What Would Sal Do (2016) s01e08 Episode Script

NARRATOR: Previously on What Would Sal do? (TIRES SCREECHING) Fuck, Vince! There was some nerve damage.
So you may never be able to achieve erection again.
Thanks a lot.
I wanted to be a painter.
Boom! They found a lump on my breast.
This is the chance for Sal to perform the miracle of miracles.
It's a sign.
You need to pray.
Now more than ever.
I'm not perfect and I'm human, right? - That's right.
And so is Jesus.
- Come on! Heal me - with your hands.
- Oh, my God.
- Touch your mother's breast, Sal.
- What are you talking about? This is nuts, and I'm done.
Right, I'm fucking done.
(POURS DRINK) YOUNG MARIA: Pregnant? - That's impossible.
- What? - Well, it is, Maria, isn't it? - Well, of course, Luke, but It's definitely weird.
- How so? - Do you mind if I ask the questions? Yeah, of course.
How so? Your hymen is completely intact.
It's like the Berlin Wall.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were still a virgin.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Subtitle by peritta (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, baby.
I need you to touch my breasts.
What are you waiting for? Touch my titties, honey.
- Uh, no.
- Do it, Sal.
Touch my breasts.
Okay.
Thank you, I'm all done.
Lovely, excellent.
You get anything, Vince? - No, no.
- Nothing? No, not even a semi.
I just feel bad after all the shit I put you through, you know.
I don't want you to be mad at me anymore.
I know you're making an effort.
- I'm trying.
- Yeah.
(SNORING) Wakey, wakey.
Eggs and bakey and pear slices.
They help keep you regular.
I haven't heard you poop in a while.
You need more fiber.
(GROANING) Come on, Sal.
You need to eat something.
I'm not hungry, Ma.
Plus, I need you to go to the church today to take some food for a bake sale.
I told ya.
I'm done with all that.
It's not about that, Sal.
It's about raising funds for a leaky pipe that caused damage to a statue of Mary at the church.
(SLURPING) How can you cook today? Same as I cook every day.
Yeah, but every day you're not waiting to hear about a lump in your It's all I can think about, Ma.
If I let worry ruin my life Look, it's better to keep busy.
Sal, you remember how I said that I never had sex? Yeah.
Well, I did.
With your Zio Joe.
Zio Joe's my dad? No.
No, this is a new thing.
How new? Like in the last few weeks.
You had sex with your sister's husband? Ha! Her husband.
(SCOFFS) What d'you mean, "Ha"? Zio Joe and I used to date.
We were in love.
But we were saving ourselves.
And then when I got pregnant with you, he thought that I cheated on him.
And so then Zia Leena, she just Yeah, just swooped in and stole him from me.
Aw, Ma.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Me, too.
So, will you go to the church later today? Yeah.
Oh, and I'll need a ride to my doctor's appointment later on, too.
Sure.
Could you do me a favor though? Can you ask Zio Joe if he ever jerked off into your underwear? - Oh, Jesus.
- No.
Like when you were dating, Ma.
Just ask him.
FATHER LUKE: (CHUCKLING) No.
No.
God's not punishing you, Sal.
No, he's punishing the ones I love, because I actually went along with this bullshit.
My mother's lump, Vince's thingy.
- Me not getting the Bishop's job.
- Huh? The Bishop's job Ah, never mind.
- Sal - Yeah? What's going on with Vince? His dick doesn't work anymore.
Thank you.
But what if God isn't punishing you, but instead, he's testing your faith like he did with Abraham? - Lincoln? - No, the other Abraham.
I only know one.
God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, to prove his faith.
- Whoa! - So, just as he was about to, an Angel of God came down and stopped him, because he had proven his faith in the Lord.
Wow.
The Almighty sounds like a fuckin' asshole.
- Nope.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I mean this is just more proof that I'm not the Second Coming, okay? I mean, I'm not perfect, but that guy? Sounds like a fuckin' cock knocker.
Point is he tests people.
Okay, so what do you want me to do with this test? - Huh? What do you want me to do? - The one thing you refuse to.
Pray.
What if God knows you don't believe, so he's challenging you? He's challenging all of us.
(MACHINES BEEPING) - You're awake.
