Whitney s01e08 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey! What's in the package? Oh, don't tell me, I love this game.
What did I order online the other night when I was drunk? Uh, Mexican Xanax? Sweat pants with underwear built in? No, it's an urn.
I ordered an urn? I gotta stop drinking Kahlua.
No, it's my dog.
My folks sent sarge's ashes.
Oh, honey.
I know how much you love sarge.
Wow, I was okay when they told me, but now it's kind of sinking in that he's gone, you know? I mean, I've never not had a dog.
Well, why don't we get one? You really wanna get a dog? Totally, I've never had one.
Well, one year for Christmas my dad stole us a poodle, but the reward got so high that he gave it back.
You know that a dog is, like, a really big commitment, right? Yeah! And no one is better at commitment than me.
Okay, marriage is not my favorite thing at this particular juncture, but when I commit, I commit hard, okay? I mean, I am still wearing the same bra I wore in the 7th grade.
My email address is at aol, okay? I pay for email.
[Chuckles.]
- You really wanna get a dog? - Yes.
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
- Okay! - Yeah.
- Can we name him mister? - No, no.
- Can we name him? - No.
You didn't even know what I was gonna say.
Were you gonna say names of famous people? I don't know, I just really wanna be able to neuter Mel Gibson.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, you heard me.
Wow, the market was up 300 today.
You got the web on that? Yeah.
Nice.
I love the web.
I haven't checked my stocks in a while.
Oh, how's blockbuster doing? Oh, honey, I told you, Neil does this for a living, okay? He can help you with your investments.
Plus, this is a chance for you guys to have your own friendship outside of me.
Whoa! Everybody stop.
Have you seen When Harry met Sally? Men and women cannot be friends.
Men wanna have sex with everything, and women just aren't that interesting.
Uh, have you seen When Harry met Sally? - Hi.
- Hey! You guys, Alex and I have an announcement to make.
Oh, my God! Don't do it, man, this is a mistake! Whitney is just gonna get crazier.
Plus the day after you say "I do," she is gonna cut her hair short, they all do.
No, look, we're not getting married.
We're just we're getting a dog.
- Oh, wow! - [Laughs.]
Getting a dog is a big deal.
Yeah, it's like having a kid, except you still get to participate in society.
Anyway, what kind of dog are you gonna get? I don't know yet, but You guys should rescue a dog.
It's like with women, you wanna get one that's just damaged enough that she's grateful to be indoors.
Yeah, you're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Look at you.
You're a good boy too, hi.
Oh, you're a handsome boy.
You're a handsome boy too, yeah.
Okay, you're both equally good and handsome.
Alex, do you have any allergies other than spermicide? [Puppy whines.]
No, I'm good.
Wait a minute, this is weird.
Under "relationship," they only have "single" or "married.
" They don't have what we are.
Just put in "single," it doesn't matter.
But we're not single.
Single is when you're dating.
If I was single, I'd be passed out on some strangers futon, dehydrated and covered in glitter.
Um, excuse me, ma'am? Hi, uh, your form is broken.
Um Uh, you don't have a box for what our relationship is.
And what is your relationship? Oh, uh, we're not married, but we've been together for three years.
Aw, he won't propose? No, um, we are happily unmarried.
If I had a soul, he would be its mate.
Well, you're gonna have to fill out separate forms.
Because you're not married, that means you're single.
Hey, look who's in daddy's shirt.
Ho-ho! I'm gonna die from tickles.
Uh Um, I don't think you understand.
It's just we're, uh, married, just not legally.
We don't need a piece of paper, you know? Mm, no, you're gonna need two pieces of paper.
And we have to schedule a home visit.
There's a home visit? Of course, we have to make sure our dogs are in stable households.
And, you know, I don't wanna say that you just dating is a red flag, but we've all seen Teen Mom.
Heh Okay, um, so you do home visits for married people too? Look, this shelter is full of dogs that were abandoned by unmarried couples who broke up.
I have one little guy back there who is so scared, he won't come out of his purse.
Okay, I'm actually not looking for an accessory, so Hmm, don't worry.
Doesn't look like he's getting you one.
Heh, can I talk to someone who's still alive inside? Oh, like somebody else who owns this rescue? No, I don't have any other partners, just my husband And Jesus.
[Laughs.]
Ugh, what are you doing? Oh, my God, I'm on a cloud of puppies.
Yeah We very much look forward to having you and the lord as a guest in our home.
Hey, Whit, look.
The Lion King.
You know, you should be okay to retire any time after 65.
Oh, I'll never live that long.
Oh, you're still going? I'm not here.
Not here.
All right, well, thanks again, Neal.
I really appreciate it.
No problem, glad I could help.
Aw Oh! [Laughs.]
Uh Heh.
And then I accidentally kissed Neal.
Shut up! I know, I know I don't know what to do.
Wait, do I tell lily? No! No, no, no, no.
