Wet Hot American Summer: Ten Years Later (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 This bomb's gonna blow and there's nothin' anybody can do about it.
Give me the goddamn codes, George.
You never understood what my real ability was, Ron.
I take abuse with a smile.
You can hit me all you want.
Jelly Bean, she's still gonna blow.
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
- Claire - Mm.
Give me the goddamn codes! Stop.
Stop fighting! Greg, has Eric activated that tracking system yet? No, not yet.
He needs to quit dicking around and hurry up.
Show me the fever Into the fire Taking it higher and higher Yes! Tracking system on.
- Tracking's online.
- Now what? We're gonna blow this nuke out of the sky.
- Eric! - Hey, babe.
I thought you were dead.
In a way I was, but in most ways, including the most important ways I wasn't.
Three minutes until launch.
Back away! Come on, George.
You don't want to do this.
You know you don't.
You don't know what I want.
You don't know what I don't want.
You never did! Watch my back.
I'm gonna bum-rush the president.
Hell, yeah.
B-R the P, man.
- Oh, come on, man! - Take that, butterball.
Take that, butterball! I'm the president of the United States! I'm the most powerful man in the entire world! Does anybody else want to try anything foolish? Okay.
Hi, over here.
Yes.
Hello.
I prefer to be non-violent normally, but I should tell you I have been trained in Krav Maga.
Okay, well, I'm just gonna touch your pressure point right here.
Fucked you up.
I fucked you up.
Time's up, Camp Firehose.
I think I hear my ride.
George, please don't do this! It's not too late! Too late for you, Willie-Shits-His-Pants! - Wait! What about us? - Stop them! Don't let them get away! They're part of the problem.
Not gonna happen! - Please, please, please! - Wouldn't be prudent! - Read my lips.
No new taxes.
- Mr.
President! Oh, no! Damn it, Greg.
Are we gonna shoot down this missile, or what? We're not on the Pentagon mainframe.
It's an auxiliary hub.
I can't go any faster.
Funny, I remember you moving a lot faster when you stole Beth from me back in '81.
Do you wanna fight over women, you tin piece of shit, or do you wanna save the world? Greg, I'm sorry, okay? I, uh I can't help but feel like I'm partly responsible for some of this.
No, it's no one's fault.
But I stole the nuke and put it in the bunker.
And I'm sure we could all find a way to hold ourselves accountable.
- Yeah.
- Well, me more than most of you.
Ten seconds until launch sequence initiation.
Everyone, think! Think of a solution! We've got to stop it from launching! Wait a second.
There's one thing we could do.
What is it? And it's just crazy enough that I think it could work.
Great.
What is it? What is it? Okay, well, first first we would need to, um Preparing to launch.
- Faster, faster! - The general idea The general idea is Launch sequence activated.
The general idea Okay.
The general idea God damn it! Well, it wasn't a good idea anyway.
It wasn't gonna work.
- So - Whoa! The missile just lunched.
- Did you just say "lunched"? - What happens now? The missile needs to fly into orbit, turn around in space, reenter the atmosphere, and then it will destroy us all, so - So how long do we have? - Five minutes.
Oh, we're all gonna die! And all the campers, too, and they don't even know it.
You make me wanna move like I'm crazy You make me wanna dance Donna, Yaron I'm sorry I'll never get to see our kid get his or her GED.
Hey.
Before the missile hits, I'm really sorry I never told you my true feelings.
It was lame and it was misleading.
It's totally not cool.
Thank you.
And Mark, I'm really sorry.
If it means anything, I know how much she really loves you.
Thanks for saying that.
Hell of a lot of good the spirit of Camp Firewood did us.
- Yeah, thanks for nothing.
- Yeah.
What a shitty totem pole.
Uh-oh.
What? We're locked out of satellite controls.
I'm gonna need voice authorization from someone at NASA.
But that would have to be someone on the inside at Cape Canaveral.
Did you say Cape Canaveral? I know someone there.
Can you call them? This video protocol should connect us to somebody at the NASA base.
Hello, NASA here.
Henry Neumann speaking.
Hank, it's Mitch from Camp Firewood.
I'm Beth's friend.
We met in the city that one time.
Um I'm a can of vegetables.
Oh, yes, right, Mitch.
Hey, how are you? No time for chit-chat.
Okay.
Maybe we'll talk next time.
Bye.
No! Get him back! Hello, NASA here.