- What do you remember? I don't What happened? You were in a car crash.
Oh, my Gosh.
Did I hurt anybody? Am I okay? - You - You have some facial lacerations and possibly whiplash.
What do you remember? - Nothing.
- Like, nothing nothing? The last thing I remember is leaving my house this morning.
DOCTOR: You took quite a bump.
You might have some brain trauma.
Memory loss is not unusual.
Is it permanent? Uh, only time will tell.
Okay, fine.
Let's give it a shot.
This is weird.
What do I even do? Do I got to talk out loud, or I mean, you can probably hear my thoughts though, right? So Okay, let's do it.
Hey, sorry, buddy.
Place is taken, champ.
But Just came in here to use the church.
Well, I was here first, buddy.
So, out! Can't I sit somewhere else? (IMITATING MAN) "Can't I sit somewhere else?" No, you can't.
All right.
Fine, buddy.
You know what? You want the place.
You can have it.
I'm done with it.
Sal? Sal, it is you! - Hey.
- It's Peter.
The, Peter I'm the homeless guy.
You were with your friend.
I tried to angrily suck your cock in front of the Luxe Burger and then you bought me a club sandwich? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, man.
What're you doing here, huh? I came in here to pray that I would find you.
Here you are.
Really? I've come a long way, Sal.
I moved back to chemmi I, uh, reconnected with my family, I got a job, and an apartment.
- All thanks to you.
- Come on.
You did what no one else could.
You know, lots of people bought me lunch, or gave me money, or purchased sexual favors off me, but you're the only one who jerked me off.
- Well, I didn't jerk you off.
- No, you didn't jerk me.
You facilitated, so I'm very nervous.
Just so excited to see you.
It made me feel like a human again.
Getting jerked off and It was fun.
You know, it Made me realize life was worth living again.
It was a miracle.
No.
(CLEARING THROAT) No.
There's no such things as miracles.
Sal, where are you going? - I wanted to thank you.
- Well, you just did.
No.
Not like that.
I really wanted to thank you.
Wanted to show you how much you changed my life.
Please Just Let me have this moment.
What happened to the other place? Did it close down? 'Cause I was hoping we could go there for old times sake.
No, I can't, uh, get serviced there anymore.
It's uh It's complicated.
Okay.
You know what? I'm not really in the mood today, man.
I just, I'm not.
So Thank you, though.
But I'm gonna take off.
Hey, come on.
How often do you get the chance to thank the guy that saved your life? To complete that circle.
This This'll mean the world to me.
What a difference a couple of months makes, huh? Remember the first time we did this? (CHUCKLING) I was so nervous.
I had no idea what to do.
Now look at me.
Like an old pro.
- Yeah, except for the talking.
- Sorry.
Right.
Not enjoying yourself.
Something wrong? Just a little distracted, that's all.
By what? Would you mind turning around, maybe? Whatever gets the job done.
Um, actually I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with that.
- Why? - Well, if she turns around, then the hand on you is gonna be on me and the hand on me is gonna be on you and You see what I'm saying? No, I don't see what you're saying.
Gonna be like our dicks are touching.
Are you Are you kidding me? Not long ago, you were fully fuckin' homeless ready to suck my dick for a sandwich, now you're worried about her switching hands during a hand job? I'm I'm sorry.
Forget about it.
I don't know why I make things so weird.
Guess I just wanted everything to be perfect.
I mean, what's a little penis touch between friends, right? We weren't gonna touch penises.
- Yeah, we were.
- No, we fuckin' weren't! That's really not important.
Let me make it up to you.
- No, no.
I'm not gonna - No, I don't want I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
I know the perfect way - I can make this up to you.
- No, I don't (WOMAN JERKING) Life's funny, isn't it, Sal? One minute you're down in the dumps, next minute, you're king of mountain.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, I owe you a lot, Sal, but I also owe a lot to prayer.
Peter, could you not talk about You really helped me out.
You got my engines revving again.
But it's not till I sat down and really talked to God that I started to turn my life around.
- Peter, just - Now look at me.
Here, about to spray potential mes all over this lovely angel's hand.
Just watch the bracelet.
My kid made it for me.
Okay, could you both stop talking, please? Right.