No, it was an accidental kiss.
It didn't mean anything.
I mean, think of all the guys that you've purposely had sex with and it meant nothing.
I don't know, it's just it's so awkward now.
I don't even wanna be in the same room with him.
Oh, well, you should probably go, 'cause he's on his way back here with Alex, like, right now.
What? No! Whit! You didn't tell me that.
God, I'm telling you, it's super weird, I I don't even wanna see him.
Okay.
Crazy oh! Dude! I have to go.
Um, I have a wax, so Me too.
I mean I mean, a meeting.
- We're chillaxing.
- Totally norms.
You know, I think I'll just take the stairs.
Oh, okay.
Good day, sir.
- This is silly.
- I know! You're right.
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Aah! Uh, so, okay, I got the crate.
I got the dog bowls, and then I got the dog bed.
Why does it smell so good in here? Oh, that's the chocolate chip cookie candle, it's the perfect way to let this dog lady know that I love to bake and do domestic stuff without actually having to bake or do domestic stuff.
Ah.
Okay, well, I got seven leashes, so if, uh, this dog thing doesn't work out, you know, uh, we'll have to find, uh, something else to do with these leashes, you know? Focus.
Home visits are all about the image you project.
It's like when child services comes when you're a kid.
You gotta just tell them what they wanna hear, and whatever you do, don't cry.
They make you go to a different school.
Okay hey, when Mrs.
janks gets here, uh, maybe don't mention child services at all.
We are gonna show this woman we are just as married as an actual married couple.
Oh, is this too much? It's a puzzle of us kissing.
Where did you get that? Oh, it's what I ordered the other night when I was drunk.
[Clicks tongue.]
Okay, Mr.
Miller, you own this condo.
Do you two have any other roommates? Just us.
For two years, which is way longer than Renee zellweger was married, and she's got, like, nine dogs, so What's that smell? Is that chocolate chip cookies? Yeah, I actually just made a fresh batch.
Chocolate could kill a dog quicker than a bullet through the head.
This is a one bedroom apartment, a little small for a puppy.
Are there any parks in this area? - Oh, parks! - Parks! Oh, gosh.
Um, you know what, we actually, uh, we have this cabin up in Michigan.
Um, where it's in this small town.
- Uh, it's called - Narnia.
Mm-hm.
Um, and we could just let the dog go and run for Miles and Miles, with deer Hold on, hold on, the dog should not be off its leash.
No, it's fenced in.
The forest is all fenced.
- Uh, it's got a - In narnia.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay, I hope you're not planning on having any kids, because you can't handle a new baby and a new dog at the same time.
Oh, no, trust me, I've smoked so much weed, so it's, like I have no sperm.
Go get the puzzle.
Go get it.
- Aw! - Oh! We were denied a dog.
I mean, the homeless guy on the corner has four dogs.
I wonder if he's married? Oh, Alan? Yeah, probably not.
He eats beans out of a violin.
And I really wanted a dog, now who am I gonna take a bath with later? Whitney? Nah, it's not the same.
I am telling you, the second I checked that stupid "single" box on that form, that woman made up her mind.
That's discrimination, which I can't arrest her for, but I could probably throw a boot on her car.
Jam up her day.
She is prejudiced.
No, she is a singlist.
[Gasps.]
Ooh! Tweet that.
Then I'll retweet it, hashtag, America.
We should probably pay.
Oh, yeah, we'll, uh, we'll split it.
Oh, yeah.
You guys don't have to pretend to reach for your wallet.
We got it.
Wait, what? Are you sure? Aw.
So how's your girlfriend Roxanne? [Sighs.]
You told him? It's not a big deal, accidents happen.
Roxanne is a single woman with needs, you're a handsome man from an exotic part of the world.
There are no accidents.
Okay, so this woman's pretty hardcore.
Yeah, I got your back.
I'm your hype man.
You know, like in rap? The guy who emphasizes your point? Heh, say "hello, New York City.
" Hello, New York New York City, make some noise! Oh, look who's back.
And on her way back from narnia, she picked up a hobbit.
I took the liberty of adding a box to your antiquated form.
"Single, married, and committed?" Yup.
Boom, mind blown.
Uh-huh.
Blown.
Do you know the percentage of unmarried couples who get divorced? - How can an unmarried couple - Zero, okay? Alex and I are not married, but we're even better.
We choose to be together every single day.
[Sighs.]
Alex and I would like to rescue a dog.
Big or small, young or old 'Cause unlike you, I have no prejudices.
- Really? - Really.
- Maybe I misjudged you.
- Yes, you did.
I didn't realize you'd be willing to help an older animal.
Willing? Older animal? Realize? I would love an older animal.
Some of our dogs need a lot of help.
Good.
So you'd be okay with a disabled dog? Absolutely, because I don't judge, okay? It doesn't even need legs.
