Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007) s01e08 Episode Script
Escape from Squatopian Freedom
1
Xavier: [ Thinking ] CERTAIN
DAYS SCALD THE SOUL WITH A
SEARING EMBER, LIKE TUESDAYS AND
TODAY -- THE
20th ANNIVERSARY OF MY FATHER'S
MURDER.
EACH YEAR, I MOURN BY RELIVING
OUR LAST DAY TOGETHER.
I'LL TAKE A COTTON CANDY,
PLEASE.
DO YOU WANT ONE, DAD?
DAD? DAD!
DON'T MAKE THIS POOR, PATHETIC
VENDOR WAIT.
EVERY YEAR, THIS GUY!
Xavier: [ Thinking ] I'VE NO
KNOWN JOY SINCE MY FATHER WAS
SCORCHED ALIVE, BLANCHED FROM
THE CLUTCHES OF MY HEART.
DADDY, TAKE MY PICTURE WITH
THE FUNNY MAN!
Xavier: [ Thinking ] I SHALL
NEVER SMILE AGAIN.
SMILE.
FOR THIS TRICK, I NEED A
VICTIM -- I MEAN, VOLUNTEER.
LOOK-SEE, HONEYBEE.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Xavier: I'M A VICTIM.
JUST STAND RIGHT THERE.
I'LL SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE
SITUATIONISM.
HOT POTATO, TWO POTATO, THREE
POTATO NOT.
FOUR POTATO, HOT POTATO, SIX
POTATO, EIGHT.
Xavier: WHO DID THIS TO YOU
GUYS?!
OUR SON.
Xavier: I KNOW IT WAS ARSON
[our son] DAD, BUT WHO DID IT?!
DADDY! I SHALL VENGE THEE!
SIX POTATO, EIGHT.
WHOO! HOT NUTS FOR SALE! YOUCH!
WANT TO KISS MY BOO-BOO, MAKE I
BETTER?
THANK YOU!
I DON'T GET PAID DOWN HERE A
THE WHARF, SO GIVE WHAT YOU CAN.
HOT POTATO!
Xavier: HOW DARE YOU ATTEMP
TO TAME DAME FLAME!
SHE SHALL BURN THEE, I PROMISE
THY.
NO, OH, NO, FIRE IS A
TACTICAL, MAJESTICAL FORCE -- A
SWIRLING, SHIMMERING, SUCCULEN
DANCE IN THAT LUMINOUS NETHER
MENTION TWIXT LIGHT AND HEAT.
FIRE IS FREEDOM PERSONIFIED.
Xavier: NO! FIRE SHOULD BE
SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD FOR
KILLING MY PARENTS.
I VOW TO NEVER REST UNTIL I'VE
FOUND MY FATHER'S SLAYER.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?
Xavier: SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S
DONE.
SO, IF YOU DON'T GET PAID DOWN
HERE AT THE WHARF, HOW DO YOU
PAY RENT?
[ SCOFFS ]
I'M TOO UNIQUE TO PAY RENT!
I'M PUNK ROCK PERSONIFIED.
IF I NEED MONEY, I SELL MY SEED,
AND I LIVE IN SQUATOPIA.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
OF SQUATOPIA.
AS SOON AS YOU PASS THIS LINE,
YOU WILL ENTER SQUATOPIA -- A
FULLY SELF-SUSTAINED, ANARCHIS
COMMUNE, A LAND WITH NO RULES
AND NO LAWS TO BIND AND RESTRIC
THE SOUL AND THE HEART.
FREEDOM PERSONIFIED.
SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
SO LONG, SQUARE!
Xavier: THAT GUY JUST STOLE
MY SIGNIFICANT CRYSTAL.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, BRAH.
THERE'S NO STEALING HERE, FOR
THIS IS SQUATOPIA!
Xavier: I KNOW.
THAT OTHER GUY TOLD ME.
YOU KNEW, BRAH, AND YOU STILL
MADE ME DO THAT RIDICULOUS
INTRODUCTION, DUDE?!