Henry Neumann speaking.
Hank, it's Mitch again.
Don't hang up.
I need you to do something for me.
I need you to authorize satcom on this end.
Long story, but it's to save Camp Firewood, and we have very little time.
Oh, okay.
I'll do it right now.
Hold on.
Hi.
This is Full Professor Henry Neumann, NASA space engineer.
Uh, yes, I need authorization to put the Strategic Defense Initiative, Star Wars, online at command control base 3426.
- We're online.
- Okay, put me close to the transponder.
Bravo, uncle, theta, one, two, zero, eight four.
- He did it! The bastard did it! - Thank you, Henry.
Okay.
Hope that was okay.
Let me know if you want to do it again.
And good luck with the rest of the shoot.
We can't thank you enough for helping to save this camp.
You've done a good deed.
We're in.
Oh, man, I'm gonna miss slinging bull with you jack-wits.
I'll miss the laughter.
- And I'll miss the late nights! - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Cooperberg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to read your book.
You're a really good writer.
Hey, you guys.
Me and Shari got back together.
- Aw! - And this time it's forever.
Me and Neil are gonna be together for the rest of our What the fuck is that? This is it, guys.
I love you.
- Walla-walla-hoo! - Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - Chu-ay! Chu-ay! Chu-ay! Kim-chu-ay! Chu-ay! Kim-chu-ay! Guys, look! The totem! The spirit of Camp Firewood! It's real! That's what I've been trying to tell you all along.
- It feeds off of our love.
- Oh! Let's all hold hands and really love each other.
- Kim-chu-ay! - Chu-ay! Kim-chu-ay! - Time to shoot down that missile.
- Here goes nothing.
Fingers crossed it'll work.
Let's go up and find out.
Kim-chu-ay! Chu-ay! Kim-chu-ay! Mitch? Greg? Didn't you get shot? And she said Hey, hey, hey What you gonna say? Kim-chu-ay! Chu-ay! Guys, guys, wait for me! I love you! I love you, guys! I love you all so much! What? I don't understand it.
- Are we - Are we dead? You're alive.
You're very much alive.
Congratulations, Camp Firewood.
- Well played.
- Well played.
- Well played? - Well played? It was all a game.
- So none of this was real? - Nope.
We wanted to teach you a lesson.
And I thought you could use a little of the old spirit of Camp Firewood back in your lives.
And I think we succeeded.
Don't you think, Ron? Ab-so-tutely.
So, hold on.
You and President Bush staged a nuclear crisis to bring us all together and teach us about friendship? It sounds kinda crazy when you put it that way, but we did have some help.
Who is that? That is William Jefferson Clinton, the young governor of Arkansas.
How you kids doing? - What are you doing here, Governor? - Oh, I'll give you a hint.
Hey, Lindsay.
I have a secret for you.
Bill Clinton was the guy in the garage? Looks like a young Henry Kissinger.
- What's going on? - What did we miss? The presidents pretended to nuke the camp.
That makes sense.
So, wait.
It wasn't a real missile? It was a real missile, but I armed it with a confetti payload.
- Oh, okay.
- Gene was real.
Gene was a real man, and I saw him die at the hands of Nurse Nancy.
No, you didn't! Gene! Oh, Gene.
But I watched you kill him! Correction.
You watched me perform a much-needed adjustment on his C3 vertebrae.
I haven't felt this limber in years.
But I killed you! Look at you.
You're covered in blood.
That was just ketchup.
All right, wait a minute.
None of this is real? I mean, I put together a cracker jack team to stop a nuke.
That's right, Gene.
You did that.
And now you're home again.
And there's a young lady here who'd like to meet you.
Daddy! Daddy? What does she mean Daddy? Hey! Now I get it! - We have so much catching up to do! - Yeah! Now I can be with my mommy and my daddy! - That's me! - Yes! Wait, what about the lady who tried to buy the camp for ten million dollars? Well, actually, she's a really great actress and her name is Gloria Culpepper.
Gloria, are you here? There she is.
Oh, hey, Gloria.
This was the role of a lifetime.
Great work.
Great work.
Okay, but I found Vivian.
- Absolutely.
- In that house with the paranoid guy and his wife.
Well, uh, why don't you just say hello to Sheryl Blaysdale, Connor Mitchum, and Erika Johnson from the Groundlings Sunday Company? - Thanks for letting us play with you.
- You were great.
I got a bunch of comp cards with me, if anyone's interested in my range.