Quiet.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - POLICEMAN: Hands up, dicks down! Ah, fuck! Hey, Sal.
Hey, what's going on? Okay, wait.
One second.
Almost there, almost.
Boom goes the dynamite.
That was it.
What's with you and the fucking cops, man? I don't know.
I don't know.
So, how'd we do? There's not enough money to fix the leaky pipe.
Oh.
I'm sure things will turn around.
Does it say that in the Bible? Because that's how bad things are.
(CLEARING THROAT) Well, aren't we a negative Nancy? I don't know what you're losing faster, money or parishioners.
Do you know what the heart of the Catholic church is? Faith.
Realism has no place in the Catholic church.
I'll say.
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was, our God is the God of the impossible.
You must have faith.
Speaking of faith, a letter from the Archbishop's office came today.
What? Today? Why didn't you tell me? I've been waiting for this.
See? You must have faith.
Shit.
(PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - SAL: Yeah.
Hey, Ma, hey.
Sal, where are you? Um You, uh, you remember that homeless guy? Yeah.
The first guy I helped.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well his name is Peter I ran into him today at the church today and guess what, Ma? This is amazing, okay? The guy Has turned his whole life around.
That's great.
Yeah.
The best part is he says it's all because of me.
Oh, wow.
I am so proud of you.
So proud.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna need you to remember, you know, how proud you are for a minute here, okay? Where are you? Well, he insisted on thanking me, Ma.
He insisted on thanking me.
What was I supposed to do? All right? Please tell me you're not in jail again.
Vince is on his way to pick you up, okay? He's gonna come take you to the doctor.
And everything's gonna be okay, Ma.
Yeah.
You'll come by and see me right after? Right away.
I love you.
(SIGHING) FATHER LUKE: You guys want a reading? Put away your Bibles.
'Cause I got an original and it's a doosy.
And it goes something like this.
It's a letter from the Archbishop to this guy.
Goes something like this.
"Dear Father Luke Gornsley.
Due to the struggling nature of the Holy Family church, we feel it is in the best interest of the church that you assume the role of Deacon to make room for a new parish priest.
" Well, I've been demoted.
Well, that's certainly not how I saw my life working out.
We're all just trying to do our best, right? And isn't that what it's all about? Why are we so hard on ourselves? We're all just trying to be good.
But that's not what it's about.
It's not about being good.
It's about trying to be good and failing but try again, and failing.
And try again, and failing.
And trying again and failing again and again and again.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) You like that? Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Ooh.
(EXHALING DEEPLY) What What are those? It's for the pain.
From the accident.
Pretty strong actually.
(CLEARING THROAT) Um, could you drive home? - Oh.
Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
So which breast is it in? - What? - The lump, - MAN: Maria Camilucci? - Never mind.
(EXHALING) What the fuck is that? No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, Jesus.
(PHONE RINGING) All right Here's the deal.
If this is true, you gotta give me something.
I've been trying, but, I'm not feeling it.
I need signs.
Okay? Real signs, not bullshit flukes and coincidences.
So if you're up for it, tough guy, this is what I need.
First and foremost, that lump in my mother's breast, it's gotta go.
No way around it.
That is a deal breaker.
This is one of the worst things a doctor ever has to experience.
You don't have a lump.
- What? - There's no lump.
You mean, it's not cancerous? The mammogram was performed incorrectly.
But how? Well it seems that your nipple, uh, kind of got folded over into the machine.
- It's understandable how we could - (LAUGHING) - DOCTOR: Yay! - (LAUGHING) Then there's Vince.
He's a good guy.
He's my best friend.
He's my only friend.
I know I'm hard on him, but that's because I love him.
Yeah.
He deserves better though.
He deserves better than how me and everybody else treats him.
And now, he's walking around with a broken dick.
So you gotta fix that, too.
Excuse me.
Um May I have the key to your washroom, please? That's it, then.
So let's see what you got.
Or, um Guess there's this one more thing, kind of Nicole.
Man, I really like that girl.
I never have felt this way about a broad before.
She's special, yeah.
So, I mean, if you could just get that fuck face Daryl out of the way, I'm pretty sure I can take care of the rest of the problem.
You know it.
(CHUCKLING) All right All right, that's it.
Uh, fuck, amen.
Yeah.