YOU SICK SACK OF -- YOU'RE ALL
RIGHT.
GOOBLE-GOBBLE.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
Xavier: I REALLY JUST NEED MY
CRYSTALLINE NECKLACE BACK.
YEP, WE WERE THE FIRST TO
SQUAT A WHOLE TOWN, BRAH.
OKAY, THESE ARE THE CRASH
COUCHES.
RIP SOME Z's, IF YOU PLEASE.
THIS IS THE FREEDOM FOUNTAIN AND
THE PUBLIC TOILET.
HEY, SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
All: SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
Xavier: YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE,
THE CRYSTAL BELONGED TO MY
FATHER.
HE WAS MURDERED.
THIS IS THE WRECK [rec]
CENTER, BRAH, WHERE WE WRECK
THINGS.
AND OVER THERE, THAT'S
CHINATOWN.
HEY, SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
YOU GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
ONLY ONE RULE HERE, BRAH --
NO RULES.
ANYONE CAUGHT WITH RULES HAS TO
WEAR THE SCARLET "F."
FASCIST.
Xavier: THAT CRYSTAL IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT
TWO POTATO.
Xavier: THING IN MY LIFE.
IF I NEED ANY CASH, I JUS
SELL MY SEED, BRAH.
IF I'M REALLY DESPERATE, I
SCRAPE THE SEED OFF THE COUCHES
AND SELL IT.
ONE DAY, WE'LL SQUAT THE GLOBE.
Xavier: THE THIEF HAD A
UNICYCLE.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
THAT WAS PUGGLER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME BEFORE.
YOU'LL NEVER CATCH UP TO BRAH
NOW.
HE WENT TO B.M.
Xavier: IN THE FREEDOM
FOUNTAIN?
NO, BURNING MAN.
ACTUALLY, THIS YEAR, WE'RE NO
GONNA BE SEXIST.
WE'RE CALLING IT BURNING PERSON.
IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE, WOMEN
CAN BE SET ON FIRE, TOO.
HEY, MEET A DUDE BRAH OF MINE.
THIS IS 'TUDE. 'TUDE, BRAH.
WHAT'S UP, BROHAM?
THANKS FOR COMING, MAN.
LISTEN, YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT OF
HERE!
I'M GOING STIR CRAZY WITH ALL
THIS FREEDOM!
I'M SMOTHERING HERE, MAN!
Xavier: I'VE GOT MY OWN
PROBLEMS, LADY.
I'M SICK OF LIVING OFF MY
SEED.
I WANT TO WORK WITH MY HANDS.
I GOT TO SHAKE THESE SHACKLES OF
ANARCHY.
Xavier: WHY DON'T YOU JUS
LEAVE?!
IF I LEAVE, THAT'S A CHOICE,
MAN.
I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE CHOICES.
YOU GOT TO BREAK ME OUT, MAN!
SNEAK ME INTO A PRISON.
Xavier: I'LL SMUGGLE YOU OU
OF HERE IF YOU SHOW ME THE WAY
TO BURNING PERSON, TO FIND MY
CRYSTAL.
BUT I CAN'T GO THERE.
IT'S TOO FREE.
I CRAVE STRUCTURE.
Xavier: WELL, THE EFFIGY A
BURNING PERSON IS THE BIGGES
STRUCTURE IN NORTH AMERICA.
I'LL GET US THERE BY WAY OF
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.
DEAL. START DIGGING.
Xavier: THAT'S NOT THE WAY AN
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD WORKS.
WE NEED MONEY FOR SHOVELS.
GIVE ME SOME POCKET DOLLARS.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE POCKETS.
Xavier: THEN GO SELL SOME OF
YOUR SEED.
THAT WOULD BE A CHOICE,
FASCIST!
WHY DON'T YOU SELL YOUR SEED?!
Xavier: MA'AM, I'D LIKE TO
MAKE SOME SEED MONEY.
HELLO? I'D LIKE TO PEDDLE MY
PUDDLE, MA'AM.