And just an FYI, I'm doing my one-woman show, Goofball Diaries, in the main stage, Tuesday, at 6:00 p.
m.
President Reagan, were you really Willie-Shits-His-Pants? Nope.
I never even went to camp.
I have the photo from camp, 1921, with your name right here on the bottom.
Lindsay, what you have there is an example of my handiwork with Liquid Paper.
- Take another look.
- Wha I cannot believe I missed it.
Okay, wait.
Why did you and Reagan have all those meetings without anyone in the camp even witnessing? Great question, Agent.
We had to keep the ruse up, even in front of the Secret Service, to make sure it was airtight.
- Oh! - Got you.
Every beat of this was planned and scripted.
Well, shitting on the water-ski model, now that was a little bit of an ad-lib.
A little improv off the script.
And I want to give a very special thanks to a wonderful gal, Julie Levinson, a graduate student at Juilliard School, who gave a bravura performance as Renata, the psycho nanny.
Julie, come out here and take a bow.
She's so talented.
Julie? Julie, come on out.
You've earned it.
- We have to say something.
- No, we don't.
Never.
Julie? Immediately after this, we're gonna chop up her body.
Julie? I'll bury one handin the soccer field.
You throw one hand in the lake.
We'll burn the torso.
We'll take the head home with us in the car.
We'll scatter her teeth along the Merritt Parkway.
- What? - Julie? Not here.
I'm sure she'll be here soon.
Okay, wait.
So, was the camp sold or not? Actually, that part was not a game.
I did legally buy the camp from Beth.
But there is someone here who is much more qualified than I to run Camp Firewood.
And the new owner should be someone who will respect the values and continue the traditions that make Firewood so special.
And that new person is Howard and Debbie Fortner.
Howard and Debbie have owned several camps over the years, and they've shown a long-term commitment to the summer camp experience.
I know they're gonna make great new captains to the U.
S.
S.
Camp Firewood.
We're so excited to be a part of the Firewood tradition.
Gary, I would like to take the money I made from the sale of this camp and give it to you to start your own restaurant.
I'll handle the financing, you just cook your flavors.
Wait, are you serious? Absolutely.
This is the new direction I've been looking for.
Just promise to serve that mac and cheese two ways.
- This is a dream come true! - Aw.
And obviously, I'll need a chef de cuisine.
And I know just the man to ask.
It would be my honor.
One thing I know I'll need is a front-of-house manager.
Nance, what do you say? I say, yes! A thousand times, yes! Just don't be stingy with your chiropraxy.
You better get cooking.
Your grand opening is one week from today.
- Oh, my! I've got a lot to do.
- Okay! Excuse me, Mr.
President.
Thinking this through, why did you actually buy the camp if you knew you weren't gonna destroy it? Yeah.
- What's up with that? - Good question.
That's a great question.
Yeah, and what about when my co-workers were sort of part of a conspiracy of silence and chased me out of my office? - What was that about? - Where is the beef? I count on you to ask that kind of question.
How did you know that Ginny would leave Coop or that Garth would leave Susie? Did Greg actually control real satellites How were you able to build a fully operational bunker? What is the point of faking Gene's death? Why did you involve President Bush at all? What was the deal with the mole? Did you authorize satcom I don't understand any of this.
How did you fake a giant laser shooting out of the totem? These are all great questions, and we want to answer every single one of them, and we will.
But first, I think we're all probably pretty hungry.
I know I am.
And it's been a long night.
We have a whole bunch of pizzas from Mario's.
So, why don't you guys come along and we'll talk about all this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm late.
I thought we said 9:30.
No, we said 9:00 so we could be here by 9:30.
When we get back to the city, if you're okay with it, I've got somebody I want to set you up with.
- Love the haircut, Gary.
- Thanks.
Gonna be running my own restaurant, so I got Neil to cut my hair.
It's very '90s.
Hey, you guys, can we do this? It's almost 9:45, and as I said, I have some place to be at 11:00.
Oh, God, where do you have to be? Where you got to be? McKinley, tell us.
We're all dying to know.
Yeah! Okay, I'll tell you, but you cannot tell a soul.
- It's - Okay, everyone.
On three, say "Firewood.
" One, two, three.
Firewood! Table 36.
I need that demi-glaze panna cotta.