Less legs the better, okay? Just a torso and a wheelchair, that's all we'll just play murder ball all day.
Murder up.
Alex! Meet Clarence, our new puppy! Aah! Aah! Hold on.
One second.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Yeah, come on, come on.
Yeah, come on.
Almost there.
Yeah.
- Come on.
- Whit, how old is this dog? He's 19.
He's not even old enough to drink.
Which is kind of ironic, 'cause his liver's pretty much shot.
- Isn't he the best? - Huh.
Oh, um, uh, he's kind of fragile.
Maybe just talk to him.
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, louder, he's deaf.
Hey, buddy! Closer, he's blind.
Hey, buddy, how you doing? Aw, look at your face.
Okay, yeah, you're Look at your gums, they're so grey.
You got oh, okay, ew.
Aw, where's all your teeth? What, you're gonna give him pills? Oh, yeah, these are just treats and vitamins and antibiotics.
Well, is that what the cone is for? Oh, this cute thing? Oh, that's just, um, he has some stitches.
Clarence had some stuff removed recently.
- Stuff? - Uh-huh.
Just some stuff, and tumors.
He's just like a normal dog.
You ready? You ready to go get the ball? Yeah? You ready to get the ball? Here we go.
Both: Whoa! - Go! - Go get it! Go get it! Go get the ball! - Go get it! - Go get it! Both: Go get it! - Go! - Go get it! You wanna get the ball? Okay, I'll go get the ball.
Good.
That is a good boy.
There's the ball, good boy.
I think you just threw it too far.
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um er, uh how about Ooh! It's right there.
Come on, man.
You know what? Come on, let's go get the ball.
Oh, come on.
Yeah! Oh, there it is.
That's the ball.
Oh, there, good boy.
Bring it back to daddy.
- Oh, yes.
- Aw, look at what he did.
- Oh! - Oh, look at what he did.
- Oh, good boy.
- Look at what he did.
Oh, remind me in ten minutes, I have to give him another pill.
You know, I had my doubts about you getting a dog because it's such a big commitment.
I mean, we could have gotten a puppy, which is, like, a 15 year thing.
I told you, just because I'm afraid of marriage does not mean I'm afraid of commitment.
Especially if it's to something lovable and scruffy.
You're, like, weirdly good with him.
How come you never had a dog before? I never had a dog before because I never had you.
What do you mean? Well, every other guy I dated, I knew it was gonna end, so I didn't wanna commit to something that wasn't gonna last longer than the relationship.
I mean, before you I bought milk by the quart.
Aw, now you buy so much that it goes bad.
[Laughs.]
I love having a dog with you.
Me too.
It's like our first big thing we've done together.
Oh, my God, I think he wagged his tail! - Yeah? - Oh, my God! Ooh Aah.
Mm.
Mmmm.
Morning, Clarence.
[Yawns.]
He's kind of like the perfect dog.
He didn't bark at all last night.
Ahh we did a good thing.
I mean if it wasn't for us, he would have spent the rest of his life at that cold shelter with no one to love him or chew up his apple sauce for him.
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Both, slowly: Hey.
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks, mark.
And thanks for dressing up.
It's the right thing to do.
And it's laundry day.
I never met Clarence.
And I've never been to a doggy wake.
But I think the appropriate thing to do is drink.
Aw.
To Clarence.
[Bottles, glasses clinking.]
Mm! You know what? Whoever invented Martini glasses Never drank three Martinis.
Excuse me.
I miss Clarence.
Yeah, you can still smell him.
[Sighs.]
It's not a good smell, but, you know.
It's his.
It smells like dead chocolate chip cookies.
Is that a thing? Hey.
Sorry we're late.
We've just been standing in the hallway until we could figure out the right thing to say.
Still got nothing.
We brought you a deli platter.
Yeah, what better way to celebrate the death of an animal than with other dead animals.
Oh, my God! Not again! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Well, why didn't you knock? I didn't know you'd be in there and those would be out there! Uh, what is going on? Nothing, nothing.
We just accidentally kissed and then she touched me.
Well, his crotch is at a very inconvenient height.
Lily, this is on you.
You cannot force a man and a woman to be "friends.
" It's against the laws of nature.
It's like a female wrestler.
Uh That is ridiculous.
They are friends and these are clearly accidents.
Again, there are no accidents.
Okay, I gotta fly.
Alex, buddy, I'm sorry about Clarence.
Come here.
Dude! Aah! [Screams.]
- Dude! - Aah! I didn't mean to do that! Or that! [Laughs.]
I don't know, man, you know.
There are no accidents, come here.
Get away.
Get away! - [Laughs.]
- Get over here.
Hello, I'm Clarence.
Hello, I am sarge! Oh, oh, aren't squirrels the best? Oh, not as good as dogs, ha-ha-ha! [Ashes rattling.]
Hey, uh, Whit? Oh! Ah, they're having a play date.
Right.