YOO-HOO! I'D LIKE TO HAWK MY
LOOGIE.
[ SCOFFS ] WE PAY BY THE CUP
OR BY THE NOSEFUL.
Xavier: UM, CUP, PLEASE.
I'M KIND OF NERVOUS.
I'VE NEVER PLOPPED MY GLOPPER.
BEEN SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE
OR AT LEAST CONSENT.
DON'T WORRY, IT DOESN'T HURT.
TAKE THESE AND GO INTO STALL 3.
Xavier: HUH!
I WONDER WHAT'S INSIDE THESE
SAUCY MAGAZINES ANYWAY.
OHH!
OH, RUBISLAW!
I REALLY WAS BACKED UP.
[ WHIMPERING ]
Xavier: GET OFF ME!
[ WHIMPERING ]
Xavier: GO ON!
GET OUT OF HERE! SCRAM!
[ PANTING ]
Xavier: THIS ISN'T FETCH.
GET LOST.
SORRY, I COULDN'T GET ANY TOOLS.
COOL, DUDE!
YOU BROUGHT A BUDDY ALONG FOR
THE TRIP.
COME, BUDDY.
Xavier: I'M NOT BRINGING THA
JOHNNY-COME-LATELY WITH US.
WELL, HE COULD DIG FOR US.
SO, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THA
CRYSTAL ANYWAYS, BRAH?
Xavier: WHAT'S THAT NECKLACE,
DADDY?
IT REPRESENTS MY FEELINGS FOR
YOU.
Xavier: WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
WHAT'S THAT NECKLACE, DADDY?
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU WHEN YOU
BECOME A [echoing] MAN.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAD A DAD.
I NEVER KNEW MINE.
SOMETIMES I THINK THE STRUCTURE
I TRULY CRAVE IS THE FAMILY
STRUCTURE.
Xavier: SHUT IT.
WE MUST HAVE CONNECTED TO AN
EXISTING TUNNEL SYSTEM.
MAYBE THIS IS THE ORIGINAL
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.
[ MUMBLING ]
DUDE, THERE'S AN OLD SLAVE
STILL HIDING DOWN HERE.
THAT'S HARD-CORE, MAN.
[ MUMBLING ]
HE MUST BE 187 YEARS OLD.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU 187, 'CAUSE
IT'S 187 ON THE MOTHER-LOVING
RIGHT, UP TOP?
[ MUMBLING ]
I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU WEN
THROUGH, MAN.
I WAS A SLAVE TO TV FOR A WHILE,
AND THEN I WAS A SLAVE TO POP
CULTURE, AND I CRAVED THE GRAVE.
TOTAL BUMMAGE, MAN.
Xavier: CAN WE GET GOING?
MAN, I MUST HAVE WOLFED A
MIND BURRITO 'CAUSE I JUST HAD A
MASSIVE BRAIN FART.
WE GOT TO TAKE 187 WITH US TO
BURNING PERSON!
HE SAID HE'S NEVER PARTIED
BEFORE.
WHAT BETTER PARTY THAN THE
ULTIMATE PARTY?!
[ MUMBLING ]
WE'RE GONNA GO TO
BURNING PERSON, HE'S GONNA GE
HIS DAD'S CRYSTAL, YOU'RE GONNA
GET TO FREEDOM, I'M GONNA GE
THE STRUCTURE I CRAVE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
WHAT'S THAT, LITTLE FELLA?
[ WHIMPERS ]
AND WE'RE GONNA GET THIS
LITTLE GUY LAID.
[ MUMBLING ]
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MAN, I'M GETTING IN THE
BUBBLER!
SWEET!
OH, MY GOD, DUDE, THAT WAS SO
DOPE!
BURNING PERSON RULES!
WAIT!
DID YOU TOUCH SOAP, DUDE?!
NO-O-O!
DUDE!
OKAY, YOU FIND PUGGLER, AND I'M
GONNA GO FIND THE STRUCTURE.