Oui, mon capitaine! Immédiatement! Tout suite! Demi-glaze panna cotta sauce framboise! And now, just back from her first assignment as our new chief foreign affairs hard news investigative reporter, - Lindsay Handelman.
Lindsay? - Thanks, Chuck.
Today in international news, Latvia restores its independence from the Soviet Union.
I have to say, she's doing a hell of a job.
She's pretty amazing, huh? What does this mean for the yen? And what does this mean for you? Firewood Grille.
No, we're, uh, closed for a private event.
Bon appétit.
Susie, I'm so glad you could make it.
Me, too.
Worked out great.
We're scouting in the Bronx for my movie.
We got financing and we start shooting in two weeks.
- Oh, you got financing.
From who? - Beth! - So, is Garth still in it? - No, we found a much better lead.
Someone who I think is going to be a very, very big star.
- Who is it? - Come on out! Hey! Logan St.
Bogan! Of course.
He was the guy who I don't think I ever met.
- Thank you.
- Great.
I love him.
I keep seeing her eyes.
This is our life now.
Mark, so you and Claire are trying to work it out? Yeah, with a little help from some experts.
They are on tape 5 of 16.
It's really working.
Hey, everybody! The New York Times food critic review is in.
- Oh, I love him.
- What does he say? He says, "Very delicious.
" Oh, my God! Write-ups like these are very rare.
They are reserved for the best of the best.
- They are! That's great.
- Congratulations, everybody.
Hey, J.
J.
, what did you do with all that footage you shot last week? I cut it into a documentary.
I submitted a rough cut to Sundance.
Should be hearing from them pretty soon.
It's hard to get into Sundance.
I got into Sundance! Hey, Gary, what's in this salad? They're called round mauve eggplants.
- They're from China.
- Mauve.
Of course! Mauve is the new fall color.
This is just the inspiration I needed.
I need to call the office.
- I knew you'd crack it.
- Who's that guy? Hey, hey, hey.
That's all great news and all, but we're kind of in the middle of a wedding reception party here.
- Huh, am I right? - We are.
I'd like to make a toast.
To the newlyweds, Victor and Abby! - To Victor and Abby! - Hear, hear! Look at us, ten years later.
And we have survived a fake nuke blast that I only partially understand.
Some of us are pregnant.
- It's a yeled.
- Aw.
Some of us are making amends.
- Hey, sorry we're late.
- Andy! Um, this is Tracy and our son, Nathan.
We've had some bumps, but, uh, we're gonna give it a go.
That's wonderful.
Second chances.
- That's great.
- I'm gonna take off.
See you.
Some of us are breaking the glass ceiling.
The fall color is a hit.
I've been promoted to senior VP! Some of us are finding Some of us made tons of money.
Beth, I'm talking about you.
Well, I'm doing okay.
Walla-walla-hoo! Walla-walla-hey! - Kim-chu-ay! - Chu-ay! Oh, all of us will be forever changed by this amazing camp reunion.
And so I toast to all of you, and I toast to Camp Firewood.
To Camp Firewood! "The rest of us raised our glasses into the air as well.
" Then we all said, 'To Camp Firewood.
' "And then, we ate.
" Oh.
This story is incredible.
The three presidents, the confetti warhead, the underground bunker? - I know.
- The talking can of vegetables, the toxic waste, Skylab? I know.
Crazy, right? And this all really happened? Well, I mean, what if I told you that I just went to my camp reunion and saw some old friends and had a few laughs, and that was it? Would that be more believable? - Yes.
- But not as compelling, right? - Right.
- So you tell me.
Which story do you want to hear? And everyone gets to live happily ever after.
Everyone but me.
I mean, I'm all alone.
- So - Well, you know what they say.
Sometimes the thing you've been searching for was right in front of you the whole time.
Laura? But But you're my editor.
- And my best friend.
- The book is finished.
It's time for us to start a new chapter together.
As co-authors.
Yes, as co-authors of this crazy book we call life.
- Oh, my God, you've made me so happy.
- Oh! I do have one more question.
What? Where did McKinley have to be at 11:00? That's an interesting story.
Oh, I can't wait.
So, when McKinley says that he wants to be there at 11:00, right? Jane, you say it's all over For you and me, girl There's a time for love And a time for letting it be, baby Jane, you're playing a game called Called hard to get by its real name Making believe that You just don't feel the same Oh, Jane Jane, Jane, Jane Oh, Jane, Jane, Jane Jane, Jane, Jane Jane, Jane, Jane