Amen.
FATHER LUKE: For those of you who are ashamed of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, well, then the Son of God will be ashamed of them when He returns in his Father's glory amongst the holy angels.
So, what do you think? - Holy shit.
- (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
That was really good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What about the scripture choice? I mean, Mark 8:37 that's a I mean that's a bit risky, but I mean I figured - this is my shot, you know, - Stop.
- I should go for it.
- I think it's perfect.
Can I tell you something? Something that I've never told anybody before? Yeah, of course.
- You're not gonna laugh? - No.
Never.
- Promise? - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) I don't just want to be a priest, or a bishop, or even a cardinal.
I want to be the Pope.
I want to be the best, you know? Make my mark on the world.
(STARTING ENGINE) (TIRES SCREECHING) Shit! - Aw, fuck.
- What are you in for? Being an idiot, bro.
You? Could be anything.
Probably 'cause I punched a police horse.
- Sal! - Oh, Ma.
Ma, what did the doctor say? I'm fine, baby.
Totally clear.
- You are? - I am.
My God.
This is the best news ever.
See, it turns out my nipple Oh, I don't wanna know about My erection came back.
- No fucking way.
- Yeah, it's like What? Ma's breast and your boner, they're, um What? You prayed for this, didn't you? You did, didn't you? Did you pray for my dick? - Salvatore Camilucci? - Yeah, who are you? I'm your new lawyer.
- What happened to Daryl? - He had a bit of an accident.
No shit.
Yeah, his car was swallowed up by a sinkhole.
- Is he dead? - God knows.
Literally, it's one of those act of God things that no one can explain.
At least according to the insurance companies.
Did you pray for that, too? JUDGE: Next up in the docket, Mr.
Salvatore Camilucci.
(EXHALING) JUDGE: Mr.
Camilucci? Yeah, I just need a second here, pal.
Mr.
Camilucci, you will address the court as "Your Worship " I'm sorry, what's that? In Commonwealth court, you refer to the magistrate as Your Worship.
Uh, that's gonna be a problem.
JUDGE: Really? Why is that? I'm kind of going through a thing right now, and, um I just don't feel comfortable calling you that.
What are you doing? How does $10,000 sound to you? - For what? - For contempt of court.
Next it's jail.
Oh, buddy, if you're gonna act like a dick, no one's gonna worship you, okay? Trust me.
- (BANGING GAVEL) - Take him away.
- What the fuck? - Take him away.
- Easy with him! - Hey, watch it! - Hey! - (PUNCHING) Oh! So, I'll charge about three cigarettes for a blowjob, but then when word gets out I'll bump it up to four or five.
Four or five.
You guys think that Sudbury's the type of place where something big could happen? You mean like me kicking that bailiff's ass for you? That's five fights since you turned into Jesus.
No, I mean something really big.
You guys know this whole area was formed by a giant meteorite? Fuck off.
Was it? Yeah.
It's the world's second largest impact crater.
And the oldest.
That meteor coulda landed in a lot of places.
But it landed here.
Yeah, yeah.
That's gotta mean something.
- (BANGING TABLE) - Hey! Oh, fuck! Luke? Luke! - Maria? - Luke.
Where the hell have you been? I've been (STAMMERING) I have something to tell you.
And I have something to tell you.
Okay, you first.
This isn't gonna be easy.
- Sal did it! - What? He did what? He cured the lump.
He finally prayed and it's gone.
And he also prayed for Vince's erection and it came back.
I saw it.
And he also maybe killed his lawyer, also through prayer.
He finally did it.
Holy shit.
Holy, holy, holiest of shits! Maria.
Oh, Maria.
It is you.
Hey.
Peepers.
Check it out, I can see again.
Thanks to you punching me in the face, the doctors figured out a way how to fix my eyes permanently.
Oh, wow.
You're sitting with me.
Come on.
Make room, guys.
Move over.
- Sal, get in here.
- Yeah.
Anybody fucks with this guy.
I'll kill him.
Good deeds must be repaid.
Did he say "Betray"? - (KNIFE STABS SAL) - (SAL WINCES) (ALARM GOES OFF) (COMMOTION ERUPTS) - Everybody, get on the ground! - Sal! Subtitle by peritta