MAN, WHERE'S 187?
THIS GUY IS SLAVE TO THE
BEATS, MAN!
Xavier: GET AWAY FROM ME!
HAVE YOU SEEN PUGGLER, THE
PUNK-ROCK JUGGLER?
HE'S WEARING A TOP HAT.
I THINK I SAW HIM OVER THERE.
Xavier: PUGGLER!
WHO'S PUGGLER?
I'M PESTER, THE PUNK-ROCK JESTER
WHO LIVES OFF HIS SEED.
Xavier: PUGGLER?
NO, BRAH, I'M JUNK, THE
JUGGLING PUNK WHO LIVES OFF HIS
SEED.
Xavier: I'M LOOKING FOR
PUGGLER.
I THINK HE TOOK OFF, MAN, TO
GO TO BURNING PERSON OR
SOMETHING.
Xavier: WE'RE A
BURNING PERSON.
I WENT TO BURNING PERSON THIS
YEAR?
SUCH A STRUCTURE, BRO.
THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED FOR
FULFILLAGE.
THIS YEAR, WE CAN TRULY LEAVE
NO TRACE ON THE PLAYA, WITH THE
DE-GARBAGE ECO-VAPORIZER.
OH, DOPE!
I WANT TO LEAVE NO TRACE!
WHAT A GREA
ENVIRONMENTALIST.
HE WENT OFF THE GRID.
WON'T YOU GO OFF THE GRID?
DUDE! DUDE!
I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR
YOU!
I INTUITED YOU'D BE HERE, 'CAUSE
I KNOW HOW YOU CRAVE STRUCTURE.
THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL
YOU.
I'M YOUR FATHER.
I HAVE A DAD!
I'M A PUGGLER BY BLOOD!
A PUGGLER!
AND, MOSTLY, I WANTED TO GIVE
YOU THIS PRECIOUS HEIRLOOM.
IT'S BEEN IN THE FAMILY FOR AS
LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER RIGH
NOW.
Xavier: THE SERPENTINE
CRYSTAL!
I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS FOR
MYSELF, 'CAUSE I HATE YOU, DAD!
YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME, MAN!
JUST GET OFF MY BACK!
GIVE ME SPACE, FASCIST!
Xavier: [ Echoing ] NO!
[ PANTING ]
Xavier: YOUR SPUNK IN THE
FACE OF MY CRUELTY HAS MADE ME
REALIZE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN A
GOOD FATHER TO YOU.
FROM NOW ON, EVERY DAY, I'M
GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
BUT, LIKE, THE BEES ARE
TOTALLYTHAT BUTTHOLE.
AND NOW YOU ARE A [echoing] MAN.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
ME AND 187 ARE GETTING HITCHED!
NEVER THOUGHT THAT SLAVE
WOULD GET TIED DOWN.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THEY'RE
IGNITING THE EFFIGY!
[ PANTING ]
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
WE'RE ALL SPECIAL!
WE'RE ALL PART OF THIS!
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!
BURNING PEOPLE!
THIS IS DEMOCRACY
PERSONIFIED!
ME, ME, ME!
HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE THIS
HAPPENED ANYWAY?
I THINK IT WAS ARSON.
Xavier: IT WAS MY SON.
[ SCOFFS ]
WHERE DOES THIS VAPORIZER STUFF
GO ANYWAY?
GO, PLANET, MAN!
I THINK I'LL MAKE MYSELF A
HOME, BRAH.
[ MUMBLING ]
SORRY, BRAH BRAH, HAVE TO ASK
YOU TO BAIL.
I GOT HERE FIRST.
[ Echoing ] SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
THREE POTATO, NINE.
IT'S MY SQUATTER'S RIGHT TO
LIFE.
[ PUNK ROCK PLAYS INDISTINCTLY ]
YEAH.
Xavier: [ Echoing ] NO!
Xavier: [ Thinking ] CERTAIN
DAYS SCALD THE SOUL WITH A
SEARING EMBER, LIKE TUESDAYS AND
TODAY -- THE
20th ANNIVERSARY OF MY FATHER'S
MURDER.
