This "literature" glorifies adultery, absolves these women because Javier Santiago has jumped into their husband's bodies.
Hold on a second.
I'm sorry.
I got to cut you off.
Are you trying to tell me that you think Javier enjoys jumping through time and having sex with all of these hot women? Are you gonna argue he doesn't? - Uh, yeah.
No, I am.
- No.
No.
- But you really don't want to.
- But I do.
It's clear that he is with all these women in hopes that he will then jump back into his own body, and be with his one true love.
Right.
Unless she is already with another man in his own body.
But that's that would never happen and is farfetched.
Right? - But it did.
- It did.
- Volume three.
- Yep, volume three.
Did it, really? See? That was sold out.
And again in volume nine.
You are reading these books, right? I bet he only reads the flaps.
You're a flapper! - Hold on a second.
No.
- Okay.
- These names aren't necessary.
- That is yeah, don't.
I think what my friend means is that, yes, Javier jumps, you know, through time, fixing broken hearts, but he's doing this, hoping that, one day, he jumps and love prevails.
As it does.
That was exactly what I meant.
- A flapper - It's very similar to what he said.
So, this man this man travels through time, and he fixes broken marriages.
Yes.
- And that's it? - Yeah.
- Really? For 11 books? - For 11 books.
I can't believe I had to vouch for you back there, man.
You know how hard it is to get into a romance book club? I had no idea, man.
I didn't realize that you were, like, vetted.
Look, these women don't just let anybody in.
You know, they they share their hearts there.
And you got toarn that access.
The take-home here is, don't be a flap reader.
I read just flaps on "the loomer's daughter," and I was fine.
You're the one who's always telling me to go all-in, right? Yeah.
Is that what you're doing here? Yeah.
Really? That's what you're doing here? Okay, just jump to the point where you tell me what it is that you think that I'm doing so we can just cut to it? I think you're skimming.
- You think I'm skimming.
- Yeah.
You are.
- Really? - Yeah.
You got to commit.
Commit to the thing in order to commit to the thing.
That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've ever heard.
I'm out.
Can I take a nugget with me? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- What's up? Man, I'm sorry that we didn't that we didn't let you in the band, 'cause you should have been.
Tommy, I was 10, okay? I had other interests.
I know.
You love L.
L.
I do love L.
L.
I still love L.
L.
You wore a lot of leather.
Yes, and I also love the ladies.
Ladies Love leather.
That's right.
Show your wedding balls.
- Commit.
- I will.
- All right.
- Yep.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
What's so important we had to rush over here? What's "The love jumper"? It is a romance novel for my book club.
Romance-novel book club? Yep.
It's Moses' play.
I know it seems ridiculous, but it's not.
It is a chick mine.
I swear, it's too easy.
It really is.
- You read this whole book? - I read the entire series.
All of them.
You know what? I thought these things were gonna be ridiculous, but they're not.
They're really deep.
That one, uh, number six Javier Santiago he love-jumps into the body of a chocolatier.
Did you know that cocoa represents the soul of a woman? - I did not know that.
- I didn't know that, either.
And then Javier told me.
That book! Now I know.
And you're watching Dennis and Denise's wedding game tape? - What's gotten into you, man? - I understand that I'm a flight risk, okay? When it comes to relationships.
I get that.
But the one thing that I know I can do, Eddie I can spot love in other people.
I can.
Dennis and Denise? There's something there.
I feel it.
You know where I feel it? - In your wedding balls.
- In my wedding balls.
That actually makes sense.
We're a band.
We're a group.
So if any one of you want out of this thing, you say so.
You let me know, and we're out.
So, show of hands.
Who's in? - I'm in.
- Barry.
Yes, you are.
Stevie.
- Eddie? - All right, you know what? I'm in.
I have a few conditions, though.
Number one.
You stop reading romance novels, effective immediately.
I have two more chapters.
No, Javier Santiago's jumped in the body of a pharaoh.