EACH YEAR, I MOURN BY RELIVING
OUR LAST DAY TOGETHER.
I'LL TAKE A COTTON CANDY,
PLEASE.
DO YOU WANT ONE, DAD?
DAD? DAD!
DON'T MAKE THIS POOR, PATHETIC
VENDOR WAIT.
EVERY YEAR, THIS GUY!
Xavier: [ Thinking ] I'VE NO
KNOWN JOY SINCE MY FATHER WAS
SCORCHED ALIVE, BLANCHED FROM
THE CLUTCHES OF MY HEART.
DADDY, TAKE MY PICTURE WITH
THE FUNNY MAN!
Xavier: [ Thinking ] I SHALL
NEVER SMILE AGAIN.
SMILE.
FOR THIS TRICK, I NEED A
VICTIM -- I MEAN, VOLUNTEER.
LOOK-SEE, HONEYBEE.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Xavier: I'M A VICTIM.
JUST STAND RIGHT THERE.
I'LL SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE
SITUATIONISM.
HOT POTATO, TWO POTATO, THREE
POTATO NOT.
FOUR POTATO, HOT POTATO, SIX
POTATO, EIGHT.
Xavier: WHO DID THIS TO YOU
GUYS?!
OUR SON.
Xavier: I KNOW IT WAS ARSON
[our son] DAD, BUT WHO DID IT?!
DADDY! I SHALL VENGE THEE!
SIX POTATO, EIGHT.
WHOO! HOT NUTS FOR SALE! YOUCH!
WANT TO KISS MY BOO-BOO, MAKE I
BETTER?
THANK YOU!
I DON'T GET PAID DOWN HERE A
THE WHARF, SO GIVE WHAT YOU CAN.
HOT POTATO!
Xavier: HOW DARE YOU ATTEMP
TO TAME DAME FLAME!
SHE SHALL BURN THEE, I PROMISE
THY.
NO, OH, NO, FIRE IS A
TACTICAL, MAJESTICAL FORCE -- A
SWIRLING, SHIMMERING, SUCCULEN
DANCE IN THAT LUMINOUS NETHER
MENTION TWIXT LIGHT AND HEAT.
FIRE IS FREEDOM PERSONIFIED.
Xavier: NO! FIRE SHOULD BE
SHOT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD FOR
KILLING MY PARENTS.
I VOW TO NEVER REST UNTIL I'VE
FOUND MY FATHER'S SLAYER.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?
Xavier: SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S
DONE.
SO, IF YOU DON'T GET PAID DOWN
HERE AT THE WHARF, HOW DO YOU
PAY RENT?
[ SCOFFS ]
I'M TOO UNIQUE TO PAY RENT!
I'M PUNK ROCK PERSONIFIED.
IF I NEED MONEY, I SELL MY SEED,
AND I LIVE IN SQUATOPIA.
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER HEARD
OF SQUATOPIA.
AS SOON AS YOU PASS THIS LINE,
YOU WILL ENTER SQUATOPIA -- A
FULLY SELF-SUSTAINED, ANARCHIS
COMMUNE, A LAND WITH NO RULES
AND NO LAWS TO BIND AND RESTRIC
THE SOUL AND THE HEART.
FREEDOM PERSONIFIED.
SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
SO LONG, SQUARE!
Xavier: THAT GUY JUST STOLE
MY SIGNIFICANT CRYSTAL.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE, BRAH.
THERE'S NO STEALING HERE, FOR
THIS IS SQUATOPIA!
Xavier: I KNOW.
THAT OTHER GUY TOLD ME.
YOU KNEW, BRAH, AND YOU STILL
MADE ME DO THAT RIDICULOUS
INTRODUCTION, DUDE?!
YOU SICK SACK OF -- YOU'RE ALL
RIGHT.
GOOBLE-GOBBLE.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
Xavier: I REALLY JUST NEED MY
CRYSTALLINE NECKLACE BACK.
YEP, WE WERE THE FIRST TO
SQUAT A WHOLE TOWN, BRAH.
OKAY, THESE ARE THE CRASH
COUCHES.
RIP SOME Z's, IF YOU PLEASE.
THIS IS THE FREEDOM FOUNTAIN AND
THE PUBLIC TOILET.
HEY, SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
All: SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
Xavier: YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE,
THE CRYSTAL BELONGED TO MY
FATHER.
HE WAS MURDERED.
THIS IS THE WRECK [rec]
CENTER, BRAH, WHERE WE WRECK
THINGS.
AND OVER THERE, THAT'S
CHINATOWN.
HEY, SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
YOU GET OUT OF HERE NOW!
ONLY ONE RULE HERE, BRAH --
NO RULES.
ANYONE CAUGHT WITH RULES HAS TO
WEAR THE SCARLET "F."
FASCIST.
Xavier: THAT CRYSTAL IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT
TWO POTATO.
Xavier: THING IN MY LIFE.
IF I NEED ANY CASH, I JUS
SELL MY SEED, BRAH.
IF I'M REALLY DESPERATE, I
SCRAPE THE SEED OFF THE COUCHES
AND SELL IT.
ONE DAY, WE'LL SQUAT THE GLOBE.
Xavier: THE THIEF HAD A
UNICYCLE.
DID YOU SEE HIM?
THAT WAS PUGGLER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME BEFORE.
YOU'LL NEVER CATCH UP TO BRAH
NOW.
HE WENT TO B.M.
Xavier: IN THE FREEDOM
FOUNTAIN?
NO, BURNING MAN.
ACTUALLY, THIS YEAR, WE'RE NO
GONNA BE SEXIST.
WE'RE CALLING IT BURNING PERSON.
IN TODAY'S DAY AND AGE, WOMEN
CAN BE SET ON FIRE, TOO.
HEY, MEET A DUDE BRAH OF MINE.
THIS IS 'TUDE. 'TUDE, BRAH.
WHAT'S UP, BROHAM?
THANKS FOR COMING, MAN.
LISTEN, YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT OF
HERE!
I'M GOING STIR CRAZY WITH ALL
THIS FREEDOM!
I'M SMOTHERING HERE, MAN!
Xavier: I'VE GOT MY OWN
PROBLEMS, LADY.
I'M SICK OF LIVING OFF MY
SEED.
I WANT TO WORK WITH MY HANDS.
I GOT TO SHAKE THESE SHACKLES OF
ANARCHY.
Xavier: WHY DON'T YOU JUS
LEAVE?!
IF I LEAVE, THAT'S A CHOICE,
MAN.
I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE CHOICES.
YOU GOT TO BREAK ME OUT, MAN!
SNEAK ME INTO A PRISON.
Xavier: I'LL SMUGGLE YOU OU
OF HERE IF YOU SHOW ME THE WAY
TO BURNING PERSON, TO FIND MY
CRYSTAL.
BUT I CAN'T GO THERE.
IT'S TOO FREE.
I CRAVE STRUCTURE.
Xavier: WELL, THE EFFIGY A
BURNING PERSON IS THE BIGGES
STRUCTURE IN NORTH AMERICA.
I'LL GET US THERE BY WAY OF
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.
DEAL. START DIGGING.
Xavier: THAT'S NOT THE WAY AN
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD WORKS.
WE NEED MONEY FOR SHOVELS.
GIVE ME SOME POCKET DOLLARS.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE POCKETS.
Xavier: THEN GO SELL SOME OF
YOUR SEED.
THAT WOULD BE A CHOICE,
FASCIST!
WHY DON'T YOU SELL YOUR SEED?!
Xavier: MA'AM, I'D LIKE TO
MAKE SOME SEED MONEY.
HELLO? I'D LIKE TO PEDDLE MY
PUDDLE, MA'AM.
YOO-HOO! I'D LIKE TO HAWK MY
LOOGIE.