- There's a second love-jumper.
- Tommy.
- He's about - Tommy.
- It's a whole series, Eddie.
- No.
- Do you understa - No.
Thank you.
And number two if at any point it looks like it's not gonna work, we abort, no regrets.
And no moping.
We respect the streak for what it was.
We retire it, and we hang a banner.
Number three.
Rutherford's gonna be all over us like a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet, which means there is no margin for error.
You know how hard it was to get in with her.
We cannot get red-carded.
She will make sure we never play another event again.
And then come after our families.
I don't think that'll happen.
But, uh, we have to get Dennis and Denise to fall back in love again without ever leaving the stage.
How are we gonna do that? We got 24 hours to put a group of people together that are as crazy as we are.
- That explains the game tape.
- The game tape.
I watched the old nuptials, and I did it, Eddie.
I put together a dream team of wedding misfits from Dennis and Denise's original wedding, the likes of which you have never seen.
Want to hear who's first up? The over-toaster.
This is his shot to make up for that shitty speech that he made at Dennis and Denise's wedding.
We're gonna write him the best toast of his life.
He's definitely gonna need some jokes, but we'll get them in there.
Batting second cute flower girl.
Puberty's been a little hard on this one.
She told me to stick the roses up my ass, but she is gonna sprinkle exotic flowers to remind Dennis and Denise of the honeymoon they never took.
Three spot the clinker.
He's the wedding perv.
He's the one that yells, "kiss, kiss!" But this time, the kiss is the spark that gets Dennis and Denise to fall in love all over again.
Tommy: Since Dennis and Denise are no longer communicating with each other, we're gonna make sure the dream team does it for them.
But Rutherford's got to believe we're sticking to her run sheet.
Right, we're gonna make sure that she thinks that Dennis and Denise came up with these changes themselves.
Barry, phantom run sheets.
The shell is the same, but we're changing the yolk.
Wow, we're tweaking everything from the first dance to the last song.
And every tradition in between, my friends.
All else fails, I've got a wild card.
The no-show.
For seven long years, I've held on to this.
Today, Terry Gusto, I put a face to your place card.
Gentlemen, let's go stop a divorce.
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Tonight marks a, uh, very special occasion.
It means everything to us that our family and our friends can, uh, be here to celebrate, um our final dance.
What is he saying? We're getting divorced.
What? What?! I I understand that this is a big shock to you, but this is good.
- Yeah, and we're still friends.
- Yeah.
See? Watch.
So, no.
There's just there's no awkwardness.
No, we didn't want any awkwardness between all of us.
Tonight's a celebration, so let's party! Thank you.
That wasn't awkward at all.
That was really good.
Thank you.
This, uh this is a special request.
Okay.
Explicit lyrics.
Very sneaky.
Got it in right under the wire.
Hello? Anyone who, uh, knows Dennis knows he's a huge Jewel fan.
Come on.
Sarah Mclachlan.
So, when Denise suggested that they go to a Jay-Z concert on their, uh, blind date, he freaked out.
I had to talk him into it.
I'm glad I did, because, Denise, you are the best thing that's ever happened to him.
I've known you together for eight years, and I know that I'm gonna miss that.
But eventually, all good things, even this speech, must come to an end.
Cheers.
Cheers! Dennis, when you married Denise, you removed this from her leg.
I think it's time we put that back where it belongs, don't you? You kept that? Tahitian gardenias? Asian orchids! How did you get those? Well, these are flowers from all around the world.
This is so sweet.
Why did we stop talking about that trip? Okay, here we go.
- No, it's fine.
- No, it's fine.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Let me just - Honey, honey, it's okay.
- It doesn't fit.
No, it's okay.
Look.
Hey.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Clinker's gonna knock in the winning run.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Terry? It's Terry! The no-show is a lady? That's Dennis' ex.
- Barry, it's his ex? - Oh, crap.
That's why she was a no-show.
She wasn't over Dennis.