[ SCOFFS ] WE PAY BY THE CUP
OR BY THE NOSEFUL.
Xavier: UM, CUP, PLEASE.
I'M KIND OF NERVOUS.
I'VE NEVER PLOPPED MY GLOPPER.
BEEN SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE
OR AT LEAST CONSENT.
DON'T WORRY, IT DOESN'T HURT.
TAKE THESE AND GO INTO STALL 3.
Xavier: HUH!
I WONDER WHAT'S INSIDE THESE
SAUCY MAGAZINES ANYWAY.
OHH!
OH, RUBISLAW!
I REALLY WAS BACKED UP.
[ WHIMPERING ]
Xavier: GET OFF ME!
[ WHIMPERING ]
Xavier: GO ON!
GET OUT OF HERE! SCRAM!
[ PANTING ]
Xavier: THIS ISN'T FETCH.
GET LOST.
SORRY, I COULDN'T GET ANY TOOLS.
COOL, DUDE!
YOU BROUGHT A BUDDY ALONG FOR
THE TRIP.
COME, BUDDY.
Xavier: I'M NOT BRINGING THA
JOHNNY-COME-LATELY WITH US.
WELL, HE COULD DIG FOR US.
SO, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT THA
CRYSTAL ANYWAYS, BRAH?
Xavier: WHAT'S THAT NECKLACE,
DADDY?
IT REPRESENTS MY FEELINGS FOR
YOU.
Xavier: WHERE'D YOU GET IT?
WHAT'S THAT NECKLACE, DADDY?
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU WHEN YOU
BECOME A [echoing] MAN.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAD A DAD.
I NEVER KNEW MINE.
SOMETIMES I THINK THE STRUCTURE
I TRULY CRAVE IS THE FAMILY
STRUCTURE.
Xavier: SHUT IT.
WE MUST HAVE CONNECTED TO AN
EXISTING TUNNEL SYSTEM.
MAYBE THIS IS THE ORIGINAL
UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.
[ MUMBLING ]
DUDE, THERE'S AN OLD SLAVE
STILL HIDING DOWN HERE.
THAT'S HARD-CORE, MAN.
[ MUMBLING ]
HE MUST BE 187 YEARS OLD.
I'M GONNA CALL YOU 187, 'CAUSE
IT'S 187 ON THE MOTHER-LOVING
RIGHT, UP TOP?
[ MUMBLING ]
I TOTALLY KNOW WHAT YOU WEN
THROUGH, MAN.
I WAS A SLAVE TO TV FOR A WHILE,
AND THEN I WAS A SLAVE TO POP
CULTURE, AND I CRAVED THE GRAVE.
TOTAL BUMMAGE, MAN.
Xavier: CAN WE GET GOING?
MAN, I MUST HAVE WOLFED A
MIND BURRITO 'CAUSE I JUST HAD A
MASSIVE BRAIN FART.
WE GOT TO TAKE 187 WITH US TO
BURNING PERSON!
HE SAID HE'S NEVER PARTIED
BEFORE.
WHAT BETTER PARTY THAN THE
ULTIMATE PARTY?!
[ MUMBLING ]
WE'RE GONNA GO TO
BURNING PERSON, HE'S GONNA GE
HIS DAD'S CRYSTAL, YOU'RE GONNA
GET TO FREEDOM, I'M GONNA GE
THE STRUCTURE I CRAVE.
[ WHIMPERS ]
WHAT'S THAT, LITTLE FELLA?
[ WHIMPERS ]
AND WE'RE GONNA GET THIS
LITTLE GUY LAID.
[ MUMBLING ]
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, MAN, I'M GETTING IN THE
BUBBLER!
SWEET!
OH, MY GOD, DUDE, THAT WAS SO
DOPE!
BURNING PERSON RULES!
WAIT!
DID YOU TOUCH SOAP, DUDE?!
NO-O-O!
DUDE!
OKAY, YOU FIND PUGGLER, AND I'M
GONNA GO FIND THE STRUCTURE.
MAN, WHERE'S 187?
THIS GUY IS SLAVE TO THE
BEATS, MAN!
Xavier: GET AWAY FROM ME!
HAVE YOU SEEN PUGGLER, THE
PUNK-ROCK JUGGLER?
HE'S WEARING A TOP HAT.
I THINK I SAW HIM OVER THERE.
Xavier: PUGGLER!
WHO'S PUGGLER?
I'M PESTER, THE PUNK-ROCK JESTER
WHO LIVES OFF HIS SEED.
Xavier: PUGGLER?
NO, BRAH, I'M JUNK, THE
JUGGLING PUNK WHO LIVES OFF HIS
SEED.
Xavier: I'M LOOKING FOR
PUGGLER.
I THINK HE TOOK OFF, MAN, TO
GO TO BURNING PERSON OR
SOMETHING.
Xavier: WE'RE A
BURNING PERSON.
I WENT TO BURNING PERSON THIS
YEAR?
SUCH A STRUCTURE, BRO.
THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED FOR
FULFILLAGE.
THIS YEAR, WE CAN TRULY LEAVE
NO TRACE ON THE PLAYA, WITH THE
DE-GARBAGE ECO-VAPORIZER.
OH, DOPE!
I WANT TO LEAVE NO TRACE!
WHAT A GREA
ENVIRONMENTALIST.
HE WENT OFF THE GRID.
WON'T YOU GO OFF THE GRID?
DUDE! DUDE!
I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR
YOU!
I INTUITED YOU'D BE HERE, 'CAUSE
I KNOW HOW YOU CRAVE STRUCTURE.
THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL
YOU.
I'M YOUR FATHER.
I HAVE A DAD!
I'M A PUGGLER BY BLOOD!
A PUGGLER!
AND, MOSTLY, I WANTED TO GIVE
YOU THIS PRECIOUS HEIRLOOM.
IT'S BEEN IN THE FAMILY FOR AS
LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER RIGH
NOW.
Xavier: THE SERPENTINE
CRYSTAL!
I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS FOR
MYSELF, 'CAUSE I HATE YOU, DAD!
YOU'RE SMOTHERING ME, MAN!
JUST GET OFF MY BACK!
GIVE ME SPACE, FASCIST!
Xavier: [ Echoing ] NO!
[ PANTING ]
Xavier: YOUR SPUNK IN THE
FACE OF MY CRUELTY HAS MADE ME
REALIZE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN A
GOOD FATHER TO YOU.
FROM NOW ON, EVERY DAY, I'M
GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
BUT, LIKE, THE BEES ARE
TOTALLYTHAT BUTTHOLE.
AND NOW YOU ARE A [echoing] MAN.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
ME AND 187 ARE GETTING HITCHED!
NEVER THOUGHT THAT SLAVE
WOULD GET TIED DOWN.
HEY, EVERYBODY, THEY'RE
IGNITING THE EFFIGY!
[ PANTING ]
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
WE'RE ALL SPECIAL!
WE'RE ALL PART OF THIS!
THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!
BURNING PEOPLE!
THIS IS DEMOCRACY
PERSONIFIED!
ME, ME, ME!
HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE THIS
HAPPENED ANYWAY?
I THINK IT WAS ARSON.
Xavier: IT WAS MY SON.
[ SCOFFS ]
WHERE DOES THIS VAPORIZER STUFF
GO ANYWAY?
GO, PLANET, MAN!
I THINK I'LL MAKE MYSELF A
HOME, BRAH.
[ MUMBLING ]
SORRY, BRAH BRAH, HAVE TO ASK
YOU TO BAIL.
I GOT HERE FIRST.
[ Echoing ] SQUATTERS' RIGHTS!
THREE POTATO, NINE.
IT'S MY SQUATTER'S RIGHT TO
LIFE.
[ PUNK ROCK PLAYS INDISTINCTLY ]
YEAH.
Xavier: [ Echoing ] NO!