Maybe she still isn't.
I ruined the streak.
Hey.
I can't believe it.
We were so close.
Everywhere I turn, I am getting a golden shower of compliments.
I can't tell.
Is that a good thing? Of course, what I planned and how everything turned out totally different.
You sure it wasn't Dennis and Denise? We were on stage the whole time.
Oh, well, then explain Rachel's run sheet.
That's not mine.
Rachel, pick a side and stay there.
I know your tell.
- I bite my lip, don't I? - And you flare your nostrils.
I'm so onto you guys.
Hi.
Now she shows? Of course, she's 20 pounds lighter! Yeah, I think she has an eating disorder.
I mean, honestly, have you seen her teeth? They're horrible.
Dennis must have invited her.
I don't know how else she found out.
No, I guarantee you that Dennis did not invite her, okay? Rutherford has been working around the clock, making sure that everybody was here, and I think that she did it.
I always knew I was his rebound.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Stop it.
You're too beautiful to be a rebound.
Really? But I'm so fat.
No, you're not.
You know, when Dennis looks at you, I see a man looking at a beautiful woman into her soul, like Javier Santiago.
Who? He's a chocolatier.
I Hero.
He's a real hero.
And when you look at him, I see a woman looking at the perfect man.
Denise, I have played a lot of weddings, okay? I have wedding balls.
Does it hurt? Your balls? No, it's not it's a Eyes up, eyes up.
Think about what you had the day you married Dennis.
Now, I was there.
I saw it.
Ask yourself, "is that really gone?" Denise, you're needed at the altar.
Now, Denise, remove Dennis' ring and place it in the coffin.
This your idea of a hail Mary? Seduce the bride so she gets back with the husband? - You want to give me a little more credit? - No.
If Javier Santiago were here, that is exactly what he would have done.
He would have inspired Denise to fight for her husband.
You are not Javier Santiago.
I am more of a Javier Santiago than you will ever be, Eddie.
I don't want to be Javier Sant I don't want to be - Really? You don't want to be a chocolatier? - No, I don't want to be a chocolatier.
- I could have been a chocolatier, Eddie.
- This relationship has flatlined.
- You are like this doctor trying to revive the patient - Oh, really? Yeah, with the paddles, just pumping, pumping, and pumping.
- This is not over, Eddie.
It is not over.
- The patient's dead.
Stop it! Officiant: If any person can share just cause as to why they should still be together, let them speak now or forever hold your peace.
I'd like to I'd like to speak, if you don't mind.
Hey, everybody.
I'm Stevie.
Hi, Stevie.
Um, I'm a session man.
I played in a you know, a lot of bands, one after the other, and but I never actually joined a band Until I met those guys right over there.
They taught me what it is to go all-in, with everything you got.
Everything.
And going all-in like that they did that for you.
Did you put him up to this? What, are you insane? Barry? No, but it's awesome.
I'm ready to take a knee.
Now, I-I've only played eight weddings, so I don't have the same knowledge that they do, but I've been listening.
You know what I heard? You two have been saying the same things to us, word for word.
The only problem is, you forgot to say it to each other.
Honestly, look around you.
Look.
Everybody here can see how you guys feel for each other.
I think you see it, too.
- Oh! - He sounds just like Javier Santiago.
- You read "The love jumper"? - Just the flaps.
Stevie: If it was me, knowing what you know, I wouldn't sign those papers.
Not now.
Not ever.
I don't want to dress myself.
I don't want you to dress yourself, either.
Come here! We live in a cynical world.
A cynical world.
Did he just shift to "Jerry Maguire"? Yes, he did.
I hate that movie.
Not enough football.
I work in the business of tough competitors Okay! To, uh, Dennis and Denise, the bride and groom again! I will deny ever saying this, but you guys making it personal today will definitely be a boon for business.
I bet by the end of the evening, I will have a full house of events to plan.
Hakuna matata.
Good work.
Thank you.